The West Wing, Season Two

Bartlet:
[on operating table] It didn't hit anything, they're just gonna look around and make sure.

Zoey:
Are you in a lot of pain?

Bartlet:
No...

Zoey:
Are you lying?

Bartlet:
Yeah, cause I want these guys to tell reporters that I was brave and joking around.

Zoey:
You are brave. You were so good tonight, Dad.

Bartlet:
What about our people?

Leo:
C.J. hit her head on the ground, but other than that.

Bartlet:
Get the Cabinet together, and the Security Council. Tell Jerome to suspend trading on the stock exchange...do we know who the shooters were?

Leo:
[shaking his head] No.

Bartlet:
I'm gonna be under anesthesia for a couple hours.

Leo:
It'll be fine.

Bartlet:
You know what I'm talking about, right?

Leo:
I'll talk to Abbey.

Doctor:
: [grabbing Leo's arm] Sir, it's time.

Bartlet:
Hey, come here. [Leo leans in toward the President and turns his head. Bartlet plants a reassuring kiss on Leo's cheek.] It's okay.

Leo:
I'll see you in a few hours Mr. President.

[flashback]

Woman:
You've been a... um, uh, what did you call it?

Toby:
Professional political operative.

Woman:
You've been one your whole life.

Toby:
Well, there was a while back there when I was in elementary school.

Woman:
[laughs] You any good?

Toby:
[long pause] I'm very good at it.

Woman:
What's your record?

Toby:
My record?

Woman:
How many elections have you won?

Toby:
Altogether?

[The woman nods]

Toby:
Including city council, two Congressional elections, a senate race, a Gubernatorial campaign, and a national campaign? [long pause] None.

Woman:
None of them?

Toby:
You gotta be impressed with my consistency.

[flashback]

Man:
Governor Bartlet, when you were a member of Congress, you voted against the New England Dairy Farming Compact. That vote hurt me sir. I'm a businessman. That vote hurt me to the tune of maybe, 10 cents a gallon. I voted for you three times for Congress. I voted for you twice for Governor. And I'm here sir, and I'd like to ask you for an explanation.

Bartlet:
[pause] Yeah, I screwed you on that one.

Man:
I'm sorry?

Bartlet:
I screwed you. You got hosed.

Man:
Sir, I...

Bartlet:
And not just you. A lot of my constituents. I put the hammer to farms in Concord, Salem, Laconia, and Pelham. You guys got rogered but good. Today, for the first time in history, one in five Americans living in poverty are children. One in five children live in the most abject, dangerous, hopeless, backbreaking, gut wrenching, poverty, one in five, and they're children. If fidelity to freedom and democracy is the code of our civic religion then surely, the code of our humanity is faithful service to that unwritten commandment that says 'We shall give our children better than we ourselves received.' I voted against the bill 'cause I didn't want it to be hard for people to buy milk. I stopped some money from flowing into your pocket. If that angers you, if you resent me, I completely respect that. But if you expect anything different from the President of the United States, I suggest you vote for somebody else. Thanks very much. Hope you enjoyed the chicken.

[flashback]

Bartlet:
Why are you doing this? You're a player. You're bigger in the party than I am. Hoynes would probably make you National Chairman. Leo, tell me this isn't one of the twelve steps.

Leo:
That's what it is. Right after admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and a higher power can restore us to sanity. That's where you come in.

Bartlet:
Leo...

Leo:
Because I'm tired of it! Year, after year, after year of having to choose between the lesser of who cares? Of trying to get myself excited over a candidate who can speak in complete sentences. Of setting the bar so low, I can hardly look at it. They say a good man can't get elected president. I don't believe that, do you?

Bartlet:
And you think I'm that man?

Leo:
Yes.

Bartlet:
Doesn't it matter that I'm not as sure?

Leo:
Nah. 'Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you.' Put another way: 'Fake it until you make it.'

C.J.:
We're confirming now that a suspect is in custody, and is being questioned by federal law enforcement. At this time, we cannot... we are not releasing any information whatsoever about the suspect.

Steve:
Can you tell us anything, his name, where he's from, his ethnicity, if you guys suspect a motive?

C.J.:
Yes, Steve, I can tell you those things, because when I said that we weren't releasing any information whatsoever, I meant except his name, his address, his ethnicity, and what we think his motives are.

[flashback]

Toby:
Come join the campaign.

C.J.:
How much does it pay?

Toby:
How much were you making before?

C.J.:
$550,000 a year.

Toby:
This pays $600 a week.

C.J.:
So this would be less.

Margaret:
Can I - can I just say something for the future?

Leo:
Yeah.

Margaret:
I can sign the President's name. I have his signature down pretty good.

Leo:
You can sign the President's name?

Margaret:
Yeah.

Leo:
On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else?

Margaret:
Yeah. Or... do you think the White House Counsel would say that was a bad idea?

Leo:
I think the White House Counsel would say it was a coup d'état!

Margaret:
Well...I'd probably end up doing some time for that.

Leo:
I would think! And what the hell were you doing practicing the President's signature?

Margaret:
It was just for fun.

Leo:
We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill!

