Top Gear, Series 17

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Richard Hammond buys a cup of coffee; James May slips on some snow...

James:
I hate snow.

Jeremy:
...and we show a picture of Steve McQueen.

[on the MG 6]

Jeremy:
I don't think the factory where it's being made in Longbridge is modern at all, because I've got the press release they sent out here and it says the first car was driven off the line by the only woman who works there.

Richard:
That's not very modern, is it.

Jeremy:
No.

Richard:
Did they go on to say, "and best of all, she has a smashing pair of knockers!"

James:
Don't tell me, it says next "Don't worry chaps, we'll let her drive it off, but we won't let her park it!"

[on the BMW 1M]

Jeremy:
So, what do we got here? Well, there's a straight-6 engine at the front, a manual gearbox in the middle and drive goes to the back. That's page 1, chapter 1 from the Petrosexual Handbook.

Jeremy:
Ladies and Gentlemen, we ARE not worthy, please welcome Alice Cooper!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: I find a bicycle in a river; James annoys a dog; and Richard jumps over a dyke!

Jeremy:
This is a place of screaming engines and tire smoke. It is a cathedral to the god of thunder and the mistress of power--the natural home then--for James May.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he can't eat mashed potato, for religious reasons. And that he recently received 47,000 tickets, Olympic tickets, all of them... for the final of the women's wrestling. All we know is, he's called The Stig!

Jeremy:
But - but I think there is a problem with this car... because they've called it... The Growler.

[laughter from the audience]

Richard:
Yeah. Now... now, we... we... we Googled growler [laughter] and we were quite surprised and a bit shocked by what it turns out to mean.

Jeremy:
And do you know, Richard, I've forgotten what it is. What does it mean? Can you tell the ladies and gentlemen?

Richard:
Well, you know those... big welcome mats you might see on a girl in the '70s? [laughter]

Jeremy:
That's what it is!

Richard:
Yeah.

James:
Why would you name your car after that?

Jeremy:
Honestly, James, I don't think they knew. I think they're sitting in Zurich, or wherever they are. This is the first time they've realised that growler means that in England. And they'll be sitting going, "Gott in Himmel! Wolfgang, ve have accidentally named ze car after ein Fraugarten!"

[laughter from Richard and the audience]

James:
Look, the car, the Growler... is it based on an XK? Has it got four seats?

Jeremy:
No, you can't get in the back.

[brief pause then laughter from Richard and the audience applauses]

Jeremy:
Everybody's turned over to Countryfile.

Richard:
What? What?!

James:
I'm not, uh, I'm not sure they're going to sell very many of those.

Jeremy:
No, neither do I. There's another reason why. It costs £670,000.

Richard:
Ouch!

Jeremy:
Yeah. There probably will be a trimmed-down version later, but I bet you... [laughter] just for the Brazilian market.

Richard:
I'm sorry. It's called a Growler.

James:
There's a bloke at some point who is going to say, "I'm just going outside to wax the Growler."

[laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience]

Jeremy:
Wax the Growler.

Richard:
Oh, you dirty bugger!

Jeremy:
[trying to say he can't get out of the car in Italian to 2 service station workers]

[subtitle:
My prawns don't function]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I talk to two old ladies; Richard makes a phone call; And James sniffs his own armpit.

[while testing the McLaren's suspension on the corner of Bentley Bend on the Top Gear test track]

Jeremy:
You'd get more of a jolt if you drove a Rolls-Royce over a Jaffa cake.

[while reviewing the McLaren MP4-12C]

Jeremy:
When you drive a Lamborghini it's like you're operating a horse with some mustard stuck up its bottom, but when you drive this - it's like you're operating the sort of machine they use, I imagine, in ophthalmic surgery

Jeremy:
The McLaren, then, is like a pair of tights. Very practical and very sensible. The Ferrari, though, that is a pair of stockings.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he refuses to acknowledge the existence of Nottinghamshire. And that he recently received a very strong e-mail from his fiancee's mother saying it's bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet. All we know is he's called the Stig!

Jeremy:
What kind of bird can have a gallon of guano in its gut and still take off and achieve sufficient altitude to defecate on my Range Rover?!

Richard:
A big one!

James:
Maybe it was a flying cow.

Richard:
What?

Jeremy:
James, you really do live in Hammersmith, don't you?

Richard:
We should bear in mind this is the man who believes cows lay eggs, and he does. He said that on the show.

Jeremy:
You say that -

James:
I said eggs come from cows.

Richard:
Well, you see...

Jeremy:
It is genuinely unbelievable that that car [pointing to Richard's Bentley Turbo R] costs exactly the same as this car [referring to the Nissan Pixo]. Of course, we're not thick. Well, he is [points to Richard]. But even he knows that the Bentley was hand-made in England - and saying something was hand-made in England is just a way of saying the door's going to fall off.

