The Raccoons, Season 4 (1989)

Cedric:
You always told me to face up to things Pop.

Pig Three:
It's a benefit show!

Woodchuck Berry:
Yeah? Well, I've never turned down a benefit.

Pig One:
Great! Follow us!

Woodchuck Berry:
Er, who's the benefit for?

Pig Three:
Us!

Pig Two:
Er...Us, yeah. U-S. Unemployed stone farmers! Us!

Woodchuck Berry:
Unemployed stone farmers? That's a good one on me.

Pig Two:
But we were gonna surprise you boss, honest!

Cyril:
Surprise me? Then do something right! That'd surprise me.

Woodchuck Berry:
By the way Cyril, how come you just happened to have a sax in your trunk?

Cyril:
Oh that? Oh, it's my spare! Always keep a spare in the trunk!

Melissa:
(To the Pigs) My, you three look dashing!

Pig One:
I hope we look as dashing when we're crashing!

Cyril:
There's $50,000 in prize money up for grabs in that pylon race! And you're going to win it!

Pig Three:
(mumbling) Or die trying!

Cyril:
Of all the rotten luck! Before that hotshot Troy Malone turned up, I had this air race in the bag! We were the only entry!

Pig One:
Okay, get ready for the engine test! And let's hope it doesn't work!

Bert:
If there's anything you wanna talk about, just let me know, okay?

Ralph:
I will. Thanks, Bert.

Bert:
Okay, Ralph. Uh, I'll see you later.

Ralph:
Face it, Ralph. Some guys make the news... and some guys just write it down.

Ralph:
What happened to you three?

Pig One:
It's a sad and a painful story.

Pig Two:
Oh yeah. We didn't even see the cement truck! No, not at all!

Pig Three:
And what do you think the chances are of being hit by a meteorite?

Ralph:
Zero. What can I do for you?

Pig One:
We want to place an ad. For a pilot.

Ralph:
A pilot? The race'll be over before the Standard comes out.

Pig Two:
Well that's not our problem. But the boss can't say we didn't try!

Cedric:
Gee Ralph, are you sure you're up to this? You haven't logged all that many flying hours.

Ralph:
Maybe not Cedric. But I've had it up to here with Troy Malone. I'm going to give him a run for his money.

Cyril:
It's not his money. It's my money. Now get out there and bring back that fifty grand. And don't wreck my plane!

Cyril:
How's my ace pilot doing?

Cedric:
Well, he's still in the air Pop.

Bert:
You were TERRIFIC! That's the best crash I ever saw!

Ralph:
Huh... thanks Bert... I think.

Ralph:
Here's lookin' at you, kid!

Melissa:
(laughs)

Troy Malone:
(clears throat)

Ralph:
Troy! Pull up a chair and join us!

Melissa:
Yes!

Troy Malone:
Oh no, I just came to say goodbye. Besides, three's a crowd. No hard feelings about the race? Eh, Ralph?

Ralph:
Of course not! (pause) Well... wherever you're off to, we wish you the best of luck, Troy.

Troy Malone:
Thanks Ralph, Melissa. (mumbles) Well... it's on.

Pig One:
Mission accomplished sir!

Cyril:
Amazing! With you three it's usually mission impossible!

Bonneville:
I said, give me the car keys!

Pig Three:
No way Jose. This is the boss' car.

Pig Two:
He'd send us to the smokehouse if we let anyone drive it!

Bert:
So that's Bonneville huh? Is he giving you a hard time Cedric?

Cedric:
Well...

Bert:
Come on Cedric, I can see what's happening! And you've only got two choices.

Cedric:
I'll take the orange soda Bert.

Bert:
No, I mean two choices in dealing with Bonneville!

Cedric:
Oh Bert! Am I glad to see you! I thought you were Bonneville!

Bert:
Nah! I'm much better looking.

Bert:
Cyril! Cyril! Open up! Let me in!

Cyril:
Huh? I'll let you in for a lifetime of trouble if you don't get out of here pronto! It's the middle of the night!

Bert:
Cedric and Bonneville are in trouble!

Cyril:
Don't go away!

Cyril:
Pigs! If anything happens to my son I'll hold you responsible!

Pig One:
Us? We were sleeping boss!

Cyril:
See? They admit it.

Bonneville:
Look Cedric... maybe I am a stinker. Maybe... maybe I'm sorry.

Cedric:
Why all of a sudden?

Bonneville:
Because I've got no more time. Because I'll be... gone in the morning. Like always. Can we be... I mean... can we be friends?

Cedric:
Maybe... we can try!

Bert:
WOW!

Cyril:
Cedric! What's happening here?

Cedric:
Something that happens once in a blue moon Pop!

Lady Baden-Baden:
I envy you Melissa.

Melissa:
Me?

Lady Baden-Baden:
You have a career. You have purpose. A direction in life. Me? I just flutter about on society business.

Cyril:
I might as well play golf on the Sahara Desert, the amount of time I spend in sand traps!

Pig One:
Sand Wedge again sir?

Cyril:
I'll turn you into a sandwich if you don't watch your lip Pig!

Pig One:
I just had a brilliant idea. I know how we can make some easy money.

Pig Three:
Oh Lloyd... that's my favourite kind!

Mr Knox:
Er, what's with the disguises boys? Does Mr Sneer disapprove of your catering business?

Pig One:
Oh no, the boss backs us all the way!

Pig Two:
Yeah usually he's on our backs.

Pig Three:
Er, besides, we're not in disguise!

Pig Two:
No, no, it's er, it's er, protection from the sun!

Pig One:
The ozone layer, it's breaking down you know. And we're very sensitive to ultraviolet rays!

Mr Knox:
I see...

Lady Baden-Baden:
Knoxie and I had a terrible fight, in public no less! He demanded I resign from my job!

Bert:
But why would he want you to resign?

Lady Baden-Baden:
That's exactly what I asked him! He said women have no place in the working world?

Melissa:
How could he say such a thing in this day and age?

Lady Baden-Baden:
It's his upbringing Melissa. Old world, old values, old money. I told him to accept me as I am, or leave. He left, and tomorrow is... our anniversary! Oh Melissa, I'm so unhappy! (she sobs)

Pig Two:
Oh it's a disaster! Our first catering contract just went up in smoke!

Pig Three:
No, he just went up the stairs!

Bert:
Don't cry Lady Baden-Baden.

Lady Baden-Baden:
Oh I'm not, it's the onions. Oh, but I do miss Knoxie so.

Melissa:
I'm sure you and Mr Knox can work things out.

Lady Baden-Baden:
You manage a career and a marriage Melissa. How do you do it?

Melissa:
Well, a little understanding, a little support and a little compromise... from both of us!

Lady Baden-Baden:
Compromise... not one of Knoxie's strong points.

Cyril:
(Whilst playing golf) You're crazy to break up with Lady Baden-Baden. Just because she took a job Knox! Drat.

Mr Knox:
But sir, where I come from a gentlemen would never let his wife take a job. It's tradition.

Cyril:
Lucky shot Knox! The heck with tradition! You can't kiss off a perfectly good marriage because of your pigheaded prime! You're living in the modern world Knox. The woman has a right to work if she wants. Rats! Besides, you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. You're getting a second income out of it!

Lady Baden-Baden:
(As the train she is riding on disappears down a tunnel) Knoxiiieeee! I looooovvvveee yooooou!

Cyril:
Did I miss something here?

Pig One:
Yes boss. The happy ending.

Pig Two:
Knox uses astrology to foresee the future!

Cyril:
Well you three won't have one if you don't start talking sense.

Pig One:
We'll do better than that sir! We'll talk dollars and cents!

Cyril:
Bananas it is then! Buy boatloads, buy plantations, buy republics! Go bananas buying bananas boys! Hehe, that's a good one. Write that down.

Lady Baden-Baden:
Cedric's horoscope says to rise above his problems. And according to Bert's horoscope, he might find himself in a high place!

Cyril:
You mean the mountains?

Lady Baden-Baden:
Yes.

Ralph:
I don't put much stalk in horoscopes Lady Baden-Baden, but I suppose it's as good place as any to start looking.

Lady Baden-Baden:
The stars never lie! Just ask Knoxie.

Mr Knox Well, er...

Mr Knox:
I don't think consulting the charts will do any good my sweet.

Lady Baden-Baden:
But Knoxie, you've always depended on my charts to guide you.

Mr Knox:
Well my dear, you see I always made my own business decisions. I couldn't hurt your feelings by telling you that.

Cyril:
Hmm... how interesting. Wonderful. My son's been out there all night while we've been looking in the wrong place.

Lady Baden-Baden:
Oh Cyril! I thought... I thought I was helping.

Ralph:
No one's blaming you Lady Baden-Baden. The mountains were as good a place to look as any. But where do we look for Bert and Cedric now? It's a big forest out there.

Bert:
(Reading from a book) "Dating made easy in 500 easy lessons". That doesn't sound easy to me!

Bentley:
(teasing Bert) Bert and Lisa sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Bert:
However, Bentley, you are not so very funny!

Bentley:
(looking through some comic books) Wow! You've got Fog Man #1! The Undesirables! The Caped Kid, and The Mole Lady!

Bert:
(who is smartening his appearance) Hey Bentley, what do you think?

Bentley:
I think you look like one of the Undesirables!

Bert:
Says you!

Lisa:
Hello? Anybody home? Hi, Bert. Hiya, Bentley.

Bert:
Oh! Heh-heh! Uh, L-L-L-L-Lisa, w-w-what a surprise!

Lisa:
Bert, what happened to your hair?

Bentley:
It's the new windswept look.

Lisa:
Oh. I just wanna see your clubhouse, Bert. Bentley has told me so much about it. You don't mind, do you?

Bert:
No, in fact I'm honored.

Pig Three:
JP and Knox are inside the athletic club Boss.

Cyril:
I can't picture Knox doing pushups!

Pig Three:
Oh my... they were here!

Pig One:
The steam bath boss! They must be in there!

Cyril:
(walking into steam room) Good work boys. You'll get a raise for this.

Pig Three:
A raise!

Cyril:
JP? JP Gordon? Have I got something for you!

Lady:
(horrified) Oh, there's a man in here!!!

Pig Three:
Oops... so much for our raise.

Bert:
Ralph?

Ralph:
Yeah Bert?

Bert:
Ever have a girlfriend?

Ralph:
Sure did pal.

Bert:
What happened?

Ralph:
I married her.

Cyril:
Alright... I'm through pussyfooting around! We're going to tunnel into Knox's mansion!

Pig Three:
Oh, Lady Baden-Baden won't like that, boss. You know how she hates muddy footprints all over the house.

Bert:
Uh, Lisa, uh, did you ever see that old movie, "Love is a Very Splendid Thing"?

Lisa:
Why, sure.

Bert:
Well, uh... you know that scene where Rip Tide and Virginia Creeper meet on the river boat?

Lisa:
And pledge their undying love? Ah, it's one of my favorites!

Bert:
Good, good! Well... (clears throat) ...think of this cafe as the river boat.

Lisa:
(giggles) That sounds like fun! "Oh, Rip, your eyes are like the southern nights!" (giggles)

Bert:
Look, I'm trying to be serious here, Lisa!

Lisa:
(giggles) Sorry, Bert, go on.

Bert:
I'm just trying to tell you that... well, uh... we were... meant for each other.

Lisa:
Oh, Bert...

Bert:
Yeah?

Lisa:
I am flattered. But we don't know each other... well enough. I... I mean... I like you, Bert. But as a... friend...

Bert:
Oh. If that's the way you fill up on it!

Lisa:
Oh, Bert... don't be angry with me.

Bert:
ANGRY?! Who's angry?! I'm not angry! Well... gee, uh... look at the time! You better hurry or you'll, uh, miss your train!

Lisa:
Bert...

Bert:
(runs away from Lisa) Thank you ever so much for coming! It's been a slice!

Ralph:
Honestly, if I hear that love song one more time...

Melissa:
Oh come on Ralph! Don't you remember what your first crush felt like?

Ralph:
Yeah, I had a hard time getting over it. But I wrote poetry. It's quieter.

Lady Baden-Baden:
Why, I've just found out that the Sneers were one of the first to leave the old country and settle here.

Cyril:
One of the Sneers' greatest tax dodges!

Pig One:
How could the boss do this to us, forget the names of his own parents!?

Pig Two:
Well, he always forgets our payday.

Pig One:
...And the key word is "please". When I snap my fingers you will remain in a trance, but will open your eyes and do only as we say.

Pig Two:
Oh, oh! Ask him, ask him!

Pig One:
Ahem. Boss? We would like a raise, please?

Pig Two:
Mom always said the magic word works wonders!

Pig One:
Oh no! We're really doomed!

Pig Two:
Yeah, the boss hates a dirty car!

Cedric:
I thought I'd lost you there Pop.

Cyril:
We Sneers don't disappear as easily as that. And we've got hundreds of years of history to prove it son!

Cedric:
I know that Pop... even if I'm not a real Sneer.

Cyril:
What are you talking about?

Cedric:
It's okay Pop, you don't have to keep it a secret anymore. I know I'm adopted.

Cyril:
Wha... where'd you get that crazy idea? No wait. You're not adopted son. I'm the one who's adopted.

Bert:
Cyril Sneer... adopted?

Pig Two:
Does that make our contract invalid?

Cyril:
Well son, times were different then. Being adopted was sometimes kept a secret.

Cedric:
But why couldn't you tell me?

Cyril:
Well I wanted to. But I kept putting it off. The longer I waited the harder it got. I guess I was afraid you'd think I wasn't a real Sneer.

Cedric:
Gee Pop, as far as I'm concerned you're the greatest Sneer ever!

Cyril:
Thanks son. That means a lot to me.

Ralph:
You designed this vault Cedric. What are Tromboni's chances?

Cedric:
Well if I were him I'd pack a lunch!

Cyril:
I invested a fortune developing this vault, and it's got as many holes as a Swiss cheese! I might as well install a turnstile in the darn thing!

Knox:
A truly spectacular show, wasn't it Mr. Sneer?

Cyril:
Terrific!

Knox:
Anyway, you'll be pleased to hear I have decided to purchase one of your vaults.

Cyril:
But Tromboni got out of it!

Knox:
My dear Mr Sneer, surely you are aware that magic is the art of illusion. What you see is not necessarily what happens. Can I expect delivery of the vault tomorrow?

Cyril:
Sure Knox. But what you saw is not necessarily what you're going to get.

Bert:
Hey, there it is guys! The old place never looked better to me! What a sight!

Bentley:
What a dump.

Bentley:
Wow, this is it? My locker's bigger than this place! Where's the cafeteria? Where are the science labs? Where are the computer rooms? What can anybody possibly learn in this place? Whoops! (he accidentally knocks over a globe)

Miss Primrose:
Perhaps we could learn some manners young man. And we don't charge in tracking in mud and disrupting my schoolhouse, even if it is being closed down... forever.

Cedric:
Closed?

Bert:
Forever?

Cyril:
(Reading a letter) I owe taxes on all of this? This inventory list is an invention! How can the tax department do this to a humble millionaire like me?

Pig Three:
We were planning to practice our tennis serves.

Cyril:
If you don't get out to that warehouse I'll serve you... with apples in your mouths!

Pig One:
How could the boss fire us like that?

Pig Two:
We never even got the chance to make up any excuses!

Pig Three:
We never even got the chance to make any lunch!

Pigs One and Two:
LUNCH?!?

Cyril:
Let's see what your conditions of employment are. Hmm. Statuatory holidays off, a 40 hour work week, two weeks holidays a year? What do you think this is? An executive position?

Cyril:
(In disguise) Cyril Sneer is going to be harder to find than a mechanic on a weekend!

Bentley:
I guess everyone gets nervous going to a new school, don't they Miss Primrose?

Miss Primrose:
(weeps) Oh Bentley, I don't want to leave this place!

Cedric:
(About his cakes) I hope the bumping around didn't ruin something.

Cyril:
I certainly hope not!

Cedric:
Pop! What are you doing here?

Cyril:
Oh, I had to get out of the house. I thought I'd drop by. But what are you doing at the schoolhouse?

Cedric:
I tried to tell you Pop. We're holding a fundraiser to save this school from closing down!

Cyril:
' Closing down! The old school hasn't changed much in all these years.

Cedric:
That's the problem Pop.

Cyril:
Why, what's this?

Ralph:
Whoo hoo hoo? Poor kid who had to wear that ridiculous costume?

Cyril:
I wore it. In the Easter play.

Ralph:
Oh? Well, what do I know about fashion?

Bert:
Gee, we're really going to miss you around here.

Ralph:
Are you sure you have to go?

Miss Primrose:
I'm afraid so boys. I've given it a lot of thought and I know now I was just afraid of facing something new. So I'm off to City Collegit to learn more about the new fangled technology Bentley has been showing me. I'm going to be a teacher and a student. After all, someone has to run the new Evergreen Elementary and the Cyril Sneer Wing when it's built. Right?

All:
All right!

Bentley:
Come on Miss Primrose! Let's get going! I want to look around our new school, 'cos we're going to be the new faces this year!

Professor Smedley-Smythe:
How’s your science project coming along, young fellow?

Bert:
I can’t wait to show it to you, professor! It’s gonna be dynamite!

Professor Smedley-Smythe:
Oh dear! I don’t believe we can allow explosives in a museum.

Pig Two:
Do you think we'll ever move up in this business?

Pig One:
I know we will. When we're done this the boss wants us to shingle the roof!

Cyril:
(singing) Barley, barley, huck and rye, that's the way we aardvarks fly! Some fly east and some fly west, and some fly over the cuckoo's nest!

Pig One:
You screamed sir?

Cyril:
What are you pork pies doing, trying to make spectacles of yourselves?

Pig Two:
Oh no sir, they're for reading Mudman Comics!

Cyril:
Reading comics on the job eh? Well read my lips. Deliver these boxes to Willow's store. N-O-W. NOW!

Melissa:
(To Bert and Cedric) You two look like you just lost your best friend.

Cedric:
Oh, things just aren't going so good that's all.

Ralph:
Well, now I know what they mean when they say skateboarding's a downhill sport!

Cyril:
Don't forget to switch at the halfway mark, don't take your eyes off the course, and don't lose!

Cedric:
This looks like a pretty tough course Bert.

Bert:
Don't worry Cedric! Look! I brought you my lucky sweater!

Cedric:
Gee, thanks Bert. Er, how do you tell the difference?

Bert:
They're all lucky! And now we’ll look like a team!

Cedric:
Yeah, the B team.

Cyril:
(on the intercom) Pigs! It's time we fix that phantom's wagon. You three get over to that theatre, find the phantom and get rid of it! I'm going to be part of Knox's big deal, even if it kills me!

Pig Three:
Hm! He means even if it kills us!

Bert:
Okay Broo, we've got one super dooper spook sensitive tape recorder!

Pig Two:
Two garlands of garlic to stave off evil spirits!

Bert:
An XL 3-33 special phantom camera filter!

Pig Three:
Four wooden stakes to drive through the hearts of vampires!

Bert:
A five pound bag of flour for the old 'throw the flour on the ectoplasm' routine!

Pig One:
And a slick vacuum to suck up ghostly apparitions - it says so in the guarantee!

Bert:
I tell you Broo - we have the will, we have he technology, and soon we'll have the phantom!

Bert:
Bert Raccoon, ace reporter and super sleuth is on the case! Now, what do we know?

Cedric:
Nothing.

Bert:
Nothing... excellent! We can start with a clean slate!

Barbara LaFrum:
Cyril Sneer.

Cyril:
Barbara LaFrum!? What do you want?

Barbara LaFrum:
I want truth, I want justice and I want fair play.

Cyril:
It's just up the road!

Pig One:
I don't see the boss anywhere.

Pig Two:
It's Barbara Whatshername - quick, take cover guys!

Pig One:
I don't think she saw us. If the boss finds out we set him up with that barracuda, he'll feed us to the sharks!

Cyril:
(Bursts out of hiding in a crate) BOSS? Miserable pig slops! I oughta...

Barbara LaFrum:
You'll ought to what Mr Sneer?

Bert:
(Crestfallen) Heh. A buck fifty. I raised a buck fifty.

Ralph:
And it was very nice of you to lend her the money Bert!

Bert:
A buck fifty! I paid more for my pet lizard!

Cyril:
Like I said, it's a little silly. Just a childhood embarrassment, but I never got over it. The idea of playing in public still brings me out in a cold sweat.