Top Gear, Series 5

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: just the thing for an already confused world, another Porsche 911; we get sand in the trunks of 3 muscle cars; and how many bouncy castles can you jump in an ice-cream van?

Jeremy:
(About the Porsche 996) "[...] it wasn't so much a car, more a place where a fat, balding, middle-aged man could go off and have his mid-life crisis... I liked it a lot!"

James:
[on the Monaro's high gearing and enormous torque] Here I am, doing sixty miles an hour, in top gear [6th], and the engine is turning over at 1,500rpm - 1500! It's idling! You fat Aussie slacker!

James:
[Testing the Chrysler 300C on the beach] Stop interfering, you piece of... cheap electronic tat!

Jeremy:
[On the Porsche 997 Carrera] So to sum up. The new Carrera is pretty much the same as old one except the gear lever comes off. This, however, is not a standard Carrera. This is a Carrera S. And the S stands for: So, fat, balding, middle-aged man, go and have your mid-life crisis somewhere else.

Jeremy:
[On the Porsche 911 range] "And then the 3.8 S with the chrono sport pack, for thin, chiselled-jawed people who have no friends. Like the Stig, for instance!"

Jeremy:
"The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won't let me turn the traction control off!"

[On the Hummer aftershave]

Jeremy:
It comes in a jerrycan of repressed homosexuality.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: the Ferrari Enzo, the Jaguar XJ220, the Pagani Zonda, the McLaren F1, the Ferrari F40 and the Porsche Carrera GT!

[comparing the Porsche Carrera GT to the McLaren F1]

Jeremy:
This car, then, ticks all the health-and-safety boxes. It's like an Airbus, very safe and very civilized, where as the old McLaren... that's like Concorde. Unfortunately, like Concorde, it was flawed. Even its biggest fans, and I'm not one of them, say that the gearbox is clunky, the steering's too heavy, the front's too vague, and the back end... is skittish.

[on the McLaren F1]

Jeremy:
You know that bit in Dr. Strangelove, when Peter Sellers is astride the nuclear missile? That's what it's like... You don't know where you're going, you're in no real control, you just know the journey's going to end very soon, and very badly!

[While testing a Ferrari Enzo borrowed from Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason.]

Jeremy:
Ummagumma!

Jeremy:
This is the division bell between the ordinary and the absolutely astonishing.

Jeremy:
That is the delicate sound of thunder" [referring to the noise made by the V12 engine]

Jeremy:
You set the controls for the heart of the sun, and just like that... you're on the dark side of the Moon.

Jeremy:
Atom heart mother!

Jeremy:
It's a saucerful of secrets!

Jeremy:
Ohh.. wish you were here, just to feel this power!

Jeremy:
Now then, we can give this car back to Mr. Mason, because we're done with it. But look at how he's going home.

[Mason steps into a helicopter to the opening strains of Money and flies away]

Jeremy:
[As he waves goodbye] Why's he doing that?

Jeremy:
These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing.

Jeremy:
All that comes out of the exhaust pipes on this Porsche, are baby foxes.

Jeremy:
Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the oil.

James:
Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronising Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn into a museum. He wants the East End for the cheeky Cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels and he wants northernists to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of consumption - Good morning Bill, I've got the consumption, it's tradition alright. I say Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big video cameras saying Gee, I love your history, it's just so old. SOD OFF!

Jeremy:
Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...

Richard:
[very calm thus far] Oh, right.

Jeremy:
[reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.

Richard:
[frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?

Jeremy:
You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...

Richard:
She said that? She sounds all right!

Jeremy:
Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.

[Audience laughs]

Richard:
It's a modern world, that's all right.

Jeremy:
But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?

Richard:
Not really, no...

Jeremy:
The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.

Richard:
Broadmoor?

Jeremy:
He's getting out soon and he wants to know-

Richard:
But he could be watching now! Shut up!

Jeremy:
[Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'

Richard:
No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?

James:
Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.

Richard:
I don't like that.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!

Jeremy:
(Reading a safety warning on the Viper) "'This is an open vehicle - drive carefully.' No!"

Jeremy:
Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.

[On the Wally 118]

Richard:
Welcome to the coolest thing in the entire world, a boat...If Darth Vader was a pirate, this would be his ship.

Richard:
[While driving the Pagani Zonda Roadster through a tunnel] There are demons in here! AND I'M DRIVING ONE!

