The Nanny, Season 5

Mr. Sheffield:
Ms. Fine, I have to talk to you about our relationship and the way it seems to have escalated.

Fran:
Wait a minute, you said "our", "relationship" and "escalated" in the same sentence. Should I book a hall?

Mr. Sheffield:
Ooh. Ms. VERY Fine.

C. C.:
I just don't understand why Maxwell would ask Nanny Fine on a date! I should be going to Elton John's dinner, not her. I am the one with sophistication! I am the one with savvy! Why would he pick her over me?

Niles:
HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU!!

C.C.:
[In tears] Why?!!... What am I doing wrong?

Niles:
Well, for one thing, you've known him for 25 years or half your life and you don't even know the names of his children.

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh, Niles, do you think that Ms. Babcock's upset that I asked Nanny Fine out on a date?

Niles:
Oh, no sir.

Maxwell:
Well, I'd hate for her to think that I didn't like her.

Niles:
(innocently) Oh, wherever would she get that idea?

Maxwell:
Oh, I don't know. Maybe from SOME BIG FAT BUTLER SCREAMING IT IN HER FACE! (Niles clutches his heart, takes something out from his pocket, and puts it in his mouth) Oh, stop it, I know those are bloody Tic-Tacs!

Brighton:
Is it true back then people used to listen to their music on some sort of primitive large black vinyl disc?

Fran:
Only when we weren't enjoying our favorite pastime, child hurling.

C. C.:
Don't you see, Bobbi Flekman is an amalgamation of the two of us. She is everything he is searching for in a woman. (Points to herself) Beauty, brains, and (Points to Fran) a slut.

Fran:
Hey! You know, you may be onto something.

Fran:
Ms. Babcock, I have something to tell you that is going to be very hard for you to take.

C. C.:
[To Mr. Sheffield] YOU ASKED HER TO MARRY YOU, YOU SCUM?!! TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE I HAVE-

Mr. Sheffield:
C.C.!! C.C.!! Ms. Fine lost Chester in Central Park.

C.C.:
Phew! You scared the hell out of me.

Brian:
[On the phone, as an ice-cream truck drives by] Arianna, shut that damn window! I'm trying to demand a ransom here! Please! I can't take that horrible sound!

Fran:
[Overhearing] I'm sorry, sir, but this happens to be my natural voice!

Sylvia:
I can't believe [Niles] quit. It's so sad. I can still smell his chicken cacciatore. It's like when you lose a limb and swear it's still there.

Niles:
I've come back! Hide me please!

Fran:
What happened?

Niles:
I can handle the jacuzzis and giving the oil massages. I can even suck on a big toe the size of a Louisville Slugger but I do NOT... do windows.

Frieda:
NILESY!!

Niles:
Oh, God, Sasquatch!

Bellhop:
[To Mr. Sheffield] Can I have your last name, sir?

Fran:
Good luck. I've been waiting five years for it.

Chevy:
You have a beautiful face. Ever thought about acting?

Fran:
Are you deaf?

Niles:
All I wanted was a simple thank you. I suppose in order to get some attention around here, I have to hop up on your desk in my short skirt.

Mr. Sheffield:
Did you say "my"?

Niles:
I was putting myself in Ms. Fine's shoes.

Mr. Sheffield:
Well, you can't wear those wingtips with your skirt. Make you look stumpy.

Niles:
He who belts "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" in the shower should not throw stones. I assure you I am the most masculine one in this room... [Enter C.C.] ...until now.

Fran:
I was the most popular girl in school. It said so on all the bathroom walls.

Maggie:
How lucky is your grandmother getting married at her age. Do you know the odds of a woman over 35 finding a husband?

Sylvia:
1 in 1245.6

Fran:
Uh-huh. How much do you weigh, Ma?

Sylvia:
Who can remember numbers?

Fran:
Dr. Miller, I had the weirdest dream last night. Grandma Yetta was running down a football field carrying a bridal bouquet and Count Basie was waiting for her at the end zone when Miss Piggy comes walking by carrying a very lean corn beef sandwich and says: "You are not getting any younger."

