Boston Legal

Brad Chase:
I outrank you.

Alan Shore:
And I'm such a slut for authority.

Alan Shore:
Hate to extort and run.

Denny Crane:
[repeated throughout series] Denny Crane...

Gracie Jane:
Gracie Jane.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane.

Gracie Jane:
Gracie Jane.

Denny Crane:
Are you making fun of me?

Denny Crane:
I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load.

Denny Crane:
Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something nobody else knows. I'm homophobic.

Alan Shore:
[deadpan] I'm stunned.

Denny Crane:
[Denny is guarding Alan from his night terrors so he is sleeping in the bed with him] [in his sleep] Denny Crane. Denny Crane. Denny Crane.

Alan Shore:
[Alan gets out of bed and stumbles. He has a rope tied around his leg; the other end is tied to Denny. Alan tries to get up and stumbles again. He tugs on the rope] Hey! Hey!

Denny Crane:
What the hell do you...

Alan Shore:
Get up, Denny. We're going to the bathroom.

Denny Crane:
Untie the knot. [turns over]

Alan Shore:
It takes too long. Let's just... get up!

Denny Crane:
I'm not getting up!

Alan Shore:
It'll take two seconds. [he tugs the rope]

Denny Crane:
It's the middle of the night!

Alan Shore:
Just get up!

Denny Crane:
I'm not gonna get up.

Alan Shore:
Dammit! Get up! [he tugs violently at the rope. Denny is pulled from the bed to the floor] Happy? [stands up]

Denny Crane:
[Denny pulls the rope and Alan falls on top of him. They lie there, face to face] This isn't working for me.

Denny Crane:
You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."

Denny Crane:
Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?

Mark Harrison:
Yes.

Denny Crane:
Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?

Mark Harrison:
Yes.

Denny Crane:
You were fully informed.

Mark Harrison:
I was.

Denny Crane:
You consented.

Mark Harrison:
I did.

Denny Crane:
Take it again?

Mark Harrison:
Absolutely.

Denny Crane:
Like the doctor?

Mark Harrison:
Love him.

Denny Crane:
How's your memory?

Mark Harrison:
My memory's fine.

Denny Crane:
What's my name?

Mark Harrison:
Denny Crane.

Denny Crane:
Like you mean it!

Mark Harrison:
Denny Crane!

Denny Crane:
What's my name?

Mark Harrison:
[shouts] Denny Crane!

Denny Crane:
No further questions.

Denny Crane:
How can you ban red meat?

Dominick Ryan:
Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.

Denny Crane:
We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.

Dominick Ryan:
[Shirley and Dominick stare at him] Is there anything we can do?

Shirley Schmidt:
We'll get an immediate TRO.

Denny Crane:
I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.

Shirley Schmidt:
The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right, the law lacks condiments.

Lori Colson:
Hi. I'm Lori Colson; we haven't officially met.

Catherine Piper:
Hello, dear. Catherine Piper.

Lori Colson:
For the future... I don't really appreciate comments about my hair.

Catherine Piper:
Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn't want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.

Catherine Piper:
Cookies, everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.

Paul Lewiston:
Who is this woman?

Catherine Piper:
Take two, Tara, you're a rail.

Paul Lewiston:
Who is this woman?

Catherine Piper:
The ones on the left have a little bran to help our older lawyers with their routine.

Paul Lewiston:
Who is this woman?

Catherine Piper:
I'm Catherine Piper. I'm Alan's new assistant. My, don't you have an interesting face.

Paul Lewiston:
We are in the middle of a staff meeting.

Catherine Piper:
No need to be snippy, dear. Especially since I come bearing treats. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. [to Lori] You certainly made one... with all that bleach.

Paul Lewiston:
Ma'am, you will have to leave.

Catherine Piper:
I'm beginning to not like you.

Alan Shore:
[to Tara] Hello, I'm a complete stranger and I'm here to pick you up. [notices Joe] Oh, I see, there's two of us. I'll be evens, you be odds.

Joe:
You got a problem?

Alan Shore:
No, actually. I just saw this fair maiden here talking to a tree trunk, and since I'm an arborist I thought I could help translate.

Joe:
Here's a health tip. Walk away.

Alan Shore:
Why would I do that?

Tara Wilson:
All right, guys.

Alan Shore:
Don't be deceived by my cushy appearance.

Tara Wilson:
Excuse me. I actually am with him.

Joe:
I don't care. Walk away, or I lay you out.

Alan Shore:
I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't the object to lay her out? [Joe punches Alan]

Tara Wilson:
Hey!

Joe:
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, I was reaching for my wallet...

Alan Shore:
I see. Allow me to reach for mine. [walks away to the other end of the bar]

Tara Wilson:
Are you all right?

Alan Shore:
Fine. [to Mike and friends] Hello, big people. Sorry to intrude, but you seem rather strapping. Here's three hundred dollars. Would you be so kind as to go hit that man down there?

Mike:
[laughs incredulously] Really?

Tara Wilson:
Alan!

Alan Shore:
There's an extra hundred if he goes down.

Mike:
You're on.

