The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Season 1

Ashley:
(about her school) Why do these people think there's something wrong with a belly button? It's not like everyone doesn't have one. I mean, I have one. They have one. You have one. Personally, I don't see the big deal if it shows. I mean, it's not like anyone else is covering their buttons.

Anne:
Well, they're supposed to. It's in the dress code.

Ashley:
Yes, Mother, but no one pays attention to the dress code. Of course, not until today, when I get hauled into the principal's office and asked to put on a sweatshirt. I mean, why should I follow the rules if no one else does?

George:
I'll tell you why. Because I don't want to get another call from the principal's office, and neither does your mother. We don't like being embarrassed by our 13-year-old daughter, who insists on dressing like a streetwalker when we take our hard-earned money to buy you decent clothes to wear that fit the dress code requirement. Forget the school dress code. We have our own dress code. You didn't just break the school's rules. You broke our rules, and rules of good taste. What are you trying to prove, that you're not 13? You're 13. That you're sexy? You're not sexy! I mean, do you even know what sexy means? It means you're ready to have sex, and you are not ready to have sex. Neither of my daughters are ready to have sex, and you two will not be ready to have sex for a long time! Whoo. A very, very long time! Maybe after you've been married for a couple years. We want to make sure it's gonna work out first. (chuckles at himself)

Ashley:
Funny.

George:
Am I right?

Anne:
He's right, although I doubt you'll get your father's permission even after you're married.

Ricky:
Aren't I supposed to tell you how I feel?

Therapist:
You've been coming here enough years to know that I'm not that kind of shrink. Come on. Tell me how you feel.

Ricky:
I feel like my f...my fricking father stole my childhood and then dumped me on another family and said, "You take him. I don't want him. He's damaged goods."

Therapist:
I like the way you started out, although I'd love to hear a little more anger in your voice, because you have a right to be angry. Because your father did steal your childhood by sexually abusing you. But he didn't dump you anywhere. The gigantic hand of Social Services reached down and plucked you out of a deplorable situation, and placed you in a family that doesn't see the damage. They just see the potential, and they love you. And I know you love them, but it's the loving yourself I'm trying to get you to come around to.

Ricky:
I thought you were trying to get me to come around to not having sex with every girl I meet.

Therapist:
Can you see how these two things are related? Can you see how you are constantly fighting to prove your masculinity all because your father was some sick bastard? Can you see how you have it within your power to not let what he did have anything to do with who you are at this point in your life?

Ricky:
I'm not sure I want to see it. How do you feel about that?

Therapist:
I feel like you don't want to see it, because if you do, you'll lose your motivation for having sex. And without constant, indiscriminate sex, you'll be a new person. A better person. A person you might actually like, even love.

Grace:
Jack, we've talked about this before. Lots of times. I want to be out of medical school before I get married. My dad waited until he was out of medical school, and my mom waited with him.

Jack:
Okay, okay. I know.

Grace:
Are you okay?

Jack:
Yeah, I'm fine. Hypothetically speaking, and not that I'd even be interested in this...I don't even know if it's a sin after marriage, but I have heard that some people have found that...excuse me if this sounds vulgar, but I like to think we have the kind of relationship where I respect you, and you respect me, and we can tell each other anything, right?

Grace:
Right. So just say what you want to say.

Jack:
Is oral sex allowed before marriage? I mean, if two people are committed to each other and in love with each other, would that be allowed?

Grace:
I don't know. I'll ask my mother. (he spits out his drink) I'm kidding. Kidding! But you deserved that. Of course it's sex. You need to keep your mind away from those kinds of thoughts, Jack. I mean, what is wrong with you today?

Henry:
So, how many students do you think are having sex?

Alice:
High school students. 46.8%.

Jack:
Father forgive us for our many sins, for not being strong when temptation leads us astray... (Jack's team-mates are puzzled) Give us the strength to do Thy will, especially when it's much easier to give in to the pleasures of the flesh... (the coach glances in to listen) Let us not be distracted by the women that are here to lead us into situations that would lead us into hell and destroy our souls forever, but to cheer us on to victory... with their short skirts and tight sweaters and hot bodies.

Marshall:
(to Jack) Go home before I pummel you.

Jack:
I thought you were a Christian.

Marshall:
Oh that's right, I'm a Christian. So first I will smite you; then I will pummel you.

Jack:
(on him cheating on Grace) I was weak. I was tempted. I gave in. But Grace, I swear, that's never gonna happen again. And if it did... I would... I don't know, I would smite myself! (notes Grace's confused look) Yeah, your dad said he was going to smite me.

Alice:
(on the death of Ben's mom) It's healthy. It's healthy to move on, Ben. It's been a long time. Five years is a long time.

Ben:
Yeah, it is. And believe me it feels longer than five years. Time passes real slow when you're a kid. It's starting to speed up a little though. I guess I'm getting older, maturing. Maybe I'll get married soon, have a kid, start a little family band.

Adrian:
(referring to Amy) You can't be serious. You can't be interested in that... child.

Ricky:
(frustrated) You know some girls do it without broadcasting it to the whole school. Some girls are more discreet about their sex life than you. Some girls have class.

Ricky:
He told the guys in the locker room, they told their girlfriends, and one of them already told me.

Adrian:
I don't really care.

Ricky:
What kind of guy brags about this kind of stuff?

Adrian:
Err... You told me about Amy Juergens.

Ricky:
Yeah. (self-deprecating laugh)

Ashley:
Would you go change? You kind of stink.

Amy:
Yes, I know. Good night.

Ashley:
Wait. (long silence) I stayed up because I wanted to ask you something. You're not...you're not, like, pregnant or anything, are you?

Amy:
(stuttering) Wh...wh...why would you say something like that?

Ashley:
Look, Amy, you're acting really weird lately, and you're stuttering again, so I know you're trying to cover something up. You're lying. You're lying all the time, and you're hungry all the time. You eat everything in sight, and you've gained weight, and you've got boobs. And you got sick? I mean, you love the carousel.

Amy:
I know.

Ashley:
So? (more silence) I won't tell them if you are. I won't tell anyone, I promise. You're gonna need me if you are, because you know they're gonna kill you, and you're gonna need a friend.

Amy:
I have friends, Ashley.

Ashley:
Not in this house. Not if you're having a baby. Just tell me. Are you? Are you having a baby?

Amy:
(tears in her eyes) Yeah. Don't tell anyone, okay? I'll tell them when I need to.

Ashley:
(to Amy, who's trying on a new top) When did you get boobs?

Anne:
You know what, I think you're getting curves.

Amy:
(stuttering) No, I don't think so.

Anne:
(on Marsha Bowman) Are you kidding? She'd never let you wear that tube top.

Ashley:
Well you won't let me wear it either.

Anne:
You're wearing it aren't you?

Grace:
Well, they're my parents. I have to do what they tell me. Don't you do what your parents tell you?

Ricky:
Hell no!

Marc:
Any plans for college?

Adrian:
Maybe. I hear Indiana University has an awesome sex education programme.

Marc:
Awesome, huh? I saw that you almost got a perfect score on the verbal study of PSAT. You know Columbia's got a great English lit department. Bet you'd really love New York.

Adrian:
Well I really love sex...

Grace:
I'm not a hero. I'm in big trouble.

Tom:
You're a hero and you're in big trouble. What happened to Ricky's shirt? He's topless!

Grace:
I don't know.

Tom:
He's bad.

Grace:
No he's isn't, i'm bad, I should never have threatened anyone. I don't know what I was thinking. Please, please, please do not say anything to mom and dad.

Tom:
They are still going to find out.

Grace:
Maybe not.

Tom:
Yes, they are.

Grace:
OK fine, but let me tell them.

Tom:
Let me tell them.

Grace:
No you can't cause you don't know what happened.

Tom:
Yes, I do.

Grace:
No you only know what you saw, I can explain, I'll explain, you have to let me explain.

Ashley:
You're not going on a business trip, are you? (about her mother) What, did she kick you out of the house or something?

George:
No one kicks me out of my house. You mind your own business and be a good girl.

Ashley:
You seeing someone. You got a girlfriend or something?

George:
This is not a conversation a father has with his daughter. And no, I'm not seeing someone. Your mother may think I am, but I'm not.

Ashley:
Just don't go.

George:
You know how you always want to be treated older, like an adult? Well, now...now is a good time to grow up a little bit and realize that things don't always work out like you want them to.

Ashley:
(near tears) Please don't go, okay? I promise I'll do anything you want. I mean, I'll wear long skirts or high jeans. I won't wear makeup, and I won't dye my hair, and I'll get good grades, and I'll make decent friends like you're always telling me to. Just, Dad, please.

George:
Ash, honey, please. This is hard enough.

Ashley:
(crying) Dad.

George:
(hugs her) It's not like I'm not gonna be around. I'll be around. I'll always be around for you.

Ashley:
No, you won't. And I don't want to have divorced parents. Everyone has divorced parents. I don't want to be like everyone else.

George:
I know, sweetheart. I know.

George:
(about him and Anne) We're just taking a break. No one said anything about divorce here. We just need some time alone. Some time to think. I've got to go. I don't want you blaming yourself for anything that happens, all right? Because it's got nothing to do with you or Amy. Sometimes, things just happen.

Ashley:
(backs away) "Things just happen"? No, things don't just happen. Things just happen when...why'd you have to cheat on her, man? I mean, she's pretty, she's smart, she's nice, and she's my mother! How could you leave her? How could you leave us, especially now?

George:
How did Amy get in this situation anyway?

Ashley:
Band camp.

George:
See? I knew that French horn would come to no good!

Amy:
Ben, I already told my mother it was Ricky's baby.

Adrian:
What did ya do that for?

Ben (snaps at Adrian):
Would you stay out of this please? (to Amy) What did ya do that for?

Amy:
Ashley, you're going to be late for school.

Ashley:
At least I won't be late for my period.

Mimsy:
(to Amy) No shame. Not a moment of shame. Not with me, because I'm so proud of you. You are a wonderful girl! You are a wonderful girl! So, you're going to have a baby, so what? Who cares? Life must have wanted another beautiful creature on this planet. Who knows Life's plan? We don't know how this is all going to turn out... whether this is going to be a good thing or a bad thing, so don't worry about it, not a bit!

Ben:
(to Mr. Molina) And what are you doing to yourself? Do you have anyone in your life, or are you just too scared of being miserable to get involved? Well, I'd rather be miserable and involved. That's just me.

Ashley:
(about her father) Okay, Mom, you have to let him come home. I don't care if people knows that she's pregnant, or that he had an affair, or that you're doing whatever with Ben's dad, but I do care that people know we're poor. That is the ultimate humiliation!

Betty:
Tom, I need you to know something. If you don't pay me the money, a very mean guy is gonna come and beat you up with a bag of oranges that he keeps in his trunk.

Adrian:
Date nights are for people who aren't having sex.

Grace:
Oh, my parents have plenty of sex.

Adrian:
How do you know?

Grace:
I'm just assuming.

George:
(to Amy) You really wanna go to school with a bunch of sluts?

Amy:
Dad, if you're calling them sluts you're calling me a slut.

George:
No, I'm not. Where'd you get that?

Ricky:
This is why I want to be involved with my son or daughter.

Adrian:
Why?

Ricky:
So they don't end up like you.

Ruben:
(about Ricky) That's the best you could do?

Adrian:
You're the best my mother could do.

George (to Ashley):
I think it's time you and me have a talk.

Ashley:
Oh Dad, please. This isn't the sex talk, right?

George:
Of course it's the sex talk. I figure if I have the sex talk with you, maybe you won't want to have sex.

Ashley:
Probably not.

George:
Ok, this is all you need to know..

Ashley:
Dad, I have internet access and a pregnant sister. I know where babies come from.

George:
That's how we had the girls, great sex. Amy was conceived under a full moon on a surf board and Ashley was conceived in a graveyard at midnight.

Anne:
Wow. You know, I forgot about that.

Jack:
He's in therapy.

Grace:
Yeah, so? I've been in therapy too.

Jack:
Shh!

Grace:
What is wrong with you? I don't care if people know I've been in therapy. When we adopted Tom, our whole family went to therapy together and separately just to talk through it. It was very helpful.

Jack:
Grace, people already think you're weird enough.

Grace:
Well I don't care what people think. I've been in therapy.

Jack:
Just please. Trust me on this one, ok? That's two strikes against you. You're a Christian, and you've been to therapy. You're a crazy Christian. Do you really want that getting out?

Grace:
(to everyone in hallway) I'm a crazy Christian! Yeah, I am. I'm a crazy Christian.

Ruben (to Adrian):
I don't want you seeing Ricky anymore.

Adrian:
That is not your decision! You do not decide who I go out with! And you know what? I'm sorry. I am so sorry I ever looked you up. Just go back to where you came from, and I promise I will never bother you again. Ever.

Ruben:
I can't make that same promise.

Adrian:
It's too late! Don't you get it? I'm all grown up! I have my period and everything! I menstrate! I take birth control pills! I have sex! Protected sex! With condoms! I don't need parents!

Ruben:
Adrian, listen to me. You're going out with a guy who's in therapy for God knows what. Your girlfriend, the crazy Christian cheerleader, has been in some sort of altercation and was just interrogated by the police, and she's interested in your boyfriend, by the way. But what really bothers me is that everyone in this school seems to think that you're a slut. You need an adult in your life. Your mother wants to be your best friend, and I don't. You need me. Otherwise, you wouldn't have come to see me.

Adrian:
I made a mistake.

Ruben:
Well, before you make any serious mistakes, let's see what we can do to get your life going in the right direction.

Adrian:
Well, what does that mean, get my life in the right direction? That's what my mother said. What are you two talking about?

Ruben:
Adrian, I think you need to realize that you have a lot more to offer to this world than just sex.

Grace:
I wanted to know how you would feel if i date him ? If it's possible and if my parents give me their permission...

Adrian:
How would I feel if you date Ricky ? It would hurt me. A lot.

Grace:
Oh.

Adrian:
I would feel betrayed.

Grace:
By me or by Ricky ?

Adrian:
Listen, if you want my permission, I am not giving it to you.

Amy:
Mom's not going to listen to me. She won't even keep the baby for me. Yeah. I asked her if she'd keep the baby for me while I was at school and band and stuff, and she said she wouldn't. She's going to get a job. Can you believe that?

Ashley:
You thought she would keep the baby for you? What do you mean "keep the baby"?

Amy:
Watch the baby.

Ashley:
For 24 hours a day while you have a life?

Amy:
Not 24 hours a day. Just most of the day, Monday through Friday. Whose side are you on?

Ashley:
Dad's. And why would she agree to raise the baby anyway? Why would you want her to? Look at the two of us. We're completely screwed up. That kid's better off adopted.

Amy:
Ashley, this is my baby, and I'm going to keep my baby.

Ashley:
I thought you wanted Mom to keep your baby!

Amy (to Ben):
Do you still want to get married?

Ben:
Of course. But I think your parents said no to that one, unfortunately.

Amy:
I'm not asking for their permission this time and neither should you, and neither should your dad. We have to do it now.

Ben:
We're underage.

Amy:
Do you want to marry me?

Ben:
Yes. I said I did, but I mean, I'd like our families to be there.

Amy:
Well, Ben, this is not the type of wedding that you send invitations to and invite the family. We have to elope.

Ben:
I mean, how? Again, we're underage.

Amy:
Fake ID's.

Amy:
Ricky should help. He is the father.

Ben:
I don't know if he could, or if he would, and I don't know if we want him to be involved.

Anne:
Oh, he's involved. He said that he wants to be involved, and legally he is, Amy. Ben.

Amy:
But Mom, can't we keep him from being involved somehow?

Anne:
No, I don't think that we can. I mean, he has said that he wants to be involved. He's made that pretty clear. We just don't know how yet.

Amy:
But if I was married to Ben...

Anne:
It won't change anything. You're still gonna have a baby. Ricky's baby. Look, I'm on your side here, Amy. I am on your side. I am not being mean by trying to get you to face reality, but a baby is coming. And it's not just enough to have a plan. You have to act on that plan. So what is your plan, Amy? Ben? Look, I want to help you, but I can't help you if you don't talk to me. And there are no easy answers. You either get a job, go to school, and get someone to help with child care, or or you think seriously about adoption. But whatever choice you make, it has to be what is right for your child, Amy, not just about what is easiest for you. You can't run away from this. You have to face the fact that you are halfway through your pregnancy, and the baby is gonna be here before you know it.

Amy:
But Mom, I can't find a job, and I don't know anything about having a baby or raising a child! And I can't go to school and go to work and be a mother!

Anne:
But you can run over here and have someone else raise your child so you can go to school and then come back here and be a mother when it's convenient?

Grace:
You can't get married. It's your first date!

Tom:
We can't get married?

Grace:
You don't know her, Tom.

Tammy:
I don't know him, either.

Tom:
We don't care about that.

Grace:
You don't care that you don't know her and she doesn't know you? You don't know each other!

Tammy:
How many ways can she say the same thing?

Amy:
I think I'm going to start a business.

Ashley:
What kind of business?

Amy:
I don't know. Just some business.

Ashley:
To start some business, don't you need some money? I know... shut up.

Ricky:
(to Adrian) No pity, okay? I don't need pity. It will change the sex.

Anne:
I also found out today that you're trying to get money for Amy's baby, so I don't know. Maybe it's the doctor's appointment or everything else that's happening, but that news just kind of upset me.

Bob:
Well, it's not just her baby. There's a father, and that's my son, so it's actually your daughter's baby and my son's baby. So who knows? Maybe someday, we'll be in-laws.

Anne:
We are never gonna be in-laws, and you're not gonna go anywhere near my daughter or your son or their baby. You got that? Because if you do, if you go near him or her, or the baby, you're gonna regret it.

Bob:
Really? Regret it, you say?

Anne:
Listen to me. I'm a woman on the verge. My 15-year-old daughter is having a baby. My husband's having an affair. I'm getting a divorce after 16 years of marriage. I've got to get a job, and my mom has Alzheimer's, and I can't take it anymore. I can't take it like if one more bad thing happens to me, like if I find out you're sending couples over to try to adopt the baby, and you're somehow making money off of it.

Bob:
So what are you saying, Anne? Are you saying...are you threatening me? It's not nice to threaten people.

Anne:
I'm not threatening you. I don't even know how to threaten a man like you. But I figure you're afraid of me. I figure you're afraid of everything and everyone, because what kind of a man hits his own wife and child? I'll tell you what kind. A coward. What kind of a man preys on innocent children? A coward. That's right. You're a coward. I bet you get high so you can forget that, but you're a coward. Am I right?

Adrian:
Ricky, please! This is as close as I've ever felt to you. Tonight, in there! Just talk to me, please!

Ricky:
I don't feel like talking to you! It's personal!

Adrian:
More personal than sex?!?!

Ricky:
Yeah, a lot more personal than sex!

Adrian:
Come on, Ricky! Look, just don't run away tonight, okay? Just talk to me. Just tell me what this is about. You can tell me.

Ricky:
I can't.

Adrian:
You can if you want. I'm not gonna tell anyone. Whatever it is, I'm not gonna say anything. Don't you know me better than that by now?

Ricky:
You don't know me, either.

Adrian:
Well, then, let's get to know each other.

Ricky:
You want to get to know me? You want to know who I am? The reason I'm in foster care is not just because my dad smacked me around and smacked my mom around. It's not just because they were both drug addicts and abandoned me over and over again! It's because my dad used to come home after a long day of hanging out and getting high to teach me a little lesson in how hard it is to be a man in this world!

Amy:
I am not feeling sorry for myself! I'm doing the responsible thing by trying to find two adults who can provide my baby with a stable home and a loving family!

Ashley:
If you had done the responsible thing six months ago.

Amy:
Ashley, what's your point?

Ashley:
My point is that I hope you don't make the same mistake twice. Not that you could, exactly.

Amy:
What is wrong with you? I'm not interested in Ricky! I don't want to talk to him. I have to talk to him. He has to go along with the adoption, or there's no sense in even interviewing couples.

Ashley:
And if he doesn't go along with it?

Amy:
Then I'll just drop out get a full-time, put the baby in daycare, and embrace teen motherhood. Sound good to you?

Ashley:
You're so dramatic.

Amy:
I'm pregnant. I'm 15!

Ashley:
Yeah, yeah. You're pregnant, and you're 15. You're not the only pregnant teenager in the world, so stop feeling so sorry for yourself.

Amy:
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm doing the responsible thing by trying to find two adults who could provide my baby with a stable home and a loving family.

Grace:
(to Adrian) You're the 'b' word!

Adrian:
Oh, the 'b' word? What's the 'b' word, Grace?

Grace:
You know what the 'b' word is, Adrian, because that's what you are.

Adrian:
Say it!

Grace:
No, I'm not gonna say it, I'm gonna say something else.

Adrian:
What, a prayer? Are you gonna say a prayer you little bible thumping two-faced virgin?!

Grace:
Yeah, maybe I will (puts hands together like she is praying) God, help Adrian, because she's a bitch!

Anne:
I got a job today.

Amy:
You're kidding me!

Anne:
No, I'm not kidding you. And they like me so much that they're letting me have an assistant. You speak Spanish, right?

Amy:
Right.

Anne:
Okay, well, we better go, because we start at 3:30.

