The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, Season 1

London:
Good news!

Maddie:
Me too!

London:
Me first: I got a D+ in math!

Maddie:
[excited] That's good news!!!!! I am very proud of you

London:
Yeah! Thanks to you, I passed. My daddy got me a plasma screen TV!

Maddie:
Wow, all I get when I get an A+ is an extra slice of pie.

London:
Is that your good news?

Maddie:
No, I took your advice and broke up with Lance. I was blunt... I was direct... and if I do say so myself I was pretty darn mean!

London:
So I learned something from you and you learned something from me!

Maddie:
Yeah! And now you have a plasma TV and... I don't have a boyfriend.

London:
So everybody's happy!

Maddie:
I can't believe I'm going out with him again!

London:
I can't believe I might have to wear plaid!

Maddie:
Teach me to be mean!

London:
Teach me to be smart!

Both:
Help me!

Zack:
I mean, this is probably the most boring hotel, in the history of boring hotels!

[A wave of girls walk in]

Cody:
Oh Zack [Points to girls]

Zack:
I love this hotel!

Cody:
None of them have even noticed me.

[Bumps into Rebecca]

Rebecca:
Hi my name is Rebecca.

Cody:
Stammers

Rebecca:
I'm sorry, I don't speak Vietnamese.

Cody:
I meant, do you need some help with your bags?

Rebecca:
That's very nice of you but I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Cody:
Oh it's ok, I'm not that strange except when I get really nervous I can't stop talking which is odd because I'm aware of it and you'd think I'd know better but for some strange reason...

Rebecca:
Alrighty then!

Maddie:
I hate beauty pageants.

Carey:
I know. I never won one, either.

Maddie:
The point is, people award girls for being shallow, plastic robots. What kind of superficial airhead thinks that's cool?

[London enters wearing a beauty pageant sash.]

London:
Isn't this cool?

Maddie:
Oh, that kind.

Carey:
[to Cody] Are you wearing lipstick?

Zack:
That's what the fight was about. I put it on him while he was taking a nap.

Carey:
[to Zack] That wasn't very nice! [turns to Cody] And that's not your shade.

Carey:
Zack, why are you wearing a skirt?

Zack:
I did it so we could win money for bikes.

Carey:
Oh, thank goodness.

Maddie:
You recycle?

Jason:
Sure, bottles, cans, everything.

Maddie:
Since when?

Jason:
Since my father bought Oregon and started chopping down trees. You ever heard of Octicorp?

Maddie:
The center of all evil?

Jason:
That's Dad!

Maddie:
Uh, I protest against them.

Jason:
Me too!

Maddie:
[excited] I got dragged off by a cop!

Jason:
I got grounded for two weeks!

Jason:
So uh.. I guess I should say goodbye. Or, uh... you could invite me into your suite?

Maddie:
[dreamy] My sweet what? Oh, my suite! In the hotel where I live because I'm rich.

Zack:
First, we get you an imperial suite.

Maddie:
Do you know how much they cost?

Cody:
Aww, she thought we're gonna pay.

Zack:
Aww, that's sweet. No, we don't pay here, baby.

Zack:
Boy, if I were 5 years older, 2 feet taller.

Cody:
I'd be squashed!

Mrs. Harrington:
I think it's so nice that this wonderful young girl lets a struggling singer and her two twin boys live in her suite.

Carey:
[fakes a smile] It's so much nicer than the mini-van we used to live in.

Cody:
Is there a hall of fame for this kind of stuff?

Mr. Moseby:
Yes, it's called prison.

London:
Gloss me.

Zack:
Sorry, we're watching the counter for Maddie. We're not allowed to accept money, make change or touch any of the merchandise.

London:
Is there anything you can do?

Cody:
I can shove 12 gummy worms up my nose. You wanna see?

London:
I recycle too.

Kyle:
Really?

London:
I wore these pearls yesterday.

Mr. Harrington:
Fabulous view. You can see the park from here.

Jason:
Yes, that's what trees look like before you cut them down.

Maddie:
I'm not rich. I work at the hotel as a candy counter girl.

Mr. Harrington:
I knew she wasn't rich. She's too nice.

Maddie:
[crying] Look, I really don't feel like talking.

Carey:
Ok. [hugs her] Then I'll talk, and you listen. Honey, you really shouldn't have lied to Jason in the first place.