Richard:
[While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] This is my new home. In fact, I would sell my house, buy one of these, and live in a tunnel...Welcome to the Dark Side!

Richard:
[While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good.

[during the conclusion of the Pagani Zonda Roadster review]

Jeremy:
This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!

Richard:
I love it, I think this is the big one.

Jeremy:
Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!

[During the news]

James:
[talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?

Jeremy:
Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.

James:
I approve of those.

Jeremy:
Why?

James:
Because I'm a motorcyclist.

Jeremy:
What's that got to do with it?

James:
There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.

Jeremy:
It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought-why?

James:
The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]

Jeremy:
Why is there no numberplate?

James:
I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.

Richard:
'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.

James:
So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.

Jeremy:
Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?

Richard:
Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...

Jeremy:
Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.

Richard:
Oh! Ooh no!

Jeremy:
It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...

[Interview with Jimmy Carr]

Jeremy:
Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.

Jimmy:
Yes, Shell.

Jeremy:
Middle Management?

Jimmy:
Yeah, middle - I was in marketing, for oil.

Jeremy:
Okay...

Jimmy:
...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Jimmy:
Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?

Jeremy:
Yeah?

Jimmy:
Buy some petrol. Job done.

Jeremy:
They make £800,000 an hour, profit. Shell.

Jimmy:
An hour? That's more than I make in a week!

Richard:
James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans.

James:
That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.

James:
[to a pizza boy at night in the woods] I suppose you are the headless pizza boy of the apocalypse, are you?

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
On tonight's show: James celebrates 50 years of guitar music... in a Mercedes; a Broken Arrow star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and I tackle the world's most fearsome race track... in a diesel.

Jeremy:
Absolutely everybody here was faster than me. [talking about the Nürburgring]

Sabine Schmitz:
Yes, that's true.

Jeremy:
Do you think I'm going to be able to get 'round in ten minutes?

Sabine:
[laughing] No.

Jeremy:
Don't sugar coat it like that, tell me straight.

Sabine:
You're not one hundred percent talent-free, but... eighty percent?

Jeremy:
Eighty percent talent free... right.

Jeremy:
[to a biker on the Nürburgring] Get a car and some proper clothes for God's sake!

Jeremy:
[pushing his beer away] Get thee behind me, juice of Johann Vegas.

Sabine:
[to Jeremy after seeing his fastest lap] I do that lap time in a van.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
On tonight's show: How fast can a blind man get round our track? How much Porsche can you get for 1500 pounds? And Britain's most successful recording artist ever is in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

[During the £1500 Porsche challenge];

Jeremy:
This was a hugely advanced car when it first came out: polyurethane bumpers; first car ever to have passive rear wheel steering... I've always, always... oh my God, I've got steam.

Richard:
Is Jeremy breaking down?

Jeremy:
Uh, guys, I've got a lot of steam coming out of the bonnet.

James:
Did he say I've got some speed, or I've got some steam?

Jeremy:
[voice over] No, it was definitely steam and it was erupting after just two miles.

[Jeremy discovers a leak in his Porsche's cooling system and "fills" it with about 10L of water before giving up, with it gushing from the radiator almost as quickly]

James:
Jeremy and Richard have gone off inside to buy an egg, in the hope that we can use that old trick of mixing the egg white into the coolant system and that will find and block...

Jeremy:
This, [He shows a chocolate Creme Egg] …this is Hammond's contribution. He's bought himself a chocolate egg.

Jeremy:
[on his £1500 Porsche] For the first time today I have no warning light on the dashboard - all is well. Apart from, you know, the rear windscreen wiper and the electric window and the electric door mirrors and the stereo, and the clock, and the air conditioning, and the speedometer and the milometer, and the piston ring that's eating the engine, and the big smoke coming out of the back, everything's fine.

[During the £1500 Porsche challenge]

Jeremy:
What is the next challenge?

James:
You've got to spend the change from your £1500 budget...

Jeremy:
Yeah..?

James:
And with it, you've got to improve your car as much as possible and have it judged by an independent adjudicator who is from the Porsche owner's club.

Richard:
Yeah, so you can spend all of the money from your £1500 that you didn't spend on your car... on your car.

Jeremy:
How much did you spend?

Richard:
I spent £750 on my car, so I've got £750 to spend on improving it.