Alan Shore:
Make it a good one.

Tara Wilson:
Oh, for God's sakes.

Alan Shore:
[Mike hits Joe; fistfight ensues. Alan gives money to Mike's friend] Here's a hundred; go help your friend.

Alan Shore:
[watches the fighting] Gee, seems Joe has buddies. [passing out money to Mike's friends] One for you, one for you. I've got plenty of them. Hit him hard, now. For you, and for you...

Alan Shore:
[addressing a Canadian court] Oh, yes, mindful that abroad people tend to expect shock and awe when Yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane, eh?

Alan Shore:
[referring to a book about parasites found on salmon] This book, "A Stain Upon The Sea" it's all about these sea lice.

Denny Crane:
Interesting.

Alan Shore:
They call them cling ons.

Denny Crane:
Did you say Klingons?

Alan Shore:
You have a job to do, and so do I. Yours is to sell socks and suspenders. Mine is to cross examine people like you and crush them. [indicates to Denny Crane] This man here would fire me if I didn't.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane.

Donny Crane:
He's mocking me... Dad, he's mocking me!

Denny Crane:
You're a Crane. Get used to it.

Denny Crane:
[while shaking hands] Denny Crane.

Donny Crane:
Donny Crane.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane.

Donny Crane:
Donny Crane.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane.

Donny Crane:
Donny Crane.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane.

Donny Crane:
Donny Crane.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane.

Donny Crane:
Donny Crane.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane.

Shirley Schmidt:
He is ultimately a benign man who we all happen to care about, including you. I think what you really mean to do is voice your concern unofficially.

Lori Colson:
I'm making an official complaint. If there's forms to be filled out please have them sent to my office.

[Lori walks away]

Shirley Schmidt:
You little b*tch.

Alan Shore:
Shirley? What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me, lusting, say, after... you? Would there?

Shirley Schmidt:
Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.

Alan Shore:
You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.

Denny Crane:
You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!

Shirley Schmidt:
It was the Secretary of Defense.

Alan Shore:
Objection, your Honor. You can't preface your second point with "first of all."

Denny Crane:
[several lawyers from the firm are squeezing past a throng of reporters] Denny Crane, Trix are for Kids... Denny Crane, coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.

Denny Crane:
Massachusetts is a blue state. God has no place here.

Denny Crane:
[walking in on Alan Shore and Shirley Schmidt in the men's room] If she tries to pee standing up, come get me. [after closing the door to the stall] Lock and load!

Sally Heep:
Is that fair?

Alan Shore:
I don't understand the question.

Brian Stevens:
Motion for continuance is denied.

Denny Crane:
You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.

Alan Shore:
[overhearing two co-workers having an argument] You two have had sex!

Al Sharpton:
[bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick...

Alan Shore:
[buts in] And subtle!

Judge Harry Hingham:
[to Sharpton] Who the Hell are you?

Al Sharpton:
[Continues without pause]... The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!

Alan Shore:
[whispers to Sharpton] Gay, not black.

Al Sharpton:
The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?

Judge Harry Hingham:
[Interrupts] Who is this man?

Al Sharpton:
[Continues without stopping] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!

Alan Shore:
And cut! [Applause ensues]

Judge Harry Hingham:
A ho-mo-sexual? That's where we're at now? Santa Clauses being played by ho-mo-sexuals?

Alan Shore:
[mockingly] I believe "homosexual" is one word, judge. But to avoid confusion, let's say "gay".

Alan Shore:
Sally.

[Sally turns to look at Shore]

Alan Shore:
Could I trouble you to do a quick background check? I realize we haven't spoken much since we stopped having sex, and frankly I'm dismayed by that. But, what I need to know is everything you can find out about my new client... .

Gil Furnald:
I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on, it just feels right sometimes.

Denny Crane:
So basically you're a sicko.

Gil Furnald:
I'm not sick.

Denny Crane:
Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?

Gil Furnald:
My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.

Denny Crane:
Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Judge Harry Hingham:
Alright already, I've heard enough. I'm going to rule on this.

Alan Shore:
You can't rule yet!

Judge Harry Hingham:
Why not?

Alan Shore:
I don't know.

Alan Shore:
What's your specialty?

Dr. Allen Konigsberg:
Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce I've been working with him alone.

Alan Shore:
So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?

Denny Crane:
Did something happen? Was I in the room when it happened?

[Denny, Tara, and Lori in Denny's office as Denny loads a rifle, preparing to save Alan from a gunman holding him hostage just outside of Denny's office door]

Denny Crane:
It's okay; I'm an ex-Marine. I was a trained sniper. Or was I a pilot? I can't remember. Anyway, I'm more of a skeet shooter now, so when I say 'pull,' you're going to open that door.

Tara Wilson:
You're insane!

Denny Crane:
Pull! [Tara opens the door; Denny fires]

Denny Crane:
It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans... we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys.

[both with a cigar in an ear]

Denny Crane:
We look good together.

Alan Shore:
Yes, we do.

Denny Crane:
You're one of those environmental lawyers?

Peter Barrett:
Is there something wrong with that?

