As Time Goes By

[repeated line]

Rocky Hardcastle:
Rock on!

Alistair:
See it from my point of view. Even if we do make up some imaginary prob, Judy and Sandy could still try to make me tell them what it is. What if they lock me in a bedroom somewhere and start taking their clothes off? I'd crack; I know I would.

Alistair:
Back to my lonely bachelor existence, I suppose.

Sandy:
Oh no, stay and finish your coffee.

Alistair:
What're you doing?

Sandy:
Taking my jacket off.

Alistair:
Why?

Sandy:
Because I'm hot! Why did you *think* I was taking my jacket off?

Alistair:
It could be a way of getting information out of a guy. [Sandy sighs] Well, it could.

Sandy:
Sometimes, Alistair, you live in a dream world.

Alistair:
[softly] Yes.

[first lines]

Judith:
[getting out of cab in downpour] Run!

Sandy:
Oh. [dashes up onto the stoop]

Judith:
Here. Keep the change. Oh, blast!

Sandy:
What are you doing?

Judith:
I dropped my keys. They must have rolled somewhere, and I can't find them.

Sandy:
Keys can't roll.

Judith:
Coming from someone who's bone dry, that's not a very helpful remark.

Sandy:
Oh, all right. [returns to the pavement] Perhaps they rolled in the gutter.

Judith:
Yeah, well you just said that keys couldn't roll.

Sandy:
Bounced, then. Bounced!

[they are splashed by a passing car]

Sandy:
[yelling] Thanks a lot!

Judith:
There was something inevitable about that, wasn't there?

Judith:
She knows more than she's saying.

Sandy:
Yes. We should be bats, you know. They like being kept in the dark.

Alistair:
I mean, me, Alistair Deacon, running away from two beautiful women! Has the world gone mad?

[last lines]

Judith:
There's nothing that you can't work out between you.

Sandy:
And where better than a quiet hotel in the country? Away from us. Away from any distractions.

Jean:
Well, as I said, it's a very sweet idea...

Lionel:
Thank you, we'll take it,

Jean:
Lionel!

Lionel:
We'll take it!

Jean, Judith, Sandy:
Ooh-oo.

Lionel:
It's my deeply personal problem, and we'll take it.

[first lines]

Judith:
[answering the door] Not today, thank you.

Alistair:
Hey, hey-hey-hey, it's me!

Judith:
Oh, so it is. I'm so sorry, I didn't recognize you. I thought you were a brush salesman.

Alistair:
Wha... Nobody could seriously take me for a brush salesman, now could they?

Judith:
I was just trying my hand at a little gentle sarcasm.

Alistair:
Yes, I know. But a brush salesman? [chuckles]

Alistair:
How would you like to toss a coin into the Trevi Fountain, Rome, Italy tonight?

Judith:
I'd never reach.

Alistair:
No. [laughs] I mean as we stroll past the Trevi Fountain on our way to dinner.

Judith:
You're inviting me to dinner tonight in Rome?

Alistair:
Yeah, and you know what they say: See Rome and dine.

[last lines]

Lionel:
[talking about the letters he wrote to her] I'd quite like to read the rest of those some time.

Jean:
Well, we'll have a good wallow one evening. [she chuckles]

Lionel:
You're on. [he sighs]

Jean:
Why the sigh?

Lionel:
It was less complicated then. It seems such a long time ago now.

Jean:
Yes, it does, doesn't it? Good night.

Lionel:
[long pause] Good night.

[first lines]

Jean:
Lionel.

Lionel:
Yes?

Jean:
I'd like to go out.

Lionel:
What, now?

Jean:
No, not now. More often.

Lionel:
We went out today.

Jean:
That was to the cooker showroom. That doesn't count. I mean to dinner, things like that.

Lionel:
We went out for a curry last week.

Jean:
That wasn't last week, that was a month ago.

Lionel:
Are you sure?

Jean:
Well, five weeks ago to be precise.

Lionel:
As long ago as that?

Jean:
Yes.

Lionel:
The weeks just fly by, don't they?

[last lines]

Lionel:
There it was, all faded in a glass case. A letter from Second Lieutenant Hardcastle to Nurse Jean Pargetter, posted in Korea.

Jean:
But it never arrived. How could it have ended up in the Imperial War Museum?

Lionel:
I haven't the faintest idea.

Jean:
Well, we've got to see it.

Lionel:
No, it's all right. They photocopied it for me.

Jean:
[seeing the copy] Aah!

Lionel:
There. Sorry it's a bit late.

Jean:
[reading] My darling Jean. [long pause as she reads] What's that word?

Lionel:
Uh, miracle.

Jean:
[sighs] If I'd have got that.

Lionel:
No ifs.

Jean:
Oh, it's a beautiful letter, Lionel. You really did love me.

Lionel:
I still do.

[Mike Barbosa enters and hands Jean some flowers]

Mike Barbosa:
Hello again, Jean, good to see you, welcome to Los Angeles, a small token, may I come in?

Jean Mary Pargetter:
Hello, you too, thank you, how kind, please do.

[first lines]

Lionel:
I'm not carrying on. All I said was the bacon was done to a crisp.

Jean:
It was supposed to be. You ordered crispy bacon.

Lionel:
You sure?

Jean:
I heard you.

Lionel:
It was that waitress; she confused me. Asked for fried eggs and she suggested about fifty different ways of frying them. Same with the bacon. As for ordering toast - well, forget it if you're in a hurry. Took her half an hour to tell me how many sorts of toast I could have.

Jean:
[chuckles] You like Los Angeles, then.

Lionel:
If we eat downstairs this evening, we should go down about five o'clock; it'll take two hours to order.

Lionel:
I'm going to have a shower. I'm all... sticky. I, I actually stepped into a tiny little patch of fresh air between the air-conditioned limousine and the air-conditioned hotel.

Jean:
God give me strength.

Lionel:
I heard that!

Jean:
I hope God did.

[last lines]

Lionel:
[about the successful negotiations] There's got to be a snag in all this.

Jean:
Not at all. You're Cy's flavour of the month.

Lionel:
Yeah, but it's the twenty-seventh.

Jean:
Ha. [Jean laughs and hits him on the back of the neck with her purse]

Lionel:
Oh!

Jean:
Sorry, did I hurt you? I was only mucking about.

Lionel:
Oooh! [sits on couch]

Jean:
Oh. Are you all right?

Lionel:
Who are you? I don't know who you are.

Jean:
Think of me as Greer Garson.

[first lines]

Lionel:
I'll do this.

Jean:
I'll do it.

Lionel:
I said *I'll* do it.

Jean:
I said *I'll* do it.

Taxi Driver:
Look, the way I see it is this: you keep arguing while the meter's running, and I'll end up taking both the fivers. [both pull back the money] Not that I'm claiming to be a philanthropist. I would like one. [he takes Lionel's] Thanks very much. [he drives off]

Jean:
OK, you win.

Lionel:
Not really. The fare was only three pounds.

[last lines]

Judith:
What happened to the cold feet?

Jean:
We decided to be adult.

Judith:
Look, my bag's packed; I can go somewhere else.

Lionel:
You do that and our embarrassment factor will go straight through the roof.

Jean:
Look, Judy love, just leave us to make up our own plans, all right?

Judith:
And what will they be?

Lionel:
Well, put it this way: we've already got as far as making sardines on toast.

Lionel:
[about Alistair] He could be taking some other...

Jean:
Other what?

Lionel:
Girl.

Jean:
You were going to say 'bit of stuff'!

Lionel:
No, I wasn't! Anyway, I don't think they call them that these days.

Jean:
Them! Them!

Lionel:
Girls.

Jean:
Did you call me your bit of stuff?

Lionel:
Of course not!

Jean:
What did you call me?

Lionel:
My bit of crackling.

Jean:
What!

Lionel:
But in a very endearing way.

Jean:
You used to call me Pooh.

Lionel:
I know I did, but you can hardly refer to a girl as 'my bit of pooh', can you?

Lionel:
My best advice is to mind your own business.

Jean:
Yes, of course. You're right.

Lionel:
Good.

Jean:
Only I shan't.

Lionel:
Of course not.

[talking about Alistair's fiancee, Mercury]

Jean:
I wonder what this Mercury's like.

Lionel:
I'm not sure I can actually bring myself to call anyone Mercury.

Jean:
It could be worse. She could be called British Telecom.

[last lines]

Lionel:
I thought you gave up a bit quickly after the squeaky armour let you down.

Alistair:
Sorry?

Lionel:
Own up. There never was a Mercury, was there?

Alistair:
Ly. You don't seriously believe that I...

[first lines]

Mrs. Bale:
Now, are you quite certain that you are fit to travel?

Lionel:
Fine. Mrs. Bale. Fully recovered.

Jean:
Thank you for looking after us.

Mrs. Bale:
You were no trouble at all.

Lionel:
Good.

Mrs. Bale:
I didn't mean you.

Sandy:
[about Jean] Did you know she's decided to stay on in an advisory capacity?

Lionel:
No, I didn't.

Sandy:
Mm.

Lionel:
Is that an official way of saying that she can stick her nose in any time she feels like it?

Sandy:
Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that.

Lionel:
Well, how would you put it?

Sandy:
Yes, I'd put it exactly like that.

Sandy:
You know Jean. If Judy were to start going out with the *Pope*, she'd worry.

[last lines]

Jean:
We did have an affair.

Lionel:
What, tonight?

Jean:
No, then!

Lionel:
Well, I rather supposed you did.

Jean:
Oh.

Lionel:
Well, you were a widow, you were young. I wouldn't have expected you to live like a nun.

Jean:
Well, it wasn't a great love or anything.

Lionel:
They don't need to be.

Jean:
They?

Lionel:
Well, you were on your own for a long while.

Jean:
Yes. So were you.

Lionel:
Yes! I think I will have that early night.

Jean:
Lionel?

Lionel:
Good night.

Jean:
Lionel.

[first lines]

Lionel:
[reading instructions] Finally, tighten screw D and your wine-rack is ready for use. Hmh. Not bad, not bad at all.

[Lionel places an empty bottle in the rack and it falls to pieces. Jean smiles]

Lionel:
Don't hold back on my account.

Jean:
I don't know why you get involved with these things; I really don't.

Sandy:
The rugby club dance tomorrow now has a theme.

Jean:
Oh, that sounds fun. What?

Sandy:
St. Trinian's.

Lionel:
St. Trinian's?

Sandy:
Mm.

Jean:
Lionel's eyes glazed over then.

Lionel:
That'd be with the...

Sandy:
Black stockings, yes.

Lionel:
And the...

Sandy:
Well, I suppose so, yes.

Lionel:
By the way, Sandy went as a fourth former; big, baggy gym slip and woolly tights.

Jean:
Oh, good for Sandy. I'm sorry you didn't get to peek at the more traditional costume though.

Lionel:
I wouldn't've looked anyway.

Jean:
You know, you're quite remarkable.

Lionel:
No I'm not. I'm lying. I would've looked.

[first lines]

Lionel:
[to a dog following him] Look, I keep telling you to go home. Go home. [pause] Go. Home.

Judith:
Look, I'm not changing my mind about this embassy do this evening.

Sandy:
No, no, no, it's not that. He asked *me* to go.

Judith:
Oh. Did you say yes?

Sandy:
Not exactly.

Judith:
No?

Sandy:
Not exactly.

Judith:
You're not asking my permission, are you?

Sandy:
Not exactly.

Judith:
Oh, come on, the fresh air might make you a bit more lucid.

Lionel:
I don't know why people talk to dogs like that. [to the dog] You can't understand a word we're saying.

[last lines]

Jean:
Ooh. There's that cat in the garden again.

Lionel:
What cat?

