Dinosaurs

[Earl wants a raise]

B.P. Richfield:
Sinclair, you dog. Twenty-five years you've been working here and I never thought you'd have the guts to take me on! But take me on, you do, mano e mano, man to man. That's guts-balls, Sinclair. I like a guy with guts-balls. LIKE HIM!

[slams the sides of his trailer]

B.P. Richfield:
So I guess I'm gonna have to take your little ultimatum seriously.

Earl:
Oh I do hope so, sir.

B.P. Richfield:
Cuz the someone who puts a gun to my head...

Earl:
Oh n-no, sir.

B.P. Richfield:
...MUST BE PREPARED TO BACK UP HIS THREAT! So I'm gonna ask you, d'ya want a raise or what?

Earl:
...uh... or what, sir.

B.P. Richfield:
What puts you in the position to ask for more money?

Earl:
Well sir, I have a growing family, who I need more money to take care of.

B.P. Richfield:
Well, Where is this my fault?

Earl:
I'm not blaiming you, sir.

B.P. Richfield:
THEN WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR FAMILY!

Earl:
I'm only asking for more money, sir.

B.P. Richfield:
No, the way I see it is, you don't need more money, you need less family!

Earl:
But I love my family!

B.P. Richfield:
Well obviously you do, since you're willing to lose your job for them.

Earl:
*What*?

B.P. Richfield:
You face me down, asking me for more money. I ain't gonna give it to ya. So ya got no alternative but to look me in the eye and say...

Earl:
[leaving] I'm sorry.

B.P. Richfield:
...I QUIT!

Earl:
I quit?

B.P. Richfield:
Oh, sorry to lose ya, Sinclair, after all these years.

Earl:
But sir I like this company. I always dreamed I'd go somewhere with this company.

B.P. Richfield:
No dreams, Sinclair. No dreams for you. You are what you are and that's all you're ever gonna be. Except not with this company. Best thing for you to do is realize that now. You'll thank me.

Earl:
But sir...

B.P. Richfield:
THANK ME!

Earl:
uh th-thank you, sir.

[repeated line]

Baby:
I'm the baby; gotta love me!

Earl Sinclair:
Dinosaurs. Big laughs. Small brains.

Earl:
Good morning, my family who loves me.

Baby:
Not the mama.

Earl:
All right, that ends right now. I've had it up to here with this "not the mama". I am not "not the nama", I'm your daddy, and you only get one, buster, and that's what you're gonna call me. Daddy. Now say "Daddy".

[Baby refuses]

Earl:
Say "Daddy".

[Baby still refuses]

Earl:
Okay, all right, all right. Say "da".

Baby:
Da.

Earl:
Say "dee".

Baby:
Dee.

Earl:
Da...

Baby:
Da...

Earl:
Dee.

Baby:
Dee.

Earl:
Daddy!

Baby:
Daddy!

Earl:
Frannie!

Baby:
Daddy.

Earl:
[chuckles] Fran!

Baby:
Daddy.

Earl:
He loves me, listen to him!

Baby:
Daddy, Daddy!

[sings]

Baby:
Daddy, Da-Daddy, Da-Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. NOT THE MAMA!

[Said at the beginning of each episode]

Earl Sinclair:
Honey, I'm home!

Fran:
Maybe I've learned something today. Good parenting does come from here [points to heart] but when you need a little help, you can find it here [points to parenting manual].

Earl:
Gee, now there's something you don't see on TV.

[repeated line]

Baby Sinclair:
Not the mama!

[repeated line]

Baby:
Again!

Baby:
[hitting Earl with a bottle] Not the mama, not the mama, not the mama.

Earl:
I really wish you'd grow out of this.

Baby Sinclair:
She's too controlling, I wanna wear a dress!

Fran:
How much can a tutor cost, Earl?

Earl:
The same amount as a 90 inch TV screen, because that's the way my life works.

Baby:
I'm a *big* boy!

Earl Sinclair:
[Fran is giving Earl the silent treatment because he mistakenly buried her mother alive; Earl reads from the apology card he bought] What can I say? I've ruined your day, and made you all angry and surly. How could I make such a thoughtless mistake? And bury your mother too early.

Earl Sinclair:
[Fran continues to ignore him] Aw come on, Fran! They wouldn't make these cards if it didn't happen all the time!

B.P. Richfield:
SINCLAIR. I oughta kill you and your whole family, but I'd probably get in trouble with the union. As it is, there's only one thing I can do to you: you're fired, Sinclair, fired, fired, FIRED.

Earl:
Fired? That means I don't have to come to work anymore. Oh, this is the happiest day of my life.

Earl:
This is the happiest moment of my life. No wait, this is. No wait, this is.

Earl:
I got fired a week ago. oh, it was the happiest moment of my life. No wait, this is. No wait, thi...

Fran Sinclair:
Stop that! You've been leaving the house every morning. Where have you been going?

Earl:
Well for the first couple of days I just stood in the driveway. But after a while that stopped being fulfilling. So, I decided to improve myself. I've been going back to school.

Fran Sinclair:
You mean high school?

Earl:
Well I started off in high school, but I got sent back to junior high. It wasn't so much the academics, I just had trouble socially.

Fran Sinclair:
This is crazy.

Earl:
No, no, it's okay. Now I'm passed by awkward phase. I'm making friends. Hey, I'm even going out for cheerleader! Fight'em! Fight'em!

Roy Hess:
Join the party.

Ed:
You guys are makin' fun of me, aren't ya?

Roy Hess:
No, we're just happy. Here, have some more of the plant.

Ed:
No, no I don't like the happy plant. I used to like the happy plant. Now it just makes me paranoid. At least, I think it makes me paranoid... you all think I'm paranoid, don't you?

Earl:
Hey Fran, are you Happy?

Fran Sinclair:
Well... I would be a lot Happier if you were on your way to Work.

Earl:
Then I'm on my way to Work... [stops for a long Pause]

Fran Sinclair:
What's wrong, Earl?

Earl:
I just realized that... I'm not wearing any Pants.

Earl:
[Regarding what the Plant has led them to] You know, maybe your Mother is right, throwing our Lives away for some cheap high does have a downside, so... have we agreed, no more Plant?

Robbie Sinclair, Charlene Sinclair:
Sigh, no more Plant...

Earl:
...and no more throwing our Lives away either?

Robbie Sinclair, Charlene Sinclair:
No more throwing our Lives away.

Spike:
Hey, it was better in the old Days, when a Male came of Age, He challenged his Father for Supremacy.

Robbie Sinclair:
You mean like a Fight?

Spike:
...to the Death!

Robbie Sinclair:
Cool!

Spike:
You can kick Your Dad's Butt, and take everything He owns, including His Wife.

Robbie Sinclair:
Um... wouldn't that be My Mom?

Spike, Robbie Sinclair:
[Realization Strikes em Both] EWWWWWW!

Fran Sinclair:
[Regarding Robbies Spikes] Look, it's getting Late Earl, why Can't we just discuss this after Dinner?

Earl:
He's not Eating Dinner in My House with those Spikes!

Robbie Sinclair:
Obviously, I can't do anything Right. My Room's a Mess, My Spikes are too long, and My Posture Stinks! I mean... why is it that everything that I do is so wrong?

Earl:
I was gonna ask You the same thing...

Robbie Sinclair:
You know, I never asked to be Hatched in this Stupid Family.

Earl:
Well then... nobody is keeping You here. [Earl opens the Door, and Robbie Leaves]

Robbie Sinclair:
FINE!

Earl:
[Aloud] Don't You walk away from Me!

Baby Sinclair:
This is your Brain. [Raises frying pan]

Baby Sinclair:
This is your brain on the plant. [Hits Earl over head with frying pan]

Baby Sinclair:
Any questions?

Edward R. Hero:
[chief elder] I decree that henceforth, this child shall be called... Uh...

Baby Sinclair:
I'm the Baby, gotta love me.

Edward R. Hero:
Baby. Baby Sinciar. Yes. It sorta fits.

Fran Sinclair:
Baby? Oh what a beautiful name.

Earl Sinclair:
Baby? I could've done this job!

Edward R. Hero:
Well dress me up and call me Sally. I'm the new elder. Hmm, maybe the system does work after all.

Charlene:
What's that?

Robbie:
My pancreas.

Charlene:
I'm starving. Give it to me. I'll take your spleen too.

Assistant:
A little girl is trapped down a well. She needs your words of encouragement.

Earl:
[into the phone] You're trapped down a well? That's terrible.

Earl:
I confessed I was a boob on national television.

Fran:
You could still win, Earl. Lot's of b*obs vote and they need representation too.

B.P. Richfield:
The next one of you to say something asinine has to run against me.

