The Looney Tunes Show, Season 1

Daffy Duck:
I did it! I got us on tomorrow's episode of "Besties!"

Bugs Bunny:
How'd you managed that?

Daffy Duck:
There are some things you shouldn't know about me. But you better know everything else.

Bugs Bunny:
I'm more concerned with how little you know about me.

Daffy Duck:
I know everything about you. Hit me with some questions. Go ahead.

Bugs Bunny:
Alright, what's my favorite color?

Daffy Duck:
Pass.

Bugs Bunny:
What time do I go to bed at night?

Daffy Duck:
Pass. Give me something easy.

Bugs Bunny:
Fine. When's my birthday?

Daffy Duck:
January... February... Septem... December.... Jul... July! July 1st, July 2nd, July 3rd, July 4th. 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th!

Bugs Bunny:
27th.

Daffy Duck:
July 27th! Well happy extremely belated birthday, or happy extremely early birthday.

Daffy:
Bugs Bunny. Dumped. I've been there brother, you'll never get over it. Let me buy you some golf clubs! Waiter, bring this man your finest set of golf clubs, and charge it to 16-73!

Walter:
16-73? That's my membership number! [comes up to Daffy, angrily, and punches him in the face]

Daffy:
Sounds like she likes you you two going out again?

Bugs:
Chould you drop that thing on me again?

Lola:
Wait until you meet Pepe. He's the wedding planner for the R.O.G.O.O.O.C.C.

Bugs:
Can't you people just say country club?

Pepe:
Lola, mon cheri. [kisses her on both cheeks] And this must be the lucky groom. [gestures to Bugs and kisses him on both cheeks] Mmm. So lucky. So, so lucky. Your wedding day is the single most important day of your life. I should know, I've been married seven times. Now, I'm seeing an outdoor ceremony. You should feel the beauty of nature embracing you as you walk down the aisle. The smell of honeysuckle kissing your cheeks as you exchange your vows.

Bugs:
Ugh.

Pepe:
There won't be a dry-eye in the house.

Bugs:
I'll be crying harder than anyone.

[Bugs and Daffy getting their mug shots]

Guard:
Name?

Daffy:
Daffy Duck.

Guard:
Crime?

Daffy:
Contempt of court.

Guard:
Name?

Bugs:
Bugs Bunny.

Guard:
Crime?

Bugs:
Well, some might say being too good looking. [Bugs poses as he would for a magazine cover while hip music plays] Nah, I'm just kidding. Contempt of court.

Daffy:
Can you keep it down?! I'm trying to sleep!

Bugs:
Well, I'm trying to read, and it's not easy with you tossing and turning.

Daffy:
You think I like having to share a bed with you?

Bugs:
At least in prison we weren't chained together. We had a whole cell to enjoy. Oh, cell block #5!

Daffy:
Well, you're no picnic, either! You think I enjoy listening to you wax nostalgic about your time in jail? Ha! And by the way, a prison nickname doesn't count, if you give it to yourself, dynamite!

Bugs:
You better watch it, Duck, because the fuse just got lit! [flexes his arm with a dynamite stick tattoo; Daffy spits his hand and wipes the tattoo off; gasps] How dare you! No one, and I mean no one, would do something that rude in prison! Now good night, Leopold.

Daffy:
Good night, Randy.

Daffy Duck:
What have I always say: don’t involve in your neighbor’s business. Before you know it, their business is your business.

Daffy Duck:
You we’re the President of New Mexico?!

Bugs:
You think I should let that one slide? Yeah! Me neither!

Yosemite Sam:
Are you tryin' to make me look like a fool?!

Bugs Bunny:
You don't need me to make you look like a fool.

Yosemite Sam:
You're darn right, I don't!

Daffy Duck:
Did you just call me a "no rooster?"

Foghorn Leghorn:
What are you gonna do about it, huh, son? I say, what are you gonna do about it?

[Daffy viciously punches Foghorn in the face]

Tina Russo:
[Deadpan] Can I help you?

Daffy Duck:
Daffy Duck. I’m here to pick up my business cards.

[Tina gets a box of business cards with Daffy’s name and the word wizard]

Bugs Bunny [realizing what he just did]:
What just happened?

Porky Pig:
I really need to get a girlfriend.