Denny Crane:
They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment.

Alan Shore:
All reality, none of it scripted.

Judge Sean O'Byrne:
I find it insulting to be lectured by an American about the environment.

Denny Crane:
Watch it, judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis.

Catherine Piper:
I've been Schmidt-canned!

Denny Crane:
It's fun being me!

[after thoughtful pause] Is it fun being you?

Alan Shore:
Most of the time.

Denny Crane:
I don't know whether you know this but not many men take the time, every day, to have a cigar, glass of scotch, to talk to their best friend. That's not something most men have.

Alan Shore:
No it isn't.

Denny Crane:
What I give to you, what I share, I do with no one else. I like to think that what you give to me you do with nobody else. Now that may sound silly to you. But here's what I think is silly, the idea that jealousy or fidelity is reserved for romance. I always suspected that there was a connection between you and that man. That you got something you didn't get from me.

Alan Shore:
I probably do. But gosh, what I get from you Denny. People walk around today calling everyone their best friend. The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting, birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they barely met, and everyone just loves everyone. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn't much heard. I love you Denny, you are my best friend. I can't imagine going through life without you as my best friend. I'm not going to kiss you however.

Denny Crane:
TiVo me, will ya?

Denny Crane:
[talking to Alan on the balcony] The only thing to be scared of son is tomorrow. I don't live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it.

Denny Crane:
I can act... I have an Emmy.

Alan Shore:
[listening to the news on TV at the office] That's Bernie!

Tara Wilson:
Who?

Alan Shore:
The little skillet-welding client from last week, he's whacked another one. He promised me he wouldn't.

[knocks on Bernard Ferrion's front door repeatedly]

Bernard Ferrion:
[open's door] Alan.

Alan Shore:
[walks inside] What have you done now?

Bernard Ferrion:
There's a awful lot of excitement.

Alan Shore:
I saw, both live and on the news. You've been flaying again with your frying pan, haven't you, Bernard?

Bernard Ferrion:
I never meant for it to happen.

Alan Shore:
I am very disappointed. I gave you a terrific speech last week, Bernie, appealing to the kind inner you. It was wonderful - poignant, even, and how you have completely mooted it by committing murder again.

Bernard Ferrion:
I never meant to kill her!

Alan Shore:
Well, what? You just went over there to make an omelet and things got out of hand?

Shirley Schmidt:
Do not make yourself the story. The jury needs to be focused on him.

Denny Crane:
[incredulous] Did you just say don't make me the story?

Alan Shore:
You know we have a little saying in Massachusetts, "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die." [Melvin looks startled] Until then!

Attorney Melvin Palmer:
Oh! [he starts to laugh] You. You dog. [he leaves] Ah...

Alan Shore:
Ah, Denny, I've hardly seen you this episode.

Denny Crane:
[to Alan about the riot on television] 100 women there, and you didn't invite me. That's 200 breasts! And you kept them all to yourself.

Alan Shore:
Let me tell me two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.

Lester Tremont:
That's three things.

Alan Shore:
See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.

Denny Crane:
Now, Alan, if all else fails and you think you've lost... pretend you've won! Works for our president.

Alan Shore:
Denny, I'm going to miss you.

Denny Crane:
I'm not going anywhere!

Alan Shore:
I've been married; of course you are.

Alan Shore:
You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.

Denny Crane:
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.

Alan Shore:
Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."

Denny Crane:
Just once I wish you'd quote a Republican.

Alan Shore:
I want a kindler and gentler nation.

Alan Shore:
Denny, I refuse to shoot you.

Denny Crane:
You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?"

Alan Shore:
"Where would we be..."

Guantanamo Marine General:
[is being questioned at trial, mutters under breath about Alan] Snide-ass.

Alan Shore:
Your Honor, I move to strike. He's never seen my ass.

Denny Crane:
[walking through a crowd of reporters] dennycranelaw.com. Pictures, bios, hobbies. I once captained my own spaceship. Muli-talented.

Denny Crane:
May I express a thought, because I so rarely get one, and I should preface this by saying that I'm so far up the ass of big business I view the world as one giant colon.

Shirley Schmidt:
[Seeing Judge Brown coming in the courtroom] My god, he got a bigger gavel.

Denny Crane:
We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.

Denny Crane:
Ban red meat! That cannot pass constitutional mustard.

Paul Lewiston:
There's no opportunity to plead this out?

Alan Shore:
Only if I plead guilty which is, of course, unacceptable. I have to worry about a three strikes law since I plan to commit future crimes.

Denny Crane:
You know, the best part of my marriages has always been the first day.

Alan Shore:
Just married. Grand thing. But for me there was nothing more devastatingly lonely than being married for a while.

Denny Crane:
You never talk about your wife. What was she like?

Alan Shore:
She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.

Denny Crane:
Sounds spectacular. What happened?

Alan Shore:
She began to know me too well, and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, that's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.

Paul Lewiston:
Let me make this simple for you, Mister Shore.

Alan Shore:
Please, call me Alan, I feel we've grown close.

