Arrested Development

[Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]

Tobias F?nke:
What are you doing up here?

George Sr.:
I'm having a f***ing tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.

[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]

George Sr.:
Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.

Dave Attell:
[discussing Tobias with Carl Weathers] Whoa, this guy's straight? [holds up a pair of Tobias' cut-offs] Then, what am I wearing these for?

[repeated line after Buster gets a prosthetic hook]

Buster:
I'm a monster.

[Lucille replaces Lupe with a robot vacuum cleaner, then catches Buster in bed with it]

Buster:
Well, what do you expect, mother? [holds up his hook] I'm half machine. I'm a monster.

Tobias F?nke:
[as Mrs. Featherbottom] O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth? [laughs] Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.

Michael:
We just call it a sausage.

[repeated line]

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Marry me.

[the Bluths have hired Andy Griffith to sit in on George Sr's hearing]

Lindsay Funke:
Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn't like his trailer.

[the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck]

Lindsay Funke:
He thought we were making fun of him.

Narrator:
They were not making fun of Andy Griffith. This cannot be stressed enough.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
So basically you're about 2,000 shares short of being the majority stock holders. Now unfortunately it's a private stock so you can not just buy up the shares unless someone is willing to sell

Michael:
Are you sure?

Barry Zuckerkorn:
That's what it said on 'Ask Jeeves'

Gob:
Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio.

Spanish actor:
Como?

Gob:
Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right.

Maebe:
So, you killed Kitty, huh?

Michael:
No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide. [whoops and hollers heard from the conference room] And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?

Maebe:
Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?

Tobias F?nke:
Are you calling me a coward?

Warden Stefan Gentles:
There's only one man I've ever called a coward, and that's Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I'm calling you is a television actor.

Tobias F?nke:
Ouch.

[Tobias creating buzz around the water cooler]

Tobias F?nke:
That Funke is some kind of something. Boy, this Funke is all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Funke is. Overrated.

Michael:
My mother is opposed to the idea of hiring a new attorney. She'll probably refuse to enter the room if she sees you.

Wayne Jarvis:
I shall hide behind the couch. [and he does just that]

Michael:
Guy's a pro.

Lucille:
You idiots. If your father sees me here with Wayne...

Michael:
...we'll be stuck with Barry.

Wayne Jarvis:
I shall hide behind that garbage car. [and does just that]

Michael:
Guy's a pro.

Michael:
[after George Sr. has been handed a jail sentence] They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out. [silence amongst the family] Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...

[everyone gasps]

Michael:
...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."

Narrator:
[Tobias is covered in blue paint and is walking at dusk] Tobias went to a tryout for the Blue Man Group hoping to be seen. [Tobias is run over by Barry] Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he wasn't seen.

Narrator:
Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...

Tobias F?nke:
[on tape]... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.

Tobias F?nke:
Nothing wrong with that.

Tobias F?nke:
[on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.

Tobias F?nke:
It's out of context.

Tobias F?nke:
[on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.

Narrator:
...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.

Tobias F?nke:
Tobias, you blowhard.

[chuckles]

[repeated line]

Gob:
Michael!

Tobias F?nke:
Michael, you are quite the cupid. You can stick an arrow in my buttocks any time.

Lindsay Funke:
[to Michael] GOB doesnt do anything for the family.

Gob:
Hey, I'm f***ing Lucille 2.

Lindsay Funke:
Or I could do something like that.

Uncle Jack:
[to Michael] I'm invited into very few personal homes. [to his assisstant, Dragon] TO THE NUTS.

Tobias F?nke:
[while at a western-themed resort] Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.

Lucille Austero:
Today at lunch, you were ashamed to be with me.

Gob:
No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.

Narrator:
Gob had just blown up a car.

Gob:
[with Lucille 2] Next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was if something were to ever happen to me, how sad I'd be, you know?

Lucille Austero:
What you did to me at lunch today... You were ashamed to be with me.

Gob:
No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.

Lucille Austero:
I'm sorry, but you have no courage.

Gob:
How can you say that? Shh. Thought I heard my mom.

[whispers]

Gob:
How can you say that?

Michael:
Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
[to his secretary] I'm not here.

Barry's Secretary:
Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?

Michael:
Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, AND I'm not paying for this phone call.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
I am not a girl, you...

Barry's Secretary:
[pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.

Michael:
Are you serious?

Wayne Jarvis:
Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had.

Michael:
[to George-Michael at Milford interview] Save it for the talk room, son.

George Sr.:
[via satellite from prison] Sorry, some of my students are arguing the significance of the shankbone on the seder plate. But we do not - not wag our genitals at one another to make a point.

George Sr.:
[via satellite from prison] Chanukah can be spelled so many ways. Oh God.

Michael Bluth:
Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?

George Sr.:
First time.

Michael Bluth:
I've never heard of a second.

George Sr.:
I got the worst [bleep] -ing attorneys.

Michael:
It's the carpenter who blames his shoddy - [touches cornballer] [bleep] stupid corballin' piece of [bleep].

Tobias F?nke:
[footage of Tobias trying on a Speedo with his cut-offs on] Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?

Lucille:
Michael Moore confronted me on national television.

Michael:
First of all, that was not Michael Moore. That was a Michael Moore look-alike. And second it wasn't national television. It was for a bit, on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Lucille:
I don't know what that is nor do I care to find out.

Lucille:
The company is in danger.

Michael:
What tipped you off? The falling profit margins or the fact that we're a regular feature on Bill O'Reilly's most ridiculous item of the day?

Narrator:
Michael was having brunch with Sally Sitwell at a restaurant called Skip Church's Bistro. In addition to brunch, the restaurant was known for an item on the menu called the "Skip's Scramble", an omelet that contained everything on the menu. Do not order the Skip's Scramble.

George Sr.:
Look, I just need something to read. Pop-pop gets a Grisham?

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold T-shaped pendants?

Michael:
That's a cross.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Across from where?

Michael:
I burned it. Down to the ground.

George Sr.:
There was money in that banana stand.

Michael:
Well, it's all gone now.

George Sr.:
There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.

Michael:
What?

George Sr.:
Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said... [strangles Michael] [yells] There is money... in... the banana stand.

Prison guard:
[George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No Touching.

George Sr.:
No touching.

Prison guard:
No touching.

[repeated line]

Prison guard:
No touching.

George Michael Bluth:
[after hearing that Steve Holt and Lindsay have a lunch date] Steve Holt? I thought you liked him.

Maebe:
I do, I'm crazy about him. He only talks to her because he thinks she has a penis. Oh, I told him that she was a tranny.

Maebe:
[upon Steve Holt asking Maebe to dance] Steve Holt.

Gob:
Steve Holt's not my son.

George Michael Bluth:
Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?

Gob:
That's my son, you pothead.

Tobias F?nke:
Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

Tobias F?nke:
No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.

Buster:
It wasn't really the pronunciation that bothered me.

Lucille:
What's a Forget-Me-Now?

Gob:
They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.

Tobias F?nke:
Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie.

Lucille:
Those are illegal.

Gob:
Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.

Steve Holt:
I've made a huge mistake.

Gob:
I know the feeling. I had you. I'm your father, Steve Holt. I can't hide from it any more.

Steve Holt:
I won't forget this... Dad.

Gob:
[swallows roofie] I will. I will.

Rita:
And they think the stupidest things are funny.

Michael Bluth:
Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.

Narrator:
Hey. That's the name of the show.

Narrator:
[Rita enters the house, the family freezes] Michael was concerned that he was caught in a lie about his family. The family was concerned that they were being confronted by a woman they had clubbed, drugged, and left on a bench.

Wayne Jarvis:
I have a picture taken by a traffic camera of you escorting your father.

[hands it to Michael]

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Are you sure these aren't balls? Because last time, they were balls.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
[Barry is handed the picture of Michael and George Sr. in the stair car] I really wish they were balls.

George Michael Bluth:
I came to talk to you about the softball game. We need some girls on the team this year.

Michael Bluth:
It's a league requirement.

Narrator:
One that was difficult to keep, given GOB's behavior in the third inning of last year's game. [shows GOB lying on top of a woman] And in the fifth. [shows GOB following one of the female players] Oh, and before the game. [shows GOB pouring water over the female players]

Michael Bluth:
We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.

Michael Bluth:
Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.

Lindsay Funke:
[obviously under the influence] Oh, my God. My foot is bleeding.

Narrator:
Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.

Michael Bluth:
Don't forget. We're going to need you for the softball team tomorrow.

Lindsay Funke:
Of course. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?

Michael Bluth:
To curb your sex drive.

Lindsay Funke:
Oh, yeah. What team are you talking about?

Narrator:
It may also cause short-term memory loss.

Michael Bluth:
Look, you can't risk leaving the attic any more.

George Sr.:
When have you seen me outside?

Michael Bluth:
Yesterday at the Ford Dealer.

George Sr.:
Yeah, well, have you seen those new Mustangs? I'm telling you - you could hump the hood.

[Michael has found his brother, Gob, hidden in his office]

Michael:
One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.

Gob:
So you came back here to hide like a child.

Michael:
What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?

Gob:
Hiding from a child. Big difference.

Michael:
Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.

Gob:
He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?

[Schmaltzy music begins to play]

Michael:
You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".

Gob:
It's not like envy, or even hungry.

Michael:
Could it be love?

Gob:
I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.

[the music reaches its crescendo]

Gob:
Maybe I am ready to be a father.

Gob:
Hey, Buster hit her. I just gave her the roofie.

[opening credits]

Narrator:
Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development.

Gob:
Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it.

Michael:
No, no I'm not...

Gob:
One, two, three. Paper covers rock.

Michael:
It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.

Gob:
There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...

Michael:
I really think the reason you and I always fight is that, since we were little, Dad's always played us off each other.

Gob:
Dad always said that was your fault.

Narrator:
So the speech was disturbing, the food was inedible, and the gift bags pretty frightening. And when GOB found out that he wasnt going to get any tips, the service got worse. Oh and that old racist woman choked on Buster's thumb. All in all it was one of the Bluth's better parties.

Tobias F?nke:
Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging.

George Michael Bluth:
Please don't call yourself that.

Narrator:
George Michael did not just get to second base with Maeby, he dove in head first. Like Pete Rose.

Lindsay Funke:
You'll never be able to pull this off, Michael. You're the good guy. This isnt you.

Michael:
It's me now, Lindsay. It's the me that can recline. [he leans back and hits his head on the railing]

Lindsay Funke:
Did that hurt?

Michael:
No.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
[noticing Tobias dressed in all leather] Didnt you get a job or something?

Tobias F?nke:
No, no I didnt. Unless... you consider "World's Coolest Daddy" a job.

Tobias F?nke:
So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
[reading one of the notes] "I know where you live, ha, ha." Casting directors hate this.

Narrator:
They really do.

Casting Director:
[shows a casting director's office] The glitteratti has struck again. [reading the resume] Never hire Tobias Funke.

Michael:
You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.

Gob:
Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.

Narrator:
In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.

Gob:
[in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on. [in the elevator] Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on. [in the bathroom] Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.

[repeated line]

Gob:
Come on!

Gob:
If I didn't have a live dove in my pants right now, I'd leap across the table and... [he unzips his pants] Ah, what the hell...

Michael:
I think that's just as good of a time as any to end the meeting.

Tobias F?nke:
So what are your plans for this evening?

Bob Loblaw:
I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.

Tobias F?nke:
Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful.

Michael:
I thought I got rid of GOB, but Dad puts him right back in the business.

Lindsay Funke:
You two have always fought. In fact, I think I have a video of that.

Michael:
You and half of Orange County.

Narrator:
As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight each other. He thought it would equip them for the challenges of life. He also believed that footage of the boys fighting would be a big hit in the burgeoning home-video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2", "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70".

Tobias F?nke:
[while rehearsing his "frightened inmate #2" character] Say something that will terrify me.

Lindsay Funke:
F*** me.

Tobias F?nke:
No, that didn't do it.

Lindsay Funke:
Oh, are we still talking about the tapes? I was talking about my marriage. As you know, Bob Loblaw and I have had a secret little thing going.

Michael:
Real secret. In fact, he doesn't even know about it.

Lindsay Funke:
Last night, he finally responded to one of my subtle hints.

Lindsay Funke:
[flashback] Why wont you f*** me?

Bob Loblaw:
I'll be honest. You're a nice girl but you dress like a common whore. And besides, I just can't go out with a client.

Gob:
I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and f*** me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

Tobias F?nke:
If this were a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break.

Narrator:
But it wasn't.

Buster:
Why should I have to sit and cheer Annyong? Annyong never cheers me.

Annyong:
Go Fatty. [Buster lunges at him and they fight]

Lucille:
Stop it. He's your little brother.

Buster:
No he isn't. I came out of you, he didn't.

[repeated line]

Annyong:
Annyong.

Oscar:
[Oscar grabs onto the dashboard] The car.

George Sr.:
Up yours Granny.

Lucille:
You couldn't handle it.

Annyong:
Okay, Mom want someone to come with her to my soccar game. She don't want other soccar moms think she single. She old school.

Michael:
I liked it better when he just said Annyong.

Oscar:
[Oscar grabs onto the dashboard] The car.

George Sr.:
[Passing by George Sr] Up yours Granny.

Lucille:
You couldn't handle it.

Buster:
I have an idea. It is time I used something I trained for in Army, but I never got a chance to do. [he prepares to zipline to a balcony where George Michael and Lucille are]

Michael:
Buster, you can't zip-line over there.

Buster:
Either I zip down, or he zips up, and that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit. You have to get on your knees to start it.

Michael:
This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster.

Buster:
My Army training tells me... that this is going to be a hot mission.

Michael:
What? A hot mission?

Buster:
Yes. I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother".

Michael:
No, le-let's try to top that.

Narrator:
They never did, and later, "Operation Hot Mother" was underway.

Narrator:
In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.

[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]

Gob:
[as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?

Gob:
[as himself] Sure, Franklin.

Gob:
[as Franklin] You are one cool [bleep] . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.

[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]

George Sr.:
Get off my wife, you bastard.

[strangles Franklin]

Gob:
[as Franklin] What's the matter with you?

Gob:
[in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.

Michael:
Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?

Gob:
He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

Lindsay Funke:
[discussing Michael's dislike of George Michael's girlfriend] You know, maybe if you stopped judging her, he'd trust you. Look, if you say no, you're just going to drive him right to her.

George Michael Bluth:
Hey, Dad, can you drive me to Ann's?

Michael:
Nnnn... Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes.

George Michael Bluth:
Great. I'll wait in the car.

Michael:
I don't think that worked.

Ann Veal:
You must teach me, George Michael. You must teach me the ways of the secular flesh.

Narrator:
For the first time, Lucille prays...

Lucille:
[Praying] Take something else from us. Do whatever you have to to keep my boy from going to war.

Narrator:
And Buster is on his way when he decides to pursue a long-delayed rite of passage... [Buster swims in the ocean]

Person:
Loose seal. Watch out for loose seal.

Buster:
[Thinking he means Lucille] I don't care about Lucille. She lies.

Narrator:
...and then a seal bites off his hand.

Lucille:
Amen.

Narrator:
And back at the penthouse, Lucille was praying for the second time in her life.

Lucille:
Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen, please make it G.O.B.'s.

George Sr.:
I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands.

Lindsay Funke:
What?

George Sr.:
Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.

Lindsay Funke:
Stabbed?

George Sr.:
In a way. I use them to pay off the other guys to stop them from hollering obscenities at my... my little girl. But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke.

Lindsay Funke:
[Touched] That's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy- for you to spend money on me.

Lindsay Funke:
I hate to say it, but Michael might be right. You need to learn a little discipline.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Hmm. Nope. That doesn't feel right.

Lindsay Funke:
No, no, no. I am telling you. You are now punished. I punish thee.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Are you serious? What could you possibly come up with that would punish me?

Lindsay Funke:
Oh, I have to come up with another thing?

