The Life and Times of Juniper Lee, Season 1

Juniper Lee:
Sorry we're late.

Jody Irwin:
You're always late.

Juniper Lee:
I know.

Juniper Lee:
Your mother hired a clown?

Jody Irwin:
It was the pony, the magician, or the clown.

Ophelia Ramírez:
Ah, the lesser of three evils.

Ophelia Ramírez:
One, there's no music. Two, if there was music, I wouldn't like it. Three, no.

Juniper:
Ray-Ray.......what did you do?

Ray-Ray:
What?

Juniper:
What did you do?

Ray-Ray:
Nothing.......

Juniper:
Nothing? we've got 40 pounds of slug in our toilet.........what did you do?!

Cult:
What's that?

Juniper:
That’s my dog, and he’s showing us the way out. Ya ready to go bubba?

Cult:
Sure!

Juniper:
Good. 'Cause it’s go-time.

Jody is possessed by a Viking spirit

Jody Irwin:
Give me the medallion, you milk-livered runt!

Juniper Lee:
Runt?! I've got two inches on you!

Thor:
"ordering pity party of one please, your table is ready, tonights special is an oven roasted fillet of poor me, served on a delightful bed of cry me a river."

Juniper:
"Thanks for all your help. I hope we did not interupt anything."

Thor:
"Well, just book club. But it's ok,"...whispering: "I hadn't read it yet anyway, don't tell anybody."

June:
Ray-Ray, what did you do?

Ray Ray:
(laughs) Relax. When I tell you, you're gonna laugh, I swear!

June:
Ray Ray!

Ray Ray:
Okay, you know those cyclone monkeys you got locked up in your room?

June:
Yeah?

Ray Ray:
Well, not so much locked up anymore.

(Ray Ray opens the door to show the cyclone monkeys loose, causing havoc)

June:
Oh, man!

Ray Ray:
It wasn't my fault! You should label those boxes you keep them in.

June:
(picks up the box) It is labeled! "Cyclone Monkeys! Danger! DO NOT OPEN!!"

Ray Ray:
You see, that's kinda vague.

Ray Ray:
We should get a dog!

Barbara Lee:
Ray Ray!

Michael Lee:
You seem to have forgotten Monroe.

Barbara Lee:
Yes, sweetie, we have a dog.

Ray Ray:
(silently) I was hoping for one who didn't talk back so much.

(Barbara stares, Juniper kicks Ray Ray in the shin):

Ray Ray:
Ow! Uh, I mean, Monroe is June's dog. I want one of my own.

Dennis:
If he gets a dog, I'm getting a snake.

June:
Yeah, well, if Dennis gets a snake, I wanna get my ears pierced again.

Michael Lee:
Hey! No snakes, one set of holes in your ears is plenty, and we have a dog!

Ray Ray:
If I get my grades up, then can I have a dog?

Barbara Lee:
(pauses) What's wrong with your grades?

June:
Smooth.

Ray Ray:
Nothing! I just mean...going from the straight A's I'm getting to A-pluses! You know, kickin' out hardcore!

Michael Lee:
Atta boy, Ray Ray! Glad to hear you're getting excited about learning.

(Ray Ray is tossing appliances, toys, and sporting goods in the Batoot's mouth)

Ray Ray:
Yeah!

June:
Ray Ray, stop that! He's a monster, not a landfill.

(June, Ray Ray, and Dennis are practicing their musical act for the school's talent show)

Juniper Lee:
Hold on, hold on. Ahh! My guitar's out of tune.

Dennis:
Trust me, Van Halen, it's not the guitar.

Juniper Lee:
Hey, at least I can keep the beat. There's dead people who can keep time better than you.

Dennis:
Oh, yeah? Well, Ray-Ray doesn't even know which song we're playing.

Ray Ray:
Dude, I go where the music takes me. (he drums)

Juniper Lee:
Come on. Tryouts for the talent show are tomorrow. Can we please try and get through one song?

Ray Ray:
Dude! Roger is a musical genius!

Juniper Lee:
Yeah, but look at Mr. Roskins. He hates everything.

Dennis:
Oh, what do you care what some old geezer thinks.