Paul Lewiston:
You will be present in court at the table because your sudden absence would send a strange message to the jury that might compromise our case, but Denny will ask the questions. If you attempt to ask the witness anything at all, you will be fired.

Alan Shore:
There's a legal term for this. Ah, yes, "Oooooh."

Denny Crane:
Do you believe in God, Doctor?

Dr. Amanda Gerard:
I do.

Denny Crane:
"God is my witness." That's what it says in the oath. I like to think God watches over me, too... Except, of course, in the privacy of my bedroom committing lewd acts.

Judge Dale Wallace:
Mr. Crane.

Denny Crane:
When God strips you of your talent, he should at least have the decency to strip away the memory of having had it.

Alan Shore:
One last proposal. And it's entirely possible I'm kidding, by the way, depending upon your reaction. $300,000 - sealed. We kick back 50 to you, under the table.

Attorney Braxton Mason:
Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney.

Alan Shore:
Really? Gosh, I am.

Attorney Braxton Mason:
I should report you directly to the Bar, if not the District Attorney.

Alan Shore:
Well, if that's how you feel, then I *was* kidding.

[Shirley Schmidt is sending Alan to New Orleans to help out on a case]

Denny Crane:
I just heard! New Orleans! My penis is already packed!

Alan Shore:
Denny, I would love for you to join, but this particular excursion is a rather serious one. Maybe you and I could go another time.

Denny Crane:
Are you nuts? That damned tornado wiped out half the place. There's no time like the present. Alan, we must seize the hookers - uh, the day.

Alan Shore:
You know, Denny, technically it wasn't so much a tornado as a hurricane. And you're holding a kazoo.

Denny Crane:
Not just any kazoo. A trombone kazoo. A go-to-New-Orleans-under-the-pretext-of-some-legal-case-to-play-with-a-Dixie-land-band kazoo.

Vanessa Walker:
I only have two plane tickets.

Denny Crane:
Oh, gee, I only have a Gulf Stream.

Alan Shore:
I think Denny wants to come, Vanessa.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane: Down on the Bayou.

[Alan and Denny talk on the balcony about how horrible it must have been in New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina]

Alan Shore:
I tried closing my eyes again... to imagine. I couldn't. Nobody could, I suppose, unless they were there.

Denny Crane:
I was there. Well, I flew over in my Gulf Stream. Doesn't that count?

Alan Shore:
To some.

Shirley Schmidt:
Denny! You're back.

Denny Crane:
I am? I am. And I'm all here.

Shirley Schmidt:
Congratulations on your big victory, it's all over the news. Married?

Denny Crane:
No.

Shirley Schmidt:
You tried.

Denny Crane:
I did.

Denny Crane:
Shirley. This is a sweeps episode.

Shirley Schmidt:
I'm not kissing you.

Denny Crane:
Shirley! I'm in my seventies. I'm still a physical specimen, but you never know. What if I drop dead one day? You never got that last tonsil brushing.

Shirley Schmidt:
You always present the most ethically challenging what-ifers.

Alan Shore:
You ever wonder if you and I are la-la?

Denny Crane:
Don't be ridiculous. We're flamingos. And good ones.

Alan Shore:
I have nothing further.

A.D.A. John Lennox:
I have nothing, Judge.

Judge Robert Sanders:
All right, this would probably be a good time for a... a bowel movement. Uh, uh, lunch, I... I mean lunch. Uh... two o'clock.

Alan Shore:
Could we say two-thirty and make time for both?

Judge Robert Sanders:
Silence! I won't stand for your... your...

Alan Shore:
Poop?

Alan Shore:
In the meantime, how about trying a case with me? I've got a guy charged with trying to help his brother get away with murder.

Denny Crane:
Is he guilty?

Alan Shore:
100 percent.

Denny Crane:
Count me in.

Denny Crane:
So, you and Shirley. Gives us something in common.

Ivan Tiggs:
Hell of a woman!

Denny Crane:
Gives us something else in common.

Ivan Tiggs:
What's that?

Denny Crane:
We're both leading men. We're like stars of our own show; only the star doesn't have *one* leading lady. Oh, sure. Sometimes at the end of an episode... looks like he's settling down with someone, but next week, she's not there, it's somebody else. It's a way of holding up viewer interest.

Ivan Tiggs:
You're a strange man, Denny

Denny Crane:
A strange leading man.

Lori Colson:
If a man tries to nail everything that moved he would be called...

Denny Crane:
[walks up to group to chime in] Denny Crane!

Denny Crane:
[thoughtfully says] Judge Brown

Shirley Schmidt:
Come again?

Denny Crane:
I don't like it when you say that, Shirley. It puts pressure on me.

Alan Shore:
Denny Crane!

Denny Crane:
Alan Shore!

Alan Shore:
Leaders of men!

Denny Crane:
With bulleyes on our asses!

Alan Shore:
I have no defense, Denny. I broke the law.

Denny Crane:
So?

Alan Shore:
So, usually in these situations I go with jury nullification. Persuade the jury to focus on the moral, not the legal, but here it makes no difference! What I did was unethical, immoral, illegal...