Jean:
I've seen him there several times this week; no collar. Perhaps he's a stray. Do you think he's a stray? Lionel? Lionel?

[first lines]

Stephen:
Thank you.

Penny:
Now, make yourselves comfortable. We won't be a moment.

Jean:
Thanks, Penny.

[Stephen & Penny go into the kitchen]

Lionel:
We can get away pretty quickly now, can't we?

Jean:
You can't just bolt your lunch and go.

Lionel:
No, I suppose not. Why is Penny's gravy always grey?

Jean:
D'you know, I was wondering that.

Lionel:
It tastes all right.

Jean:
Yes, oddly enough it does. It's just not aesthetically pleasing, grey gravy.

Penny:
[re-entering] Here we are then!

[last lines]

Lionel:
I'm having my annual check-up next week.

Jean:
You didn't say.

Lionel:
Well, it got rather overshadowed by events.

Jean:
You're not worried, are you?

Lionel:
No, I'm not worried. But, um, you don't really... look forward to a check-up, do you?

Jean:
No, not as you would a holiday, no. You'll be fine.

Lionel:
Yes, of course I'll be fine. But if there is anything...

Jean:
No, Lionel!

Lionel:
You have to think of these things.

Jean:
No, you don't!

Lionel:
Well, I'll just say this...

Jean:
Oh.

Lionel:
If there is anything wrong... I'd like you to have all my jewellery.

Jean:
Oh! [she starts hitting him with a cushion]

Derek:
Somebody has to do something about the element down here.

Lionel:
*You* are the element down here.

Jean:
No wonder you go around glued together. I'm surprised that any decent people have anything to do with you.

Alan:
You do realize, I suppose, that socially speaking you've burned your bridges.

Lionel:
I've never enjoyed a fire more. We're going now.

Jean:
And just one more thing: if either of you set foot, let alone a tire' on the garden, I'll set the dogs on you.

Alan:
I didn't know you had any dogs.

Jean:
For you we'll get some.

[Jean and Lionel leave]

Alan:
The manners of some people!

[first lines]

Jean:
Don't switch on the light. You'll wake the girls.

Lionel:
All right, but don't turn that one. I can't see a thing now.

Jean:
Just feel for the top stair with your foot.

Lionel:
*You* feel for the top stair with your foot.

Jean:
You're in the way.

Lionel:
All right. Don't push me for goodness' sake. Aargh! [sound of bumping down the stairs]

Jean:
Oh! Lionel!

Lionel:
I'm all right; that was the case.

Jean:
You've woken Judy now.

Lionel:
That could have been me down there, with both legs broken.

[last lines]

Mrs. Bale:
Tea will be served in eleven minutes. I apologize for the delay, but I was telephoning Lol's mother.

Lionel:
Mrs Bale!

Mrs. Bale:
Just local gossip.

Lionel:
The word is out, isn't it.

Jean:
And I don't think the gang are going to be very popular with Lol's big brothers.

Lionel:
No, we'd better stay in London for a bit. I think we might have started a range war. Oh, by the way, why did you say I was decorated in Korea? And, and what exactly is a KBM?

Jean:
Kicked By Mule.

Lionel:
...Mule! Of course.

Jean:
Well, you were!

[first lines]

Jean:
So, what do you think?

Lionel:
It's very nice.

Jean:
No, I mean what do you think of the logo?

Lionel:
Very nice.

Jean:
I want an honest opinion.

Lionel:
Well, it's a bit like Superman 2, isn't it?

Jean:
Well, I thought that up; you see the two is because it's the second branch.

Lionel:
Yes, I'd worked that out.

Jean:
You don't like it, do you?

Lionel:
Well, to tell you the truth, it's a bit pretentious for my taste.

Jean:
You think I'm pretentious!

Lionel:
I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about *that*.

Jean:
Well, as I thought it up, the implication's obvious.

Lionel:
Iron drawers.

Jean:
What!

Lionel:
Sandy said that's what the girls in the office used to call you. I can see why when you're in a mood like this.

Alistair:
[after lunch in his office] Let's talk.

Sandy:
OK.

Alistair:
Would you feel more relaxed with your clothes off?

Sandy:
No.

Alistair:
Worth a try.

[last lines]

Jean:
[answers phone] Hello?

Jean:
Oh, hello.

Jean:
Where?

Jean:
Oh, of course you must.

Jean:
Yes, I'll tell him.

Jean:
Right, bon voyage. [hangs up] That was Alistair. Phoning from Heathrow. He's flying out. Going to talk to America. [she hums happily]

Lionel:
[trying to get him to write a second book, Jean walks Lionel through the first time they met] I saw you, and I stopped breathing. I really did.

Jean:
Did you?

Lionel:
I started again, obviously, or I would have died, but for that moment there was nobody in that park; nothing else in the park, just you.

[first lines]

Lionel Hardcastle:
Finished.

Jean Hardcastle:
Oh. Did you ever work out why it was called 'Thunder in the Moon'?

Lionel Hardcastle:
No. There was never a mention of thunder or the moon.

Jean Hardcastle:
Perhaps it's an allegory.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Perhaps it's rubbish.

Alistair Deacon:
I bet it's not every day that a guy with tickets on Concorde and rooms at The Plaza gets turned down.

Jean Hardcastle:
Well, why not try the younger generation?

Judith Hanson:
Mum!

Alistair Deacon:
Hey, hey, is that an idea, or is that an idea?

Lionel Hardcastle:
You're asking yourself questions again.

Alistair Deacon:
Then I'll ask the right people. Judy, Sandy?

Sandy:
The last time I had an invitation like this I was sixteen years old.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Not Concorde and The Plaza!

Sandy:
No. Boy at school. He had two tickets for a pop concert, but he had a row with his girlfriend and asked me instead.

Judith Hanson:
You didn't go, did you?

Sandy:
No, of course not.

Judith Hanson:
Get the point? It's not very flattering being the reserve team.

Alistair Deacon:
So you're not coming?

Judith Hanson:
Course we are.

Sandy:
Absolutely.

[last lines]

Alistair Deacon:
I just wish you'd got more out of it than an, an adventure.

Lionel Hardcastle:
We did. In case you've forget, we got some very nice dollars.

Alistair Deacon:
Dollars.

Jean Hardcastle:
Well, they are legal tender.

Alistair Deacon:
Well, there are a lot more of those to come.

Lionel Hardcastle:
A lot?

Alistair Deacon:
Oh yes. Transmission fee. See, I messed up a lot of things, but I... I never ever mess up a contract.

Jean Hardcastle:
Lionel, it's hug time.

Lionel Hardcastle:
You're right.

[first lines]

Sandy:
How did the interview go?

Vikki:
She picked so many holes in me I feel like an old cardigan.

Sandy:
Oh dear. Sorry, Vikki.

Vikki:
She's nice, you said.

Sandy:
Well, she usually is.

Vikki:
Well, thanks for trying, but on the whole I think I'd sooner work for... Genghis Khan.

Sandy:
She is a bit out of sorts.

Vikki:
[laughs] That's a bit!

Sandy:
Look, I'll have a quiet word later.

Vikki:
No thank you. Suddenly being unemployed has its compensations.

Sandy:
Oh. Look, it's lunch in an hour. Meet me over the road, eh?

Vikki:
Okay. If you don't turn up, I'll look for you in the Job Centre.

[last lines]

Jean:
Stephen, I have to ask. Why aren't you confused?

Stephen:
Look, I know how old Penny thought of David: matchless. Well, he wasn't. Damn nice bloke, but not matchless. But now you've finally convinced her, and a good thing too, with this wonderful fiction that you actually met thirty-eight years ago. Brilliant. I detect your professional acumen in this, Lionel.

Lionel:
Stephen, it's the truth!

Stephen:
Oh, right. Pull the other one, old chap. Next thing you know you'll be telling me you're *not* a psychiatrist.

Penny:
Stephen!

Stephen:
Coming!

Jean:
Well, Doctor.

Lionel:
I think we'll let that one lie.

Jean:
[laughing] Probably best.

Alistair:
Drop you somewhere, miss?

Judith:
I don't believe you! Where did you come from?

Alistair:
Weird thing that. I was sitting in my office, and this voice suddenly said: "Alistair. Alistair Deacon, somewhere out there is an angel in distress." And here I am.

Judith:
I don't believe a word of that.

Alistair:
The other version is that I was on my way to Gatwick, and there you were. Still magic, though, isn't it?

[first lines]

Lionel:
Why can't they design a raincoat that stops the rain going down the back of your neck?

Jean:
In Los Angeles you were looking forward to rain.

Lionel:
That was in Los Angeles.

Jean:
A drizzly day in Holland Park you kept saying.

Lionel:
Mm, but it took you to tell Cy Lieberman that it was the title for my next book. You're getting as bad as Alistair.

[last lines]

Jean:
I'll kill her! I'll kill her.

Lionel:
Fling?

Jean:
Yes.

Lionel:
Is that a word that often creeps into your mind?

Jean:
No. Anyway, I'm having one with you now.

Lionel:
Mm, less of a fling, more of a gavotte, really.

Alistair:
I've got to go to Athens.

Judith:
Athens.

Alistair:
Yeah, I'm hoping to meet Nana Mouskouri to talk about a new book called "Boys Do Make Passes".

Jean:
No Madge?

Rocky:
No. She sends her apologies. She... [kisses Jean hello] She's wrestling with the local operatic society at the moment.

Jean:
Well, why is she wrestling the operatic society?

Rocky:
Oh, they're planning a production of "Irma la Douce".

Jean:
Well, I would have thought that Madge would have approved of that.

Rocky:
She does. Trouble is she wants to play Irma.

Lionel:
This could be a long wrestle.

Lionel:
Mrs Bale didn't mention the shipping forecast once, and that's not natural.

Jean:
Well, she did say, "Que sera will be."

Lionel:
Why didn't she say "Que sera sera"?

Jean:
What, a whole sentence in a foreign tongue? I don't think so.

[first lines]

Lionel:
Damn and blast. Damn and blast!

Jean:
Do you want a hand, Lionel?

Lionel:
I can manage. Thank you.

Jean:
Fine.

Lionel:
Will you come out!

Judith:
Is she the sister?

Jean:
No, she can't be; the sister went to Australia.

Judith:
Well, she looks like her.

Jean:
Unless there's a third sister we know nothing about.

Judith:
That's not very likely, is it?

Jean:
Well, none of it's very likely, is it?

Lionel:
Look, I know you're in there; will you come out?

Jean:
[to Judith] I've just got comfortable.

Judith:
What's the matter, Lionel?

Lionel:
Who said anything was the matter?

Judith:
Fair enough. She could have come back from Australia.

Jean:
What, she only went last week!

Lionel:
All right, it's this stupid printer.

Judith:
Oh, what's the matter with the printer?

Lionel:
It won't print.

[last lines]

[Lionel has just been speaking to Rocky on the telephone]

Jean:
Who's buying the house?

Lionel:
*He* is.

Jean:
Oh, that's perfect! He and Madge belong there. For that matter, so do Mrs. Bale and Lol. I don't know why they left it in the first place.

Lionel:
Oh, my God!

Jean:
What?

Lionel:
He gave me the house, and now the old fool's trying to buy it back from me. I'm rounding off a wonderful day by robbing my own father!

Lionel:
Where are the others?

Sandy:
Oh, Judith's gone out, and Jean's popped down to the corner shop.

Lionel:
What for?

Sandy:
To buy some corners, I suppose.

[first lines]

Judith:
I'm off now, Mum.

Jean:
What's the name of that chap with the croaky voice?

Judith:
Chap with the croaky voice?

Jean:
Yes.

Judith:
Louis Armstrong?

