Bruce Almighty

Bruce:
B-E-A-utiful.

Bruce:
B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let's go back inside and have a sh*t.

Bruce:
We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.

Bruce:
Behind every great man... is a woman rolling her eyes

Bruce:
Thank you Susan! Bruce Nolan here aboard the Maid of the Mist at Niagara falls.

Grace:
Thank you, God.

Jack:
Thank God.

Bruce:
First off, I want to add another congratulations to Evan Baxter. It's good to see what someone with real talent can accomplish when great opportunities are given to him instead of me. Anyway, I'm here, I believe with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue "heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel guilty at all letting Leonardo Decaprio freeze, while you were safe floating on the big door? Do you think he would have survived if you had taken turns, or were you too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

Jack:
Did I just hear...?

Bruce:
Well, I guess that's the way life works, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid umbrella...

Bruce:
While others who aren't fit to kiss my willy, are sitting in a nice, comfy news room, sucking up all the glory!

Grace:
This isn't happening. This isn't happening...

Bruce:
Now, let's speak to the owner. Come on in here Bill. Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?

Bruce:
Is it my hair?

Bruce:
My teeth are not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the very bedrock of my Life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.

Jack:
All right, cut the feed! Cut to black if you have to.

Bruce:
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, f***ers!

God:
Grace. You want her back?

Bruce:
No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

God:
Now THAT'S a prayer.

Bruce:
Love me. Love me.

Grace:
...I did.

God:
Allllllrighty then.

Grace:
I've never seen the moon that big.

Bruce:
We really shouldn't waste it.

God:
You can't kneel in the middle of a highway and live to tell the tale.

God:
I pulled that one on Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.

Grace:
Oh, God.

Bruce:
You can call me Bruce.

God:
No, this is Mount Everest. You really should turn on the Discovery Channel every now and then.

Bruce:
I am Bruce Almighty. My will be done.

Bruce:
And now back to Evan Backstabber, pardon me, Bastard, Baxter, rather.

Bruce:
Feed the hungry, and give peace on all mankind. Is that good?

God:
Yes... If you're Miss America.

Bruce:
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Bruce:
How do you make someone love you without changing free will?

God:
Welcome to my world.

Bruce:
Nice to meet you, g-d. Nice job on the Grand Canyon and good luck with the apocalypse.

Grace:
I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.

Bruce:
Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.

God:
Well, now I guess you can't do anything now that you're dead.

Bruce:
I'm DEAD?

God:
Naw, I'm just messing with ya.

Bruce:
That is NOT funny.

Bruce:
I can do it, Jack. I can be like Evan.

Jack:
You don't want to be like Evan. Evan's an a**hole.

Bruce:
I can be an a**hole.

Jack:
No you can't.

Jack:
You going to get that?

Bruce:
Yeah I'm sorry.

Grace:
Debbie won the lottery.

Bruce:
Really?

Grace:
Yeah, well, she and about 400,000 other people so she only won 17 bucks.

Bruce:
Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.'

Bruce:
Okay, now you're just showing off.

Bruce:
Well, how ironic, cause that's TODAY.

Bruce:
Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.

Bruce:
Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me.

Bruce:
I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self.

Jack:
You did that in a day?

Bruce:
Imagine what I could do in seven...

Bruce:
Where are you going?

God:
Vacation.

Bruce:
God doesn't go on vacation. Does he?... Do... ye?

God:
Ever hear of the dark ages?

God:
You have the ability to make people laugh. I know, I created you.

Bruce:
Quit bragging.

God:
Since when do people have a clue what they want?

God:
People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle.

Bruce:
Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass?

Bruce:
Yeah, but it's ok if I'm talkin' about a donkey.

Bruce:
It's a good thing I'm wearing this

Bruce:
because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!

Bruce:
Smite me, oh mighty Smiter.

Bruce:
Is it my hair Bill? My teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the very bedrock of my LIFE ERODING BENEATH ME? ERODING, EEEERODING.

Bruce:
God is just a mean kid with a magnifying glass. And I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

Grace:
You know that everything happens for a reason.

Bruce:
See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

Bruce:
Holy sh... cow.

Bruce:
That's the way it was... and that's the way the cookie crumbles... and That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it uh HUH uh HUH.

God:
No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.

Bruce:
There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.

God:
Yeah. Since when does anyone have a clue as to what they want?

Bruce:
What if I need you? What if I have questions?

God:
That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.

Bruce:
Can I have a spooOO...

