The Life and Times of Juniper Lee, Season 3

Jasmine:
Do as your Ah-mah says and leave it be. No cakes, no parties, no way, no-how! Got it?

Juniper:
I, uh... kinda wish you'd told us a little bit sooner. (door flinging open) SURPRISE!

Jasmine:
I'm gonna sell the both of you to warlocks.

Juniper:
(pushing her grandma) Ugh! C'mon, aunt Lilly and aunt Rose were asking for you all day!

Jasmine:
Oh, no... I can't see my sisters, not today. They make me feel old, and fat.

Lily and Rose:
Jasmii-ine!

(beat)

Lily:
(happily) You're so old.

Rose:
(disappointed) And fat! Look at your butt...

Lily:
...Lot a junk in the trunk!

Rose and Lilly:
[both laugh at her]

[Jasmine sigh]

(Uncle Eddy is drinking ginger ale in the basement with Roger sitting next to him)

Roger:
Can I get a sip of that?

(Uncle Eddy breathes fire on Roger's costume with his nostrils and goes back to drinking his ginger ale)

Roger:
Killer pyrotechnics!

Jody:
New boy at school! New boy at school! [very fast and excited] He just moved here from Walnut Grove, [runs up to Roger] he lives on Devonshire Drive, [runs up to Ray Ray] his eyes are green, his favorite color is blue, [to Ophelia] he likes a light breakfast, usually toast and occasionally cereal with a sliced banana. [breathes] And he's really cute! Crazy cute! So cute you gotta go home and change your outfit cute! ...Which I did, twice.

Ophelia:
This boy got a name?

Jody:
[sighs dreamily] Taylor Evermore.

Ophelia:
He's not so great.

Taylor:
[while passing by] Hey, cool hair.

[Ophelia giggles]

Loki:
If supergirl thinks a little something like BANISHMENT is gonna keep "The King of Lies" down, she's got a whole 'nother thing comin' babe! All daddy needs to skip-outta this joint, is another high-ranking magical being to take my place in this cell! And thanks to the fact that you inherited my devastating good looks, Juniper Lee's never gonna see our little scheme coming! NEVER! Remember, once you get her on desecrated grounds, give her the enchanted charm. THEN BING, BANG, BOOM! She is the one in the cage and the Big Man is out the world again! Think about it, kid. You and me, hittin' the open road, spreadin' terror and chaos! Hey! Maybe we could see Mt. Rushmore, hmm?

Taylor:
Yeah, I guess, but she seems, pretty cool.

'Loki:
Cool? Who's cool?

Taylor:
Juniper.

Loki:
Whoa! Hold the phone, what did you just say cool? COOL?! ARE YOU OFF YOUR NUT?!

Taylor:
Look, dad, I'm just saying that-

Loki:
That you've got a "thing" for the chick, who banished your father to the Netherworld?! I am so glad your mother's not around to hear you say that!

Taylor:
'Cause you banished her!

Loki:
And I will banish you, too, young man if you don't watch your mouth! I am the one who brought you into the third-dimension, and I can take you out!

Taylor:
Right! Like you did to Uncle Teddy, Aunt Gloria, the pizza guy!

Loki:
When I order a half-veggie, half-pepperoni pan pizza, I expect to get a half-veggie, half-pepperoni pan pizza! Okay we have one mission to accomplish in Orchid Bay city. One, and you will not be distracted by some superhero in a bellyshirt! Do you understand me, mister!? Do you?!

Taylor:
[reluctantly] Yes, sir.

Taylor:
So uh, how come you're holding back?

Juniper:
What are you talking about?

Taylor:
Oh, looks like you're letting that girl win.

Juniper:
[nervously] No I'm not, besides this whole fitness competition's kind of lame anyway, who cares right?

Taylor:
[sarcastically] Right, [not sarcastically] it's just that, um, well you're way better than anybody else around here. Especially those girls...

Juniper:
You think? [smiles at him]

Taylor:
Oh, yeah! Seems kind of wrong to let them represent our school in the finals, it'd be nice if we had somebody, you know, someone who's a better "rson. (looks at June)

Gym Teacher:
JUNIPER LEE! Second and final kick!

Juniper:
Oh, gotta go!

Juniper:
Ophelia, you're not even trying.

Ophelia:
Duh.

Juniper:
You're gonna let Mellisa O'Malley and her evil minions beat us?

Ophelia:
Wait, wait, wait. You wanna win this thing purely out of spite?