Jean:
No, the chap who decorated our hall.

[last lines]

Lionel:
I am, you know.

Jean:
What?

Lionel:
Committed.

Jean:
Oh.

Lionel:
I mean I'm here, aren't I?

Jean:
Yes, you're here.

Lionel:
Which proves it.

Jean:
Which proves it.

Alistair:
Can we talk?

Judith:
That's what Joan Rivers says.

Alistair:
I know! She stole it from me. Can we?

Judith:
I don't think we've got much to talk about.

Alistair:
Oh, now that's where you're wrong with a capital R.

Lionel Hardcastle:
What does "misc. conf." mean?

Hotel Manager:
Miscellaneous confectionary, sir.

Lionel Hardcastle:
I haven't eaten any confectionary.

Hotel Manager:
Hmm, perhaps something from the mini bar in your room?

Lionel Hardcastle:
I might have had some peanuts.

Hotel Manager:
That would be it.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Why doesn't it say "peanuts"? Peanuts aren't confectionary.

Hotel Manager:
Not strictly speaking, no.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Not even loosely speaking.

Hotel Manager:
No, put it this way, sir: We find itemization less complicated under broad headings.

Lionel Hardcastle:
I see. Well, if I'm ever unfortunate enough to eat here again, I won't order mixed vegetables in case I get a couple of Mars Bars thrown in.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
I'm not very good at chit-chat.

Lionel Hardcastle:
I'm not even very good at "chit."

Sean:
[about Lionel's book] You're not fiction, are you?

Lionel Hardcastle:
No, I'm a real person.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Parties and I aren't really compatible.

Hotel Manager:
May I help you, madam?

Sandy:
Yes, I'm looking for Mr Hardcastle. I'm from Type for You secretarial agency.

Hotel Manager:
Mr Hardcastle; I'm sorry, madam, but he's just checked out.

Sandy:
Are you sure?

Hotel Manager:
I wouldn't mistake Mr Hardcastle for anybody else, ma'am.

Sandy:
He knew I was coming; that's downright rude.

Hotel Manager:
Your word, madam. My sentiment.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
"Excuse me," you said. "Could you direct me to Curzon Street?"

Lionel Hardcastle:
Pretty steamy opening gambit, wasn't it?

Jean Mary Pargetter:
Why did you want to go to Curzon Street?

Lionel Hardcastle:
I didn't. It was the first street that came into my head.

[last lines]

Jean:
What made you think of the little rosewood pencil box?

Lionel:
Just came to me. You?

Jean:
Yes, the same. You bought it for me in an antique shop in... where?

Lionel:
Chalfont St Giles. Near the camp.

Jean:
That's right. If I was off duty at the hospital and you had a thirty-six hour pass, I used to come up by train.

Lionel:
Funny thing to buy a girl you were in love with.

Jean:
Were you?

Lionel:
You know damn well I was. I must have been; three and six that pencil box cost.

Jean:
I've still got it.

Lionel:
Have you?

Jean:
Must be worth millions now.

Lionel:
At least.

[a young couple strolls by, arms round each other]

Jean:
Ghosts. Everywhere you look ghosts.

Lionel:
Maybe we're the ghosts.

Jean:
Maybe we are.

[first lines]

Taxi Driver:
Four fifty, love. Sorry about the hold-up. Students seem to do more demonstrating than studying these days.

Jean:
Well at least they care.

Taxi Driver:
Oh yes, they care for the whole world; every bit of it except their own bit. What about their own people? There are old people like you and me sleeping rough. They don't care about them, do they?

Jean:
Keep the change.

[first lines]

Lionel:
[on the telephone] No, thank you. No, thank you. [pause] No, thank you! [pause] No, thank you. [pause] No, thank you. Goodbye.

Jean:
Friend of yours?

Lionel:
British Telecom. One of those 'are you satisfied with our services' calls. I said yes and hoped that would be it, but no, I then get ten minutes of being offered extra services.

Jean:
You weren't even listening.

Lionel:
Well, it's all getting too complicated. Do you realise you can get a special rate if you make calls between three and five o'clock in the morning providing you're standing on one leg and wearing a ginger wig?

Jean:
You turned that down!

Alistair:
Look at you! Is that dress split to the thigh or what!

Sandy:
It's not split at all.

Alistair:
A guy can dream.

Lionel:
When you say broke, is that a, a comparative term?

Alistair:
No, I mean stony. Lye, you are looking at yesterday's man.

Lionel:
Come on.

Alistair:
Where?

Lionel:
Home. I think you need to be with friends.

Alistair:
They all hate me.

Lionel:
Don't make difficulties. Come on.

Lionel:
That was about as subtle as a steamroller, wasn't it.

Jean:
I just think they ought to be left alone.

Lionel:
Look, you can't start matchmaking at a time like this.

Jean:
I'm not matchmaking, but when Alistair was telling his sad story, and it was sad, it was Judy he was telling it to.

Sandy:
Didn't you notice?

Lionel:
No.

Sandy:
Honestly.

Jean:
Honestly.

Lionel:
Well, I'm not psychic, am I!

[last lines]

Jean:
Are you sure you didn't fix it for the lights to go off?

Lionel:
No. Even with my immensely long arms, i couldn't reach from here to the cupboard under the stairs.

Jean:
No, I suppose not. 'Tis romantic, though, isn't it.

Lionel:
Yes, 'tis. [he chuckles]

Jean:
Why are you smiling?

Lionel:
Well, I was just thinking of the things you could still do that require no technological expertise at all.

Jean:
Oh, Lionel, you are a rascal.

Lionel:
I have my moments.

Jean:
Have you finished your early morning grumble?

Lionel:
Yes, I think so.

Jean:
Good morning.

Jean:
Does Alistair take tea or coffee for breakfast?

Judith:
Coffee. Sometimes Buck's Fizz.

Jean:
[pause] Coffee, then.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Oh, Mike, I've been meaning to ask: what exactly is your role in all this?

Mike Barbosa:
Co-executive deputy supervising associate producer.

Jean:
[to Lionel] Well you did ask.

[last lines]

[Lionel and Jean have been looking at the film crew through the window]

Jean:
Oh look, somebody's waving at us. Oh, it's Moses. [waves] Hello!

Lionel Hardcastle:
I don't think it's that sort of wave. [opens the window] Can we be of any assistance?

Moses:
You're in shot! You're in the shot!

Lionel Hardcastle:
Well, hard luck!

Jean:
Oh, let's leave them to it. I know somewhere we won't be in shot.

[first lines]

Jean:
Do you know something? I feel redundant.

Lionel:
Feel what?

Jean:
Redundant.

Lionel:
I'm only reading the paper.

Jean:
No, not here; I mean at the office. I feel it more and more. I think of something that needs doing only to find that Judy or Sandy have already done it.

Lionel:
Well, that's good, isn't it? They're showing initiative.

Jean:
Yes, well, I wish they wouldn't show so much.

[first lines]

Lionel:
Well, as honeymoons go, it was rather good, wasn't it?

Jean:
Just how many honeymoons have you had?

Lionel:
Only the two, but this was the better by a long chalk.

Jean:
You're not just saying that because you like the porridge up here, are you?

Lionel:
It does have a bearing.

[last lines]

Lionel:
Who was that?

Jean:
Kong! Sandy's going out with Kong.

Lionel:
Oh, I see.

Jean:
Well is that all you can say: "oh I see"? What are we going to do about it? Lionel?

[Lionel walks away]

Jean:
Oh, Lionel!

Jean:
How's everything at the office.

Sandy:
Fine! It burnt down, but we're working from a tent.

Alistair:
Next weekend would be a good time, Lye, because they're filming down at Madge and Rocky's place.

Lionel:
Hmm, I just hope they know what they've let themselves in for.

Alistair:
Madge and Rocky? [laughs] I'm sure they do.

Lionel:
I mean the film crew.

[last lines]

Lionel Hardcastle:
May I ask you something before you go?

Margaret Butterworth:
Provided it's not about Gary.

Lionel Hardcastle:
No, it's about the late Mr. Butterworth. Did you say he was in feeds or peas?

Margaret Butterworth:
Aeronautics.

Margaret Butterworth:
[to Jean] I wanted to ask you a question before I go.

Jean Hardcastle:
Providing it's not about Lionel.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Not directly. It's about that little film he's written.

Jean Hardcastle:
Oh, it's bound to be a huge success. What was the question?

Margaret Butterworth:
Well, oddly enough I do remember what information I managed to wring out of you last night. It's... a love story.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Just fiction.

Margaret Butterworth:
Of course. But you were the girl in it.

Jean Hardcastle:
Yes, I was the girl in it.

Lionel Hardcastle:
She still is.

Margaret Butterworth:
Always was, I suppose.

[first lines]

Sandy:
[pointing at something in the newspaper] They're never her own, are they?

Judith:
No way! Well at least I hope not.

Sandy:
The legs are six feet long as well.

Judith:
Let's console ourselves with the fact that intellectually she's a vacuum.

Sandy:
We don't know that, do we?

Judith:
No, but we can think it.

Jean:
[the doorbell rings] Oh.

Lionel:
Aah, who's that?

Jean:
Heads or tails?

Lionel:
Tails.

Jean:
You go.

Lionel:
I thought you were supposed to toss a coin.

Jean:
That's only in the fair version.

[first lines]

Lionel:
Right. F... three. F... three, that's it, good. Damn and blast!

[he gets on hands and knees to search for the dropped bit]

Jean:
What are you doing?

Lionel:
I'm playing hide and seek.

Jean:
You're building a ship!

Lionel:
Yes, I'm building a ship, and I've lost the end of my bowsprit.

Jean:
I didn't know you built ships.

Lionel:
At this rate, I never shall.

Sandy:
What do you want to talk about?

Alistair:
Hey-hey! [he kisses her neck]

Sandy:
Alistair! What are you doing!

Alistair:
What comes naturally, naturally.

Sandy:
I really do *like* you

Alistair:
Ugh! I hate it when women say that to me.

Sandy:
Oh! [she kisses his cheek]

Alistair:
I don't suppose we could try and, uh, upgrade the like.

Sandy:
Good night, Alistair.

[last lines]

Sandy:
Whilst we were chatting, we finished off your ship.

Lionel:
Oh.

Sandy:
You don't mind, do you?

Lionel:
No. Well, to be honest, I'd... lost interest anyway.

Judith:
Isn't it sweet!

Jean:
Dinky.

Judith:
Night.

Jean:
Good night.

Sandy:
Good night.

Jean:
Good night, Sandy.

Lionel:
Good night.

Jean:
I thought you said the instructions were wrong.

Lionel:
Confusing, I said.

Jean:
Yes, where are the missing bits? Where are the missing bits?

Lionel:
I'll find them; I'll find them. I think [Jean laughs] there.

[first lines]

Lionel:
[scraping a suit coat with a knife] Oh, wonderful.

[the doorbell rings]

Lionel:
Oh, it's you!

Jean:
Oh. I've had more ecstatic welcomes.

Lionel:
Yeah, I was just surprised; I thought we were having a day off. Come in.

Jean:
You taken to answering the door with a knife in your hand?

Lionel:
I was just getting a stain out.

Jean:
With that?

Lionel:
Yeah, it was the stubborn sort.

[last lines]

Lionel:
Perhaps we should have a few days off.

Jean:
Oh, we're back to that again, are we?

Lionel:
Well, we don't seem to get past it, do we?

[Jean sighs]

Judith:
[picking up a miniskirt] Oh, you're not throwing this out!

Jean:
Well, I'm most certainly not going to wear it.

Judith:
It's so tiny.

Judith:
Yes. I only kept it all these years for sentimental reasons; it was your father's favourite.

Judith:
You hussy!