Maddie:
I know, but I just thought he wouldn't like me because we come from two separate worlds. I mean, he comes from champagne and caviar and I come from beer and pretzels!

[Elevator door opens with a man looking to get in]

Carey:
I'm sorry, could you please take the next elevator?

[He seemingly doesn't understand her and gets in anyway much to Carey's chagrin]

Maddie:
I'm such a doofus and now Jason will hate me!

Carey:
No, you don't know that. And you're not giving yourself very much credit either.

Maddie:
I know. I'm such a doofus!

Carey:
Stop saying that! Here- [turns to the man in the elevator] May I?

[Carey takes his handkerchief and gives it to Maddie to dry her eyes]

Carey:
You shouldn't sell yourself short. And I bet if you give Jason half a chance, he'll tell you the same thing.

Maddie:
You think so?

Carey:
I know so.

Maddie:
(to London) So we get to meet Usher?

London:
Sweetie, Usher gets to meet us.

Zack:
So, is the evil hotel inspector gone yet?

Ilsa:
No, she's right here.

Zack:
Whoa! What's that on your face? [Carey covers Zack's mouth.]

Moseby:
It's a beauty mark!

Cody:
But it has a hair on it! [Carey covers Cody's mouth.]

Carey:
It's a good thing I don't have triplets! I've run out of hands.

Cody:
Thanks for the Red Sox tickets, Mr. Moesby!

Zack:
Yeah, we know they're usually reserved for guests, so-

Ilsa:
Oh! Ignores guest needs for friends?

Mr. Moesby:
They're not my friends.

Ilsa:
Ignores guest needs for strangers?

Moseby:
Esteban, I want gift baskets for all these guests immediately. Oh, and some catnip for our feline friends.

Esteban:
For you, anything! (He looks at Ilsa) And for you, bubkes!

Zack:
I just wanted to say that the rat thing was not Mr. Moseby's fault. It was my fault.

Ilsa:
Well, that changes things.

Zack:
Really?

Ilsa:
No!

Carey:
Mr. Moseby's just doing his job. He needs to keep this hotel running smooth and you tend to be un-smooth.

Cody:
Yeah, un-smooth like when Mom doesn't shave her legs for 2 weeks.

Esteban:
Mr. Moesby! The hotel inspector will be here any minute for the surprise inspection!

Moesby:
How is it a surprise inspection if they sent a fax?

Esteban:
Because they sent the fax 2 weeks ago and I forgot to give to you! Surprise!

Ilsa:
Get this mutt off of me!

London:
(monotone) Stop. Bad dog. No.

Zack:
Man, I never thought I'd miss Moseby.

Muriel:
(about Ilsa) Yeah, she's a real witch. I'd love to vacuum off that mole!

Maddie:
I've rearranged the candy counter. Now tell me, what draws your eye?

Zack:
You do, sweet thang!

Maddie:
Please. Some of this candy is older than you.

Waiter:
Room service! Somebody ordered the "I'm sorry for what we did last night" buffet.

Carey:
Eggs benedict with caviar?!

Cody:
Must be a mistake.

Zack:
We ordered toast and a raisin.

Carey:
You guys are bleeding me dry here!

Waiter:
Oh! [chuckles] My mistake. This is meant for the other mommy with twins on the 23rd floor. [He leaves]

Carey:
I-I'm sorry, I didn't, I mean, they...

Moseby:
D'I- I understand. Children sometimes can be a burden.

Carey:
You have kids?

Moseby:
No, and after seeing yours, not gonna happen!

Carey:
(to the twins) Anything you want you've got it.

Cody:
Get us into the wedding.

Carey:
Except that. You're grounded, remember?

Zack:
You meant that?

Carey:
I'm trying to do the right thing.

Zack:
Okay. Looks like we're going to find a way into that wedding ourselves.

Cody:
Forget it. There is no way you are talking me into another one of your idiotic schemes.

(When Zach and London are in the air vent)

London:
Man, it stinks in here.

Zack:
Sorry.

(When Maddie and Cody are in the air vent)

Maddie:
I just wanted to make a little money so a could buy myself a few nice things, because some of us have to work and don't get sent to Paris as a punishment for breaking into Johnny Ripp's dressing room. Man, it stinks in here!

Cody:
Sorry.

Zack:
(about Maddie) Baby's got it going on! (Makes a shape of an hourglass "body" with his hands)

Carey:
She's got what going where?

Zack:
I don't know what I am saying.

