The War at Home, Season One

Dave:
I only have one simple rule for dating my teenage daughter: if she sees your penis, I'll cut it off!

Dave:
My dad had it easy. In his day, if you brought home a paycheck and didn't beat your kids, you were father of the year.

Dave (to Vicky about Hillary):
Your daughter's all moody and crying about something.

Vicky:
Hillary's been moody and crying since she was 12. Where have you been?

Vicky:
(to Dave about Larry) Okay, so one time he wore women's clothing.

Dave:
One time we know about.

Vicky:
Remember, last year, he wanted to be a rock star? He quit guitar lessons after two weeks. You know, it's possible that this whole cross-dressing thing is just an experimental phase.

Dave:
Well, why doesn't he just experiment with drugs like every other teenager?

Dave:
When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do." Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids. So my philosophy is, "Do as I say - not as I hope you don't know I do."

Dave:
It's true. Parents that use drugs have kids that use drugs. So there's an important lesson here. Don't have kids.

Omar (to Dave):
How do you figure?

Dave:
Well, you do have to admit that there are probably less black people applying to Yale. Right? So, I'd imagine that they'd probably have to keep a certain number of spots open for you guys.

Omar:
What are you saying -- I got into Yale because of affirmative action? Because I have never gotten any advantage for being black, not one.

Dave:
No, I didn't say anything about affirmative action. Did I say anything about that? Come on, it's not like I was calling you a token.

Omar:
A what?! You think I'm a token?

Dave:
No, no, no, I said you weren't a token. Don't be so sensitive, Omar.

Omar:
Oh, so now I'm an overly sensitive token. Okay. You know what? I've had enough. I think we should go.

Vicky:
No, no, it's okay.

Dave:
No, no, no, Vicky. If he wants to go, let him go. He said he didn't even want to come here today. You know, I think he might be a little bit of a racist.

Dave:
(to Vicky about Omar) Why should I apologize to him?

Vicky:
Because this is Hillary's boyfriend's family and after the way you acted, I wouldn't be surprised if they never even let him see her again.

Dave:
Good! Good. Then this barbecue wasn't all for nothing.

Vicky:
Okay, fine. You know what? Do it. Don't do it. It's your decision.

Dave:
Huh! And what? If I don't apologize, you're going to what? Like, withold sex from me?

Vicky:
No, why should I be punished? I'll have sex with you, but don't expect me to talk to you.

Dave:
You know, sex with no talking, that's, uh, not exactly a threat, Vicky.

Dave:
When it comes to raising kids, everyone has an opinion. Let 'em cry, don't let 'em cry. Let 'em watch TV, don't let 'em watch TV. Spank 'em, don't spank 'em. But the one thing that everyone agrees on is, sooner or later, you have to trust them and hope you raised them right. I'm totally screwed.

Dave (to Vicky about Hillary):
I can just imagine the line of crap that Kyle kid is feeding her. "I love you so much, baby. Why should we wait if it's the right time, baby? Come on, baby, let's do it right now, baby."

Vicky:
Come on, she's not an idiot.

Dave:
You fell for it!

Hillary (to Vicky):
Well, you have a big chest. Why don't I?

Vicky:
Well, you know, you probably just take after your dad's side of the family. You do have two sets of genes, you know.

Dave:
Hey, don't blame me. Okay? Even the men on my side of the family have big boobs.

Dave:
At no time in history has a culture been so focused on how they look as we are today. Between the diets, the liposuction, Botox, LASIKS, it's crazy, and who's responsible? The media, and God bless 'em. I mean, who wants to look at fat, ugly people?

Dave:
When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was sneak into "R" rated movies. In my mind, "R" stood for "really good." Nowadays, there's warnings and ratings on everyhing; video games, music, booze, cigarettes. You think these warnings would keep kids away from all these things. When, actually, it's sending up a flare saying, "Hey, look. Good stuff over here." (A disclaimer appears on screen that says: "Due to the mature subject matter, the following episode may not be suitable for all family members." (Dave glances down at disclaimer) See? Makes you wanna watch even more, doesn't it?

Vicky (to Dave):
What was that?

Dave:
Oh, that must be Mike playing with his BB gun.

Vicky:
His what?

Dave:
Ah, you know, he's been begging me for one, so I finally got it for him.

Vicky:
Dave! Why didn't you ask me first?

(Cut scene)

Dave:
Same reason I never asked her for a three-way. She would've just said no.

