Veep, Season 2

Sue:
Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the Vice President on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. [pause] Yes, Marion, we're all aware of that. Good-bye.

Dan Egan:
[regarding Kent Davison] The Pol Pot of pie charts! That guy is ruthless.

Ben Cafferty:
[regarding Kent Davison:] He's got ice in his semen.

Selina:
Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back. So, number one: what are we gonna do about it? Number two: why am I telling you this news? And number three: would you please hang up the phone because I'm the f***ing Vice President of the United States and I have something to say.

Statistician 1:
You're like Neo.

Dan:
Wow.

Selina:
What's a Neo?

Statistician 1:
He's from "The Matrix." Everything he does is awesome.

Statistician 2:
The first movie. The sequels sucked.

Jonah:
Guys, we agreed to let "The Matrix" debate lie.

Dan:
Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.

Amy:
[to her sister] You have three kids by two different guys, maybe your last word should've been 'no'.

Selina:
[very tired, hearing she has interviews to do] Oh, God.

Gary:
Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?

Selina:
No.

Gary:
No?

Selina:
I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.

Selina:
[on the phone with her ex-husband] No, I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March? [quietly to Amy] With any luck.

Selina:
Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to f*** the pig before they roasted it?

Amy:
I wouldn't presume they took turns.

Selina:
Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time. Do you understand that?

Selina:
We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.

Sue:
Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.

Selina:
Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.

Amy:
He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.

Selina:
Seriously?!

Mike:
Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.

Selina:
That's a good one, Mike!

Mike:
Jonah. Jonah, calm down. It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain. What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats?

Amy:
Christ, it's everywhere.

Dan:
Alright, well, if it's just a film studies essay then...

Amy:
No. Catherine's essay is about Emad Burnat's movie "5 Broken Cameras."

Dan:
Alright, if Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.

Amy:
It's about non-violent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement of the West Bank.

Dan:
That doesn't sounds like one of Owen's.

Amy:
She talks about the masterly portrayal of brutal, illegal Israeli aggression.

Dan:
Ouch.

Amy:
We have to issue a statement.

Dan:
All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement. I mean, hit F9 and print that f***er out.

Amy:
No, this needs to be top-notch. This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.

Jonah:
Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oh, hello, little girl. Office of the president. Please step off to the side. Thank you. Ma'am, I have been charged with informing you that you need to get your daughter Catherine to apologize unequivocally and immediately.

Selina:
Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.

Jonah:
Yes, ma'am.

Mike:
Oh, here's your ma.

Selina:
Hey, you got her? Hi, Catherine. How are you?

Catherine:
Hi, Mom.

Roger Furlong:
You know, you're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants. How's that for a f***ing metaphor?

Will:
That's a simile, sir.

Roger Furlong:
Shut your mouth, you fat girl.

Random Guy:
I see you got a mention in "Playbook" yesterday.

Dan:
Yep.

Random Guy:
Awesome. I have a Google alert set up for your name.

Dan:
Wow.

Random Guy:
Hey, did you catch Krauthammer in the "Post" about the hostage situation?

Dan:
Are you the guy that always says hi to me in the garage?

Random Guy:
Yeah.

Dan:
Yeah, I got to do some f***ing weights. This is for rubber idiots.

Kent:
All I do is provide POTUS with the polls. Cold numbers.

Ben:
God, I hate numbers. I mean there's cultures that don't even have any numbers, and they get along just fine!

Kent:
I cook these noodles every day.

Jonah:
Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this. [Off Kent's glare] I will leave.

Kent:
They need to be heated at 800 watts for 3:35. Any more and they'll dry out, any less and they will be flaccid and damp like a lady's hair in the rain.

Amy Why are we talking about noodles?

Ben:
No, let me rephrase that. Why the f*** are we talking about noodles?

Kent:
I'll tell you why. Hostage crisis, noodles, same principle. Both require precision timing, neither should be rushed. Inaction only becomes untenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with casualties.

Amy:
So you'd like me to tell the Vice President we do nothing until then?

Kent:
Waiting is not doing nothing. I choose to wait for my noodles even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds. But they will thank me because I waited until...

[Kent snaps his fingers at the exact same moment as the microwave dings]

Ben:
You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is f***ing pathetic.

Kent:
You sail, Mike? Have a boat?

Mike:
Uh, yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.

Kent:
Great cruiser.

Mike:
Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done. You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.

Kent:
I've got a Lagoon 380.

Mike:
Catamaran?

Kent:
Yeah.

Mike:
That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.

Kent:
You're right there, my friend, yeah. I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.