C.J.:
This is our fifth press briefing since midnight. Obviously, there's one story that's going to dominate news around the world for the next few days, and it would be easy to think that President Bartlet, Joshua Lyman, and Stephanie Abbott were the only victims of a gun crime last night. They weren't. Mark Davis and Sheila Evans of Philadelphia were killed by a gun last night. He was a biology teacher and she was a nursing student. Tina Bishop and Linda Larkin were killed with a gun last night. They were 12. There were 36 homicides last night. 480 sexual assaults, 3,411 robberies, 3,685 aggravated assaults, all at gunpoint. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I'd only remind you that the President of the United States was shot last night while surrounded by the best trained armed guards in the history of the world. Back to the briefing.

[flashback]

Bartlet:
Tonight, what began on the commons in Concord, Massachusetts, as an alliance of farmers and workers, of cobblers and tinsmiths, of statesmen and students, of mothers and wives, of men and boys, lives two centuries later as America! My name is Josiah Bartlet, and I accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States!

Josh:
Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation of about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?

Toby:
God bless America.

Bartlet:
Good morning, everybody. Anybody know what the word 'acalculia' means?

Sam:
It's the inability to perform arithmetic functions...I'm sorry, Mr. President. You wanted to answer your own question, didn't you?

Bartlet:
Yeah, but I'll get over it.

Sam:
Good for you, sir. That's very mature.

Bartlet:
Shut up.

Sam:
You're not over it yet, are you?

Bartlet:
Toby, I'm drinking the most fantastic thing I've ever tasted in my life: chocolate syrup, cold milk, and seltzer. I know it sounds terrible, but trust me, I don't know where this has been all my life.

Toby:
It's called an egg cream, Mr. President. We invented them in Brooklyn.

Bartlet:
In Brooklyn? Not New England?

Toby:
There are many good things in this world not from New England, sir.

Bartlet:
Toby, don't ever let me hear you say that again.

Charlie Okay. Zoey and I are going out. I'll be on my pager.

Leo:
You're going out?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Leo:
Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?

Charlie:
Hey, Leo...

Leo:
Secret Service protection, Charlie. But thanks for loading me up with that image.

Bartlet:
I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.

Dr. Jenna Jacobs:
I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yes it does. Leviticus.

Dr. Jenna Jacobs:
18:22.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.

[Dr. Jenna Jacobs stands]

Josh:
Toby, come quick, Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl.

Toby:
Ginger, get the popcorn.

Bartlet:
Charlie, when they close the book on you and me, it will say that at this moment you were not there for me. And for that, obviously, there will be some kind of punishment.

Charlie:
Well, you could sing Puccini for me again, Mr. President, and we'll call it even.

Bartlet:
Charlie, I wanna hire a woman whose voice I think would fit in nicely around here. She's a conservative Republican. You think I should do it?

Charlie:
Absolutely, Mr. President, cause I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion.

Sam:
But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's [Josh] dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded 'em, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around words like personal freedom and nobody calling 'em on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.

Ainsley:
Yes, they do. But do you know what's even more insidious than that? Your gun control policy doesn't have anything to do with public safety, and it's certainly not about personal freedom. It's about that you don't like the people who do like guns. You don't like the people. Think about that the next time you make a joke about the South.

Ainsley:
[to her Republican friends about the Democratic White House staff] Say they are smug and superior. Say their approach to public policy makes you want to tear your hair out. Say they like high taxes and spending your money. Say they want to take your guns and open your borders but don't call them worthless. At least don't do it in front of me. The people I have met have been extraordinarily qualified. Their intent is good. Their commitment is true. They are righteous, and they are patriots. And I'm their lawyer.

Engineer:
Cut take.

Bartlet:
Sorry, everybody. This is gonna be it. Four is my lucky number.

Donna:
This is take five, sir.

Bartlet:
Five is my lucky number. "Fifth-take Bartlet" - that's what Jack Warner used to call me.

Donna:
Did you really know Jack Warner, Mr. President?

Bartlet:
Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood and I'm 97 years old.

Engineer:
Saturday morning radio address, take 21.

Donna:
I have a really good feeling about this one, sir.

Bartlet:
Is this still my first term?

Ainsley:
You lied to me just then.

Leo:
I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then.

Leo:
This is Ainsley Hayes. She's scared of meeting you, so be nice.

Lionel Tribbey:
The girl who's been writing the columns?

Leo:
Yeah.

Lionel Tribbey:
[to Ainsley] You're an idiot.

Ainsley:
Oh God-

Leo:
She's not an idiot, Lionel, she clerked for Dreifort!

Lionel Tribbey:
Well, Dreifort's an idiot.

Leo:
Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice, Lionel, so let's speak of him with respect and practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us.

Lionel Tribbey:
I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you.

Leo:
She's working for you, Lionel.

Lionel Tribbey:
Excuse me?

Leo:
She's working for you. The president asked me to hire her for your office.

Lionel Tribbey:
The President of what, asked you to hire her for my office?

Leo:
The United States.

Ainsley:
Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.

Lionel Tribbey:
Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.

Bartlet:
Charlie!

Charlie:
Yes, sir.

Bartlet:
Can I have a couple of aspirin or a weapon of some kind to kill people with?

Leo:
Even when they're here in session, getting a hundred senators in line is still like trying to get cats to walk in a parade.

Sam:
I don't need your help. I'm asking for your help so let's not make a federal...

Ainsley:
[into her phone] Dad, it's me. Sam's asking for my help.

