The Raccoons, Season 1 (1985-1986)

Cyril:
All I've got is my money, this mansion, and my good looks! What would a bunch of dumb raccoons want with that? Heh, heh.....absolutely everything!

Cyril:
It’s time to call out my secret service.

Cedric:
What secret service?

Cyril:
It’s so secret, I haven’t told anyone!

Cyril:
Attention! Now hear this. You are the hand picked elite. The finest secret service ever created. So secret you don't even know who each other are. Now, here's your mission.

Cyril:
These my secretive stoolpigeons are the conspirators. Study them. But don't be fooled. They are not as dumb as they look. Note the masks on their eyes. A sure sign of a thief. A robber. Or maybe even a filthy agitator! Note this one (points to a projection of Schaeffer) - No eyes. Extremely dangerous. Has a keen sense of smell - so take a bath!

Cyril:
Don't you dare Snag! I've just had that tree dry cleaned!

Cyril:
Try to surprise Cyril Sneer? Well I love to spoil surprises!

Cyril:
You are nothing but a powerless paralytic inept ineffective bumbing bunch of deadbeat bears! Some secret service! You didn't even load the camera! You don't seem to realise that if I go, you go! Somewhere out there is an army that is out to destroy everything I've pillaged, cheated, robbed and connived to build. And because of your bumbling they not only know that I know what they know but I don't even know when they'll do what I know they'll do! Anyway, I don't like not knowing! Now get out there and dig up some dirt!

Cyril:
What's this?

Cedric:
My homework!

Cyril:
You've been out of school for three years!

Cedric:
It's... late?

Cyril:
My own son, plotting to overthrow me? Very commendable! I didn't know you had it in you!

Cedric:
I'm not supposed to have visitors!

Bert:
We're not visitors. We're liberators!

Ralph:
What Melissa wants to talk about Bert is…our private time.

Bert:
Our private time? But Ralph, I love our private time! Why I even love our private time when Melissa is with us too!

Bert:
I'm not afraid of anything! I even go to sleep without a nightlight!

Cyril:
If you can’t make it on your own, then you can’t make it! And that’s the way you’ve got to make it in this world Cedric. Alone!

(Cyril sets off a trap which causes a boulder to roll down the hill to stop Bert getting up the mountain)

Cyril:
I built this stuff into the mountain twenty years ago, and it still works!

(The boulder rebounds off the curved trunk of a tree just before it reaches Bert, and is sent flying back towards Cyril and the pigs)

Pig One:
Unfortunately sir, but...

Pig Two:
That tree wasn't there...

Pig Three:
TWENTY YEARS AGO!

Cyril:
(About Bert) What? He's still coming? He must be a cat in a raccoon skin suit!

Pig One:
This is the secret we've been protecting!?

(The pigs laugh)

Cyril:
You find something funny about a Sneer that gave away all his money?

Pigs:
No sir! No sir!

Cyril:
A Sneer who gave everything away to charity? This statue is an embarrassment to me! It could ruin my image forever!

Pig One:
But sir, why don't you just destroy it?

Cyril:
Destroy it?!?

Pig Two:
Oh yes sir, destroy it!

Cyril:
On top of by being quiet, humble, generous and kind, I also always keep my word.

Flashback of Cyril's Uncle:
Promise me!

Cyril:
I suggest you do the same.

Pigs:
Yes sir.

Cyril:
Because if one breath ever gets out about this, it'll be kicking you off of the 50 yard line at next year's Superbowl! Is that clear?

Pigs:
Yes sir!

Pig One:
Your secret's safe with us sir!

Pig Two:
Our lips are sealed!

Cyril:
So's your fate! Now get this eyesore where no one will ever find it!

Bert:
Rub your belly with linseed oil, wrap your head in aluminum foil, Clap your hands, stamp your feet, our secret hand shake can't be beat! YAHOO!

Cedric:
That’s it? That’s the fort you guys have been bragging about?

Ralph:
Well... I guess it does need a little work here and there.

Cedric:
A little work? It needs an architectural firm!

Cyril:
Hey you! Bring that umbrella back here! What are you trying to do, turn me purple?

Pig Two:
Yes sir! I mean no sir!

Cyril:
Of course I want you to check it out! Why do you think I pay you that fancy salary?