Narrator:
What Dave Attell was trying to portray was the fact that Tobias was never able to be completely naked, but it was lost on the audience due to the narrator's shoddy delivery.

Tony Wonder:
[to someone off the screen] How many times have I told you to move that f***ing sofa? And clean the dumwaiter while you're at it.

Lucille:
[after Michael and GOB switch coolers containing evidence and Kitty gets a hold of them] THERE WERE 250 CCs OF YOUR FATHER'S SEMEN IN THE COOLER IN THE BANANA STAND.

Michael:
No touching.

Lucille:
[after beating Kitty at a drinking contest] I've got to get back to rehab.

Man at Bar:
[in background] SHE'S IN REHAB. [people cheer]

Gob:
[Gob's wife has served him divorce papers] And now she's stomping on my heart.

Michael Bluth:
What's her first name? Quickly.

Gob:
[flustered] Crindee.

Michael Bluth:
Name's not Crindee, Gob.

Gob:
[Reads papers] Ah, Saul Zetzmann. Nope. That's her lawyer. Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Amy, I'll call her "Blame-y."

Michael Bluth:
That's a strong defense.

Michael:
You know, I'm in pretty good shape, Buster. You could be eating my dust all day.

Narrator:
Buster was starting to give as good as he received.

Buster:
Yeah, and you could be eating [bleep] that's gonna [bleep] .

Michael:
Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

George Michael Bluth:
[George Michael is in love with his ethics teacher] I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's nice, you know?

Lindsay Funke:
She's interesting... and pretty?

George Michael Bluth:
Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad.

Lindsay Funke:
Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.

Narrator:
Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.

Lindsay Funke:
There's nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.

George Michael Bluth:
You're my aunt.

Lindsay Funke:
That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.

Narrator:
Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.

George Michael Bluth:
Yikes.

Lindsay Funke:
[Trying to set Michael up with Ms Barely] Well, I think she's perfect for you.

Michael:
For me? Really? Thanks, but no, Lindsay. I've already been set up once today by a sibling, and I don't think you people know my type.

Lindsay Funke:
Hey, look, it's not coming from me. It's George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother.

Michael:
Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off the entire concept.

Lucille:
Oh, George, I should have never doubted you. Even when you slept with my sister it was for a good reason.

George Sr.:
Got her to stop drinking, didn't it?

George Sr.:
What is this is they have on me? You keep talking about a fact. You keep saying "I know for a fact." What fact?

Cindi Lightballoon:
Faith. I have faith my prayers will free you.

George Sr.:
Faith is not a fact.

Cindi Lightballoon:
Oh, yes it is. You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom.

Narrator:
George, Sr. had said faith is a fact. Unfortunately, it was in the Caged Wisdom blooper bonus footage.

George Sr.:
Faith is a fact. No, faith is a facet. I almost said faith is a fact.

George Sr.:
[in the present] I am going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?

George Sr.:
Listen... Let him go. Let your son go.

Michael:
I can't do that, Dad. He needs me.

George Sr.:
Michael, you don't want to make the same mistake your mom made with Buster.

Michael:
Yeah, boy. What happened there?

George Sr.:
I really don't know. Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So... he turned out a little soft, you know, a little doughy. [Buster yawns next to him] I don't know, maybe it was my fault. Maybe, uh, maybe I just ignored the guy. [Buster finishes yawning although George Sr is ignoring him]

Buster:
Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?

Michael:
Yeah, I got to let my son go.

[Tobias is directing George Michael and Maeby in the school play]

Tobias F?nke:
Look, you are playing adults...

[Tobias falls out of his chair]

Tobias F?nke:
[to nearby student] Pick that up. Pick that up, please.

Tobias F?nke:
...with fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.

Kitty:
The program has changed my life. And I have a sponsor now. [whispers] He's famous.

Michael:
That's great.

Kitty:
I can't tell you who he is, but let's just say... that he was on... "Night Court."

Michael:
Well, you look great...

Kitty:
...I can tell you who it's NOT. It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson.

Michael:
I got it...

Kitty:
...and he's white.

Michael:
I know who it is.

Michael:
[At Police Station, on phone to Lucille] They're keeping me over night while I wait for my arraignment. I'd appreciate it if you could tell my son that I'm on a business trip.

Lucille:
Why can't the girl at work do it?

Michael:
Tobias? I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs.

Lucille:
Well, you better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated.

Lindsay Funke:
[Enters room] Find out what?

Lucille:
Your husband's dating Kitty, the whore.

Lindsay Funke:
He is? That's horrible. [Exits]

Lucille:
[to Michael] Do I know my daughter?

Buster:
[Confronting Lucille about his birth father] You lied to me... you said my FATHER was my father, but my UNCLE is my father. MY FATHER IS MY UNCLE.

Michael Bluth:
[calling from prison, taking about his brother, Gob] I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it.

Lucille:
You would do that to your brother?

Michael Bluth:
I said "cot".

Dave Attell:
[to Carl Weathers about Tobias] If this guy's straight, then I'm sober.

Dave Attell:
Wow, the service sent you over quick.

Lindsay Funke:
Oh I'm sorry. [Dave Attell quickly removes the cutoffs] You dont cry when you take those off?

Lindsay Funke:
I think George Michael needs a mother.

Michael:
Well, he's got you, he's got mom, you think that would turn him off the concept entirely.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Do you remember that French film we snuck into? Dangerous Cousins?

George Michael Bluth:
No, actually, I dont remember it.

Narrator:
In fact, George Michael knew the movie very well. He currently had a copy of the DVD hidden in his sock drawer.

Tobias F?nke:
Boy, I sure feel like a Mary without a Peter and a Paul.

Tobias F?nke:
Come on, Lindsay. We've had some great times. [a white screen appears with text reading: "Footage not found."]

Lindsay Funke:
Hey, I could've sworn I just saw Dad... Or not. I think hallucinations are a side effect of Teamocil.

Narrator:
They aren't.

Carl Weathers:
[about Burger King] I'm going to go get a drink refill. You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want... and it's free?

Tobias F?nke:
It's a wonderful restaurant.

Narrator:
It sure is.

Narrator:
Last year, Tobias produced a video tape. But its brief success was due to its misleading name. [shows "Families with Low Self Esteem" next to "Girls With Low Self Esteem"] Once this flaw was discovered, all but ten of the tapes were returned.

Tobias F?nke:
I want my family back. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to reunite the band.

Michael:
Oh, no.

Narrator:
Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne acqusition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.

Lindsay Funke:
Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band solution was a nightmare.

Michael:
Tobias said it was some of the most fun your family has ever had.

Lindsay Funke:
Yeah, well, I was whacked on Xanotab.

Michael:
Well I thought Xanotab was supposed to make everything better.

Lindsay Funke:
For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell. It's not a good supplement. Besides, Maebe wont do it.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Let's do it. I want to reunite the band. That was some of the best times we've ever had.

Michael:
Oh sure, Lindsay. You're a much better parent - no borders, no limits, oh go ahead, touch the Cornballer...

Tobias F?nke:
Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.

Gob:
Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.

Tobias F?nke:
Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?

Lindsay Funke:
You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.

Michael Bluth:
What?

Lindsay Funke:
...It's in such a nice neighborhood.

Michael Bluth:
I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?

Narrator:
None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."

Michael:
[at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?

Narrator:
[voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.

Tobias F?nke:
[Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.

Cab Driver:
Gothic a**hole?

Tobias F?nke:
Yes.

[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]

Tobias F?nke:
Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.

[to the bouncer]

Tobias F?nke:
I am here to see the magic.

George Michael Bluth:
[George Michael is finishing a eulogy for George Sr] I'll be bringing you some salmon rolls real soon.

George Sr.:
[watching from the attic] How many times I gotta tell this kid chicken wings?

Narrator:
George Michael was getting ready for school when he came across a box of love letters he'd written, but never sent, to his cousin Maeby. One letter, titled "If you weren't my cousin," was particularly incriminating.

Gob:
Michael, I'm your big brother. I'll never be impressed with you.

Narrator:
Gob was recently hired by the Bluth Company's rival, Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well...

Gob:
52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."

Narrator:
...his ideas failed to evolve.

Gob:
It's, like, "Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah, I don't have a husband." I call it "Swing City."

Stan Sitwell:
Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind.

Narrator:
But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.

Gob:
How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in.

Gob:
This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in [bleep] City.

Stan Sitwell:
You're fired.

Buster:
Mom is becoming a little controlling.

Michael:
What tipped you off? When she locked you out on the balcony again?

Buster:
That was half my fault. I thought I saw a Graham Cracker out there.

Michael:
You baited the balcony?

Lucille Bluth:
Prove it.

Steve Holt:
Beatrice.

Lucille Austero:
Do you like ham?

Carl Weathers:
No. [pause] I love it.

Buster:
[to Michael] Mom signed me up for the army, just because the fat man dared her to.

General Garvey:
[Lucille is trying to get Buster out of combat by visiting the General, an old boyfriend of hers from her USO days] I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.

Lucille:
Is there anything *I* can do?

General Garvey:
Well, maybe if you go?

[leans back in his chair]

General Garvey:
?downtown.

Lucille:
[grins] Oh, I haven't done that in thirty years.

[pauses, then sings]

Lucille:
When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go downtown.

Michael:
What do you think of when you hear the name, "Sudden Valley"?

George Michael Bluth:
Salad dressing. But for some reason, I don't want to eat it.

Michael:
What about, "Paradise Gardens"?

George Michael Bluth:
Yeah... I can see marinating a chicken from that.

Tobias F?nke:
[Tobias has been trying out for the Blue Man Group] Bad news, Michael, I am afraid that I am no longer an understudy for the Blue Man Group. It seems that we have parted ways.

Michael:
[reading an official-looking letter] "Cease and decist... "

Tobias F?nke:
Apparently, they dont like competition. [shows a magazine ad with Tobias that says "Want a Blue Man For Less Green?"]

Michael:
[Michael and George Michael are watching the banana stand burn to the ground] This is going to be our best summer ever. [GOB scoots up] You mailed that insurance check, right, GOB? [GOB scoots off, Michael chases after him]

[Michael is asked to take over the family business]

Michael:
I'm moving to Phoenix. I got a job.

[There is an awkward silence]

Michael:
Something you apply for and they pay you to... Never mind, I don't want to ruin the surprise.

[after Lucille gives Maeby a jeweled elephant brooch that Lindsay was supposed to inherit]

Lindsay Funke:
That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair. I'm the one who cleared my throat and pointed to the laundry room. Ma. You know I wanted that.

Lucille Bluth:
I know. But it's an elephant and I didn't want to invite the comparison.

[Lindsay commenting on her stance against circumcision]

Lindsay Funke:
I think it's frightening when it's cut off. It's like a Doberman - let it have its ears.

[after being declined entrance in to a high end restaurant]

Lindsay Funke:
Let's just go, I've suddenly lost my appetite.

Lucille Bluth:
Oh, who's gonna believe that?

[after the publicist has just told the family that Michael is the most likeable member of the family]

Publicist:
There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.

Tobias F?nke:
Well, that leaves me out.

[silence, everyone stares] She did say single, right? I-I-I thought she said single.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
You and I are so different. It's like we're not even related.

[she leaves]

George Michael Bluth:
That would be amazing.

Buster:
We're excavating a pterodactyl.

[plainly shows a human skull; Buster accidentally hits and breaks it with a hammer]

Buster:
That was 90% gravity.

Lucille Bluth:
Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out?

Gob:
She's not "*that* Mexican," Mom, she's "*my* Mexican." And she's Colombian or something.

Buster:
No mother, I can blow myself. You've interfered for the last time.

Lindsay:
Michael, if this is a lecture on how we're all supposed to whatever and blah-blah-blah, well, you can save it, because we all know it by heart.

[Gob is leaving his and Marta's house]

Marta:
Te Quiero.

Gob:
English, please.

Marta:
I love you.

Gob:
Great, now I'm late.

[repeated line]

Gob:
I've made a huge mistake.

Gob:
My gut is telling me no... but my gut is also very hungry.

[as cops surround the docks and start shooting at drug dealers while fake stripper cops cower nearby]

Drug Dealer:
You set us up.

Gob:
No. These are the strippers. Look how hot they are.

Armless man:
Oh, my God. My arm.

Michael:
Oh, my God, this guy's arm.

[George Michael and Maeby are searching through the Bluth company files illegally]

George Michael:
Fingerprints? You said they wouldn't be taking fingerprints.

Maebe:
No, I said don't wear your mittens.

[re:
Carl Weathers]

Lucille:
Guess who's coming to dinner?

[Tobias is trying to impress Maeby by buying some leather]

Tobias F?nke:
I'm looking for something that says "Dad likes leather".

Salesman:
You mean... Leather Daddy?

[Tobias has painted himself blue]

Tobias Funke:
I blue myself.

Michael Bluth:
There has got to be a better way to say that.

Lindsay Funke:
Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.

Lucille:
Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.

[server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire]

Lucille:
You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.

Lindsay Funke:
That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."

Lucille:
Mine was better.

Tobias Funke:
Where the f*** are my hard-boiled eggs?

[giving a toast]

Michael:
To Buster and Lucille...

Buster:
Don't forget my girlfriend.

Michael:
That's who I meant.

Lindsey:
Nana's fine, she's been dead for six months.

Tobias F?nke:
I don't do nudity.

[holding up a pair of cut-off jeans]

Tobias F?nke:
Why do you think I wear these?

George Michael:
I was never really clear on that.

George Sr.:
You should have seen the face he made when - well, he's my twin brother, I'll show you.

[on the phone]

George Michael:
Hello, Bluth Company. [Listens] Talk you off? Talk you off what, Pop-Pop?

George Sr.:
Oh, George Michael. I thought you were - when's that voice gonna drop?

[answering the phone]

George Michael:
[very quickly] Bluth-Company-George-Michael-speaking-not-Kitty.

Lucille Bluth:
I'm going to Annyong's soccer awards ceremony, and...

Annyong:
Annyong.

[everyone glares at Annyong]

Lucille Bluth:
...and I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.

Gob:
Yeah, I think that they're gonna know that Annyong's not...

Annyong:
Annyong.

Gob:
[screaming]... would somebody *please* tell this insufferable child to... GOD.

Lindsay Funke:
[reading from Jessie's smear article] "Lindsay's a combative, entitled princess"? I should hire someone to kick your ass for that.

Tobias F?nke:
Somebody is a Rude Gus.

Michael:
[talking to Lindsay as Tobias enters] Tobias doesn't do anything around here.

Tobias F?nke:
Well excuuuuuuuse meeeee.

[Tobias looks down defeated looking]

Tobias F?nke:
Excuse me. [walks off crying]

George Michael Bluth:
Oh, my God. It's your mom and gangee.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
What are they doing here?

George Michael Bluth:
They're adults. They're allowed to have fun whenever they want. We're kids, we're supposed to work.

Man at Bar:
You're married to Carl Weathers? Sh*t.

Gob:
I'm a failure. I can't even fake the death of a stripper.

Lucille:
You tricked me.

Michael:
I *deceived* you. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

[getting off the phone with George Sr]

Michael:
What'd he say?

George Michael:
Well, if I clean it up, it really isn't a sentence.

[Gob has slept with a teacher he thought Michael liked]

Michael:
Gob, Ms. Whitehead was the civics teacher. We both had her.

Gob:
Yes we did, and now we're even.

[Lindsay is trying to get rid of a replica of the Ten Commandments from the front of a courthouse]

Lindsay:
I've always been passionate about the separation of church and state.

Michael:
Oh, really? What are you going to do with them?

Lindsay:
I don't know. Give 'em to a school.

[Buster has shown up at his father's hearing with a mariachi band]

Lucille:
Oh, for God's sake. He's out of the house for two days and he joins a gang.

Michael:
What's the matter with you? Didn't you bag some woman you're never going to see again?