Jean:
Yes. It did make my legs ache.

Judith:
Why?

Jean:
Couldn't sit down.

[first lines]

Lionel:
Good Lord! Joseph Knox on CD.

Jean:
We saw him at the Hackney Empire.

Lionel:
So we did. What did he sing?

Jean:
Something military I expect. He generally sang something military.

[last lines]

Lionel:
Lights out?

Jean:
Lights out. [Lionel turns out the light]

Lionel:
Old habits.

Jean:
Old habits.

Lionel:
Hello again.

Jean:
Hello again.

[first lines]

Sandy:
I've never heard of Bespoke Overalls before.

Alistair:
Mate of mine.

Sandy:
Yes, I thought it would be.

Alistair:
Nice of you to give up your Saturday.

Sandy:
I want to see it through. There's been so much umming and ahing about Lionel moving in with Jean that I want to make sure that it actually happens.

Alistair:
They'll be fine. They're like bacon and eggs.

Sandy:
Yes, but they've never lived in the same frying pan before.

Alistair:
[laughs] Nice one.

Judith:
Oh. I'm just going out.

Lionel:
I can see that by the direction you're pointed in.

Judith:
With Alistair.

Lionel:
I know; I just met him in the pub. I know it's not really any of my business, but have you ever discussed his intentions?

Judith:
Now, coming from you, that's rich.

Lionel:
Touch?!

[last lines]

Jean:
Lionel, I don't want to be a pessimist.

Lionel:
Well, you can leave that to me.

Jean:
No, but, seriously. Us, here. I mean, if it had been all those years ago. But it isn't. And I mean, we've never been domestic together before. There's no use kidding ourselves it's all going to be easy.

Lionel:
No, I know that. But then when did anyone ever claim that love was easy?

[first lines]

Gilly:
Nippy, isn't it?

Sandy:
Just a bit, yes.

Gilly:
You wearing thermals?

Sandy:
No, I'm *not* wearing thermals.

Gilly:
You ought to. "Hello, boys" they're not, but they do the job.

[last lines]

Jean:
What was the small problem?

Lionel:
Wax. A buildup of wax in the ears, but I had it syringed; now everything's fine

Jean:
Did it hurt?

Lionel:
No. A bit like having a head full of water, but, no, it worked, and that's all that matters.

Jean:
I was worried.

Lionel:
Yes, I know. I'm sorry I wasn't my usual grownup self about it.

Jean:
Was there a lot of wax?

Lionel:
Yes, quite a lot. They gave it to me as a souvenir. [puts a plastic bag on the counter]

Jean:
Oh! Oh!

Lionel:
Oh, and I got some more of those nice sausages as well. They're in here. [Jean hits him] Oh.

Jean:
Oh, Lionel! Oh, Lionel.

Sandy:
Whatever happened to romance?

Jean:
It is still around.

Sandy:
Yes, I know. Well, look at you and Lionel.

Jean:
Us!

Sandy:
Yes! Lionel's still very romantic at heart. He still says romantic things.

Lionel:
[returning from kitchen] That's typical. We did have some baked beans after all, but there isn't a sausage in the house.

Lionel:
Consider this... I think all three of you have unnaturally soft voices.

[first lines]

Jean:
You were up early.

Lionel:
Well, I woke up, so I thought I'd get on with some work.

Jean:
How's it going? [Lionel holds up a chain of paper clips] Oh, very nice. It's hardly a mini-series, is it?

Lionel:
I should have turned over and gone back to sleep.

Jean:
Hello, Mrs. Bale.

Mrs. Bale:
Good morning. Visibility is poor but the sea is moderate in the south North Sea and the Dover Strait.

Jean:
I didn't know that.

Nurse:
Mr. Hardcastle? You may see your parents now.

Lionel:
Oh, thank you. How are they?

Nurse:
Would you be offended if I said... odd?

Lionel:
Not a bit.

[last lines]

Lionel:
He's not going to listen to anything the doctors say, is he, my father?

Jean:
No, of course not. He'll go on burning the candle at both ends, and he and Madge'll probably start burning it in the middle as well.

Lionel:
Do you think we'll end up like them?

Jean:
Well, I certainly hope so. There is one difference though.

Lionel:
Oh, we're not as crackers as they are?

Jean:
No. We're not married.

Nurse:
Come along, Mr Hardcastle. Mr Sykes is ready for you.

Rocky:
Bill or Eric?

Madge:
What does time matter at our age? It's what's in the time that counts.

Rocky:
Rock on!

Madge:
Rock on!

Jean:
Rock on!

Lionel:
Oh, what the hell! Rock on!

Lionel Hardcastle:
It's a freeish country.

[first lines]

Sandy:
Hello. Type For You Agency. Yes, can you hold the line for a moment, please? Thanks.

[puts phone down and steps into Jean's office]

Sandy:
Are you in?

Jean:
Who is it?

Sandy:
Lionel Hardcastle.

Jean:
I'm out.

Sandy:
For long?

Jean:
Try a decade.

Sandy:
[returns to phone] Hello, Mister Hardcastle. I'm sorry, but Miss Pargetter's out at the moment. Oh, not for long... ten years or so.

[last lines]

Jean:
Judy. Judy!

Judith:
What?

Jean:
What do you mean you were a threat?

Judith:
Oh, something Lionel said to me.

Jean:
Oh!

Judith:
We were talking about Alistair.

Jean:
Oh, look, Love, about Alistair...

Judith:
You don't have to worry about him any more. I was thinking about him at dinner tonight.

Jean:
While you were being a threat?

Judith:
Mmm-hmm. And I suddenly got him into perspective. He's nice enough, but, well, it's all just glitz really.

Jean:
Oh, good.

Judith:
Whereas Lionel, he made me feel better about myself in two minutes tonight than someone like Alistair could do in two years.

Jean:
The wisdom of the ancients.

Judith:
He's not ancient. I think he's gorgeous.

[Judith goes upstairs and Jean returns to the sitting room]

Lionel:
Is everything all right?

Jean:
Everything's fine... Gorgeous.

Lionel:
Leave it all for a bit.

Sandy:
Look, I hate to sound like a hooker, but you are paying for my time.

Lionel:
Let's assume I'm resting between bouts of ecstasy.

Jean:
And I thought Lionel was the master of insensitivity.

Jean:
You really don't like babies, do you?

Lionel:
Not when they're young, no.

Jean:
You can't have old babies.

Lionel:
Yes, you can. They're called grown-ups.

Judith:
Mum!

Jean:
We're in the kitchen!

Judith:
[entering] Hello. Why is everyone in here?

Jean:
'Cause Penny's out there.

Lionel:
[entering] There's a lack of moral fibre in this house.

Jean:
What are you doing here, then?

Lionel:
Lack of moral fibre.

[first lines]

[Lionel knocks on the bathroom door, then coughs loudly several times]

Jean:
Nasty cough.

Lionel:
I'm trying to find out if anyone's in the bathroom.

Jean:
Well, I'm not.

Lionel:
I know you're not. I meant Judith or Sandy.

Jean:
You've never really come to terms with Mrs. Flack, have you?

Lionel:
You can't come to terms with Mrs. Flack; she never listens. She just talks and talks. And talks.

Jean:
Do you want me to have a word with her?

Lionel:
Oh no, I don't think that's right. After all, it's me she's working for, so when all's said and done - Would you?

[last lines]

Jean:
Well, I'll talk to Daisy today, then.

Lionel:
Thank you.

Jean:
You're not to go soft on Mrs. Flack.

Lionel:
Nothing Mrs. Flack can say or do will make me go soft on her, I promise. She can... Oh, Lord!

Jean:
What?

Gwen Flack:
[on crutches] Look at me! It's Herriot's fault, bless him. His lead got twisted, and I went over. Broken ankle. Still, here I am, hah, ready to go.

Jean:
I've gone soft.

Lionel:
So have I.

Sandy:
[as Alistair leaves] Are you off?

Alistair:
Positively rancid, apparently.

[first lines]

Lionel:
Funny things, peanuts.

Jean:
What?

Lionel:
I said peanuts are funny things. I mean, peanuts and things on sticks aren't usually in one's main stream of consciousness, are they?

Jean:
No, I have to admit that.

Lionel:
But have people in for drinks, and out they come.

Jean:
You're in a very philosophical mood.

Vicar:
Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all other keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?

Rocky:
Rock on! Sorry. I will!

Madge:
[about Rocky] I'll look after him, you know.

Lionel:
At breakneck pace?

Madge:
The only way to go.

Lionel:
I was afraid of that

[last lines]

Jean:
You did very well today.

Lionel:
Made me think, you know, this going somewhere business. I think it's time we did.

Jean:
Oh?

Lionel:
I think we should make a start and live together.

Jean:
I see.

[Judith gets back in the car]

Judith:
Bad time?

Jean:
No, rather a good time, actually.

[first lines]

Mrs. Bale:
You have put the eggs on top, haven't you?

Grocer:
Course I have, and if you bring any back cracked, it won't be my fault; it'll be that thing. [nods at motorcycle]

Mrs. Bale:
I'll have you know that *that thing* has not had one mechanical failure since 1959.

Grocer:
I'm not talking about the condition of the engine; I'm talking about the way you drive it.

Mrs. Bale:
*I* have never driven straight over the island of a roundabout.

Grocer:
Wasn't me. That was Dolly Parton.

Mrs. Bale:
Oh, so she was driving your Skoda that evening.

Grocer:
She was on the radio. I got distracted.

Mrs. Bale:
Thank goodness she wasn't actually in the car with you. You'd have hit every signpost from here to Winchester.

Lionel:
I might have a crack at this cider later.

Jean:
Oh, I wouldn't; you'll be flat on your back for the rest of the weekend. How did Mr Wells describe it?

Lionel:
Tastier than nitroglycerine, but with much the same effect.

Sandy:
Well, it's a lovely afternoon. I think I'm going to slip into a bikini and catch some sun.

Judith:
That's good idea. I think I'll join you.

Alistair:
I'd rather you didn't do that.

Jean:
Oh, Alistair, are you feeling unwell? I thought you'd be out there with three towels by now.

Sandy:
Oh, now look, this really isn't any of my business, so I'll...

Lionel:
Sandy, you've met our mad relatives and haven't flinched; you're part of the family now.

Sandy:
[in a childish voice] Aw. Gee, daddy.

Lionel:
*Almost* part of the family.

[last lines]

Lionel:
Didn't mind coming out here, did you?

Jean:
No, I was rather excited by it. It's ages since a boy asked me to step outside for some fresh air.

Lionel:
Boy?

Jean:
Chap,then.

Lionel:
Who was the boy ages ago?

Jean:
You! [chuckles]

Lionel:
Oh.

Jean:
The staff dance at the hospital. I think there were more couples out in the fresh air than there were on the dance floor.

Lionel:
Shall we... step outside for a breath of fresh air?

Jean:
We have.

Lionel:
I know.

[They kiss]

Lionel:
[to Madge and Rocky] You're both old enough to know better.

Madge:
Oh piffle! If you ever think you're old enough to know better, you ought to have yourself put down.

[the waiter has announced Alistair's order of champagne]

Jean Mary Pargetter:
What champagne?

Alistair Deacon:
The bottle in my room.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
You do have a thirst, don't you?

Alistair Deacon:
It's for us.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
In your room?

Alistair Deacon:
We can have it in your room, if you like.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
Look, Alistair, do I have to stamp "No" in big letters on your forehead?

Alistair Deacon:
Whatever turns you on.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
Well, I'll tell you what turns me on at this time of night. It's a comfortable bed and a good book.

Alistair Deacon:
Okay, fine. What shall we read?

Jean Mary Pargetter:
You should be a salesman, not a publisher. Are you always like this?