Dr. Miller:
Clearly the dream indicates that you are bitter and upset over the fact that your 85-year-old grandmother is getting married for the second time when you haven't been married once.

Fran:
Really?! Now you see I just thought I had a thing for jazz and the Muppets. Duh!... I'm gonna stop obsessing on wanting to be married and follow my dream. From here on end, I'm gonna be a more interesting mature independent woman. Maybe then he'll propose.

Mr. Sheffield:
It's driving me crazy, her being out with some other man. I can share these feelings with you because I'm not in love with you.

Niles:
[Coyly] Nobody looks good at two in the morning.

C. C.:
Hello Steve, C.C. Babcock. I understand you're a professor. And you're going out with Nanny Fine. What's the matter, research wouldn't give you a chimp?

[Negotiating days off at work with Mr. Sheffield]

Niles:
I'll bring you back Cuban cigars.

Fran:
I'll send my mother to Cuba.

Niles:
I'll make you Baked Alaska.

Fran:
I'll send my mother to Alaska.

Mr. Sheffield:
In all fairness, Niles did ask me first.

Fran:
He's wearing your suit!

Niles:
She's wearing Ms. Gracie's skirt.

Fran:
And that's how I just won.

Niles:
I don't know what I was doing in that unholy alliance with Babcock.

Fran:
I know. It's like Yogi dumping Boo Boo for the Ranger.

Sylvia:
Since I started my diet, I went down an entire cup size.

Fran:
What cup size did you go down to, Ma? Stanley?

C. C.:
Maxwell, there's a horrifying glimpse of the future. A 250-pound apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Anticipating the arrival of a famous actress]

C. C.:
When she gets here, I don't want any screw-ups. [Starts sniffing]

Mr. Sheffield:
What are you doing?

C.C.:
I'm sniffing for Alberto VO 5, Top Ramen, anything that reeks of Nanny Fine.

Fran:
Are you implying that I cannot keep this thing a secret?

Mr. Sheffield:
C'mon, Ms. Fine, the only secret safe with you is your age. Barry Scheck and a whole barrel of sodium penthatol couldn't drag that out!

Niles:
[To C.C] In the risk of sounding like the doctor who delivered you, this could get ugly.

Mr. Sheffield:
[About Fran] Niles, I don't know what the woman wants anymore! What am I supposed to do?

Niles:
May I speak freely, sir?

Mr. Sheffield:
Yes, of course, old boy.

Niles:
[menacingly] I am so bloody sick of this, year after year, "Niles, what am I to do? I told her I loved her, I took it back, I'm afraid of commitment, I'm worried about the children!" [yelling, grabs Mr. Sheffield's shirt and shakes him] For God's sake, make a move! Do something! You passed on Cats, do you want to regret this for the rest of your life too?!

Mr. Sheffield:
Ah, good afternoon, Ms. Fine.

Fran:
Good afternoon, Mr. Sheffield. You know, the kids are at school, Niles is shopping. We could... do it.

Mr. Sheffield:
[Tentatively] All right. Hi... Fran.

Fran:
[Playfully] Hi, Max.

Mr. Sheffield:
Why can't a woman be more like a man?!

Niles:
[Enter C.C.] Well, there's your prototype.

Mr. Sheffield:
Niles, can you keep a secret?

Niles:
Well, I'm good until I meet another person.

Sylvia:
[Picking up the telephone] Yes?

Fran:
[Excitedly] I'm getting married!

Sylvia:
Sorry, Miss. You got the wrong number.

Niles:
How does it feel to wake up an engaged woman?

Fran:
You know how they say when you finally attain your dream, it's always a letdown?

Niles:
Mm-hmm.

Fran:
They were WRONG!

Singing Telegram:
[To C.C., sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle]

Fran and Maxwell are engaged

It looks like you're a loser

She'll be happy all her days

And you'll become a boozer.