Pigs (in unison):
But we’ve never been paid!

Cyril:
The cheque's in the mail.

Ralph:
Well Cedric, those beans ought to hold you till morning.

Cedric:
They'll hold me for a month!

Bert:
I knew we shouldn't have come out on a full moon!

Bert:
It was... just the wind!

Cedric:
Did you bring me anything special Sophia?

Sophia:
Oh yes, Cedric!

Bert:
Great! what is it? Peanut Butter?

Melissa:
Even better, Bert!

Cedric:
Chocolate Pudding?

Sophia:
No, something you boys would really enjoy...Beans!

Ralph:
Beans?

Sophia:
Hey Melissa, let's try that secret handshake again!

Ralph:
I've got a better idea, let's all try it together!

Cyril:
(about the Sneermobile) I want this thing to guzzle gas, belch smoke, and tear up the pavement, not neccesarily in that order!

Ralph:
This could be the end of the forest as we know it!

Melissa:
This could be the end of our way of life!

Bert:
Hey! This could be the beginning of a brand new career!

Cyril:
Careful you swine. Ruin this opportunity for me, and you'll all be invited to a big barbeque. Hah. As the main course!

Cyril:
Wait til you see the lead we take in this lap Mammoth! There'll be enough daylight between us and them to fill an Arctic Summer!

Cyril:
You porkers couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!

Cyril:
Out of my way! I've got millions to make!

Ralph:
Hi, Cedric!

Schaeffer:
Hey, what's in the bag?

Cedric:
Oh, nothing...just a few of my personal belongings...

Melissa:
Cedric, is everything all right?

Cedric:
No, I've left home. Pop doesn't appreciate me. He thinks I'm just a living, breathing adding machine.

Melissa:
Oh, Cedric, Cyril loves you...in his own mercenary way.

Cyril:
(To Pig Two) If you were twice as smart as you think you are, you'd still be a halfwit!

Cyril:
This place looks like a pig sty!

Pigs:
Oh, Thank you, sir! We try sir!

Ralph:
Good night Bert, Goodnight Cedric.

Cedric:
Goodnight.

Bert:
Goodnight.

Cedric:
WAIT!

Bert:
What is it?

Cedric:
I can't fall asleep, until I here my lullaby!

Ralph:
I don't think we know your lullaby.

Melissa:
Why don't you sing it for us, and maybe we'll learn it for tomorrow night?

Cedric:
It's not the same unless Pop is singing it.

Pigs:
Boss! Boss!

Cyril:
Well? Did you find him?

Pig One:
Yes sir, we followed the girl like you said and...

Pig Two:
He's with The Raccoons!

Cyril:
The Raccoons? I should of known! Their the ones who put him up to this!

Pig One:
But sir...

Cyril:
Those meddlesome rodents are a bad influence! The've got the poor kid brain washed!

Pig One:
But sir, you were the one who made him retire. You were the one who... (Cyril glares at him) ...heh, heh, em, saw through The Raccoons all along.

Cyril:
And don't you ever forget it!

Cyril:
(singing) A dollar for your thoughts, my son. See money while you sleep. Watch those dollars jump the fence instead of silly sheep. And as each dollar earns its wings, snatch it from the air. Do this a million times my son, and you'll be a millionaire.

Bert:
Adventure is my middle name!

Cedric:
Mine's Sydney!

Pig One:
The last time I dug this deep was to pay off a stack of Parking tickets!

Cedric:
Pop! It's just a harmless adventure!

Cyril:
Adventure? There's no adventure in a treasure that isn't collecting 12 and a quarter percent per annum!

Cedric:
Oh no! Removing the treasure's setting off the traps! I thought you said they wouldn't work!

Bert:
I guess I can't be right all the time...

(As Cyril and the pigs escape down the river with the treasure, their motor breaks down)

Cyril:
What in blazes is going on??

Pig Two:
It appears it's given up the ghost, sir!

Cyril:
You'll be ghosts if you don't get this barge moving!!!

Cyril:
Why aren't you looking for worms?

Pigs:
They have a treasure map!

Cyril:
Who? The worms?

Pig Two:
No-one can outsmart the security system!

Cyril:
I can! I can outsmart anything, including myself!

Cyril:
(To Pig One) You know, you would look good with an apple in your mouth!