Juniper:
Yeah.

Ophelia:
Works for me. [starts doing faster pull-ups]

Juniper:
[laughing] You actually saw Melissa putting on lip gloss during the 50-yard dash?

Taylor:
[also laughing] And, in the middle of her long jump!

[Both laugh harder]

Monroe:
Pardon me lass, but wouldn't actually be trying to win this thing, would ya?!

Juniper:
And what if I am?

Monroe:
Have you completely lost your senses?! You're the Te Xuan Ze for pity's sake! Not only is that an unfair advantage, but you're attracting too much attention.

Juniper:
Oh please, I am totally working under the radar here. Bit by bit I am carefully, carefully, edging out the competition.

Jody:
June! You just did 173 pull-ups! That's a new international record!

Monroe:
You're beating everyone like rugs, knock it off!

Juniper:
Fine! Buzz kill.

Taylor:
June.

Juniper:
Oh, uh, hey Taylor!

Taylor:
Ready to kick butt out there?

Juniper:
I don't know, a lot of these kids here seem pretty good.

Taylor:
[shows her the charm necklace] Maybe, this'll bring you some extra luck.

Juniper:
Wow, that's so nice of you! [sees Marcus watching them] But sorry I can't, I'm uh, allergic to silver! Yeah, I get hives! Big nasty hives! (Taylor looks at her up and down)

Taylor:
This is made of brass.

Juniper:
Oh, uh, brass even worse! I get the hives plus you know, uh blindness! But um, uh thanks though, really.

Loki:
[appears beside Taylor] What is taking so long? [takes a bite out of a taco]

Taylor:
She wouldn't take the charm.

Loki:
[he spits out his food after hearing this] I knew it! I knew it! You came on too strong and blew it, didn't you?!

Taylor:
Dad, dad, chill okay? I'm not through yet. [cut to award table, Taylor enchants the medals using the charm]

Loki:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Loki appears beside Taylor as a floating head] Don't enchant ALL of the medals, okay? I'll be up to my neck in brats I am not running a day care center down here!

Taylor:
The charm only transports "magical" beings, dad! Remember?! Duh! [he walks away]

Loki:
Duh?! You will watch your tone with me kiddo, I did not raise-! [gets hit with a volley ball] Hey, I am floating here!

Juniper:
What does a girl have to lose around here?

Taylor:
[after June didn't win a medal that will transport her to the underworld] I am SO gonna get banished for this.

Loki:
[laughing] Well, well, well. Looks like my little boy's brought a friend home for dinner! Bring her to me, now!

Taylor:
Dad, listen, maybe there's another way.

Loki:
Taylor Valhalla Evermore, did you just say what I think you said?!

Taylor:
Seriously, dad she's smart, she's funny, she plays guitar, she's totally wicked on a skateboard! ...I like her.

Loki:
[under his breath] Of all the stupid, excuse me, do you not want to rule the world?! Hmm? Everyone who wants to rule the world raise your hand! Mine's up! [threatening Taylor] What about yours?

Taylor:
Go ahead, ground me for all I care! It's not like I ever do anything! Or have any friends! Nobody wants to hang out with you when your dad's the creepy, Dark-Lord of Deception! [mockingly] Ooh, I'm the evil tyrant of the underworld, and I'm so bad, I breathe fire, and I have the body of a snake, ooh fear me, ooh. [Loki hits Taylor with a lightning bolt] AUGH! Uh...

Loki:
Yes son, snake body and lightning that shoots from my hand.

Taylor:
[shoots a lightning bolt at Loki] Leave her alone!!!

Juniper:
[starts to wake up] Uh, Taylor? [sees him shooting lightning bolts, thinking they're aimed at her] Oh, Marcus was right about you! [comes at Taylor, intending to punch him]

Taylor:
It's not what you think! [dodges Juniper's blow] Please June, stop. [dodges yet another blow] You gotta let me explain!

Juniper:
Oh sure, go ahead, tell me the whole sad story while I'm plastering you all over this cave like wallpaper!

Loki:
Don't let her trash talk ya like that! Get her, son!

Juniper:
Loki? You're Loki's son?

Taylor:
Kind of.

Juniper:
Kind of? So you're not the spawn of captain evil over here?

Taylor:
Well I...

Juniper:
You haven't kidnapped me and popped me down to the underworld?

Taylor:
Yes, but I...

