The L Word, Season 1

Bette:
[holding a specimen cup of sperm] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.

Dr. Wilson:
All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.

[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina]

Bette:
[laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to f*** you right here?

Tina:
I think it would help.

Dana:
When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.

Alice:
Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.

Dana:
[to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

Shane:
It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana:
What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane:
Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice:
Oh, my God, it's Yoda.

Dana:
Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette:
Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]

Dana:
I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?

Tina:
It has to do with her attitude.

Dana:
I've got attitude!

Marina:
It's because she's so witholding.

Tina:
No, it's because she's so confident.

Dana:
No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.

Alice:
[firmly] Dana, she's your friend.

Tina:
It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.

Dana:
What do you mean it's because of her nipples?

Tina:
She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.

Alice:
Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!

Tina:
Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.

Alice:
I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

Alice:
[seeing Tim] Do you guys think he knows?

Bette:
Knows what?

Alice:
[about Jenny] That his girlfriend is making the team with Marina.

Alice:
I don't know, you guys, you're really cutting edge, now. Lesbian moms. Biracial child.

Bette:
We are pretty in, Alice.

Alice:
Well, you're going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education. It's gonna be, like, diversity poster child.

Bette:
[trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana:
Well, she sends me food.

Bette:
Mmmhmmm.

Dana:
She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina:
These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Dana:
No, she just sends them.

Bette:
But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana:
No.

Shane:
[about Lara] Ask her out.

Bette:
No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana:
Exactly.

Alice:
Please don't encourage her.

Bette:
It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice:
You mean?

Bette:
I mean.

Dana:
What?

Bette:
We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Alice:
[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette:
Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.

Shane:
Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice:
Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina:
Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.

Alice:
Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.

Bette:
You know what we have to do.

[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]

Dana:
[after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.

Alice:
Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.

Shane:
True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.

Dana:
How can you tell?

Alice:
You read the signals.

Dana:
That's my problem.

Shane:
Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?

[Dana rolls her eyes]

Shane:
Sexuality is fluid. Whether you're gay, or you're straight or you're bisexual -- you just go with the flow.

Dana:
No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.

Alice:
You don't have gaydar.

Dana:
No.

Alice:
You're so right, you don't have it!

Shane:
Everyone's got it. You just have to tune it in.

Dana:
Hey...

Lara:
[looks up] Hey! [Lara cuts her thumb] Ow!

Dana:
Oh, my god! Oh - oh, my god, I'm sorry, I --

Lara:
It's okay.

Dana:
[panicked] Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured!

Lara:
[smiling, calm] I'm not disfigured.

Dana:
But I could've killed you! When you were (makes chopping motions)... you know...

Lara:
It happens all the time.

Dana:
Well, should we call a doctor?

Lara:
[giggles] Dana! [she holds up her hand, counting off fingers] Second-degree burn from the Béchamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um, electric can-opener.

Dana:
Is there anything I can do?

Lara:
You could kiss it and make it better.

Dana:
My friends said that they thought that you would think I was a geek if, you know, if I wore a dress.

Lara:
So, I am a geek.

Dana:
No, I'm a geek. For letting my friends tell me what to wear.

Peggy:
I was a lesbian once. In 1974.

Bette:
Just 1974?

Peggy:
Just 1974. That was all I needed.

Bette:
Well, you know, that's what we refer to as a "has-bian".

Tina:
[about Gabby] What are you gonna do?

Alice:
Well, I was gonna ask her--

Bette:
No asking.

Tina:
What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."

Bette:
"It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."

Tina:
"And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."

Bette:
"So step off, bitch!"

Jenny:
[to Marina] I don't know what to do. [sighs] Every time I look at you, I feel so completely dismantled.

Alice:
We wouldn't have been late if you hadn't spent 15 minutes in the bathroom.

Lenore:
Do I look okay? Huh?

Alice:
[nodding] You look good, you look great. You do. You really do.

Lenore:
You could take a little more time with your face, you know. You might have a girlfriend by now.

Alice:
[Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?

Tina:
You just aim below the clit.

Alice:
Oh, really?

Tina:
Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?

Alice:
I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

Kit:
[about Tina's pregnancy] You're gonna have to be so good. You can't have any more fun, uh-uh!