Earl:
How asinine does it have to be, my captain?

B.P. Richfield:
Congratulations, Sinclair, you're nominated.

Edward R. Hero:
What an appalling display. The voters of our nation must choose between a monstrous, bloodthirsty psychopath

[Mr. Richfield]

Edward R. Hero:
and a self-confessed brain-dead ignoramus

[Earl]

Edward R. Hero:
. Be sure you vote tomorrow.

[Earl dreams he is chief elder and is being plagued by hundreds of demands]

Earl:
Why don't you all just leave me alone?

[accidentally hits the red button]

Earl:
Oops.

[all over the world, volcanoes erupt and bombs explode]

Earl:
Oh no, and on my first day.

Earl:
What's all this fuzzy stuff? This must be a dream.

[a floating cake appears]

Earl:
Ooh, this is the cake dream.

[Doorbell rings]

Earl:
That'll be the centerfold girls.

[Fran is at the door]

Earl:
Fran, you're not supposed to be here.

Fran:
The centerfold girls aren't coming.

Earl:
But this is my cake dream.

Fran:
Your conscience is intruding, Earl, you know you don't deserve the cake dream.

Edward R. Hero:
What an appalling display. The voters of our nation must choose between a monstrous, bloodthirsty psychopath...

[Mr. Richfield]

Edward R. Hero:
And a self-confessed brain-dead.

[Earl]

Edward R. Hero:
Be sure you vote tomorrow.

Baby Sinclair:
Smoo.

B.P. Richfield:
What did he call me?

Earl Sinclair:
Uh... He said Lou. You see he thinks of you as his sweet Uncle Lou.

B.P. Richfield:
My name is not Lou.

Earl Sinclair:
I know but don't you find the uncle part endearing?

TV Announcer:
The Friendly Bunny will not be seen tonight so that we may bring you the following brand new program quickly thrown together in a shameless grab for ratings.

Earl Sinclair:
Oh this should be good.

TV Announcer:
It's the Smoo Show!

Baby Sinclair:
*Smoo*!

B.P. Richfield:
I oughta tear off your head and play hacky sack.

[after hearing a swear word on TV]

Fran Sinclair:
I will not have that kind of gutter language in this house!

Baby Sinclair:
Smoo!

[the whole family gasp in shock]

Baby Sinclair:
What'd I say?

Earl Sinclair:
[as new shows with foul language show on TV] TV has become the cesspool of vulgarity.

[the Smoo Show intro]

The Smoo Show Singers:
[singing] We're sayin' 'smoo', ooh/'cause it's what we do/we're sayin' 'smoo', ooh/and it's just for you/smoo, smoo, smoo, smoo, smoo-oo-oo-oo!

Baby Sinclair:
Read me a story, Grandma Smoo.

[laughs at the word]

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
Ah, you really think that's funny, don't you?

Baby Sinclair:
What, smoo? Smoo funny? Smoo. Smoo! Yeah, smoo funny!

[laughs again at the word]

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
Call me when you clean up your act.

[Ethyl leaves]

TV Announcer:
Why are you stuck in a boring dead end job?

Earl Sinclair:
I don't know.

TV Announcer:
Why does your boss always yell at you?

Earl Sinclair:
Can't figure it out.

TV Announcer:
Why is your life such a complete mess?

Earl Sinclair:
Will you stop picking on me?

TV Announcer:
Why ask why? DRINK ALCOHOL! Nobody likes a thinker! You might not be able to change your life, but at least you can change the way you look at it. Alcohol! The more you drink, the less you think!

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
[after hearing Earl describe the job of a tree-pusher] [sarcastically] Wow, that certainly sounds appealing. Where do I sign up?

Earl Sinclair:
Ha ha ha, well you can't. They don't hire bitter, shrivelled-up old ladies.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
Right, they usually only take big, fat slobs.

Earl Sinclair:
She'll be dead soon, son.

Fran Sinclair:
Alcohol's not the answer, it only just makes things worse. You just need to overcome your senses, and I made you your favorite dish: food.

[Fran brings it to Earl]

Earl Sinclair:
[pushes it away, solemnly] Oh, Frannie, I can't eat, I can't go to work. There's no point. My life's a sham.

Fran Sinclair:
[furiously] Earl Sneed Sinclair!

[Fran smashes the bowl of food on the floor which scares Earl]

Fran Sinclair:
Sometimes you make me so MAD!

Earl Sinclair:
Okay, okay, I'll eat. But do you have a dress to go with this hat?

Fran Sinclair:
You have a wonderful life and a wonderful family, but if you can't see that for yourself, you can just stay in bed forever!

[Fran leaves]

Fran Sinclair:
[to herself] I bring him his lunch, but no!

B.P. Richfield:
Let's see, how can we make it rain?

Earl Sinclair:
Well, we could have everybody wash their cars. That usually makes it rain.

Roy Hess:
Or everybody could take a bath. No, that makes the phone ring.

B.P. Richfield:
OH SHUT UP.

Ethyl Phillups:
[regarding Earl] I always knew he'd screw up, but I never thought he'd screw up this bad!

[last lines]

Howard Handupme:
And taking a look at the long range forecast, continued snow, darkness, and extreme cold. This is Howard Handupme, saying goodnight... [pause]... and goodbye...

Earl Sinclair:
Maybe we went a little overboard with the poison.

Charlene Sinclair:
A little? Your stupid spray killed all plant life!

Earl Sinclair:
Hey, what are you complaining about? You never liked salads anyway.

Robbie Sinclair:
You've destroyed the global food chain! No plants means no food at all!

Earl Sinclair:
Nonsense! There's a wide variety of commercial snack foods which have virtually no natural ingredients.

Fran Sinclair:
Earl, we can't live on Ho-Ho's!

Baby Sinclair:
I can!

Charlene Sinclair:
[on the news regarding the bunch beetles] We've plowed over their mating grounds and annihilated an entire species.

Stan:
All gone.

Charlene Sinclair:
And for what?

Stan:
What?

Charlene Sinclair:
Wax fruit!

Robbie Sinclair:
Dad, you're going to coat the entire continent with poison? Isn't there some safer alternative?

Earl Sinclair:
Like what?

Charlene Sinclair:
Well, trim back the vines as much as we can, live with a little discomfort, and hope that nature eventually restores the balance.

Earl Sinclair:
That's inconvenient and time consuming, my idea is exciting and high tech.

Robbie Sinclair:
Yeah but have you tested this stuff to make sure it's safe?

Baby:
[about a picture he drew] Where're you gonna put it?

Fran Sinclair:
Gee, I don't know, the refrigerator's all full.

Baby:
Oh...buy another refrigerator, problem solved, back to work.

Charlene Sinclair:
They couldn't throw us off the end of the world because there isn't any, we walked all the way around!

Fran Sinclair:
I'm so glad you're back, I made your favorite for dinner.

Charlene Sinclair:
You knew we were coming back tonight?

Fran Sinclair:
I made it every night.

Earl:
Yep, 80 consecutive nights of meatloaf, and nobody prayed for your safe return home, more than me.

Earl:
[about the baby's drawing] That's just a shapeless green blob.

Baby:
I call it Daddy! [Earl glares at him]

Fran Sinclair:
We're going to put this picture of Daddy up on the refrigerator.

Baby:
Okay!

Muse:
This will just take a second, and when I'm gone, you won't even remember me.

Charlene Sinclair:
I've heard that one before. I'm counting to five and then I'll scream, one, two...

Muse:
But I've got a wonderful idea I think you'll like.

Charlene Sinclair:
I've also heard that one, three...

Charlene Sinclair:
[brought into the courtroom in chains] Oh Mommy! It was just horrible!

Fran Sinclair:
And look how thin, you're emaciated!

Charlene Sinclair:
You really think so?

Officer Riley:
I work the PC squad.

Judge:
PC squad?

Officer Riley:
Police Classroom Squad.

Muse:
The world is round.

Charlene Sinclair:
What?

Muse:
You know how people think the earth is flat, like a pancake? Well it's not, it's round like an orange.

Charlene Sinclair:
The world is an orange... and?

Muse:
And? Well that's it. It's one of my best ones, don't you think?

Charlene Sinclair:
Yeah but what kind of an orange, is it navel or juicer, what?

Charlene Sinclair:
[while wearing a prosthetic tail] Isn't it just the most lovely night outside?

Earl Sinclair:
[happily] Good morning, my family who loves me!

Baby Sinclair:
[pointing] Not the Mama!

Earl Sinclair:
All right, that ends right now! I have had it up to here with this "Not the Mama". I am not "Not the Mama", I'm your daddy. And you only get one, buster, and that is what you're gonna call me. Daddy. Now say "Daddy".

