Bill Engvall: Here's Your Sign Live

Bill Engvall:
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

[about his daughter Emily]

Bill Engvall:
God, she's smart. She took her SAT scores. Didn't take the pre-test, stayed up till midnight the night before...

[pause]

Bill Engvall:
1390.

[applause]

Bill Engvall:
Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And the other to tell you she wants to *retake* the test. I go "what are you, stupid?"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
If I'd have scored 1390 on my SAT scores, I'd have spraypainted it on the side of my car!

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"SAT scores right there, partner!" I wish my SAT scores had four *digits* in it!

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
That *equal* thirteen!

[about having to buy menstrual pads for his daughter]

Bill Engvall:
I go to aisle seventeen, there are like five *thousand* of these things. None of them say "narrow". I'm on the phone with my wife going "please let me come home! No, honey, listen to me, there's no narrow! This one has little butterflies on it! This one plays a little tune!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Who finds them? My son. Who proceeds to scream out "HERE'S THE LITTLE GIRL NARROW PADS, DADDY!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Thank you, son. Listen, honey, I don't think they heard you in *SCOTLAND*!

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
My son is twelve now, and is *really* getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is this: they don't possess what I like to call that... discretionary gene yet. He and I were walking down the street going home from the ballfield the other day, and there was a woman walking towards us who was... gifted.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go "Dude, shut up". She hadn't walked two feet behind us, and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
We had to have the big talk this year. I was on the road, my wife called me. She said "Well, you need to have a talk with YOUR son." Which I find incredibly amusing, that when he's in trouble, I have sole ownership.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
I said "what happened?" She goes, "well, him and his friends were on the internet, and they pulled up one of those sex sites." I was like, "oh, Lord." All right, I said "baby, um, did you write down the name of the site?"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"Just for reference?" She's like "shut up."

Bill Engvall:
My wife and I are standing in the bathroom the other night talking, and my daughter comes in and goes "hey mom, can I borrow your razor?" And I'm like, "for what?" She goes "I wanna shave my legs." And I go "why?"

[pause]

Bill Engvall:
"Ain't nobody gonna be touching them."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Yeah, you think I'm joking. I want my daughter to have those big old monkey har legs.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
You know what I'm talking about? That kind of hairy leg when they pull the socks up, the hair sticks out of the sock.

[having "the talk" about sex with his son]

Bill Engvall:
We were having our little talk, I said "son, when you finally meet this girl, whoever she is, and you fall in love, and you think you might do it." I go, "you gotta swear to me, right now, that you will always use a condom." I said "it prevents diseases, it prevents unwanted pregnancies", and he's kind of looking at me funny, and I said "you know what a condom is, right?" And he goes

Bill Engvall:
[scoff] "Yeah."

Bill Engvall:
I go, "all right." I go "why don't you tell me? So I know you know." And go he goes "dad!" I go "come on." And he goes "a condom... is a rubber thing shaped like a weiner that hums."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
[trying not to laugh] You've been in mama's sock drawer, haven't you?

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Oh, my wife loves that joke. She goes "why do you do that joke? You know I don't have one of those." I go "I know that... just figured if you kept hearing it..."

[laughter]

[about the "missing" gene that tells men when to shut up]

Bill Engvall:
I was in line at the grocery store a couple of months ago. There was a woman in front of me who had, without a doubt, ladies and gentlemen, the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my life.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Don't get me wrong, I love children. This was a Halloween mask with legs, all right?

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
You could not *drink* this baby cute, all right? And I was just mesmerized by this child's ugliess! And the woman looked at me and I panicked, and I went "Wow! Hmm, that's a handsome little man there." And the lady said "*she* is a *little girl*!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Every synapse in my brain is screaming "shut up, man! Just look stupid, like a guy, just look stupid." And my mouth goes "think of the money you'll save on prom dresses!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Women have the power, and that is okay. Because when you relinquish the fact that you have no control, fellas, you get to just be a guy. You don't have to be "the man, and I'm head of the household." Forget that mess. You can just be a guy. Which is *great*! Because if anything goes wrong, you can just go:

[laughs stupidly]

Bill Engvall:
"Sorry! I'm just a guy!"

Bill Engvall:
My wife was going through my car one night. She said looking for a map.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
I know it's bogus. 'Cause every time we drive anywhere, she knows exactly where we're going and has no problem telling me how to get there.

[about the snake handlers on "Animal Planet"]

Bill Engvall:
These are the biggest morons on the planet. 'Cause they're always holding some hugely venomous snake and they go "Oh, look. It's a beautiful black mamba." And you see the snake go

[hisses, and grabs his face]

Bill Engvall:
and latch on their face. Like "ooh, the little fellow's hungry!"