Sam:
Put the phone down.

Ainsley:
[into her phone] Gotta go, dad, I need to help Sam.

Sam:
That must have rolled them in the aisles back in Georgia.

Ainsley:
I'm from North Carolina.

Sam:
Wherever it was you studied baton twirling.

Ainsley:
That'd be Harvard Law School.

Donna:
So, I'm being used.

Josh:
Yes.

Donna:
As a dupe.

Josh:
Yes.

Donna:
How am I supposed to feel about that?

Josh:
How do you usually feel about that?

Donna:
My value here is that I have no value.

Josh:
You have enormous value to me. You have absolutely no value to Eastern Europe.

Toby:
Why's a test-ban treaty so important? Let me tell you. In 1974, India set off a peaceful nuclear explosion. Indira Gandhi herself said they had no intention of building a bomb, they just wanted to know that they could. Twenty years later India sets off five nuclear explosions. Who gets nervous? Pakistan. And when Pakistan gets nervous, everybody get nervous. You know why? 'Cause we're all gonna die.

Bartlet:
The Assistant Energy Secretary is flying to Portland in the middle of the night so he can meet with me on Air Force One on the way back?

Charlie:
Yes sir.

Bartlet:
The day-to-day experience of my life has changed in many ways since taking this job.

Sam:
Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions. We should be talking about a permanent revolution.

Toby:
Where have I heard that?

Sam:
Permanent Revolution?

Toby:
Yeah.

Sam:
I got it from a book.

Toby:
What book?

Sam:
The Little Red Book

Toby:
You think we should quote Mao Tse-tung?

Sam:
We do need a permanent revolution.

Toby:
Still, I think we'll stay away from quoting Communists.

Sam:
You think a Communist never wrote an elegant phrase? How do you think they got everyone to be Communist?

Bartlet:
A long flight across the night. You know why late flights are good? Because we cease to be earthbound and burdened with practicality. Asking important questions. Talking about the idea that nobody has thought about yet. Put it a different way...

Sam:
Be poets.

Donna:
I have an excellent sense about these things.

Josh:
Actually, you have no sense about these things. You have no vibe, you have terrible taste in men, and your desire to be coupled up will always and forever drown out any sense of self or self-worth that you may have.

Donna:
You're a downer, you know that? I'm calling you Deputy Downer from now on.

Danny:
[asking why C.J is going on the Portland Trip] Are you being punished?

C.J.:
I'm not being punished. I'm going on the trip.

Danny:
If the whole bus goes off the record, will you tell us why you're going on the trip?

C.J.:
[hesitating] I made fun of Notre Dame. [the journalists collectively groaned] Usually I get away with it.

Danny:
They're playing Michigan tomorrow.

C.J.:
I know that now.

Danny:
You can't do that when they're playing Michigan.

Sam:
Over three and a half centuries ago, linked by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes.

Toby:
Sam...

Sam:
It'd be good. By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs, and by night they solve crimes.

Toby:
Read the thing.

Sam:
Pilgrim detectives.

Toby:
Do you see me laughing?

Sam:
I think you're laughing on the inside.

Toby:
Okay.

Sam:
With the big hats.

Toby:
Give me the speech.

C.J.:
Every time we come up on a holiday, you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.

Toby:
We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.

Sam:
And possibly a new action-adventure series.

Toby:
Nobody here has checked out...

[Josh enters]

Josh:
Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row, it came out tails.

C.J.:
In the following days, we will be meeting with Reverend Al Caldwell, members of Beijing's Embassy and INS agents. The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings so it's entirely possible that by week's end we'll have alienated Christians, China, and our own government.

C.J.:
They sent me two turkeys. The most photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.

Bartlet:
If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.

Charlie:
Okay, Mr. President, I say this with all possible respect, but each of these knives cut, you know, meat. Why is it important?

Bartlet:
Because it's something we pass on. Something with a history so we can say, 'My father gave this to me. His father gave it to him.'

Charlie:
Well, okay, sir, but if that's true, then why don't you already have one?

Bartlet:
I do have one.

Charlie:
Why do you need a new one?

Bartlet:
I'm giving mine away.

Charlie:
To who?

Bartlet:
Whom.

Charlie:
To whom?

Bartlet:
Funny you should ask. [takes out knife case from his drawer] Charlie, my father gave this to me, and his father gave it to him, and now I'm giving it to you. Take a look. The fully tapered bolster allows for sharpening the entire edge of the blade.

Charlie:
It says 'P.R.' I thought I knew them all, but I don't recognize the manufacturer.

Bartlet:
Yeah. This was made for my family by a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere.

Bartlet:
Sam's gonna make some changes.

Tate:
Are you going to clear them with me?

Sam:
Probably not. [to the recorder] Write this. Eleven months ago, a 1,200-pound spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. Eighteen hours ago...18 hours, do I have that right? It's going to be noon Eastern time.

C.J.:
Yep.

Sam:
Eighteen hours ago, it landed on the planet Mars. You, me, and 60,000 of your fellow students across the country, along with astroscientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston, and right here at the White House are going to be to the first to see what it sees, and to chronicle the extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called 'Galileo V.'

Bartlet:
[to C.J.] He said it right.

Josh:
There's a Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee?

Leo:
Yes.