Mike:
Larry getting his ass beat is the best thing that's ever happened to us.

Larry:
It's not the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Mike:
This isn't about you.

Mike:
Dad just beat the crap out of Larry!

Dave:
You know how when you're in a restaurant and the food doesn't come out the way you like, you could just send it back? Wouldn't it be great if you could do that with your kids? Uh, waiter, I'm sorry. This daughter? She's a little too spicy for my taste, and, uh, not enough dressing and, uh, my older son, where exactly on the menu did it say he was going to come out flaming and, uh, the youngest one. I don't even remember ordering him.

Hillary (to Taye):
Wait, you're breaking up with me?

Taye:
Mmm-hmm.

Hillary:
Why? I mean, is this because I'm grounded? Because I can just sneak out.

Taye:
It's not that. You can't go around thugging on people. You're a hater.

Hillary:
No, it wasn't like that at all.

Taye:
I'm sorry, but I can't go out with someone who solves their problems with violence. (Cut scene) Plus, she's way too clingy. If I was actually hitting it, it'd be one thing, but life's too short.

Dave:
(to Vicky) Sweetie, why'd you have to invite your mother over for dinner? Didn't we just see her, like, a month ago?

Mike:
Hey, Hillary, you were an accident!

Dave:
Shut up, so were you!

Mike (to Hillary):
Okay, here's the deal. If I go into the honors program, I'll have a built-in excuse for getting bad grades.

Hillary:
Wow, maybe I should go into the honors program.

Mike:
On the other hand, everyone's gonna call me a geek, and I'll have no chance of landing a hot girl. I mean, I'll be facing Larry-like odds.

Hillary:
Oh, yeah, I see your point.

Mike:
But being in honors could actually improve my chances. There are 22 hot girls in the regular program and about 300 guys, which means I have a 1-in-14 probability of getting one. But in honors, I'd be the one normal guy competing for the one cute girl. My odds go from 7% to 100%. So, balancing all those factors, what do you think I should do?

Hillary:
I think you should go into the smart group 'cause I don't even know what the hell you're talking about anymore.

(cut scene)

Dave:
(about Vicky) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want her to back to work full-time. She's gonna be too tired to do the important stuff around here, like the laundry... and me.

Hillary (to Dave):
I need my allowance.

Dave:
Forget it. What, are you crazy? You're not getting any money for doing nothing.

Hillary:
But I always get money for doing nothing, and I need to buy makeup.

Dave:
Forget it, okay?

Hillary:
Oh, come on. Mom would give me the money.

Dave:
Yeah, well, your mom's not here, okay? So, you're gonna have to figure out another way to look too old and too easy.

Mike:
Hey, this is for you.

Dave:
(reads paper) A meeting with the principal? (to Vicky) Hey, this is for you.

Vicky:
What did you do this time?

Mike:
Nothing.

Dave:
The last time you did nothing, it took four months for Larry to grow his hair back.

Mike:
Mom, it's not fair. Why do I have to give up my room for your stupid friend?

Dave:
Hey, hey, for your information, that room was supposed to be our guest room. You're lucky we even let you use it.

Vicky:
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? I'm cleaning up. Jodi's gonna be here any second. I don't want her to think we live like animals.

Dave:
Yeah, God forbid your slutty, drunkie friend looks down on us.

Dave (to Vicky):
Are you, huh? Are you pregnant? Is that what you're telling me? Are you telling me that you're pregnant?

Vicky:
Well, all three times I had to tell you that, I made you a nice meal and got you all liquored up first.

Dave:
Yeah, well, I'm hungry and sober, so...

Vicky:
I'm not pregnant.

Dave:
Thank God! Wait a second. Why would you even think you're pregnant? You're on the pill, right? You are on the pill, aren't you?

Vicky:
Technically, no.

Dave:
Technically? Vicky, come on, I don't want "technically." Okay, we already have three accidents. I mean, Allstate won't even insure that uterus, okay?

Larry (while playing Monopoly):
Yes! With two houses, you owe me $500.

Mike:
Great. I guess I have to sell a hotel.

Larry:
You can just owe it to me, I guess.

Dave:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're half-Jewish, half-Italian. Okay, that means you charge him as much as you can and if he doesn't pay, you break his legs.