Bruce:
Umm... never mind, I found one.

God:
Parting a soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. Now, a single mom who works two full-time jobs, and still finds the time to pick up her kid at soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager that says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

Bruce:
What up with thee.

Stalled Car Guy:
Well, thanks a million. God bless.

Bruce:
Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you throw the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns or were you just to afraid to freeze your big fat ass off!

Bruce:
Be thankful... and do long division or something!

[Evan Baxter's live announcement of his appointment as anchor has rankled Bruce]

Bruce:
Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.

Grace:
Come on! What are you DOING?!

Bruce:
Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?

Bill (Ferry Owner):
Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...

Bruce:
Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life ERODING BENEATH ME?! Eroding, eroooooooding, EEEEEEROOOOODDDING.

Jack:
Cut the feed. Go to black.

Technician:
I'm on it.

Bruce:
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, F***ERS! [flips off bird]

Jack:
Oh, boy.

Grace:
Oh, my God.

God:
This last entry was a little disturbing; "The gloves are off, God." "God has taken my bird and my bush." "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.

Bruce:
[shocked] Are you spying on me?! Who are you?

God:
I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega.

Bruce:
Oh, I see where this is going...

God:
Bruce, I'm God.

Bruce:
Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK! You know what? It would have been a little bit more impressive though if you hadn’t used the cheesy file cabinet illusion. Anybody with a brain stem can tell that drawer is being fed through the wall from the other side.

God:
Okay, let me explain the rules.

Bruce:
Rules?

God:
Yeah, you left in such a rush, I didn't get a chance to explain.

Bruce:
Well, the "two extra fingers" thing freaked me out a little bit.

God:
[laughs] I figured that would get your attention. I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks. Now, here's the deal. You have all my power, use it any way you choose. There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God; believe me, you don't want that kind of attention. And you can't mess with free will.

Bruce:
Can I ask why?

God:
[smiling] Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!

Lead Thug:
I'll tell you what. We'll apologize the day a monkey comes out of my butt. Then you'll get your "sorry". How about that?

Bruce:
What a coincidence! Because that's... today.

[A monkey comes out of the Lead Thug's butt]

Thug #1:
Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?!

Thug #2:
¡Brujería! ¡Es el Diablo! (Witchcraft! It's the Devil!)

Thug #3:
This is some voodoo sh*t, man! ¡Vámonos! Let's go!

Bruce:
Are you guys leaving? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes bees at them, and is then joined by the monkey] Hey there, little anal-dwelling butt monkey! Time for you to go home, little buddy. [The monkey re-enters the Lead Thug's butt]

Evan:
In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.

Director:
What did he just say? Check the prompter.

Technician:
The prompter's fine.

Director:
Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.

Evan:
[as Bruce manipulates the teleprompter] The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "technical" difficulties... [farts] Oh... my apologies.

Bruce:
[to God] Am I...?

God:
You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.

Bruce:
But why? Why now?

God:
Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have the gift of bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.

Bruce:
Quit braggin'.

God:
You see! That's what I'm talking about. That's the spark.

[God gives Bruce prayer beads]

Bruce:
What do you want me to do?

God:
I want you to pray, son. Go ahead. Use them.

Bruce:
[trying to pray] Lord, feed the hungry and bring peace to all of mankind. [to God] How's that?

God:
Great!... If you wanna be Miss America. Now c'mon - what do you really care about?

Bruce:
[starting to break down] Grace.

God:
Grace.... You want her back?

Bruce:
[looking into the distance then to God] No... I want her to be happy. No matter what that means. I want her to find someone, who will treat her with all of the love she deserved from me... I want her to meet someone... who will see her always, as I do now... through your eyes...

God:
Now that's a prayer.

Bruce:
Yeah?

God:
Yeah. It's good.

Bruce:
[relieved] It's good?

Both:
It's good! [laughs]

God:
I'm gonna get right on it...

Bruce:
Fine! The gloves are off God! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!

Bruce:
[breaks down upon seeing Grace pray so hard] You win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God! I want You to decide what's right for me! I SURRENDER TO YOUR WILL!

Homeless Man Signs:
R EWE BLIND

Homeless Man Signs:
LOOK TO YOURSELF

Homeless Man Signs:
LIFE IS JUST

Homeless Man Signs:
THY KINGDUMB COME

Homeless Man Signs:
ALL FOR WON

Homeless Man Signs:
GOD BEE GOOD HONEY

Homeless Man Signs:
ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE