The L Word, Season 3

Dr. Farber:
Alright, listen... The guiding principle here is that we are trying to rekindle the sexual spark in this long-term relationship. And Mama T and Mama B do not make mad, passionate love to one another; they make cookies.

Alice:
I'm Alice Pieszecki and you're listening to the chart on KCRW. Welcome back. Tonight we are talking about the connection between love and the senses. [short pause] Your lover kisses you, and you feel a tremor in the back of your knees. The synapses fire sending orders, move your legs, move your arms... she's the one for you, she's the... girl of your dreams, she's your one and only. And you know because... the smell of her makes your head swim, because you get a physical jolt every time she sends a glance your way. I mean she touches you here [puts hand on lower neck] and you feel it... here. [touches inner thigh] You touch her... anywhere, and you feel it... everywhere. And then... boom. It's six months later and she's... touching someone else. And you might say "Hey... all relationships end, lovers leave, leaving a labyrinth of... heartache and betrayal." For example, my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous... former lesbian named April, who I then wound up having a rebound affair with, but... We could also talk about Gabbi. Otherwise known as lesbian ex of point of origin for an entire geographical substratum of lesbian linkages. Including... Lara. Yes that same Lara, we love her... Lara the larcenist... Lara the liberator. Lara the, the new true love of... of Dana. [takes out and opens a bottle of pills] ...and, yeah, I mean Dana who told me she needed... she needed closure, closure with Lara. [pause] Well, it's six months later... and I'm still waiting for it to close.

Jenny:
Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?

Moira:
It's crossed my mind...

Alice:
[on her relationship with Angelica] I'm her Earth-mother. I guess I'd be her godmother, except I don't believe in God.

Stepfather:
I don't know what more we can do.

Jenny:
Nothing. There is nothing more you can do for me to make me the person you are comfortable with.

[Carmen is making out with Shane]

Carmen:
Quiero lamberte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces.

Shane:
Sorry, my Spanish is a little rusty. Could you be more specific?

Carmen:
It means: I want to lick you until you come in my mouth a thousand times.

Shane:
Whoa.

Jenny:
[after shooting one of the rednecks with a taser gun] We're not fags, idiot! We're DYKES!

Anna:
Who does your hair?

Shane:
I do it myself.

Anna:
Well, some job you do to it. It's all tangled, stringy. When was the last time you washed it?

[Anna takes out a brush and starts brushing Shane's hair]

Anna:
Here, I'll just pat it down. If you want me to make it a little more straight I'll...

Shane:
[interrupting] NO! Do not... make it straight.

Alice:
[to a little kid at Angelica's birthday party] Hi there, who are you?

Roland:
I'm Roland. Are you the clown?

Alice:
I'm the birthday girl, Roland. [Alice looks around and spots all the toddlers at the party. It's clearly not her party] And yes, yes I'm the clown.

Roland:
[running off] Mommy, mommy, the clown's here!

Carmen:
[snickering, to Shane] Big butch: go unload the truck.

[Moira tosses bag at Shane, who almost falls over catching it]

Bette:
I'm trying to meet with Barbara Grisham tomorrow before the hearings.

Tina:
Senator Grisham. Damn, I think she's hot.

Bette:
Is your husband as fluid as you are?

Senator Barbara Grisham:
My husband. I have an arrangement. Works out well. But none the less.

Alice:
What do you teach?

Uta Refson:
I'm a vampirologist. I teach a course on the queer vampire in literature and film. And a seminar called demon desire, about the vampire as a lesbian predator.

Alice:
Okay, I'm a total vampire lesbian freak!

Uta Refson:
What attracts you to the lesbian vampire, Alice?

Alice:
I don't know, Uta. Maybe it's just... I like the dark side.

Uta Refson:
What about tomorrow?

Alice:
What? Lunch?

Uta Refson:
For dinner. I'm not much of a daytime person.

Alice:
What? Because vampires don't go out during the day?

Uta Refson:
No. We lay in bed... with the curtains drawn.

[creepy musical fanfare]

Alice:
[slightly afraid] Okay... uh... tomorrow night.

Alice:
I think Uta might be a vampire

Helena:
What?

Alice:
Well have you seen her teeth? They're...

Helena:
[cuts Alice off] What?

Alice:
They're sharp. They're... [shows Helena her neck]

Helena:
That's a hickey.

Alice:
I don't know. [pauses] I don't know.

Helena:
Well. [pulls out a mirror] You know what they say about vampires. No reflection.

Alice:
Oh!

Helena:
Try.

Alice:
Okay. [to Uta, who just walked over] Hey.

Helena:
Okay.

[Helena leaves, scared by the look Uta just gave her]

Alice:
I think I got some thing in my teeth. I'll just... [turns so the mirror faces Uta]

[Uta ducks while Alice is turning]

Alice:
[looking for Uta in the mirror] Holy fucking shit. [turns around]

Uta Refson:
[standing again] What? Oh, I just dropped my ring. Why don't we get out of here?

Alice:
[has a scared/distrusting look on her face] Okay.

Carmen:
[about flirting with guys in her DJ-booth] Are you jealous?

Shane:
NO! I'm not fucking jealous... it just made me sad.

Carmen:
Oh! You were so fucking sad that you go off and fuck Cherie Jaffe... SHANE! What kind of psychotic response is that?

Alice:
Where's Carmen?

Shane:
Ugh, I'm in the shithouse.

Alice:
Why?

Shane:
Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo.

Alice:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I fucked David Schwimmer. [Shane stares at her] Well, Friends was on a lot.

Dana:
Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget.

[Shane laughs, Alice nudges her]

Dana:
But I wasn't mad at you or anything.

[after Tina slept with a man]

Bette:
You no longer have the privileges of being my life partner!

Tina:
Woah!

Carmen:
It's like one minute you're my girlfriend, you're on my side, you love me and the next minute...

Shane:
I don't wanna lose your family! Okay? I don't want them to hate me. I think it would be really fucked if they sat there and blamed me for this, which I'm so sure they already have.

Carmen:
What do you know about family?

Kit:
What's male inside? What's female inside? Why can't you be the butchest butch in the world and keep your body?

Max:
Because I wanna feel whole. I want the outside of me to match the inside of me.

Kit:
You'll be giving up the most precious thing in the world.

Max:
What? My tits?

Kit:
No. Being a woman

Dr. Susan Love:
[signing Alice's book] There you go, Alice.

Alice:
Why thank you, Doctor Love.

Dr. Susan Love:
I would advise anybody in your condition to have chemotherapy, but I'm really glad you're doing all the complementary therapies as well, because that's really gonna make you feel better.

Dana:
Just... At this point, I wanna know what I can do to help you.

Alice:
Yeah. I mean, you're working on a cure right? That's what I read.

Helena:
Alice, you saw that.

Alice:
She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra.

Tina:
Why don't you guys go out?

[after finding out about Max's past as Moira]

Tim Haspel:
[to his wife] Becky, the next time we see Jenny, she might be with a German Shepard.

Jenny:
[to Tim's wife] You know, before he left me, he gave me a revenge-fuck.

[at Dana's funeral]

Priest:
How unfortunate it is that she died before finding herself a husband and...

Alice:
What the hell are you talking about? Dana was GAY!

[everyone gasps in horror]

Tegan Quin:
[Dana is hallucinating after having taken LSD with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert] Hey, you know who's a lesbian?

Sara Quin:
Dana Fairbanks!

Dana:
I am not!

Bette:
What?

Tegan Quin:
Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!

Max:
[to Jenny] If you think men are the enemy, then you and I have a problem.