Dave:
No, no. No therapy. Okay? All those head doctors do is say you have ADD or OCD or NAACP and boom, you're labeled a nut job. And once you start, you can't stop. I'm telling you, Vicky, therapy is like crack for sad people.

Mike (to Mike & Vicky):
All right, look, I have to tell you guys the truth. I'm not really depressed, okay? That note you found was a song I tried to write, and I was just trying to get you to buy me stuff.

Vicky:
We know that, you idiot!

Dave:
Yeah, what's the matter with you, huh? How can you do something like that?

Vicky:
You scared us!

Dave:
How are we supposed to know when there's something's really wrong with you, you moron!

Dave (to Vicky):
It turns out Hillary's doctor is someone I went to high school with.

Vicky:
You're kidding. You know Dr. Vogel?

Dave:
Oh, yeah, I know all about him. Let's just say he turned his hobby into his career.

Vicky:
What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club?

Dave:
In a matter of speaking, yes. I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants. At least back then he had to work at it. Now all he has to do is say next!

Hillary (to Dave):
What are you calling Dr. Vogel for?

(cut scene)

Dave:
To tell him he's gotten his last peek at my wife and daughter's woo-woos.

Vicky:
(to Dave) Come on, honey. When we got married, it was for better or for worse and I guess I'm just getting better and you're getting worse!

Dave (to Vicky):
What, you don't think young women find me attractive, huh? Believe me, I'm out there in the world, I see the looks I'm getting, I know what they're thinking.

Vicky:
Yeah, they're thinking, "Who's this creep staring at my boobs?"

Dave (about Mike):
This is a nightmare. I mean, first he wanted to have a bar mitzvah and I'm unhappy. Now he doesn't want to have a bar mitzvah and I'm unhappy. No matter what, I always feel unhappy.

Vicky:
I'm no expert, but isn't that what being Jewish is all about?

(Rabbi Safra nods)

Dave:
That's good, Mike. Reallly, I-I gotta tell you, I'm very, very impressed by your commitment and, uh, spirituality. I really, really am. Can I make one comment, though?

Mike:
Sure, what's that?

Dave:
You're full of crap!

Dave:
(answering the phone) Hello?

Hillary:
Hi, Daddy.

Dave:
What's going on, Hillary? Where are you?

Hillary:
I fell and I hurt my ankle. I'm at the emergency room.

Dave:
Okay, just relax, okay? We'll be there in ten minutes.

Hillary:
Actually, it's gonna take a little longer than ten minutes.

Dave:
What the hell kind of mall did you go to?

Hillary:
Oh, did I say "mall"? I meant "ski resort."

Dave:
Remember that time we made Mike wear that T-shirt that said "White Power" and threatened to drop him off in Harlem?

Mike:
I don't want to go.

Dave:
Come on, it's Florida, all right? Everybody wants to go. Two million Cubans can't be wrong.

Dave:
I want to go down there, and I want to have the best vacation ever, okay and I want to show my father what a loving, terrific, and beautiful family I have.

Mike:
Oh, my God, you have another family?

Dave (to Vicky):
Are you done with that? I'd like to make a phone call, assuming that's okay with you.

Vicky:
Sure, go ahead. But when you're done, could you do me a favor?

Dave:
Yeah.

Vicky:
Shove it up your ***.

Dave:
Well, if I do, it's not going to be because you told me to.

(cut scene)

Dave:
(standing next to a "Reasons to Live" chart) All right, let's see. I have one son that ignores everything I say. (erases Mike's name from chart) The other one ran away. (erases Larry's name from chart) I have a wife that thinks I'm a jackass who needs a haircut. (erases Vicky's name from chart, leaving "Hillary" and "Beer'") Well, at least I have beer in the fridge and a daughter that thinks I'm a hero.

Vicky (to Dave):
Did you open a new credit card without telling me?

Dave:
Honey, after 17 years, I don't even take off my pants without telling you.

Vicky:
Well, you gotta call the credit card company right away, because if you didn't open it and I didn't open it, then it could be identity theft.

Dave:
Yeah, right, like anyone would want my identity.

Judge:
(to Dave) I was going to suspend your license for 90 days and fine you $500, but given these new circumstances, I can no longer do that.

Dave:
Thank you, Your Honor. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Judge:
You are, however, guilty of perjury and of falsifying a police report. The court hereby fines you $5,000.

(cut scene)

Dave:
What the hell is wrong with my daughter? Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut like every other ungrateful teenager? Freakin' big mouth.