[Baby refuses]

Earl Sinclair:
Say "Daddy"!

[Baby still refuses]

Earl Sinclair:
Okay. All right, all right, say "da".

Baby Sinclair:
Da.

Earl Sinclair:
Say "dee".

Baby Sinclair:
Dee.

Earl Sinclair:
Da.

Baby Sinclair:
Da.

Earl Sinclair:
Dee.

Baby Sinclair:
Dee.

Earl Sinclair:
Daddy!

Baby Sinclair:
Daddy!

Earl Sinclair:
Frannie!

Baby Sinclair:
Daddy!

Earl Sinclair:
[chuckles] Fran!

Baby Sinclair:
Daddy!

Earl Sinclair:
He loves me, listen to him!

Baby Sinclair:
[sings] Daddy, Daddy! [sings] Daddy, Da-daddy, D-Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Not the Mama!

[Earl glares at Baby]

[Charlene comes home feeling sad]

Earl Sinclair:
You are not going on any more dates!

Charlene Sinclair:
[sadly] Well that's fine with me.

Earl Sinclair:
Then we're in complete agreement.

Charlene Sinclair:
Yes, we are.

Earl Sinclair:
Why?

Charlene Sinclair:
[voice breaking] Well, because it was the most humiliating experience of my life.

Earl Sinclair:
[worried anger] What did he do to you?

Charlene Sinclair:
He dumped me.

Earl Sinclair:
[whispers to Fran] Is that what the kids are calling it now, Fran?

Charlene Sinclair:
He met a girl with a tail that was bigger than mine and he went off with her. I walked all the way home.

[Earl frowns in pity]

[Charlene finishes her 'tail' discussion to Fran]

Fran Sinclair:
Where are you going?

Charlene Sinclair:
[lowly] The roof.

[Charlene's tail has finally grown in]

Robbie Sinclair:
[laughs in disbelief] What did you do, buy the variety pack?

Charlene Sinclair:
[as Robbie touches her tail] You're wasting your time, Moron-a-saurus. It's real!

Earl Sinclair:
[aghast] 'Real'!

Robbie Sinclair:
[in disgust] What! Oh, no, man! Ugh, I touched my sister's tail!

Earl Sinclair:
[loses it, about Charlene's new tail] She's a tomato!

Film Announcer:
The Pangea Department of the Navy presents an instructional film on naval hygiene: "Cankers Aweigh!" or "Down Periscope."

Captain in Film:
Hey sailor! Going ashore?

Sailor in Film:
Oh, you betcha, sir! I'm gonna hit one of the local dance halls. I hear the native girls do the hoochie-coochie something wild!

Captain in Film:
Come about there, swabbie! Don't you know those waltzing Matildas can give you a mating dance related injury?

Sailor in Film:
Nah, that would never happen to me. That would happen to the other guy!

Captain in Film:
That's where you're wrong, sailor. Mating dance related injuries have reached epidemic proportions, and YOU could be next!

Sailor in Film:
This is valuable information. Tell me more!

Captain in Film:
Well we all know that the mating dance is most appropriate within the confines of a loving monogamous relationship, preferably marriage. But if you are going to dance with a stranger, always use protective footwear!

Sailor in Film:
Oh, come on, Captain! I don't have to worry. Nothing's going to happen to me.

Captain in Film:
That's what Ensign Doyle thought. Hey Doyle! C'mere! Show this fellow what a mating dance related injury looks like if left untreated!

TV Announcer:
And now back to "Totally Ineffectual Dad".

Mother on "Totally Ineffectual Dad":
[kid runs by on fire] Honey, I think something's wrong with Jimmy. He seems to be on fire. Shouldn't we talk to him?

Totally Ineffectual Dad:
I don't know, honey. What if I say the wrong thing?

Mother on "Totally Ineffectual Dad":
Oh dear. It looks like Jimmy tried to put out the fire himself by jumping in the river.

Totally Ineffectual Dad:
See? It's best we don't interfere in these matters.

Mother on "Totally Ineffectual Dad":
He doesn't know how to swim! YOU never taught him!

Totally Ineffectual Dad:
Let him learn to swim the way I did... on the street.

TV Announcer:
Tune in next week for the hilarious funeral episode on "Totally Ineffectual Dad!"

Ethyl Phillups:
[reading road map] According to this map, we've completely strayed from all known civilization. We've passed the Mysterious Gorge, and the River of Blood, and now we are deep in the heart of the Valley of the... Roosters.

Earl Sinclair:
Valley of the Roosters? Your eyes are shot, give me that map. Here it is, and it is not Valley of the Roosters, it's Valley of the Monsters. Monster!

[pause]

Ethyl Phillups:
See any... roosters out there?

Earl Sinclair:
No.

Ethyl Phillups:
Maybe we should turn around.

Earl Sinclair:
Good idea...

[large monster approaches them]

Earl Sinclair:
Uh, cock-a-doodle-doo.

Pearl Sinclair:
I wish he wasn't so mad at me.

Baby Sinclair:
Get him a toy!

Pearl Sinclair:
Oh, I think it'll take more than that, sugar.

Baby Sinclair:
More than a toy? Wow.

Pearl Sinclair:
I'm your Aunt Pearl. [Robbie and Charlene show no recognition] Your dad's sister. He DID tell you about me, didn't he?

Charlene Sinclair:
Aunt Pearl... Aunt Pearl... oh! When did you get out of prison?

Pearl Sinclair:
He told you I was in jail?

Charlene Sinclair:
Well he said you were either dead or in prison so...

Pearl Sinclair:
Oh that daddy of yours has got some sense of humor.

Charlene Sinclair, Robbie Sinclair:
Not really.

Pearl Sinclair:
Now wouldn't that be a hoot? If I got married and settled down here. Wouldn't that put a knot in Earl's britches?

Charlene Sinclair:
Yep, all the more reason to do it.

Robbie Sinclair:
Dad's been a real jerk lately.

Baby Sinclair:
He's no fun. I want YOU to be my daddy.

Pearl Sinclair:
Oh, I know you mean that in a sweet way.

Baby Sinclair:
No I don't.

Fran Sinclair:
Earl, all they were doing is listening to a little music.

Pearl Sinclair:
Yeah.

Earl Sinclair:
Tonight! But next they'll want to join a band and live on the road like gypsies. Traveling from town to town, always staying one step ahead of the law. Meeting colorful rogues and scallywags and getting into all kinds of scrapes.

Robbie Sinclair:
Gee, I was thinking about college but this sounds better.

Charlene Sinclair:
Would any of those scallywags be like, cute boys? [Fran and Pearl laugh]

Earl Sinclair:
See what you've done? You've corrupted them!

Pearl Sinclair:
Oh why don't you hush up?

Pearl Sinclair:
[singing] Some of us are trees, rooted in the ground. Some of us are leaves that the breeze blows all around. I've always been a leaf. Traveling fast and free. But how I've wished, I were meant to be a tree.

Earl Sinclair:
I was born an oak, the mightiest of trees. But I envied every leaf, floating gently on the breeze. And then a leaf explained...

Pearl Sinclair:
We're really just the same.

Earl Sinclair, Pearl Sinclair:
We share a single life, but we go by different names. So, if the wind gets too strong and we can't stay together, I hope you won't forget you're part of me forever.

Baby Sinclair:
Hi Captain Impressive! Will you autograph the trachea plug for me?

Earl Sinclair:
Baby, why would you want something so dangerous?

Baby Sinclair:
Because it's got YOUR name on it, and you're my HERO!

Earl Sinclair:
I WANTED to be your hero, but not to sell you things.

Baby Sinclair:
You got sneakers with a pump?

Earl Sinclair:
Daddy-got-a-new-job!

Baby Sinclair:
Can't'-see-the-T-V!

Robbie Sinclair:
Forget it, Dad, his favorite show's on.

Earl Sinclair:
Not anymore. [shuts TV off]

Baby Sinclair:
[cries] Wanna see Captain Action Figure!

Earl Sinclair:
What's so special about this Captain Action Guy?

Baby Sinclair:
He's my hero!

Earl Sinclair:
What's he got that I don't?

Baby Sinclair:
A TV show! Turn it back on!

Roy Hess:
Hey! We've been friends 20 years, Pally Boy, you never told me you could fly!

Earl Sinclair:
This is the first time's it's ever haaaaaappened! [lands] I swear!

Roy Hess:
Don't make it worse with a lie.

Earl Sinclair:
Hey let's stay focused, Roy, I was fly-i [almost takes off again] Whoa! Did you ever see anything like that happen before?

Roy Hess:
Well not in real life, but in comic books, spontaneous flight is fairly commonplace, for superheroes that is. [gasp] What if the toxic waste somehow gave you a vast arsenal of super powers? Why flying could be just the beginning.