Amy:
We start what at 3:30?

Anne:
Our job. Come on, let's go. I'll tell you about it in the car.

Amy:
Mom, I've had a really long day. I just ate four $5 chocolate bars, and I don't feel too well. Maybe we could start tomorrow.

Anne:
$20 worth of chocolate? You're gonna have to work at least three hours for that, and maybe more, after taxes.

Ben:
(to Ricky) So who's your second choice if you don't get Amy and/or the baby? I mean, I know you're used to getting what you want, but let's just say this time, you don't. Who you gonna go after? Adrian? Oh no, that's right. Adrian's in love with her brother right now. So what about Grace? Grace isn't gonna marry you. She's probably gonna become a doctor. She'll probably marry a doctor. I mean, she's a doctor's daughter, so she's a little out of your league, don't you think? Oh, and by the way, if you and Amy don't find a couple to adopt the baby, you're gonna be paying child support for the next 18 years. How you gonna do that? I mean, you don't just get to call yourself the daddy without being financially responsible for the child. Think about that. Child support every month for the next 18 years. So if you're just using the baby as a way to get to Amy, just keep in mind that's gonna cost you. But you know that, right? You shouldn't take things you can't pay for, Ricky.

Amy:
No time for waffles. We're gonna be late for school! And by the way, Ashley, yogurt is much healthier than chocolate chip waffles.

Ashley:
The pregnant girl's concerned about being tardy?

Amy:
Yes. And I'm concerned about your health.

Ashley:
Well, until and unless I'm living in your stomach, leave my health to me.

Amy:
Do you really think I don't care about my baby?

Ashley:
No. You care too much, yet not enough.

Amy:
What does that mean?

George:
Something good, right Ash?

Ashley:
You care enough to take care of the baby before he's born, but you don't care enough to take care of him after that?

Amy:
I can't! Someone else has to do that. Why can't you understand that?

Ashley:
I can't understand it, and I don't think the baby will understand it when he grows up, either.

Amy:
This is not some weird group project, Ashley. This is a human being, and I am responsible for this human being. He's my son. I have to do the right thing. I have to do what's best for him. I have to find him a home.

Ashley:
Think about yourself. Think about doing the best thing for yourself, because maybe it's the best thing for you and your baby to stay together.

Amy:
I can't think about that, because it's not...it can't be.

Ashley:
Why can't it? Why do you insist on believing that this is a bad thing that happened? Because that's what other people think? Please listen to me, Amy. Please. I know you want to be in the band, but it's not the band that's important to you. It's music. You love music, and you can still play your French horn when the baby comes. And I know school is important to you, but really, isn't it education that's important? You'll get the education that you want somehow, Amy. I know you will, because you're smart. You've always been smart, so you'll figure out school. You'll figure out a way, and you'll find some work, something where you can earn some money. You can do this, Amy. You really can. It's possible that this baby's a good thing for all of us. It's possible that we can all learn how to live from this and be happy. Come on. so Mimsy has Alzheimer's, and Mom and Dad are getting a divorce, and the family's splitting up, and you got pregnant the first time you had sex. So what? Maybe it's all good. Maybe if it isn't, let's just say it is.

Amy:
When did you move away from the dark side?

Ashley:
As soon as I could.

Anne:
Amy, I know that you want to keep the baby. I can feel it, and while I don't know how I feel about you taking on motherhood at 15 years old, I think that you could do it, if that's what you really wanted. And that's what I told Reverend Stone today.

Amy:
(hugs her) I got a job! A job with insurance and daycare, and Ben got a job, and Ricky got a job, and everyone wants to help, Mom. Everyone. I think I can do it, if only you'll let me do it. Will you? Will you let me keep the baby? I'll be a good mom. I promise I will.

Anne:
Of course, Amy. Of course you can, and I will help you as much as I can. But Amy, this is going to be your baby, and you have to take care of him, and it's not gonna be easy.

Amy:
(crying) Thank you. Thank you! I know that I can be a good mom, because I've got the best mom in the whole world.

Shana:
Are you the slut that had oral sex with Jack and broke him up with his girlfriend?

Grace:
Oh no! No, no, no. This is, um, the slut's condo, but I'm just answering the door.

Amy:
Why do we keep hiding things from Mom?

George:
Because it's fun, and because she reacts badly to almost everything, and because it's good practice for all the other things I'll have to keep from her when I move out of here.

