Top Gear, Series 15

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, on new serious Top Gear, James catches fire, Richard knocks something over, and I crash a Reliant Robin into a lamp post.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his discharge is luminous, and that even as we speak, he is appearing on the main stage at Glastonbury performing his most famous hit, Superstition. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

Jeremy:
I don't believe that, the most exciting thing I've ever seen and some idiot at Television Centre cut to an advertisement for a stupid little Korean hatchback.

James:
It's a good job ITV didn't cover the moon landings. 10 foot. BEEP. Five foot. BEEP. [singing] If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit...

[During the News]

James:
Everybody, good news! Wait, it's better than you think! The new Dacia Duster is coming to the UK! (Crowd cheers and applauses)

[During the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car segment]

Nick Robinson:
Wow, I like the smell of burning rubber. God, it's addictive!

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, James gets wet, an actual spin doctor on our track, and the Stig laps a Reliant Robin.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned from the Northampton branch of Little Chef, and that his favorite airline pilot is Mark Webber. Two actually, all we know of course, he's the Stig!

Jeremy:
The only reason you two didn't buy a Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth is because you've forgot about it.

Jeremy:
Come on, I'm the tallest thing here.

Richard:
It's not as bad as you think actually!

Jeremy:
I'm trying to be killed by lightning!

Richard:
What?

Jeremy:
I'm trying to be killed by lightning!

Richard:
Sorry?

Jeremy:
... Are you deaf?!

Richard:
Sorry?

[When arguing over the fact that Richard's BMW M3 E36 car is more spacious than Jeremy's Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth and James' Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.3-16 Cosworth by the judges]

Jeremy:
This is ridiculous!

Richard:
The judges' decisions are final!

Jeremy:
Say, say the BMW is the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria. It's...that's, that's like saying, "Who's the tallest Top Gear presenter? It's Richard Hammond because he's from Birmingham!".

Richard:
No! It's not!

Jeremy "Who's the fastest driver of the three? It's James May because he's wearing his Mum's curtain!"

Richard:
No, it really is, it really is the most spacious car. That's the fact, and that's the judges' decision, live with it!

James:
Hey! Good news! No, I have secured some top secret film taken inside the factory of the new Dacia Duster being made.

Jeremy:
Excellent! Excellent! [quickly] anyway..

[On the Porsche 911 Sport Classic]

James:
Here it is. Porsche call it the Sport Classic, but I prefer to think of it as, "Now that's what I call the best of the 911 Volume 1".

[On the Porsche Boxster Spyder]

James:
There's more, or rather less. There is no standard air con. The door handles are being replaced by these little bits of rag, and they even dished the piece of plastic that goes on top of the instrument. What Porsche do, is they...they leave a lot of things that you should get on the Boxster on a shelf, in a factory, and then they charge you more for not giving them to you.

James:
This is a really happy car. It's full of vibrant energy and enthusiasm, it's a bit like of those really stupid dogs, I bet if you threw a ball, it'd chase after it.

[The ADAC Test Results]

Richard:
What would be a good score on this? A new car will score, a good car?

ADAC Man:
150 points.

Jeremy:
I will go first with my score. Are we ready? 58!

James:
58. That's good. (looks at the results) 19!

Jeremy:
19? That's not so good.

James:
No.

Jeremy:
Hammond?

Richard:
6!

(James bursts in laughter, followed by the ADAC Man.)

...

Jeremy:
Would you say the BMW is dangerous?

ADAC Man:
Yes.

Jeremy:
[voiceover, with the scene showing Richard Hammond driving very slowly] This had a dramatic effect on the way Hammond drove.

Richard:
(slowly) 6? I don't know how you could score less. Would have to have, like, wheels missing. Or a tiger in it.

Jeremy:
(mimicking the opening sequence) Tonight, on first gear. Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a deathtrap.

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, Richard drives a muscle car, I wear some unusual trousers and there's a wizard in our Reasonably Priced Car.

[Comparing the three luxury supercars' looks]

Jeremy:
You've got [Pointing at the Aston Martin Rapide] the ballet dancer, [Pointing at the Maserati Quattroporte GTS] the hitman, and... [Pointing at the Porsche Panamera]

Richard:
Someone who's just been found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.

Jeremy:
Yes. And THAT [pointing at the Maserati] is the man who threw him there. [Richard and Jeremy laugh]

Richard:
Wait, I wanted to drive the Maserati!

Jeremy:
[In a high-pitched voice, while driving away] Toodalooooooooo!

[Trying to adjust the settings in the Maserati Quattroporte GTS]

James:
Manual, semi-automatic... oh, these are the weapons! [In the back, Jeremy and Richard laugh]

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that if you hold him in the wrong way he doesn't work properly. (laughter) And that just recently, he developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barrichello. All we know is he's called the Stig.

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I wear a hat. Richard wears a hat. And James wears a hat.

[During the news]

Jeremy:
It has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.

James:
Well, they can't.

Richard:
Yeah, realistically they can't...

Jeremy:
No, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.

[after arriving in his modified Land Rover Cottage at the start point, Fleet services on the M3]

Richard:
And here it is. I´m genuinely genuinely proud of it.

Richard:
(voiceover) But before I had a chance to talk you through, Jeremy arrived. In what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he spent all week daydreaming about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer. [laughter] And that he's terrified the BBC will reveal his salary, because he's paid in strong pornography. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

Richard:
[After describing the problems in his Land Rover] Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...

[The camera cuts to the front of Jeremy's car, which is swaying from side to side rather violently due to the height of Jeremy's "flats"]

Jeremy:
[trying desperately to control his Citroen] Ahh! Ahh! AHHH! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! I can't begin to describe what this feels like. Oookay, wallowing quite badly. [narrating] I asked James to pull in behind to assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [the camera cuts to inside James' car, where James is roaring with laughter.] And to be honest, nor was Hammond. [the camera cuts to inside Richard's car, where he is also in complete hysterics.]

Jeremy:
I've cocked up, I know I've cocked up. Wahaaa, low bridge!

Richard:
[over the walkie-talkie after Jeremy cleared the bridge] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?

Jeremy:
[to himself, muttering] No, I didn't. [over the walkie-talkie] Yes!

Richard:
He hasn't got a clue.

[Jeremy sees he is being overtaken by a huge lorry]

Jeremy:
[gasp of horror, then] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

James:
[over the walkie-talkie, after witnessing Jeremy swerving frantically to maintain control and avoid the lorry] Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had on a road journey in my whole life! It's absolutely hilarious!

Jeremy:
[lifts the Citroen's bonnet] Holy moley! What manner of terrible thing has happened under my bonnet? It's actually had diarrhoea, is what's happened here.

[at the beach]

Richard:
I, um, have had to leave some of the panels at the camp site. Well, all of them, pretty much, and that, um... [we see Richard inside the back of the Land Rover, which has no panels] ...has sort of compromised privacy, rather. [a crowd of men on the beach watch him] Yeah, they're not gonna go, are they?

Jeremy:
Sitrep. Don't like driving my Citroen, don't like sleeping in my Citroen, almost certainly won't like cooking in it either.

[Richard Hammond has set fire to his motor home while trying to cook part of a three-course meal, and it has spread rapidly after failing to extinguish it]

Jeremy:
He's actually set fire to metal, how's he done that?!

[after they leave the campsite]

Jeremy:
[over the walkie-talkie] James May.

James:
[also over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy Clarkson.

Jeremy:
What's it like driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?

James:
Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment? [Jeremy laughs]

Jeremy:
[as they drive over a bridge and his block of flats starts to sway again] Woah!... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

[while Jeremy is supposed to be getting an ice cream for James and Richard...]

Richard:
[narrating] While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.[speaking to James] You see where it drops away to the edge of the cliff?

James:
Yeah.

Richard:
If we pushed his car there, just park it on the edge. He won't be able to go forwards obviously...

James:
I know what you're thinking.

Richard:
...He'd never back it up.

James:
That's brilliant!

Richard:
Go on stick it down there, 'cause he'll see it from the bottom, he'll see the tower on the edge. [laughs]

James:
He's taken the [keys].

Richard:
Well push it, push it, push it!

[they start to push Jeremy's block of flats to the edge]

[cut to Jeremy who is licking an ice-cream on the pier, with the three cars on a cliff in the far background]

Jeremy:
That's good. [takes another lick] That's very good.

[cut back to James and Richard]

James:
The handbrake's off.

Richard:
Just get it, just get it right to the edge...

James:
Yeah yeah.

Richard:
I reckon if we...

James:
Oh hang on...

Richard:
That's not...

James:
Oh f***..!

[cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy:
In weather like this, amongst scenery like that, holidaying in England...[takes a lick of the ice-cream]...even in a motor-home does make sense. [to the cameraman] Is that alright?

[as he's saying this his block of flats tumbles over the cliff, disintegrating into rubble in the process]

Jeremy:
[seeing the crew look behind him] What?[turns to look, sees the wreckage of his car lying on the beach, and turns back] What's that?

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! I repeat: Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! And she's brought Tom Cruise along!

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon. (crowd laughs) And that he spent all week pushing an effigy of Rubens Barrichello through his desk fan. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, Richard wears a towel, James and I eat some crisps, and a fly is in our reasonably-priced car.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he's recently been releasing pop records under the pseudonym of "Lady Gaga", and that under his racing suit, he also wears a red g-string and suspenders. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

[On Jeff Goldblum's lap]

Jeremy:
Here's what a little bird has told me, you did the entire lap, apart from the start, in third gear?

Jeff Goldblum:
Well, this is the first I've heard that that might not be advisable. [laughter]

Jeremy:
[to Richard] Could you just make that go a bit further in the back?

Richard:
[adjusting Jeremy's seat belt] I don't want you to ever say that to me again!

Richard:
Has The Stig ever been to a car wash before?

Jeremy:
No, it'll be a whole new experience for him.

[After Richard introduced his Porsche GT3 RS]

Jeremy:
What you've brought, mate, is a knife to a gunfight.

