CollegeHumor Originals

Batman:
We're not your shields! We're not your trained monkeys doing whatever you say for your silly, little, online TV channel!

Commisioner Gordon:
Why is that?

Batman:
You want to do some half-baked, low-production value version of our thing where we just say catchphrases? How's this for a catchphrase! [He and Commisioner Gordon flip Sam off] You look like the kid from A Christmas Story grew up to be a hobbit! F*** yourself! Right in your shirehole!

Sam:
We're excited to have you here as an intern, Jim. I'm sorry things didn't work out at the Gotham P.D. What did you say you were doing for them again?

Commisioner Gordon:
Commisioner.

Sam:
Anyway, we're going to set you up with an intern. Sort of show you the lay of the land. This guy we've been working with for a couple of months. Oh, there he is.

Batman:
Commisioner! Oh, looks like we're working together again!

Commisioner Gordon:
[unenthused] Yeah.

Batman:
But not fighting crime! Fighting all these inefficiencies!

Batman:
Photocopier, photocopy!

Commisioner Gordon:
I think you just hit the green button.

Batman:
Okay. Photocopier, hit the green button. With science!

Batman:
Who made your sandwich for you?

Commisioner Gordon:
To tell you, my wife.

Batman:
Oh, yeah.

Commisioner Gordon:
Why? Who made your sandwich?

Batman:
Alfred. What? No, no, no, no. My butler. Uhhh. The Wayne family butler, Alfred Pennyworth. Wait! Nope, Alf... ALF!

Commisioner Gordon:
ALF.

Batman:
ALF!

Commisioner Gordon:
80's TV icon ALF made your sandwich?

Batman:
Yeah! Remember that show from the 80's? Hey, ALF! Make me a sandwich! No problem! He made me a sandwich! It's probably cat!

Doc:
Marty! Great Scott, we must travel to the future immediately!

Marty:
What is it Doc?

Doc:
One of Biff's relatives is being rude to your son. We need to use time travel to ruin his life, benefit ours.

Marty:
Haven't we done enough Doc?

Doc:
I will not rest, until all of the Tannens are dead!

Rachel:
Wait! You could die. At least tell me your name.

Batman:
It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

Rachel:
Bruce?

Batman:
No.

Rachel:
Oh my God. You totally are. Bruce.

Batman:
What? No way!

Rachel:
Okay, well that whole what I do that defines me thing? I said that to Bruce three days ago and told no one else so... that would mean you're Bruce.

Batman:
You're being crazy. How could I be Bruce Wayne?

Rachel:
See? I didn't even say Wayne. I just said Bruce.

Batman:
Oh, I saw Bruce Wayne at the bank and he told me about your conversation.

Bruce Wayne:
Hi! Rachel, Commisioner Gordon. I was just waterskiing from a hovercraft. You know, doing reckless billionaire type stuff like I do.

Rachel:
Admit it. You're Batman.

Bruce Wayne:
Look, we can go on and on about who or who isn't the vigilante Batman, but I think it's time we consider the fact that Batman is actually a half-man half-bat that doesn't even have a secret identity. [He places a hand on Rachel's shoulder showing that he is still wearing Batman's gauntlets] Batman... gave this glove to me.

Commissioner Gordon:
Cause you guys hang out?

Bruce Wayne:
Yeah. Yeah we do. He's kind of the coolest. [to Rachel] He said we should go out sometime.

Riddler:
If you aim to give us a shot, we'll riddle you. What are we?

Batman:
Oh, that's a stumper. Say it again.

Riddler:
If you aim to give us a shot, we'll riddle you.

Rachel Dawes:
Batman, it's bu...

Batman:
Whoa, whoa, wait. No hints. Is it bu-bu... Buh?

Riddler:
You think the answer to my riddle is buh?

Rachel Dawes:
Sometimes words have different meanings like the word bat could be an animal or a baseball bat.

Batman:
I'm a bat!

Rachel Dawes:
You're not a bat.

Batman:
Lucius, I need help.

Lucius Fox:
Of course.

Batman:
It's a riddle.

Lucius Fox:
Go ahead.

Batman:
If you shoot and aim I'll riddle you.

Lucius Fox:
Is it helicopters?

Batman:
Right? That's what I said!

Batman:
Is the answer a small boy's Sunday trousers?

Riddler:
No.

Batman:
Is it Invisiline braces?

Riddler:
For real, what do you even see in this guy?

Rachel Dawes:
Honestly I don't know right now.

Batman:
Is it a bag of steel-cut oats?

Riddler:
Multiple choice

Rachel Dawes:
Great. Great idea.

Riddler:
What comes out of a gun? A... bullets.

Rachel Dawes:
That sounds good to me.

Batman:
What are B and C?

Riddler:
There is no B and C!