Gob:
Well, I broke a couple of my own rules. She knows I'm Gob Bluth, and... we got married, and...

Waitress:
Plate or platter?

Lucille:
I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Michael:
There's more to life than strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?

Gob:
It's not real blood. It's corn syrup and red dye... juice.

Buster:
There's unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook.

Michael Bluth:
Why are you squeezing me with your body?

Lucille Bluth:
It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
It all adds up. He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunneled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candied apple on his way to Mexico.

George Michael Bluth:
Of course. [pause] You're mocking me.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Of course.

George Bluth, Sr.:
Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?

Michael Bluth:
Just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful, though.

Wife of Gob:
I'm in love with your brother-in-law.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?

Wife of Gob:
No. Your sister's husband.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
Michael? Michael.

Wife of Gob:
No. That's your sister's brother.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
No, I'm my sister's brother.You're in love with me? Me.

Wife of Gob:
I'm in love with Tobias.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
My brother-in-law?

Wife of Gob:
I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
To be with your brother?

Wife of Gob:
No.

Buster:
Hey, brother-in-law.

Gob:
Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night.

Narrator:
But he really didn't

Gob:
Yes, I did.

Michael:
Where did you get that outfit?

Lindsay Funke:
Mom gave it to me. I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.

Michael:
Only two of those words describe mom, so I know you're lying to me.

Lindsay Funke:
Okay fine. I bought it before we went broke. I just haven't worn it until now.

Michael:
Uh huh. And the outfit yesterday?

Lindsay Funke:
Old Thing gave it to me.

Lucille:
[talking to the press about her husband] The media has him out to be some sort of mastermind, which believe me he's not. The man can barely work our shredder.

Lucille:
[shrieking at a waiter] Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched I'd eat the inside of your ear.

[Lindsay walks into the Ten Commandments and breaks her shoe]

Lucille:
They're just heels, honey. They can only support so much weight.

George Sr.:
[talking to the stockholders]... And Gilligan has told me that my money will be safe in I.R.A.s.

Ira Gilligan:
Sir, it's Ira.

George Sr.:
Sorry, Gilligan. My money will be safe in Iras.

Buster:
Oh my god... Oh my god... I killed Michael...

Gob:
But on the plus side, you got punched in the face.

Buster:
Hey, brother.

Buster:
Hey, adopted-brother.

Buster:
Hey, hermano.

Gob:
I lost Earl Milford.

Michael:
What?

Gob:
I didn't know it was him. Although he was exceptionally quiet in there. You can always tell a Milford man.

Michael:
So, how'd you make the yacht disappear?

Gob:
Michael, a magician never reveals - [gets excited] - I sunk it. At least I think I sunk it. I mean, I blew it up and I don't see it anywhere.

Narrator:
Gob, getting the feeling he could not return a completely frozen dead dove to a pet store and get the full refund the felt he was entitled to, decided to join him.

Michael:
[seeing everyone lying around on couches] Okay, is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?

Michael:
The only thing I found in the refrigerator was a dead dove in a bag.

Gob:
You didnt eat that dove, did you? I only have 6 days to return it.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Those are the pictures?

Wayne Jarvis:
They're all over the news.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
[scrutinizes] Those are balls.

Wayne Jarvis:
What?

Narrator:
Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself in the bathtub while trying to figure out his new cell phone.

George Michael Bluth:
I have Pop Pop in the attic.

Michael Bluth:
The mere fact that you call making love "Pop Pop" tells me that you're not ready.

Michael:
Hi, there.

Gob:
What's she doing here?

Maebe:
Merry Christmas to you too, Uncle Gob.

Michael:
Is everything okay?

Gob:
I just don't want people's kids getting their sticky little fingers all over these $2,600 pants.

Michael:
You think they're going to go right for the pants?

Gob:
I did the right thing, Michael. If I didn't fire them, how could I teach a lesson to the others?

Michael:
There are no others. You fired everyone.

Gob:
Oh, that's great. The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece is telling the guy in the $3,600 suit... how to... run the business... [pause] Come on.

Michael:
Maybe we were better off with me being businesslike and you being the good time useless party guy.

Gob:
It got us this far. And I must say I miss the laughter. Oh God, how they used to laugh with me.

Michael:
AT you. We have to figure out a way to hire everybody back. A meeting.

Gob:
A party.

Michael:
No, we just had a party.

Gob:
Yeah but I didn't get to have any fun.

Steve Holt:
[reading the cast list for Tobais's play] STEVE HOLT.

Maebe:
STEVE HOLT.

George Michael Bluth:
I'm a stand-in for...

Steve Holt:
[interrupting] STEVE HOLT.

George Michael Bluth:
What's with Steve Holt and your mom?

Maebe:
Oh, I gave him the impression that she was a tranny.

Steve Holt:
[Tobias casts Steve in a female role in the school play] BEATRIX.

Gob:
George Michael... Lets deal some drugs.

Gob:
Brother? Hermano means brother? Well, sounds like Hermano is about to get his ass kicked.

Dr. Gunty:
[to Tobias, during a role playing session] Right. If I'm no Schwimmer, you're no Jennifer Aniston.

[flashback to George Sr. driving a younger Michael, Gob, and Buster]

George Sr.:
We're out of milk. I could have got it earlier if someone would have left a note. [suddenly he runs down J. Walter Weatherman and his fake arm comes off]

George Sr.:
[poorly acting] Why? If someone had left a note, this innocent man would still have his arm. Why? [the kids scream as Weatherman comes up to them]

J. Walter Weatherman:
And that's why you always leave a note.

Lindsay:
[saying how stress can lead to drugs]... like the stress you put on George Michael, even when he gets an A.

Michael:
*Minus*, and he knows an A gets him ice cream.

Buster:
[describing Lucille 2 as he saw her without glasses on]... a darkish area with... points.

Lucille:
I don't want to leave Buster alone with all the J-U-I-C-E.

Buster:
I can spell, Mother; you spelled juice.

Lucille:
What a genius. Let's see you find it.

[Gob has gotten George Michael to break in and steal company records]

George Sr.:
You got my 14-year-old grandson do this?

Gob:
Under 18 walks out clean.

George Sr.:
Listen, um... there's a very strict "no touching policy" here. But, um... oh, what the hell, it's worth a week in the hot box. [Hits Gob]

Prison guard:
No touching.

George Sr.:
You stupid ass.

Maebe:
[as Surely] No more BS. No more BS.

Oscar:
Your mother called me for a reason. I don't think she's happy.

Buster:
No, my mother's happy. She's just mean all the time.

George Sr.:
[explaining why he left the company to Lucille] They cannot charge a husband and wife for the same crime.

Michael:
That's not true.

George Sr.:
Really?

Michael:
Yep.

George Sr.:
[whispering] I got the worst [bleep] -ing attorneys.

Narrator:
Tobias was a never nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Michael:
Tell me the truth. There's been a lot of lying in this family

Lucille:
And a lot of love.

Michael:
More lies.

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Barry receives a sign from God.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
[Seeing a replica of the Ten Commandments on top of his car] I will obey your will, I will lead a good life. [Sees a parking ticket on his car] Well, to hell with this then.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
It would help if you all showed up, looking like a loving, supportive family.

Lucille:
For how long?

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Ten minutes tops.

Lucille:
See if you can get it down to five.

Michael:
G. O. B., you've found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me. I would give anything to be able to have that again, you know? A family. Nothing else matters.

Lucille:
Michael?

Michael:
It's Mom. Hide.

Gob:
You brought up money earlier. I actually would like to borrow some.

Michael:
No.

Lucille:
Michael?

Gob:
He's in here, Mom.

Michael:
Come on.

Lucille Bluth:
I'll be in the hospital bar.

Michael Bluth:
Uhh, you know, there isn't a hospital bar, mother.

Lucille Bluth:
Well, this is why people hate hospitals.

Lindsay Funke:
I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

Wife of Gob:
G. O. B. , I want out. I'm in love with your brother...

Gob:
What? [to Michael] You did it again, you son of a b*tch. [Punches Michael]

Wife of Gob:
...In-law. Tobias. Sorry. I should have finished that thought.

Michael:
You want to be in charge?

Gob:
Yeah.

Michael:
You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can't trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?

Gob:
What kind of vacation time does it offer?

Michael:
[discussing evidence that links George Sr. to Saddam Hussein] If this information was so damaging, why didn't you just shred it?

George Sr.:
Well, Saddam owed us money.

Michael:
And you didn't realize that he wouldn't pay?

George Sr.:
Your mom had a good feeling about him.

Lindsay Funke:
Barry, did you talk to a doctor?

Barry Zuckerkorn:
I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? How the hell did I get that? [Cut to a shot of a rest area]

Lucille Bluth:
She was talking about George.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Oh, he's the same. Look, I guess we should decide on who's going to speak for the family. I would, but I have Laker tickets. [Cut to a shot of the rest area]

Lucille Bluth:
You'd think a man locked up in prison would able to abstain. Your father with his disgusting tweaking. I couldn't breast feed any of you kids because of that man. [Everyone cringes]

Barry Zuckerkorn:
They still look fabulous.

Lindsay Funke:
I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.

Tobias F?nke:
Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.

Lindsay Funke:
That's my point, you... [sees Mabey]... handsome cowboy, you.

Tobias F?nke:
Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish coun- [Notices Mabey]... try music loving lady. Hello, Maeby.

Buster:
[about Lucille] It's like she gets off on being witholding.

Michael:
Whoa. Buster.

Gob:
Look who's got something to say.

Buster:
[impersonating Lucille] I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself. [everyone laughs]

Gob:
Look who's ragging on the old lady.

Buster:
Cause I'm an uptight [long bleep] Buster [Long bleep]... you old horny slut.

Michael:
[pause] Well, no one's going to top that.

Michael:
I wonder how I can talk you out of ever making that face again.

Lucille:
If you're suggesting I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all of my children equally.

Lucille:
[earlier that day] I don't care for Gob.

Marta:
[after Gob's magic trick scares some children] They're children. How could you do that?

Gob:
Oh, sure, first you dump all over it, now you want to know how it's done.

Tobias F?nke:
Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more of the beloved comic actor?

Carl Weathers:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.

Tobias F?nke:
Yes, that's fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1, 100.

Carl Weathers:
Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup... baby, I got a stew going.

Tobias F?nke:
[pause] I think I'd like my money back.

[Buster reveals that he made George Michael get pot from Gob for him]

Buster:
It-it's for my girlfriend. She's sick.

Gob:
Why don't you just wait it out? She's gonna be gone soon.

Buster:
Oh, that's it. [starts hitting Gob] Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself?

Lucille Bluth:
Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That's Lupe, her sister.

Michael Bluth:
I hope she's okay...

Lucille Bluth:
She's awful. Can barely wash a dish.

[Lucille sees Lupe cleaning the inside of the fireplace]

Lucille Bluth:
Uh oh. She better not walk through here after she's been in there. [to Lupe] Tell me you've got an exit strategy.

Michael Bluth:
[chiding her] Mother...

Lucille Bluth:
Oh, please. They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
[turning a twenty into... ] Monopoly. You don't have it, do you?

George Michael:
Yeah, actually.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
Well, that's good, cuz this one is missing a lot of pieces. [drives off on his Segway]

George Michael:
Uh, Uncle GOB, the twenty?

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
A magician never reveals his secrets.

George Michael:
I don't need the secret, I need... [GOB is gone] Wow, that's so much like stealing.

George Sr.:
[pleading his case to the Mexican police] Wait a minute, I'm not Oscar, I'm George.

Prison guard:
The Cornballer.

George Sr.:
Si, si, the cornballer. [the Mexican guards show George Sr. their scarred arms from using the Cornballer]

Narrator:
George Sr. had been marketing a device called "The Cornballer" in Mexico after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S. [footage of George Sr. strangling Richard Simmons]

Narrator:
[Michael argues with GOB over who should do the ribbon-cutting ceremony] George Sr. had always done the ribbon-cutting ceremony, even for the Orange County Prison, which he built, and later, ironically, would occupy.

Michael:
That cousin of yours is a smart girl... Its too bad you can't date her.

George Michael Bluth:
No, I was talk... You mean, you wouldn't have a problem with that?

[Michael looks at him funny]

George Michael Bluth:
...Nothing.

George Michael Bluth:
Don't you always say "family first"?

Michael:
Yes, I do. But that is not a family. Okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.

George Michael Bluth:
She's not my real aunt?

Michael:
Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she was 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.

Narrator:
After being arrested, George Sr. found a loophole in the Mexican judicial system...

George Sr.:
[holds up wad of cash] I have... [clears throat]... I have money

George Sr.:
[George Sr. is hiding in the attic, Michael brings him some food] Does Pop-pop get a treat?

Michael:
No, Pop-pop does not get a treat, I just brought you a f***ing pizza.

George Sr.:
Don't get involved. Believe me. When I thought your first wife was pulling us apart, I did not make a stink.

Michael:
You complained all the time and she was my only wife and she died.

George Sr.:
Well, see? Things have a way of working themselves out.

Gob:
Yeah, the guy in the $3,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.

Gob:
Okay, everybody come out of your offices please. The party has now started. [turns on music] Let's go... Everybody dance now. [the workers stare at him] Everybody dance NOW. [the workers start listlessly dancing]

Michael:
Well, I think we're off to a great start.

Lucille:
I heard about the banana stand and now there's been a break-in. But I have a surprise for whoever it is if he comes back. [holds up an air horn and a fire poker] First I blow him, then I poke him.

Michael:
Guy has no idea what he's in for.

Lucille:
Buster. Thank God you're back. There's no shame in being a coward.

Buster:
A coward? I'm not a coward. Would I coward have THIS? [holds out a stuffed seal]

Lucille:
What the hell is that?

Buster:
These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship and the gorilla is for sand racing.

Michael:
Clear as the Ann on plain's face.

Michael:
My mom is very stressed out, and she needs something I can't give her, um... maybe a little "afternoon delight".

Narrator:
Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Deelite, a strain famous for slowing behavior.

Oscar:
Well sure, my question is, which way do I try to get it in her?

Michael:
I don't need any details.

Oscar:
Maybe I'll put it in her brownie

Michael:
Hey.

Michael Bluth:
I need you to do something to my mom that I cannot do. Maybe some Afternoon Delight.

Oscar:
Ah. Now the question is, how do I get it in her?

Narrator:
Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannibus called "Afternoon Delight". It was known for the ability to slow down reflexes.

Michael Bluth:
I don't want any details...

Oscar:
Maybe I'll put it in her brownie...

Michael Bluth:
Hey.

Michael Bluth:
We're not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw.

Lindsay:
What was all that about?

Michael Bluth:
I think Buster's planning to flee to Mexico.

Michael Bluth:
That's why people don't typically cook in these things or install them in attics. Besides, you made me look very foolish in front of Sally Sitwell.

George Sr.:
Did you stick it to her?

Michael Bluth:
No. You screwed that up just like you screwed up this hot tub.

Tobias F?nke:
I can picture the look on Lindsay's face right now. "Where's Tobias?". Oh, he's just on a weekend getaway with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in... hey, you didn't get any body chocolate.

Michael Bluth:
You know what you do? You go buy yourself a tape recorder and record yourself for a whole day. You might be surprised at some of your phrasing.

Tobias F?nke:
Butterscotch. Wanna lick?

Narrator:
Buster had attempted to flee to Mexico, but instead, he wound up in Santa Ana, California, a town six miles inland from his own. The two cities were so close that they shared a newspaper. Unfortunately, due to the car fumes and high temperatures, Buster could not tell the difference.

Lucille:
Oscar says that this walk, "Recharges his chi." I call it, "An excuse for him to score more pot and wave his ass at the co-eds".

Narrator:
Each year, Oscar attempts the four hundred mile walk from Newport Beach to Berkeley, California. In the twelve years that he's attempted this, he's never made it farther than UC Irvine.