Amy:
(about Madison not getting invited to the baby shower) I'll call Adrian. I'm sure it was an oversight.

Madison:
Really? It didn't have anything to do with all the stuff we said about Ben?

Lauren:
Madison!

Madison:
Well, we don't think he's pretentious. We don't care that he has a driver.

Lauren:
Right. He's a great guy.

Madison:
Yeah, and we don't care that he's taking you away from us, or that you love him more than you love us. We don't feel like you've tossed us away at all.

Amy:
Madison, I didn't know you felt that way about Ben...until now.

Madison:
My point is that we don't.

Anne (to Amy):
It's okay. It's all gonna be okay.

Amy:
No, it's not gonna be okay! I'm starving, and I'm kind of scared!

Anne:
Yeah, I know. It's scary giving birth, but it's okay. I'm gonna be here. I'll be here the whole time. And think of it this way. The flip side of fear is excitement, so let's get excited. What are you gonna name him?

Amy:
What am I gonna name the baby? I'm going to name the baby?

Anne:
Well, yeah. Who else do you think's gonna name the baby?

Amy:
I don't know. I'm a minor. I thought maybe you and Dad? I mean, I thought I'd suggest a few names, but really, a name is a serious thing. He's gonna be stuck with it his whole life, and now is not the time for me to be coming up with some name. I'm busy here. I can't think of anything other than that burger, and I just don't see how this is gonna work. I mean, how do we even know I have a birth canal? (Anne can hardly believe what she's just said) What? I don't know anything about anything, other than the French horn!

Doctor (to Amy):
The thing is, we don't want to give you the epidural too soon.

Amy:
Yeah. I'm worried about too late!

Doctor:
I've done this before, you know. I bet I know just about the perfect time.

Amy:
Yeah, well, I guess you do know better than me since I never went to that stupid, stupid class.

Doctor:
Hey, that anger is good, useful energy, and it might speed things along. You feel free to let it go. I'll let your mom know it's gonna be a little while longer.

Amy:
She's the one who didn't make me go to that class when I should have!

Doctor:
Yeah. Just like that. Let it go.

Ashley:
So, how's my little nephew? What's his name?

Amy:
You know what? Why don't you name him? You're the one who talked me into keeping him. Go ahead, Ashley. You have the honor. And do it quickly before Mom and Dad get in here and want to help.

Ashley:
I may have talked you into keeping him, but hey, you're the one who's really going to be keeping him, so...John.

Amy:
I like John. Do we know a John? Why John?

Ashley:
It goes with Juergens. John Juergens.

Amy:
Yeah. It goes with Boykevich, as well.

Ashley:
Yeah, go with John. He needs a nice, clean, simple name. That kid's life will be complicated enough.

George:
(while waiting for Amy to give birth) If this were 50 years ago, I'd be in a nearby bar, having a drink and waiting for a phone call.

Ashley:
If this was 50 years ago, Amy would be in a home, and we'd be saying she's at special music college in the Midwest.

George:
Yeah. We would have made your mom wear a pillow for nine months. Then she would have given birth suddenly while we were on vacation in the Midwest. Oh, those were the good old days.

Ashley:
Ah, yes. The Era of Shame. Too bad we missed that one, huh?

Anne:
What are you doing?

Amy:
What do you think? Heating up formula.

Anne:
Oh, not that way. No, that will make it way too hot. Why don't you just run another bottle under the hot water faucet?

Amy:
Do you want to do it?

Anne:
No, you can do it. Oh, the doctor said the lactation nurse is gonna come by and see you later this afternoon. She said she's sorry she missed you at the hospital.

Amy:
What's she gonna do to me?

Anne:
She's gonna help you learn how to breast feed. (Amy is still holding the bottle) Come on. You should at least try.

Amy:
Can't you do it for me?

Anne:
I did do it for you. Now it's your turn. (smiles and hugs her) Oh, and David Johnson's gonna come by, because I didn't want to leave you to go to him.

Amy:
Wait. The architect?

Anne:
Mm-hmm.

Amy:
You're working the day after the baby's born? Don't you think that's a little soon?

Anne:
Amy, I don't get maternity leave, and I just got this job. Life goes on.

Amy:
Life does go on. Life is going on right now in my room. (choking up) His name is John, and he doesn't care if his bottle goes in the microwave, and...I'm tired.

Anne:
Okay, Amy. Why don't you go back to bed? I'll make this bottle.