Fran:
You know, sweetie, last night you didn't give me that little something that I'm used to getting from you every week.

Mr. Sheffield:
Well, Fran, since we got engaged, I didn't think I had to give it to you anymore.

Fran:
Wait a minute. I know what I'm talking about. What are you talking about?

Mr. Sheffield:
Your paycheck.

Fran:
Thank God. That's what I'm talking about too.

Sylvia:
You're his partner in life. You're the woman behind the man. Help him, support him, be there for him, never refuse him. You get me?

Fran:
Yeah, I get you. You're talking about dinner, right?

Sylvia:
What else is there?... Do you know where your father would be today if I hadn't pushed him?

Fran:
Not collecting disability?

Sylvia:
It's not natural. I never heard of such a thing. What man doesn't want to procrastinate with the woman he loves?

Fran:
Procreate, ma.

Sylvia:
Fran, I am telling you right now. If I don't get grandchildren out of him, I'll never step foot in this house again.

Fran:
Well, congratulations, Ma. You just invented the first foolproof male contraceptive.

Mr. Sheffield:
Fran wants to have a baby with me.

Niles:
What, you've forgotten how to do it?

Mr. Sheffield:
This is serious, Niles. I'm not sure I really want to go through that again. All the crying and the diapers and the waking up at 4am.

Niles:
Oh, sir, it's not so bad when you consider I DID ALL THAT! You know, come to think of it, you are too old to have a baby.

Mr. Sheffield:
I'm not that old.

Niles:
You have three children already. Why can't Ms. Fine be happy with that?

Mr. Sheffield:
Because they're not... ours. Having a baby is one of those things that bond a couple together.

Niles:
Mmm. That's why we're so close.

Mr. Sheffield:
What proof do we have this woman and I are related?

Fran:
Let's get to know her a little bit. Hi, honey, are you married?

Concepcion:
I was living with a man for 5 years but I couldn't make a commitment.

Fran:
There's your DNA test!

Sylvia:
What is the one thing I taught you?

Fran:
"Death begins in the colon"?

Mr. Sheffield:
I'm going to ask Fran to sign a pre-nuptial agreement.

Niles:
Why don't you just walk around downtown Iraq dressed as Uncle Sam? It'd be quicker.

C.C. Replacement:
Good night, Piles.

Niles:
Niles.

C.C. Replacement:
You say tomato...

Niles:
You know something, lady? You're just a pale imitation of the C.C. Babcock I know. You're not half the man she is.

Niles:
I have not waited around five years for some little shiksa to come in and ruin my wedding.

Fran:
Oh, thank you, Niles. You know, you could be Ma if it weren't for the whiskers. Although.

Sylvia:
If you leave, I'm gonna throw myself in the Hudson River.

Fran:
Ma, flooding New Jersey is not gonna solve anything.

Mr. Sheffield:
I think you'd really like her, Sarah.

Sarah:
I do, Max. Why do you think I sent her to you?

Mr. Sheffield:
You sent her to me. And you heard her speak?

Sarah:
I thought she had a cold.

Police Officer:
[On the phone with a stranded Fran] Honey, it's a beautiful story. My heart goes out to you but I got one tow truck and a wedding is not an emergency... You're how old?... I'll send a chopper.

Mr. Sheffield:
What do you mean: "The wedding is over"?

Fran:
Jocelyn and Lester are getting a divorce.

Mr. Sheffield:
What's that to do with us?

Fran:
Their marriage didn't work because they're from two different worlds just like us. I mean you're the sophisticated classy Jocelyn, and I'm Lester, the poor schlub who worked for you.

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh, come on darling, you never really worked.

Niles:
Ms. Babcock. [Offers her a drink]

C. C.:
Thank you, Niles, but, you know, I'm not supposed to [Gulps it down] do that.

Niles:
How many times have you not done that tonight?

C.C.:
About eight. Niles, now that Maxwell's taken, my life is over.