Robbie Sinclair:
Well, he's a superhero, so he was probably born on a distant planet to a race of highly intelligent creatures.

Charlene Sinclair:
Well I heard he lives at the bottom of the sea in a dome kingdom made entirely of diamonds and big pearls.

Fran Sinclair:
Charlene, where'd you hear that?

Charlene Sinclair:
I have sources.

Earl Sinclair:
I'll let you know a little secret. If you take off the mask and cape and the funny costume, sometimes you find a real hero underneath.

Baby Sinclair:
...Looks like you.

Earl Sinclair:
That's the point. You see daddies are heroes too, and mommies. We may not have heat vision but we go to back breaking, mind numbing jobs, so you can grow up comfortably and have some nice things in your life. It may not be flashy, but it's real.

Earl Sinclair:
Ethyl, if I could move my arm I'd crack your head like a coconut.

Ethyl Phillups:
Yeah, but you can't. And you're too stupid to realize you've got another arm.

Earl:
I see what you're getting at, Mr. Richfield, but no amount of money is worth taking this away from my wife. Her happiness means the world to me.

B.P. Richfield:
Here's 50 bucks.

Earl:
It's a small world after all.

B.P. Richfield:
I hear you've got your 20th anniversary coming up, Sinclair.

Earl:
Errm... how suspiciously cordial of you to take an interest, sir.

Insurance Agent:
Mr. Sinclair, I would appraise the damages here at about...

Earl Sinclair:
Don't try and cheat me on this, 'cause I know you insurance guys. You have absolutely no ethics.

Insurance Agent:
Well how much would you say your television set was worth?

Earl Sinclair:
Ten thousand dollars. Good thing I popped for that extra meteor coverage, huh?

Robbie Sinclair:
There is something I've been thinking about and I wouldn't mind hearing what the family thinks. I'm a little confused about the nature of reality.

Earl Sinclair:
...No kidding?

Robbie Sinclair:
Right, like if a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around to see it or hear it, did it actually fall?

Fran Sinclair:
Ooh, now that IS intriguing. Who can build on that? [Earl gets up and heads out of the room] Where are you going?

Earl Sinclair:
I'm going to see if the tree fell. I'll be back in a couple of days.

Fran Sinclair:
If you leave this house, I will NEVER talk to you again.

Earl Sinclair:
Throw in the rest of the family and you got yourself a deal. [Fran gasps]

Earl Sinclair:
As you can see, I have separated all known dinosaur wisedom into three catagories: Animal. Vegetable. Rocks.

Robbie Sinclair:
What about fire?

Earl Sinclair:
Vegetable.

Charlene Sinclair:
What about water?

Earl Sinclair:
Water is the opposite of fire, which we have previously established as a vegetable. What's the opppsite of a vegetable? Fruit. So, water is a fruit. Fruit is not a vegetable, so it has to be either an animal or a rock. We know it's not an animal, therefore, fruit is a rock.

Charlene Sinclair:
Daddy, I asked you about water.

Earl Sinclair:
Robbie, ask me another one.

Robbie Sinclair:
Dad, you haven't gotten one right yet.

Earl Sinclair:
I'm finding my rhythm. Go ahead, ask me. Ask me.

Robbie Sinclair:
Okay, okay, what can fish do under water that dinosaurs can't?

Earl Sinclair:
Sing.

Robbie Sinclair:
Wrong. Breathe.

Earl Sinclair:
We can't breathe under water? That stinks.

Earl Sinclair:
As you can see, I have separated all known dinosaur wisdom into three categories: animal, vegetable, rocks.

Robbie Sinclair:
Well, what about fire?

Earl Sinclair:
Vegetable.

Charlene Sinclair:
What about water?

Earl Sinclair:
Water is the opposite of fire, which we have previously established as a vegetable. What's the opposite of a vegetable? Fruit. So, water is a fruit! Fruit is not a vegetable, so it has to be either an animal or a rock. We know it's not an animal. Therefore, fruit is a rock.

Earl Sinclair:
There's so much I don't know about running a house. For example, on these frozen dinners, when they say preheat the oven, do they mean the whole oven or just the space inside it?

Earl Sinclair:
Before I let Fran 'input' me. I'm gonna take everything she bought me, load it in the car, and return some of it.

Earl:
Tomorrow, you quit.

Fran:
I am not qutting.

Earl:
Yes you are.

Fran:
No I'm not.

Earl:
I've made my decision and I am the husband. Need I say more?

Fran:
[on TV] Husbands can be so pigheaded.

Earl:
Maybe I needed to say more.

[Seeing Fran on TV]

Roy:
Maybe it's her sister.

Sid:
Her sister wouldn't have the same name.

Roy:
I dunno, my brother Roy says it happens more often than you think.

Roy Hess:
Maybe, if you wish really, really hard, you can see Georgie.

Baby:
Don't toy with me!

Evil Georgie:
Sinclair, have a heart. You wouldn't punch out the most beloved character on childrens' TV? A-yuk, a-yuk.

Earl Sinclair:
[looks to the camera] This is for all you parents at home. [slugs Georgie] "A-yuk. A-yuk."

Fran Sinclair:
Oh Earl, don't go.

Earl Sinclair:
Frannie, I've gotta go. If I don't, I'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for the rest of the week, but probably by the end of the month. Do you have a calendar?

Fran Sinclair:
In or out, Earl. You're letting in the bugs.

Earl Sinclair:
[having been awarded the key to the city] Alotta good this does me. There's no door to this city.

Earl Sinclair:
[singsong] Look who's home!

[Baby turns his head and glares at Earl]

Baby Sinclair:
[demonic voice] Not the Mama!

[Baby rotates his head back as he growls]

Baby Sinclair:
I've got a present.

Francois Jean-Marie Poupon:
[curiously] Oh, I where would I find it?

Baby Sinclair:
In my diaper.

Francois Jean-Marie Poupon:
[furiously] Ugh! You are disgusting! Ha!

Baby Sinclair:
Shut up!

Francois Jean-Marie Poupon:
Awk!

Baby Sinclair:
Shut up!

Francois Jean-Marie Poupon:
Awk!

Baby Sinclair:
Shut up!!

Francois Jean-Marie Poupon:
Awk!

Baby Sinclair:
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

[Baby and Francois scream at each other in argument]

Baby Sinclair:
[hits his daddy with a frying pan] Not la mere! Not la mere!

[as Francois and Baby argue]

Fran Sinclair:
You know, Earl, I'm actually learning a lot about the cultural differences between us and Francois's species. We may be different on the outside, but underneath it all...

[goes to a furious tone]

Fran Sinclair:
...I really want to kill them! I wanna kill every single one of them!

Earl Sinclair:
Fran, this is the side of you I've never seen before! I wanna take it hunting.

[snickers deviously]

Earl Sinclair:
What is that sound I hear? Is it someone running down our proud nation? Someone spitting on our glorious flag? Oh! Then it must be Monica!

Fran Sinclair:
She's just stating her opinion, Earl.

Earl Sinclair:
Yeah, an unpatriotic negative left-wing wacko opinion!

Monica DiVertibrae:
Are you suggesting we just ignore the problems out there?

Earl Sinclair:
As patriotic citizens, it is our duty! According to the Chief Elder, times are only bad if we think they're bad. So we should fill our heads with happy thoughts, and our nation will prosper!

Monica DiVertibrae:
You're just deluding yourself.

Earl Sinclair:
Exactly! And it's that kind of delusion that's made our country what it is today.

Earl:
I know they just crawled out of the sludge and I hate to be critical of other life forms, but God, I hate lawyers.

Baby Sinclair:
I'm alone in here.

[Ethyl is happy because Earl has been challenged to a fight to the death by an animal nine times his size]

Robbie Sinclair:
But I like Dad.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
No, you're just used to him.

Earl:
[picks up a sock near as big as him] What's this?

Fran Sinclair:
Gary's sock. He thinks I'm going to do his laundry.

Earl:
His laundry, he sent you - his sock? His foot? How many of these feet does this guy have?

Robbie Sinclair:
[Earl decides to fight Gary] Dad, are you sure about this? You saw Gary's sock.

Earl:
Bring on his socks, bring on his shorts, bring on the whole hamper!

Robbie Sinclair:
I want to go on record, I'm pretty sure killing Dad is wrong.

Fran Sinclair:
I love Earl.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
That's sweet. [beat] Okay, we've mourned long enough, what say we start cleaning out his closet?

Earl:
[to Gary] Maybe you should just go back where you came from.

Fran Sinclair:
And put those pine trees back where you found them!

Earl:
[Begins to read a poem] "How do I say goodbye to you... "

[doorbell rings]

Earl:
See ya.