Alistair Deacon:
Oh, no. Sometimes I'm really pushy.

[first lines]

Headmaster:
Hardcastle, so good of you to come out to the wild on such short notice.

Headmaster:
It's very kind of you to meet me, Master, but you really shouldn't have bothered.

Headmaster:
Oh, nonsense. Always enjoy railway stations. It's the only time I weigh myself, when I'm at a railway station. Car's this way. "My Life in Burma", isn't it, your lecture?

Lionel:
"My Life in Kenya" actually.

Headmaster:
So it is.

Judith:
Funny, isn't it, Alistair having already booked the same hotel as us?

Jean:
How did you ever get to be so gullible?

[last lines]

Denise Cropper:
Get out of my house.

Lionel:
What do you think I'm doing, getting ready to play pass the parcel?

Denise Cropper:
You've taken advantage of me; that's what you've done.

Lionel:
Now we really are in the realms of fiction, aren't we.

Denise Cropper:
Of all my guests, all the gentlemen that have stayed here, you are the only one, and now you're being unkind to me.

Lionel:
You're not losing anything, Denise. [pause] It's just that I... can't. Look, it's probably stupid, but... [pulls pictures out of dresser drawer] Who are this lot?

Denise Cropper:
People.

Lionel:
Well, call me suspicious, but why do I guess that they all have a pair of pyjamas with Macho Man printed across the chest?

Headmaster:
Yes, the fellow who dropped out was going to talk about rail travel in Russia in the twentieth century.

Lionel:
Why did he drop out?

Headmaster:
Got knocked over by a bus, poor fellow.

Lionel:
Ironic.

Headmaster:
Mmmm, that's what I thought.

[last lines]

Lionel:
Good night.

Sandy:
Good night.

Judith:
It's only half past eight.

Jean:
Yes, we know, but we're going to bed - to write a love scene.

Judith:
Aunt Penny, I am not a poor soul; I'm just not with anyone at the moment.

Penny:
Darling, you're too old not to be with anyone.

Jean:
Still keeping everyone cheerful.

[first lines]

Lionel:
There's no need for you to hang about, you know.

Jean:
No, I'm not hanging about; I'm just, um, putting some papers in order.

Lionel:
I'd have thought you'd have done that at the office.

Jean:
No, I can put my papers in order where I like.

Lionel:
I know what all this is about, you know; it's because Daisy starts this morning, isn't it?

Jean:
Don't be absurd.

Lionel:
Yes, it is. You want to see what she's wearing.

[first lines]

Sandy:
[reading the paper] Mmm, that's nice. Look; two-bedroom flat in Upper Bayswater.

Judith:
No such place as Upper Bayswater. Means Paddington. And you missed the bit about 'some decorative restoration required'.

Sandy:
I'm sure we're quite capable of slapping on a coat of emulsion.

Judith:
Some decorative restoration probably means there's no floor.

Sandy:
Sure you're not going off the idea of us getting a flat together?

Judith:
Why do you say that?

Sandy:
Well, all the places you seem to like are places we can't afford.

Judith:
No, I'm not going off the idea. Just as, well, as Mum says, there's no rush.

Sandy:
At this rate we'll still be living here when we're little old ladies.

Judith:
I just don't see what all the panic's about.

Sandy:
It's not panic! It's just... well, it's all getting a little bit too cozy.

Judith:
You're in one of your hair shirt moods, aren't you?

Jean:
And I think it's time you stopped calling me Boss.

Sandy:
I've always called you Boss. Well, to your face, anyway.

[last lines]

Stephen:
Um, I booked our room for the wrong night as well.

Penny:
We were wondering if we could bunk in with you two.

Jean:
Oh, you're not actually giving Daisy a custard tart?

Lionel:
I thought you were going to work.

Jean:
Oh! See you later. [looks at tarts] You vile seducer.

Lionel:
If I leave a candle in the window, don't come in.

Sandy:
I've done it! Fame at last! Lionel let me stack the dishwasher. Supervised, of course.

Lionel:
Anybody else want some tea?

Alistair:
No thanks, Lye. I'm taking this delicious morsel out for a delicious morsel.

Sandy:
Every one of those loses you a point, you know.

Jean:
Well, you must have some opinion.

Alistair:
Oh, I do, I do. I just don't like to take sides, that's all.

Jean:
Well, I'm not asking you to take sides; just who's right and who's wrong.

[last lines]

Lionel:
I didn't... I didn't!

Jean:
I didn't say anything, Lionel; I didn't say anything

[first lines]

Jean:
Morning. Nice lie in?

Lionel:
I thought everybody was up.

Jean:
Well, I'm up, and Judy's up; she's gone to get some shopping for me.

Lionel:
Yes. Well, I thought everybody was up.

Jean:
Does it matter?

Lionel:
Yes, it does as a matter of fact.

Jean:
Would you like me to go up and blow a bugle in Sandy's ear?

Lionel:
She's up. Well, not properly up but up. I assumed everybody was properly up.

Jean:
You're sounding rather obsessive about this.

Lionel:
Sandy is in the bath!

Jean:
Oh, should I be surprised about that?

Lionel:
I saw her in the bath.

Jean:
You trying to get me drunk?

Lionel:
Haven't tried that since I was very young.

Jean:
Really? What happened?

Lionel:
I plied her with Babycham. God, she could knock those back.

Jean:
And?

Lionel:
I tried to match her with my light ales and got legless myself.

Jean:
Young Mr Smooth.

[first lines]

Lionel:
I think I'm getting a bunion.

Jean:
That's not a very auspicious start to the day.

Lionel:
I've never had a bunion before. I've had corns; I've never had a bunion.

Jean:
I can recommend a very good chiropodist.

Lionel:
Can you? Were you you mean you have...

Jean:
This coffee's delicious.

[last lines]

Jean:
There we were, and here we are now, with a great big gap of thirty-eight years in between. Sometimes it's as though we've never been apart, but at other times it seems that we never knew each other, that we were just complete strangers. I wonder what'll happen to us. Have you any ideas on the subject?

[turns round to find Lionel has fallen asleep]

Jean:
Lionel?

[sits down beside him]

Jean:
Lionel?

[kisses his cheek and lies against him]

Jean:
My hero.

[first lines]

Alistair:
All ashore that's going ashore.

Judith:
You sure you won't come on with us?

Jean:
No, thanks. Lionel's tired.

Lionel:
I didn't say anything about being tired.

Jean:
Well, I'm tired, so you must be.

Lionel:
Oh, I see. Thanks for a delicious meal, Alistair.

Alistair:
Absolutely de nada, Lye.

Jean:
And you're both coming down to the country tomorrow.

Judith:
Oh, yeah, be nice to get out of London for a bit.

Lionel:
Would you excuse us, Mrs. Bale?

Mrs. Bale:
Yes, of course. It's almost time for the shipping forecast anyway. The last I heard the wind was doing some very peculiar things in the Irish Sea.

Lionel Hardcastle:
I once got kicked in the teeth by a mule.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
Where?

Lionel Hardcastle:
Korea.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
They look very good.

Lionel Hardcastle:
What do?

Jean Mary Pargetter:
The teeth.

Lionel Hardcastle:
These are my own!

Jean Mary Pargetter:
Oh, must have been a very puny mule.

Lionel Hardcastle:
All right, I embroidered. It nearly kicked me in the teeth.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
Were you wounded in Korea?

Lionel Hardcastle:
Only by the mule.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Why should you turn down a rich, handsome barrister?

Jean Mary Pargetter:
I didn't say he was rich.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Have you ever heard of a poor barrister?

Jean Mary Pargetter:
I was tempted.

Lionel Hardcastle:
What, security?

Jean Mary Pargetter:
No. Sex!

Lionel Hardcastle:
Oh! [chuckles]

Jean Mary Pargetter:
You remember the kind of thing?

Lionel Hardcastle:
Of course I remember the kind of thing.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
But you thought I didn't.

Lionel Hardcastle:
I thought nothing of the sort.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
You know, it's typical, isn't it? It's fine for men. A man is sexually active as long as he gets one foot out of the wheelchair. A woman passes 50 and her idea of sexual activity is supposed to be soaking her feet and listening to James Last.

[last lines]

Judith Hanson:
Well, well, well. He dedicated his book to you, and he hadn't seen you for thirty-eight years.

Jean Pargetter:
A dull book.

Judith Hanson:
Nevertheless... Let's go and see him in Norwich.

Jean Pargetter:
Oh, don't be silly!

Judith Hanson:
"To Pooh".

Jean Pargetter:
Don't be silly.

[first lines]

Judith:
Is that you, Mum?

Jean:
Yes. [Judith enters, wrapped in a towel] Well, dressed like that it had better be.

Judith:
You work late?

Jean:
I've a lot to catch up on.

Judith:
You're always working late.

Jean:
I got into the habit. There was never much to come home to.

Judith:
Well, thanks!

Jean:
When you were married, I mean.

Judith:
Which time?

Jean:
Both times. Have you eaten?

Judith:
No. Want me to whip us up something?

Jean:
That offer lacked conviction. We'll eat out.

Judith:
Right. I'll get dressed.

[first lines]

Lionel:
Why anyone should pack an anvil for a weekend in the country I don't know.

[last lines]

Jean:
Try saying: "No thank you, we don't want to."

Lionel:
No thank you, we don't want to.

Jean:
That sounds very surly.

Lionel:
Well, you try it then.

Jean:
All right. No thank you, we don't want to.

Lionel:
Huh, sounds rather whiny.

Jean:
Oh, does it? Well, somewhere in the middle then.

[the telephone starts ringing]

Jean:
Augh.

Lionel:
That'll be one of them; I know it will.

Jean:
[yells at phone] Leave us alone.

Lionel:
Well, I'm not having it. We're having supper in front of the fire, and that's it.

Jean:
No, let me try it; I might be better at trying somewhere in the middle.

Lionel:
But honest.

Jean:
Honest of course. [picks up phone] Hello. Oh, Alan.

Lionel:
Ah-ha, my God.

Jean:
Supper tonight? Oh, thank you, Alan.

Lionel:
What!

Jean:
No, we can't. [to Lionel] Why, why? [Lionel shrugs] Ah, well, it... oh well, would you believe it, Lionel has just come down with measles. Really, yes, sorry, no, good-bye.

Lionel:
Mrs Bale.

Mrs. Bale:
Yes?

Lionel:
This dense fog which is going to engulf the whole of Hampshire, isn't it rather odd to hear that on a shipping forecast?

[Mrs Bale just smiles]

Jean:
Mrs Bale!

Mrs. Bale:
Well, I thought the situation warranted a little white lie.

Jean:
Bless you!

Lionel:
Mind you, yesterday you claimed to have the strength of ten because your heart was pure.

Mrs. Bale:
I've always found 'pure' to be a very comparative word.

Lionel:
I found getting away for the weekend a bit tiring.

Jean:
If that's a dig at me...

Lionel:
It's not, and I'm sure we'll get it down to a fine art with practice. We'll probably be packed up and ready to go in five or six hours eventually.

[first lines]

Judith:
Morning, Mum.

Jean:
Oh. I thought you'd have gone.

Judith:
Nice weekend?

Jean:
Yes. Yes, it was, actually.

[last lines]

Jean:
What are we going to do about that smirk on Judith's face?

Lionel:
Questions will be asked.

Jean:
Not in the House?

Lionel:
I sincerely hope not.

Jean:
Have you any idea, I mean any constructive idea what we should say?

Lionel:
As a matter of fact, I have. Alistair does talk an awful lot of twaddle but he has got one phrase which might come in quite handy.

[Jean laughs]

Jean, Lionel:
Hey, hey!