Tina:
I know. No red meat, no additives, no Margaritas, wine, beer... and no Xanax! No matter how stressed-out I get.

Alice:
No more smack, no more crack, and no more blow.

Tina:
Are you sure you want to go back to men?

Alice:
I'm positive. I've had enough drama and mind-f***s, and women are f***ing crazy.

Tina:
Yeah, men are boring.

Alice:
Yeah, well bring it on, because I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring, boy-girl sex masquerading as love. It's fine with me.

Alice:
Something happen with you and Lara?

Dana:
No. I'm just never having sex again, that's all.

Shane:
Easy, Dana, come on.

Dana:
I've never been more humiliated or embarrassed or ashamed of anything in my entire life.

Alice:
What, did she tie you up and leave you?

Police Officer:
[to Tim] That's why this country's homosexuals are so dangerous. When you got two people, they got the same equipment, and they both know how to treat it. How could anybody of the opposite sex compete with that?

Jenny:
[to Marina] What happened between us was a terrible mistake. It is never gonna happen again. I will never see you again. Do you understand that?

Tim:
Did you hear what she said?

Marina:
Of course I did.

Tim:
Tell me when it started.

Marina:
It didn't. You saw all there was to see, the beginning and the end.

Marina:
[to Jenny] Your strength is you write from here [puts her hand on Jenny's breast]. The demons that tempt you, that you struggle with... Am I that demon?

Dana:
[apologizing to Lara] Can I please try again? I really want to try again. Can I?

Lara:
One thing.

Dana:
[holding back tears] Anything.

Lara:
You have to start at least taking some steps towards being out.

Dana:
I will.

Lara:
Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.

Dana:
I know.

Lara:
And you are really, really gay.

Dana:
[almost laughing] I know.

Lara:
And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part.

[they kiss]

Alice:
[after she finds out that her mother slept with Shane] You know what this means? This means I can never be gay again! Never! I cannot be gay!

Shane:
Al, [chuckles] c'mon, it's no big deal. Your mom is really sexy for an older woman.

Alice:
[grunts] Oh!

Shane:
She is! And you know what, she's got really... [gesturing to her breasts] she's really...

[Alice sits in a chair and covers her ears with a pillow.]

Alice:
Oh... [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R, my baloney has a second name--

Shane:
Al, shut up, okay? I should be singing. Your mom got funky with me, alright?

Alice:
She came on to you?

Shane:
Shit, she's wild, Al.

Alice:
Oh, okay, please with the details! God! Why's my mom such a slutty, slutty, chicken-chasing pervert?

Kit:
What is wrong with my baby sister to go off and leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on? Bring her on. I wish she would bring her face up in here, that would be the last time. Look at all these women! [sees Lisa] And dude. We... will... kick... ass. [everyone agrees] I mean, what's wrong with her? I'm sure the man has enough sperm for everybody.

Marina:
Jenny's responsible for her own actions. As we all are. I don't think it's me you're angry with.

Tim:
Don't tell me how I feel. [angrily] Do not! You preyed on her. Pretended to be her friend! Playing your phony intellectual games just to get into her pants! You know what? You are f***ing pathetic, Marina.

Dana:
So what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual?

Alice:
[throws a peanut at Dana] I am bisexual.

Lara:
Okay, I'm confused.

Dana:
Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian identified... male.

Lara:
So what is that, is that like a transsexual?

Alice:
Don't.

Dana:
I wonder how he pees. Sitting down do you think? Shane?

Shane:
I never peed with him.

Tina:
I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or as a man?

Dana:
Maybe you should call yourself a trisexual.

Alice:
[leaving a message for Shane] Shane! Where are you? It's really, really lonely here at The Planet and your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome. Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we f***ed all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe. It was gross! Anyway, I wish you'd come be... surly and cynical with me. Bye!

Shane:
Hey, guys. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

Alice:
Ugh, do you have to make that joke every time we play this game?

Shane:
Yes, I do.

Dana:
We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known. Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh god, especially Mimi and Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so... so...

Tina:
What?

Shane:
Boring.

Alice:
Boring

Dana:
Boring. Guys.

Tina and Bette:
Boring?

Alice:
I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's okay. That's why we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results.

Bette:
It has results?

Tina:
Results you can... tally?