Niles:
Ms. Babcock, you always underestimate yourself. You have a lot to offer a man. You're witty, you're sophisticated, you're beautiful, you're sexy...

C.C.:
How many times have you done that tonight?

Niles:
About twelve.

Mr. Sheffield:
You blew into our lives five years ago like a whirlwind; made us all feel alive again. For that alone, I'll love you forever.

Bobbi Flekman:
(To C.C.) Honey, you look like a smart woman. You're not, but you look like one. Baby, you're a doormat, an old shoe. No man is worth this. Stop being a masochist.

Niles:
Something troubling you sir?

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh no i'm Miss Fine, i-i mean i'm just fine.

Fran:
You know i just can't wait to get out of this dress

Mr. Sheffield:
Then i'll go get us a room

Fran:
( not paying attention) Okay [realizes as he lets go of her and walks away]

Mr. Sheffield:
Do you, do you hate me? is that what it is? are you trying to get back at me for backpedaling in our relationship?

Mr. Sheffield:
do you remember our conversation about trust?

Fine:
Yea Why?

Mr. Sheffield:
well you realize you and i can not have a relationship if i can't trust you and it's obvious i can't

Mr. Sheffield:
Well Wait you telling me you don't trust me? I thought we had a relationship?

Fran:
oh now wait a minute. Let me get this straight we have a relationship but only when it's convenient for you?

Mr. Sheffield:
This concerns Miss Fine.

Niles:
[exasperated] Oh sir, you're not going to disappoint her again?

Mr. Sheffield:
Not unless you'll think she'll be disappointed by this. [shows Niles a ring]

Niles:
[tears up] Oh sir, sir it's beautiful...this is the happiest day of my life...it's funny how you picture it, but you're never really prepared for it.

Mr. Sheffield:
Ah oh all right hands up anyone who doesn't belong in here

Sylvia:
I bet you weren't expecting three gorgeous gals in your bed, now don't go getting any idea's

Mr. Sheffield:
Yes well i think this is sufficiently put that fantasy to rest sylvia.

Mr Sheffield:
You know you're awfully cute when you compromise.

Fran:
You're awfully cute when you tell me i'm awfully cute.

Mr. Sheffield:
I can't believe it in just 24 hours from now I'll be holding Mrs. Sheffield in my arms. are you as happy I am?

Niles:
This is the happiest day of my life. Congratulations, sir.

w:
Maxwell Sheffield: Thank you, Niles.

Fran:
Hey, what about me I'm the woman who's making you the happiest man in the world.

Niles:
Ms. Fine, Congratulations.

Mr. Sheffield:
Wait what's the suitcase for? Wait a minute I know, if we elope now, the sooner we get to our wedding night.

Fran:
Excuse me, you made me wait 5 years, and now all of a sudden because you're in the mood, you think that I'm gonna come to you just like that (snaps fingers)? Come to mama!

Mr. Sheffield:
so what you're so excited you're packed for our honeymoon already

Fran:
Oh sweetie I'm a Jewish woman going on a two-month cruise do you really think this is all the clothes I'm going to need?

Mr. Sheffield:
Yes

Fran:
Oh, Oh Honey. oh I wish I could stay but I gotta go to ma's

Mr. Sheffield:
What?!

Fran:
Yea you know it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride 24 hours before the Ceremony

Mr. Sheffield:
but sweetheart we have the house all to ourselves

Fran:
oh i know but no no sweetie oh. (Her watch beeps) Gotta go.

Mr. Sheffield:
What?

Fran:
Yep that was a warning we only have 2 minutes left.

Mr. Sheffield:
I can do it in 2 minutes

Fran:
you can?

Mr. Sheffield:
well darling it has been 5 years

(After niles breakes his alliance with C.C.) C.C.:
Now I won't hear that little voice on my computer. You've got mail.

"Mr. Sheffield:
Darlng I don't know if you've looked at your day planner today but if you looked under today's date it would say "Get married!