[laughs]

Bill Engvall:
"I need some antivenom." No, you need a bullet in the head!

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
You should not be breeding.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
See, that right there? That's why I don't have my own animal show. 'Cause I'd be like "hey look, everybody. It's a beautiful black mamba."

[hisses and grabs his face again]

Bill Engvall:
"Why, you son of a..."

[pantomimes throwing the snake onto the ground and stomping on it; laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"He's sleeping now."

[watching Steve Irwin]

Bill Engvall:
Did you see where he was messing with the spitting cobras?

[brief laughter]

Bill Engvall:
This was his shining moment of idiocy. He's got this spitting cobra in front of him, all right? And he's making it mad with his backpack. He's going "Oh, look. Look how he stands up when he's angry. Oh, it's all right, little fellow, I'm not going to hurt you." And you could actually see the snake go "that's it"

[hiss]

Bill Engvall:
And he spit poison in Steve's eyes. Well, Steve freaked out. He goes "Oh, my God. He spit poison in my eyes." And y'all, I am *screaming* at my television set

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"THEY'RE SPITTING COBRAS, YOU MORON!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Jesus, didn't you hear the

[hocks a ball of spit in his throat]

Bill Engvall:
? I'm not even a vet and I know that one! You hear

[makes the noise again]

Bill Engvall:
, move!

Bill Engvall:
My wife is as cute a woman as there could ever be on this planet. And she's just... she went to the hair salon one day and they cut her hair and gelled it. And it looked *so* hot. And she came home and she goes "you like my hair?" And I said, "oh, baby." I go "your hair looks fantastic." And her eyes lit up, and smile came across her face, and my brain is thinking "Oh, nice one, Bill. We're going to get sex tonight."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"Now, just shut up."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And my brain goes "How'd they get that greasy look in it?"

[laughter]

[taking his son Travis in for a sports physical]

Bill Engvall:
His only concern about this whole physical was whether he was going to get a shot or not. He goes "dad, am I going to get a shot?" I said, "no, it's your sports physical, there's no shot." Two minutes later: "dad, am I going to get a shot?" And I go "did you not hear me? No shot. Sports physical." Two minutes later: "dad..." And I go "son, a shot... is the least of your worries at this point."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
So we get to the doctor's office, and I'm standing right next to him. The doctor checks his heart, and his lungs and his blood pressure. And all of a sudden the doctor goes "all right, son, take your pants off."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"What'd he say?"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"He wants you to take your pants off."

Bill Engvall:
"Why?"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"It's just part of your sports physical, son."

Bill Engvall:
"We... we wear pants in sports."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"Just take your pants off."

[pantomimes Travis nervously taking his pants off]

Bill Engvall:
The doctor goes "all right, son, take your underwear off."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"Dad." I said, "it's all right." He starts

[pantomimes Travis nervously taking his underwear off, then pauses]

Bill Engvall:
"Am I in trouble for something?"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"Just take your underwear off!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
So he slides those drawers down, and that doctor reached up and just grabbed him.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Do y'all remember that cartoon where the cat would be asleep on the rug, and that little puppy would sneak up behind it and go

[pantomimes a dog barking]

Bill Engvall:
And that cat would scream to the ceiling?

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
That would have been my son if that doctor had not had hold of him.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And he is *flipping out*. And the doctor goes "son, relax. I just want to make sure you've got four." "DAD!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"Two, he meant two. It's a joke! Ha ha ha!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
So the doctor's got a hold of him, and he goes "all right, son, cough." And my son goes

[gives a weak gasp]

Bill Engvall:
And I said "no, boy, cough!" And he goes "I FORGOT HOW!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
All the way home, he won't even look at me. He's just straight out the windshield, boy. Finally, about halfway home, go goes "Dad?" And I said "yeah, son?" And he goes "that was weird." I said "I know." I said "but you've got to get it done, man." And he goes "Well, I know. It was still weird." And I said "yeah. Wait 'till you're forty."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"What happens then?"

[about looking around at colleges with his daughter Emily]

Bill Engvall:
I'll tell you, it's a real slap in the face when you walk onto a college campus with your daughter and you catch some guy checking her out.

[murmurs of agreement]

Bill Engvall:
Yeah. Then I realized it *was* a slap in the face; my wife caught me checking out college chicks.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"Sorry, I'm a guy." Where were the girls like that when I was in college? My friend goes "they were there." Hey, I got the yearbook, my friend. My college yearbook looks like the program from the Eukanuba Dog Show.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And not even the winners.

Bill Engvall:
I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff.

[whoops and hollers]

Bill Engvall:
Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!