Bette:
Jesus.

Lisa:
What were you doing last night around 9:15?

Alice:
I don't know. Um... I think brushing my teeth.

Lisa:
Did you feel anything? Because I was sending you Reiki.

Alice:
Oh, my god. Did you say 9:15?

Tina:
[whispers to Bette] Reiki, isn't that boring?

Bette:
[whispers back] Really boring. Write it down.

Lara:
So you still haven't told me. What do you think counts as sex?

Dana:
I don't know. Having an orgasm.

Lara:
Well, if that was the case, that would mean thousands of women who are married with children have never had sex.

Tina:
It's primal. Females in the animal kingdom, they do this when they're gestating. You become a homebody. You just... retreat! Like a brooding hen.

Alice:
So you guys are going to pass up a private girl party on the most famous gin-palace in the Pacific so you can go home and sit on an egg?

Jenny:
Who are you?

Marina:
Someone who cares about you. You'll find that your life is richer, more full of possibilities and choices. I've opened up your world.

Jenny:
F*** you.

Alice:
[Dana is signing her magazine ad for Marina] Yeah, sign it. "Dana Fairbanks. Professional lesbian". [Dana rolls her eyes] Oh, c'mon. It's going wide next week. It's gonna be in every magazine you read.

Marina:
That's amazing. You won't be able to keep the girls away. Your parents must be so proud.

Alice:
Dana... did you not do it?

Marina:
You didn't come out to your parents yet?

Shane:
Well, I think Subaru's gonna do it for you.

Sharon:
[about Dana's Subaru ad] Oh, what did it say again, dear? It said, uh... what was... oh, "Get out and stay out!" [laughs]

Dana:
[nervous] Yeah...

Sharon:
I'm not really sure what that means.

Dana:
Uh... it means, uh... It's a marketing campaign for, uh, women. Who are like me. Who, uh... who are... out. Doorsy. Outside a lot.

Jenny:
I never said I was a lesbian.

Annette:
So it just... came outta nowhere and bit 'ya on the ass? Just like that? Because I mean, y'know... [turns to Jenny] I love women. Yeah, for companionship, I figure I could do without the company of men entirely. Except, dude... can't get down with the puss. I love a dick.

Jenny:
I think I'm bisexual.

Annette:
Oh, brother.

Jenny:
I do. I really do.

Annette:
Jenny. Is this just your way of telling me that you had a huge crush on me in college?

Jenny:
Why couldn't I have been born with a trust fund, you know? All I wanna do is just sit at this desk and just write and...

Annette:
That's because most people with trust funds aren't tortured enough to write.

Annette:
[spying on Marina and Francesca] Twat!

Jenny:
No more twat. No more twat for me. Twat gets me into trouble.

Dana:
[to Alice, watching Shane and Slim interact] It's like some weird carnival mirror or something.

Francesca:
[to Jenny] The thing about Marina is that when she focuses on you, you feel like you're the only one that exists. It's her gift. I don't blame you for falling in love with her. [to Marina] But maybe you use your gift a little too freely.

Alice:
[to Dana, who is moping in bed] Some of us have it worse, you know, Dana. Some of us are dating lesbian men. Okay? C'mon.

Dana:
[about her mom] It's like I came out to a piece of wood. I mean, she didn't even mention it.

Alice:
That's good. She's accepting it through denial.

Dana:
She's setting me up on a blind date with her friend Mildred's son!

Alice:
At least it's not shock therapy.

Andrew:
You know, I don't understand why you need to be set up. When your mother showed me your picture I was, like--

Dana:
Was it a Subaru ad by any chance?

Andrew:
Oh, you did a Subaru ad?

Dana:
Yeah. The slogan was "Get out and stay out."

Andrew:
Oh, is that like an outdoorsy kind of...

Dana:
Gay thing? Yeah, look, um... That's me, okay? I'm... I'm a lesbian! [Andrew looks at her weirdly with lust] Don't look at me like that, okay? I don't wanna have sex with you and another woman, okay? I'd just... I would want to have sex with a woman, alright. I'm that gay.

Alice:
What am I gonna do if I'm f***ing pregnant?

Dana:
Get an abortion, Al.