Denny Crane:
You're being so negative.

Alan Shore:
I need you to close.

Denny Crane:
What do you mean?

Alan Shore:
I'll try the case, but at the end I need somebody else to stand before the jury and say, "Let the man go."

Denny Crane:
And you want me to do that?

Alan Shore:
There was a day when all you had to do was say your name.

Denny Crane:
That's still all I do.

Alan Shore:
Denny, I find in life, and I know you must, that craft doesn't matter so much if one is a big enough star. You've spent your entire life getting away with who and what you are, because you're a star!

Denny Crane:
Big star. I blow solar flares out of my ass.

Alan Shore:
I need your start power here. I need you to stand up before that jury when we're done and tell them, "Let Alan Shore go!"

Denny Crane:
Really?

Alan Shore:
I have a gut feeling it's my best shot.

Denny Crane:
Let him go! Denny Crane. I'll do it.

Denny Crane:
I love you Shirley, I'm not ashamed to say it.

Shirley Schmidt:
If you love me, then you'll want me to be happy, even if I'm not with you.

Denny Crane:
I don't love you that much.

Jerry 'Hands' Espenson:
I've handled multinational corporate bankruptcies, high-profile murder cases, and defended manufacturing giants against product liability charges.

Shirley Schmidt:
Yes?

Jerry 'Hands' Espenson:
And you assign me the duck lady!

Shirley Schmidt:
Is she just sitting alone in your office?

Jerry 'Hands' Espenson:
She has the duck! I can only surmise you did this because, one, you're hazing me since I'm the new guy again, or two, you think my Asperger's allows me to relate to anyone colorful, or three, you're having second thoughts about rehiring me.

Shirley Schmidt:
It's four. I'm a name partner and I don't - underscore - have to explain myself to you.

Jerry 'Hands' Espenson:
Well, that's a conversation-stopper.

Catherine Piper:
Is it possible to request the Robert Blake jury?

Alan Shore:
[Reading a book about sea lice that are threating the salmon population] Oh my God. This book? The Stain Upon the Sea? It's all about these sea lice.

Denny Crane:
Interesting.

Alan Shore:
They call them cling-ons.

Denny Crane:
Did you say Klingons?

Nora Jacobs:
This is very awkward. I'm not even sure you're the right person to come to, but you're a woman.

Shirley Schmidt:
That's very kind.

Denny Crane:
This is boring crap.

Denny Crane:
She's not good for you, Alan. [referring to Judge Gloria Weldon]

Alan Shore:
Why not?

Denny Crane:
She just isn't. A woman knows these things. Trust me.

Alan Shore:
Denny, you're not a woman.

Denny Crane:
Whatever!

Denny Crane:
Women!

Alan Shore:
Can't live with them.

Denny Crane:
Can't take 'em quail hunting.

Denny Crane:
Don't waste your time trying to get into my head. There's nothing there.

Lori Colson:
Your Honor, if we wanted to argue Insanity, we simply could have plead it.

Judge Phillip Stevens:
Except you don't want to argue it, Counsel. You want to argue Not Guilty and have Insanity as a fall-back. Two defenses for the price of one.

Lori Colson:
I'm sure you'll properly instruct against Insanity.

Judge Phillip Stevens:
Yes. And I'm sure the Jury will listen.

Wolfgang Blitzkrieg:
Wolfgang Blitzkrieg, with the best political news team in television...

Alan Shore:
I'm sorry, Denny.

Denny Crane:
No you're not. You're relieved.

Alan Shore:
Well, I'm that, too. But if you truly loved her then I am sorry.

Denny Crane:
...

Alan Shore:
Denny?

Denny Crane:
There's no need to be sorry, Alan. Love, even when it's fleeting, even if it's for a day or two...it's everything. Don't you agree?

Alan Shore:
I do. I actually think it's why I'm still single. Every morning I get to wake up and I get to wonder: "Will this be the day?" Every night when I lay my head on my pillow I wonder: "Will I meet her tomorrow?" I imagine what she'll look like, her smile, the way she does her hair, how she laughs, the contour of her breasts, neck... The promise of love can be everything. It's a magic you really find in marriage if you luck out.

Denny Crane:
Do you believe married people can stay in love?

Alan Shore:
Oh, I believe thy can know even more profound joys be it with children, the depth of the relationship itself can evolve into something they can't possibly live without. And yet, it's something that doesn't quite so resemble love. It's not the romance of love.

Denny Crane:
I never knew you to be such a romantic.

Alan Shore:
My problem is I'm too romantic. No woman can possibly live up to the promise of tomorrow that love holds for me.

Denny Crane:
What about me?

Alan Shore:
That not the same. You know one thing I do love about you?

Denny Crane:
Tell me!

Alan Shore:
While many people embrace the promise of tomorrow, too few celebrate the joy of now. And nobody does that like Denny Crane.

Denny Crane:
Let me tell you something. When you got polar ice caps melting and breaking off into big chunks and you got Osama still hiding in a cave, planning his next attack, when you got other rogue nations with nuclear arsenals, and not to mention some wack-job, home-grown that can cancel you at any second and when you got...mad cow, now gets high priority. And when you're still on the balcony on a clear night, sipping scotch with your best friend, now is everything.

