Conan

Conan O'Brien:
This is crazy: In Poland, there's a new board game for children - a board game for children, designed to help them understand how hard life was under communist rule.

[audience laughter]

Conan O'Brien:
Yes! Yeah, it's called "Hungry Hungry Everyone".

Conan O'Brien:
People ask me why I named the show "Conan". I did it so I'd be harder to replace.

Himself - Comic Guest:
Most comedians save their jokes in folders. I only have two folders. One is labelled "Teen Angst Poetry". The other is labelled "Plots to Destroy the World". Only the folder labelled "Teen Angst Poetry" actually contains plots to destroy the world. The folder labelled "Plots to Destroy the World" actually contains plots to take over the world. It's misdirection! Just like you thought this was a joke about folders when it's actually a joke about drag queens!

Himself - Comic Guest:
Lately, I've been suffering from hallucinations. I saw a doctor.

[long pause]

Himself - Comic Guest:
There was no doctor.

Matt Knudsen:
I remember when I was a kid and my grandpa and I used to play a lot of board games together. Until he turned 81... Then he was no longer in the age range.

Himself - Comic Guest:
The thing is, I think, you have to... you can't compare yourself to other people. That's another big, uh, trap for not feeling good. You know, 'cause you see other people, their lives, and you go "Why...? They... LeBron James, why does he get to...?"

[audience laughter]

Himself - Comic Guest:
Don't think about that, you know? Brad Pitt. Think about Brad Pitt. Imagine that. Brad Pitt. Great-looking, rich, famous, Oscar, sleeping with Angelina Jolie. Holy moly!

[audience laughter]

Himself - Comic Guest:
What did this guy do, pull a thorn out of God's paw?

[audience laughter]

Himself - Comic Guest:
Are his parents leprechauns? It's ridiculous! I did that joke the other night, some woman said "You're just jealous." Gee, you think? Yes, of course I'm jealous. What other reaction is there to Brad Pitt? Gratitude? "Hey, good for him! Finally, that guy got a break. Now I can focus on my own problems." Amazing life, though, Brad Pitt. That's gotta be, I don't know, one in a billion, to have that kind of resume, life. Wow. You think Brad Pitt prays?

[audience laughter]

Himself - Comic Guest:
[pantomimes praying] "Hmm... no, I'm good."

Vinny Manzoni:
[stirring a pot while in the witness relocation program] Aw man, I love my new life. I fit right in with these Amish.

Tony:
[two mobsters with guns walk in] How ya doin', Vinnie?

Vinny Manzoni:
Tony! Rocko! How'd you find me?

Tony:
Fan Corrections. Tell the devil Nico Elliot sent ya.

[Tony and Rocko shoot Vinnie]

Conan O'Brien:
[cut back to Conan] Happy now, Nico? You got someone killed! With your little Fan Correction. You're a murderer.

Andy Richter:
[audience laughs and applauds at a monologue joke after the previous one bombed] You won 'em back, boss.

Conan O'Brien:
I won 'em back with poo poo!

Watson the Computer:
I save the passion for your wife, Andy.

Andy Richter:
What did you say to me?

Watson the Computer:
She likes my harddrive and my RAM.

Watson the Computer:
I'll take 'things Andy's wife likes in bed' for 200, Alex.

Watson the Computer:
[Andy is aiming a shotgun at Watson the super computer] Please, not in the face. [a beat] To quote your wife...

Watson the Computer:
[after laughing at one of Conan's funny monologue jokes] My virtual stomach hurts. You are as gifted as Oscar Wilde.

Andy Richter:
[unable to hide his annoyance any longer] Oh, come on, that, that was a stinker and you know it! I mean, could you be any more of an ass-kisser? You come in here, you suck up to Conan, try to do what I do.

Watson the Computer:
I could never do what you do: leave your wife unsatisfied.

Watson the Computer:
[about Andy's wife] She thinks IBM stands for 'Insatiable Boning Machine'.

Watson the Computer:
Killing me won't bring back your erection, Andy.

Watson the Computer:
[Andy throws Watson of the top of the studio building] I haven't gone down this fast since I was with your... [Watson hits the ground and explodes]

Conan O'Brien:
Why did they pack a computer screen with explosives? [giggles]

Andy Richter:
That was all his thinkin'. [more giggles from Coco]

Watson the Computer:
[Watson's smoldering remains keep talking] Andy's wife is a great ball-handler.

Andy Richter:
Now that, see, that's complimentary.

Conan O'Brien:
Yeah, nice.

Conan O'Brien:
[on his People's Choice Award nomination] Here's the problem: I'm competing against one of the most powerful people in the world - Oprah Winfrey.

Conan O'Brien:
[audience boos] No! No! Don't boo! No, no!

Conan O'Brien:
[they continue booing] No, no - she'll have me killed!... Don't screw around like that!

Conan O'Brien:
[imitating Oprah] "What happened on Conan?" One push of a button, and I just go away, man... and all of you go away with me.

Andy Richter:
She'll give away bits of you to her studio audience.

Conan O'Brien:
Exactly. Yeah, on "Your Favorite Things", everyone in the studio audience is getting a piece of Conan's spleen. She is the most powerful figure - not just in entertainment - one of the most powerful figures in the country. Alright? This is scary to be up against her. There's one thing that gives me solace, ladies and gentlemen, and makes me think, "I've got a chance." That's right: I'm still the only talk show host that has his own blimp.

Conan O'Brien:
[the blimp is shown] Yeah! So, take that, Oprah! I got my own blimp, and there's nothing you can do about it!

[Conan laughs maniacally, but a huge shadow is seen falling over the blimp; it is a gigantic airship bearing the name Oprah, which sucks in the blimp with a tractor beam and belches out a stream of gaseous refuse]

Conan O'Brien:
[Conan is sullen, and the audience resumes booing; he smiles bemusedly]... You have no idea what you're doing... You fools. I'm voting for Oprah.

Himself - Guest Comic:
The difference between a breakup and a divorce is the difference between getting scratched by a cat and raped by a bear.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Guest Comic:
It hurts more. I don't hate bears now, I'm just suspicious of them.

Himself - Guest Comic:
[about divorce] It's just an adjustment, you know? You go from really loving a person to really not.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Guest Comic:
Just little things at the end would bug the crap out of me. Like, she'd wake up in the morning. That's it.

Himself - Guest Comic:
Why would you have a kid if it wasn't working out? You don't invite someone to a party that sucks.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Guest Comic:
I don't call my friend and say "Hey, we ran out of beer and the chicks left. Come on over."

Himself - Guest Comic:
You know why I don't date younger women? 'Cause no matter what I say to a younger woman, it sounds creepy in my head.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Guest Comic:
I think it's 'cause I have gray hair. You have gray hair, you talk to young women, it sounds creepy. It just does. It doesn't even matter what the words are, they can be innocent. I can say "Can I buy you a drink?". You know what I hear? "Want some candy?"

[audience laughter]

Himself - Guest Comic:
"Get in the van."

Himself - Guest Comic:
I don't want to be in a serious relationship. 'Cause I'm like a lot of men. I live in a fantasy world. I'm deluded. I'm afraid I'm going to get into a serious relationship and then I'm gonna miss out on a bunch of fun stuff. I know it's stupid, but that's how I think. I'm afraid I'm gonna commit and then someone's gonna go "You want to play in the Super Bowl?" God damn it!

[audience laughter]

Himself - Guest Comic:
"I can't. I'm in a serious relationship."