Alistair:
If the public gets interested in an author, then they also get interested in the book.

Judith:
If you'd published Shakespeare he would have really been something.

Lionel:
You and I have lurched happily through eighteen months of marriage.

Jean:
No, nineteen.

Lionel:
Nineteen months, without either of us having reached for the carving knife.

Jean:
I threw some carrots at you once.

Lionel:
That's not really in the same category, is it?

[first lines]

Jean:
[washing dishes as the doorbell rings] Oh, will somebody get that? I'm in the sink.

Lionel:
You're not in the sink at all.

Jean:
Just open the door, will you?

[last lines]

Penny:
I shall be glad to get back to the sanity of Hampshire.

Stephen:
Well, do you really think that Hampshire is a particularly sane place?

Penny:
Huh, compared with this part of the world, yes! I simply want...

[they see Alistair riding a horse dressed as a knight in armour, with his visor down]

Stephen:
Good Lord!

Alistair:
Good morrow, guys. [raises his visor] How are you?

Penny:
What on earth are you doing?

Alistair:
Well, the herald didn't work, so I thought I'd send the knight himself.

Stephen:
I see.

Alistair:
Fare thee well. [lowers his visor and rides on]

Penny:
What do you see?

Stephen:
Nothing, actually.

Penny:
I'd like you to drive home quite quickly, please.

Penny:
And now, Judith, your journalist, he's not gutter press, I hope, is he?

Judith:
Oh no, he writes all his articles on the pavement.

Sandy:
I bet you wish you were in a monastery sometimes.

Lionel:
No, I wouldn't like the hours.

Sandy:
Or the frocks.

Lionel:
Not really my style.

Lionel:
The police aren't very keen on false alarms, are they? I'll go.

Jean:
Oh. No, no. No, we'd better send Sandy.

Lionel:
Why? [Jean just looks at him] Oh, I see.

Sandy:
This is exploitation. You know that?

Jean:
Yes. If it's a policewoman, come back and we'll send Lionel out.

Alistair:
[about Steven and Penny's plans to move next door] Look, whatever happened to the big 'O', hm? Optimism! A, they may not even like the house; B, they may not be able to afford it; and C, even if they do move in, could it really be that awful to have them as neighbours? [Jean and Lionel look at him] I should have left out C, shouldn't I?

[last lines]

Jean:
You're pleased, aren't you?

Stephen:
With myself, if the truth be told.

Jean:
Why?

Stephen:
I rang the estate agent; said I was a Mr Spiros. Did a voice, of course. And bid higher than Penny and I could possibly match.

Lionel:
You gazumped yourself?

Stephen:
In a manner of speaking, yes. Not bad for a dull-witted dentist, is it?

Jean:
Stephen, if Mr Spiros's offer is the highest that the estate agent gets... what will you do?

Stephen:
Oh, Lord.

Lionel:
I'll phone Alistair.

[first lines]

[Lionel clears his throat several times]

Jean:
Do you always clear your throat every time you turn the page?

Lionel:
I wasn't aware that I did.

Jean:
Well, you do.

Lionel:
I'm sorry. [pause] I've never noticed that.

Jean:
No, I'm sure you haven't. Didn't your wife notice?

Lionel:
Oh, we never read in bed. She wouldn't have the light on under any circumstances.

[last lines]

Jean:
Well, I am wearing mine, all right?

Alistair:
We have a short cut here. We have the ear of the horse's mouth.

Mike Barbosa:
This is Hemingway! This is Hecht! This is...

Lionel:
A. A. Milne?

Mike Barbosa:
A. A. Milne! Yes!

[first lines]

Jean:
You look very academic.

Lionel:
Looking up a word.

Jean:
A rude word?

Lionel:
No, not a rude word, a word for the crossword.

Jean:
Oh, what's the clue?

Lionel:
Um, [reads] 'lose two from lollipop to flop about'.

Jean:
Lose two what?

Lionel:
I don't know. Um, it could be letters. I was thinking if you'd lost the two i's from 'lollipop', but that leaves you with 'lollpop', and there's no such word.

Jean:
There aren't two i's in lollipop anyway.

Lionel:
Oh no. Huh.

Jean:
Lollop!

[last lines]

Alistair:
Well, they're not dull, are they?

[first lines]

Lionel:
Jean. [he finds her in the closet under the stairs]

Jean:
Hello.

Lionel:
Never mind 'hello'; what are you doing with my clothes?

Jean:
I'm collecting to help the aged.

[last lines]

Lionel:
I wonder if somebody will look after us when we're very old.

Jean:
Well, that's what all this is really about, isn't it? It's only a drop in the ocean.

Lionel:
It's a very nice drop.

[pause]

Lionel:
It's 'The Last Waltz'.

Jean:
I don't suppose you have the strength to totter round, have you?

Lionel:
I thought you'd never ask.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
If you repeat this, I shall say I was drunk, but I'm glad you're back in my life again. You are back in my life again, aren't you?

Lionel Hardcastle:
I seem to be, yes.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
Nice to have a friend.

Lionel Hardcastle:
Yes, it's nice to have a friend.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
You're very confident.

Alistair Deacon:
Yes, I am. I can remember when I was about, oh, six months old. And I remember looking up into my little mirror with the red and yellow beads on it, and I remember saying to myself, "Face it. Alistair Deacon, you have a lot to be confident about."

Lionel Hardcastle:
[to Jean] Rather funny, really. You get backache, I get cramp. And here we are, a couple of sex symbols.

Jean Mary Pargetter:
I don't think I've had as much pleasure since I broke my arm fifteen years ago.

[first lines]

[doorbell rings]

Jean:
Gosh, you're early.

Judith:
I'm keen.

[Judith opens the door]

Band Leader:
Miss Pargetter?

Judith:
No. Mum! There's a band for you.

Jean:
I don't laugh at jokes, Judy, in the morning; you know that.

[sees the band]

Jean:
Good Lord.

Jean:
It's more important to a woman where she lives; everyone knows that.

Lionel:
Do they?

Jean:
Yes, ask any woman.

Lionel:
How'd women suddenly become everyone?

Jean:
Oh, Lionel, don't split hairs.

Lionel:
Yes, I really need to stop doing that.

[first lines]

Lionel:
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.

Jean:
Lionel. What's the matter? Are you all right?

Lionel:
Well, I shall never play the violin again, that's for sure.

Jean:
Well, you shouldn't have carried so much.

Lionel:
We shouldn't have sent so much. A few things to be dry-cleaned for the charity shop, you said. I'm not only in pain; I'm bankrupt as well.

Jean:
Well, is that all?

Lionel:
Look, I'm entitled to a little moan.

Jean:
No, I mean is that all the dry cleaning?

Jean:
[about the Duncans] They were either in each other's arms or at each other's throats, those two. If you found them rolling on the ground, you mightn't know which.

Alistair:
Listen, Lye. What would you say to me calling you 'Dad' from now on?

Lionel:
I'd say don't.

Alistair:
'Pops'?

Lionel:
I'd say don't on pain of death.

[last lines]

Judith Hanson:
Men!

Sandy:
Men!

Judith Hanson:
Oh, not you as well!

Sandy:
It's not our day, is it?

Judith Hanson:
Rugby.

Sandy:
What else?

Judith Hanson:
I don't know.

Sandy:
I don't know.

Jean:
I don't know.

[Lionel enters]

Lionel:
One of the bulbs in the bathroom is flickering, I think... [notices the girls] Oh.

Judith Hanson:
Hello, Lionel.

Sandy:
Hello, Lionel.

Jean:
The girls were in need of a little tender loving care, that's all.

Lionel:
Yes, of course.

Jean:
Where are you going?

Lionel:
To have another bath.

Alistair:
Hey, you dropped a carrot.

Jean:
No, I didn't drop it; I threw it at Lionel.

[last lines]

Lionel:
[shelling peas] Now, you'll tell me when I've done enough, won't you?

Jean:
Oh, yes. Everybody should be told when they've done enough.

[first lines]

Jean:
I shan't be long now.

Lionel:
I didn't ask you how long you were going to be.

Jean:
No, I know you didn't ask, but you keep looking at your watch.

Lionel:
I do not.

Jean:
Oh, what are you doing when you keep doing [looks at her wrist] Ah!

Lionel:
It's a nervous tic I've developed.

Jean:
Well I shan't be long.

Lionel:
Take as long as you like. I'm not doing anything except sitting here with my nervous tic.

Jean:
Look, well I shan't be long now.

Lionel:
Right.

Alistair:
You knew Judy was going out, didn't you?

Sandy:
Yes, I did.

Alistair:
Guys can get hurt as well, Sandy. Very deeply hurt.

Sandy:
Yes, I know they can, Alistair, but you're not one of them so stop overacting. Let's face it, you got just what you deserved.

Alistair:
You're probably right. So... What're you doing this evening?

Sandy:
[checking the contents of Jean's briefcase] She's at it again. I did all these figures this morning. I'm getting fed up with this; either I'm trusted or I'm not.

Judith Hanson:
Well, you *are* the one going through the boss's briefcase.

Alistair:
Jean didn't put me up to this; cross my heart, Lye, and hope to become unattractive to women.

Alistair:
You look great! What is it about girls in business suits?

Sandy:
With you, the same thing it is about girls in anything.

Alistair:
This is true.

[first lines]

Jean:
I'm off to bed.

Lionel:
Yes. I'll be up in a minute.

Jean:
What did you just hide?

Lionel:
Nothing.

Jean:
Lionel, I saw you! That jar of pickled onions, isn't it? Isn't it?

Lionel:
Damn thing.

Jean:
Give it to me.

Lionel:
If I can't get the top off, you certainly can't.

Jean:
I never said I could; I just want to take it away from you. I'm not having our life taken over by a jar of pickled onions.

[last lines]

Judith:
Anyone fancy a pickled onion?

Sandy:
Yes.

Jean:
No!

Sandy:
[struggling to open the jar] Stiff.

Lionel:
Yes, it is.

Sandy:
Got it!

Jean:
Oh! [starts to laugh]

Judith:
What?

Lionel:
Nothing. Nothing at all.

[first lines]

Jean:
[the telephone is ringing] Telephone! Telephone!

Lionel:
I'm answering it!

Jean:
[she runs in, shoving Lionel aside] Oh, get out my way. Hello. Who? Oh yes, how are you? What! Well, you'd better tell Alistair. Oh, oh no, of course you can't; right. Well, no, yeah, c'est la vie all right, yes. Well, good-bye, and good luck. [hangs up]

Lionel:
Who's that?

Jean:
The best man. He's broken his leg.

Lionel:
That's bad luck.

Jean:
Bad luck! The man's a fool.

Lionel:
That's a bit harsh. Who is the best man anyway?

Jean:
Was, was, was! Gaston somebody-or-other. He's a ski instructor.

Lionel:
Can't be very good if he's broken his leg.

Jean:
That's why I said he was a fool.

Lionel:
Why phone here? Why not phone Alistair.

Jean:
Because he's on his way to hospital, and contrary to all the laws of nature Alistair's mobile is switched off.

Rocky:
Come on, Mrs Bale, I fancy a tango.

Mrs. Bale:
They're not playing a tango.

Rocky:
Oh, stop nit-picking!

Lionel:
What about you? Do you fancy a shuffle round?

Jean:
Only if we smooch.

Lionel:
That's taken as read.

[last lines]

Jean:
Oh look, oh look!

Lionel:
What am I supposed to be looking at?

Jean:
Harry and Sandy.

Lionel:
Together at last.

Jean:
Where there's life, there's hope.

Sandy:
He passed out.

Lol Ferris:
Incidentally, Miss, my brothers all tend their very warm regards.

Sandy:
Oh, how sweet of them. Give them my love.

