Veep, Season 5

Ben:
The three Ss, ma'am, strength, stability and bullshit.

Selina:
Didn't those Founding Fuckers ever hear of an odd number?!

Ben:
Two great Greek contributions to society: democracy and getting fucked up the ass.

Selina:
I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz.

Selina:
Honey, it's Yemen. Life gives you Yemen, you got to make Yemen-ade.

Mike:
Wendy and I are adopting a baby from China. Actually, Wendy was keeping it a secret from me until today because I'm so bad at keeping secrets. But I'm gonna be a Dad!

Selina:
You're a nincompoop. We are in the middle of a tied election. there's no time for some Chinese baby.

Ben:
Fortune cookie say you fuck up big time, round eye.

Kent:
Ma'am, I have the final House results.

Selina:
Lafontaine won?

Kent:
Mm-hmm.

Selina:
How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him?

Kent:
Three.

Amy:
And every day, you have to do the one thing that O'Brien can't do.

Selina:
Yeah, drive sober.

Ben:
Take a shit without getting a hernia.

Amy:
Be the president!

Ben:
There's only one person who I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room, and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.

Bill Ericsson:
I'm just trying to help the President.

Ben:
And she appreciates that, but the US Attorney for the District of Columbia is prepared to indict you. You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.

Bill Ericsson:
Of course.

Ben:
I've spoken to the president, and she's willing to consider a full pardon, if you surrender quietly. No media. Just don't want to dominate the news cycle.

Bill Ericsson:
Can I just say one thing?

Ben:
Yes, goodbye.

Richard:
These are from the president's last set of precinct changes for the recount challenge?

Dan:
Yes, and the changes before that and the changes before that. She's changed her mind more times than a frickin' child molester at Disneyland.

Selina:
I mean, will you look at Montez? Seriously, I'm more Hispanic than she is. You know? Where's she from, Santo Connecticut?

Ben:
She summers in Vinyardo Del Martha.

Mike:
No breakfast for this guy.

Ben:
Who's offering?

Mike:
You are looking at a guy on the master cleanse. I feel amazing.

Ben:
What in the lunatic fuck is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.

Kent:
Little known fact about the Nazis... their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers. Though also tragic.

Ben:
The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.

Tracy:
Move to rule it an overvote.

Roger Furlong:
Hey, Grimace. What are you... [She looks behind her] No, no, no, not you, the other person in the room who looks exactly like Grimace. That is not an overvote! You need to trust me on this, because I've been doing this since before your mother was throwing herself down the stairs belly-first. You want me to get you some glasses? Maybe I'll call in Mayor McCheese, he can come in here and explain election procedures to you?

Selina:
Can I really blame another country for something they didn’t do?

Ben:
It’s been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish-American War.

Kent:
Actually, ma'am... I'm sorry I'm late... I think I may have found something. The voting data in Nevada is multiple standard deviations outside the means.

Selina:
Christ, Kent, know your audience.

Kent:
I think that there is statistical evidence of missing ballots in Nevada.

Selina:
Where?

Kent:
I do not know.

Selina:
How many?

Kent:
I do not know.

Selina:
Are you sure?

Kent:
Absolutely.

Amy:
Never heard back from you. Late night?

Dan:
Sophie told you?

Amy:
What? No. Gross.

Dan:
You didn't tell me she worked for CBS.

Amy:
[laughs] Oh! Oh, this is too good. Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.

Mike (confronting Congressman Furlong):
This is my table.

Furlong:
And this is my fat Johnson, and you can suck it, as long as you don't put your dirt, gay mustache on it. What is that, some kind of side effect from your AIDS medication or did you shave it off of Freddie Mercury's corpse?

Mike:
I hope Mee-Maw's okay.

Selina:
She's been at death's door like five times, but she always bounces back to life.

Gary:
It's true.

Selina:
She's like that guy... that guy...

Gary:
Lazarus.

Selina:
Rasputin.

[re:
Selina's team failing to stop the recount and win Nevada]

Selina:
Well, maybe I'll get assassinated.

Jonah:
You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.

Dan:
The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.

Selina:
You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.

Ben:
I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador, Mohammed bin Nasser bin Khalifa Al Jaffar.

Selina:
Please don't have him sign the guest book.

Ben:
Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.

Selina:
Why would China go through Qatar?

Ben:
Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered.

Selina:
They're into ass play?

Ben:
No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.

Selina:
I'll bet they're into ass play, too.