Tobias F?nke:
[Tobias is working as a waiter] I need to go take down the buffet and set up the leather pony.

Michael Bluth:
What's the leather pony?

Tobias F?nke:
I don't know, we don't have that at lunch.

Buster:
[Buster discovers that Lucille and Oscar are making love in his hand chair] Make love in your *own* hand, Mother.

Tobias F?nke:
If this scene I recreate, perhaps I can resnare my mate...

Narrator:
Why wouldn't she take him back?

Tobias F?nke:
I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn't work.

Lucille:
[upon discovering Lupe in bed with Buster]

[to Lupe]

Lucille:
And yet you're too busy to polish the candlesticks? You're fired.

Buster:
You can't fire me, I'm your son. I'm firing you.

Lucille:
I was firing Lupe.

Buster:
O-oh, that makes more sense.

[repeated lines]

Lucille:
You're high.

Oscar:
You're drunk.

[repeated line]

Tobias F?nke:
Hey, who wants to take me to the hospital?

Lucille:
She's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am, but the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for GOB.

Michael:
I think that makes the joke on GOB.

Gob:
[arms crossed] Then there's me. The joker. The goofball. The magician. [quickly makes a magician's gesture with his hands]

Michael:
I thought you were gonna do a little fireball there.

Gob:
I was. It didn't go off.

Michael Bluth:
You can call me anything you want...

Lindsay Funke:
An impotent man-boy?

George Sr.:
The Brits set me up. I heard nothing about Iraq.

Michael:
Dad, we have a picture of you and Saddam Hussein. [picture of George Sr. shaking hands with Saddam Hussein. Caption says "Bluth-Hussen Meeting 1998." ]

George Sr.:
I thought he was the Soup Nazi. I was just congratulating him on a great job.

Lindsay Funke:
[after having met popular actor Moses Taylor, who plays detective Frank Wrench] I'm going to go see if I cant get a wrench to strip my nuts. [pause, everyone stares] I thought it sounded sexy.

Lucille:
Start the bidding at $10,000. If the bidding increases, shout out something like "I get her 364 days a year for free.".

Michael:
I'm not going to say that.

Transvestite Store Clerk:
Are you going to actually buy something this time, or are you just curious?

Tobias F?nke:
Well, let's just say that I'm buy-curious.

George Sr.:
Soak the puppet's mouth with ether, and have Franklin give Lucille a kiss to knock her out.

Gob:
[as Franklin] I ain't kissin' that ol' b*tch.

George Sr.:
[starts to choke Franklin] That's my wife, you bastard.

Gob:
Dad, that's my wrist. [as George Sr. chokes Gob] Hey, that's his neck.

Narrator:
[as Tobias prepares himself] Tobias had recently auditioned for a role as a member of the silent performance trio, the Blue Man Group.

Tobias F?nke:
And this is "Kids", from "Bye, Bye, Birdie". [piano cues up the song]

Narrator:
He had yet to hear back from them.

Gob:
[while giving a lecture on office sexual harassment policies] Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office [bleep] and [bleep] and finger [bleep] and [long bleep] or even [bleep] . Even though so many of us are *begging* for it. Oh, and if anyone lays a finger on my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my [bleep] and I'll personally [long bleep] .

Gob:
Ok, ok, ok. So should, should, should, should, should, shhhhshsh, should, should...

Michael:
Well, do it your way, I'm just here to have fun.

Gob:
Not too much fun, all right? I already gave my big sexual harassment speech today.

Gob:
[subtitle: earlier that day... ] [Gob talking to Bluth employees about sexual harassment] Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office [bleep]ing, or [bleep]ing, or finger [bleep] , or [bleep]sting, or [bleep] esting or [bleep] eing or even [bleep] . Even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll [bleep] , and I'll personally [really long bleep] .

Maebe:
All Pop-Pop ever wanted was to see you with another man besides Daddy.

Lindsay Funke:
You're right. I'll just throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud.

Tobias F?nke:
[background] Uh-oh. I should not have picked at that. That's blood.

Gob:
I'm filling Dad's shoes, now, Michael. Literally. Well, the shoes didn't fit but at least I got into Dad's pants. [everyone looks at GOB] And I also had to have the crotch taken up a little.

Michael:
Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out of rehab.

Gob:
Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.

Buster:
She's better than the whores you date.

Gob:
Don't call my escorts whores.

Buster:
Mom's still got it.

Gob:
I don't date whores.

Lindsay Funke:
Stop it, both of you. This objectification of women has got to stop.

Michael:
It's just Mom and whores.

[after watching Rita walk across the pool]

Michael:
Gob, was that your trick?

Gob:
No, Michael, that's not my trick.

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development:

Gob:
[shouts] It's my illusion.

Buster:
Oh, my God, she's after our money.

Michael:
No, we don't have any money.

Buster:
Oh, my God, she's already taken our money.

Lucille:
I bought it using the new unfrozen stock as soon as I received the memo.

Michael Bluth:
You mean, the memo that specifically told you not to sell?

Lucille:
Did it say that? I stopped after "unfrozen."

Michael:
Why haven't you talked to my brother, the new President of the company?

Wayne Jarvis:
We did earlier. He claims to know nothing.

Michael:
Well, that's not an act. He twice tried to heat up a Ding-Dong in a microwave while it was still in its tinfoil.

Wayne Jarvis:
Twice?

Michael:
Two times.

Gob:
You drive a hard bargain, but I'm the President of the Bluth company, and I decline. [turns to Sitwell] You look surprised.

Stan Sitwell:
[adjusts his eyebrows] Must've put 'em on wrong.

Buster:
Hey, I just came to tell you that I can't do that wall.

Drill Instructor:
There's no time for that. We're shipping out without you. Haven't you heard? [hands Buster military files]

Buster:
Weapons of Mass Destruction?

Gob:
Those bastards.

Drill Instructor:
I did not say that.

Gob:
Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives? [advances to the wall] Climb that wall, homo.

Drill Instructor:
Go get 'em.

Narrator:
[as Buster climbs the wall] Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises... [Gob punches Buster as he jumps to the other side]... it did.

Gob:
Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.

Gob:
[talking about his new boat] The Seaward.

Michael:
You're not getting a boat.

Gob:
[doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.

Michael:
You're not gonna do it... [does rock] .

Gob:
Paper covers rock.

Michael:
Fine, but rock sinks boat.

Lucille:
[entering room] Michael.

Michael:
Just a minute mom. [to GOB] . Get rid of the Seaward.

Lucille:
I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Steve Holt:
Your mom seems pretty cool.

Maebe:
That's not my mom.

Steve Holt:
...but she said you were her daughter.

Maebe:
His daughter. It's my dad.

Steve Holt:
That's a dude?

Maebe:
And the worst part is? He thinks he's passing.

[upon seeing GOB's banana stand "mascots"]

George Michael:
Are those strippers?

Michael:
If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.

Narrator:
While on the set of Wrench, Tobias had snuck into the costume closet and disguised himself as an English nanny in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he had what it took to become a successful actor. It was the exact same plot as Mrs. Doubtfire...

Tobias F?nke:
[after Lindsay answers the door] Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over.

Lindsay Funke:
Uh... I didn't contact any agency.

Tobias F?nke:
But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two...

Narrator:
And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix...

Tobias F?nke:
A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way...

Gob:
Well, I'm not the president, so I dont deserve a fancy phone.

Tobias F?nke:
Well, the Blue Man Group may need me, and I *do* deserve a fancy phone.

Narrator:
They didn't. [Tobias flips his phone across the room]

Narrator:
And he doesn't.

[repeated line]

Kitty:
It's the last time you'll see these. [flashes Michael]

Gob:
I'm an ideas man Michael. I think I proved that with "F*** Mountain".

Gob:
Is that George Michael's girlfriend? What is she funny or something?

White Power Bill:
White Power!

[as he stabs Gob in the kidney]

Gob:
But I'm white!

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
[walks in on George-Michael kissing his cousin, Maeby] Dad's going to be crushed.

George Michael Bluth:
[nervously] You don't have to tell him!

George Sr.:
I think it's a mistake letting George Michael go on this church thing.

Michael:
Her name is Ann, Dad, and he's not "going on" her.

[repeated line]

Michael:
[in reference to Ann] Her?

Michael:
I'm sure Egg is a great person.

George Michael Bluth:
It's... it's Ann.

George Michael:
Yeah, Ann loves eggs. Sometimes, she puts mayonnaise in her mouth, then she puts the egg in there and does this [Imitates pushing an egg around in his mouth] She calls it a "mayonegg!"

George Michael:
[pause] [to Michael] Are you ok?

Michael:
Yeah, I don't feel so good.

Michael:
I think George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.

Lindsay Funke:
From the Nazis?

George Michael Bluth:
Say what you want about America, thirteen bucks still gets you a hell of a lot of mice!

J. Walter Weatherman:
And that's why you always leave a note.

J. Walter Weatherman:
And that's why you don't yell.

Rita:
But I want to get married and have sexual relations like you promised.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
I'm going to start acting like a kid now.

Lindsay Funke:
Oh! Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.

Michael Bluth:
That's not true. That's not true at all.

Lindsay Funke:
[Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!

Michael Bluth:
What is that? Is that a chicken?

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
What's this?

Lindsay Funke:
Michael is scared to ask out Sally.

Michael Bluth:
No, I'm not.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
This is priceless. [Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay] Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!

Michael Bluth:
Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!

[repeated line]

Maebe:
That was a freebie.

Lucille:
You're HIGH!

Oscar:
You're DRUNK!

Tobias F?nke:
And I recognize you from somewhere, but it's not from the Fantastic Four. It's from somewhere else.

Debrie Bardeaux:
I've done some things I'm not proud of.

Tobias F?nke:
Episodics? Been there.

Narrator:
It wasn't episodic.

[flashback to a bedroom film set with a visible boom mike and actors reading off cue cards]

Narrator:
She had been in a series of softcore porn movies about women leading straight men into gay sex called "Straightbait".

Debrie Bardeaux:
This is my brother. He's gay. If you want to have sex with me, then you've got to have sex with him first.

'Gay' Straightbait Actor:
And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay.

'Straight' Straightbait Actor:
[interrupts] I'll show you I'm not gay I am.

[all three begin to undress]

Narrator:
She did six of these movies,

[they get onto the bed in a triangle arrangement, which eventually causes it to break]

Narrator:
and after lunch, did three more.

Gob:
[laughing at a joke an employee told about George Sr] Into the Kitty.

George Sr.:
[to Michael] Fire Tom and get your jackass brother out of here.

Michael Bluth:
Well, you do it your way, GOB, I'm just here to have fun.

Gob:
Well, not too much fun. I gave my big sexual harassment speech earlier today.

Gob:
[earlier that day] Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office *bleep* or *bleep* -ing, or finger *bleep* or *bleep* -sting or *bleep* -esting or *bleep* eing or *bleep* or even *bleep* . Oh and if anyone tries anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my *bleep* . And I'll personally *really long bleep* .

Lucille:
I have a plan to stave off intruders.

Michael Bluth:
What's that?

Lucille:
[holds up an air horn and a fire poker] First I blow him then I poke him.

Michael Bluth:
[stunned] Guy doesn't know what he's in for.

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Tobias finally gets a call from the Blue Man Group with a life-changing opportunity. But he cant hear, and his life stays the same.

Michael Bluth:
You may want to start acting like the president, GOB. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.

Gob:
Yeah, like the president has to worry about alienating the employees.

Narrator:
In fact, GOB had started to alienate some of the employees.

Gob:
[in the break room] Yeah, like I'm going to spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit! COME ON!

Gob:
[at the elevator] Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. COME ON!

Gob:
[in the bathroom] Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit! COME ON!

Maggie Lizer:
I'm blind!

Michael:
I'm wasted!

[George Sr. has been offered a plea bargain nobody has read]

Michael:
All right, listen, this is all getting a little crazy. We cannot accept their plea if we don't even know what the plea is.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Do you want to read it?

Michael:
No, it is pretty thick. Maybe we should just take the plea.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Oh, I could kiss you on the nuts!

Michael:
We just gotta hope that... what?

[after a one-night stand]

Gob:
You should have stuck around to see me get some major action. From a major blonde. Who just "majored" in marine biology, if you know what I mean.

Michael:
No, I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.

George Sr.:
Next time this happens, I may not have a son in law to offer...

Michael Bluth:
Well, I'm not... [pauses] OFFER?

George Sr.:
Offer me counseling. He should have stayed a shrink.

[in Lupe's house, Buster finds a chair that looks like a hand]

Byron "Buster" Bluth:
Hey, it's my old hand chair. I never thought I'd miss a hand so much.

George Michael Bluth:
You said I was hogging her. Like I was being a litlle Ann hog. Can she come with us?

Michael:
Ann Hog's coming?

Michael:
We cant take GOB with us.

Narrator:
Michael and GOB had been to Mexico before.

Gob:
[after a kid offers him some "chicle"] I'm the chicle? You're the chicle! [proceeds to do his chicken dance]

Narrator:
Unfortunately in Mexico, this was considered a much more inflammatory gesture.

Lucille:
[on the phone] I need you to track down GOB, I think he's trying to get me out of the house. [someone knocks on the door] Never mind, it's just some idiot in a suit holding balloons.

Gene Parmesan:
[lifts up the mask] Oh... is it?

Lucille:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lucille:
[about Gene Parmesan] Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me but he never did find anything.

Michael:
He can't be very good then, can he?

Lucille:
He's the best.

Narrator:
Gene was far from the best.

George Michael Bluth:
Way to plant, Ann.

Michael:
George-Michael, why don't you take Plant and wait in the car?

Michael:
I'm going to have to start putting people in the trunk.

Narrator:
At that very moment, Buster was climbing into the trunk.

Buster:
[videotaping himself] Mother, when you see this tape, you will know that I've left. Not out of cowardice, but out of... man, it's tired in here!@

Narrator:
Six minutes later, Michael stopped to drop off his mother's housekeeper.

Buster:
[Buster climbs out of the trunk] Mexico.

Narrator:
In fact, Buster was in Santa Ana, a town six minutes inland from his own, but the combination of losing his glasses and breathing carbon monoxide had impaired Buster's judgement.

Buster:
[seeking shelter] This will keep me safe from the hot Mexican sun.

Lupe:
Excuse me, what are you doing?

Buster:
I'm trying to find a place to live!

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Buster reclaims his favorite hand chair. [Buster sees Lucille and Oscar having sex in it] But the victory is short lived.

Buster:
Make love in your OWN hand, MOTHER!

Michael:
You know, this open marriage is ridiculous. Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
The important thing is that you guys don't lose focus on yourself. [Maeby walks away]

Tobias F?nke:
You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, I know you're the big marriage expert - oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, your wife is dead! [Michael and Lindsay stare in silence] I'm sorry, that was 100% inappropriate and I do apologize profusely. I do apologize profusely, I'm - oh... [Tobias walks away in embarrassment]

Tobias F?nke:
[arguing with Lindsay] Oh, great, you're mocking me. You selfish? [realises Maebe is watching] country-music loving lady!

Gob:
Where am I? Am I in two-thirds of a hospital room?

Michael Bluth:
Mom wanted me to tell you she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead, she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in a blue sweater.

Buster:
Dammit! I hate the blue sweater!

Michael Bluth:
She said it would look nice with the gray pants.

Buster:
Dammit! She's right!

George Michael Bluth:
So, uh, I've been thinking about that conversation we were having the other night about, uh, where Maeby came from. And uh, I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.

Tobias F?nke:
Yes, okay, uh... well, have a seat. Uh... um... when a man... needs to prove to a woman that he's actua- when a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her, something very, very special happens. And with deep, deep concentration and, and great focus, he's often able to achieve an erec...

George Michael Bluth:
I'm sorry, I'm going to stop you. I know what you mean. I, I didn't mean babies in general.