Mike:
[to Dan] You still pissed you can't get in with Kent? Nobody can, he's half-robot, half…robot. He's a robot.

Jonah:
[about Selina's song 50 Ways to Win in Denver] I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it, and I actually really liked it.

Mike:
[into his iPhone] Call dickhead.

[Jonah's phone rings]

Dan:
More apologizing, really? I apologized less after banging my brother's fiancé.

Gary:
I'm the VP's bag-man. Which I believe in Finland you say: kassi?

Mina Houkenen:
Excuse me?

Gary:
I'm a kassi.

[People around the table start tittering]

Mina Houkenen:
Where did you get this translation from?

Gary:
I have a Finnish friend in D.C. who works in the embassy and she gave me a lesson before I came.

Osmo Houkenen:
You see, "kassi" is "bag", but it's not, uh, "bag-man". It's a-- a man-bag you know? [makes a grasping gesture]

Mina Houkenen:
It is a container. It is a testicle container.

Kent:
Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron? [Mike looks confused] The fire-rimmed all-seeing eye from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings?

Mike:
I think I caught it on a plane once.

Kent:
The Eye of Sauron is the near-perfect analogue for the modern media. If we can draw the eye to Helsinki, then it won't be looking at what's going on here.

Mike:
And what is exactly going on here?

Kent:
I cannot tell you that, Mike.

Mike:
Is Selina Gollum?

Dan:
[about Ed] Ignore him.

Jonah:
Ignore who?

[They both high-five]

Dan:
What's the whole not-drinking thing?

Ed Webster:
I'm a Quaker.

Jonah:
What?

Dan:
Bullshit! No one's a f***ing Quaker.

Jonah:
You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game. Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.

Ed:
Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.

Selina:
Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week.

Ben:
So thank you very much for your help, but would you quit being so goddamned proactive? What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?

Selina:
I know what this is all about. This is a political prick tease today.

Mike:
Yeah, and we're about to meet a bunch of pricks.

Selina:
You smell that? Money. Hey, Dan?

Dan:
Ma'am.

Selina:
Have you heard anything about this Danny Chung playlist?

Dan:
I just caught that, actually. Some smart stuff on there, too. Nas for the young folks, some Dean Martin for the retirees.

Selina:
He just got one of his butt droids to do it, which is why I want you to do it for me, okay?

Dan:
Your mix is my command.

Amy:
Oh. Dan.

Dan:
This is awkward. Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.

Amy:
Well, my sister would never be at an orgy. Too uptight. She would want health records from everyone - and just kill the momentum and...

Dan:
Okay. I'm disappointed in you. This is behavior I would expect from myself. But from you? Uh-uh.

Amy:
Let's cut the crap. We're both here for Chung.

Dan:
So we both jump together. You know, Butch and Sundance.

Amy:
Don't they both die?

Dan:
No, not when they jump. They die at the end.

Selina:
Hey.

Mike:
Hi. Uh, we told everyone you were delayed. But we're gonna have to cancel this thing, okay?

Selina:
No. Mike, what are you talking about? I can't cancel my destiny.

Mike:
Ma'am, look at you. You're wearing a robe. Unless you want to go down there and sing them a chorus of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee," you can't go downstairs.

Jonah:
Knock, knock! J-rock o'clock! As a senior White House official I am commandeering this situation, Mike. Alright, what have you guys got for me?

Amy:
Okay, she just walked through a glass door which is somewhat ironic, building up to a invisible primary, and she is temporarily insane on a cocktail of happy pills. Over to you. Captain.

[Jonah is dumbstruck with shock, his mouth wide open]

Mike:
You just broke his brain, Amy.

Dan:
Jesus, look at that stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.

Amy:
How bad is she?

Doctor:
She's fine. It's just superficial cuts.

Amy:
Did you give her any painkillers, or...

Doctor:
I didn't want to do that because she's already on St. John's Wort.

Dan:
I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.

Amy:
Ma'am. Uh, how are you?

Selina:
Look, Amy, watch this. Look how tiny I can make myself. Watch this.

Amy:
But the donor meeting has been cancelled, yes?

Selina:
I'm not doing that thing. Seriously, screw all those people. God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on D.C.

Gary:
Ooh.

Selina:
Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues? Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his... It's true. He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face. Can you imagine f***ing that guy?

Dan:
That St. John's Wort you gave her is reacting with her antidepressants.

Gary:
What are you talking about? It's herbal! It's from the earth!

Dan:
So are mushrooms, you dipshit!

Jonah:
There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?

Amy:
Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.