Juniper:
Or was just throwing lightning volts at me, and acting all nice like you liked me trying to give me presents? (Loki is getting bored of listening to them and starts opening and closing his hand like a mouth) No, you're just the son of the big honking demon god of lies!

Loki:
Oh, enough already!

Loki:
[getting out of his cage] Ahh, never send a boy to do a man's job.

Juniper:
Yeah, you're right. [gets ready to fight] Ya shoulda sent a girl.

Loki:
[after Taylor locks him up in the cage] Taylor, son, I know I haven't always been the best of fathers but I'm ready to change all that. I want us to be closer, buddies, pals, amigos. Hey I know, whaddya say we go outside, throw the football around for awhile, maybe cook up some burgers!

Taylor:
Give it up, old man. [breaks the cage's chains, on the way down to the void he says goodbye] See ya, June.

Loki:
That does it! No television for a century mister!!! [falls into the void]

Jody:
Hey June, did you see where Taylor went after the meet? He just kind of, disappeared.

Juniper:
Um, yeah, he had to go out of town. I think his dad got... transfered.

Ophelia:
Wow, that was fast.

Marcus:
Not fast enough, that guy was evil.

Juniper:
Yeah well, maybe not entirely.

Jody:
He was really cute!

Juniper:
[laughing] Yeah, so cute!

Ophelia:
Major cute!

Juniper:
Crazy cute! [sees Marcus wilt at this]..But, you're way cuter! (Both smile, then realize what June just said [pause] Okay, gotta go!

Marcus:
Yeah, me too! [Both look back at each other and disappear off-screen at the same time]

Loki:
And from now on we're going to have some ground rules! Because as long as long as you're living under MY roof, you are going to do as I say!

Taylor:
I'm not under your roof dad, I'm on top of it! [jumps off the cage and starts to do the backstroke away from it]

Loki:
Where do you think you're going?! Hey, don't you float away from me, mister man! We are not done talking yet! Void or no void, you've got a curfew! [Taylor kicks his legs with his hands behind his head away from the cage] Have your butt home by eleven!

Jody:
[walks by] Hey Dennis!

Dennis:
[leans on the grill and tries to look cool] Hey. [the burgers on the grill topple over and land on Roger, seagulls peck at his face]

Roger:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Monroe:
[after seeing Ophelia protest] She's not making a lick of sense.

Ray Ray:
Who cares?! It's buying us time, isn't it?!

Jody:
[on the computer] I can't find anything on burping snails....They must be really rare!

Juniper:
All the people in Orchid Bay city will drown.

King Agatorius:
We all have to make sacrifices. [Juniper starts to take the triton away from him, when he won't give it up, they start to fight]...Wait, what am I doing? I have people for this. [whistles in a hench-monster]

Juniper:
What the heck is a Burping Snail?

Monroe:
Don't ask.

Barbara:
Dennis, put that away, we didn't come camping with Roger's parents just so you could play video games the whole time.

Dennis:
Mo-om! Nature doesn't have 12 levels of flesh-eating zombies! Eugh! ...such a waste of space. Right here could be a mini-mall... or at least a taco stand. (a squirrel throws it's plaything at him) Ow! Oh man!

Dennis:
(eating dried food) This tastes like feet.

Barbara:
Oh, stop complaining.

Mrs. Radcliffe:
I didn't really like that store-bought dried food, so I made my own. (puts water on trays, a huge turkey dinner appears from it) I just hope the stuffing isn't too dry.

Dennis:
Whoa. (starts to go over, Barbara stops him)

Barbara:
Don't even think about it. Just go get some firewood, we'll roast hotdogs.

Roger:
Y'know what the best part of campin', I mean, besides covering yourself in mud?

Ray Ray:
Augh, can't imagine what's better!

Roger:
(whispering) Goin' to the bathroom... OUTSIDE.

Ray Ray:
...I stand corrected!

Roger:
Oh yeah, nothing says nature like going outside! Nature's big gigantic restroom! (both laughing)

Juniper:
(lands next to Monroe)...What are they doing?

Monroe:
They're running for president, what does it look like they're doing!? (Roger and Ray Ray are playing in the mud and fill their pants with more)

Juniper:
Oh...(laughing) Ray Ray, get over here! (giggling) Oh boy, mom's gonna kill ya.

Ray Ray:
What? Old ladies pay a hundred bucks a pop for the mud-bath-thingies. And I can't blame 'em! I feel AWESOME! It's good for the skin, it's good for the pores, it's GREAT for the arm-pits! Smell my pits. Go on. It's like a babblin' brook in there, right?

