Titus, Season 2

[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]

Ken:
Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!

Titus:
He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!

Nurse Kathy:
Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.

Titus:
Whoa, whoa, whoa - attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!

Ken (to Titus):
I wish you were still in my loins. I wish you never grew in your mother's womb. You should have been fetal research. You're dead to me! (slams the door in Titus' face)

Dave:
Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.

Titus:
Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.

Dave:
Is there something wrong with my sperm?

[Titus glares at Dave.]

Titus:
I'm sure of it.

Titus:
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property. And we have cake too. We're not losers.

Dave:
Taco Night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!

Titus:
Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.

Erin:
Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!

Dave:
He got to her!

Titus:
Dave, she likes me.

Dave:
[slyly] Oh, right.

[After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]

Ken:
You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!

Erin:
Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.

Titus:
Well, Mom is like a criminal.

[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]

Juanita:
He's probably stuck in traffic.

Titus:
[accusingly] Or in a mason jar.

Dave:
Or something you put jam in!

[Titus stares at Dave.]

Titus:
Like a mason jar.

[at the hospital, after the Tituses and Fitzpatricks got into a Thanksgiving family fued]

Titus:
Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.

[Titus has shrieked after having his shoulder re-located]

Dave:
Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?

Titus:
[scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?

Dave:
Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.

[Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend.]

Tommy:
You said make it look like an accident!

Titus:
[incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?

Dave:
Yeah, dumbass.

Ken:
Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?

Titus:
I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.

[Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]

Ken:
He sounds like some dime store shrink!

Bill:
Stanford, actually.

[talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house]

When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the couch to see what was a matter.

I went to the window and tore open the blinds,

And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind!

And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear,

She was bangin' on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled right 'bout to here.

And I knew the window couldn't take it.

As she screamed, "Unlock it, you bastard, or, I swear, I'll break it!"

Well, I couldn't do that; it was a rented place.

So I opened the door, and she punched me in the face!

And I summoned my manhood from bottom to top,

And I screamed like a little girl…"I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

Titus:
Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute. I'm not an idiot.

Titus:
Okay, what's the record?

Dave:
(through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!

Titus:
What?

Dave:
Fifteen stairs!

Titus:
All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!

Dave:
Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!

Titus:
I can hear the ocean.

Erin:
Christopher, you know how some girls have dreams about being beauty queens, or astronauts, or doctors?

Titus:
No.

Erin:
My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.

Titus:
My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield.

[Titus is showing Kathy the video of Ken's drunk driving arrest.]

Titus:
Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?

[Dave proudly raises his hand.]

Titus:
Besides Dave?

[Titus has lost his business and kicked Erin out.]

Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!

Ken:
You know, I liked you better when you had hope.

Titus:
No, you didn't.

Titus:
I do a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk.

Erin:
I'm in a sack.

Titus And when I'm sober!

[Titus has put Erin in a sack]

Tommy:
I'm letting her out.

Titus:
Go ahead.

Tommy:
OWWW!

Titus:
She might bite you.

[Spotting a hitchhiker]

Titus:
It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.

Ken:
Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!

[Having been tricked by Erin into spending time together, Titus and Ken plot on how to pay her back.]

Titus:
What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?

Ken:
Throw hot acid in her face.

[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]

Titus:
Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.

Ken:
I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!

Ken Titus:
Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!

Christopher:
Hi, Dad.

Ken Titus:
I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!

Jerry October:
Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.

Ken Titus:
All these people have kids?

Jerry October:
Dave, why don't you tell us what you really want?

Dave:
(sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!

[Titus learns that Erin has been working as a waitress in a strip club.]

Titus:
Why didn't you drag her out of there?

Ken:
You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

Titus:
Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.

Ken:
All right, how much?

Titus:
Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.

Ken:
Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?

Titus:
"Numbuts"?

Ken:
Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?

Titus:
What?

Ken:
Five grand.

Titus:
You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!

Tommy:
It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!

Amy:
Yeah. And I'm looking at her.

Ken Titus:
There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.

Tommy:
I'm not gay!

Ken Titus:
Yeah, tell it to your shirt.

Titus:
Dave, thank God you're not dead!

Dave:
Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.

Titus:
I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!

[After throwing Titus through a window]

Sgt. Gordon:
Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.

Michael:
This will be my third strike.

Erin:
He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!

Titus:
Get to the bad part!

Cop:
We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.

Dave:
Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!

Titus:
Dave!

Dave:
I mean, my secret stash of... pot.

Ken:
Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.

Jay Leno:
That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?

Ken:
No.

Jay Leno:
Then shut up, then!

Christopher:
People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.

Erin:
You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.

Ken Titus:
Cars are heavy.

Erin:
Everybody knows that!

Ken Titus:
So does he, thanks to me!

Titus:
Where's my tux?

Tommy:
Somebody's bringing it.

Titus:
"Somebody" who?

Tommy:
Nobody. Dave.

Titus:
No!

Dave:
[walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!

Bill:
Where is all of this anger coming from?

Titus:
Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!

Titus:
How many massacres have started off with "Surprise!"? Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. (breaks down crying): My uncle's 50th birthday...I WAS THERE, MAN! (wailing): How many more have to die?!

Titus:
When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life. (chokes up): And I was stunned...because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.

Titus:
Hey, guys, you know you're out in public. In front of people. Bumping nipples!

Titus:
Don't screw Erin over. Because she hangs onto everything. She's exactly like Buddha. You know, if Buddha was vengeful, angry and laid down a whole lot of whoop-ass. So, the other Buddha.

Ken (introducing Tommy to a bartender):
Tommy, I want you to meet Clyde. He knows how to squeeze a ball.

Titus:
Okay, Dad's not good at marriage, so I don't want him sitting next to...anybody. Erin's parents, gotta keep them separated. Marriage will make people do funny things, like suffer through 35 years of mutual hate and soul-torturing pain that can never be erased. (whispers): They're Catholic. [...] Okay, put Dave next to Erin's sister...no, that's a drug deal waiting to happen. We have Michael, Erin's brother...oh, great, now I have to invite cops.