The League, Season 4

Ruxin:
She was flickin that bean like Mean Joe Greene

Taco:
All right, I love hospital parties. Where is the bar?

Andre:
There's no bar. It's a hospital.

Taco:
It's America. There's always a bar.

Pete:
I just look at all the players that are available, give them +1's or -1's for all their attributes, and it actually kind of works on women too.

Ruxin:
How so?

Pete:
Look, we all know, after the draft, there's not too much talent left on the free agency market, right? The same thing is true for women after the age of 28 'cause all the good ones are basically taken.

Kevin:
They're drafted to other peoples teams.

Pete:
And those who are left, myself included, have a ton of baggage. Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe she's got daddy issues, you know. This allows me to ferret it all out and make the right pick.

Andre:
Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you're just choosing someone off the waiver wire?

Pete:
Pretty much, yeah. I mean, look, here's an example. These three nice ladies over here. The one in the middle-she's beautiful. That gives her a +2. But look closely under her fingernails-there's some chalk. Means she's probably a teacher, has to get up early. That's a big -1 for me. Also, very expensive necklace-not affordable on a teacher's salary. That means she's probably taken. That gives her a -2, which means I've got to find another player to pick up.

Taco:
Poor little Chalupa is gonna lose his crispy outer shell.

Kevin:
Can you not speak of my son's member as if it was fourthmeal?

Shiva:
This league is a pain in my ass. I didn't ask to be a part of it, and I want out.

Jenny:
But you're the Shiva.

Shiva:
That's right, I am the Shiva. Totally. And the Shiva is angry. This league does not have the Shiva's blessing. This year will go badly for everyone. The Shiva has spoken.

Sutton:
I had a really great time tonight, but I just...I don't think that this is gonna work.

Pete:
You know that already?

Sutton:
Yeah, I'm getting older, and I feel like a lot of guys, they have baggage, so I just, I've had to...

Pete:
[getting it] Implement a system.

Sutton:
Exactly, yes.

Pete:
I understand. All right, I hate to ask, but...how did I do?

Sutton:
Okay, full head of hair, +1. Confident, +1. I like that you stalked me in the food court for a while, +1.

Pete:
This is good. You're thorough.

Sutton:
But there's the immaturity, -1. Fear of commitment, -1.

Pete:
That's right.

Sutton:
You had three drinks, -1.

Pete:
You had four.

Sutton:
You were in the bathroom so long, -1.

Pete:
Wait, wait, wait, there was a line there; we discussed this. I stand by that.

Sutton:
For the men's room? Come on. Bragging about how much sleep you get, -1.

Pete:
It's a nice quality.

Sutton:
And you didn't have to tell me what celebrity every single person in the restaurant looked like.

Pete:
I'm still convinced that guy might have been Tony Danza.

Sutton:
-1, and I'm not even gonna get into the whole thing about how you're still friends with my ex-boyfriend, and I'm sure you've talked about what I'm like in bed.

Pete:
Sutton, I would never do...okay, -1.

Sutton:
So that's...-7.

Pete:
That's rough.

Sutton:
Sorry, Pete. Good night.

Pete:
Well played, Sutton. You're out of my league.

Taco:
Oh, hey Pete.

Pete:
Taco, what the hell are you doing here?

Taco:
I'm gonna hang out with Sutton. No, I know the deal. No dating, just sex.

Pete:
Yeah, but...

Sutton:
Independently wealthy, +8.

Kevin:
I'm not comfortable with this at all. It doesn't look very sterile. I saw some kid picking his nose outside.

Jenny:
Have you met your daughter?

Ellie:
What's that supposed to mean?

Rafi:
[after getting "killed" in paintball] GATTACA!

Rafi:
I don't respect you, okay?

Gail:
Perfect. I don't respect myself.

Rafi:
What?! Okay, fine. Truth be told, there's another girl here.

Gail:
Awesome.

Rafi:
You're into that?!

Gail:
How do you think I got through nursing school?

Rafi:
You know what? You gotta go.

Gail:
I'm not going.

Rafi:
Just pack it up!

Gail:
I am here...

Rafi:
I don't find you attractive!

Gail:
I don't care!

Rafi:
I think your face is gross, I think your boobs are different sizes, and I think [points to crotch] this is way too big!

Gail:
All right, you are getting me so hot right now.

Rafi:
What?!

Gail:
Yes! Treat me like shit.

Rafi:
This is Sofia, the light of my life.

Gail:
Yeah, right.

Rafi:
She's the most beautiful woman in the world.

Sofia:
Aw...

Rafi:
I love you so much.

Sofia:
I love you so much.

Gail:
Bullshit.

Rafi:
Bullshit? Fine.

[He kisses Sofia]

Ruxin:
[sick] Sofia Ruxin forever unclean.

Rafi:
I love you.

Sofia:
I love you.

Gail:
All right, you know what? I don't have to take this. You really messed this up. You could've had sex with the most pathetic, insecure, desperate woman you've ever met. I would have let you put me in a cage!

Rafi:
I have a cage!

Gail:
Have fun in your cage alone!

Rafi:
[as she leaves] Later, Gail.

Sofia:
What was that all about?

Rafi:
Oh, I was just messing around. But by the way, great kiss.

Sofia:
Really?

Rafi:
[to Ruxin] I hope you're getting a lot of this, man because this is some terrific kissing right here my sister does.

Sofia:
I'm a good kisser.

Ruxin:
Ugh! No!

Rafi:
I mean, you're such a good kisser, you got my dick hard, and I'm your brother.

Sofia:
Oh, come on, I didn't make you hard.

Rafi:
You can check. You can check.