Monroe:
Don't point that at me.

Dennis:
(gathering firewood) I'll bet that turkey doesn't taste like feet. (a shadow comes over him, he sees it's a sasquatch, it roars) AHHHHHHHH!!!! (cut to their campsite)

Michael:
There it is again.

Mr. Radcliffe:
No, it's a different animal, but no less cowardly. (Dennis comes running and screaming out of the woods, and jumps into Mr. Radcliffe's arms)

Michael:
Dennis! Son! What's wrong?

Mr. Radcliffe:
(starts breathing in and out) Deep breaths kiddo, c'mon, and try to maintain bladder control.

Michael:
Son what are you screaming about? (Dennis points to the bigfoot and screams, Michael and Mr. Radcliffe scream too)

Ray Ray:
(about his trunks) Seriously, it's like a landfill in here! ...I'm gonna take 'em off. (screaming is heard as he is about to) Alright! I won't take 'em off! Geesh!

Bigfoot:
Um... Richie we got some people out here with Chief Business.

Richie:
Okay, but I'm not the Chief.

Bigfoot:
Sure you are dude that's what the sign says.

Richie:
What sign? Wow! Holly Mac role I'm the chief! When did this happen?

Bigfoot:
When did what happen

Richie:
When was I elected Chief

Bigfoot:
You're the Chief? Hey congratulations man, that's great!

Richie:
What's great?

Bigfoot:
Sorry?

Juniper:
Look one of your tribesmen took off with my parents

Richie:
Somebody should tell the Chief.

Juniper:
You're the Chief!

Bigfoot:
You're the Chief? Hey, congratulations man, that's great!

Richie:
What's great? (Monroe blasts them with a wand)

Juniper:
Monroe!

Monroe:
Sorry lass, they're just driving me bonkers.

Bigfoot:
What's great is you're the chief!

Richie:
I'm the chief?

Bigfoot:
You're the chief? Hey congratulations man, that's great! (Ray Ray blasts them with the wand)

Juniper:
Monroe!

Ray Ray:
Sorry, that was me.

Lila:
(about movies) And why do they always gotta blow everything up?!

Lila:
I'm not really magical I'm just a dumb animal, and all animals can see magical beings.

Charlie Paulsen:
Everybody comfy?

Dennis:
(hanging upside down) No.

Monroe:
Lad, what are you doing?!

Ray Ray:
(carrying some baby lion cubs) I'm savin' the kittens!

Lila:
(happy) Oh, look at me.

Monroe:
(to Ray Ray) You like the Bigfoot girl, don't you?

Lila:
You ever dress 50 sasquatches who haven't bathed for a whole winter? It's not exactly a picnic.

Lila:
We better hurry though, it's gonna drop like, 20 degrees when the sun goes down, and I don't think your parents are dressed for it.

Ray Ray:
Ya sure ya wanna do this, Lila?

Lila:
Yeah, I've never been more sure of anything in my whole life.

Juniper:
Okay well, this is an exfoliax charm, it'll get rid of all the uh...extra hair.

Monroe:
Alright, all ready. (performs the spell, everybody looks surprised)

Lila:
How do I look?

Juniper:
(hands Lila a mirror) See for yourself. (Lila gasps at what she sees)

Lila:
I'm...

Ray Ray:
Beautiful.

Monroe:
Aye, she is.

Ray Ray:
...She gonna be okay?

Juniper:
And because you love her. (She and Monroe laugh)

Ray Ray:
SHUT-UP DORKO! SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP!

Juniper:
Oh come on, it's cute.

June:
(smugly to Ray Ray, after he shows Lila how to ride a bike) Well, aren't you the little gentleman.

Ray Ray:
(mildly) Shut up.

Ray Ray:
(about Melissa) Yeah, if you were drowning she'd throw ya a bucket of water! Well actually no, first she'd throw ya a bucket of spit, then a bucket of water!

June:
(to Thor about destroying her school) You can't!

Thor:
Sure I can.

Hammerette #1:
No sweetie, I think when she says "you can't" it means she'd rather you not.

Thor:
You're scuffing the locks.

Jody:
(on a campaign video created by Melissa) Why is everybody in this school-so- ugly- short- and stupid! (the classroom boo's at her)

Roger:
(to Jody) Hey, who you callin' short!?

Melissa:
(on campaign video) Jody Irwin, loves homework, hates you. Vote Melissa O'Malley, class president!