Kent:
[on the news coverage of a salmonella outbreak] The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics?

Ben:
Or how to cook a fucking turkey?

Tom James:
Any news on Sherman?

Dan:
CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.

Jeff:
I've spoken to the governor, New Hampshire has agreed to hold a special election for the seat before Christmas. But...

Ben:
Sounds like a big goddamn 'but'!

Jeff:
Oh, yeah. This is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams 'butt'; Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.

Kent:
Ah, I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.

Ben:
We have a list of vetted names here.

Jeff:
Oh, great. Why don't you send them over to me, I'm running low on toilet paper.

Kent:
Excuse me?

Jeff:
You don't give me names, Beardo, I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up Tubby's dick!

Ben:
So who's your choice?

Jeff:
You know, I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.

Kent:
Heard a lot of great things about Ezra!

Jeff:
Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight, after kids will probably still be a seven. Mark my words: he will be president one day. But, Ezra is currently serving in Afghanistan. Plus, for anyone to beat the widow you're gonna have to fight dirty, and I don't shit where I eat.

Ben:
Well, me neither. Not since my wife caught me eating yoghurt on the crapper.

Jeff:
We need a real piece of cannon fodder here. Some spectacular dumbass who's willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation and then fuck off so that Ezra can slide right in.

Ben:
So, do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?

Jeff:
[enigmatically] There's only one name on it.

Jeff Kane:
Listen, the reason I'm here... now that Sherman is dead, there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and...

Jonah:
Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero?

Jeff:
No, I want you to run.

Jonah:
You want me to run his campaign?

Jeff:
No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat. [Shocked, Jonah backs up] Joni?

Jonah:
Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen. The Jonah Ryan Story, chapter five: "The House Kneels Before the Fucking J-man." I'm running for Congress!

Jeff:
This is just for one term here, Jonah. You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra.

Jonah:
Once I'm in, I'm in. I went to the White House on a three-week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.

Jeff:
Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you.

Jonah:
Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.

Jeff:
Can I talk to you down here just a minute?

Jonah:
[leaning forward] Yeah.

Jeff:
Now listen to me, you walking trisomy. I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. You are my puppet. I let you dance, and when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage! Now, do you or do you not understand me?!

Jonah:
[meekly] Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Ben:
Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank.

Selina:
Why not?

Ben:
'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about.

Kent:
AIDS, for example.

Ben:
Thanks, Kent's autism.

Dan:
From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells that are too busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.

Selina:
What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls?

Ben:
I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.

Jeff:
Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.

Mike:
Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and, y'know, her condition...

Selina:
What? She's a lesbian, Mike, she's not a werewolf. Though either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.

Jeff:
[to Richard] You and I should talk. If you were 10% less black, I could make you president.

Selina:
How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? I know all about your meeting with Marwood and Purcell; I know all about how you're trying to fuck me with that abstinence program of yours. Underneath this whole honorable, decent, wholesome, boy scout crap of yours, I know exactly who you are.

Tom James:
Oh, you do.

Selina:
Yes, I do.

Tom James:
Oh, so I don't have to explain that I am not someone who would piss away my presidency on a bunch of half-assed decisions...

Selina:
What?

Tom James:
...and, by the way, by messing around with that pretty-boy Charlie Baird, for God's sake!

Selina:
What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this?

Tom James:
I...I don't know, he's got nothing to do with it. What is he...

Selina:
You're such a liar! You're such a liar! Why did you even join my ticket in the first place?

Tom James:
Because I happen to believe in something called public service.

Selina:
Oh, bullshit!

Tom James:
Okay, well then, I've got no...

Selina:
I'll tell you why! Because you wanted to be a step closer to the presidency and to me. You wanted it so bad, you could taste it.

Tom James:
This is unbelievable. Please...

Selina:
You are lying now just like you lied back then, just like you lied about that night in the cab with the green shoes!

Tom James:
Oh...well, now I got no idea what you're talking about.

Selina:
You know exactly what I'm talking about. You remembered the green shoes that night, but not the fact that you wanted to fuck me? Come on. Come on! No straight man remembers a woman's shoes.

Tom James:
Well, you got me. I'm gay. So...

Selina:
Just admit it! Just say the truth for once in your life. Come on, Tom. You wanted to fuck me that night, just say it!

Tom James:
Will you stop it?!

Selina:
Just say you wanted to fuck my brains out!

Tom James:
Alright, I wanted to fuck your brains out!