Taco:
I'm gonna go smoke a bowl. I'll be right back.

Pete:
Holy shit, is this for real?

Ruxin:
These seem hard, but they're...not.

Andre:
There's a lot of math.

Kevin:
How can an electronics store have 182 customers in one day?

Andre:
I don't understand why you need to know fractions for the NFL.

Taco:
[taking shots with two women] To the Wonderlic! You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?

Kevin:
Suzannah's giving away entirely too much of her tips.

Pete:
You're still on Suzannah?

Kevin:
Yeah.

Andre:
[breaking his pencil tip] Can I have another pencil?

Kevin:
The Wilson family has an eating disorder.

Andre:
Joan's coat cost...

Ruxin:
Just shut up.

Taco:
[sitting back down] Who wants some shots?

Ruxin:
[leaving] I'm outta here.

Pete:
Car's in the back.

Ruxin:
[going the other way] Oh, shit on a bum!

Pete:
Just kidding. It's in the front.

Ruxin:
Oh! Bum shits on me!

Kevin:
And the thing with this Wonderlic test was not that the questions were so hard, but they were terribly worded. One of them was, like, "Randolph's got eight pairs of pants, four shirts, and six ties-how many days can he wear an outfit without repeating one?"

Jenny:
192 days. 8 x 6 x 4.

Kevin:
Maybe, but you know, probably not. There were harder ones than that. They even went so far as to make up words. How many pints in a peck? That's not even real. What's a peck?

Ellie:
A peck is two gallons.

Kevin:
No, it's not, sweetheart. You're wrong.

Jenny:
She's right.

Kevin:
I'm not even really convinced this whole piano thing is a good idea. I just want to start her on an activity that ensures she'll never have sex.

Jenny:
Me too.

Kevin:
Okay, I still like my idea. I really think we should consider ballet. She can dance around with gay guys, and she won't have sex 'til she's, like, 30.

Jenny:
Are you kidding me? Everyone wants to have sex with ballerinas. Did you see Black Swan? Ballerinas wanna have sex with ballerinas. I think musical instruments are the way to go, and we should just be thankful it's not a woodwind.

Kevin:
What do you mean?

Jenny:
Really? Woodwind?

[She mimes playing a clarinet, but it looks like...]

Kevin:
Oh! God, Jenny!

Kevin:
Michael Moore came in here and J'd off in our bathroom.

Jenny:
What?!

Kevin:
Cracked his meat all over the place. It's disgusting!

Jenny:
He just jerked off in our bathroom?

Kevin:
Yes! He saw you, and then asked to be excused to go to the bathroom and...

Jenny:
What?! That is disgusting! He went and jerked off in our bathroom [gets a little flattered] after he saw me walk by?

Kevin:
First this guy comes in and treats or house like an adult theater, then he drops off a racist piano. Obviously the piano company just unloaded a product they didn't want anymore.

Taco:
He unloaded a lot of stuff no one wants.

[All finding Ellie singing "Pick a Bale of Cotton" while wearing Jenny's robe]

Jenny:
You know what, sweetheart? Why don't we stop playing a musical instrument and start watching television?

Andre:
Yeah, I hear The Grand Wizards of Waverly Place is on.

Jenny:
You know what? Let's just get rid of this thing before we traumatize our daughter more than we already have.

Kevin:
You know, if we just put her in ballet, all I would have to return is a pair of Capezios and an eating disorder.

Ruxin:
Can I propose a best-of-both-worlds scenario?

Kevin:
Please.

Ruxin:
Maybe you should get some chocolate pudding, wipe it all over her face, and then she can perform Blackface Swan.

Ruxin:
This is Taco, this is Michelle.

Michelle:
Friend, client?

Taco:
Both.

Ruxin:
Neither.

Taco:
Oh, hey, Ellie. Nice haircut.

Charlie:
I'm Charlie.

Taco:
Don't talk back to me-I'm an adult. [Sees the microscope] Oh, cool! Let me know when you're done with this. This'll make an awesome guest bong.

Charlie:
Can I ask you about sex?

Taco:
Sure, buddy. How old are you?

Charlie:
Eight.

Taco:
Do you own a waterbed?

Charlie:
No.

Taco:
How many women have you had sex with?

Charlie:
None.

Taco:
What? Wow, you're way behind. I'll introduce you to my friend Andre's sister.

Pete:
Tell me the story again. You were both running for the computer. You fell, she picked up the player. I mean, this sounds a little...

Ruxin:
I would say that there has been foul play here.

Jenny:
Are you insinuating I put a bounty on my own husband's head?

Ruxin:
In the video post, you said that you wanted to take him out.

Jenny:
It was a joke. You're on the message boards all the time saying that you're gonna put your D up Kevin's B. Do you?

Ruxin:
No, because he is Pete's property.

Jenny:
You look like the oldest boy band ever, and Ruxin, you look like their creepy gay manager.

Deion Sanders:
[laughing] This is good. You can't be friends, right? Because no one told the other person how they really look. Are you guys a boy band?

Andre:
When we all hang out, people call us the Dre Tones.

Pete:
No, not the Dre Tones.

Deion:
Yeah, I got one better. Old Kids on the Block.

Pete:
[shamed] That's a good one.

Deion:
What about the Old Street Boys? I got one more, one more. Bell Biv DeOld!

Kevin:
Yeah, well, these clothes are poison.

Rafi:
Thanks for the car, assholes. Eat my dick! [Peels off in the Shivamobile with the Shiva in the back] I'm gonna blast this trophy in the butt!

Wesley-san:
Arigato...racist.

Taco:
"Get in my sack you little brats"!