Trailer Park Boys, Season 2 (2002)

Bubbles:
Ricky just waltzes in there and becomes the king of the carts. The fuck does he expect me to do for a living? What does he want me to do, go to EI and say: 'Hello there, I've been hauling shopping carts out of ponds and I've been doing it for 18 years...so give me a fuckin' check please.' That's not goin' to fuckin' happen. I haven't even paid into UI...EI, whatever the fuck they call it these days.

Jim:
Oooh, nice Mall Cop uniform, Ricky!

Ricky:
Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey! I'm not in the mood.

Jim:
I beg your pardon. I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall-Cop like you, Rick.

Ricky:
Knock knock.

Jim:
Who's there, Rick?

Ricky:
Somebody.

Jim:
Somebody who?

Ricky:
Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor cuz you got fired from the police force cuz you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job cuz you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on you from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life! Now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Fuckin' idiot!

Julian:
What are you guys doing?

Trevor:
We're helping Sam.

Cory:
Yeah man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.

Bubbles:
You guys aren't doin' well in the thinking department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.

Ricky:
And that makes you guys dicks, 'cause you're promoting him.

Trevor:
He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.

Ricky:
Well, I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck-offs right now. Get rid of these stupid signs, you dummies.

[Ricky gives Trevor two middle fingers and throws the sign]

[Bubbles finds Ricky and Julian's dope plants in his burnt-to-the-ground shed]

Bubbles:
Oh, I think that's yours, Ricky. Stupid f... (trying to hold back tears), stupid fucking dope plants!

Ricky:
They're not dope plants, they're just...some vegetables we were growing.

Bubbles:
Oh yeah. Yeah, I fuckin' believe that, Ricky.

[Bubbles finds his bubble maker melted]

Bubbles:
Oh, for fuck's sakes! Look at that! That's my fucking bubble maker! That was the only thing I had, that my parents gave me before they fucking deserted me in this shed, which I don't have anymore! Now it's just a big melted, fuckin' blob of shit!

Bubbles:
You guys wanna see some shit? Come watch this.

[Bubbles fires his sling shot at Sam]

Sam Losco:
What the fuck?

Bubbles:
All right, arsehole, clean up this fuckin' garbage!

Sam Losco:
Now listen, get your fuckin' cats off my property, or I'm gonna call Animal Control and have 'em all put to fuckin' sleep.

Bubbles:
Oh yeah? You think you could do it if you're fuckin' knocked out? Huh huh huh huh huh huh?

[Bubbles swings a pair of nunchucks at Sam]

Tanya:
Have you read the Bible?

Bubbles:
Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. What's it to you?

Hampton:
Can you read, my son?

Bubbles:
Well, that depends. Can you go fuck yourself?

Julian:
I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.

[Julian hands Bubbles a jar of pickled eggs]

Bubbles:
Yeah? Well, my whole life was in that shed, Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in and burned the fuckin' thing right to the ground?

Julian:
Come on. This is getting ridiculous.

Bubbles:
Yeah, it is ridiculous, Julian.

Julian:
Listen. Why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place? A real home for once.

Bubbles:
That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place. It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? And guess what? I don't think I should be hangin' around with you and Ricky anymore either. Till you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.

Jim:
Okay, boys. Rule number one: No living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Bubbles:
J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the fuck out right now.

J-Roc:
Aight, here's what I'm talkin' about. You know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'? Bubbles is renting this van for twelve dollars a month. You know'm sayin'? That makes this mafucka an income property. You know'm sayin'? And once me and T get power and water goin' on, then this mafucka gonna fall under the same jurisdictions as every other trailer up in this ma'. You know'm sayin'? So why don't you and that fifteen cheeseburger-eatin', Rico Suave lookin' mafucka go on 'cause you ain't beatin' nobody! Peace.

[Tyrone laughs, slaps J-Roc's hand]

Tyrone:
That's cold, man! That's crazy! Suave-Rico cheeseburger!

J-Roc:
Oh, hang on.

[J-Roc leans his ear to Randy's gut]

J-Roc:
Can I get fifteen half-eaten cheeseburgers to go?! You know'm sayin'?

Tyrone:
Order me some too, man!

[Bubbles laughs]

Bubbles:
Talking to his gut like it's a person.

[Ricky spots Julian with Tania across from his car]

Ricky:
Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian what's this bullshit?! Fuck.

[Ricky and Julian get out of their cars]

Ricky:
Why aren't you watching the dope plants? You asshole!

Julian:
Calm down, Ricky. We're just grabbing some takeout.

Ricky:
Takeout, my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!

Electric Worker:
Whoever did this is really stupid. You're dealing with a dangerous moron.

Randy:
We know a guy who fits that description to a T, don't we, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey:
We sure do. Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?

Electric Worker:
You're not crazy, I see it all the time. Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in the power bills.

Lahey:
Bingo.

Randy:
Cops and dope don't mix, do they, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey:
Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Randy.

Ricky:
Randy, come back here for a second.

Randy:
What's up, Rick?

Ricky:
Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

Bubbles:
Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.

Randy:
Gummiworms, OK. Ja-lap-ano chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?

Julian:
(shakes his head no)

Randy:
Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

Julian:
(changes his mind) Yeah, pick me up a bag of ja-lap-ano chips.

Randy:
All right.

Ricky:
Jalapeno? What flavor is that?

Julian:
Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.

Bubbles:
The "J" is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-pee-no," not "ja-lap-ano."

Ricky:
What in the fuck are you guys talking about?

Bubbles:
Hal-a-pee-no. Hal-a-pee-no. That's how you pronounce it.

Ricky:
I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

Jim:
Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview, right now, with a warrant.