Alan Shore:
Here's to that.

Denny Crane:
Here's to now.

Wolfgang Blitzkrieg:
[On TV]... With the best political news team ever assembled in the hist - [TV is switched off]

Denny Crane:
Alan, you know, one thing you sometimes forget is, no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices, how complex your ethical decisions, you always get to choose what you have for lunch.

Alan Shore:
Daily, I am amazed at your inexhaustible ability to just live.

Denny Crane:
It's either that or die.

Alan Shore:
Jerry, you're in luck. Mr. Kupfer is my favorite opposing counsel. He's smart, eloquent, a pleasure to watch, and every time I go up against, him he obligingly loses.

A.D.A. Douglas Kupfer:
You know, if the U.S. really wanted to torture detainees, they could sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating.

Alan Shore:
You have no idea.

Ivan Tiggs:
I brought wine, cheese, and condoms. I thought we'd picnic.

Shirley Schmidt:
Missy came to my office today.

Ivan Tiggs:
Ah! So just the wine and cheese.

Shirley Schmidt:
Ivan, always good doing business with you.

Ivan Tiggs:
Yes, it is.

Denny Crane:
Nothing worse than having your heart crushed and your pride stung all on the same day.

Shirley Schmidt:
My God, we have the fastest water cooler in town. I feel like such a fool.

Denny Crane:
Ah, forget it. If anyone knows about being a fool it's Denny Crane.

Carl Sack:
[Arguing, in court, about television age-ism] You know, the only show unafraid to have its stars over 50 is "Bo..."...

Carl Sack:
Gee, I can't say it. [ - gesturing toward the cameras and the audience - ] It would, um, break the wall.

Denny Crane:
[Discussing their upcoming case - and the series finale] Hey, maybe I'll retire after this.

Alan Shore:
Don't be ridiculous...

Denny Crane:
Well, what better way to go out? My last case - in front of the Supreme Court. Now there's a finale, Alan.

Alan Shore:
They should put it on TV.

Denny Crane:
We'd get ratings.

Alan Shore:
If they promoted us. Of course, I think there's a law against promoting us.

Denny Crane:
Seems to be.

Alan Shore:
[Later in scene] Oh, won't they be so happy to see us again?

Denny Crane:
The rematch.

Alan Shore:
[laughs] The rematch.

Denny Crane:
Grand finale.

Alan Shore:
Special 9:00 start time.

Alan Shore:
People forgo newspapers for the Internet, where instead of relying on credentialed journalists, they turn to these bloggers... sort of entry-level life-forms, that intellectually have yet to emerge from the primordial ooze...

Denny Crane:
[On being allowed to attend a trial in Virginia] Carl, Virginia's a swing state; I've always wanted to swing.

Carl Sack:
Denny...

Denny Crane:
Carl, we need to bond. Hell man, this is our last season.

Father Michael Ryan:
And suddenly he's swinging the axe. I put my hand out and he chopped it. He cut three of my fingers right off. They just fell to the floor.

A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg:
And then what happened, sir?

Father Michael Ryan:
Well, I was rushed to the hospital. Two of my fingers were recovered and re-attached. And then his colleague, that woman, came in brandishing my third finger. She wouldn't give it back unless I revealed privileged information about one of my parishioners. He cut it off and she extorted me with it.

Shirley Schmidt:
My first question would be... if someone is swinging an axe, why stick your hand out?

Father Michael Ryan:
I didn't think he'd actually try to...

Shirley Schmidt:
And to be clear, when you speak of your parishioner, you refer to the man charged with kidnapping the child.

Father Michael Ryan:
Well, yes.

Shirley Schmidt:
And also to be clear... you knew your parishioner was a pedophile.

Father Michael Ryan:
I am not going to reveal privileged information to you, just like I wouldn't to him.

Shirley Schmidt:
But you did reveal information to Miss Bauer. You told her where your parishioner's hideaway was. You'll reveal privileged information to get your fingers back, but not to save the life of a child.

A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg:
Objection.

Judge Clark Brown:
Sustained!

Shirley Schmidt:
As a policy, if a pedophile killer confesses his crime, you'll protect that secret.

Father Michael Ryan:
I cannot break the confessional seal. It's Canon Law.

Shirley Schmidt:
Is that stupid?

A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg:
Objection!

Shirley Schmidt:
[judge raises hand] I'm sorry. But the laws in this country to protect against child abuse supersede doctor-patient privilege, lawyer-client privilege, but not priest-parishioner privilege? Has the Catholic Church earned some special exemption when it comes to pedophiles?

A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg:
Objection!

Shirley Schmidt:
[judge raises hand] Do we trust them more in this area?

Father Michael Ryan:
That's a cheap shot.

Shirley Schmidt:
I've been known to take them.

Denny Crane:
I can't fly.

Alan Shore:
You're just discovering this?

Paul Lewiston:
Denny, have you seen Shirley?