Selina:
There you go. And now you're trying to fuck me tonight!

Tom James:
No, I am fucking you tonight!

Selina:
No, I'm gonna fuck you!

[After an awkward pause, they passionately kiss]

Selina:
If you think you're getting those worthless toy boats by now, I'm gonna shut down those factories faster than you can bedazzle a fucking sweatshirt.

Congresswoman Nickerson:
Let's cut the shit, Selina.

Selina:
Oh, here it is.

Congresswoman Nickerson:
All roads go through Colorado, and the toll just went up.

Selina:
You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen, cause if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is going to sink your stupid little boats. Then you're going to look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980's-mother-of-the-bride dress. And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. Then, I will have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.

Congresswoman Nickerson:
Good God.

Selina; So, can I count on your vote, or do I need to shove up a box of White House M&M's up your stretched up, six-baby-vag?

Congresswoman Nickerson:
[gulps] You can count on my vote.

Selina:
I think I want to hear an 'Okey dokey, Annie Oakley'.

Congresswoman Nickerson:
Okey dokey, Annie Oakley.

Selina:
Oh, super duper, Trooper. Now get the fuck out of here, congresswoman.

Selina:
Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside and get some wood to start a fire?

Marjorie:
Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.

Selina:
Well, that's terrifying.

Selina:
Are the Chinese here yet?

Ben:
Delayed on the road, ma'am. Presumably driving slowly and not using their signals.

Selina:
We need to work together to better engage with North Korea, because the North Koreans are people like us... except without any food.

Dan:
Those are your pajamas? That's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come.

Jeff:
I can elect anyone in New Hampshire. I can elect a Muslim AIDS virus. A terrorist fucking AIDS virus in the tiniest suicide vest ever made, I could make it Governor of New Hampshire.

Selina:
All right, here we go, Alabama. First in the alphabet, last in every other fuckin' thing.

Ben:
I believe it's number one in "easiest state to get away with murdering a black guy."

Ben:
We're hanging on by a thread, but if everyone votes the way we think they're gonna vote, we'll win.

Selina:
Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence I've heard since "It's okay, it's just the tip."

Selina:
Please God, deliver Jonah to Congress, and then give him any kind of cancer, I don't care.

Selina:
Jonah, you're already dead. What you do now, you do for your family.

Mike:
Any chance Catherine and Marjorie want to get married? There you go, first White House lesbian wedding. That'll put you in the history books.

Selina:
Oh God. I can't take that much acoustic guitar.

Dan:
God, my phone is blowing up with these TV offers. Think I might need an agent. You know, someone who can take the Dan Egan brand to the next level.

Amy:
Too bad Goebbels killed himself.

Jonah:
Oh, also, we got to get some eye candy in here. You know, hire some hot interns.

Richard:
Oh, Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of resumes from New Hampshire. One of them was a phone number on a bar napkin.

Jonah:
No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for "it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes."

Tom James:
Vice President, take it or leave it.

Selina:
I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.

Tom James:
That's a "leave it."

Selina:
General George Washington could come out of his grave and I would rather eat his zombified, wooden asshole twice a day than be his Vice fucking, fucking anything.

Gary:
You fuckers. How dare you. That magnificent woman was counting on you, and you losers let her down!

Dan:
[into his phone] Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back; something amazing is happening.

Gary:
All you fucking cared about was your stupid bad selves! [to Kent] Your numbers? Your numbers are garbage! [to Mike, who is discreetly filming Gary's eruption on his phone] Your speeches? Garbage! [to Ben] Oh, and you're supposed to give her advice?! Is that right?! Because all I heard was dumb, stupid, I don't know what the fuck it was!

Ben:
Garbage?

Tom James:
Gary...

Gary:
Oh, shut up! You screwed her the worst, in all the ways! [laughs] Oh, I know! I know you make fun of me! And I know that you think that I'm funny, and I'm funny ha-ha-ha! Well at least I cared! I did my job!! I fucking cared!!!

[Gary walks out of the room; everyone is silent, in shock over his outburst]

Ben:
Well, that just kinda made this whole year worth it.

Dan:
Yeah.

Furlong:
You realize the whole goddamned Rayburn house office can hear you and your twink army in here cock-scraping each others' esophagi?!

Selina:
How could you, Andrew? I offered you Secretary of State.

Andrew Doyle:
Please, you offered that to everybody in town.

Selina:
Your head is so far up Montez's ass, next time it's Alejandro's birthday, he's gonna come all over your face