Carey:
We may live in a palace, but we are not royalty.

Zack:
I think you're a queen, Mommy.

Carey:
Aww.. put a sock in it.

Zack:
(about Maddie) What is she doing here?!

Maddie:
Saving your butt before I kick it.

Zack:
Is that a threat or a promise?

London:
When I inherit this hotel, you are so fired!

Maddie:
Please! You'll be too busy getting facelifts!

Carey:
Serge, you know, that poem you wrote me was so lovely, I wrote a little something for you. "Violets are Blue. Roses are Red. My boys were right. Go soak your head."

Cody:
Did you see how those flowers made Mom smile?

Zack:
Yeah, it's great. If she has a boyfriend, she'll be so busy being all girly with him, she'll leave us alone!

Cody:
And she'll be happy...

Zack:
And we'd be able to play that video game!

Cody:
And she'll be happy.

Zack:
And we won't have to make our beds!

Cody:
And she'll be HAPPY!

Zack :
You're so selfish! Can't you think of anything besides mom's happiness?

Zack:
Mom, guess what? We're gonna be on TV!

Carey:
What did you set on fire?!

Mr. Moseby:
Esteban, I need you.

Esteban:
When I am good and ready!

Mr. Moseby:
WHAT did you say?

Esteban:
Now I am good and ready!

Cody:
Hey, Max!

Max:
Hey, Cody! Where's Zack?

Cody:
I'm Zack. Hey there, sweet thang!

Max:
He hurt himself, didn't he?

Cody:
Yep.

Carey:
(about doing stand-up comedy at her school talent show) So anyway, I'm up there on stage, no one's laughing, and I panicked. So I started to sing. You know what happened?

Cody:
They started laughing?

Zack:
I'm a guy with mature interests.

Maddie:
Such as?

Zack:
Politics... Culture... PG-13 movies...

Maddie:
Uh, London, do you think you could talk to Moseby about getting the ballroom for our prom?

London:
Sure.

Jeff:
Thank you! You are awesome!

London:
Oh I KNOW, I love helping the poor and needy.

Mary:
We are not a charity.

London:
Have you seen what you're wearing?

Zack:
(to Cody) Did you hear that? Maddie wants me to dance with her at the prom. I better practice my kissing.

Cody:
Don't look at me.

London:
I don't like this tangerine!

Maddie:
No, that is a Tam-bo-rine! A tangerine is what the audience is gonna throw at you!

Max:
Will you guys stop fighting?

Cody:
We are not fighting, we are having a creative discussion.

Zack:
We are too fighting.

Cody:
Creative discussion!

Zack:
Fight!

Cody:
Discussion!

Max:
I can't believe you guys are having a fight about if you're having a fight!

Zack:
And we're also 12 and cute!

Maddie:
Well I'm 15 and hot!

Max:
Everyone knows nothing rhymes with orange.

Tapeworm:
Oh yeah? What about "snorange"?

Max:
Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

Cody:
You got pudding in my whistle!

Tapeworm:
And you got whistle in my pudding!

Cody:
Zachary!

Zack:
Codery!

Cody:
I can't understand the words. What I wrote is, "I missed the bus as it came around."

Zack:
Who cares? It's just a silly song.

Cody:
Silly song? John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is a silly song! "School's Out" is an expose of the trials and tribulations andemoned to the public school experience!

Zack:
[Turns to Max] Do you know what he just said?

Max:
Yeah, he never gets girls.

Tapeworm:
What do we do? We're next, and Zack and Cody still aren't here.

Max:
We'll do what all great rock stars do.

Tapeworm:
Trash a hotel room?

Zack:
Well, at least that's two things we agree on.

Cody:
Wanna agree on something else? If we don't get out of here, we won't have any chances of winning!

Zack:
I agree.

Cody:
Yeah I agree.

Zack:
Ok, stop agreeing, you're annoying me now.

Carey:
Did I ever tell you about when I was in my first band?

Zack:
Yes.

Carey:
And how we couldn't work together and eventually broke up?

Zack:
Yes. And then your boyfriend stole your car and ran off with your best friend...

Carey:
Yeah, yeah, okay. And what did we learn from that story?

Zack:
You need to pick better men?

Carey:
You guys have never been apart, not ever.

Zack:
Except for the first ten minutes when Cody wasn't born. Those were the days.

Zack:
I know he's having a miserable time. We have twin telepathy. It's like my brain is receiving phone calls from him.

Carey:
Well, I think you have a bad connection. Hang up.

Zack:
Uh, uh. I can sense these things. Remember when Cody broke his leg and I sensed it?

Carey:
That's because you fell on him and broke it.

Moseby:
[to London] Why not? I helped you take your first steps across this very lobby!

London:
In designer booties!

Moseby:
I helped you roller skate and learn to ride a bike...

London:
You're in our family album more than my father or any of his ex-wives!

Carey:
We're probably in more danger here than he is there. [a car starting is then heard]

Moseby:
[to London, outside] FORWARD, NOT REVERSE! [he and London then crash into the room]

Zack:
Why do I have to ride the hump?

Maddie:
Well, you could have driven back with Muriel in the other car.

Zack:
Did I mention how much I love the hump?

Carey:
Well, I hope you love your room, because that's where you're going to be until you're old enough to drive!

London:
Daddy bought me a car to practice on. My friend Porscha is going to teach me.

Moseby:
Do you mean the young lady who drove her father's yacht through piers 10, 11, and 12?

London:
She was putting on sunscreen.

Carey:
Zack, you're gonna miss your brother, too, aren't ya?

Zack:
Like a slow-healing scab.

[Zack is trying to call Cody about getting a high-score on a video game he was playing]

Cody:
[on cell phone answering machine] Hi. This is Cody using my mother's cellphone. Leave a message, and remember: numbers are your friend.

Zack:
Why don't you ever answer this thing?!

Moseby:
[about Cody going to math camp] Ooh. Sounds like heaven. Your going as well?

Zack:
No way! I told the teacher you couldn't pay me to spend 2 weeks with a bunch of math geeks.

Cody:
Was that before or after you flunked your math test?

Zack:
I'll have you know, I flunked that math test purposely just to get away from you.

Cody:
Oh yeah? And who are you avoiding with your "D" in English?

[Zack starts chasing Cody]

Moseby:
Okay, first thing's first. Have you adjusted your mirrors?

London:
All three of them. And I can see myself perfectly.

Moseby:
No no no they're not for vanity. Your rear-view mirrors are for seeing the view to your rear.

[London looks at her butt]

Moseby:
Not your behind, behind you.

London:
But I won't be able to see myself having fun.

Moseby:
Driving a motor vehicle is not fun, it's serious business. Have you buckled your seat-belt?

London:
I was going to, but this outfit just wrinkles so easily so I thought-

Moseby:
Just do it.

London:
But my outfit-

Moseby:
IT'S THE LAW.

Moseby:
Are you familiar with the gear shift?

London:
You mean the PRNDL? [PRNDL pronounced "prindle]

Moseby:
The what?

London:
The PRNDL.

Moseby:
Are you referring to the shift lever that says P-R-N-D-L?

London:
I'm not a child Moseby, I know how to spell PRNDL.

Moseby:
It's not something that you spell, it is a gear shift. The letters stand for Park, Reverse, Neutral, Drive, and Low!!

London:
You're making me nervous with all this technical talk.

Moseby:
Oh! I'm sorry, Why don't we just relax, turn on the radio. Would you like AMMM or FMMMM?!

Tapeworm:
I have a calculator that runs on moonlight.

London:
Oh, let's find out how rich I am!

London:
Maddie, guess where moi is off to?

Maddie:
Hopefully French class to learn another word than "moi".

London:
No. I'm going to the D.M.V. to get my learner's permit.

Maddie:
You're gonna learn to drive?!

London:
Oh, it's easy! I've been watching my chauffeur do it for years! But I have to pass their silly test first! Here. [puts a packet on the counter] Quiz me, candy girl.

Maddie:
Okay. Oh, here's one. [reading from the packet] "When is it acceptable to park near a red curb?"

London:
Well, if I'm wearing green, never. It would clash! Oh, unless it's Christmas!

Maddie:
You're gonna do great! GO!

London:
Moseby, have you heard the good news?

Moseby:
Yes. One of the twins is gone for 2 weeks. It's like falling in love.

Zack:
I've got to get up to that camp!

London:
Oh! I can drive you!

Maddie:
What?!

London:
I'll show Moseby how well I can do without him! C'mon!

Maddie:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there, big girl! You just drove through a building!

London:
But there are no buildings on the highway.

Maddie:
True, but there are other cars and big trucks, and the occasional cute deer! This is not a good idea.