Tobias F?nke:
Oh, well that's good. Because it was about to get a little, eh, gross.

Marta:
[to a fighting Michael and Gob] What is wrong with you? I thought you were good people. I thought you were noble. I thought you care about family, but you clearly don't. It's over. Both of you. It's over.

Buster:
Wait, wait. What about... what about me?

Marta:
I'm sorry, I'm not totally sure who you are.

Buster:
Wow. Wow. That's what it feels like to get punched in the face.

Marta:
What's the matter?

Michael:
It's my mother. Probably just calling to remind me about... Dad's hearing.

Marta:
Oh, I understand. With my father, it's the vision.

Gob:
Well... sounds like "Hermano" is about to get his ass kicked.

Gob:
Well... sounds like someone who you thinks name is "Tio" is about to get his ass kicked.

Buster:
No, mother, I can blow myself and you have interfered for the last time!

Gob:
Nothing works in this house.

Michael:
Tell me about it.

Lindsay Funke:
Is that a shot at me?

Gob:
Probably.

Lindsay Funke:
Because for your information, I got a job.

Michael:
Really, what kind of job?

Lindsay Funke:
Beads.

Gob:
BEES?

Lindsay Funke:
BEADS.

Gob:
BEADS?

Michael:
Gob's not on board.

Gob:
Gilligan killed the Skipper - I mean, the stripper!

Michael:
We're gonna go on a fishing trip.

George Michael:
Why? What did I do?

[discussing Gob's bachelor party]

Gob:
Dad, you are gonna love this woman.

George Sr.:
Well, I'm paying her enough, but she's a hell of a stripper.

Gob:
No, I meant my wife.

George Sr.:
Oh. No, I doubt that very much.

Tobias F?nke:
I guess what I'm saying is... I wanna reunite the band.

Michael:
Oh no.

Narrator:
Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne Acquisition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.

Lucille:
Everyone's laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster.

Michael:
Oh, and I'm sure you know better than anyone, Lindsay. No borders, no limits, oh go ahead, touch the Cornballer...

Michael:
[after being burned by the Cornballer] Mother of God! Oh! Every damn time! Oh, this is a big one!

Steve Holt:
[reading the cast list for Tobais's play] Steve Holt!

Maebe:
Steve Holt!

George Michael Bluth:
Stand in for... Steve Holt?

Steve Holt:
[interrupting] Steve Holt!

George Michael Bluth:
[upon reading who he's been cast as in the school play] Stand in for... Steve Holt?

Steve Holt:
Steve Holt!

Gob:
Hey, the Cornballer. Thought these things were only legal in Mexico.

Narrator:
In fact, the Cornballer wasn't legal anywhere, but George Sr. continued to market it in Mexico, anyways.

Lucille:
Oh, hello, Buster. Here's a candy bar. No, I'm withholding it. Look at me, "getting off. "

Michael:
[on Buster's bike accident] You were flying today, buddy.

Buster:
Yes, I was flying. But a little too close to the sun.

Lucille:
You let him go in the sun?

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets a review of his Shakespeare play.

Tobias F?nke:
I didn't get into this business to please sophomore Tracy Schwartzman, so... onward and upward. On...

Tobias F?nke:
[Cut to Tobias crying in the shower] Why, Tracy? Why?

[Lucille is trying to convince Michael to take Buster off her hands]

Michael Bluth:
Okay, he can hang out, but he's going to work. This is not going to be a day at the beach.

[the camera pans out to show that Buster's wearing beach clothes]

Narrator:
[Michael and Buster are putting on biking gear] Michael decides to fill the void left by his son with his brother.

Michael:
You know, I'm in pretty good shape. You could be eating my dust out there!

Narrator:
And Buster was giving as good as he received.

Buster:
Yeah, and you could be [loooooong expletive] that's gonna [looooong expletive] !

Michael:
[stunned] Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Buster:
[about Lucille] It's like she gets off on being withholding.

Michael Bluth:
Whoa, Buster!

Gob:
Look who's ragging on the old lady!

Buster:
Because I'm an uptight [long bleep] Buster [long bleep] you old horny slut!

Michael Bluth:
[stunned] Nobody's going to top that.

Michael:
[in a meeting, Buster is making lots of noise building a bike] We're here, and we're focused, and... [interrupts] BUSTER! You cant do that in the snack room, pal?

Buster:
Mom told me to stay away from microwaves.

Lucille:
Candy bar?

Buster:
[reaches for the offered candy]

Lucille:
[takes it back] No, I'm withholding it. [pause] Look at me, getting off.

Sally Sitwell:
Still doing your little tricks?

George "Gob" Bluth II:
Do you consider this to be a little trick?

[Gob tries to create a fireball, but sprays Sally with lighter fluid instead]

Sally Sitwell:
Did you just... squirt me with something?

George "Gob" Bluth II:
It's lighter fluid. Didn't put in a new flint.

[trying to cover]

George "Gob" Bluth II:
But still: where did the lighter fluid come from?

George Sr.:
[George Sr. installs a hot tub in the attic] It's so hot. You got to get it outta here, Mikey, my *eyes*, they're burning.

Michael Bluth:
That's why people don't typically cook in these things or install them in attics.

George Sr.:
They looked good on the package.

Michael Bluth:
Is that chicken marsala stuck in the intake?

Lindsay Funke:
And I'm gonna go see if I can get a wrench to strip my nuts.

Lindsay Funke:
I was trying to be sexy. It just got away from me.

Tobias F?nke:
This is the chance to right the small wrong that I did.

Michael Bluth:
You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.

[after Michael takes away a frozen Bluth banana from George]

Lucille:
How much could a banana cost? Ten dollars?

Michael:
You've never been to a supermarket, have you?

Gob:
[whistling] I have some conditionsss...

Michael:
Do you?

Gob:
...termsss... One condition and one term!

Michael:
[in police car] What'd you do?

George Michael:
Just trying to be a good guy.

Michael:
Me too... let's go visit Pop-Pop.

[while George-Michael and Maeby are going through files at the patent office, Maeby sticks her gum to the cabinet]

George-Michael Bluth:
What are you doing? They're going to know we were here!

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
They already know that. Our fingerprints are all over the room.

George-Michael Bluth:
You said they wouldn't check for fingerprints!

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
I said don't wear your mittens. They look ridiculous on the security camera.

George-Michael Bluth:
THERE'S A SECURITY CAMERA?

[Last lines]

Ron Howard:
I don't see it as a series. Maybe a movie.

Lucille:
[to the Hot Cops] Do you boys know how to shovel coal?

Narrator:
I don't even want to tell you what these guys thought that meant.

Tobias F?nke:
I booked a wonderful spot for the party - the Queen Mary. Perhaps I should call the hot cops and tell them to come up with a more nautical theme. Hot sailors. Better yet... Hot sea...

Michael:
[quickly interrupting] I like hot sailors.

Tobias F?nke:
Me too.

Lucille Bluth:
Annyong?

Annyong:
Annyong.

Buster:
Annyong?

Annyong:
Annyong. But my real name is Hello.

Buster:
Hello?

Annyong:
Annyong.

Lucille:
[flashback] Dinner's ready. We're having Lindsay chops. What? I just wanted to be ready in case some bully at school was as clever as I am.

Narrator:
No bully ever would be.

Narrator:
Soon, George Michael went to Ann's to try to win her back. But her Uncle Paul told him that Ann had moved in with her boyfriend. He also mentioned that we all only had three more weeks on earth, and that fossils were just something the Jews buried in 1924.

Lucille:
So this is why they dropped the charges, you gave me up George!

Oscar:
I'm not George, George invited me. Oh stupid Oscar, when are you going to learn that there's no such thing as free shrimp?

Narrator:
Buster faced his second biggest fear.

Buster:
I cant swim! I cant swim!

Narrator:
And then his first.

Buster:
[the seal that ate Buster's hand appears] Oh come on!

Narrator:
George Michael didn't just get to first base with Maeby, he dove in head first. Like Pete Rose.

Michael:
Yeah, well, where is George Michael, by the way?

Gob Bluth:
He came by the yacht, gave me this shiner.

Michael:
He hit you? What for?

Gob Bluth:
You know teenagers. Probably lashing out at you because of who I'm dating.

Michael:
Who are you dating?

Gob Bluth:
Ann.

Michael:
Her?

Gob Bluth:
Don't worry. I didn't fight back or anything. I was like, "Oh, no, take the yacht. Please don't hurt me." You know, just build up the little guy's self-esteem.

Adelaide:
Oh Adelaide how could you do this again?

Narrator:
It wasnt' the first time.

Adelaide:
[flashback] Faker! [she slaps the coma victim]

Adelaide:
[flashback] Faker! [she slaps the coma victim]

Adelaide:
Oh Gary, if you love me, you'll take that first step. [he does, she slaps him and he falls to the floor] Faker!

Narrator:
She was wrong on that one. It really was love that made Gary take that first step.

Adelaide:
Oh Buster, you're such a (bleep)

Michael:
[Buster looks confused] That means she likes you.

[Michael and Gob watch the Saddam Hussein trial on television]

Saddam Hussein:
I am not real Saddam. The real Saddam Hussein has a scar on his forehead. I am no scar. I am no scar. Dot com.

Michael:
And you finished off the whole bottle?

Lindsay Funke:
I had to, it's vodka. It goes bad once it's opened.

Michael:
I think that's another of mom's fibs, like "I'll sacrifice anything for my children".

Tobias F?nke:
And I am off to buy the perfect present for Maebe. Maybe she'd like a suit like this.

Narrator:
That is her suit.

Tobias F?nke:
They probably don't make it in a woman's.

Narrator:
They only make it in a woman's.

Buster:
[while Lindsay and Tobias are having a heated argument] WELL JUST FAKE IT! [he falls back asleep] COMA...

Narrator:
Believe it or not, that actually got through to them.

Buster:
Now please turn on the cartoon network and get the hell out of here!

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Mock Trial With J. Reinhold spawns imitators.

Gob:
All rise, Bud Cort is now in session!

Bud Cort:
Please be seated.

Gob:
[as Franklin] Hard to be seated when you got someone's hand up your ass!

Bud Cort:
Can we lose the puppet?

Narrator:
And Michael discovers that he wasn't N. Bluth after all.

Michael:
[looking at old family photos] I have an older sister?

Narrator:
So much for not abandoning family.

Narrator:
And so like two people who no longer felt anything for each other, George Michael and Maeby decided to get married.

Michael:
[reading his birth certificate] "Nichael Bluth"? Oh my god, am I "N. Bluth"? Is he setting me up? If I'm N. Bluth, I'm going to prison!

Narrator:
Nichael was worried.

Michael Bluth:
I am not going to turn this mock trial into some kind of...

Gob:
You were going to say "mockery", weren't you?

Michael Bluth:
I was in trouble like three words into that.

George Bluth Sr.:
[Michael gets the witness list for the deposition] Who's on the list? Any blabbers?

Michael Bluth:
Just one, but he wont be talking unless there's a hand inside of them.

Tobias F?nke:
Oh please, even then, I wouldn't say anything.

Michael Bluth:
[stunned] That's reassuring. I was talking about Franklin, actually.

Michael Bluth:
Is the an "N. Bluth" in the family we don't know about? They say there's been money found in an account under that name.

George Bluth Sr.:
Of course not. The prosecution is trying to test us, see if we're going to turn against each other. They make stuff up. She doesn't exist.

Michael Bluth:
Yet you refer to her as a she.

George Bluth Sr.:
He... she... what's the difference?

Tobias F?nke:
Oh here, here. In the dark, it all looks the same.

Michael Bluth:
And I am going to be pretending to be your lawyer during the mock trial, whether you like it or not.

George Bluth Sr.:
You're the lawyer! Oh, that's the same representation Captain Hook had.

Lucille Bluth:
Oh, it's so good to laugh again!

Franklin Bluth:
My name is Judge.

Gob:
Whose name is Judge?

Franklin Bluth:
My name is...

Gob:
That's a silly name!

Franklin Bluth:
-Judge. My name...

Gob:
Yes I am judging your name. It am silly!

Franklin Bluth:
- is...

Gob:
Oh, now you're correcting my grammar?

Michael:
What the hell is that thing?

George Sr.:
An electromagnet. Think of it as a giant delete key.

[Michael has a long, boring talk with Nellie]

Narrator:
Yeah. While that's going on, let's see what's happening with the rest of the family.

[We see George-Michael doing his homework]

Narrator:
Nothing there.

[We see George Sr. clipping his toenails]

Narrator:
Or there.

[We see Buster in the hospital faking a coma. Adelaide crawls into bed with him]

Narrator:
Oh my! Let's go back to Michael.

Buster:
[on the phone after Lucille threatens to cut his cord] They're trying to kill Baby Buster! Oh that's right, from the videos!

Narrator:
And Nellie had a list of wonts.

Nellie Bluth:
Please refrain from any (bleep) or (bleep) -ing or (bleep) -esting or (bleep) -eing or finger (bleep) or (bleep) or even (bleep) . And please use a (bleep) when you (bleep) me. And if any of this winds up on the internet, I will (bleep) you in the (bleep) .

Tom:
Our computers don't work on the internet.

Michael:
What's all this?

George Sr.:
Computer stuff from the office.

Michael:
No, no, no, no, pop. You're not doing another one of those Black Fridays, are you? The mass firings?

Narrator:
Before firing his employees, George Sr. would be sure to clear the office of its valuables.

Ted:
So when do we get to see our fancy new offices?

George Sr.:
[closing the truck door] When you get your fancy new jobs. You're all fired.

Narrator:
The employees never saw it coming, although their first task was to unload their equipment from a truck.

George Sr.:
No, it's not black Friday although I did enjoy those.

Narrator:
And Michael went to investigate his mystery sister.

Lucille:
Michael! What a surprise!

Michael Bluth:
Really? Were you expecting someone else? Maybe one of your... two daughters?

Lucille:
Oh Lindsay and Tobias never visit. [laughs] Oh we're so bad.

Michael Bluth:
I meant Lindsay and Nellie.

Lucille:
You call him that too? It's so great to be able to talk like this!

Michael:
You know, I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.

Tobias F?nke:
Ah, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.

Michael:
OK, that's the last one.

Narrator:
George Michael was interested in the subject of marital love because earlier that day, he discovered that the recent mock wedding he had acted in with his cousin was in fact as real and binding as the rice pudding the disoriented patients had thrown at them.

Nellie Bluth:
[Michael finishes a long-winded boring, story] Wow, what a great story.

Narrator:
It wasn't great. Nellie was just a good listener. All prostitutes are.

Michael:
[about Nellie] It's like we finish each other's...

Lindsay Bluth F?nke:
Sandwiches?

Michael:
Sentences. Why would I say...

Lindsay Bluth F?nke:
Sandwiches?

Nellie Bluth:
[to Michael] I've always been mildly attracted to you.

George Michael Bluth:
[to Maeby] What a fun and sexy time for you!

Byron "Buster" Bluth:
Oh, for God's sake. Can't you keep my hand to yourself?

Lucille Bluth:
And guess what else is back? [Lucille winks]

Michael Bluth:
My breakfast?

Lucille Bluth:
My friskiness. Mama horny, Michael.

Michael Bluth:
No, it's my breakfast. I'm amazed Dad hasn't strangled himself with his belt yet.

Lucille Bluth:
Oh, we're into all kinds of freaky stuff.

Michael Bluth:
Why do I eat breakfast before I come here?

Tobias F?nke:
Ooh, I can taste those meaty, leading man parts in my mouth!

Michael:
[while Lindsay, George Sr., and Lucille are all doing chicken dances] Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

Michael:
Maybe it's time you went out there and got yourself a girl... PET!

Buster:
How about a turtle? I love those leathery little snappy faces.

Michael:
You certainly have a type.