Denny Crane:
Naked?

Alan Shore:
People walk around calling everyone there best friend. The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting. Birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague the barely met. Everyone just loves everyone. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today. It isn't much heard. I love you Denny, you are my best friend. I couldn't imagine going through life without you as my best friend.

Alan Shore:
We're actually sitting in a court room, wasting tax dollars, because my client had gas. He was constipated, he went to remedy his problem, in a bathroom, imagine that, where low and behold, three undercover police officers were lurking, waiting, to interpret a tapping foot as a call for gay sex. Now, maybe Larry Craig deserved his fate, thrown in front of the very bus he helped to build, but Denny Crane doesn't deserve this, all he was trying to do was take a crap.

Alan Shore:
[Denny and Carl enter the courtroom] You must be joking

A.A.G. Norman Wood:
Commonwealth has waived conflict

Judge Clark Brown:
Wait a sec. The same firm for both sides?

Denny Crane:
Saves on guest casting

Alan Shore:
I'm giving notice. I believe two weeks is standard. Now step aside, Paul, before I push you to the ground and go to the bathroom on you.

Judge Robert Sanders:
I think I have enough probable cause, Mister Shoop!

Alan Shore:
Actually, your Honor, since our last get-together, I've changed my name from Shoop to Shore. I figured since it's already on my driver's license and passport, not to mention all the pleadings before you - though I'd never presume you to read pleadings of course, they're ...

Judge Robert Sanders, Alan Shore:
Jibber jabber!

Melissa Hughes:
[to Alan Shore, about Chelina Hall] Don't fall for her, Alan. She's just a guest star.

Chelina Hall:
God, the last time I saw you...

Alan Shore:
I believe it was a Sunday, then I was taken off the air, you went off to do movies, I got switched to Tuesdays and...

Chelina Hall:
Here we are... with old footage.

Denny Crane:
Crane comes before Schmidt.

Shirley Schmidt:
You are referring of course to when we were intimate.

Shirley Schmidt:
[to Alan Shore] Since I'm your boss, I can't return your sexual banter, but I will state for the record that if I were looking for a rattle, he would be younger. He would be better-looking. He would be something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish and, judging from what I saw in the mirror when I first came in, he would be *bigger*. Much.

Denny Crane:
You left me; and for a secretary!

Shirley Schmidt:
Denny; it was the Secretary of Defense.

Denny Crane:
I don't fear death - never have. But I do fear being hooked up to a machine ... would you want to live like that?

Alan Shore:
No, Denny, if it came to that, I'd pull the plug.

Denny Crane:
Pull the plug? That's no way to die. I want you to shoot me!

Judge Floyd Hurwitz:
Step up here, Counsel.

Alan Shore:
This is never good when they ask me to step up.

Judge Floyd Hurwitz:
You think I'm an idiot?

Alan Shore:
Judge, I cannot be held accountable for what I do with straight lines lobbed right over the plate.

Judge Floyd Hurwitz:
How would you like to be held in contempt, Mr. Wisenheimer?

Alan Shore:
Again, Judge, that was a beach ball straight down the middle.

Judge Floyd Hurwitz:
Two days. Put him in the same cell with his client. They can discuss her wedding plans.

Alan Shore:
You can't plan a wedding in two days!

Denny Crane:
Shirley, this is a sweeps episode!

[to the jury]

Alan Shore:
Last night I went to bed with a book, not nearly as much fun as a 29 year old, but the book contained a speech by Adlai Stevenson. The year was 1952, he said 'The tragedy of our day is the climate of fear in which we live and fear breeds repression. Too often sinister threats to the Bill of Rights, to freedom of the mind, are concealed under the cloak of anti-Communism.' Today, it's the cloak of anti-Terrorism. Stevenson also remarked that it's far easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. I know we are all afraid, but the Bill of Rights, we have to live up to that, we simply must.

Denny Crane:
Why Alan? That's all I'm gonna ask. Why?

Alan Shore:
Some people see things as they are and ask why? Others see things as they never were and claim mad cow.

Alan Shore:
Speaking as an enormously unlikable person, I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those who wish to kill me. Don't you?

Lori Colson:
[no response and walks away]

Alan Shore:
Yes... Perhaps you'll find that witty comeback in your office.

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane, Reasonable Doubt for a reasonable fee.

Denny Crane:
Que seran, seran.

Alan Shore:
Sera.

Denny Crane:
Really? I thought it was seran.

Alan Shore:
No. Sera.

Denny Crane:
What's seran?

Alan Shore:
It's a wrap - keeps sandwiches fresh.

Alan Shore:
Jerry... you know I have tremendous affection for my own intelligence, and even I think you are smarter than me.

Jerry Espenson:
Oh, I am.

[Regarding a nervous habit of a colleague]

Alan Shore:
It helps him think; it's a peccadillo.

Denny Crane:
A peccadillo? I don't have any peccadilloes.

Alan Shore:
What's your name?

Denny Crane:
Denny Crane.

Alan Shore:
She's certainly limber for a woman her age.

Denny Crane:
I'd like to be alone with my phone... just 15 minutes.