Zack:
You're not going to tell anyone are you?

Maddie:
Well only if you do it.

Zack:
GRAB HER!!!

[Zach and London grab Maddie and drag her out the door past Esteban]

London:
You saw nothing!

Esteban:
Okay, have fun!

Maddie:
Now Muriel, are you sure you have a valid license?

Muriel:
Oh, loosen up sweetcheeks you're bumming us out!

Zack:
London, can't you drive any faster than 20 miles per hour?!

London:
Why?

Maddie:
Because we're on an interstate and people are passing us on bicycles.

London:
I just want to get there and back in one piece!

Zack:
I just wanna get there and back before I'm 30!

Muriel:
[when the police pulls them over] Uh-oh! It's the fuzz! Everyone act natural.

Maddie:
How does someone who was forced in the middle of the night to drive down a busy interstate at 10 miles an hour act natural?!

Muriel:
You can start by shutting your yap!

Police Officer:
Excuse me, miss?

London:
Officer, what's the matter? It's not like I was speeding.

Police Officer:
I'll say! Usually when I pull over sports cars it's cause they're going too fast. But to catch you I had to down-shift into first.

Muriel:
She's still learning how to drive so give her a break flat foot!

Police Officer:
Tell you what, since you're a beginner I'll let you off with a warning. But driving slow can be dangerous too so in the future, go faster.

Muriel:
Don't worry, I'm teaching her. Floor it baby!!

Muriel:
Oh, I love the rush of the road, the wind in my hair.

Maddie:
How about the bugs in your teeth?!

Muriel:
Well, if you'd keep your yap shut like I told you to, you wouldn't have that problem!

Carey:
Esteban, have you seen Zack? I've looked all over for him.

Esteban:
Zack? Zack who? Look at the time! [tries to walk away]

Carey:
Esteban, do you like nature films?

Esteban:
Oh, I love nature films.

Carey:
[angrily] Have you ever seen the one about what a mother bear would do to protect her cubs?!

Esteban:
London is driving him up to Math Camp with Maddie and Muriel! Don't eat me!

Carey:
Moesby, Zack took off for math camp!

Moseby:
Splendid now they're both gone! It's like falling in love again!

Carey:
You don't understand! London is driving.

Moseby:
Oh no!

Carey:
Oh yeah!

Moseby:
They shouldn't be too hard to find! We'll just look for the car that's driving in reverse.

Carey:
Isn't he the worst!? On the way up here he actually criticized my driving while HE was driving!!

Maddie:
Well in all fairness to London I have to say, even though I was being held against my will - and my lawyers will be in touch - she did a pretty good job driving up here.

Moseby:
I suppose I have a slight tendency to be a bit critical.

Zack:
Suppose?!

Maddie:
Slight?!

Carey:
Tendency?!

London:
A bit?!

Moseby:
Okay! Okay! I'm sorry London.

London:
It's okay Moseby. [takes her hands off the wheel to hug him]

Everyone:
HANDS ON THE WHEEL!!!

Moseby:
[to London] How bout we give it a go?

London:
You got it. I'll meet you at the crack of noon.

Cody:
We'll catch them on tv. Now give me the tape. [Zack gives Cody a video.] I can't use this! This is my first pony ride!

Zack:
Fine. I'll get the tape of Mom potty-training us.

[After learning that there is no treasure]

Esteban:
Now I'll never own this hotel.

Maddie:
And I'll never be the President.

Cody:
I'll never win the Nobel Prize.

Zack:
I'll never marry Maddie.

London:
On the bright side, I'm still rich. Yay, me!

Carey:
Have you seen my kids?

Moseby:
No. Have you seen my employees?

Carey:
No.

Moseby:
I have a bad feeling about this.

Carey:
Me, too, but let's stay calm. I'm sure my kids are fine and your hotel is in one piece [hears explosion] or pieces.

Moseby:
This painting has been hanging in the Tipton for nearly a hundred years.

Zack:
Oh good, now you can buy a new one!

Moseby:
Old is good.

Cody:
And that's what makes you great!

Esteban:
Oh, Mr. Moseby, forgive us. Back home they would tie my arms and legs to four goats and send them off in different directions... It is also what they do for the people with bad backs!

London:
I wonder what my life would be like if I found the money... [starts into dream sequence, but then fades out almost immediately] Oh. It would be the same! Yay!