Lol Ferris:
Uh, uh, best make that 'best wishes'. We don't want them getting their hopes up, do we?

Rocky:
You know, a little birdie tells me that you used to be very sweet on young Sandy.

Harry:
Well, wouldn't you be?

Rocky:
I would. I would. Well, why aren't you taking her with you then?

Harry:
I don't know. Well, I do. I haven't asked her.

Rocky:
You don't look like a simpleton!

[first lines]

Lionel:
Postman Pat's been.

Jean:
In his little red van?

Lionel:
No, he's got a soppy trolley with big wheels.

Jean:
It's not the same, is it?

Lionel:
Nothing's the same. I mean look at all this lot. Did I ask for it? Did you ask for it? Did these people ask our permission to send us all this? No, so we have to wade through it every morning.

[last lines]

Jean:
Look, it's Lillian Stevens.

Lionel:
Who?

Jean:
That lady we met over there who sent us the card the other day; the one you described as tall, with long black hair and tight leather trousers.

Lionel:
[looks at photo] That's not the one that I meant.

Jean:
No. Obviously.

Lionel:
Funny how the mind plays tricks, isn't it. I could have sworn I was describing Lillian Stevens.

Jean:
Yes. Who were you describing?

Lionel:
Coffee?

Jean:
Lionel. Lionel!

Judith:
We've been shopping. I bought a jacket. Do you like it?

Lionel:
It's very nice.

Sandy:
And I bought some very sexy underwear.

Lionel:
Oh, I don't really think

Judith:
You're a man; Sandy would really like your opinion.

Lionel:
Yes, but I...

Sandy:
[pulls out a set of thermal underwear] Ta-da!

Lionel:
Oh. [laughs]

Judith:
I told you he'd be excited.

Sandy:
I'm sick of freezing to death on the touch lines when I watch Harry play rugby, you see. As some hearty girl said to me the other week: "'Hello, boys' it's not, but it does keep the chill out."

Lionel:
Hello, boys?

Judith:
He leads a very sheltered life.

[last lines]

Lionel:
Do you think that Judy ever believed you?

Jean:
Lionel, you gave me some very good advice last night. Sobering advice, but good, and as a result I think I put forward a very convincing argument.

Lionel:
So you actually believed what you said?

Jean:
Well, don't be silly. Of *course* I didn't.

[first lines]

Jean:
Lionel, please.

[they move the coffee table]

Lionel:
Why're you doing this now?

Jean:
Well, Penny and Stephen are coming to lunch tomorrow; I shall be cooking all morning.

Lionel:
Well, they're not going to be crawling about on their hands and knees looking for bits of fluff, are they?

Jean:
What bits of fluff? Where?

Lionel:
I didn't say that I could see any.

Jean:
Oh, I can. Lots.

Lionel:
Well, that's because you're on your hands and knees.

Judith:
How did the thermals go?

Sandy:
Oh, very well! They *are* warm. And they're quite comfortable.

Judith:
Yes, I suppose they are.

Sandy:
Mind you...

Judith:
Oh, yes...

Jean:
Yes, what they mean...

Lionel:
I know what they mean. You don't live in a house full of women without picking up a few pointers.

Lionel:
He's a nice lad, Harry.

Jean:
Yes, he is a nice lad.

Lionel:
They're good fun, rugby tours.

Jean:
Yes, I'm sure they are, but hasn't he got his priorities mixed up? I mean, which would you prefer, a week's holiday with Sandy or a rugby tour?

Lionel:
You're not going to believe me if I say the rugby tour, are you?

Jean:
Not for a minute, no.

Lionel:
No.

Jean:
No, and I don't want you thinking about it.

Lionel:
I wasn't. Well, I did for a second or two.

[first lines]

Jean:
You're not very good at this, are you? [pause] Like me to have a go?

Lionel:
If you think I'm changing places with you, you're mad.

Jean:
Masculine pride is it?

Lionel:
No. Sweet reason. If we try to change places in this bathtub, one or both of us will fall in.

[last lines]

Jean:
Too set.

Mrs. Bale:
Lunch will be served in eighteen and a half minutes.

Rocky Hardcastle:
Well, we can go in, shall we?

Jean:
Well, I don't think we've waited eighteen and a half minutes.

Rocky Hardcastle:
Well then, we'll catch her on the hop. She *hates* that.

Jean:
Oh, come on, Lionel. This is the trip we planned thirty-eight years ago! What was the first thing we were going to do?

Lionel:
It didn't have anything to do with walking.

Jean:
I meant the first in the morning.

Lionel:
That didn't have anything to do with walking either.

Jean:
After breakfast.

Lionel:
Walk and -

Jean, Lionel:
Walk and walk.

Jean:
Thank you.

Jean:
I feel rather dissolute.

Lionel:
Oh, yes?

Jean:
Mm. Well, you know, Paris, and crumbs in the bed. And a lover.

Lionel:
Mm, aren't I a bit old to be described as a lover.

Jean:
No. Not unless you have an incredibly short memory.

[last lines]

Jean:
[about his plans for the evening] Oh, Lionel, it sounds lovely, and very seductive.

Lionel:
It's intended to be. [Jean chuckles] It wasn't part of the original plans of course.

Jean:
Oh, now who are you kidding?

Lionel:
No, not the seduction, the high life.

Jean:
Mm, we couldn't have afforded it then; couldn't even afford to get to Paris.

Lionel:
No. I knew age must have some compensations. Come on, let's go and get ready.

Jean:
Um. Later, will you be making any unreasonable demands?

Lionel:
No, probably not.

Jean:
Oh dear.

Lionel:
No, I think we'll open the window before we go to bed. [Jean starts laughing]

[first lines]

Jean:
Il pleut.

Lionel:
What?

Jean:
I said "il pleut".

Lionel:
Oh bon.

Jean:
It isn't bon at all. It's pleuring.

Judith:
[about a biker] Did you just call him Kong?

Alistair:
Yes. Nice guy.

Judith:
I'm sure he is. Where did you find him? In a cave?

Alistair:
Professionally. I'm his publisher.

Judith:
What on earth does he write?

Alistair:
Poetry

Mrs. Bale:
Mr Deacon, would you come and have a word with Kong? He's crying in the kitchen.

Alistair:
Yes, of course. I'm glad you're not a poet, Lye. They're temperamental souls.

[at her wedding reception, Jean is talking to Madge and Penny]

Madge:
So what time do you and Lionel intend getting away from this mob?

Jean:
Oh, about midnight or so, I expect.

[Lionel beckons Jean over]

Jean:
Excuse me.

[She leaves]

Penny:
I don't think I like being described as a 'mob'.

Madge:
Well, if that's the worst you're ever described as, you're a very lucky woman!

[last lines]

Judith:
The taxi's around the corner and your cases are in it.

Jean:
Oh.

Lionel:
Well done.

Jean:
Well, where is everybody?

Judith:
They're in the garden, assembling for a group photograph.

Sandy:
Come on! You can be across the border in a few hours.

Jean:
What border?

Lionel:
The Scottish border; we're booked on the sleeper.

Jean:
Ooh! [kisses Lionel] You clever old thing.

Lionel:
I've never just been a pretty face.

Alistair:
[calling from the garden] What's going on in there? Where're the dream team?

Jean:
Running!

Lionel:
Running!

[first lines]

Jean:
Oh!

Lionel:
What?

Jean:
What are you doing!

Lionel:
Looking at you.

Jean:
What for?

Lionel:
I just was.

Jean:
Well, I don't like people looking at me when I'm asleep.

Lionel:
Well, if you're asleep, how do you know people are looking at you?

Lionel:
[When asked his name by the Registrar] Archibald Hethrington Nastyface

[first lines]

Jean:
[answers doorbell to find John holding two mannequins] Oh.

John:
Mornin'.

Jean:
Morning, John. I don't see, uh...

John:
Well, you did say you'd look after them.

Jean:
Did I?

John:
Oh, yes. Um, would you mind? We don't want them catching cold.

Jean:
Course not. [John carries them into the hall] Oh dear.

John:
Where to?

Jean:
Um. Well, uh... uh, well, in here I suppose.

John:
Where should we put them? On the floor?

Jean:
No, have a bit of respect; let's put them on the sofa. John, are you positive I said I'd look after them?

John:
That's what they said down the charity shop. "Good old Jean," that's what they said.

Jean:
Yes, I bet they did. Won't be for long, will it?

John:
Just till the refurbishing's finished. You know how strapped for space we are at the best of time.

Jean:
Had I had a glass of wine when I made this promise?

John:
Three.

Jean:
Oh. Serves me right then.

John:
Look on the bright side; they don't eat much, do they? [he leaves]

Jean:
Bye. [to the mannequins] You can laugh.

[last lines]

Jean:
I've just been making a guest list for you.

Alistair:
For me?

Lionel:
It's all right, Alistair.

Alistair:
My special lady. You're making a guest list.

Jean:
It's only a provisional one.

Alistair:
Yes, but *you're* making it!

Jean:
Yes, but I...

Alistair:
I mean, do I deserve it? [weeping] Do I deserve to be so happy?

Lionel:
[discussing guest lists for the wedding] Where's your list?

Jean:
It's in here.

Lionel:
How many people on that?

Jean:
Seventy-eight.

Lionel:
*Seventy-eight*?

Jean:
Well, it'll come down a bit.

Lionel:
Oh, really?

Jean:
Yes, well... You must be very careful not to leave people out, they can get very hurt.

Lionel:
Who *are* all these people? I mean, who, who for instance is...

Lionel, Jean:
...Stanley Gilchrist.

Jean:
Well, he's my chiropodist. A sweet man and he hasn't had an easy life.

Lionel:
Oh, if that's the criterion that list's going to get bigger not shorter.

Alistair:
So, how are the battle plans going?

Jean:
Oh.

Judith:
Oh, you know...

Jean:
A shambles!

Alistair:
Then why not let me arrange everything. Hmm? Modesty forbids me to say that I am brilliant at organizing, but

[whistles]

Alistair:
I am brilliant at organizing.

[first lines]

[they are trying on hats]

Judith:
Is this the right way round?

Sandy:
Hard to tell really. Try it on back to front.

Judith:
Oh, I look like Napoleon.

Sandy:
Oh, now look. This is it. This is me. Front cover of the Tattler stuff this is.

Judith:
I can't see your face properly. Put your head back.

[Sandy throws her head back and the hat falls off]

Sandy:
[to the saleslady] Sorry, sorry.

Daisy:
Goodbye, Mr Deacon.

Alistair:
Oh, hey, uh, did I give you my number?

Daisy:
Uh, no need; I've got your number.

[last lines]

Lionel:
when you said 'I do', did you mean it?

Jean:
Yes. Did you?

Lionel:
I suppose I meant I do but with reservations.

Jean:
We don't have to say it at all in the registrar's office. We make a kind of statement.

Lionel:
Don't have the same ring as 'I do', does it?

Jean:
No. Still.

Lionel:
Still... Good night. [he kisses her]

Jean:
Good night.

[they turn out the lights]

Jean:
Lionel?

Lionel:
Yes?

Jean:
I do.

Lionel:
I do too.

[they chuckle]

[an obnoxious Hollywood producer has come to London to see Lionel]

Alistair:
Mike Barbosa stepped off a plane this morning.

Lionel:
Is it too much to hope that it was in midair at the time?

[last lines]

Lionel:
[on one knee proposing] I fell in love with you the first day I met you. And I don't think I've ever stopped loving you. Well, that's it really.

Jean:
I love you too.

Lionel:
Well, that's good.

Jean:
Can I say yes now?

Lionel:
Yes, please.

Jean:
Yes.

Lionel:
There's always something, isn't there?

