The Mighty Boosh, Series 3

Eleanor:
I'm a woman in the prime of her life who needs love-squeezins!

Eleanor:
(after shooting the Hitcher) Howard, my sweet love nipple, let's get away from here! I have a love shack in Acapulco and you can mess me up fun time!

Howard:
The tweed utility patch: scuffproof, weatherproof, even bulletproof, sir.

The Hitcher:
Are you bulletproof, boy?

Howard:
... Don't know sir.

The Hitcher:
You enjoy that boy? Cockney urine all over your face?

Howard:
What are you angry about?

Vince:
Government.

Howard:
Government? Ooohh.

Vince:
And climate change.

Howard:
Climate change?

Vince:
It's getting hot, Howard. Haven't you noticed?

Howard:
Why do you care about that? Because it makes your hair a little more difficult to straighten?

Vince:
That, and it's a bit clammy.

Vince:
I don't pick stuff up, I knock stuff down!

Howard:
Come on then, let's have it. Every day you're late and every day another crazy excuse. What is it this time? Lego avalanche trapped you, did it? Your pajamas turned into nitrogen and you got stuck on the ceiling of your bedroom? Giant kingfisher came into your room and pecked you under the duvet? Got your jodphurs caught on a magic hedgehog? I write them down, you know. What is it? A scarecrow took you to Paris?

Vince:
I just had a few things to do, that's all.

Howard:
That's not funny. That's not even going in the book. That's awful.

Vince:
Not everything has to be funny you know... sometimes life can take a serious turn, colours can fade to black.

Howard:
Have you got my script?

Vince:
All he needs now is a tall northern jazzy freak with a moustache and no dress sense.

Howard:
Is this how you win people over?

Vince:
Ah, look, I can't express myself like you! I haven't got a pencil case story! He's tryin' to drive a wedge between us, Howard! We've got history! We're like ying and yang!

Howard:
Yeah, well, I'm not gonna take him up on his offer, you know. I don't need him. I've already got a shallow mate who dresses like a... futuristic prostitute.

Vince:
[smiles] Thanks, Howard.

Vince, Howard, Naboo and Bollo:

Tube Mouse, I love you so,

I took you from the underground,

And brought you home,

Put you in my jacket pocket,

And took you to the meeting,

Put you in my jacket pocket,

And took you to the meeting.

Howard:
I'm going to Jazzercise. Working out to hot be-bop. Circuit training to John Coltrane.

Dennis:
When it comes to drug-taking, I think you'll find that Kirk leaves us all in the dust!

Tony Harrison:
What's he looking at?

Dennis:
Nobody knows. Kirk is journeying far into the astral realm.

Tony Harrison:
He's off his tits!

Dennis:
Naboo, the time has come for your execution. It is not a task any of us wanted, and so to protect the identity of the executioner, he shall be wearing a hood.

[Cut to Tony Harrison, in a black executioner's mask, trying to get up the guillotine's steps]

Tony Harrison:
I can't get up these stairs! What is this bullshit!? I asked for a ramp!

Naboo:
[sarcastically] I wonder who that is!

Saboo:
Maybe we should have got someone with legs to do this!

Crack Fox:
"I'm gonna make you wear a little dress and hurt you"

Crack Fox:
"Imma done a tummy shame"

Crack Fox:
"Bludgeon my face in. Destroy me. Pull me apart like soft bread. Punch me in the...tits! Twist my head clean off and put me to sleep with your kind boots, Mr. Fancy Man."

Crack Fox:
[in reference to his diet] "Head and Shoulders...Toothpaste...and shit...biiiiiiiiig pieces of shit."

Tony Harrison:
I have ordered not one, not two, but three crates of poppers! We are having it large!

Dennis:
Where is Mrs. Harrison in all this?

Tony Harrison:
She's staying with her sister in Bournemouth. I just have to find a quiet spot, tell her I'm going to bed at half nine and carte blanche! I am greenlit the whole way! Woohoo! Aw, you are so under the thumb it's frightening!

Dennis:
At least I've got a thumb!

Dennis:
[believing Lester to have been with his wife] Prepare to die, you prancing tit! [he beheads Lester] And let that be a lesson to the lot of you!

Tony Harrison:
Dennis, you dinlo! What the f*** are you doing!? That's the wrong geezer!

Tony Harrison:
Feel my multi-hexagonal textured alien barbed penis inside of you!

Bob Fossil:
Hey, Moon, who are you? Zorro on Gay Night? [Howard says nothing.] Nice comeback.

Montgomery Flange:
Lesson 49: Object Animation. What do you see in front of you?

Howard Moon:
A pencil.

Montgomery Flange:
A pencil? No, no, no! Look, it's Niagara Falls, it's a seagull, it's cheese in the shape of a question mark! It's anything you bloody want it to be! You try!... Come on!

Howard Moon:
I don't know what to do. I can't make it into anything else. It's just a pencil, you stupid old git!

Montgomery Flange:
Yes! You've found the truth! You're an actor now and I'm as hard as the cobra!

Rudi:
[to a heckler] Shut your mouth, or I shall fly at you like a bag of cocks.

Vince:
And you will receive him like a satchel of vaginas. Tag team putdowns.

Vince:
[as a Russian woman] Last time you gave me pie, I cut into it with my tiny pie-cutter, and millions of birds flew out, hitting me in the eyes and the temples! I was confused! 'Twas a trick pie!

Howard:
Why you no like my pie?

Vince:
I just told you.

Howard:
Why you no like my pie?! AAAAHHHH!

Vince:
Why you bring me pie?!

Howard:
Why you no like?!

Vince:
Every day, fucking pastry goods with you!

Vince:
Howard Moon: Jazz Maverick, Novelist, Cyclist, Genre-Spanner, Rider of the Penny Farthing, Stamp Collector...

Howard:
[Introducing Vince] Vince Noir; Electro... Poof!

The Hitcher:
Two hundred years inside that box! For crimes against humanity! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I raped a dolphin. But technically it was a porpoise. But one blow-hole's the same as the next to me!

[Rudi and The Hitcher are swordfighting.]

Rudi:
You'll never win, you know.

The Hitcher:
Oh, yeah? Why's that?

Rudi:
I taught you everything you know

The Hitcher:
You might have taught me everything I know, but you didn't teach me everything you know.

Rudi:
... What does that mean?

The Hitcher:
Ah, fuck it. [they continue to fight]

Vince:
The forest is a cunt tonight.