Esteban:
[in a dream sequence] Attention guests of Hotel Esteban; it's salsa time! [everyone in the hotel starts dancing to salsa music]

Mr. Moseby:
Your father has to stay incognito.

London:
Where is Cognito?

Mr. Moseby:
In hiding.

London:
Where is Hiding?

London:
Just because I have no money, the bank stops being nice to me?

Mr. Moseby:
Shocking, isn't it?

London:
[about to try to make breakfast cereal] Which goes first, the milk or the cereal?

Zack:
It doesn't matter; as long as you remember the bowl.

Muriel:
My doctor says I should stay away from chocolates... and younger men.

London:
Aren't you supposed to be working?

Muriel:
What's your point?

London:
So Todd really wanted to kiss me?

Maddie:
No, he wanted to kiss the plant!

London:
Why would he want to kiss the plant?

Maddie:
He doesn't. He wants to kiss you!

London:
So Todd really wanted to kiss me?

Maddie:
It's a special night. Don't make me slap you.

Cody:
[to Zack] I don't need anymore of your help! Just keep out of my way and stay over there.[flour is flicked into Zack's face]

Zack:
Did you just flick flour into my face?

Cody:
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

Zack:
[flicks flour into Cody's face in retaliation] Well maybe I flicked some back, and maybe I didn't.

Cody:
[calmly] I know you didn't, because if you did, I'd do this! [cracks an egg over Zack's egg, the yolk running over his head] And that is how you separate an egg!

Zack:
And this is how you separate a pie from its pan. [pies Cody in the face and runs off, with Cody chasing him into the lobby]

Cody:
[holding a pie] Come back here and take this banana creme pie like a man!

Moseby:
He wouldn't! [Cody throws the pie at Zack, who ducks. The pie ends up hitting a socialite in the face] He would!

Carey:
Cody, do you have anything to say to your brother?

Cody:
[to Zack] I'm sorry I flicked flour in your face.

Carey:
Zack?

Zack:
[to Cody] I'm sorry you're my brother.

Carey:
[sternly] Zack.

Zack:
I'm sorry I worked you like a packmule. I was only thinking about the money. Lots and lots of money, bagloads of money-!

Carey:
Zack!

Zack:
Sorry.

Cody:
I didn't mind you making money off of my cooking. I just need some time to get it right... and 40% of the profits.

Zack:
30%.

Cody:
Done. [the two spit-shake]

Carey:
Okay, but I get 10% of both of your cuts.

Zack and Cody:
Done. [attempt to do the spit-shake with Carey]

Carey:
It's not worth it.

Maddie:
Okay, where did this ridiculous rumor start? Zack, who told you?

Zack:
It was Cody!

Cody:
It was Muriel!

Muriel:
It was Esteban!

Esteban:
It was London! Oh, I curse these lips that cannot keep themselves sealed! I know! I will hold them together to keep from spreading rumors again!

Maddie:
How would you feel if people were spreading rumors about you?

London:
Hey, every time I'm in the paper, my social life just gets better and better.

Maddie:
Yeah? Well, my social life is going down the tubes because Chuck heard your lie and dumped me!

London:
Oh, honey, I heard a rumor he was gonna dump you anyway.

London:
I want whoever it was to be thrown into the Tipton dungeon.

Moseby:
We don't have a dungeon, but I can have him fired.

London:
From a cannon?

Cody:
[after presenting his newly dyed hair] Now people won't mistake me for Zack.

Zack:
Although they might mistake you for Muriel!

Cody:
What's so funny? Aaah! (His hair is red) Oh no! The box said it would be a honey mist auburn!

Zack:
Oh honey, you missed auburn big time!

Patrick:
Here are your menus. Would you like some crayons?

Carey:
[singing] I recommend the Crême Brulée!

Patrick:
[singing] I recommend you go away!

London:
Don't worry. I'll get us in there to see him rehearse. After all, he's a celebrity. I'm a celebrity. We're first celebrities once removed.

Moseby:
You go in there and you'll be removed.

Cody:
I've gotta win this science award. Then I can get into M.I.T. and invent a nanobot that eats oil spills and be able to retire comfortably while taking care of my aging mother and paying my brother's bail money.

Arwin:
Zack's in jail?

Cody:
Not yet.

Carey:
The point is it doesn't matter if you win. All that matters is you do your best.

Cody:
Well, my best isn't going to win me a Nobel Prize, pay for your nursing home, or get Zack out of jail.