Jean:
What is it?

Lionel:
My knee's locked.

Jean:
It doesn't matter.

Alistair:
Jean, could you please keep at least one of Lionel's feet on the ground?

Jean:
Not if he's hopping mad.

Mrs. Bale:
Lunch will be served at 1:24.

Rocky:
Is that relevant, Mrs Bale?

Mrs. Bale:
Unless you all want to go hungry, yes!

[first lines]

Lionel:
Nice to be on our own.

Jean:
Yes, it is.

Lionel:
We seem to have been overwhelmed by people lately.

Jean:
I wouldn't say overwhelmed.

Lionel:
I would.

Jean:
I sometimes think there's a hermit in you, trying to get out. You'd be perfectly happy living in a cave somewhere.

Lionel:
Would you move in with me?

Jean:
Only if it had central heating

Lionel:
Well, in case you've forgotten, Shirley Temple's still asleep up there.

Alistair:
So, when are you off to the land of the moose and the maple leaf, Harry?

Harry:
This afternoon. I just came to say goodbye really.

Alistair, Judith, Lionel:
Ah.

Harry:
No I didn't.

[grabs Sandy]

Sandy:
Oh! Harry!

[Harry marches her out of the pub]

Judith:
Well, well, well.

Alistair:
Woof, woof, woof. Old Harry, eh? i wonder what got into the guy.

Lionel:
A bit of backbone, I hope.

Judith:
Well, not before time.

Judith:
What is it that you want ironed?

Lionel:
Nothing.

Judith:
No, not you. Sandy, what is it that you want ironed?

Harry:
I hadn't thought. I've only got one ticket!

Sandy:
Harry!

Jean:
Lionel, what do we do?

Lionel:
Well, there's always standby, I suppose. Perhaps...

Alistair:
[on his mobile] Hello? Gary Pearson please. Well, yes, I'm sure he is. Just say the word Xanadu to him. [pause]

Alistair:
Gary, hi. Alistair Deacon here. Yeah, look, I'm in warp drive. Your 6 o'clock flight to Calgary, fully booked? Mmm. Do I have to say the word Xanadu again? Yeah, two. First class of course. Yeah, well, one's an upgrade and the other, well... She's always been first class. Great, you're a mate, At the desk. OK. So long, cowboy.

[hangs up]

Alistair:
No probs. No no no, no, really. No probs.

Harry:
Alistair. I never thought I'd say this, but... You're a mate.

Alistair:
That means one thing to me, Harry. It's hug time.

Jean:
Have you seen a green folder?

Lionel:
I suppose I must have at some time in my life.

Jean:
Oh, that's no help.

Lionel:
Why not go the whole hog? Why not turn the place into a home for wayward girls and have done with it?

Jean:
Look, that's turning exaggeration into an art form. In case you've forgotten, we've only got one spare room.

Lionel:
Which was Judy's. Which is what this is all about, isn't it.

Sandy:
Will you stop frog marching me about? [Harry kisses her] Oh.

Harry:
Sandy, I love you and I want you to marry me and come to Canada with me.

Sandy:
Oh. [shocked]

Harry:
I don't say enough, you see. I-I mean to but I don't because when I do it generally comes out all wrong anyway.

Sandy:
Oh. [softly]

Harry:
[in a rush] When I found out about the attachment to Canada, you were the first person I told. And d'you know what I wanted? I wanted you to say something. I mean, how pathetic is that? Sandy, I'm just a copper. It's not enough to offer someone like you. But I finally realized that that's all I *can* offer... The thought of being that far away without you, the thought of you not being in my life at all. It's not on. It's not on. Sandy, you've got to marry me, and you've got to come to Canada with me, and... Well, that's it, really.

Sandy:
For somebody who doesn't say enough, you did rather well.

Harry:
So?

Sandy:
Harry, we can't get married!

Harry:
What?

Sandy:
*Here* I mean. If we're going to Canada this afternoon, then we don't have time, do we?

Harry:
Oh.

Sandy:
That is a yes, by the way.

[they hug]

Harry:
We'll get married in Calgary.

Sandy:
Oh, I've always wanted to get married in Calgary.

Harry:
I think I need to sit down.

Sandy:
Yes, so do I. So, what time do we have to be at Heathrow?

Harry:
Four.

Sandy:
Four? Oh!

Harry:
What are you doing?

Sandy:
I'm phoning the pub for reinforcements.

[first lines]

Lionel:
You're bound to miss her at first.

Jean:
Miss who?

Lionel:
Your daughter, the one who just got married.

Jean:
I was just seeing what she'd left behind, that's all.

Lionel:
Yes, and I was thinking of taking up kickboxing.

[last lines]

Lionel:
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy some of this peace and quiet. Good night.

Jean:
Good night. I think I'll read for a little.

Lionel:
Oh, and if I start to wither away during the night, give me a shake. [he starts chuckling]

Jean:
What?

Lionel:
Nothing. Just thinking about the two of us blundering about in the Andes. The Andes!

Jean:
Yes. Silly. [she starts reading her brochure, "Trekking in the Andes"]

[first lines]

Jean:
Do you think there are any hedgehogs up here?

Lionel:
Not unless they have oxygen masks. Why?

Jean:
I can hear a sort of snuffling noise.

Lionel:
That's me, breathing. Shall we have a little rest?

Jean:
Oh, it's not far to the top now.

Lionel:
I know, but shall we have a little rest?

Jean:
Oh, yes.

Lionel:
Oh!

Jean:
Oh!

Lionel:
Why do we have to have a picnic on top of a mountain?

Jean:
Well it's Madge and Rocky's idea. It's only a hill.

Lionel:
Of the mountainous variety.

Jean:
Oh come on, Tensing, one last thrust to the top. We can plant a little Union Jack when we get there.

Lionel:
If. That's an if.

Rocky:
Well, we must be whizzing too. We've got to get down to Brighton.

Lionel:
What are you doing in Brighton?

Madge:
Stock car racing.

Lionel:
You're not!

Madge:
We're watching! We're watching!

[last lines]

[Jean kisses Lionel on the cheek]

Lionel:
I shouldn't do that. You might catch what I've got.

Jean:
Well I think I've got it anyway.

Lionel:
Oh dear. You hopping in?

Jean:
No, I'm just going to lie down for a bit. Two things: no Doctor Death, and no goose fat and brown paper.

Lionel:
Right. You'd better have this. [Lionel starts ringing the bell]

Jean:
[about Mrs Bale] You see. She said, "Nonsense."

Lionel:
She's said that about illness ever since I've known her. If I walked in here with a spear sticking out of my chest, she'd just say: "Do pull that out; it's ruining your shirt."

[first lines]

Man in Photo Booth:
Do you mind, Granddad?

Lionel:
Sorry.

[last lines]

Judith:
[to Jean] Yes, I have been listening at the door. [to Lionel] And you are an ungrateful old bugger. She won't tell you, she's as stiff-necked as you are, but I will. My mum just lost several thousand pounds worth of business to come and prop up your ego.

[Judith leaves]

Lionel:
Why would you do that?

Jean:
Well, because I care. There is room in your life for someone who cares, is there?

Lionel:
You did laugh.

Jean:
Oh, shut up and have some tea.

Lionel:
There's no chance of that being brandy, I suppose.

Jean:
No [laughs] None whatsoever.

Alistair Deacon:
I'm not bi, Li.

[first lines]

[Lionel can be heard grunting in the change cubicle]

Jean:
He's not fighting someone in there, is he?

Suit Salesman:
I'll inquire. Ahem. Is Sir all right in there?

Lionel:
No, Sir is not all right in here. Sir is hot, and sick and tired of getting in and out of suits, and taking his shoes off and putting them back on again. In fact Sir is becoming claustrophobic and completely brassed off.

Suit Salesman:
Well, that was an outburst.

Jean:
Railing.

Suit Salesman:
I beg your pardon?

Jean:
Railing. He does that sometimes.

Suit Salesman:
About trying on suits?

Jean:
Oh, about anything. You name it; he can rail against it.

Suit Salesman:
Well, I wouldn't like his blood pressure.

Jean:
Oh, no, once he's had a good rail, he's quite himself again.

[last lines]

Lionel:
You see, just getting by isn't enough any more.

Jean:
Are you suggesting that I'm expensive?

Lionel:
I'm suggesting that for me, 'getting by' isn't enough any more. And I don't want to go back to Kenya.

Jean:
Why?

Lionel:
Oh, that's a pretty coy question.

Jean:
I'd like to know.

Lionel:
Well, let's face it, we can't wait another thirty-eight years before we see each other again, can we?

Jean:
Do the girls in the office really call me "crabapple"?

Sandy:
No, they stopped that.

Jean:
Oh, good.

Sandy:
They call you "iron-drawers" now.

Waiter:
[as he clears the table after the first course] Did you enjoy that, madam? Sir?

Lionel:
Compared to pushing a pea up Vesuvius with my nose, it was a delightful experience.

[last lines]

Waitress:
Excuse me, sir, will you be dining in the restaurant this evening? Only we're expecting a large party of Finns.

Lionel:
No, that's all right; I'll be checking out this afternoon.

Waitress:
Yes, sir.

Lionel:
Oh, and, um, take the cider away, would you?

Waiter:
[Lionel has a bare foot on the floor of the restaurant to stop his leg cramp] Did you enjoy the main course, madam?

Judith:
Yes, it was very nice. [mouths at Lionel] Placating.

Waiter:
Sir?

Lionel:
Extraordinary.

[Waiter picks up Lionel's sock off the floor, and Lionel grabs it]

Lionel:
You can see the result. It blew my sock and shoe off.

Waiter:
Yes, sir. Would you like dessert?

Judith:
Just coffee, I think.

Lionel:
Yes, just coffee. If the dessert is as outstanding as the rest of the meal, I could end up trouserless.

Judith:
She threw her shoe at the window.

Jean:
Oh, did it break?

Judith:
It's toughened glass.

Jean:
I meant the shoe.

Judith:
No, I don't think so.

Jean:
Pity.

Judith:
It's all in the mind, age.

Jean:
What, you mean dying brain cells?

Jean:
If he's a heterosexual, show your legs.

Judith:
That's a sexist remark.

Jean:
Well, it's two sexist remarks, actually.

[first lines]

Waitress:
Good morning, sir. One?

[Lionel looks around himself]

Waitress:
This way, sir.

[Lionel goes to a different table]

Waitress:
This is a table for six, sir.

Lionel:
I may be joined by someone. I may be joined by five people. If I'm joined by eleven people, I may need to move to a table for twelve.

Waitress:
Very well, sir. How will you be paying, cash or charge to the room?

Lionel:
I haven't ordered anything yet.

Waitress:
Sorry. sir. What would you like? We are serving brunch.

Lionel:
Are you? I assume between lunch and dinner you serve linner.

Waitress:
No, sir. Tea.

[first lines]

Lionel:
[on the telephone] Absolute nonsense. No, I'm sorry. [pause] No, no, definitely not. Goodbye.

Jean:
Who was that you were charming?

Lionel:
Alastair. Wanted me to write another book.

Jean:
Oh, what a good idea.

Lionel:
It's a terrible idea! Autobiography, he said. I've already done my autobiography: "My Life in Kenya".

Jean:
Yes, which was very... very...

Lionel:
You're struggling, aren't you.

Jean:
No, I'm not; I'm just searching for the right word. Absorbing. Yes, that's the word.

Lionel:
Perhaps to the three people who read it.

I saw you and I stopped breathing.

There was a warmth about her,oh she had a temper - her eyes could go quite flinty. She had that rarest of qualities, the ability to forgive without a hint of rancour. She never tried to BE anything..she was someone you never wanted to hurt.