Robert"Robbie" Sinclair:
I wrote this song for a girl who used to ignore me, until I played it for her .

Baby Sinclair:
[watching TV with Earl] Ha ha ha ha ha! Puppets! Ha ha ha ha!

Purple female puppet:
To which Lord Bellington replied "Madam, that is not my wife, that is the arch-bishop."

Green male puppet:
Toh! That would explain his reluctance to dance with me! Yes, yes...

Purple female puppet:
That, and his dreadful taste in hats! [both laugh]

Earl Sinclair:
[laughs] Hey, hey, Frannie - you gotta see this puppet show. It's terrific!

Baby Sinclair:
Uh-huh!

Fran Sinclair:
Earl, that's for kids.

Earl Sinclair:
Yeah, you'd think that because they're puppets - so the show seems to have a children's asthetic. [turns to camera] Yet the dialouge is unquestionably sharp-edged, witty and thematically skewed to adults.

Purple female puppet:
Here comes our neighbor, Mr. Argyle.

Green male puppet:
Dah!

Mr. Argyle:
Ah! Good day to you, lassie and laddie! And where is that athletic son of yours?

Purple female puppet:
Well he's...

Son:
Hello, Mummy and Daddy!

Purple female puppet:
He's here.

Son:
Look who I brought home for dinner! [two decorated female sock puppets come in]

Purple female puppet:
Oh! Don't you bring that pair of hos into this house! [they gasp]

Earl Sinclair:
[laughs] I'm telling you Fran, this show works on two levels!

Fran Sinclair:
[questioning and incredulous] They look like puppets. I'm not watching.

Robbie Sinclair:
[as Robbie picks up a jar with green liquid in it, trying to feed Baby] Open up.

Baby Sinclair:
I don't like that. [Robbie picks up another jar with brown sugar-like contents in it] I don't like that. [Robbie picks up another jar with chucks of meat in it, opens it, and spoons it out] I don't like that.

Robbie Sinclair:
Eat this!

Baby Sinclair:
Okay.

Robbie Sinclair, Baby Sinclair:
Ahhhhhhhh...

Robbie Sinclair:
All right, now look, be a good baby brother and fall asleep or something.

Baby Sinclair:
How come you're the babysitter?

Robbie Sinclair:
Because I got grounded.

Baby Sinclair:
I'm your punishment?

Robbie Sinclair:
Yep.

Baby Sinclair:
I like that.

Robbie Sinclair:
I'm happy *you're* happy.

Baby Sinclair:
Why'd you get grounded?

Robbie Sinclair:
Because of this girl, Caroline.

Baby Sinclair:
She nice?

Robbie Sinclair:
Yeah, she's pretty hot.

Baby Sinclair:
Hot, don't touch!

Robbie Sinclair:
No, no, no, this is the kind of hot you *want* to touch.

Baby Sinclair:
I don't get it.

Robbie Sinclair:
Neither do I.

Baby Sinclair:
[to Wendy] You have a bad reputation.

Robbie Sinclair:
[hits Spike after he interrupts Robbie and Wendy] A kiss on my cheek, Spike!

Spike:
What?

Robbie Sinclair:
A kiss on my cheek, if you hadn't shown up it could've been my mouth, it could've been my lips.

Spike:
It could've been your whole face! I just saved your life, Sinclair. I've been out asking around about Wendy, she's bad news!

Robbie Sinclair:
I'm not interested in your stupid locker room stories.

Spike:
[takes out notebook] Okay, last boyfriend transferred to another school, never registered, never showed up. Boyfriend number two, allegedly went off to join the army, no record of his enlistment. And boyfriend number three, Josh Meltzer, whereabouts, who knows?

Robbie Sinclair:
What're you implying?

Spike:
I think we both know what's going on. There's a girl like that in every school, a little hungrier than the others, she goes through boyfriends, she chews them up...

Robbie Sinclair:
And spits them out?

Spike:
Naw, she digests them. Face it, Scooter, your girlfriend is an eater!

Robbie Sinclair:
Spike heard this idiotic rumor that Wendy eats all her boyfriends.

Charlene Sinclair:
[laughs] Everyone knows that.

Robbie Sinclair:
What do you mean everyone?

Charlene Sinclair:
Everyone! They're all surprised you lasted this long, she must be dieting.

Robbie Sinclair:
Why didn't you say anything?

Charlene Sinclair:
I was going to. See, do nails, pick up eyeshadow, warn Robbie his life is in danger, see? It was next on my list.

Fran Sinclair:
Robbie, you like this girl but you're breaking up with her because of what people are saying about her, now does that make sense? When I met your father all of my friends said he had no ambition, would never amount to anything and would stay a tree pusher all his life, now were they right? [looks at Earl] Maybe that's not the best example... why didn't I listen to them?

Earl Sinclair:
What reason could you possibly have for breaking up with this girl?

Robbie Sinclair:
She's gonna eat me, Dad!

Earl Sinclair:
...Well no relationship is perfect, why your own mother forgets to put the cap back on the toothpaste.

Fran Sinclair:
Wendy.

Wendy Richfield:
Yes?

Fran Sinclair:
You should know that your fellow students have been circulating a rumor that you have... an eating disorder.

Wendy Richfield:
What?

Charlene Sinclair:
[accusingly] You ate your last four boyfriends and now you're gonna eat Robbie!

Wendy Richfield:
[shouts] That's not true!

[Earl, Charlene, and Baby go startled]

Wendy Richfield:
[now calm] I - I never ate anybody.

Fran Sinclair:
I believe you, dear, but you have to admit four boyfriends all disappeared, never to be seen again

Wendy Richfield:
I know, it's so strange, but it's not me. It's like there's something out there devouring my boyfriends! Someone's trying to stop me from having any kind of relationship; trying to keep me from growing up. I mean, what kind of horrible monster would...

[sighs in exasperation]

Wendy Richfield:
Daddy!

Earl Sinclair:
Daddy?

[Charlene and Fran gasp in horror]

Earl Sinclair:
[finally gets it] Daddy!

Baby Sinclair:
Uh-oh!

Robbie:
Dad, after you throw grandma into the tar pit, is there life after that?

Earl:
For me there is.

B.P. Richfield:
This is a big moment for you, Sinclair, and nobody can take it away from you or I would've.

Earl:
[about hurling Ethyl] Without this, my life means nothing.

Robbie Sinclair:
Well then I guess my life must mean nothing, because when your time comes, I'm not throwing you.

Earl:
Why the hell not?

Robbie Sinclair:
Because you're my father, just because you get old doesn't mean you stop being my father.

Earl:
Who do you love?

Baby Sinclair:
Mama.

Earl:
Who do you love second best?

Baby Sinclair:
Mama.

Earl:
Alright, let's try this again. Who is talking to you right now?

Baby Sinclair:
Not the mama!

Robbie Sinclair:
[looking at old pictures] Is this me?

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
Yeah, that's you on your Grandpa Louie's back, hitting him on the head with a pot.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
It's the baby!

Baby Sinclair:
It's the Grandma. [Earl enters] Uh oh.

Earl:
[dryly] Hello Mother Phillips.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
Hello fat boy!

Fran Sinclair:
It's just for the rest of her life, how long could that be?

Earl:
I don't know, Fran, nobody ever died of old age.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
You know... I feel like I could live to be a million.

Robbie Sinclair:
Mom, it used to be that old dinosaurs couldn't hunt for food, now we have supermarkets, it used to be that old dinosaurs slowed down the pack, now we live in houses. So isn't throwing Grandma off a cliff just a waste of a perfectly good old lady?

Earl Sinclair:
You stay away from my son you pea pusher.

Robbie Sinclair:
Dad, so what if they eat a few peas? They're proud of who they are. You know, I have a dream that someday a dinosaur will be judged, not by the contents of his lunchbox, but the quality of his character.

Robbie Sinclair:
Charlene, I'm gonna bite your head off!

Charlene Sinclair:
Ooh, he's not a carnivore, he's a cannibal! [laughs]

Earl Sinclair:
He gets it from your side.

Fran Sinclair:
What?

Earl Sinclair:
Your Uncle Elmo, the one they never talk about, he always ate off the wrong side of the plate.

Charlene Sinclair:
I'm carnivorous, Daddy, I'll eat anything that moves. [opens the fridge] It's Charlene. [creatures scream]

Earl Sinclair:
Charlene, you are now my new son.

Charlene Sinclair:
Thanks, Daddy, can I have money for lipstick?

Earl Sinclair:
Of course, son.

Baby Sinclair:
You got spit up?

Earl Sinclair:
Yep.

Baby Sinclair:
You got spit up too?

Robbie Sinclair:
Yeah.