[In a hostage like situation]

Bugs Bunny:
[while aiming a pen on Porky's face] I JUST WANT MY SPARGLE!!!!!!

Daffy Duck:
[draws out the stapler] Put down the pen!

Bugs Bunny:
Put down the stapler or I'll write over the pig's face!!!

Porky Pig:
Why does everyone want to write over my face?

Bugs Bunny:
[hysterically] Just give me my Spargle!

Daffy Duck:
Put down the pen!!!

Porky Pig:
That's permanent ink!!!

Bugs Bunny:
[more hysterically] I said give me my Spargle!!

Daffy Duck:
PUT IT DOWN!!!

Porky Pig:
P--Permanent!!!

Bugs Bunny:
I'M NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL YOU GIVE ME MY SPARGLE!!!''

Daffy Duck:
I SAID "PUT IT DOWN!!!"

Porky Pig:
I--It won't come off!

Yosemite Sam:
[whistles that stops the commotion] This is a place of business. This are hardworking people who simply want to sell a quality product. What in tarnation is illegal about that?

[FBI agents arrive]

FBI Lead Agent:
You're all under arrest.

[All staff make a run for it]

Yosemite Sam:
What's going on here?

FBI Lead Agent:
This whole operation's a scam. These things were filled with dangerous highly addictive chemicals.

Bugs Bunny:
But what about the spargler berries!? [starts crying]

FBI Lead Agent:
Somebody get that guy to a doctor.

[The FBI agents wrapped a blanket over Bugs and send him to the hospital]

Yosemite Sam:
Am I under arrest? I'm just an innocent sales representative.

FBI Lead Agent:
Well, that all depends. Did you know you were selling a dangerous product?

[The FBI Agents starts chasing a naked Yosemite Sam through the hallways]

Daffy Duck:
Thanks for helping out, I'll take it from here.

FBI Lead Agent:
Who are you?

Daffy Duck:
Steve St. James, Off Duty Cop.

FBI Lead Agent:
Arrest this one too.

[An FBI Agent handcuffs Daffy]

Daffy Duck:
What did I do?

FBI Lead Agent:
You've been impersonating a cop and handcuffing people all over town.

Daffy Duck:
What about him? He's been impersonating a chauffeur.

FBI Lead Agent:
That's not illegal. It's pathetic, but it's not illegal. Get this guy outta my face. [The FBI Agent walks away with Daffy] I'm putting you down as a witness, so I'm gonna need your name too.

Porky Pig:
B--Brandon Steel.

FBI Lead Agent:
I'm just gonna put "chauffeur".

[Porky sighs]

Daffy:
Hey, Speedy, Porky finally got a girlfriend.

Speedy:
Ooh, good for you, pinky. I thought you were gonna be one of those "always-leaves-alone" guys, who just gets more and more desperate until he alienates the few friends that he has, and then he's just alone. So, what a relief for you. Now when can we meet this new girlfriend?

Porky:
Ugh. I don't have a girlfriend.

Speedy:
Well, stay in the game, pinky. But, maybe you should think about growing a beard. You got so much…face.

Daffy:
That was your exciting news, because you don't have a girlfriend?

Porky:
No. I got us playoff tickets.

Bugs:
What? How did you get tickets? They've been sold out for weeks!

Porky:
My uncle works at the league office.

Bugs:
Porky, I can't believe we're going to the playoffs!

Porky:
I'm picking up the tickets this afternoon.

Daffy:
My friendship with Porky is over!

Bugs:
What?

Daffy:
He ate my french fries!

Bugs:
What french fries?

Daffy:
The ones that came with my sandwich!

Bugs:
He probably thought they were for the table.

Daffy:
There were not for the table! They were my fries! They came with my sandwich!

Bugs Bunny:
[crazed like] I got the shelf up!

Sylvester:
What's wrong with me? I can't do anything but think about that red dot!

Daffy:
The butter is hard! Porky: What? Daffu: I said the butter is hard because somebody failed to lef it soften before serving dinner Porky: I'm sorry i just got so busy with the creme brulee-- Daffy: But you're not too busy to make excuses! Porky: Ow! That hurt! Daffy: I bet it hurt because it's hard! Daffy: Are those store-bough rolls? Porky: Ow! Daffy: Of course you're saying "OW!" They're like rocks