James:
I spent £900 on my car which gives me £600 to spend in improving it.

Richard:
How much did you spend?

Jeremy:
[mumbling] 1500

Richard:
Sorry?

Jeremy:
1500

Richard:
So you've got nothing to spend on improving it.

[Jeremy and Richard grumble about James' success in producing a number eleven skidmark off the line with his Porsche]

Richard:
I've never seen him do anything that lairy!

Jeremy:
That is... thirty-one feet.

Richard:
Not bad.

Jeremy:
Don't tell him that. Yeah, you did about four inches, mate. Well done.

James:
Give up!

Jeremy:
Yeah, that's four inches!

James:
That's quite good!

Jeremy:
Yeah, no, that was me the other day in a Bentley.

Richard:
[After Jeremy does an "Asian number eleven" burnout - a rather sloppy 720-degree doughnut, as his car lacks the power to spin up the wheels in a straight line] You can't have that!

Jeremy:
Look, if you were from a region of China just near Tibet northeast you'd look and you go [affects terrible "Chinese" accent] "Ah, someone write ereven!"

[At the end of the challenge]

Jeremy:
So, James, how much did you sell your Nine Forty Four for?

James:
£1,400!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
On tonight's show: Richard takes an American muscle car in a road movie... across Lincolnshire; a 4-door saloon goes head-to-head with a Lamborghini; and it's the Top Gear Awards for the best and worst of 2004.

[on the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VIII MR FQ400]

Jeremy:
This is amazing! A fit young racing driver in a supercar and he cannot pull away from a fat man in a four door saloon!

Jeremy:
It has this Sonic the Hedgehog arrangement on the roof to help keep it straight and true with speed, and to help it cleave the air more easily, it has shrunken door mirrors which appear to have been modeled on Shrek's ears.

Jeremy:
[realizing when the Lamborghini Murcielago lost] Now you see? You see? You see? He's Gone! He's Gone! He's put his wiper on! [to James Kaye on the Lamborghini Murcielago] Loser! LOSER!

Jeremy:
So there we are this incredible 4 door family saloon really is as fast as a Lamborghini.

[on the Toyota Prius]

Jeremy:
See the trees smile at me as I waft by. And watch the children run into the road, because they haven't heard me coming.

[on the Toyota Prius engine display]

Jeremy:
This, I think, is a particularly good way of distracting you from the child who's run into the road having not heard you coming.

[continuing about the Prius]

Jeremy:
Actually I'm being unfair. The Prius is so slow the child could run into the road, get his ball, and hit puberty before you ever actually hit him.

[On the Porsche Boxster]

James:
Meet the new Boxster, same as the old Boxster.

[Later on]

James:
This is a bargain. The best we ever had!

[The Top Gear Awards]

James:
Now, elsewhere in the world, awards are awarded to reward excellence. But here, on the Top Gear awards, we like to award an award that rewards a car that we found particularly unrewarding... in 2... 2004... that's not quite right, is it?

Richard:
And the Hyundai Accent, which is wretched, whatever engine it has, but we were particularly depressed with three-cylinder diesel version. It really is less fun than drowning!

Jeremy:
(After being presented the Golden Cock award) "I am the Golden Cock!"

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
On tonight's show it's all about challenges! Which can get down a mountain the fastest: a rally car or a bobsleigh? Are modern-day showroom cars faster than racing cars from not that long ago? And can a Formula 1 Renault get round our track... in less than a minute?

[on the bobsled run]

Richard:
Apparently it hits 6 and a half Gs in some of those corners down there. The driver's told me that he's been doing this for six years and he's 3 centimetres shorter. I can't afford to lose 3 centimetres!!

[during the bobsled run]

Richard:
[shouting] I don't want to die in tights!

[on the French]

James:
They are a bunch of treacherous, lamb-burning, work-shy peasants.

James:
France is a country you have to drive through to get to Italy. That's all it's for.

[regarding the Ferrari 612 Scaglietti]

Dover Dock Guard:
Is this your vehicle?

Jeremy:
D'ya know what? It isn't, no!

James:
[to Richard] You're wearing tights. I can't take lectures on physics from a man in tights. Dancing, yes. Physics, no.