Baby Sinclair:
Did you bring me a present?

[first lines]

Baby Sinclair:
[after Baby finishes his bottle] More.

Fran Sinclair:
You've finished your bottle, dear, you're full now.

Baby Sinclair:
Not full, empty; fill me up.

Fran Sinclair:
Honey, that was dinner. Next bottle's at bedtime.

Baby Sinclair:
[yawns] Tired, sleepy, night-night.

Fran Sinclair:
No night-night.

Baby Sinclair:
Night-night!

Fran Sinclair:
No night-night.

Baby Sinclair:
Bottle!

Fran Sinclair:
Not till night-night.

Baby Sinclair:
This stinks.

Charlene Sinclair:
I'm carnivorous, Daddy, I'll eat anything that moves.

[opens the fridge]

Charlene Sinclair:
It's Charlene.

[the creatures scream]

Earl:
Charlene, you are now my new son.

Charlene Sinclair:
Thanks, Daddy, can I have money for lipstick?

Baby:
Wait a minute! Lightning struck twice in the same place?

Fran Sinclair:
[to Earl] You were in the tree and [looks] oh my - the tree! [the storm has torn down the tree WeSaySo was to blow up]

Ethyl Phillups:
[narrating the end of the story] There is a time when each of us shall return to the Earth, this was the tree's time, but it was nature that decided, nature, and not the dinosaur.

Ethyl Phillups:
[wrapping up If You Were a Tree] Good story, eh?

Baby:
Stupid!

Ethyl Phillups:
Why do you say that?

Baby:
The tree pusher, he didn't learn anything, stupid!

Ethyl Phillups:
But did YOU learn something?

Baby:
[realization]... Yeah.

Fran Sinclair:
[after showing Baby the video entitled "Solo Wilderness Ritual"] So, did you understand the tape?

Baby Sinclair:
Yeah, gimme a cookie!

Fran Sinclair:
But we are all out of cookies.

Baby Sinclair:
Go to the store!

Fran Sinclair:
NO, and that is why you need to be left out in the woods so you can learn that the world does NOT revolve around *you*!

Baby Sinclair:
Mama's not going to the store?

Fran Sinclair:
Nope.

Baby Sinclair:
Ah, I understand...

[slight pause]

Baby Sinclair:
Daddy, go to the store!

Woodrow:
[Baby realizes that He has to save his family] No no no, stay, stay, uh... um... I got milkshakes... pixie sticks...

[Baby leaves]

Woodrow:
Raw cookie dough!

Earl Sinclair:
Surely we can talk about this. After all, this is kind of a coincidence.

Officer Bettleheim:
A coincidence? How?

Earl Sinclair:
Well, that ticket has my name on it, and I do believe this crisp one dollar bill has your name on it. Wouldn't you call that a coincidence?

Officer Bettleheim:
No, I would call that a cheap attempt at bribery.

Earl Sinclair:
What if it was a five? What? Oh, come on, you're not giving me another ticket.

Officer Bettleheim:
Section 9, Paragraph 4, setting a bad moral example for a child.

Earl Sinclair:
I have three kids, and I love them.

Robbie Sinclair:
Hey, Dad.

Earl Sinclair:
Shut up, I'm talking.

Fran Sinclair:
Earl, do you have to spend every spare second reading that manual? It's just a car.

Earl Sinclair:
Frannie, you are such a female. First of all, it's a brand new car, and as such, it is a reflection of who I am.

Fran Sinclair:
It is a bulky, bottom-of-the-line fuel guzzler with no pick-up, no options, and it's completely owned by the bank.

Earl Sinclair:
Love you, too.

Earl Sinclair:
I mean you don't need a license to go fishing or own a gun, but being a parent, for that you need a license.

Earl Sinclair:
I've spent 15 years raising three kids. The only thing I'd use that parenting manual for is to whack their butts.

Earl Sinclair:
[as Baby begins to take off his diaper] I'm warning you! I may not be a licensed parent, but I'm still the adult here. And I'm telling!

Earl Sinclair:
It's quite simple. You have to be selective in order to be effective.

Fran Sinclair:
Oh shut up.

Robbie Sinclair:
It's a long story.

Officer Bettleheim:
I like stories. I like 'em just fine.

Fran Sinclair:
[to Officer Bettleheim] Maybe if you had experience as a real parent, you'd know how to handle children without pulling a gun.

Earl Sinclair:
Not that I haven't considered that myself.

Officer Bettleheim:
You're once, twice, three times a loser, lady.

Officer Bettleheim:
Mr. Sinclair, you weren't engaged in any unlicensed parenting, were you?

Fran Sinclair:
Maybe I've learned something today. Good parenting does come from here.

[points to heart]

Fran Sinclair:
But when you need a little help, you can find it here.

[points to parenting manual]

Earl Sinclair:
So you're saying it's not black or white, it's a little bit of both? Gee, now there's something you don't see on TV.

[last lines] [as the credits roll]

Narrator:
For violating the parent code and displaying severe emotional instability, Officer Bettleheim was suspended from the Parent Patrol. He will be allowed to return to duty when he has thought good and hard about what he has done. For scratching his father's brand new car, Robert Mark Sinclair was grounded for six to ten years. He is currently serving his sentence in his room. And finally, Baby Sinclair was found guilty on 22 counts of assault with a frying pan.

Baby Sinclair:
[angry] I was framed!

Charlene Sinclair:
Oh, Officer Bettleheim?

Officer Bettleheim:
What?

Charlene Sinclair:
Did I mention Robbie scratched the car when he rammed into your motorcycle?

Robbie Sinclair:
*You're dead*!

Officer Bettleheim:
My... my *what*!

Robbie Sinclair:
So, Dad, when do I get to take her for a spin?

Earl Sinclair:
It's a new car, son, it's not mean to be driven.

Robbie Sinclair:
But you just let Mom take it.

Earl Sinclair:
Son, your mother is a capable, responsible...

[hears engine roar]

Earl Sinclair:
WHAT? WAIT FOR ME!

Fran Sinclair:
[They are driving to the doctor's office] How about a cupcake?

Baby Sinclair:
Ooh, cupcake.

Earl Sinclair:
[driving] You're giving a kid a cupcake in a new car? What are you thinking about?

Fran Sinclair:
Him. He gets a little nervous whenever I take him to the pediatrician so I'm trying to make the whole experience a little more positive. It's called parenting, Earl.

Earl Sinclair:
Oh, please. I've been parenting for 15 years, nobody has to tell me how to be a good dad.

[to Baby]

Earl Sinclair:
You get one crumb on that seat, and you're crawling home, buster.

Officer Bettleheim:
License please.

[Earl shows him]

Officer Bettleheim:
Not your driver's license, your parent's license. I'm with the Parent Patrol, and you're in a lot of trouble, Mister.

Fran Sinclair:
Well, Earl, see what happens when you lose your temper?

Earl Sinclair:
Oh please. He's just the Parent Patrol, it's not like he's the real police.

Officer Bettleheim:
Beg your pardon?

Earl Sinclair:
Oh nothing. So what's the problem, Officer, did I stop in a No Diapering zone?

Officer Bettleheim:
Parent Code Section 7, Paragraph 3, a crying child must be handled with sympathy and patience. You were screaming at the boy, Mr. Sinclair. I'm giving you a citation, just like the real police.

Officer Brazzelton:
Hello, I'm Dr. Brazzelton, and I have to give your child a very scary and painful shot.

Earl Sinclair:
[to Baby] There was one little boy who wouldn't let the doctor give him a shot. And you know what happened to him? His toes fell off, his eyes melted, and his head swelled up.

[Baby faints]

Earl Sinclair:
Okay, Doc, he's out, stick 'im.

Earl Sinclair:
[studying his parent's manual while Baby chants gibberish] Do you mind? I'm trying to study!

Baby Sinclair:
[squirming in his high chair] My diaper's itching. I think I'll... take it off.

Earl Sinclair:
[looking up from his parent's manual] Don't you dare!

B.P. Richfield:
I am the happiest person you'll ever meet you worthless bucket of chow.

Earl:
Well that's obvious from your sunny disposition, sir.

B.P. Richfield:
SHUT UP.

Earl Sinclair:
[Just awaken from a nightmare] Yeah it's still Thursday night, and I haven't alienated my friends and family for the sake of a ridiculous material possession.

Fran Sinclair:
Uh, no you haven't.

Earl Sinclair:
Yes, fellas, if you look up happiness in the dictionary, you'll find a bunch of words that describe how I feel.

Earl Sinclair:
Fran, that mug as you call it has made us happier than we've ever been, if you weren't so angry you'd see that.

Earl:
Worth every last dollar. Which, by the way, it took.

Earl:
He's our perpetrator. Lock him up and throw away the key.