Gob:
[after learning that George Sr. has been placed under house arrest] It wont be too long until dad strangles himself with his belt.

Michael:
No, it turns out that they're into that.

Tobias F?nke:
Gob, I would like to be in your trick and there's someone I'd like to put in a plug for. Or... should I say 4,000 plugs?

Gob:
[Tobias removes his cap and his hair plugs are bleeding] Oh god...

Lupe:
Mister gay is bleeding! Mister gay!

George Sr.:
[describing house arrest] In prison, you just had to sit there and take it. Here, you have to sit here and give it.

Gob:
Dad asked me to do this on the day he pleads not guilty, as a spectacular protest. A protestacular!

George Sr.:
You didn't hear, we lost Andy.

Michael:
What? What are you talking about? He didn't like his trailer?

Lindsay Funke:
He thought we were making fun of him.

George Sr.:
[the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck] No one was making fun of Andy Griffith. I can't emphasize that enough.

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay tries to pay off her debt to Bob Loblaw.

Bob Loblaw:
Why don't you get a maid's uniform and come over to my house?

Lindsay Funke:
No way to misinterpret that...

Narrator:
[Lindsay is next seen in a maid's uniform hauling out trash] Except the one...

Michael:
That's why I had this meeting here, so Dad could not interfere.

Larry:
Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.

Michael:
I'm sorry, have we met?

Bob Loblaw:
This is Larry Middleman, he's your father's surrogate.

Michael:
Surrogate?

Larry:
That's right, you dumb f***!

George Sr.:
I hired this guy to wear a camera in his hat so he could be my eyes and ears while I'm stuck in this penthouse.

Larry:
This camera helps me keep tabs on you idiots... while this thing rubs my ankle raw.

George Sr.:
I mean, look at this thing...

Larry:
I can't even go in the hallway...

George Sr.:
Without hearing that...

Larry:
Beep. Beep. Beep.

Bob Loblaw:
[commercial] Are you a corporate executive facing these or other charges? You don't need double talk! You need Bob Loblaw! After all, why should you go to jail for a crime somebody else noticed?

Narrator:
Michael was afraid he had been caught in a lie about his family. The family was afraid they were caught by a woman they had clubbed, drugged, and left on a bench. It was awkward.

Tobias F?nke:
You're forgetting, Lindsay, that as a psychiatrist, I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first "analrapist".

Lindsay Funke:
Yeah, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.

Tobias F?nke:
[after showing the business card] Yes, but I didn't stop because of the police inquiries, I stopped to help raise our little girl. Where is Maeby, anyways?

Buster:
[Tobias hands Buster his business card] Ahhhh!

Tobias F?nke:
Oh, it's pronounced "Analrapist".

Buster:
It wasn't the pronunciation that bothered me.

Tobias F?nke:
See, Buster, it wasn't a loose seal you couldn't stand up to, it was Lucille. Ooh, I'm getting chills. If this were a Lifetime Moment Of Truth movie, this would be our act break.

Narrator:
[music begins playing] But it wasn't.

Michael:
Buster got a medal, what for?

Lucille:
Oh who knows what they were saying? It's probably because a seal ate his hand. Apparently, the army is giving out medals for being food now.

[Michael catches George-Michael sneaking hard-boiled eggs to George Sr]

Michael Bluth:
I think George-Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.

Lindsay Bluth F?nke:
From who, the Nazis?

Michael Bluth:
No, his girlfriend from me. I just caught him sneaking up to her in the attic and he clearly did so because he thinks I don't approve. I think I'm gonna invite her to the wake. Why make him hide? Why do to him what... Why do to him what Dad used to do to me?

Lindsay Bluth F?nke:
[sobbing] He was so amazing.

Michael Bluth:
That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was. You're really going through something here, huh?

Lindsay Bluth F?nke:
I know. You know, it's funny-all those years when I pretended to cry... I used to use Dad's death to get me going. I tried it with Mom's, but I'd just end up smiling and ruining it. But it feels, like, real. You know? And you haven't really allowed yourself to grieve much at all, Michael.

Michael Bluth:
My relationship with Dad was much more-much more complicated than yours. It was predicated a lot on secrets and lies. There wasn't a lot of trust there.

Tobias F?nke:
Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build me an airport, put my name on it. Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? You can keep them bottled up, Michael, but they will come out. Sometimes in the most unexpected...

[opens refrigerator and looks inside]

Tobias F?nke:
Hey, where the f*** are my hard-boiled eggs?

Michael:
His name is Gary and we don't need any more lawsuits.

Gob:
Wait... Gary's gay? He's going to think I was coming onto him.

Gob:
[flashback] You've got a nice mouth.

Gob:
[flashback] I'd kill for that ass.

Gob:
[flashback] Now lately, the chair doesn't seem to give out but as soon as I lean back...

Narrator:
As a child, Buster had a beloved parakeet. But after landing on his mother's housekeeper's head, it flew away. And into a transformer. When Buster found out, he destroyed the family's kitchen, believing this to be where Rosa lived.

Narrator:
Michael remembered what Buster did to what he thought was Rosa's favorite toy to what he thought was Rosa's car. [Young Buster throws a vacuum cleaner at the bus]

George Michael Bluth:
That's my ex-girlfriend, Ann. Her face will be forever etched in my mind.

George Sr.:
Her?

George Michael Bluth:
She's really funny.

George Sr.:
Well, let's hope so.

Gob:
[stuck under a coffin] Something's gone wrong.

[he gets buried alive to applause]

Tobias F?nke:
HEY! WHERE THE F*CK ARE MY HARD-BOILED EGGS?

Michael Bluth:
It's as Ann as the nose on Plain's face.

[Buster gets a hook to replace the hand he lost]

Buster:
Hey, Uncle.

[Buster gives Oscar a shoulder rub and repeatedly jabs him with the hook]

Oscar:
Ow! Ah! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You've got my tendon caught on your claw!

Buster:
My claw?

[Buster stares at his hook in sheer terror as Psycho-type music plays]

Buster:
I'm a MONSTER!

Lucille:
[after Michael answers the phone] Ahhhhhh.

Michael:
You've really got to stop starting conversations like that.

Lucille:
I asked God to take anything from Buster to keep him from going to war.

Michael:
Mom, god's not going to answer a call from you.

Gob:
I trained the seal to eat cats, and then released him in the ocean.

Michael:
OK, you've got a better case than mom does.

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Buster and GOB find themselves closer than ever.

The Literal Doctor:
Good news, we've removed the hook and there's been no damage.

Gob:
[as Buster gets up and leaves] Oh thank god!

The Literal Doctor:
Unfortunately, you've still got a hook in your ass.

Lucille:
[the family is waiting for news on Buster from a very literal doctor] How's my son?

The Literal Doctor:
He's going to be all right.

Lindsay Funke:
Finally some good news from this guy.

George Michael Bluth:
There's no other way to take that.

The Literal Doctor:
That's a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don't know that I'd take it this well.

Lucille:
But you said he was all right.

The Literal Doctor:
Yes, he's lost his left hand. So he's going to be "all right."

Lucille:
[Jumping on the doctor] You son of a b*tch. I hate this doctor.

Lindsay Funke:
How do we keep getting this guy?

Michael:
Mom, he's a very literal man.

The Literal Doctor:
Yes, that's more the way I would take the news.

Gob:
I think I'm responsible for Buster's hand.

Maeby F?nke:
Yeah, and I'm responsible for an $80-million movie without an ending.

Gob:
I know those problems seem big when you're a kid, Maeby.

Maeby F?nke:
Look, this is kind of weird advice for me to be giving but why don't you just tell him the truth? I mean, he'll respect you for it.

Gob:
Thanks, Maeby. [Gob turns and walks away]

Maeby F?nke:
Okay, now I'm just lying for no reason.

Maeby F?nke:
What on earth is taking so long? Am I the only one who wants to get home and see their kids?

[voice over]

Narrator:
And Michael had been getting along with his sister, Lindsay. This was unwelcome news to Lucille, who feared that this unity may be used against her.

Maebe:
[attempting to get her parents to notice her] Here are the fake airline tickets. If they don't see this, I really might go to South America.

George Michael:
[notices a flaw] That says, "Portugal".

Maebe:
[oblivious] That's right.

Narrator:
Maeby's parents didn't see the tickets, but her Uncle Gob did.

Gob:
[examines the tickets, thinking they're Michael's] Portugal? Well, gonna live it up in ol' South America, aren't we, Michael?

[George Michael is trying to explain to his uncle why he cannot take off a muscle suit]

George Michael Bluth:
I just can't take it off. You'll never understand.

Tobias F?nke:
...I'll never understand? That you can never be nude?

[he disrobes, exposing his cut-off jeans] I'll understand more than you'll... never know.

Michael:
My mother is opposed to the idea of hiring a new attorney. She'll probably refuse to enter the room if she sees you.

Wayne Jarvis:
I shall hide behind the couch.

[and he does just that]

Michael:
Guy's a pro.

Lucille:
You idiots! If your father sees me here with Wayne...

Michael:
...we'll be stuck with Barry!

Wayne Jarvis:
I shall duck behind that little garbage car.

[and does just that]

Michael:
Guy's a pro.

Michael:
There's a big bowl of candy in my office, why don't you go eat it?

[Lucille enters and while the door is closing]

Wayne Jarvis:
Wayne Jarvis, attorney at law. I have a responsibility to tell you that there is *no* candy in this office.

Michael:
Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
[to his secretary] I'm not here!

Barry's Secretary:
Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?

Michael:
Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, *and* I'm not paying for this phone call!

Barry Zuckerkorn:
I am not a girl, you...

Barry's Secretary:
[pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.

Gob:
[chasing after Michael] Michael, I'm on to you! The Spanish lessons! If you're headed for Portugal, it's due south!

Michael:
What? No it isn't!

Lucille:
You idiots. If he sees me with Wayne...

Michael:
...we'll be stuck with Barry.

Wayne Jarvis:
I shall duck behind that little garbage car. [Wayne goes to hide]

Michael:
Guy's a pro.

Gob:
Michael, you have a chance to save this family. Please, do the right thing here - string this blind girl along so that Dad doesn't have to pay his debt to society.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
The solution to all our problems is staring you in the face and it can't even see you!

Lindsay Funke:
[about the Ten Commandments] I don't know... give 'em to a school.

Michael Bluth:
I don't want anymore of my family members having run-in's with the law. The Ten Commandments stay.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
So now you loooove the Ten Commandments.

Gob:
Oh, now you love the ten commandments, yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father, and honor no one above him, unless it be-eth me, thy sweet Lord."

Michael:
I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.

Veterinarian:
Justice is fine.

Michael Bluth:
Great.

Veterinarian:
Although, dressing him up like a seeing eye dog seems a bit cruel.

Michael Bluth:
Cruel?

Veterinarian:
Well, yeah because he can't see.

Michael Bluth:
What are you talking about?

Veterinarian:
Mr. Bluth, Justice is blind.

Lindsay Funke:
You know, we're not the only ones destroying trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist, why don't you go club a few beavers?

Johnny Bark:
You don't really get nature, do you?

Narrator:
Gob was planning his escape from prison.

Gob:
[peering into the cell block] Is there a private bathroom nearby?

George Sr.:
[addresses the cell latrine] You're looking at it.

Gob:
No, no, no. I can't use that. I need privacy. Yeah, I've always been that way. I can't go without privacy.

[sees that his dad is serious]

Gob:
No, I can't pass this key without privacy!

George Sr.:
Well, I could ask the guys to leave, but, uh, you know they've been locking the doors lately.

[goes back to reading]

Gob:
[defeated] I've made a huge mistake.

White Power Bill:
[Stabbing Gob] White power!

Gob:
I'm white!

[Gob is planning to break out of a prison for publicity]

Warden:
You really think you can break out of my prison?

Gob:
You won't even know I was here.

Narrator:
The warden was intrigued, less about the stunt and more about the prison beatings that this brash magician was sure to receive.

Gob:
[while on Spanish-language television] I, too, have an announcement to make. To prove my worthiness into the Alliance, I will incarcerate myself in the same prison that holds my own father, only to escape 24 hours later! No shackles can hold these hands!

[to Marta]

Gob:
Say that to them in Spanish.

Michael:
[to GOB] I keep saying "What's more important than family"?

Lucille:
MICHAEL!

Michael:
It's mom, hide!

Narrator:
Michael was enjoying his time with Marta, and Lindsay was bonding with the man in the tree.

Johnny Bark:
You have no idea what it's like to save a living thing!

Lindsay Funke:
For your information, I do! Tobias and I used to be huge advocates for change. I guess that's why I was so attracted to him. He used to believe in things. We both did.

Johnny Bark:
Where is he now?

Lindsay Funke:
[sighs] He's at a weekend stage-fighting workshop with Carl Weathers.

Michael:
Lindsay, you have to cut back on everything, okay? I'm even selling the corporate jet.

Lindsay Funke:
Great. So now we don't have a car or a jet? Why don't we just take an ad out in I'm Poor Magazine?

Michael:
Look, I'm trying to get developments started, all right? I've got six guys on bulldozers waiting to get underway.

Lindsay Funke:
Bulldozing?

Michael:
Yup.

Lindsay Funke:
Well, what about the trees?

Michael:
Oh, we're just gonna cover them with blankets. I'm ripping them out.

Michael:
Anything for a buck, right? You are so materialistic.

Lindsay Funke:
Don't suddenly turn this into one of your causes.

Michael:
It's not suddenly, Michael. I've always been deeply passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?

Lindsay Funke:
I'll never forget your wedding.

Lindsay Funke:
I care deeply for nature.

Michael:
You're wearing ostrich skin boots.

Lindsay Funke:
Well, I don't care about ostriches.

Buster:
[describing Lucille 2 as he saw her without his glasses] I know she's a brownish area... with points.

Michael Bluth:
Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?

George Sr.:
First time!

Michael Bluth:
I've never heard of a second.

George Sr.:
I got the worst [bleep]-ing attorneys.

George Michael Bluth:
[Michael wants to leave his family] I like the family. I mean, if we leave, who's gonna take care of these people?

Michael:
I don't know. The state or the police. Maybe the Magician's Alliance will pick up some slack.

Narrator:
And that's when the family realized that George Sr. wasn't dead, but was fleeing the country that he loved so very much.

Gob:
Nothing works in this house.

Michael:
Tell me about it.

Lindsay Funke:
Is that a shot at me?

Gob:
Probably.

Lindsay Funke:
Because for your information, I got a job.

Michael:
Really? What kind of job?

Lindsay Funke:
Beads.

Gob:
Bees?

Lindsay Funke:
Beads.

Gob:
Beads?

Michael:
Gob's not on board.

Michael Bluth:
Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family.

Lucille Bluth:
And a lot of love.

Michael Bluth:
More lies.

Gob:
Zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. I'm sick of playing second fiddle. I'm always third in line for everything. I'm tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.

Michael:
You want to be in charge?

Gob:
Yeah.

Michael:
You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can't trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?

Gob:
What kind of vacation time does it offer?

[upon seeing GOB's banana stand 'mascots']

George Michael:
Are those strippers?

Michael:
If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.

Gob:
Attention Everyone. Why go to a banana stand when we can make your banana stand? I give you Barbara and Dee. [Two cheap looking, barely dressed women walk out]

Gob:
Don't worry, these young beauties have been nowhere near the bananas.

George Michael Bluth:
It will just escalate like this back and fourth all day.

Narrator:
And it did just that. But the footage it produced was less compelling than you might think, and was not funny no matter what music was put behind it. It was kind of funny to "Yellow Submarine" but who could afford it?

Narrator:
GOB had just opened up a new banana stand like 20 feet from the old banana stand.

Michael:
Oh yeah? Me and my banana stand are going to kick your banana stands ass!

George Michael:
It's just going to to back and fourth all day.