Ben:
Oh, no, that's a f***ing wire brush to my hemorrhoids.

Gary:
These flowers came for you from the Secretary of Defense Maddox.

Selina:
Oh, let's see. "Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off."

Dan:
Come on.

Selina:
He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.

Ben:
Yeah, of course you do, Jonah. You don't get the complexity. You're the world's biggest single-cell organism.

Selina:
All I'm saying is that there are going to be difficult choices to make, you know? Like "Sophie's Choice" choices, except more important because it's gonna be about me.

Selina:
Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to f*** off and go back to Westworld.

Jonah:
But, ma'am--

Selina:
You need to f*** off.

Jonah:
But, ma'am--

Selina:
I said f*** off. Three f***s, you're out.

Jonah:
Yes, ma'am.

Sue:
Thank you so much for seeing me at such short notice, Mr. Davison.

Kent:
Happy to, Miss Wilson. I'm an ardent admirer of your efficiency and precision.

Sue:
Oh, well, in that case, let's get right to it.

Kent:
Excellent. I respect your brevity. It's almost threatening.

Roger:
All right, let's get this over with ASAP. It's not gonna be easy with this big, gangly piss flap over here who moves like-- hey, what do you move like, Will?

Will:
I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective investigating the murder of a young black man.

Roger:
That's right.

Selina:
Well, I have huge news. In fact, I guarantee you that my news is front-page news. Your news is probably more like a page six, Kardashian crap news.

Ben:
He isn't going to run again in two years.

Selina:
Are you serious?

Ben:
No, I'm Joan f***ing Rivers. Of course I'm serious.

Jonah:
Hey, it's J-Diddy. Ladies get giddy.

Selina:
Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.

Jonah:
Okay.

Selina:
You like to have sex and you like to travel?

Jonah:
Yes, ma'am.

Selina:
Then you can f*** off.

Selina:
Okay, now listen, I got this science fair thing. So I want to make my speech - a little bit more presidential.

Dan:
Yeah.

Selina:
Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the f*** out of me.

Dan:
Ooh, I got something.

Selina:
I've got to get out of here before I set fire to one of these nerds.

Science Nerd:
You're not the president.

Ben:
No, but you're not Justin Bieber either, are you, sport? Ma'am. POTUS is here.

Ed:
Hey, Sue, don't talk to me that way, okay? You're the secretary to the vice president. That's like being Garfunkel's roadie, okay?

Jonah:
Ma'am, of all the places that I have liaised, I have enjoyed liaising here the most.

Secret Service Agent:
Ma'am, the president has left the building.

Selina:
Who gives a flying f***?

Dan:
Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible when she said, "Oh God, oh God"?

Science Nerd:
When I grow up, I want to be vice president just like you.

Selina:
Oh no, you don't. You want to be president.

Ben:
You know what's gonna happen to me tomorrow?

Selina:
No.

Ben:
Yeah. My good friend POTUS? My Gamma Chi brother? He's gonna summon me to his office, he's gonna show me a sword, and he's gonna tell me to take the sword and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass!

Furlong:
Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.

Selina:
[to Statistician 1] You take your eyebrows, and you get out!

Ben:
[briefing Selina] Some U.S. backpackers tried to smoke a doobie with the wrong dudes and they have been kidnapped in Uzbekistan. Uzebekistan is between Turkmenistan and I-could-give-a-fuck-istan. There's a map on page 376.

Selina:
[to Jonah] You know what, why don't you put on your running shoes and get to the fuckin' point, Jonah?

Jonah:
POTUS wants me to monitor "U.S.Hey!" as kinda my pet project!

Selina:
Oh, for fuck's sakes...

Mike:
This must the first pet project of yours that didn't involve resorting to choloroform.

Jonah:
Yeah, well, it's early days, Mike.

Ben:
[to Selina] Remind me, you said what? Your response needs to be what?

Selina:
"Robust."

Ben:
"Robust." [to SecDef Maddox] And you said?

SecDef Maddox:
"Aggressive."

Ben:
You see the problem?

Selina:
No, I don't.

Ben:
They're different words! Yeah, and saying different words means what? It means, we're not on the same...

Selina:
...diet?

Ben:
Page!

Selina:
Oh! I thought you were gonna say "diet," Ben! I don't like your tone.

SecDef Maddox:
And I don't have to answer to you, Ben. Or to Lara Croft here for that matter.

Ben:
Yeah, perhaps not. But we all work for the President.

Selina:
Oh, where is the Great and Powerful Oz, by the way??