Carey:
Zack's in jail!?

Cody and Arwin:
Not yet.

Zack:
You should know that there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I got D's in Math, English, and Social Studies.

Carey:
And what's the good news?

Zack:
I'm out of bad news.

London:
[picking up a chess piece] Maddie, what are these do-hickeys? Are they expensive, and do I want to buy them?

Maddie:
No, these are chess pieces. It's a game that's been played for 500,000 years.

London:
Well, then, someone should have won already.

Zack:
So dyslexic, I am?

Mr. Forgess:
Well, it like looks it--I mean, it looks like it.

Esteban:
I mean, we must help the poor, tormented ghostie cross over to a better place.

Maddie:
You mean like the St. Mark Hotel, where they'll pay overtime?

Esteban:
This is not a joking matter.

Maddie:
Obviously you've never seen my paycheck.

Maddie:
There's no such thing as ghosts.

London:
Wrong, as usual. I've seen this ghost. It was so scary, I dropped my new purse. And left it there!

Maddie:
With money in it?

London:
Oh, just the regular $1,000 bill every kid gets for an allowance... [Maddie, Zack and Cody suddenly bolt for the elevator.] Hey! Just 'cause I don't need it, doesn't mean it's not mine.

London:
The ghost stole my money. She is so dead!

Carey:
(to Cody) Honey, you do whatever you want, but there's no such thing as ghosts. If there were, my mother in-law would still be haunting me.

Zack:
Don't take this the wrong way. I'm going home to Mother.

Kurt:
That's what your mother said when she left me, and a few other things I can't mention.

Kurt:
Come on, have a sense of humor!

Carey:
I married you, didn't I?

Kurt:
There it is!

Carey:
(to Kurt after he, Cody and Zack watched a horror movie) You do realize that the last time Cody saw a horror film, I had to get rid of the monsters by scrubbing down his room with holy water.

Cody:
It worked.

Kurt:
I know you're mad.

Carey:
I was mad when you sold our car to buy a new guitar. I was mad when you came home from the playground with the wrong twins.

Kurt:
It was an honest mistake.

Carey:
They were girls.

Moseby:
Esteban, the hotel limo is just out front. See if the driver can make it to the airport. Free of charge, of course.

Zack:
You would really do that for us, Mr. Moseby?

Moseby:
Of course, Zack. I want you boys to have the best Christmas possible even if it means being far, far, far away from my hotel!

Maddie:
[after receiving London's gift, a badly knitted sweater] But I wanted a car... that would keep all of me warm.

London:
I made it with my own two hands.

Maddie:
It looks like you made it with your own two feet!

London:
I thought you'd be happy that I put so much effort into it. You're always accusing me of being superficial.

Maddie:
And you had to pick Christmas to become deep?

London:
It's just there are so many beautiful things out there to buy. How can you possibly resist them?

Maddie:
I have no money.

London:
Well, some of us aren't that lucky.

Moseby:
Speaking of all day shopping, I just received a fax from your father. He feels you've been spending too much money.

London:
That's ridiculous! I'm saving him money. Ivana's contact lenses? Second pair free!

Moseby:
London, I'm afraid your father is adamant.

London:
I thought his name was Wilfred.

Moseby:
...Yes, it is! What I'm saying is that he wants you to limit yourself to just buying the necessities. Good luck with that!

Maddie:
[looking at the fax] You know your dad seems pretty serious this time.

London:
What makes you think that?

Maddie:
Well he's capitalized and underlined "disinherit."

London:
[gasps] The "D" word!? [to Ivana] Don't worry snookums. Mommy won't let that happen to you.

Maddie:
Oh please. You couldn't go one hour without shopping.

London:
I can so! I can do anything! After all, I am the daughter of Adamant Tipton.

Maddie:
Wilfred.

London:
Whatever.

Maddie:
All right, all right. I'll help you. Give me your credit cards. [holds out her hand to accept them. London gives her one.] Mmmhmm... [London gives her another.] Mmmhmm...[London pulls a wallet full of credit cards out of her purse and gives it to Maddie. Maddie takes them and they all fall out.]

London:
Take care of my babies. They like to be taken out twice a day.

[Zack and Max reach for the same piece of cake]

Zack:
I'm not hungry.

Max:
Me neither

Carey:
What's going on?

Arwin:
Isn't it obvious? [whispers] They're not hungry!