Narrator:
And it did just that. [shows a series of photos showing what happened] But the footage it produced was less entertaining than you might imagine, no matter what music was put behind it. It was kind of funny to "Yellow Submarine", but who could afford it?

Lindsay Bluth F?nke:
You two have always fought. I think I have a video tape of that.

Michael:
You and half of Orange County.

Narrator:
As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight one another. He believed it created a competitive spirit. He also thought tapes of the footage would be a big hit in the burgeoning home video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2". "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70."

Michael:
Oh my god, they just shot off Buster's good arm.

Byron "Buster" Bluth:
And that's why you dont use a one-armed person to scare someone!

George Bluth Sr.:
I certainly didn't teach Buster how to compete, and look at how he turned out!

Byron "Buster" Bluth:
I think Mother is raising me just fine.

George Bluth Sr.:
I used my contacts to get you a job and you quit!

Narrator:
The job was at an Iraqi-owned toy store who wanted to use Buster to deter shoplifters.

George Sr.:
[while Michael and GOB are teaching his father an elaborate lesson] Please don't hurt me!

Narrator:
But the mistreated painters were actually looking forward to that part.

Buster:
[Lucille has just had a face lift] The doctor said, "No kissing her on the face for one week." I was like, "Make it two weeks, see if I care!"

Michael:
Are you just trying to get us at each other's throats like you did with the Boyfights videos?

Mexican Painter #1:
Boyfights! Luchos de muchachos!

Mexican Painter #2:
Si! Luchos de muchachos!

Mexican Painter #3:
I have this video!

Narrator:
Boyfights were a big hit in Latin America.

Steve Holt:
[after GOB opens a new frozen banana stand] We don't even really know the recipe.

George Michael Bluth:
There's no recipe. You just freeze a banana and stick it in the...

Michael:
[quickly interrupting] Don't tell them!

Steve Holt:
Stick it in the what? Stick it in the what?!

Michael:
I love you all, Marta.

Narrator:
The family continued to chant "Speech, speech, speech..." for no one in particular.

Lucille:
They're not gonna let you in at the country club with that.

Buster:
[as Franklin, the puppet] I don't want no part of yo' tight-ass country club, ya freak b*tch!

George Sr.:
Soak the puppet's mouth with ether, and have Franklin give Lucille a kiss to knock her out.

Gob:
[as Franklin] I ain't kissin' that ol' b*tch!

George Sr.:
[starts to choke Franklin] That's my wife, you bastard!

Gob:
Dad, that's my wrist!

George Sr.:
[chokes Gob]

Gob:
[as Franklin] Hey, that's his neck!

Gob:
[about Ann] Plus, that one is religious. It gets pregnant, it stays pregnant. I know, I dated a chick like that once in high school. Wait... no, I didn't.

Mario:
Boy, you get a lot of mail from that movie studio.

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
I write a lot of letters to movie stars.

Mario:
You seem a little old for that.

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
Babysit me!

Lindsay Bluth F?nke:
You do realize that's Tobias, right?

Lucille:
If he's going to get in my closet, he's got to work for it.

Gob:
Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.

Michael Bluth:
G.O.B., weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?

Gob:
He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

George-Michael Bluth:
Gangy's having an anniversary party?

Michael Bluth:
Seems that way.

George-Michael Bluth:
Is Franklin gonna be there?

Gob:
See that, Mike. Kids love Franklin.

George-Michael Bluth:
I just don't want him to point out my cracker ass in front of Ann.

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
Who's the hottie?

Michael Bluth:
This is Ann's mother.

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
Her? Does she look old enough to play Topher Grace's mom?

Michael:
[to Lucille and GOB] Gee, I don't know what's more offensive - the fact that you didn't tell us about our grandmother's death or the fact that you sunk a $700,000 yacht!

Gob:
I had $900,000 worth of insurance put on it.

Gob:
And as for Kitty, I think you're crazy to have fired her. Who knows what kind of information she has?

[flashback to after Gob and Kitty have sex]

Gob:
He's my brother and he's never even said, "Good job. " I just want him to love me, you know?

Kitty:
Wow, you get really girly after, huh?

Gob:
[Back in the present] Yeah, she definitely knows way too much.

Narrator:
As Gob was forced to send away someone he loved, George Sr. was forced to visit someone he had once tried to shove out of a moving car.

Michael Bluth:
[after Kitty flashes Michael] That's the 7th nipple I've seen today.

George Michael Bluth:
[discussing GOB's plans to make the yacht disappear] Yeah, but if the trick worked, wouldn't everyone see me just standing there?

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement is.

Gob:
I did it! I sunk the yacht!

Michael Bluth:
You what?

Gob:
I sunk it!

Michael Bluth:
You sunk a $700,000 yacht?

Gob:
With $900,000 of insurance on it. Besides I disposed of all the evidence.

George Michael Bluth:
[George Michael answers phone] Hello, Bluth Company.

George Michael Bluth:
Talk you off what, PopPop?

George Bluth Sr.:
Oh, George Michael! I thought you were - when's that voice gonna drop? Put Kitty on the phone.

Narrator:
[about the Motherboy dance] Motherboy was also the name of a heavy metal band that used to rock pretty hard during the '70s. We are legally obligated to make this distinction.

Lucille:
You know I always get this way around Motherboy.

Michael:
Oh, God, it's Motherboy time already?

Lucille:
Normally, I'd go with Buster but he doesnt want to go. But with you, I think I've got a shot.

Michael:
Buster for the first time ever, doesnt want to do this?

Narrator:
[voice over] Motherboy was the name of an annual dance promoting mother-son bonding. Lucille has gone with Buster over 30 times, and on many occasions, won cutest couple. But as one entered sexual maturity and the other one left it, it became increasingly difficult.

Lucille:
[Buster and Lucille are getting their picture taken] I'm so hot.

Buster:
If you were hot, mother, we would win!

Lindsay Funke:
Oh, God. Not that "I'm in love with my mother" dance thing. I'm so glad there wasn't one of those for Daddys and Daughters.

Lucille:
Of course they have father-daughter dances.

Lindsay Funke:
They do? He never took me?

Lucille:
It was before we did your nose.

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias...

Lindsay Funke:
Oh my god, I'm sorry, I walked into the wrong trailer!

Dave Attell:
Wow, the service sent you over quick.

Narrator:
...But not the one she's married to.

Lindsay Funke:
[he quickly disrobes] You don't cry when you take those off?

Narrator:
Having finally had sex, GOB can admit that he never consummated his marriage.

George "Gob" Bluth II:
Your Honor, we never consummated this marriage.

Wife of Gob:
Judge, maybe you should take a look at this, which was taken in your office just moments ago.

[She hands the judge a picture, and GOB is seen shirtless with the shirt over his head]

Narrator:
Then GOB catches a lucky break.

Judge Lionel Ping:
There's no way to tell who this man is.

Narrator:
But it doesn't last long.

George "Gob" Bluth II:
Oh that's me, your honor, I f***ed my wife.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Oh, we've really lost this case.

Narrator:
And Maeby impresses some kids at the Promise Land with her one scary campfire story.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Knock, scrape. The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call!

[Buster enters the clearing while holding up his hook]

Buster:
Hey, campers. [the kids all scream and run away]

Buster:
I'm a monster!

Michael:
This may have been a step backward.

Michael:
Buster, you cant zip-line over there!

Buster:
Either I zip down or he zips up! And that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit! You have to get on your knees to start it!

Michael:
This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster!

Carl Weathers:
[at Burger King] I'm going to go get a refill. You know you can get a refill on any drink you want?

Tobias F?nke:
It's a great restaurant!

Narrator:
It sure is!

Lucille:
[at the hotel where Motherboy is taking place] Oh f*** me! Exact same costumes. We'll get a room so we can change.

Narrator:
George Michael should have realized by the sailor suits Lucille dressed him in that he was not going north to the Promised Land. No, he was going south. South, to Motherboy.

Buster:
[holding up a trophy] And I finally feel good about myself. "Saddest".

Michael:
And I saw those people, that was a very competitive category.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
So what is this camping trip?

George Michael Bluth:
It's called "the Promised Land", you're supposed to make promises about your relationships in accordance with the generations that proceeded you.

George Michael Bluth:
[picking up a cup] Hey, there's booze in this.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
That's the promised land that Ann's taking you to? You're going to need this more than Polly here.

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias.

Dave Attell:
[Lindsay accidentally wanders into Dave Attell's dressing room] Wow, the service sent you over quick. [he quickly disrobes]

Narrator:
But not the one she's married to.

Lindsay Funke:
You don't cry when you take those off?

Tobias F?nke:
What are you doing up here?

George Bluth Sr.:
[he shoves Tobias against the wall with his hand covering Tobias's mouth] I'm having a f***ing tea party, what does it look like? I live here and if you tell anybody, you are dead.

Narrator:
Tobias saw the raw power of George Sr.

George Bluth Sr.:
Ah, stop licking my hand, you horse's ass!

Michael:
[Michael catches George-Michael and Maebe in the attic] What are you kids doing up here?

George Michael Bluth:
Looking for the camping stuff. Where do we keep the mattress pumps?

Michael:
I had to take all pumps out of here a long time ago.

Buster:
My army training is telling me that this is a hot mission.

Michael:
Hot mission! We're on a hot mission!

Buster:
Maybe we should call it "Operation: Hot Mother."

Michael:
No, no, let's try to top that.

Narrator:
They never did, and later, Operation: Hot Mother was under way.

Michael:
I think it's getting too risky keeping you up here.

George Bluth Sr.:
You know what's risky? Lettin' your son go on that church thing.

Michael:
Her name's Ann, Dad, and he's not "going" on her, okay?

Michael:
They're just friends.

George Bluth Sr.:
Not for long.

Dave Attell:
[discussing Tobias with Carl Weathers] Whoa, this guy's straight?

[holds up a pair of Tobias' cut-offs]

Dave Attell:
Then, what am I wearing these for?

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, George Sr. almost comes face-to-face with the real mole.

[while sneaking through a crawlspace, George spots a mole and runs off screaming]

Narrator:
No, not that one.

[the camera pans to the right]

Narrator:
Wait for it.

[We see Annyong]

Narrator:
There.

Annyong Bluth:
Annyong.

Byron "Buster" Bluth:
If mother sees this, she will blow a cow!

Narrator:
[after Tobias's gym buddy reveals he is a government agent] He said "CIA", a government agency responsible for this catstrophe [shows a "Bay Of Pigs" map] . But what Tobias thought the man said was "CAA", a talent agency responsible for this catastrophe. [shows the poster for "Love, Indubitably"]

Michael:
What's a Surrogate doing here?

Larry:
We're meeting with the lawyers.

George Sr.:
So I hired this guy to be my eyes and ears.

Michael:
You know, dad, this guy costs us a fortune.

Larry:
He's worth every penny.

George Sr.:
Hey, I didn't say that.

Buster:
Oh, I've had the time of my life.

Lucille:
He's being sarcastic, GOB.

Buster:
No, I'm not, mother. I mean, lover.

Larry:
I like making love to mother.

Buster:
I mean lover!

Gob:
What do you think, dad... a whole... tiny town?

Larry:
Another brilliant idea, Einstein!

Gob:
Really? You'll build it with me?

George Sr.:
Larry never really knows how to sell the sarcasm.

Tobias F?nke:
Check 2,3. Let Lily lick Lionels' lusty leathers.

Lucille:
If it's an idiot on a scooter in the middle of the night, it must be Gob.

Gob:
I was halfway to South America, but I couldn't let you get away with it, because we're brothers, Mom, and we kind of like each other.

Michael Bluth:
You were going to South America?

Gob:
I don't think so.

Michael Bluth:
Fine, we'll have a party

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
For Gangey?

Michael Bluth:
Yeah, how'd you know?

George Michael Bluth:
She called and invited us.

Lindsay Funke:
[to Michael] Okay, maybe it was her idea.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
We don't have to come, do we?

Michael Bluth:
Come on, this is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.

Lindsay Funke:
Michael, you cant expect mom to drive. She's the world's worst driver.

Narrator:
Lindsay was not exaggerating. Lucille had recently been featured on a Fox special "World's Worst Drivers".

Usher:
Sir, we will not be starting with "Less Cousins Dangeroozies" until you leave.

Lucille Austero:
I'm sorry, I was under the impression my AARP card was good for one and a date.

Byron "Buster" Bluth:
I knew society wouldn't accept this. And they never will. [Buster bolts for the curtains, not realizing there's a cinder block wall behind it. He collides and collapses]

Lucille Austero:
Buster... Buster...

Usher:
We just need the three extra bucks.

Lucille:
Buster, what happened to your head?

Buster:
Nothing. Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer

Maebe:
So, you killed Kitty, huh?

Michael:
No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.

[whoops and hollers heard from the conference room]

Michael:
And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?

Maebe:
Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?

Detective Fallows:
Are you willing to take a polygraph?

Barry Zuckerkorn:
[Michael refers to his lawyer for advice, who whispers rather loudly] Are you nuts?

Michael:
[to the detective] Not without a better lawyer.

George Michael:
Say what you want about America - thirteen bucks can still get you a hell of a lot of mice!

Gob:
Who said anything bad about America?

George Michael Bluth:
Three guys hanging out together... what could be more butch than that?

[Barry has a hooker with him during "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"]

Michael:
I didn't know you had a daughter.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
I don't.

Charlotte:
I thought you wanted me to call you Daddy.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Why don't you wait for Daddy in the car?

Narrator:
As a psychotherapist, Tobias was on the forefront of the self-esteem movement.

Patient:
I keep getting this longing. This urge... does that make me a...

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
[interrupting] Homosexual...

Tobias F?nke:
Maebe, please. Although she's probably right though, you probably are a homosexual.

George Michael:
I guess there are just some things you can't talk to your dad about, like... were you ever confused about women?

Gob:
...You mean, if there were three of us, and I didn't know where to start? No, I think I did pretty good...

Tobias F?nke:
[after the Girls With Low Self Esteem video only shows the parts of GOB's magic act where he screws up] Douche chillllllllll...

Buster:
Hey, possible nephew.

Bob Loblaw:
Why don't you volunteer for something?

Larry:
I'll do anything to get out of this f***ing apartment.

Lucille:
You'll do anything to get out of f***ing in this apartment.

Larry:
Ah, you're drunk.

Narrator:
Michael and his son had never made a good athletic team. The only thing that George Michael was good at was hanging motion-less from the monkey bars, which the President's Council On Fitness ranks as "slightly easier than the slide".

Narrator:
There were actually two "Startled Straight" tents, but George Sr. had accidentally wandered into the church sponsored one, determined to steer homosexual men into a more heterosexual lifestyle.

George Bluth Sr.:
You want to have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night, start messing with your junk?

Gay Guy:
Is he ugly?

George Bluth Sr.:
You can't see anything. It's pitch black. And it NEVER STOPS, guys! And everybody acts like it's no big deal.

Gay Guy:
Is there a cover charge?

Narrator:
And George Sr. had managed to startle nobody but himself.

George Bluth Sr.:
There's nothing to do there all day but lift weights, fold laundry... and get thrown into a cage with a bunch of sweaty men. Oh god, I cant go back. Cant go back!

[he leaves]

Gay Guy:
I'm glad he wont be there. He's ugly.

Tobias F?nke:
So Ann, the question is, do you want a man or a boy? I know how I would answer.

Narrator:
Meanwhile, at the Church And State Fair, Maeby was signing up for the inner beauty pagaent.

George-Michael Bluth:
So why are you doing this, Maeby?

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
It's Shirley. I'm just here to show that all these pagaents care about is looks.

George-Michael Bluth:
What's with your nose?

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
Isn't it cool? It's the same one Nicole Kidman wore in "The Hours".

Narrator:
It had been purchased for her by Jamie Kennedy who was hoping to land a part in Maeby's film.

Jamie Kennedy:
Ten thousand dollars!