Denny Crane:
I didn't proposition her. I merely asked her to sleep with me.

Alan Shore:
My, uh, best friend has Alzheimer's, in the, uh, very early stages, it hasn't... He is a grand lover of life, and will be for some time. I believe even when his mind starts to really go, he'll still fish he'll laugh and love, and as it progresses he'll still want to live because there will be value for him, in a friendship, in a cigar... The truth is I don't think he will ever come to me and say, this is the day I want to die, but the day is coming and he won't know it... This is perhaps the, the most insidious thing about Alzheimer's... but you see he trusts me to know when that day has arrive, he trusts me... to safe guard his dignity, his legacy, and self respect. He trusts me to prevent his end from becoming a mindless piece of mush and I will. It will be an unbearably painful... thing for me, but I will do it, because I love him. I will end his suffering, because it is the only decent humane and loving thing a person can do.

Jerry Espenson:
During the strike I fell in love...

Katie Lloyd:
What strike?

Jerry Espenson:
It doesn't matter...

Jeffery Coho:
So if you could get your son treatment, and avenge her at the same time...

Michael Schiller:
This isn't about vengeance, you disgusting cockroach!

Judge Harvey Cooper:
Mr Schiller!

Lincoln Meyer:
That's what you get, Mr Dirty Mouth, Mr Lawyer Man Dirty Pants!

Judge Harvey Cooper:
Mr Meyer sit down or I will have you removed!

Denny Crane:
Wanna pull my string?

Alan Shore:
Maybe later.

[Both simultaneously puff their cigars]

Catherine Piper:
All I'm saying is, if you killed two people... there couldn't be a better time to turn to Jesus Christ, your savior.

Bernard Ferrion:
Under normal circumstances I'd agree.

Catherine Piper:
But?

Bernard Ferrion:
I'm Jewish.

Catherine Piper:
Bernie, there has never been a Jewish serial killer.

Bernard Ferrion:
Son of Sam. David Berkowitz.

Catherine Piper:
He was adopted. Genetically, he's one of ours.

Bernard Ferrion:
Well, what are you saying?

Catherine Piper:
I'm saying that if you're out there murdering people on some level you must want to be Christian. Would you let me take you to church?

Denny Crane:
I once captained my own spaceship!

Judge Phyllis Tamber:
I will not let you turn this proceeding into a joke.

Alan Shore:
But, Your Honor, Denny and I are a comedy team!

Denny Crane:
Do you know who I am?

Judge Phyllis Tamber:
Yes, I do. You used to be Denny Crane.

Alan Shore:
Could I have a second alone, Denny?

Denny Crane:
With me?

Alan Shore:
With the judge.

Denny Crane:
To next season, my friend.

Alan Shore:
I can't wait to see what we do next!

Denny Crane:
I'm just getting started!

Alan Shore:
Denny Crane.

Denny Crane:
Alan Shore.

Alan Shore:
Flamingos.

Judge Harvey Cooper:
You can stop trying to get yourself off the case, counsel. That isn't going to happen.

Denny Crane:
Look, Judge, I can't defend a man who raped and murdered a 13-year-old girl.

Judge Harvey Cooper:
Somebody's got to do it.

Denny Crane:
Why me?

Judge Harvey Cooper:
Because I said so.

Denny Crane:
[sighs] Which brings me to my second issue.

Judge Harvey Cooper:
Which is?

Denny Crane:
You're a douchebag. I don't do well with douchebags.

Judge Harvey Cooper:
[grins] That won't work, either. You will try this case.

Denny Crane:
[dressed as a flamingo] Most of the Cranes in my family were flamingos.

Denny Crane:
Most of the Democrats voted for this war. John Kerry voted for it. Hillary Clinton voted for it. And now, suddenly, it becomes unpopular... Say what you will, about Republicans. We stick to our convictions, even when we know we're dead wrong.

Alan Shore:
Some might say especially then.

Alan Shore:
[Alan and Denny dressed as flamingos] Denny, you look pretty in pink.

Alan Shore:
[Alan addressing the jury on about water pollution]... What is our biggest fear? The dirty bomb. Not the dirty water!

Attorney Eric Yavitch:
[stands to object] Objection! Your honor, Mr.Shore is introducing evidence in his closing that was never presented at trial.

Alan Shore:
[turning to the attorney] Nonsense, your honor, I refer you to plaintiff's exhibit number apple.

Attorney Eric Yavitch:
[confused look at alan] I beg your pardon?

Alan Shore:
[addressing attorney ] Apple trash can is picked from God.

Attorney Eric Yavitch:
Huh?

Hon. Stephen Bickle:
Mr. Shore...

Alan Shore:
[to judge] Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free.

Attorney Eric Yavitch:
Objection!

[confused]

Attorney Eric Yavitch:
Uh, I think.

Hon. Stephen Bickle:
Mr. Shore! You have a notorious history of court room theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed.

Alan Shore:
[Under his breath] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. [Turns to jury] You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish is the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [Walk to seat, sits down, and looks around in bewilderment] What?

Denny Crane!