London:
Yep. I've hit rock bottom. And I don't like rock bottom. It's so rock bottomy.

Arwin:
This cake is excellent, Carey. You're a great cook.

Carey:
Actually I bought it.

Arwin:
You're a great buyer of cakes.

Teen Trend Lady:
Good, London, good. Now give us a snobby look.

London:
I have about twenty different ones. Which one do you want?

Teen Trend Lady:
One that says "Only I can afford these clothes!"

London:
Ooh! Number seven! One of my favorites!

Teen Trend Lady:
Perfect. Now, that is a wrap!

London:
Actually, it's a really shiny scarf!

Carey:
You're using my son as a spy?

Maddie:
Oh, like you're using him for anything better.

Carey:
I actually cooked...for three hours!

Zack:
Not for me. I'm stuffed.

Cody:
Mom, do you ever find yourself feeling discouraged, unfulfilled, unappreciated?

Carey:
Not if you eat my casserole!

Cody:
Not gonna happen...

Mr. Moseby:
(to Cody) You may be the first motivational speaker ever to have his allowance taken away.

London:
Daddy always says, competition's a good thing. It's a chance to crush people.

Zack:
(about Troy Robbins) This guy just talks and talks and...

Cody:
It's a lecture.

London:
[to Maddie] Well, that was your mistake!

Maddie:
Well, your mistake was taking on Madeline Margaret Genevieve Miranda Catherine Fitzpatrick!

London:
Fine! Stay in! I'll...beat all of you!

London:
Well, you were wrong, with a capital R.

Cody:
[to Zack] Okay, what are you gonna do for your school community service?

Zack:
I thought I'd see a movie, then go tell poor people about it.

Cody:
Zack, this is a chance for us to really help people. I'm thinking about working with kids.

Zack:
I hate kids.

Cody:
You better take this seriously or you're gonna fail while I get an A.

Zack:
You're one of the kids I hate.

Cody:
Mom, please tell me everything went okay with your demo CD.

Carey:
Oh, yeah. The guy at the record company said I'd have a future as a cabaret singer. He suggested I check out The Tipton. Apparently, I just spent $500 to find out I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!

Cody:
At least I know I'll get a better community service grade than Zack.

Zack:
I wouldn't be so sure about that. Mr. Moseby let me take all the buffet leftovers to the Mission. The mayor was there and he's giving me an award for helping out the homeless.

Cody:
You?! An award? You can't even spell award.

Zack:
Don't have to. It'll be on the plaque. Who's getting an A in community service now, huh?

Cody:
I hate that kid.

Carey:
[to the twins] Hey, guys. What'cha been doing?

Cody:
Inspiring people to reach their full potential and achieve their dreams.

Carey:
It's never just "playing ball" with you.

Maddie:
You're going down!

London:
You're going downer!

Agnes:
You're my Little Rebel. Agnes Likes!

Zack:
But... [Agnes puts finger on Zack's lips and sticks it in.]

Agnes:
Shh. Don't speak. Your eyes speak for you.

Zack:
I wished they'd shut up and get lost!

Cody:
Agnes, what Zack is trying to say is, you came on a little strong.

Zack:
No, what Zack is trying to say is [opens door] "Leave."

Maddie:
London, our dogs are missing. I've handed out 300 fliers and you're on the phone watching how to cook videos.

London:
I don't need fliers. I just rented a blimp. In 30 minutes, Ivana's picture will be hovering over all of Boston.

Maddie:
What about Scamp?

London:
Get your own blimp.

Agnes:
Hi, Zackey.

Zack:
Hi, Aggie.

Zack:
[about the commercial] This is great! This our chance to get on TV!

Cody:
Yeah, I always thought you'd be on TV. I just assumed you'd be in handcuffs.

Zack:
You mean, as a magician?

Cody:
[sarcastically] Yeah, that's it.

Zack:
Try this hot dog.

Sanjay:
In this country you eat dogs?

Zack:
No, a hot dog is made of... well, nobody really knows for sure.

Zack:
I have a plan.

Cody:
[to Sanjay] Don't listen to him. That's what he always says right before we get grounded.

Zack:
No, this plan is sure-fire.

Cody:
Correction. That's what he always says right before we get grounded.

(Muriel get's traped in a net) (Knock on the door) Zack:
That must be them. There's no else left in the hotel! (Turns off the lights) Cody: Muriel don't move. Muriel: Oh thanks. I was just on my way to the rivera!