Ben:
Listen, we all know the White House would work so much better if there wasn't a President but there is. So, we work around that. And we do that by sticking to the same fucking words.

SecDef Maddox:
And it's your job to coordinate that, maestro!

Ben:
That's right. So from now on the words are "calculated response."

Selina:
"Calculated?" That sounds so...

SecDef Maddox:
...calculated?

Selina:
Pussy-ass! That's what I was gonna say.

Selina:
[to Cliff, the substitute Sue] Move everything off of the 6th for me, you can clear that. [walks into her office]

Cliff:
Yes, ma'am. The only thing I need to move is the Senator Swearing-in Ceremony, so we're good.

Selina:
[slowly walks back out of her office] ...What?

Cliff:
The, uh, Senator Swearing-in Ceremony?

Selina:
You said that everything was moveable, and that's not moveable. That's immoveable.

Cliff:
Surely nothing is immoveable.

Selina:
[turns to Amy] Amy, this is like explaining gravity to a chicken!

Amy:
The Senator Swearing-in Ceremony is set in stone. She's the President of the Senate. She swears in all newly elected senators.

Selina:
Right? You get that? You understand it? Do you need to Google it??

Cliff:
[grinning nervously] No, no, ma'am, I understand.

Selina:
I don't think you do understand, because you are grinning. Why are you grinning?

Cliff:
I'm not grinning.

Selina:
You are grinning! You have made a fuck-up the size of France, and you are fucking grinning about it!

Cliff:
I'm trying not to, I'm not sure why my face is doing this.

Selina:
Goddammit!

Gary:
Hey, ma'am? How would you like, like, a nice little almond croissant?

Selina:
Oh yeah, I would love that.

Gary:
Okay, okay! [heads for the door]

Selina:
Can you make it a big one? You know, so you can stuff me inside of it and smuggle me outta here?

Gary:
Of course I can!

Selina:
[to Jonah] Get off the plane.

Kent:
We're all on the same team here.

Furlong:
Right, team Fuck Up. Yeah, I've got my membership card here, somewhere, I can't find it.

Kent:
You need to look at the bigger picture!

Doyle:
Oh, I've seen the bigger picture! It show's POTUS lying to the American people! I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis, this is at least ten years of Oliver Stone movies!

Furlong:
Yeah, and not the good ones. Not Platoon.

Doyle:
I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you, Kent?! Seriously, when you pull the pin out, you're supposed to throw the grenade away. You don't stick it up your own fricking ass!

Ben:
That I'd like to see.

Selina:
Gary, deflower the room.

Dan:
[to Gary] There's a sentence I bet you thought you'd never hear.

Rahim:
I got you a glass of champagne.

Selina:
Thank you, Rahim. You drink alcohol?

Rahim:
Yes, ma'am.

Selina:
Oh, you Iranians are full of surprises.

Selina:
[Watching Danny Chung on TV] See, this is the problem with high-definition. You don't want to see a dick in hi-def.

Ben:
Madam Vice President, greatest respect, but it has been the job of the VP over the ages to take it in the ass to save the president.

Selina:
Yeah, let me tell you something. This ass is closed for business. This ass is in clench-down. I don't want to be a decoy. Let the president take it in the ass. He might like it.

Selina:
Go fuck yourself, Jonah.

Jonah:
But ma'am, I'm G8 advanced team!

Selina:
Go, period. Fuck, period. Yourself, exclamation point!

Selina:
So you did get my final e-mail on topics?

Janet Ryland:
No, but my spam filter did.

Janet Ryland:
Can we get a couple of lights for the vice president?

Glen:
Yeah, let me just pull that out of my ass.

Janet Ryland:
It's DC. You can find someone willing to open their ass on a Sunday.

Selina:
Once again, Andrew, you have totally lived down to my expectations. When I invited you here to the residence to fuck me, I didn't mean this.

Selina:
Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week.

Ben:
Because he's a mess, alright. He's got a cave full of bats in his skull.

Selina:
I took the heat for the spy. Don't I get any credit for that at all?

Ben:
Yeah, so now we've got the judiciary committee subpoenaing us senseless, and on top of that, we got a rumour going around that says there's a challenger inside the party.

Selina:
What? Who?

Ben:
I dunno. One of Gaddafi's sons? They're polling better, so thank you very much for your help, but would you quit being so goddamned proactive? What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?

Selina:
Ah, that's lovely. Is this what it's going to be like for the next two years?

Ben:
Oh, my, yes. We are at DEFCON Fuck.

Kent:
Ma'am, my brain is at your service.

Selina:
We'll see.