June:
(looking for Jody, who ran out of the classroom after Melissa bad mouthed her) Jody?! (finds her crying under a tree) Oh, Jody, Melissa was wrong to do that.

Jody:
I'll never win the election now!

June:
Sure you will.

Jody:
No! The only way I'd win now is if I had... (June's bracelet starts to glow, she sees dark clouds forming near her school, she gets more nervous as Jody talks) ...somebody to campaign. They didn't have to be popular, but still known to the public. I'd need somebody who's smart, good at politics, and somewhat cool. (looks at June) June! Why don't you run for class president? It'll be fun, we could beat Melissa O'Malley!

Jody:
...And I'll be your manager!

June:
Jody I-

Jody:
I'm not leaving 'till you say yes! (the clouds get bigger)

June:
Okay! (she runs toward them)

Jody:
Perfect! Now, I'll just need a speech.

Kid #2:
My locker sticks every now and then, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only kid who deals with this. How would you help me solve this problem?

June:
Well, you could try some oil, that's what my locker needed.

Kid #1:
Melissa, how do you respond?

Melissa:
I don't think we just need to temporarily repair one locker, I think we need a whole new set of stick-proof lockers for us and generations to come! And she has ugly shoes. (the crowd laughs)

June:
What? But I had gym today, I couldn't wear the cute ones!

Jody:
She's getting eaten alive out there, switch to plan B! (they signal her to switch plans)

June:
Ok, I know you guys are ready to vote for your next president, question is though, are you ready...(swipes into a KISS costume) TO ROCK?! (smoke covers the stage, Melissa gasps as June starts playing guitar and Ray Ray and Dennis, also dressed up as KISS, come up behind her onstage)

Thor:
(looking at the zoo brochure) Ooh, they've got llamas! I loves me some llamas!

Thor:
Anybody who's bored, raise your hand. (he and all the Hammerettes raise their hands) It's official, welcome to Boresville, population: Us.

June:
Uh Jody, I have to go to the bathroom.

Jody:
But you're just about to give your speech!

June:
Yeah but, when you gotta go...

Jody:
Okay, make it quick. (June runs off, Jody calls after her) And no handwashing! Hygiene will have to wait!

Ophelia:
(giving June's speech) Isn't it time we show Melissa just how SICK OF IT we are?!

June:
(to Ophelia) Relax, you'll be drunk with power in no time.

Ophelia:
This couldn't get any worse.

Roger:
Hey uh, if you're lookin' for a first lady, I'm your guy.

Ophelia:
And there it goes.

Juniper:
Lila, don't worry about it. My friends are some of the nicest kids you'll ever meet.

Jody:
I hate everyone and everything!!

Lila:
Look if I go now, nobody'll notice.

Juniper:
Lila, calm down, everything's going to be okay. (Jody sticks her head out the door)

Jody:
Run! Don't look back! Save yourselves! (Rachel pushes her away and opens the door)

Rachel:
Move it maggots! Move, move, move!

Rachel:
(sweetly) Slumber party, who doesn't love a good slumber party? (gets angry) ME that's who! Especially since I got put on dweeb duty! So nobody bother me or else! (gets in Lila's face) Got it?! (Lila growls at her, Rachel backs off)...Right.

Ophelia:
Please tell me you can teach me that.

Lila:
Number one rule when living in the woods, bad smell; no go.

Juniper:
Well, we're not in the woods anymore.

Lila:
(she sniffs the monster) But he smells really funky. (June sniffs him too)

Juniper:
Okay, so he's not exactly a walking air freshener, that's still not a good reason to leave him --

Lila:
No, I'm mean bad smell, as in up-to-no-good smell.

Juniper:
That's a lot of lipstick for a dog.

Monroe:
Well, sometimes I like to feel pretty!

Ophelia:
Gee, when did I get invited to Dorkville?

[Jody and Lila running in a hallway]

Lila:
Jody, wait! I'm not done!

Jody:
You said I was dried and got that was June! You totally to hangout with is more often. [she opens the door of the bathroom, Ray Ray and Monroe having makeup]

Ray-Ray:
Personally, I like to use a little liner. Helps give you illusion of fuller thicker lips.

[Jody, Lila, Roger, and Ophelia sees Ray-Ray and Monroe in the bathroom]

Ray-Ray:
Ugh! This totally what is looks like. We're...we're...[snoring]

Jody:
June, what's your brother doing here with your dog?