Bert:
Say, this slide is kind of fun!

Cyril:
Tell it to the alligators at the bottom!

Cyril:
(To his alligators) Careful boys! I pay your wages!

Cyril:
FINALLY! One of my defences works!

Cyril:
They sold this garbage to me as the ultimate security system? AARGH! It's lucky you're not paid for yet!

Cyril:
Help you break into my own vault? What do you think I am, a complete idiot?

Melissa:
He is our only hope, Mr. Sneer.

Cyril:
If that dog leaves one hair in my ventilation shaft...

Cyril:
No, no, April Fools' Day isn't for another six months!

Cedric:
I haven't seen pop this happy since he evicted Grandma!

Melissa:
It's my prints!

Bert:
Tell him if the glass slipper's too big, he can borrow my hockey socks!

Cyril:
I am off to see the publisher of this rag!

Cyril:
By the back door!

Cyril:
(About the Standard) Cut the banter, bandit face! Who's responsible for this?!

Ralph:
I am!

Melissa:
I am!

Bert:
Uh-uh-uh, they are!

Cedric:
Pop! You subscribed to the Evergreen Standard?

Cyril:
Of course! It's a daily pleasure I wouldn't miss!

Pig Two:
Which section would you like today sir?

Cyril:
Well, let's start with 'Ask Bert'! (he tears the page out, throws it on the fire and laughs)

Bert:
What did I tell you? See, see? I bet that guy has a submachine gun!

Ralph:
That's a violin case Bert.

Bert:
But they always put machine guns in violin cases! Everyone knows that!

Bear:
Your hot chocolate, sir.

Cyril:
I've had my hot chocolate! I've had my hot bath! And I still can't sleep! I haven't slept for a week!

Cyril:
I get vicious when I can't sleep! I'm not my usual loveable self!

Cyril:
I want to hear a real story! Give me King Midas. I want to hear about Midas and his wonderful golden touch!

Bert:
Once upon a time there was king with a golden touch.

Cyril:
Ooh, I like that. My kind of man!

Bert:
Everything he touched turned to gold.

Cyril:
Good, good!

Bert:
His cities were gold, his streets were gold.

Cyril:
Marvelous! Marvelous!

Bert:
In fact, his whole kingdom was paved with gold. He even paved the forest with gold. What do you think of that?

Pig Two:
Oh that's nothing! We're going to do that tomorrow - with cement!

Cyril:
What? What the devil? You're not Auntie Bertha! You're a raccoon. What kind of weirdo are you anyway?"

Cyril:
Can't you bears speed it up? If you were any slower you'd be unionised! I want this mansion to make the Taj Mahal look like a toolshed!

Bert:
Now I'll be Sir Bert! Defender of the feeble, champion of the weak and employee of the month! The shining knight of the Evergreen Forest!

Cyril:
Make that blazing idiot, bandit face!

Ralph:
(whispering) What's going on?

Melissa:
(whispering) I don't know Ralph. But make like it's part of the play. The show must go on. (Speaks to audience) I have the most wonderful news! The royal family is coming to our forest.

Ralph:
The royal family? Coming to our forest? How soon do they arrive?

Cyril:
Er, um, I don't know. They should be here in a few minutes... unless they stopped for some last minute shopping!

Ralph:
What?! Er, last minute shopping?

Melissa:
They're coming to bestow a special honour on one of our own! It's to be a surprise!

Cyril:
You're telling me.

Ralph:
Er, what brings you, fair knight, to our forest?

Cyril:
I was just in the neighbourhood... I er... I just thought I'd drop by. (he slips and falls over, causing the audience to laugh)

Cyril:
Because by noon on the 13th, this deceiving Daily dupes the unwitting public for the last time!

Pig One:
But sir, they only print the facts!

Cyril:
Facts? I'll give you facts! The life expectancy of a loudmouth pig is shortened every time it opens it's mouth! Understand?

Ralph:
Nobody can make gold! It's impossible!

Bert:
The impossible is what I specialise in!

Cyril:
You. Start counting.

Pig Three:
Yes sir.

Pig Three:
One, two, four, five, six...

Cedric:
You missed three!

Pig Three:
Oh, I did? (laughs nervously) I've always had problems with geometry!