Richard:
Subaru Impreza, in budget, in the correct blue with gold alloys. Lovely.

Jeremy:
WRX, this one.

Richard:
It is, yes.

Jeremy:
Could you get an STI - in budget?

Richard:
No.

Jeremy:
P1.

Richard:
No.

Jeremy:
RB5.

Richard:
Now you're just saying letters and numbers.

Jeremy:
SK1?

Richard:
That's the postcode for Stockport.

[In Jeremy's Mercedes-Benz CL 600]

Jeremy:
Let me just try the linguatronic, make sure that's working OK. [to the radio] Radio Two.

Male Voice on Radio:
Capital. Radio 4. News Direct.

Female Voice on Radio:
Cancel.

Jeremy:
That's working brilliantly. Exactly like every linguatronic system I've ever encountered. Total disobedience! [laughs]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I use a machine. James writes on a blackboard. And Richard lobs fruit into a caravan.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he once hacked into his own helmet, and that he thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell. All we know is he's called the Stig.

[During The News]

Jeremy:
Yes, there's just one problem with the launch control. It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.

Richard:
Why?

Jeremy:
No, seriously, when you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right, a series of switches. Then you put your left foot on the brake, plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, yeah, and when the lights go green you take your foot of the brake and it goes. Computer sorts it out, as you say. So, OK, you're at the lights, [imitating loud engine noise] MEHHHH! And everyone's looking at you thinking, what an unintelligent man. [laughter]

Richard:
It does makes a bit of a scene.

Jeremy:
It does really.

James:
You know what the most uncivilized thing you can do with a car - is to use launch control at a zebra crossing. [laughter]

Jeremy:
MEHHHH! Come on, old lady!

Richard:
It would hurry 'em up!

Jeremy:
Can we just say one other thing as well, about launch control? Only one of us has it fitted to our car.

Richard:
Yeah, true.

Jeremy and Richard:
Is it, no, it's him! [both point at James, who smiles sheepishly]

Jeremy:
James May has launch control.

James:
Yeah, but I don't use it.

Richard:
Really?

Jeremy:
You don't say!

James:
No, it's -

Richard:
Are you sure? Every time you leave the pie shop, "Thanks for the pies, I'm off! MEHHHH!"

Richard:
I always struggle throwing boxes away.

Jeremy:
Why?

Richard:
Well because if you take the washing machine out of it, and fit that in your kitchen, and there's the box, all crisp and new and empty and I can't help but look at it, and part of my mind sees the potential. You look at it and you think, wow, that could be, like, a castle, or a - you've been there! [laughter and awkward looks from Jeremy and James] Or a den, or a like car. I'm the same with shoe boxes. I don't think I've ever thrown one away ever, because you think, I could keep special things in it, or put it on it's side and you could have, like, a TV screen, or maybe you could use the big box as a spaceship and then the little one as a dashboard. Come on, you've been th-!

Jeremy:
Richard? Are you all right? Seriously, because this is a man, with, there's no other way of putting this, with a helicopter licence.

Richard:
The CAA said I was alright.

Jeremy:
I know but, the CAA, if they're watching this, will think, "He's a madman!"

James:
Well, it's not a real helicopter - it's just the box his fridge came in.

Richard:
Yeah, alright. I just make the noise! [laughter and applause]

Richard and James:
[both imitating helicopter rotor noise]

Railway Executive:
[shouting over the noise] How do we communicate in an emergency?

Passenger:
You've got to shout!

Railway Executive:
[louder] Is there a communication cord to stop the train?

Richard:
Yes, yes, yes.

Passenger:
Where is it?

Richard:
I'm going to check it, as I'm about to ask the driver, Mr. May, to slow down a little bit, just while we're serving the drinks.

[Richard proceeds to open the front window]

Richard:
[shouting] James! JAMES!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots, but I couldn't get past due to a railway network design fault.

Jeremy:
Even here, we're stuck behind caravans!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.

[the camera angle adjusts to show that a passenger is using the Scum Class's external toilet seat]

Jeremy:
Oh, for God's sake! Oh, this is really bad. A member of the working classes is taking a dump in full view of the editor of Railway Express Magazine. [the group are promptly rained on by the man's urine] Oh, whoa! No! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm very sorry about this! I can't just keep driving along like this. I'm backing off.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks.

Jeremy:
I do apologize. I do apologize!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Meanwhile...

Richard:
[over the PA system] ♪ La la la la la la la la la la la la la! ♪

[annoyed looks from the passengers]

James:
Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy.

[After Jeremy's Sports Train nearly collides with an actual diesel locomotive]

Jeremy:
Some poo's come out!

James:
[over the PA system] Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourselves. The incompetent steward is about to pour tepid coffee into your crotch.

Richard:
[over the PA system] For Christ's sake, James! Stop making f***ing announcements! That's my job! I'm the steward! You drive, I steward!

James:
It's my train! The driver makes the bleeding announcements! That's the way it is!

Jeremy:
[approaching James and Richard's train] James!

James:
What?

Jeremy:
Your train's on fire.

James:
Is it?

Jeremy:
Yes, it is.

James:
Right.

[as Richard and James extinguish the Buffet Car fire in a rail yard]

Richard:
Listen, if you ignore the fire, and the fact that we didn't get where we wanted to go, it was incredibly noisy, and the fact that all the passengers have run away...

James:
Apart from that, it was a resounding success.

Richard:
Yeah, I think we can only judge it as a success. It worked as a train. We came up with something new and unique and brilliant.

James:
Well, I think as a concept it is...

Richard:
Oh, hello. [waves to approaching train]

James:
[waves, continues] It's quite nice. But the fact is...

[the train passes by and destroys the Scum Class car]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I talk to a man in sunglasses. James draws a square on a wall. And Richard plays with a soldier's chopper.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] The foam fitting was rather disturbing.

Jeremy:
Why - what are you doing? You're in my actual anus. That was my actual anus that you put your hand in.

Jean Alesi:
It is a part of the programme!

Jeremy:
Things that just happened that I didn't think would happen today. Jean Alesi, who I used to hero-worship, is playing with my genitals.

Jeremy:
Hammond, I suspect the driving position has got you in mind in a Scorpion.

Richard:
Is that what this is?

Jeremy:
Yeah. £30,000. That's what it costs.

Richard:
[climbing into the Scorpion] Already, I'm seeing buildings just fall down of their own free will.

[All three laugh]

Jeremy:
Didn't James Blunt use one of these in Kosovo?

Richard:
[from inside the Scorpion] It's got pedals! There are pedals.

James:
I thought he had a guitar.

[Jeremy and James checks out a tank next to the Scorpion]

James:
It's the Stormer.

Jeremy:
Yeah, the Stormer. Now, come on.

James:
20 grand, maximum.

Richard:
Stormer! That's a good name.

Jeremy:
£20,000. So this, or a Ford Focus.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Mostly, they talked about health and safety so we thought we should too.

Jeremy:
Don't have an accident.

Richard & James:
Don't have an accident.

Richard:
If you do have an accident, remember... it was an accident.

[Jeremy Clarkson decides to try using explosives to speed up the demolition of one of the houses they've gone to demolish]

Jeremy:
FIRE IN THE HOLE!

[The explosives are detonated, there is a lot of smoke and dust, but all that falls is the door of the house which is otherwise intact]

Richard:
(a la Michael Caine) You only blown the bloody door off!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight, James asks a girl for a favour.

Girl:
[slowly] No.

Jeremy:
Richard listens to a man. And I polish a bishop.

[on The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his favourite T-shirt has a picture on the front of a T-shirt. And that he spent all week waiting for a big cheque from the Germans, because he too has spent the last 2,000 years sitting on his backside doing absolutely nothing at all. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[while checking on the Peugeot iOn]

Jeremy:
That's not a very big boot. You wouldn't get a dog in there. [brief pause after realizing what he just said] Discussing luggage space is like I'm back on old Top Gear.

James:
Can I get a beard?

Jeremy:
[voiceover] And what's more, the Leaf can even deliver your own personal Greenpeace lecture.

[short jingle]

Jeremy:
It's talking! [looking visibly surprised while it speaks]

Electronic female voice:
By the 12th of May, electric cars worldwide saved a total of 344,000 eco-trees.

Jeremy:
What!?

Electronic female voice:
And 659 tonnes of carbon-dioxide has been reduced.

Jeremy:
What do they mean? What's an eco-tree? What are you saying woman?

Jeremy:
These days eco-ism is seen as cool. People like James May and me, petrol heads, we're - we're dinosaurs really. So if you have one of these cars with zero emission and full electric plastered down the side, you are more likely to get a girlfriend. [voiceover] You just have to hope she doesn't live at the other end of the country.

Jeremy:
Use some of your charm. It will begin with the word "hello". Ready? [imitates James] "Hello."

James:
Hello. We were just wondering, we're trying to... We've got two electric cars.

Waitress:
Right.

[camera cuts to Jeremy, who is a short distance away from James]

Jeremy:
James has a way with women. I should imagine he'll be able to talk her into it, no problem at all.

[camera switches back to James]

James:
..it's going to take 12 hours.

Waitress:
[slowly, after a long pause] ...No.

[while brass rubbing in the Lincoln Cathedral]

Jeremy:
I would never normally be brass rubbing - and do you know why I've never done it? 'Cause all the cars I've ever owned have been powered by petrol or diesel. Look [points to his rubbing], it's Hammond, only in a diving bell.

James:
It does look a bit like Hammond, actually.