Ray-Ray:
[he wakes] I was just kinda explain and sometimes a my Mo-mo what else walking except you. We can exactly haven't...boopin' all over the house, right?

Ophelia:
Yeah, but that really does an explain the make-up.

Juniper:
Um, sorry, guys. Come on, Monroe. And let mommy take you for a walkie.

Kai Yee:
Old woman, you are not worthy of such an honor. You do not deserve the title, "protector".

Ah-Mah:
Neither do you!

Ah-Mah:
June, I forgot my staff, could you please go get it for me?

Juniper:
Yeah. (runs to get it)

Ah-Mah:
Monroe.

Monroe:
Right. (traps June behind fireplace)

Ray Ray:
I mean, did you even SEE how much soda I drank today? (Monroe looks over and sees a huge pile of soda cans)

Monroe:
Alright lad, (opens the chimney up) but I'm going to need your word as a gentlemen to... (Ray Ray comes out quickly and traps Monroe, then goes over to where June's trapped)

Ray Ray:
Hang on sis, I'll have ya outta there before ya can say dragon boogers! (cut to June inside)

Juniper:
Ray Ray? (cut back, Ray Ray lets her out) You rule Ray Ray!

Ah-Mah:
He is so determined, so full of potential, so much...like you.

Juniper:
You think I'm like him?

Ah-Mah:
I don't know.

Ah-Mah:
There is no greater champion than that child! On the best day of your life, you can only hope to be half the champion she is!

Kai Yee:
Amusing... seeing as how today is my best day.

Juniper:
(making fun of Kai Yee after she hit him) Hey, you ok? That look like it hurt.

Juniper:
(making Kai Yee hit himself with a chain) Why are you hitting yourself?! Why?! Why?!

(June stops Kai Yee from destroying the Orb of Elders)

Kai Yee:
It does not have to be this way! We could put an end to this, you and I. We could rule the world, together! (June pauses to to look away)

Juniper:
Thanks, I'll pass. (hits him)

Ah-Mah:
(to Juniper) You will be the best of us. You are a great Te Xuan Ze.

Juniper:
So were you Ah-Mah, so were you.

Dennis:
...and I know you're gonna freak out but just stay with me, OK. (takes a deep breath) Magic, is real.

Juniper:
...Wow. Figure that out all by yourself?

Dennis:
Get ahold of yourself!

Juniper:
I'm fine Dennis, you on the other hand, know too much.

Dennis:
What? (Monroe throws Goblin Dust on him, he coughs) Did the dog just throw powder on me?!

Monroe:
Uh-oh.

Juniper and Ray Ray:
What?

Monroe:
Apparently we've Goblin Dusted 'im so much he's developed an immunity to it.

Juniper:
He knows but, only enough to get himself killed out there. He needs to know.

Dennis:
(about to go on a "world-saving mission") Farewell sister, for I may not return. (leaves, June chases after him)

Juniper:
Dennis, wait! I've gotta tell you something!

Monroe:
Lass, no! Ya can't tell 'em the truth!

Monroe:
10 bucks says he freaks out.

Ray Ray:
You're on.

Dennis:
And all that magic stuff Ah-Mah gives you, it's real?

Boomfist:
With the powers of H.A.T.E., the villains of L.O.V.E. don't stand a chance!

Monroe:
(upon seeing Ray Ray with Boomfist) Can it really be?

Juniper:
It's not possible.

Dennis:
Whoa. Why ya talkin' to the dog?

Juniper:
Besides, tights make my butt look big.

Boomfist:
Duh, whaddya think the cape's for?

Juniper:
(gloating to H.A.T.E.) What's that you always say Boomfist?

Boomfist:
(Solemnly) There's nothing you can't work out when you set your mind to it...(Smirking)...And decide to cheat."

Monroe:
Actually lass, he's absolutely right.

Juniper:
But the magic he learns isn't real.

Monroe:
Actually, a lot of the magic Dennis and his friends practice is based on real magical spells. He may even know more magic than YOU.

Monroe:
It took a little work, but I managed dig up an Amnesian Stone. If used properly, it can wipe out the last 24 hours of Dennis' memory. ...Should I uh, give 'er a rub?

Juniper:
Mmm.... (glances at Dennis talking with Ray Ray) ...Nah. We couldn't have won today without Dennis. And... I know he can be a real pain but, well, it turns out he's pretty good at this. Heh. Who knew?

Monroe:
(smiling) Guess it runs in the family.