Mae "Maeby" F?nke:
You're such a dear, but I'm not putting you in my remake. [a giant green "X" appears on Jamie Kennedy]

Rita:
Oh Michael, you're such a (bleep).

Narrator:
I cant believe we had to bleep that out. That would have been such a nice moment.

Michael:
Oh that's a tough race.

Steve Holt:
Only for a wimp, a wuss, a p*ssy.

Narrator:
And Steve didn't mean "p*ssy cat".

Michael:
Are those pills?

Steve Holt:
I got them from Coach. They're filled with oxygen and it makes you incontinent. It's called "Oxy Incontin".

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, Buster signs Steve Holt up for the Army.

George "Gob" Bluth II:
No, you can't, you can't! I'm finally ready to be a father to you. I know that now.

Steve Holt:
I don't go in for another two years.

George "Gob" Bluth II:
Well, as your father, can I sign something? [a giant green "X" appears on GOB]

Narrator:
And George Sr. finds out that a fake Popemobile... cant stop real bullets.

Hope Loblaw:
[singing] The Lord has a place / but my body wants to go all / state on / state on / state on you.

Tobias F?nke:
He might be afraid of sex, but you're not.

George Michael Bluth:
I'm not afraid of sex.

Tobias F?nke:
Well, OK, have sex with this girl. Right now. Get in there, have some sex with here. [George Michael hesitates] I thought so.

Lindsay Funke:
Maybe if I can get Hope this crown, her father might just want to crown me, if you catch my drift.

Michael:
I'm guessing "have sex", but that would be meeting you more than half way.

Michael:
I'm not going to lie to your son.

George "Gob" Bluth II:
Oh, come on! I lie to yours all the time.

Gob:
First place chick is hot but has an attitude: doesn't "date" magicians. Second place is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl... or a geologist.

Tobias F?nke:
You know, Mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial, that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.

Lucille:
You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.

Tobias F?nke:
Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her. [leaves room]

Ann Veal:
Quite a lot of sins for a Sunday afternoon, don't you think?

Lucille:
I don't care if I ever eat again.

Ann Veal:
You know, when times are tough, you can always turn to the power of prayer.

Maeby F?nke:
Here we go.

Lucille:
Show me.

Michael:
[after confronting his son about marijuana] He's lying to me! I don't believe it! Where the hell is this family's morality?

Gob:
[lets out a puff of marijuana smoke] I don't know. Oh, it's... cold out.

Michael:
You taught me a lesson about not teaching lessons?

George Sr.:
That was my last lesson.

Michael:
[after strippers dressed as cops have taken off their uniforms] You knew all along, didn't you?

George Michael:
Sorta. One of the hot cops was my choir teacher.

Michael:
[about George Michael's test] A-?

George Michael:
Are you proud of me?

Michael:
Very proud... minus.

Michael:
Well, it's not like you made a commitment to her or anything.

Buster:
No, not a commitment... but I did refer to it as "our nausea, " but that was when we were going at it pretty hot and heavy.

Michael:
Well, now it's my nausea.

Michael:
Your Uncle Gob seems to think that he saw you down at the docks today. Was that you?

George Michael:
No. No. Maybe it was the other George Michael. You know, the singer-songwriter.

Michael:
Yeah, that makes sense.

George Michael:
[Arguing with his math book] Dumb, dumb George Michael, dumb...

Michael:
Hey, calm down there, you two; it's just a math problem.

George Michael:
Yeah, but if I fail math then there goes my chances to get a good job and have a happy life full of hard work, like you always say, right Dad?

Michael:
[to George Michael] I want you to take the rest of the day off. Here's 20 bucks, buy something you don't need, be a kid, make mistakes, get in trouble.

Buster:
Yes, make a mistake. Take 225 from me.

[Michael wants to teach his son a lesson like the ones his father used to teach him]

Michael Bluth:
I need the guy with the fake arm, J. Walter Weatherman.

George Bluth, Sr.:
Oh, he's dead. You killed him when you left the door open with the air conditioning on.

Michael:
[referring to George Michael smoking pot] All I know is that this has been going on forever. His eyes are red, his grades are slipping.

Gob:
I heard about the A minus.

George Michael Bluth:
...It was for me. I was going to smoke the marijuana like a cigarette.

[Complaining about a gay boat protest upstaging her husband's retirement party]

Lucille Bluth:
Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire.

Tobias F?nke:
[auditioning] Hello, my name is Dr. Tobias Funke. I graduated with honors from Boston College and I did my post-graduate in psycho-linguistics at MIT. And this is "You're A Bad, Bad, Man" from "Annie Get Your Gun."

Lindsay Funke:
Mother, not all homosexuals are flamboyant... and... oh my god, I have the exact same blouse!

Lucille Bluth:
I like it better on him.

[after being put in charge, Buster passes out at his first board meeting]

Lucille Bluth:
We need Michael.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
[holding a glass] We need ice.

[two paramedics pick up a stretcher with Buster on it]

Byron "Buster" Bluth:
Michael. We need Michael.

Michael Bluth:
[after George Sr. has been handed a jail sentence] They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out.

[silence amongst the family]

Michael Bluth:
Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...

[everyone gasps]

Michael Bluth:
...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."

Lindsay Funke:
You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.

Lucille Bluth:
And I'm putting Buster in charge.

Michael Bluth:
Buster? You mean, the one who thought the blue on the map was land?

Michael Bluth:
So this is the magic trick, huh?

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money...

[sees children watching his magic]

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
...or cocaine!

Lucille Bluth:
Look what they've done, Michael! Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Michael Bluth:
You can't just comb that out and reset it?

Michael Bluth:
What have we always said is the most important thing?

George Michael Bluth:
Breakfast

Michael Bluth:
Family

George Michael Bluth:
Oh, right. Family. I thought you meant of the things you eat.

[Gob is being interviewed for an office job]

Interviewer:
It was really only your brother we were interested in. I mean, you don't even have any references.

[Gob performs a magic trick involving a small explosion and ending with a dove spontaneously appearing]

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
Is that enough of a reference for you?

[the dove lands on interviewer's head]

Interviewer:
Even a letter of recommendation? Something like that.

Gob:
You know, I sorta thought my contribution... could be a magic show!

Michael:
Hey, that's great! That's perfect, Gob! Oh, wait, I just remembered, Dad's retiring, not turning six.

[George Michael meets Maebe for the first time]

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
Excuse me. I bought one of your frozen bananas and when I bit into it, I found this!

[she shows him the foot she cut off of Lucille's fox wrap]

George Michael Bluth:
That looks like a foot.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
It tasted like a foot! Which I really didn't mind except I believe I asked for no nuts.

father:
It's come down to the two of ya, and... I'll be honest. I'm just more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician.

Gob:
[sulks] Well... give 'em a helluva show, champ!

teenage magician:
[bleep] off, traitor.

Narrator:
Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest. So he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.

Michael:
I quit.

George Sr.:
Probably a good career move.

Narrator:
Then, Tobias, mistaking a group of garishly-clad men for pirates, boarded a van filled with homosexuals.

Captain:
How are you?

Gob:
Incredible. I'm having an incredible year. [High Fives the Captain]

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth:
Are those police boats?

George Michael Bluth:
Well I'd rather live like this than be like my aunts and uncles whose eyes have never stung from the sweet sweat of a hard days work.

Michael:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you getting all that?

George Michael Bluth:
From you, you say it every couple of years when they come out to visit.

Michael:
Well you're right, they are spoiled.

George Michael Bluth:
Uncle Gob? Uncle Gob?

Gob:
Give me a dollar, no! the twenty. This is gonna blow your mind. Some say wealth is an illusion, well let's just see. For one moment it's here and the next... Monopoly. You don't have it do you?

George Michael Bluth:
I think I might.

Gob:
Thats good cause alot of the pieces are missing. Ah, to play monopoly with my family again. I'd give anything to be eight.

George Michael Bluth:
I'm thirteen.

Gob:
Nah, I wasn't crazy about thirteen. The acne, the self-consciousness, the erections. You okay?

George Michael Bluth:
Yeah, I'm good

Gob:
Hey! there's the man I came to see.

George Michael Bluth:
Uh, Uncle Gob where's the twenty?

Gob:
Hey! a magician never reveals his secrets, that's what I started the whole alliance about.

George Michael Bluth:
I don't need the secret I just need the...

Gob:
What you need to know... [dramatic pause] Is that it's magic.

George Michael Bluth:
Wow... It's so much like stealing.

Narrator:
On the next "Arrested Development", Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of prison.

Michael:
You LOVE IT here?

George Sr.:
I'm having the time of my life! Hey, T-Bone. [high-fives another prisoner]

Michael:
[as Michael is giving the lecture, Buster's drum playing gets louder] But starting tomorrow there is going to be a new boss in town. You are all going to feel the effects as... BUSTER! [Buster stops playing] You cant do that on the balcony, buddy?

George Michael Bluth:
Ten cents gets ya nuts.

[Repeated Line]

George Sr.:
I have the worst f***ing attorneys.

[GOB tells Michael he's bought a boat called "The Seaward"; Lucille is just arriving]

Michael Bluth:
Get rid of the Seaward.

Lucille Bluth:
I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

[first lines]

Narrator:
This is Michael Bluth. For ten years, he's worked for his father's company waiting to be made a partner. And right now, he's happy.

[we've been introduced to the rest of the Bluth family]

Narrator:
So, why is Michael so happy? Because he's decided to never speak to these people again.

George Sr.:
It's the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Byron "Buster" Bluth:
They have boats?

Tobias F?nke:
Somebody is a Rude Gus. That's all.

George Sr.:
[explaining why he left the company to Lucille] They cannot arrested a husband and wife for the same crime.

Michael:
Yeah, I don't think that that's true, Dad.

George Sr.:
Really?

Michael:
[nods]

George Sr.:
[whispering] I got the worst f***ing attorneys.

Tobias F?nke:
Don't leave your Uncle T-bag hanging!

Michael:
We dont want to relive the TBA debacle.

Narrator:
Years earlier, the Bluth's held their first fundraiser, but the family had a hard time agreeing on a cause.

George Sr.:
[reading the slips] "Neckflap". "Ovarian Cancer". Gee, I wonder who that was? "Shrinkage". Somebody saw Seinfeld last night! Another one for "Neckflap".

Narrator:
So they sent out invitations with the disease still to be announced. To their surprise, the Bluth's wound up raising over $25,000 dollars for TBA. Then, and here's the really horrible part, they did it again the following year.

Gob:
[footage of George Michael's Star Wars Kid] Keep fighting, little guy! Soon, we'll rid the world of T.B.A.!

Michael:
When they found out, we almost had a riot on our hands.

Michael:
[after finding out that the prison warden plans to sleep with Lucille] Who's the "I" in that sentence?

Lucille:
ME!

Michael:
You?

Narrator:
Her.

Narrator:
Buster had brought home a turtle in an incredibly misguided attempt to distance himself from his mother.

Buster:
You can stay in this box of grass that Uncle Father Oscar left behind.

Narrator:
Actually, that was a box of Oscar's legally obtained medical marijuana. Primo bud. Real sticky weed.

Narrator:
Oscar was longing for his sweet freedom.

Oscar:
[to Buster] Do you have any Sweet Freedom or any of the Hawaiian blends?

[Oscar climbs into the cage and is rendered unconscious when the hatch hits him in the head]

Narrator:
It wasn't the first time Oscar had been knocked out by a heavy lid.

[Gob hosts a video on Graft-Vs-Host disease]

Gob:
Graft-Vs-Host. When you hear about it, it sounds like a match up between tennis great Steffi Graf and "Happy Days" star Donny Host.

Narrator:
It's MOST.

Michael Bluth:
[Michael and GOB are trying to break into the prison] If only we had a map.

Gob:
[rips off his shirt revealing a map] Like this? I drew it upside down.

Michael Bluth:
This is going to be awkward.

Narrator:
It was awkward.

Prison guard:
[Michael is awkwardly positioned over GOB] Hey guys, if you want to party, maybe you should take it inside?

Gob:
That was a freebie.

Michael Bluth:
I'll just stay here and read, then.

Narrator:
This too proved challenging as the Bluth family had no books. [Michael opens up a box with copies of "The Man Inside Me"] Except for those. And that's when Michael got a glimpse of the warden's true intentions with his mother.

Michael Bluth:
[after reading the screenplay] I wish I had read "The Man Inside Me".

Michael:
Can't a guy call his mother pretty without making it seem strange?

Buster:
Yeah, and how about that little tail on her? Cute!

Michael:
I've opened a door here that I regret.

George Sr.:
What do I care? I've got a great wife, a wonderful hobby... I'm having the time of my life!

Narrator:
His hobby was making papier mache copies of his own head.

George Michael Bluth:
Because anything can happen when two people share a cell, 'cos.

George Michael Bluth:
[Maebe stares at him] It's a line from the Warden's screenplay.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke:
What? Oh, OH! I don't know what I was worried about.

Narrator:
And that would be the happiest moment George-Michael would ever experience in his entire life.

Narrator:
On the next Arrested Development, George-Michael experiences his unhappiest moment ever.

George Michael Bluth:
Where's Maebe?

Tobias F?nke:
She's in the next cell. Looks like we're going to be spending the night, cos! [a giant green X appears on George-Michael]

Jessie Bowers:
[to George Michael] Daddy lost his shot at happy, and it's all your fault, Opie.

Narrator:
Jessie had gone too far, and she had best watch her mouth.

Tobias F?nke:
[reading a script with terrible acting] "I don't know what you heard about me, but I'm a different kind of cop. I'm from the streets, and I'm the last cop you'll ever want to mess with in a darkened al - dark alley [drops the act] Oh, you know, maybe my wife is right. I'm not cut out to be a DeNiro, or a Regis, or a Pinkett-Smith. I shou...

Carl Weathers:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tobias, listen to me. Dreams are worth fighting for. Now, are you gonna be an actor, or are you gonna be a doctor?

Tobias F?nke:
You're right, Carl Weathers! I should just march into that restaurant where my wife works and...

Carl Weathers:
Whoa, your wife works in a restaurant? Do they get free shift meals or a discount on select menu items?

Tobias F?nke:
Uh, I don't know.

Carl Weathers:
Well, let's find out, man!

Jessie Bowers:
[George Sr. has just become a devout Jew] Your father is religious now?

Michael:
Yeah.

Jessie Bowers:
We'll play that up, it's very sympathetic.

Lucille:
Yeah, who doesn't love the Jews?

Man at Bar:
You're married to Carl Weathers? Sh*t!

George Michael Bluth:
You know, I have a job.

Tobias F?nke:
[coughing] Kiss ass... well we were all thinking it.

Buster:
Uh, I'm unclear about what it is exactly you do...

Jessie Bowers:
Excellent question, what a publicist does is...

Buster:
No, no, no I was talking to George Michael. When did you get a job?

George Michael Bluth:
At the banana stand.

Buster:
Oh! Duh! I thought you meant like a plumber or something and I was like 'when did that happen?'

George Bluth Sr.:
[via satellite from prison] Some of my students are arguing the significance of the shank bone on the Seder plate. But we do NOT wag our genitals at one another to make a point!

Michael:
Thought provoking.

George Bluth Sr.:
[via satellite from prison, his teachings have started a riot] Hanukkah can be spelled so many ways, oh GOD!

Lindsay Bluth F?nke:
[reading the article] "Lindsay's a combative, entitled princess"? I should hire someone to kick your ass for that!

Michael:
Save your money.

Lindsay Bluth F?nke:
You're right, I'll do it myself.

Michael:
We're through. I don't want my son reading any more articles in the paper about us.

Jessie Bowers:
Oh your son, stop using him as an excuse for everything you do. I told him that he was getting in the way of your happiness.

Michael:
You said that to my son? You're on your own. Ladies... [a riot breaks out in the restaurant]