Fran:
Earl, this is our child.

Earl:
Okay, you can keep the key.

B.P. Richfield:
[about Earl's Fernhill mug] Who said you could own one of those things?

Earl:
If I'm not mistaken, sir, I believe I am entitled to have possessions.

B.P. Richfield:
I suppose there's no way I could keep you from it. Legally.

The Devil:
Each time that lifestyles show comes on, business picks up like crazy.

Earl:
You're Him. You're the guy on the cans of devilled ham.

The Devil:
Not any more, I'm suing those guys for copyright infringement.

Earl:
Roy borrowed my mug?

Fran Sinclair:
Yes, he said he wanted to impress a date.

Earl:
You loaned it to Roy? He's riff raff! Oh, Mr. Richfield was right. [Roy enters from behind; Earl doesn't notice] Now Cap'n Willy's stranded in Roy's crummy little low-rent dump, while Roy and some sleazy cookie slobber over it and paw it with their greasy little fingers!

Baby Sinclair:
Hi, Uncle Roy.

Roy Hess:
I'll see myself out, former pally-boy.

Salesman:
Cap'n Willy, the old salt. A collectable mug from the world famous Fernhill Mint. Now you'd probably expect to pay a lot for a hand crafted work of art like this, and you'd be right. It's absurdly expensive. But can you really afford to live without it?

Earl Sinclair:
No.

Salesman:
Then call now. And please be patient as we check your credit. Only the select few can qualify for ownership of this limited edition master work.

Earl Sinclair:
[Oh phone] Hello.

[Is asked name]

Earl Sinclair:
Earl Sinclair.

[Person on other end hangs up]

Earl Sinclair:
Hello?

Neighbor:
You Sinclair kids come over here at the middle of the night on the 31st of October and expect me to give you candy? GET LOST.

Robbie Sinclair:
Hmm, next time maybe we should wear costumes.

Baby Sinclair, Robbie Sinclair:
Naw.

Earl Sinclair:
Fran, I have been waiting in that car with your mother for ten minutes. Just your mother and me. In the car. Ten minutes. AAAAAAAHHH.

Earl Sinclair:
Fran, I have been waiting in that car with your mother for ten minutes. Just your mother and me. In the car. Ten... minutes. AAAAAAAHAHHHHHH!

Robbie Sinclair:
Hello, emergency? I want to report a dead baby dinosaur. What happened? Well, he pretended to choke on a cookie and when his big brother found out he was faking, [hangs up phone] he beat the living tar out of him.

Robbie Sinclair:
[as Baby tries to eat a cookie] I'm in charge, and I'm telling you, put the cookie down!

Howard Handupme:
Stay tuned for the movie of the week, based on this incident, but with a much more exciting ending. And nudity.

Earl Sinclair:
Mr. Toilet's a friend, and the best way to treat a new friend is to sit on them and give them a big present.

Baby Sinclair:
That's disgusting!

Earl Sinclair:
That may be, but you're gonna do it anyway.

Earl:
Why am I so selfish? Why?

Robbie:
I see something, hand me the binoculars.

Earl:
No, they're mine.

Earl Sinclair:
This is female's work. That's why I married a female.

Fran Sinclair:
[Growing impatient] We'll discuss this later. I don't want to lose my temper in front of the B-A-B-Y.

Earl Sinclair:
Alright, but I'm telling you right now, I'm not changing anymore D-I-P... No wait a minute, uh... D-A-I-... uh, no...

[the Baby spells out "They think I can't spell" with his blocks and chuckles]

Baby:
You sure you know what you're doing?

Earl:
Haven't a clue.

Earl:
Junior, have we made a little deposit in the porcelain bank?

Earl Sinclair:
[Baby is straining] And what would you be doing?

Baby Sinclair:
...nothing.

Earl Sinclair:
You're gonna make a poop, aren't you?

Baby Sinclair:
...maybe... [continues straining]

Robbie Sinclair:
He's goin'.

Charlene Sinclair:
Definitely.

Earl Sinclair:
Are you going or not?

Baby Sinclair:
[strains than sighs relieved] Not anymore.

Earl Sinclair:
Alright, that's it! We're going back up to the bathroom and we're not coming out until one of us is potty trained!

[Potty training Baby]

Earl:
Now, imagine there's a fire and you are the fire captain. No. No. No. I'm not the fire. The fire's over there.

Fran Sinclair:
Mother, what's wrong?

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
First off, you married THAT!

Roy Hess:
[the baby needs changing] You better do something, pally-boy, I'm starting to feel a little woozy.

Earl Sinclair:
[rolls up his sleeves] Yeah, I guess there's no avoiding the dirty work. Fran, We need a diaper change in here pronto!

Fran Sinclair:
I've changed every diaper in this house for the past 15 years and now, it's YOUR turn.

Earl Sinclair:
Well, we're skipping my turn.

Baby:
I'm not getting any fresher over here.

Robbie Sinclair:
You know, Dad, Mom's got a point. It is kinda sexist to expect her to change all the diapers because she's a female.

Earl Sinclair:
Well, we don't wanna be sexist, now do we, son? Here, [hands him diaper] Knock yourself out.

TV Announcer:
One badge. One gun. Three horns. Triceracops!

Lieutenant:
Triceracops, you're unconventional! One more stunt like that and I'll have your BADGE!

Triceracops:
Have this! [shoots Lieutenant six times] Anything else, Lieutenant?

TV Announcer:
Triceracops. Coming this fall on ABC.

Roy Hess:
Wow. A maverick cop who can't work within the system. I think that's unprecedented.

[the Baby had run away on Ethyl's wheelchair. Finding the clues, Earl slowly discovers something]

Earl:
Some fiend broke in, flushed the baby down the toilet, drank his juice and escaped on Ethyl's wheelchair. And yet he didn't take my wallet

[picking it up from the counter]

Earl:
We're obviously dealing with somebody very stupid.

Fran Sinclair:
Robbie, quit poking your sister.

Robbie Sinclair:
Not until she supports her hypothesis that truth is knowable.

Charlene Sinclair:
I wasn't talking about imperical evidence, buttface!

Fran Sinclair:
Cut it out or I won't let you go to school tomorrow! I mean it!

Robbie Sinclair:
Whoa, we'll be good, we'll be good.

Charlene Sinclair:
Yeah, promise.

Robbie Sinclair:
Promise.

Charlene Sinclair:
Ugh, Mom, I just don't see why I can't go to school today.

Fran Sinclair:
Because it's Saturday, dear.

Earl Sinclair:
[repeated line, watching new hit TV shows] I don't get it.

Fran Sinclair:
I was just at the market talking to some of the other mothers, and they said their kids are suddenly doing badly in school, they're like, zombies. [sees Robbie, Baby and Ethyl staring blankly at the TV] Oh this has gone on far enough, if we're going to watch something, we're going to watch the news channel, Robbie, turn on channel 8.

Robbie Sinclair:
Huh? Oh. [raises the remote above his head] Which one's 8?

Fran Sinclair:
What? Oh give me that!

Baby Sinclair:
[watching Baby Cuddlebunny] Not the pajamas, not the pajamas.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
It's amazing the way a phrase like that can catch on.

Earl Sinclair:
[Richfield picks up a large rock] Oh my gosh, look out, a rock!

B.P. Richfield:
Not just any rock you bonehead, this is a Peacekeeper 3000. I'm not talking about poked eyes, one of these babies can bust a head wide open.

Earl Sinclair:
You sell those to the enemy? But my son is out there, he may even be killed!

B.P. Richfield:
I didn't know that, I also don't care!

Fran Sinclair:
They're throwing dirt clods?

Roy Hess:
Let 'em, our boys are gonna be throwing sticks.

Fran Sinclair:
Sticks! Somebody could put out an eye. Earl, I want you to go there and bring Robbie home.

Earl Sinclair:
Frannie, sweetheart, that's not possible.

Fran Sinclair:
Why not? Our son could be in danger!

Earl Sinclair:
Frannie, it's a military operation. No one's allowed up there, no mommies, no daddies, just soldiers.

Charlene Sinclair:
And USO girls like me. [Fran looks at Earl and Roy in consideration]

Howard Handupme:
[reading a report] No! No! Dear God in Heaven, say it isn't so! Please, no! [realizes he's on camera] It's nothing, now here's Dwayne with sports.

Fran Sinclair:
[to Earl] What was it? It was something bad, wasn't it? Why won't they tell us what's going on?

Earl Sinclair:
Hey guys, it's not that I don't blindly believe everything the government's telling us, but what do you think of the news blackout all of a sudden?

Sid:
What're you saying there, Earl?

Earl Sinclair:
I'm saying after all the good news all of a sudden, they're not telling us anything.