Juniper:
Yeah. ....Who knows, maybe he'll even be fun to have around...

Dennis:
(offscreen) Hey June, what's this do? (she gets hit with a magical blast, burning her hair) Oh man! June! You should really label these things, June, sheesh.

Juniper:
(to Monroe) But hang on to the stone. Just in case.

(Ah-Mah just been turned about 40 years younger)

Ah-Mah:
Why this doesn't happen when I have a date, I'll never know.

Juniper:
(same time with Ray Ray) Oh Ah-Mah!

Ray Ray:
(same time with June) Aaaugh! Don't say that!!!

Monroe:
Your Grandmother was forced to stay an extra 30 years when the mantle of Te Xuan Ze skipped your father. She had to remain in Orchid Bay 3 extra decades for Juniper, she spent her whole life here. If anyone ever had the right to complain it's her.

Michael:
Meng Mei and Jin, I don't know that part of the family.

Ah-Mah:
Imagine that.

Ah-Mah:
(after being turned younger) What's everybody staring at?

Ray Ray:
Whoa, Ah-Mah, you look hot.

Juniper and Monroe:
Eww!

Ray Ray:
What? I can't say my own grandmother looks hot?

Juniper and Monroe:
NO!

Ah-Mah:
(giggles) Of course you can sweetie, your Ah-Mah could never get tired of hearing it.

June:
(to Ah-Mah) Good thing we're the same size now.

Michael:
(heard upstairs) Kids, is your grandmother up there? Her purse is down here. Mom?

Ray Ray:
Quick! Hide under here! (June and Ray Ray run her over to the bed, it's full of junk) No, in there! (they run her over to the closet, junk spills onto the floor)

Juniper:
Ray Ray!

Ray Ray:
Well whaddaya want for 5 bucks?! (Michael comes in)

Michael:
Mom! Are you in? Oh! Who's this?

Ray Ray:
Uh, this is... our cousin! Yeah! Cousin... Roxanne! From Hong Kong. She's in town for a few days and Ah-mah thought she'd like to stay with us.

Michael:
That's, wonderful! Roxanne, so great to meet you! So, uhm, who are you related to?

Jasmine:
Uh- uh, I, I'm uh-I am a... I'm a Dwan! Ming-Mei and Jin's daughter.

Michael:
Huh, (mumbled) Ming-Mei and Jin... ...Huh. Well I don't know that part of the family.

Jasmine:
Imagine that.

Ray Ray:
Phew! No need to thank me! (smugly) ...Cousin Roxanne. Hhhhigh-five!

Ah-Mah:
Ray Ray, why didn't you just say I was a friend from school! Now I gave to sleep here! And what kinda name is Roxanne?!

Ray Ray:
A cool name! Like a Vegas show-girl, or, or a one who drives a trucker! We could call ya Roxie! (Micheal appears out of the doorway)

Michael:
Hey, I like that! So, aunt Barbara's gonna call the school in the morning, sooo (points at "Roxie") Roxie can go to class with you and see how the kids in the states have it! It's gonna be fun! (he leaves, June and Ah-Mah give Ray Ray a look)

Ray Ray:
...Five bucks I can get ya out of it. (Juniper slaps his shoulder) Ow! ... Two bucks. (sees June raise her hand again, runs off-screen)

Juniper:
(to Ah-Mah) Yeah well one of the downsides of being a kid, is that you have to go to school. (all of June's friends come up)

Roger:
Whoa, June, who's your new friend?

Ah-Mah:
(whispering to June) Oh yeah, this is gonna be a non-stop party.

Juniper:
Oh uh, hey guys, this is my cousin, Roxanne.

Roger:
Well, uh, any cousin of June's is a, uh... cousin of mine!

Ophelia:
(sarcastic) Smooth, Roge.

Jody:
(slowly but loudly) Welcome to America, my name is JODY, can you say JODY?

Teacher:
So Jasmine, why don't you tell us a little about China?

Ah-Mah:
I haven't been to China in 40 years! (the class stares at her, June gives her a look) I mean uh, for awhile, but I'm sure it hasn't changed since I left it.

Roxanne:
Any other questions?

Kid:
Do you know karate? (she sighs, annoyed)

Roxanne:
First of all, karate is JAPANESE, second of all why do people always ask Asians those same questions? First question, "What are you?", second question, "Do you know karate?". So, I'm Chinese, and yes, I know karate. And over 26 other styles of hand-to-hand combat! (jumps up and lands on desk in a combat position, June gives her a look) Uh, we learn it in gym class.