Juniper Lee:
He's the judge.

Dennis:
So?

Juniper Lee:
He decides which acts get in the show.

Dennis:
So?

Juniper Lee:
If he doesn't like us, we don't get in.

Dennis:
In what?

Juniper Lee:
I cannot believe we're related.

Ray Ray:
We rule!

Juniper Lee:
Hmph. That was weird.

Dennis:
No, it's not. We got in off our reputation.

Juniper Lee:
Reputation? Mom and Dad are the only ones who've heard us play, and they made us soundproof the basement! We stink!

Dennis:
You stink. I carry both of your no-talent butts.

Juniper Lee:
You play bass, Dennis. It's a miracle anyone even notices you.

June:
Please tell me this isn't happening. (bracelet rings) Oh. Okay, okay! I get it! It's happening!

Michael:
You’re in big trouble, young lady.

Mrs. Gomez:
June, I asked your parents here, because your report on the platypus. It was plagiarized. And in some cases, just plain wrong. The platypus did not discover America or ballroom dancing.

Barbara:
June, how could you do this?

Michael:
We're very disappointed in you.

Juniper Lee:
But, it's not my fault.

Barbara:
Mm-hmm. Who's fault is it then?

Juniper Lee:
(Sighs) Nobody. It's just... well, I've been really busy and-

Michael:
Well, you're about to get less busy, young lady! Because you're grounded!

(Cut to Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe in her room after she gets grounded)

Monroe:
AAAAAH! You didn't think it was a wee bit suspicious he was helping you for absolutely no reason at all?!

Juniper Lee:
He's a helper elf! He had a badge!

Monroe:
(points to Ray-Ray) This one had a t-shirt that says "Rock Star", you don't see me asking for his autograph!

Ray Ray:
That's 'cause it costs a dollar.

Juniper Lee:
Oh, just what I need right now. Speed demons are freaking out. I'll be back in half and hour.

(Juniper tries to leave because she is grounded, but is stopped by Michael who is outside)

Michael:
Going somewhere, young lady?

Juniper Lee:
Oh, dad. No, no, no, I was just staring out the old me. Yep, it helps sometimes when the weather gets damp. I see there's a storm brewing-

Michael:
Back inside.

Juniper Lee:
Yes, sir. (Goes back inside and closes her window doors)

Monroe:
Well, congratulations on being the first Te Xuan Ze forbidden to fight monsters by her parents.

Ray Ray:
June, you can totally super jump over Dad.

Juniper Lee:
No, Ray Ray.

Ray Ray:
Or you could turn totally invisible. Or I'll turn totally invisible and we can make a huge flesh-eating zombie out of paper. Yeah! And then the two of us will distract Dad while you and Monroe conjure up screaming rhino with wings…

Juniper Lee:
RAY RAY!!!

Ray Ray:
Okay, no rhino, a zebra.

Juniper Lee:
I'm not going anywhere. I'm grounded.

Ray Ray:
Show yourselves, evil creature!

Monroe:
For the last time, boy, the Speed Demons are not evil. They’re just high-strung.

Ray Ray:
Well, they better get un-stronger! They're gonna taste my boomerang of pain!

Monroe:
That is a kitchen sponge.

Ray Ray:
Jealous much? You can't hive forever, speed demon guys! Okay, seriously. Where are they?

Monroe:
Whoa, there, lad, calm down now. Deep cleansing breaths. Tell us what's upsetting you.

Speed Demon:
It was -- it was -- it was --

Monroe:
Sound it out, me boy.

Speed Demon:
A Levia -- a Levia -- a Levia --

Ray Ray:
Dude, just spit it out!

Speed Demon:
A Leviathan Frog!

Monroe:
A Leviathan Frog? Oh, please! You over-caffeinated monkeys, that's ludicrous. A Leviathan Frog, indeed. In 600 years, there hasn’t been… (looks behind him) A LEVIATHAN FROG!!!

(He and Ray Ray retreat)

Michael:
Hey, honey, just checking you to see if you're okay.

Juniper Lee:
Well, yeah, just doing some homework.

[June pours a chemical on the ripped scroll in a trash can]

Ray Ray:
What's this supposed to do?