Richard:
How do you make that out?

Jeremy:
Let me explain, OK? Premiership [pointing to James' Ferrari 458 Italia], Premiership [pointing to his Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG], [pointing to Richard's Porsche] Johnstone's Paint Trophy.

Jeremy:
Can I just say how nice it is to be the elder statesman here with the grown-up car?

Richard:
With those doors? "Look at me, I'm an eagle and I'm here!" Can you get an optional extra where you hit a button and CO2 flows out as you get out in a Darth Vader costume?

Jeremy:
[high-fiving the lady] High-five! [high-fiving the mayor] Never high-fived a mayor before.

Right, chaps! Little drive. And I solemnly promised, with my hand in the air, that we'd wouldn't go fast.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Sadly, though, we forgot.

Jeremy:
Hammond, what is it that happens you drive a Ferrari 458 very fast - on a hot day?

Richard:
I believe it catches fire.

James:
Yeah, yeah, only a few have caught fire.

James:
[voiceover] Because my car didn't catch fire, Jeremy got bored and became a yobbo.

Jeremy:
How do you get the arse to kick out on this thing?

[After Richard and James leaves behind Jeremy to go to the hotel]

Richard:
Not going to be the same without the big ape, is it?

James:
What a bin lid, honestly!

Richard:
He is a yobbo, though, isn't he? Four laps and he'd trashed it just by messing about. He doesn't think ahead.

Jeremy:
[over the radio] I can still hear you, you short arse! [Richard laughs]

[During the news]

Jeremy:
And the big news is, James and Richard have both had a horrible accident with a Flymo.

Richard:
No, no, listen!

Jeremy:
You must have noticed.

Richard:
No - it was the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost the hair. I'm done.

Jeremy:
And you actually think it's ended, dressed as Adam and the Ants?

James:
He's Sergeant Pepper.

Richard:
I've moved on.

James:
What would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?

Jeremy:
You can shut up, because in that film, you looked like Ted Nugent and now you look like Kojak. Where's it gone?

Richard:
It is noticeable, mate.

James:
That from a man, ladies and gentlemen, who presumably was bald until puberty.

Jeremy:
Ah, now, Rich, would you like some pussy? [laughter]

Richard:
[looking confused] Well, it wasn't on my mind right now, it is now. I... Eh?

Jeremy:
Pussy... Energy Drink. [showing off the canned drink]

Richard:
[laughing] I see! I did wonder.

James:
What flavour is it?

Jeremy:
Flavour? [checking the can]

Richard:
Leave it! Leave it!

James:
Steady on, man. Leave it!

James:
Blind hill! Aaaaaargh!

Richard:
Aaaaaargh!

Jeremy:
[reading from the card] At this racetrack you can do so much more than race your car. You can also, for instance, learn... Learn how to do a drive-by shooting.

James:
Is that man walking along playing with his testicles?

[Explaining his version of Olympics to Danny Boyle]

Jeremy:
OK, what I'm seeing, OK, the gates come open, the gates are on fire. Some Jags come in, XKRs. On full opposite lock, on fire. And the guy, instead of having a torch, on fire, what if the whole man is on fire? He runs along and leaps into the big saucer-y thing with the flames and that goes on fire. The crowd could be on fire... Every single thing. Because then it could be like Top Gear.

Jeremy:
[on the TV studio's identity] Could be Good Morning America. That is a big show. Hammond will be desperate to get there first. Because ever since he was a fetus, he's been destined to appear on American television. With his teeth and his hair and everything.

James:
This burst of acceleration could decide who goes on American television!

[During the news]

James:
As you know, last week, there was some sort of football match on at the same time as us so I just wondered, who here watched Top Gear last week? Hands up if you did.

[Everyone except for Jeremy raises their hands]

Richard:
I did! It was great! Jeremy? You?

Jeremy:
I couldn't watch it.

James:
Well, I be honest, I found the bit with the wedding a bit cringeworthy but I struggled on and made it to—

Jeremy:
No, I mean that I couldn't watch it because I was in Johannesburg.

Richard:
Watching the finals. Oh great! So, the one week where we wanted to call in a bit of loyalty and you decided to go to South Africa and watch a Dutchman kick a Spaniard in the heart.

Jeremy:
Yes, I did.

[during the news]

Jeremy:
Now normally I wouldn't bring this up, but Citroën UK has appointed a new sales director OK? And his name is Charles Peugeot. [laughter]

James:
No, it isn't!

Jeremy:
I have photographic proof from Citroën [photo is shown on screen, proving that he is indeed named Charles Peugeot]

Richard:
It is! What were they thinking? What's his email address gonna be, charles.peugeot@citroën! [audience laughs]

James:
Hang on, hang on! What if they are lots of people called Charles Peugeot working at Citroën, so he ends up being [dissolves into laughter], charles.peugeot405! Sorry, it wasn't worth it!

Jeremy:
The Stig has gone... We're like Genesis now.

Richard:
We're not like Genesis!

Jeremy:
We are! And Then There Were Three!

Richard:
I hate Genesis!

James:
I hate the Stig!