Teacher:
Now Roxanne, there's one question I like to ask all my students, what would you like to be when you grow up?

Ah-Mah:
A size 4! (laughs, June gives her a look, then she gets serious) I guess what I really wanted to do was become an archaeologist. Studying different cultures and people from all around the world.

Teacher:
Well, you've still got time Roxanne.

Ah-Mah:
It would appear so.

June:
(after she was turned back to normal) Ah-Mah, are you ok?

Ah-Mah:
I'm fine. Old again, but fine. (her pants rip, June giggles a little, Ah-Mah sighs) I knew I shoulda gone with the spandex.

Juniper:
Roger, go home!

Roger:
Not until I see Roxanne!

Juniper:
Roxanne went back to China!

Barbara:
He's got five minutes, then I'm turning on the sprinklers.

Roger:
Roxanne!!! (the sprinklers turn on, Roger slips and falls)

Ray Ray:
This... is Roger's knapsack!

Freddy:
Who? Th-Those bags were in that closet when I rented this joint.

Ray Ray:
This is Jody's! ..And Marcus's! Ophelia's! [gasps sadly]... This is June's knapsack... [Freddy cringes and is about to back out but is tripped over by Monroe]

Dennis:
Don't move! This is a banishment stone and I know how to use it! ... Mostly.

Ray Ray:
[to Monroe] See! All these text books have her name in 'em, an-and this is her soccer jersey, and... [finds June's family tree album] ...And this- is Juniper!

Monroe:
...Sweet Agnes McGee... [Sees June wearing her bracelet on the photo] ...It's true!

[Ray Ray jumps on Freddy's stomach and pulls him by his shirt collar]

Ray Ray:
Where's my sister.

Freddy:
Okay look! I had to get them dragon eggs back, I was sellin' em to these guys who was wayyy mad when I lost em- They was gonna break off my horns! I mean, I didn't mean...

[Ray Ray pulls him closer to his own face]

Freddy:
...It was an accident.

Juniper:
Ya wanna show these guys what happens when ya mess with the Lee's?

Ray Ray:
Oh yeah! [Both proceed to give a beat-down to the Time Wraiths]

Juniper:
Well, that explains how Cletus can stand these things.

Gus:
Not really, he'll eat anything. [Cletus takes a bite out of the couch]

Ray Ray:
Dude, you are so paying for that.

Juniper:
[to Ray Ray] Eat! Eat like the wind!

Monroe:
My, they certainly are industrious little old ladies, aren't they?

Eloise:
You bet your hairy butt we are.

Monroe:
[He makes a variety of weird gestures after being exposed to Tarabok Weed] Oh boy. [He starts growing in size, his shadow being cast over June and Ray Ray

Juniper and Ray Ray:
Sweet Mary MacGonagall!

Lex:
Our mission was a success!

[Empties bag expecting the Te Xuan Ze in it]

Lex:
The dog?? You captured the dog??? You were supposed to take the Te Xuan Ze!

Gorp:
Well I was, but he insisted on coming.

Lex:
Excuse me?

Monroe:
That's right, sign me up, I'm in! I'd like to join H.A.M..

Ophelia:
I need you to play the rest of the parts.

Roger:
I'll do it if I can be the raccoon!

Ophelia:
No.

Roger:
How about a scene with the raccoon?

Ophelia:
No.

Roger:
Can you at least introduce me to the raccoon?

Ophelia:
You wanna die?

Roger:
Watermelon! Get it while it's hot!

Ophelia:
Roger! I'm not gonna tell you again, stick to the script!

Roger:
Okay, okay, okay! But can I make stuff up?

Ophelia:
That's it, you're a mute.

Roger:
Cool! Does a mute get to sing? 'Cause I've been working on a little number.

Monroe:
Long long ago, before recorded history, magical creatures and humans lived together in our world. But as time went on, the two sides more and more at odds with each other. Eventually, the planet was thrown into war. So the magical elders, who guarded the realms, put a stop to it by sacrificing their physical forms. They became spirits and empowered three mystical touchstones. These stones give rise to the magical veil. It is a spell that makes all the world of magic invisible to humans. It was then that the world of magic and the world of humanity became separated forever. One human was given great power to hold it all in balance, and the only one with the power to destroy the orbs is the Te Xuan Ze.

Juniper:
I am but a hand, I am but a vessel, I am the stone that balances the worlds.