[after entering Switzerland, which he refers to as being in the "automotive dark ages"]

Jeremy:
The trouble with Switzerland is that they have no tolerance for speed or noise or cars, if Steve McQueen in the Great Escape made the jump into Switzerland, he'd be arrested for reckless driving.

[after being overtaken by Jeremy in his Ferrari]

James:
Permission to say 'cock' for the second time this y... I've even abandoned my luggage!

Jeremy:
[on driving the Ferrari 612 in the race to Verbier] Then you get to the Alpine pass. Them on their bus: dg dg dg dg dg dg! And you're just like, ahhhnn ahhnn ahhnnnn, trying to catch them up!

James:
[while on the train, updating Jeremy's position] Jeremy, I've just calculated, is about here [points on map, east of Dijon] at the side of the road, talking to a gendarme. But, in a few hours' time, he'll be up here [points to centre of Paris] in a place called Le Bastille. [Richard nearly spit-takes]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: we splash about in a supercharged German army halftrack; the "What Not to Wear" girls show us how not to drive; and I go Bo! Selecta in an Ariel Atom.

[on the Daewoo Tacuma]

Jeremy:
The only way you could possibly drive this car is with a box on your head, so no one could tell it's you.

[testing the Ariel Atom]

Jeremy:
So stick that in your sport exhaust, Mr. Kawasaki.

Jeremy:
[Yelling at the top of his voice over the wind noise] The Atom is fast on an entirely new level! I have never driven anything that accelerates so fast! [voiceover] It's so quick, it can destroy your entire face. [face stretches in the slipstream]. OH MY GOD!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Over the years, I've flown F-15 fighters and done power slides in airboats and strafed the desert from helicopter gunships, but for sheer excitement, this thing [the Atom] is off the scale. Even so, there will still be those who say that no car, no matter how fast it is, can ever be as exciting as a big bike.

Jeremy:
[yelling over the Atom's cockpit noise again] Oh, puh-lease! I mean, I don't have to wear a helmet in here, which means my epiglottis is full of bees! And there's so much wildlife in my hair, you could film an episode of Badger Watch in there!

Richard:
[After opening the door of a Mercedes-Benz G55 AMG] Unless I have been sorely misinformed, supermodels are powerless to resist a man with illuminated doorsills.

James:
It costs £9,400. For that you get... well, it's like a car really, only not quite as good. [Commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5 Diesel]

James:
If you've got the brochure on the Hyundai Accent on your coffee table, can I implore you please, not to do it. Buy a Fiesta, buy a second-hand Golf, go on holiday. Don't do it! [Commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5L diesel]

James:
The last Proton I drove was something called the Impian. It was a very long journey and the car was so awful that - to be honest - I wanted to harm myself. [Commenting on the Proton Gen II]

[on the Kia Magentis]

Jeremy:
I drove a manual one of these the other day and I couldn't believe it, it went 1st, 2nd... SEVENTH, 8th and 9th. Now, I know what they're trying to say, look, you got two gears for quick acceleration and three for good fuel economy. But actually, the acceleration wasn't that good and the fuel economy wasn't that good and you have nothing in the middle. This one has an automatic, which makes it, well... worse. There's a very good reason why its cheap, it's crap.

[the presenters have been told to write personal ads mentioning their cars, with points awarded for each reply]

James:
"41-year-old man with sensitive hair" [May is interrupted at this point by Clarkson and the audience's reaction but resumes] "drives Porsche 944 luxe, seeks brewery heiress or similar, must have liberal attitude to motorcycle components in the bath."

Richard:
"Porsche 924 owner"... got it in first... "good looking, mild mannered, snappy dresser, 5'11".."

Jeremy:
Whaat?! "Five foot eleven"?

James:
"Mild mannered"?

Richard:
It's a Lonely Hearts ad! If I put "angry short bloke," I won't get any replies!

Jeremy:
My ad: "Porsche 928 driver — that's the V8 one"...

Richard:
Did you actually put, "that's the V8 one"?

Jeremy:
Yes, right there, "that's the V8 one".

Richard:
You actually did, ah.

Jeremy:
"Tall, slim hips, likes books with speedboats on the cover, would like to meet someone for friendship, maybe more."

Richard:
Can I just point out: do you know where he put that ad? He put that in the "Men Seeking Men" column. [laughter]

[on the Mustang GT]

James:
The problem is, where as other muscle cars like the Charger had the good grace to die young, the Mustang lives on.