Batman:
No B and C? It's a trap!

Batman:
Is it helicopter?

Riddler:
Alright, now wh-what did I say that would make you think helicopter?

Batman:
It's when you said if your aim is to... I have no idea.

Lucius Fox:
Batman, what's going on?

Batman:
Yeah, call it off. I think it was helicopters. Guy just didn't want to admit I got it so fast.

Batman:
How could a bullet riddle me? It doesn't have a mouth.

Riddler:
If you aim...

Rachel Dawes:
With a gun.

Riddler:
To give us a *shot*...

Rachel Dawes:
Boom! Boom! Blaaah!

Riddler:
We'll riddle you.

Rachel Dawes:
With little pieces of metal that are called?

Riddler:
What are they called? What's gonna come out of the gun?

Batman:
Injustice! The tools of cowards and criminals!

Batman:
No! Girl Scouts!

Crane:
You're scared of Girl Scouts?

Batman:
They're knocking on the door. I don't have any cash!

Crane:
Leave no traces.

Henchman #1:
Torch the place.

Henchman #2:
I gotta take a piss.

Crane:
[as Henchman #2 walks away] Why does he do that every time we're committing a crime?

Batman:
Ukulele! Keep it away! Its jingle jangles tell me I'm in a Club Med!

Crane:
You jump off of rooftops and you fight criminals and you're scared of roombas?

Batman:
How does it know which way to go if we don't push it?

Crane:
Wow.

Batman:
No! Stay away, Christopher McDonald!

Christopher McDonald:
Hey Batman. How ya doin'?

Crane:
Oh my God. Are you kidding me?

Batman:
Goose McKenzie, you keep your distance!

Christopher McDonald:
Goose McKenzie? That's going way back. Most people know me as Shooter McGavin but, uh, thanks for knowing my work

Batman:
AAH!

Batman:
Jingly keys! Fun for babies! Not for Batman!

Batman:
Baths!

Crane:
Bats! See? That makes sense! Because you're afraid of bats so you dress like a bat so you could frighten your enemies like a...

Batman:
No, no. Not bats. Baths!

Crane:
Baths.

Batman:
Baths. You know a bath?

Crane:
Yep.

Batman:
Taking a quick shower is just as refreshing and uses one-third the water!

Crane:
And you're Gotham's savior?

Batman:
It's wasteful!

Batman:
[crying] I was a boy. Now I'm a bat!

Batman:
My suit is cool cause I made it myself. Daddy's boy! You got a stupid S on your chest, in case we could forget who you are.

Superman:
It's my people's symbol for hope.

Batman:
Hope starts with an H, stupid!

Superman:
Okay, stop!

Batman:
Face it. You're lame.

Superman:
You're wearing eye makeup!

Batman:
F*** you! I didn't just inherit my abilities from a different f***ing atmosphere! This air makes me strong! Ya f***ing nerd. With your nerd hair!

Superman:
I didn't base my alter-ego on the musical Newsies.

Batman:
Which Newsie did you base Clark Kent off of? Was it Crutchy?

Superman:
I'm not Crutchy.

Batman:
I'm getting a strong feeling that it was Crutchy.

Commissioner Gordon:
Batman, you have to know what dea-I mean, your parents were shot and killed.

Batman:
My parents were shot, yes, but they're alive. On a special farm.

Penguin:
Oh, boy.

Commissioner Gordon:
They're on a farm?

Batman:
They're on a special happy farm, where they make buttermilk. They romp and play. There's a hammock made of dreams.

Penguin:
I-I can't even...

Batman:
They write me emails.

Batman:
[about his enemies after he kills them] They go to sleep, like me. Then they wake up, like me. Usually with a boner. I call it the bat signal!

Penguin:
Batman, what do you have on your wrists?

Batman:
I'm not wearing hockey pads!

Batman:
My fish. He went to sleep and we flushed him down the toilet. He's in the ocean right now. He's alive.

Penguin:
No, he's dead.

Batman:
Doctor Fishy! No!

Commissioner Gordon:
You see Batman, what you did to Doctor Fishy is what you've done to these men.

Batman:
I overfed these men?

Commissioner Gordon:
[after Batman kills Penguin with an assualt rifle] What happened to no guns?

Batman:
This is a gun? [Penguin's dead body flinches and Batman opens fire hitting him in the chest, stomach, legs etc]

Commissioner Gordon:
You're an idiot!

Batman:
Ssh! Not so loud.

Kunal:
For security purposes, what was the name of your first pet?

Mark:
Charlie, but that's not what I wrote down.

Kunal:
What did you write, sir?

Mark:
I wrote "Screw this question. I want to jerk it."

Bowser:
Mario's first game was "Donkey Kong". It was the story of a big, disgusting ape and his battle against Donkey Kong.