Josh:
Made up of members of the There-But-For-The-Grace-of-God-go-I Club?

Leo:
You wanna mock people or let me talk to Toby?

Josh:
I wanna mock people.

Sam:
[about why we should go to Mars] 'Cause it's next. 'Cause we came out of the cave and we looked over the hill and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean and we pioneered the West and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on a timeline of exploration, and this is what's next.

Bartlet:
[to Leo, about a Russian warhead explosion:] Leo, at the time the SS-19 exploded, it was being drained of its liquid hydrogen in an attempt by deserting soldiers to - wait for it...

Leo:
Steal the warhead?

Bartlet:
Steal the warhead! [to the Russian Ambassador ] When were you gonna tell us about that? You realize how dangerous-

Russian Ambassador:
Mr. President, you shouldn't be concerned with the welfare of the Russian people.

Bartlet:
Well, I am concerned with the welfare of the Russian people, but that's not what they pay me for. You guys fall asleep at the switch in Minsk, and I've got a whole hemisphere hiding under the bed. How do you not tell us this is going on? How do you not ask us for help?

Russian Ambassador:
We'll not need help finding the leaders of the black market network-

Bartlet:
Yeah, thanks. We're sending in NATO inspectors.

Russian Ambassador:
Leo and I were just discussing the terms.

Leo:
The terms are we're sending in NATO or he's taking a walk to the press room.

Bartlet:
[to the Russian Ambassador] Get your foreign minister on the phone. [pauses] I honestly don't know from where you guys get the nerve.

Russian Ambassador:
From a long, hard winter, Mr. President.

C.J.:
We have at our disposal a captive audience of schoolchildren. Some of them don't go to the blackboard or raise their hand cause they think they're going to be wrong. I think you should say to these kids, "You think you get it wrong sometimes, you should come down here and see how the big boys do it." I think you should tell them you haven't given up hope, and that it may turn up, but in the meantime, you want NASA to put its best people in the room, and you want them to start building Galileo VI. Some of them will laugh and most of them won't care, but for some they might honestly see that it's about going to the blackboard and raising your hand.

Leo:
[to Josh] This guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" and the friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." As long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand me?

Dr. Keyworth:
What happened three weeks ago?

Josh:
I don't know what you're referring to.

Dr. Keyworth:
I don't know what I'm referring to either, but some of the people you work with became concerned with your behavior three weeks ago.

Josh:
Well, I've been concerned with their behavior since long before that.

Bernard:
[to C.J.] The President, on a visit to the gallery, and possessing even less taste in fine art than you have in accessories, announced that he liked the painting. The French government offered it as a gift to the White House. I suppose in retribution for EuroDisney. So there it hangs, like a gym sock on a shower rod.

Charlie:
You send a Christmas card to everyone who writes a letter to the White House.

Bartlet:
I do?

Charlie:
Yes, sir. And somewhere around a million people wrote you letters this year.

Bartlet:
Okay, but some of those were death threats.

Charlie:
They've weeded those out.

Josh:
Doctor Keyworth, I'm the deputy White House Chief of Staff. I oversee 1,100 White House employees. I answer directly to Leo McGarry and the President of the United States. Did you think you were talking to the paperboy? In your wildest dreams, did you imagine that I would walk into this room without knowing exactly who you are and what you do?

Sam:
It's a private poll. The press doesn't have access to it... The only way they'd know what questions were being asked is if they were actually called by one of the pollsters and... Oh my god!

C.J.:
Yes.

Sam:
A reporter got called by one of the pollsters?

Josh:
Wow. What are the chances of that?

Sam:
The chances of that are astronomical.

Josh:
We can calculate it. They sample 800 respondents...

C.J.:
Would the two of you stop being amazed by the mathematics!

Donna:
Josh, this was delivered by messenger.

Josh:
What is it?

Donna:
It's... wait... wait... no. Damn, my x-ray vision is failing me today.

C.J.:
Why were you holding women's underwear before?

Josh:
Never really needed a reason.

Bartlet:
Donna wants me to call Karen Cahill and make it clear she wasn't hitting on her when she gave her her underwear.

Leo:
Yeah, that's because I made fun of her shoes and Sam said there were nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan and Donna went to clear up the mix up and accidentally left her underwear.

Bartlet:
There can't possibly be nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan...

Leo:
Mr. President, please don't wade hip deep into this story.

Leo:
Alexander Hamilton didn't think we should have political parties. Neither did John Adams. He thought political parties led to divisiveness.

Toby:
They do. They should. We have honest disagreements. Arguments are good.

Leo:
Only if they lead to statesmanship. Or it's just theatre. And statesmanship is compromise.

Toby:
What about persuasion? They're coming for us, Leo.

Leo:
I know.

Toby:
I mean they're coming for us now.

Leo:
Toby, if you knew what it was like getting him to run the first time...

Toby:
I know.

Leo:
Like pushing molasses up a sandy hill. If I go and tell him it's time to run again he's going to get crazy... and frustrated. He's going to sink into his head and he's going to say he's not running.

Toby:
Yeah.

Leo:
Yeah.

Toby:
So we've got to do it for him. We'll keep it away from this office but we've got to get real now. Leo, Ann Stark's a war time consigliere. That's why she was bumped up.

Leo:
I'm a wartime consigliere too, Toby. I was just hoping it'd be peace time a little longer.

Toby:
Yeah.

Leo:
Shake my hand.

[Toby and Leo shake hands]

Leo:
We just formed it.

Toby:
Formed what?

Leo:
The Committee to Reelect the President.

Donna:
[about Lord John Marbury] Are you threatened by his brilliance?

Josh:
Neither Leo nor I are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm. He is, however, a lunatic Brit and we're grateful there's an ocean between us.

Lord John Marbury:
Your assistant, Margaret, is looking positively buxom.

Leo:
[awkwardly] Thank you. I'll tell her.

Margaret:
[from outer office] Thank you!

Lord John Marbury:
Oh, yes! Well done!

Mrs. Landingham:
In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.

Leo:
Well, in your day you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?

Mrs. Landingham:
Ah, sarcasm, the grumpy man's wit.

Leo:
Go sharpen a pencil, would you?

Josh:
Why don't we just give the $60 billion to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us?

Bartlet:
It's almost hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council.

Josh:
I know, I feel like they're missing an important voice.

Bartlet:
Where are you on the missile shield?

Lord John Marbury:
Well, I think it's dangerous, illegal...fiscally irresponsible, technologically unsound, and a threat to all people everywhere.

Bartlett:
Leo?

Leo:
I think the world invented a nuclear weapon. I think the world owes it to itself to see if it can't invent something to make it irrelevant.

Lord John Marbury:
Well that's the right sentiment... and certainly a credible one from a man who's fought in a war. You think you can make it stop? Well, you can't. We build a shield and somebody will build a better missile.

Bartlet:
Well, it's a discussion for serious men. They say a statesman is a politician who's been dead for fifteen years. I'd like us to be statesmen while we're still alive.

Charlie:
And why doesn't he ask the First Lady about the $500 check himself in the normal course of, you know, being married to her.

Mrs. Landingham:
When the President inquires into the First Lady's personal bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry at him... and yells.

Charlie:
Well, she's gonna get angry and yell when I inquire too.

Mrs. Landingham:
Well, the President doesn't care so much about that.

Sam:
They have bathrobes at the gym?

C.J.:
In the women's locker room.

Sam:
But not the men's.

C.J.:
Yeah.

Sam:
Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and fifty women...

C.J.:
Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's outrageous.

Sam:
Okay, can I talk to you about adrenaline for a second?

Ainsley:
Adrenaline?

Sam:
Yeah. You're feeling it right now and it's gonna get even more cause it's a big night, and you were a hit and you've never experienced anything like this.

Ainsley:
And you think I'm going to have a nutty.

Sam:
I'm saying don't drink until you're off television.

Ainsley:
God! Thanks Sam for that debating tip. You have a feel for nuances. You say I shouldn't be drunk when I'm representing the White House.

Sam:
Yeah. And remember you're a blond, Republican girl and that nobody likes you.

Donna:
[to Josh] You have to ask a girl out on a date. You can't just randomly tumble into a girl sidewise and hope she breaks up with you soon - the way you always do.

Republican:
Why when the Second Amendment clearly says that the federal government will not infringe upon citizen's right to keep and bear arms.

Toby:
Because it doesn't say that. In fact it doesn't say that at all. The only way it says that is if you remove some words from it. It says "a well regulated militia being necessary for the security of a free state, the government shall not infringe." The words "well regulated" and "militia" are in the first sentence. I don't think the framers were thinking of three guys in a Dodge Durango.

Republican:
You don't really know what the framers were thinking do you?

Toby:
No. But I know that if you combine all the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark, and Australia you'll get a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year, they had 112. Do you think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature or do you think it's because those guys have gun control laws?

Josh:
Numbers don't lie.

Joey (Kenny):
They lie all the time. They lie when 72 percent of Americans say they're tired of a sex scandal, while all the while, newspaper circulation goes through the roof for anyone featuring the story. If you polled a hundred Donnas and asked them if they think we should go out, you'd get a high positive response. But, the poll wouldn't tell you it's because she likes you. And she knows it's beginning to show and she needs to cover herself with misdirection.

Josh:
Believe me when I tell you that's not true.

Joey (Kenny):
There are people you haven't persuaded yet. These numbers mean dial it up. Otherwise, you're like the French radical watching the crowd run by and saying, "There go my people. I must find out where they're going so I can lead them."

Bartlet:
Damn it! How the hell did it happen?

Leo:
It was bad intelligence, sir.

Bartlet:
You think?

Leo:
Ferente left behind a radio and a soldier at the outpost. And they were deliberately sending us misinformation.

Bartlet:
We never anticipated they somebody might try that? We weren't prepared for someone to try and outfox us with a stratagem so sophisticated it's an entire generation behind "Hey look, your shoelaces are untied!?" Is that how I just lost nine guys, to a damn street gang with a ham radio?

Sam:
[about the President] Last night you were scared to meet him.

Ainsley:
And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father.

Sam:
You are just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?

Leo:
I fought a jungle war. I'm not doing it again. If I could put myself anywhere in time, it would be the Cabinet room, on August 4, 1964. When our ships were attacked by North Vietnam in the Tonkin Gulf. I'd say, "Mr. President...don't do it. Don't consider authorizing a massive commitment of troops and throwing in our lot with torturers and panderers, leaders without principle and soldiers without conviction; no clear mission, and no end in sight." This war is at home. The casualties are in our prisons, and not our hospitals. The amount of money the American government is spending in Colombia is the exact same amount American consumers are spending buying drugs from Colombia, we're funding both sides of this war and we'll never win it that way.

Charlie:
[about the President's movie options] Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.

Mrs. Landingham:
Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office.

Charlie:
I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.

Margaret:
[to the Surgeon General] Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?

C.J.:
[about the movie producer] This guy's trying to get a little bit of free media by screwing with us. I'm the enforcer, Sam. I'm gonna crush him, I'm gonna make him cry, and then I'm gonna tell his mama about it!

Bartlet:
I hear you're thinking about ophthalmology.

Ellie:
Oncology.

Bartlet:
Why would you want to study people's feet?

Ellie:
That's podiatry.

Bartlet:
That's children's medicine.

Ellie:
Pediatrics.

Bartlet:
I thought it was obstetrics.

Ellie:
That's pregnant women.

Bartlet:
And what's the study of feet?

Ellie:
Dad, you're not going to make me laugh.

Bartlet:
The only thing you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day.

Bartlet:
[angrily to Ellie] I have set up monumental, unprecedented, unbreakable rules about my children and the press. I have gotten White House reporters transferred to Yemen for approaching Zoey and Elizabeth. It is the law! Well, I'm sure before you gave the quote you cleared it with the Communications Office. I'm sure you went over the exact wording with C.J. Cregg and coordinated with White House strategy so that the timing was right in the news cycle. I'm certain you consulted the appropriate party leadership because you're a pretty knowledgeable operative having spent so much time with me.

Sam:
I'm just going to change my shirt.

Leo:
You look bad. You're tired. You slept in the office. It's Friday. Go home.

Sam:
Why?

Leo:
Because I think you're putting too much faith in the magical powers of a new shirt.

C.J.:
No cameras.

Toby:
You negotiated that?

C.J.:
Yes.

Toby:
They agreed to it?

C.J.:
You want to make out with me right now, don't you?

Toby:
Well, when don't I?

Toby:
You want the benefits of free trade? Food is cheaper.

Policewoman:
Yes.

Toby:
Food is cheaper! Clothes are cheaper, steel is cheaper, cars are cheaper ... Phone service is cheaper! You feel me building a rhythm here? That's because I'm a speech writer and I know how to make a point.

Policewoman:
Toby.

Toby:
It lowers prices, and it raises income. You see what I did with 'lowers' and 'raises' there? It's called the science of listener attention. We did repetition, we did floating opposites, and now you end with the one that's not like the others. Ready? Free trade stops wars. And that's it. Free trade stops wars, and we figure out how to fix the rest. One world, one peace... I'm sure I've seen that on a sign somewhere.

Josh:
So, now you have two choices - meeting with an unruly mob or meeting with lunatic mapmakers.

Toby:
Or getting paid a lot more money working almost anywhere else I want.

Donna:
[After Sam learns the identity of a deceased Communist spy] It was people pushing paper around fifty years ago. Why does it matter?

Sam:
It was high treason, and it mattered a great deal! This country is an idea, and one that's lit the world for two centuries and treason against that idea is not just a crime against the living! This ground holds the graves of people who died for it, who gave what Lincoln called the last full measure of devotion, of fidelity.

C.J.:
If you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on anything and talking the whole time. You won't make it. I wouldn't make it. Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes. He's 78 years old. He has a head cold. This bill is going to pass. Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into hour number eight.

Leo:
You just spent six billion dollars on health care. How do you feel?

Josh:
I'd feel better if it meant just once I could go to a doctor without filling out something on a clipboard.

Bartlet:
C.J., let me tell you something, don't ever ever underestimate the will of a grandfather. We're madmen, we don't give a damn, we got here before you and they'll be here after. We'll make enemies, we'll break laws, we'll break bones, but you will not mess with the grandchildren.

Leo:
There was quite a bit of sugar in the creme' d'caramel.

[all in voiceovers]

C.J.:
There are so many days where you can't imagine anything good will happen.

Josh:
You're buried under a black fog of partisanship and self-promotion and stupidity...

Sam:
...and a brand of politics that's just plain mean.

C.J.:
Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with his admonishment of big oil and, yes, the president was making us nervous too. But that's for tomorrow. Tonight, I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting. And if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best. Because I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if 28 U.S. senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help.

Sam:
Winnie. Yeah, I said it. Listen, you're talented. When you get out of school, you should come see me for a job.

Winnifred Hooper:
I suppose you're not a complete loser. And you write very well...So when I get out of school, you should come see me for a job.

Sam:
You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?

Ainsley:
And get some decent pizza, yeah.

Sam:
They're gonna hate you.

Ainsley:
I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around?

Sam:
I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.

Ainsley:
Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.

Sam:
So guys, when I was downstairs I made a decision: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.

Ainsley:
We also like beef.

Sam:
You know, you insist that government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose. But don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom.

Ainsley:
Yeah, and Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act, except if you want to find out if your 14-year-old daughter has had an abortion.

Sam:
We believe in the ERA.

Ainsley:
Well, go get them.

Sam:
How can you have an objection...

Ainsley:
Because it's humiliating! A new amendment we vote on declaring that I'm equal under the law to a man? I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me and I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen there a peach.

Sam:
[to Ed and Larry]: I would have countered that, but I already moved on to other things in my head.

Bartlet:
Toby's concerned that the peaceful solution I brokered in Kashmir last year was the result of a drug-induced haze.

Leo:
I was there with him. So was Fitz. So was Cashman, Hutchinson, Berryhill...

Toby:
Well, that's fantastic.

Leo:
Toby.

Toby:
None of you were elected!

Bartlet:
I was elected, they were appointed. The Vice President was elected. He has the constitutional authority to assume my--

Toby:
Not last May, he didn't. Last May, when you were under general anesthesia.

Bartlet:
That's because I never signed the letter, but I don't think I got shot because I got MS!

Toby:
No, I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or foreign terrorism, or even an act of war, there was uncertainty as to who was giving the national security orders and it was because you never signed the letter. So I'm led to wonder, given your condition and its lack of predictability, why there isn't simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace. And the answer, of course, is that [chuckles] if there was a-a signed letter sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why. The Commander in Chief had just been attacked, he was under a general anesthetic, a fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal state and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware National Guard units were federalized. The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. And twelve hours earlier, an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly, and the Vice President's authority was murky at best! The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from. I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that it was Leo. Who no one elected! For ninety minutes that night, there was a coup d'état in this country.

Bartlet:
[sarcastically] And the walls came tumbling down. I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking. [interjecting as Leo tries to speak up] No, Leo, Toby's concern for my health is moving me in ways...

Toby:
Mr. President --

Bartlet:
[suddenly infuriated, throws a stack of papers against his desk] SHUT UP! [circles around his desk, staring Toby in the face] You know, your indignation would be a lot more interesting to me if it weren't quite so covered in crap!

Charlie:
[poking his head in] Sir...

Bartlet:
[sharply] Yeah?

Charlie:
Mr. Garrett.

Bartlet:
Thanks. [glares back at Toby] Are you pissed because I didn't say anything, or are you pissed because there are fifteen people who knew before you did? I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking.

Josh:
Hey, Ado Annie, I sent you flowers. I think what you're trying to say is, "Why thank you, Josh, they're beautiful, how very thoughtful of you."

Donna:
Really? 'Cause I think what I was trying to say was "Shove it."

Bartlet:
[on Babish] He looks down his nose at me 'cause I'm not a lawyer.

Leo:
Yes.

Bartlet:
I didn't go to law school. I got a PhD in economics instead.

Leo:
Your parents were very proud.

Bartlet:
Yeah, and all that happened was I won a Nobel Prize and got elected President so I guess that decision didn't really pay off.

Leo:
Yeah.

Bartlet:
Should I run back and get my Nobel Prize?

Leo:
I think he knows you've got one.

Josh:
The number of people whose permission I need before I can do whatever the hell I want... Let me tell you something - there's really a lot to be said for fascism.

Sam:
I'm less visually observant than others but I make up for it.

Emily:
How?

Sam:
With cunning and guile.

Josh:
You got a phone call while you were in there.

Donna:
From who?

Josh:
Europe, in 1939.

Donna:
Yeah?

Josh:
Yeah, I jotted it down. Apparently, they're at war, but we'd taken a firm stand as an isolationist nation and refused to get involved. Our resources are ours, and their problems are on the other side of the world, though, they do have problems. Sounds to me from what they said on the phone that France, Austria, and England are getting absolutely pounded by the Germans and with no end in sight. They say that by 1941 they're gonna desperately need our help if they have any chance of survival, but I think they're just being hysterical. This son of a customs agent with the Charlie Chaplin mustache ain't going anywhere, but there's no telling that to Franklin Roosevelt, who's trying to convince his country to get involved. That's why he came up with this.

Donna:
An eighth-grade social studies textbook?

Josh:
Turn to the page I flagged.

Donna:
The Lend-Lease Act.

Josh:
Yeah. Simply put, a loan of arms to Russia and Britain with the understanding that they pay us back when the war was over. And he said this - he said, "If your neighbor's house is on fire, you don't haggle over the price of your garden hose." ... There are too many things in the world we can't do. Mexico's on fire. Why help them? Because we can.

C.J.:
There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure that the government isn't covering up aliens in New Mexico.

C.J.:
You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump 'cause there's a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It's the fall that's gonna kill ya.

Josh:
I told her we were commissioning a poll to explore attitudes towards subsurface agricultural products.

Leo:
Subsurface agricultural - What the hell?

Josh:
Underground. We think Americans are eating more beets.

Donna:
A thing the size of a garbage truck is gonna be in a two-thousand-mile-an-hour free fall and no one knows where it's gonna hit!

Charlie:
I'm rooting for Zurich.

Donna:
Charlie?

Charlie:
I've had it up to here with the Swiss.

Leo:
What do you want from me?

Josh:
Thirty million dollars.

Leo:
No.

Bartlet:
My wife and I are fighting battles on several fronts, including with each other.

Josh:
Are you saying that people who start smoking and get addicted to nicotine are too stupid to live?

Senator Rossitter:
No, I'm saying they're too stupid to be protected by the courts.

Mrs. Landingham:
Good evening, Mr. President.

Bartlet:
Bob Crutchet?

Mrs. Landingham:
Oh, sir. Surely you have better things to do than annoy me.

Bartlet:
Never.

Mrs. Landingham:
You know I could beat you up anytime I want, sir.

Bartlet:
Secret Service would have you down like a calf at a rodeo.

Mrs. Landingham:
[on her new car] When you get inside, there's this...

Bartlet:
Smell?

Mrs. Landingham:
How did you know?

Bartlet:
It's the smell of freedom... and the chemicals they treat your dashboard with.

Leo:
We're not going to stop, soften, detour, postpone, circumvent, obfuscate or trade a single one of our goals to allow for whatever extracurricular nonsense is coming our way in the next days, weeks and months.

Toby:
When did we decide this?

Leo:
Just now.

[Flashback]

Young Bartlet:
Why do you talk to me like this?

Mrs. Landingham:
You've never had a big sister and you need one. Look at you. You're a Boy King. You're a foot smarter than the smartest kid in the class. You're blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now. You must have sensed it. Look, if you think we're wrong... if you think Mr. Hopkins should honestly get paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we're right and you won't speak up because you can't be bothered, then God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.

Bartlet:
[standing in the National Cathedral, walking towards the altar and talking to God about Mrs. Landingham] You're a son-of-a-bitch, You know that? She bought her first new car and You hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cause I think You're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to Yours except praise His glory and praise His name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since You took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year, 68 crew. Do You know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns, just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail, that's all it can do. Gratias Tibi ago, domine (I give thanks to You, O Lord). Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased You, You feckless thug? Three point eight million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, 30 million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem! (Am I to believe those were the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with Your punishments! I was Your servant on Earth - I spread Your word and did Your work. To hell with your punishments! To hell with You!) [walks away from the altar, lights a cigarette, takes one puff, throws it to the ground, puts it out with his foot and proceeds to leave] You get Hoynes!

C.J.:
We'll call them Answer A and Answer B.

Josh:
Yeah.

C.J. Mr. President does this mean you won't be seeking a second term? Answer A is 'You bet. I will absolutely be seeking a second term. I'm looking forward to the campaign. There is great work that is yet to be done.'

Josh:
Yes.

C.J.:
Answer B...

Josh:
'Are you out of your mind? I can't possibly win re-election. I lied about a degenerative illness. I'm the target of a Grand Jury investigation and Congress is about to take me out to lunch. I'd sooner have my family take their clothes off and dance the Tarantella on the Truman Balcony than go through a campaign with this around my neck.' [pause] You think that's too on the nose?

C.J.:
I do.

[Bartlet stands alone in the Oval Office, in the middle of a raging storm. The back door suddenly flies open]

Bartlet:
God damn it...Mrs. Landingham!

[Mrs. Landingham suddenly walks through the main door of the Oval Office]

Mrs. Landingham:
I really wish you wouldn't shout, Mr. President.

[Bartlet stares at her for a few seconds]

Bartlet:
The door keeps blowing open.

Mrs. Landingham:
You could have used the intercom to call me, you know.

Bartlet:
I know, but I didn't want to-

Mrs. Landingham:
You didn't want to, or you didn't know how?

Bartlet:
It's not that I don't know how. It's just that I haven't learned yet.

[Pause. Mrs. Landingham smiles at him]

Bartlett:
I have MS, and I didn't tell anybody.

Mrs. Landingham:
Yeah. So, you're having a little bit of a day.

Bartlett:
You're going to make jokes?

Mrs. Landingham:
God doesn't make cars crash and you know it. Stop using me as an excuse.

Bartlett:
The Party's not going to want me to run.

Mrs. Landingham:
The Party'll come back. You'll get them back.

Bartlett:
I've got a secret for you, Mrs. Landingham, I've never been the most popular man in the Democratic Party.

Mrs. Landingham:
I've got a secret for you, Mr. President. Your father was a prick who could never get over the fact that he wasn't as smart as his brothers. Are you in a tough spot? Yes. Do I feel sorry for you? I do not. Why? Because there are people way worse off than you.

Bartlett:
Give me numbers.

Mrs. Landingham:
I don't know numbers. You give them to me.

Bartlett:
How about a child born this minute has one in five chances of being born into poverty?

Mrs. Landingham:
How many Americans don't have health insurance?

Bartlett:
44 million.

Mrs. Landingham:
What's the number one cause of death for black men under 35?

Bartlett:
Homicide.

Mrs. Landingham:
How many Americans are behind bars?

Bartlett:
Three million.

Mrs. Landingham:
How many Americans are drug addicts?

Bartlett:
Five million.

Mrs. Landingham:
And one in five kids in poverty?

Bartlett:
That's thirteen million American children. 3.5 million kids go to schools that are literally falling apart. We need 127 billion in school construction, and we need it today!

Mrs. Landingham:
To say nothing of 53 people trapped in an embassy.

Bartlett:
Yes.

Mrs. Landingham:
You know, if you don't want to run again, I respect that. [stands up] But if you don't run 'cause you think it's gonna be too hard or you think you're gonna lose - well, God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.

Sandy:
Mr. President, can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?

Bartlet:
I'm sorry, Sandy, there was a bit of noise there, could you repeat the question?

Sandy:
Can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?

[Bartlet slides his hands off the podium, puts them in his pockets, looks away and smiles]

Leo:
Watch this...