Top Gear, Series 3

Top Gear (2002-present) is a BAFTA and Emmy Award winning BBC television series about motor vehicles, mainly cars.

[after James's 5-series film]

Jeremy:
Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?

James:
Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.

Jeremy:
That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!

James:
It is a superb-looking car.

Jeremy:
It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.

James:
Rubbish.

[...]

James:
All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?

Jeremy:
No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.

James:
Right. So you're not having one of those.

Jeremy:
No.

James:
You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.

Jeremy:
Uh, no.

James:
You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.

Jeremy:
I might!

James:
No you wouldn't.

Jeremy:
No, you're right, I wouldn't.

James:
And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.

Jeremy:
No.

James:
You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!

Jeremy:
I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.

[interviewing Rob Brydon]

Jeremy:
You have had the most wretched car history of anyone I've ever, ever met. We start off, where were we, radio DJ...

Rob:
[DJ voice] BBC Radio Wales. Good morning!

Jeremy:
You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo.

Rob:
Brand new.

Jeremy:
Brand new! Things going well. Your next car... is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton. What in God's name possessed you to do that?

Rob:
You know, my dad came across it, you know, it was reasonably priced... it was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton -

Jeremy:
Brown!

Rob:
Wait, let me finish. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. It was a nice car, it got me from A to B, that was not the worst of my cars.

Jeremy:
What, you're trying to say the green Sierra you had was -

Rob:
That was the worst, yes.

Jeremy:
What possessed you to do that?

Rob:
Um, my dad came across it, you know, it was a good price...

Jeremy:
Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort?

Rob:
Now! The 1992 Ford Escort, I thought, and I don't know anything about cars -

Jeremy:
That's obvious.

Rob:
- was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it, actually.

Jeremy:
Have you ever actually watched Top Gear? 'Cause you might...

Rob:
I've never seen a whole one, no. [Jeremy looks dismayed, audience applauds] It clashes with Heartbeat, OK, which goes against you.

Jeremy:
I know! But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff. You should try to watch one all the way through. Because after the Escort... you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen...

Rob:
Oh, I know what you're going to say now, yeah. OK.

Jeremy:
... a Mitsubishi Carisma. Why on Earth did you buy one of those?

Rob:
Well, my dad came across it... [audience laughs]


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