Shane:
You could give the baby to Bette and Tina. [Dana and Alice scrunch their noses at Shane] Well, we're already like a family, it'd be like the kid belongs to all of us.

Alice:
So, instead of "Heather Has Two Mommies," Heather has six mommies.

Dana:
[about Lisa, if Alice is pregnant] Wow. Well, he'd be the first lesbo in history ever to pull that one off.

Alice:
There's not that, you know, bullshit of like... you know, I do you, you do me, and, you know... we check in, have we had equal time? And all that crap.

Dana:
You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

Shane:
Hey, look, now that you're out big time, let's give you a mullet.

Dana:
What? No.

Shane:
Yes, c'mon, hockey hair, it'll be hot.

Dana:
No!

Alice:
I don't think she's ready to be a bulldyke, Shane.

Dana:
[to Alice] Thank you.

Shane:
Mmkay.

Tina:
[telling them how she and Bette first met] So then, that night I go home and I realize... I left the earring at her gallery even though I could have sworn that I put it back on my ear. [chuckling] Call it fate.

Alice:
Or call it the oldest trick in the book.

Alice:
[to Lenore] Woohoo, congratulate me. I got my period.

Bette:
So why are we congratulating you?

[Everybody but Bette and Tina looks awkward]

Alice:
[searching for words] Huh?... Cause I love getting my period.

Lenore:
She does. Ever since she was a kid.

Alice:
Right. Yeah, no. Cause it reaffirms my womanhood. I like to celebrate it to, you know, show women everywhere it's a blessing, it's not a curse.

Jenny:
So, is this a golf tournament?

Alice:
Yeah, it's the Kraft-Nabisco Professional Women's Golf Tournament. Otherwise known as the Dinah Shore Weekend.

Jenny:
Is she gay?

Alice:
No. Dinah Shore's dead.

Lenore:
Tennis players are like girls in college. Gay until graduation.

Alice:
Alright, look. Right there. See?

[A couple of butch lesbians walk by, hand in hand.]

Alice:
That's what I call a hundred footer.

Jenny:
What's that?

Tina:
It means you can tell she's a lesbian from a hundred feet away.

Alice:
Is it her hair? Is it her jog bra? Is it her mandles? I don't know!

[Everyone laughs.]

Tina:
Great.

Alice:
I can tell she's a lesbo from across a football field.

Jenny:
[about manatees] What happened to them, why were they beached?

Gene:
Well, the, um... the one female was running away from the five males. She stays in heat for a month and the... the bulls spend the entire time smashing into each other, trying to have sex with her then they just kinda ditch her once she's pregnant.

Jenny:
Gosh, that sounds like a lot of humans.

Candace:
[in jail] Aren't you going to sit down?

Bette:
I can't.

Candace:
Why?

Bette:
I can't sit near you.

Marina:
[to Robin] The Greek word eros denotes want, like, the desire for that which is missing. The lover wants what he doesn't have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants if as soon as it is had it is no longer wanted.

Bette:
[leaving a message] F***, Tina, I know you're real busy saving the world and everything, but I need you to start answering your phone.

Dana:
[about her arrest] Oh, god, I'm gonna die if my parents find out about this!

Alice:
Well, look at the upside: now, being a dyke won't be a big deal.

Shane:
[to Cherie] You know... my entire life, people have said that... I would become a psychopath if I didn't learn how to feel. But I wanna know, Cherie, what the f*** is so great about feeling? Because I finally let myself. And I feel like my heart's been completely ripped out.

Ivan:
Do you know what you're looking for, Kit?

Kit:
No. No, not in the big picture sense that you mean.

Ivan:
Then how do you know I can't give it to you?

Shane:
I had this insane idea that you and I could be together. Because it felt real.

Cherie:
It was a delusion.

Shane:
Then I'm delusional. Because, I swear you felt the same way about me.

Kit:
[to Bette, sarcastically] Well, thank you for the lessons of the ritual mating habits of the indigenous lesbians. Maybe next week we'll do butch and femme role-play.

Bette:
[about Ivan] She's madly in love with you, you know.

Kit:
No, he's not, we're friends, he helps me out with stuff.

Bette:
That's because she is in love with you, and she wants to be your husband.

Gene:
If you wanna have dinner sometime... I could tell you everything I know about manatees.

Jenny:
I'd like that.