June:
Well, it should retroactively conjure the ethereal energy of the room and visually unveil the unobservable mysteries that took place.

Ray Ray:
Oh! Kind of like a camcorder?

June:
Sorta.

[She pours more of the chemical which explodes, then she takes out a crystal which shows an image of the Pirados Demons coming in the room]

Monroe:
Ugh! [sputters] Pirados Demons! No wonder the whole room smells like a gorilla's butt!

[The image disappears]

June:
Come on! These guys busted into our house and shoplifted from my room. The Te Xuan Ze does not give five-finger discounts.

Ophelia:
Okay, listen up, people, I'm makin' a few changes here. (Rolls out "Stalk the Rocksical" banner)

Ophelia:
Terrence, Melissa.... You were cast as Jack and the Princess? Heh. Yeah, we've decided to go another way. Now you're the cow! (Melissa audibly gasps) Oh and MELISSA, take the BACK-half.

Melissa:
Guh, you can't-!

Ophelia:
Jody, YOU'RE the new princess. (Jody shrieks out with joy) Ray Ray, you're gonna be the goose.

Ophelia:
(after Roger interrupts) Roger! For the tenth time, you are not in this scene.

Roger:
But I've only got two lines at the end of the play. I just run out and scream, "Power to the beans! Power to the beans!"

Ophelia:
And if you come in early one more time, I'm gonna cut it down to NO lines. Comprende? Bikers, you're killing me here. You're absolutely killing me. You're the vicious scourge of the road. Let me see some grip. And grim reaper, you're supposed to be the bringer of death. Hello?! When you come out on that stage, I want that audience DEAD. Get it? DEAD! (calmly) But I must say I think it was your best effort yet. Take five. BUT ONLY FIVE!

June:
It's Edipan, you idiots. You're supposed to be on vacation!

Dimitri:
I don't observe Edipan.

Hench-yeti:
He's not crazy about Labor Day either.

Ashley:
Hey, that is such a cool shirt. It looks really cute on you!

Ray Ray:
Dude. I am never taking this off.

Monroe:
I hate to break it to ya, lad, but you never do. You're like Charlie Brown.

Juniper:
I've got like 300 episodes of The Powerpuff Girls on tape and tons of other stuff to do and... [to the TV] Get 'em, Bubbles! [to Ah-Mah on the phone] I'll call you later, 'kay? Bye!

William:
Ugh, everyone off to school? No beasties to battle? What am I supposed to do while they're off all day, sit around and watch you eat biscuits?

[Cut to them in the basement while Monroe reads and eats a biscuit]

Monroe:
I'm allowed one a week.

William:
And obviously, that diet's working out real well for you.

Ray Ray:
I got the bait! [pulls out a gnome out of his backpack]

William:
Brilliant job, laddie.

Monroe:
Ray Ray, did you steal that off someone's front yard?

Ray Ray:
Dude, look at this thing. I was doing him a favor. Plus, if the gnome doesn't work out, I got us backup. [pulls out a flamingo decor out of his backpack]

Ray Ray:
Listen, listen, listen. We were in this bowling alley filled with elves, right? And nobody ever told me that elves were that allergic to fried foods. And it was around this time that I gave all these elves french fries!

[He and the monsters laugh]

Green Monster:
Hey, Ronnie, come here! You gotta listen to this kid!

Orange Monster:
[laughs] Is that when the cyclone monkeys got out?

Ray Ray:
No, no, no. That was right before we got us a batoot who ate half the house and all our toilets! What's with you guys and eating toilets?!

[the monsters laugh again]

June:
What a crock! I wasn't even nominated for best newcomer. Oh, man, or best use of banishment spells! I live off of banishment spells!

Monroe:
Hey, you don't hear me complaining about not getting nominated for best anthropomorphic animal advisor.

Ray Ray:
Monroe, who are these guys?

Monroe:
They are a group called H.A.M. -- Humans for the Abolishment of Magic. They are human beings who wish to rid the world of magic. They are very bad people.

Monroe:
I better call your grandmother. Juniper Lee: No, no, no, no. You can't tell Ah-mah! It's to embarrassing.