Ricky:
Bullshit!

Julian:
What are you talking about, Lahey?

Jim:
You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.

Ricky:
This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.

Bubbles:
Holy shit.

Ricky:
Great guys, what are we gonna do now?

Bubbles:
I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?

Ricky:
I don't know.

Julian:
Meeting inside, let's go!

Bubbles:
What's a shit rope?

Ricky:
He's drunk. I don't fucking know.

Bubbles:
Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?

Bubbles:
What kind of trouble can I get in for driving you guys with all this dope and these guns and all the crazy bullshit?

(cuts to Cyrus and Sam being arrested by police officers)

Ricky:
It's not a big deal, Bubbles, don't worry about it. We got in a little bit of a gun fight, I got shot a little bit, it's no big deal. A bit of dope to get rid of. We're fine.

(cuts back to the boys)

Bubbles:
I don't know, Ricky. I heard that, you know, you could get in a lot of trouble for having that much dope and guns.

Julian:
Bubbles, you'll just get a slap on the wrist, man. Everything'll be cool. You might get a fine or something, I'll take care of it, I promise.

Bubbles:
But you guys will get in big trouble.

Ricky:
It's no big- we've been in a lot worse shit than this, Bubbles. This was nothing. (sees a helicopter in the distance) What the- aw, fuck, great! A heli-fucking-copter!

Bubbles:
Oh, God!

Pilot:
Bravo Tango 1, we have the suspects heading north on Highway 1 O 3, in a Bronco pulling an Airstream trailer. Suspect is leaning out of the vehicle.

Ricky:
(leans out the window) Get the fuck out of here! There's nothing to see here! Leave us the fuck alone! We're just on vacation! I'm calling the cops 'cause you're flying way too fucking low, you assholes! (gets back in the vehicle) Fuck, this sucks right now.

Julian:
This is going to be cool, boys. We're gonna get away with this. Don't worry about it.

Ricky:
Fucking Cyrus. Fucking Sam.

Bubbles:
There's a helicopter behind us!

Ricky:
No shit! Just keep driving, we'll lose it in the trees up here or something.

(cuts to a cat standing in the middle of the road)

Bubbles:
Is that a kitty on the road?

Ricky:
I need a fucking-

Bubbles:
THERE'S A KITTY ON THE ROAD!!!

Julian:
NO!

Ricky:
DON'T DO IT!

[The Bronco swerves violently, causing it to crash]

Bubbles:
(gets out of the Bronco) Boys, come on! She's gonna blow!

Ricky:
Son of a bitch!

Bubbles:
Come on, Ricky!

[Ricky and Julian get out of Bronco]

Pilot:
Vehicle has crashed. Repeat, vehicle has crashed. Suspects are on foot.

Ricky:
I'm never getting in a vehicle with you again!

Bubbles:
I'm not gonna run over a kitty to save your dope, Ricky!

[A rooster crows and bubbles hides behind a hay bale]

Julian:
Come one, boys. Let me think.

Bubbles:
We gotta hide!

[Sirens are wailing]

Julian:
Boys! The cops! Ricky, give me your gun!

Bubbles:
I'm getting out of here!

Ricky:
Boys, the hash! The hash is still in the trailer! We gotta get it!

[A cow moos]

Julian:
Ricky, Ricky! There's no hash in the trailer!

Ricky:
What!? You smoked all the hash!?

Julian:
I sold it this morning! Check it out the evidence is on fire! They can't do shit to us!

Bubbles:
Ricky! Julian! Help me! I'm all tangled up in this fuckin' wire!

Ricky:
Cone on, guys! We gotta get out of here!

Julian:
We're not leavin'!

Bubbles:
Ricky! Julian! Help me! I'm all tangled up in this! Fuckin' wire!

Ricky:
Come on, both! We gotta get out of here!

[Julian and Ricky pulls up Bubbles]

Bubbles:
Help me out!

[The cow moos again]

Cop:
Freeze! Nobody Move!

[The other cops arrest the boys]

Ricky:
Alright, everybody calm down here! Get this fuckin' cop around here and just calm down! This guy's totally innocent! He's a farmer came out to help us out of he wreck, he saved our lives and you guys are gonne be sued if you arrest him cuz he's innocent!

Bubbles:
That's right! That's right! I can't see that well and I tripped into that wire! I don't even know what's fuckin' going on here! (The cow moos again) The helicopter over there! The cows are scared! (The cow moos again) Everybody can get the fuck off my property!

Pilot:
2 suspects in custody. Headquarters has identified another vehicle approaching. Jim Lahey, trailer park supervisor from the Sunnyvale Trailer Park. The other man with no shirt is Randy.

Jim:
Hey, boys! Good luck back in Con College!

Ricky:
Fuck you, Lahey! Gets this fuckin' helicopter out of here! Come on, guys! You know this now right now!

Jim:
Julian, you owe me $500 damage to the Airstream!

Julian:
Not a problem, Lahey! I'll give it to you as soon as I'm released!

Ricky:
Which would be in a little bit cuz we didn't do anything wrong. There's no evidence. Nothing happened. We're on a little vacation here, guys. Had a bit of an accident. Calm down. You guys don't got shit. You don't have jacked shit. There's no fuckin' evidence. Nothin'. I want your bathrooms cuz I'm soon here.

Julian:
Everything's cool here, Ricky!

Ricky:
If they think we're going to jail, they're fuckin' dreamin'! I'm suing your families, your grandparents and your fuckin' pets! I need a cigarette here! Fuck sakes!

Bubbles:
(Feeds the cow) There's the food that you like. Eat very tight. There you go.

[The cow moos again]

Bubbles:
Pretend like you know me.