Charlene Sinclair:
[after the war is over] I heard that somebody got killed.

Robbie Sinclair:
Yeah, it was some new guy... but you know we could've won!

Earl Sinclair:
Robbie, what're you saying?

Robbie Sinclair:
Well, I'm saying it's terrible that guy got killed and all, but you know we had those four-leggers on the run, we could've won it.

Earl Sinclair:
A boy died, don't you see the fighting didn't solve anything?

Fran Sinclair:
Come on, Robbie, let's get you out of that uniform, you have school tomorrow.

Robbie Sinclair:
Forget school, a bunch of the guys were talking about keeping the army together if they came back, they'll set up a base at the swamp so we'll be ready for them next time. They're working on a WHOLE NEW line of weapons, yeah!

Earl Sinclair:
Stop it! You're not a soldier, you're a kid, [pulls Robbie into a close hug] You're gonna go to school, you're gonna take girlfriends to dances, you're gonna drive me crazy like you always have, until it's time for you to grow up.

Robbie Sinclair:
Dad?

Earl Sinclair:
It's allright son, it's over... you're home.

Earl Sinclair:
Fran, can you bring some more pistachios in here?

Fran Sinclair:
We're all out, Earl.

Earl Sinclair:
What?

Fran Sinclair:
That was the last jar.

Earl Sinclair:
Fran, I don't ask for much from you. A clean house, three square meals a day, gardening, raising the kids, a little light plumbing, scheduled maintenance on the car. So when I ask you to keep a few pistachios on hand, I think maybe you can take a little time to get out of your bubble bath and get down to the market.

Earl Sinclair:
[Earl, Roy, and Charlene have finished performing at a USO show]

Earl Sinclair:
I didn't see Robbie. Did anyone see Robbie?

Roy Hess:
They loved us. One guy threw me his keys.

Charlene Sinclair:
Oh Daddy. I know what I want to do now! No more aimlessly drifting through life. I was born to give pleasure to whole groups of boys!

Earl:
Fran, it's a nightmare out there, our boys are getting their eyes poked out! Everything we've been told is a lie!

Charlene Sinclair:
Dad, I can't go out there. I'm too nervous.

Roy Hess:
Oh. Here's a tip for stage fright.

Charlene Sinclair:
What?

Roy Hess:
Imagine the audience is in their underwears.

Charlene Sinclair:
Two thousand teenage boys in their underwear? See you on stage.

Earl Sinclair:
Hello, soldier. You have a special girl waiting for you at home?

Soldier:
Just my Mom.

Earl Sinclair:
Well you know, you really should try dating somebody outside your immediate family.

General H. Norman Conquest:
You! Where do you think you're going? This is a war zone.

Earl Sinclair:
But my son...

General H. Norman Conquest:
And you brought a ray of sunshine to it, little lady. I just want to say thank you.

Earl Sinclair:
Oh, if there was only more that I could give. Well, if you'll excuse me...

General H. Norman Conquest:
No need to run off. We're just getting to know each other.

Earl Sinclair:
Uh, I'm not the kind of girl you think I am. Really.

General H. Norman Conquest:
You know, there's a lot of things a male of my position can offer a hard-working girl like you.

Earl Sinclair:
Uh, believe me, I already have a lot of the same things you do.

General H. Norman Conquest:
For starters, perhaps you'd be interested in some silk stockings or chocolates?

Earl Sinclair:
No, General. Please. I don't... Chocolates?

Sarge:
Hey, lady! What are you doing out here? This is a war zone.

Earl Sinclair:
Are those sticks?

Sarge:
They ain't candy canes, missy. What do you think took this out? [points to his missing eye]

Earl Sinclair:
Uh, running with scissors?

Sarge:
Wrong! It was a stick with my name on it.

Earl Sinclair:
Wow. What are the odds?

Mr. Myman:
[trying to keep Fran and Baby in showbusiness] You could have your own show, talk about anything you want, cooking, household cleaning... how you raise everybody's favorite baby.

Baby:
Mama?

Fran Sinclair:
Hmm?

Baby:
WHERE'S MY LIMO?

Fran Sinclair:
[to Mr. Myman] You want to know how I'm going to raise my baby? Well it is NOT going to be on some movie lot surrounded by a bunch of manipulative, two faced cellular phonies. He's going to be raised here by a family that loves him and knows what's best for him.

Mr. Myman:
I see, [to Baby] Your mama's trying to flush your career down the toilet. We're not going to let her get away with that, are we?

Baby:
[looks at Fran and back to Myman] Yes! [hits Myman with a frying pan]

Grown Baby:
[Fran's premonition, on a talk show] I wanted to quit, but she kept pushing me! She couldn't get enough! She! She! SHE!

Sally:
You mean... your mother?

Grown Baby:
Yeah, my mother. She was there when I was hot. But where was she when I didn't get arrested, Sal? Where was she when I DID get arrested?

Sally:
[after a video on the talk show shows Baby's arrest] Tragic. And I understand you wrote a book about your life.

Grown Baby:
Yeah, I wrote it when I was doing a nickel in the slammer. I call it...

[takes out his autobiography]

Grown Baby:
'I Blame You, Mommy!' I BLAME YOU! YOU! YOU!

[Fran's premonition ends]

Fran Sinclair:
[in horror] Oh, what have I done! My poor baby!

Earl Sinclair:
Mr. Richfield, I think maybe you shouldn't talk to my kid like that.

B.P. Richfield:
Think? You don't think. You're a tree pusher and you work for me. Or have you forgotten who you're talking to?

Earl Sinclair:
Yes, sir, I have. And until I remember I just wanna say, I don't care if you have enough money to buy the dome or the whole lousy volcano. We're not...

B.P. Richfield:
Wait a second, what did you say?

Earl Sinclair:
I said I don't care if you have enough money to buy the dome...

B.P. Richfield:
No, no, the other part.

Earl Sinclair:
Buy the volcano?

B.P. Richfield:
Yes. Great idea.

Robbie Sinclair:
I don't want your money.

Charlene Sinclair:
I do.

B.P. Richfield:
Smart girl. You must be very proud of your daughter.

Earl Sinclair:
Oh yes, my daughter, very proud, all mine. My son, who knows? I was in babylon.

Fran Sinclair:
Look at this heating bill. It's stamped 'pay now or die'.

Earl Sinclair:
At least they're still giving us a choice.

Robbie:
Dad, this was supposed to be a big fun day and Mom's trying to kill it for all of us. Who's the boss around here?

Earl:
Yeah. Fran?

Fran:
[yelling] What?

Earl:
She is.

Fran:
Don't worry, Robbie, your family is behind you no matter what.

Earl:
I want you out of this house now.

Baby:
I wanna go to school.

Charlene:
Why?

Baby:
So I can stay home.

Charlene:
You are home.

Baby:
Then I got my way.

[on the phone]

B.P. Richfield:
Sinclair.

Earl:
Mr. Richfield, I'm sorry.

B.P. Richfield:
Stop apologizing. You didn't do anything.

Earl:
I'm sorry my apology offended you, sir.

B.P. Richfield:
Stop being so obsequious.

Earl:
That was never my intent, your majesty.

Mr. Ashland:
We don't eat our enemies. We have lawyers for that.

Robbie:
I want to win this fair and square.

Spike:
How have you managed to stay alive so long?

Fran Sinclair:
[about a glass-dome contraption used to make jelly] This makes the jelly taste better. The flavor goes up in this dome and gets caught in these tubes...

Charlene Sinclair:
Gee, Mom, that's real fascinating. But how about if I go to the store and buy some jelly... and we can both have a life.

Fran Sinclair:
Charlene!

Charlene Sinclair:
Or not.

Mr. Ashland:
This is a disaster!

B.P. Richfield:
But nothing a chief executive of your enormous power and authority can't handle, right, Mr. Ashland?

Mr. Ashland:
Cut the butt-kissing, Richfield.

B.P. Richfield:
Yes, sir.

Mr. Ashland:
Do you know what I do with a butt-kisser?

B.P. Richfield:
No, sir. [Ashland gestures to an executive's mounted head on the wall; Richfield grows rigid]

Howard Handupme:
[In Robbie's thoughts] And, on this unexpected holiday from school, thousands of very cool guys and totally hot babes spent the day frollicking in the ash. Having what many describe as "the MOST FUN EVER."

Robbie Sinclair:
Alright, that's it. I'm going outside.

Fran Sinclair:
[In Robbie's thoughts] I want you to stay in your room, finish that assignment, and have no fun for the rest of your life.

Robbie Sinclair:
Isn't she terrific? My mother, ladies and gentlemen?

Earl Sinclair:
[In Robbie's thoughts] How about a hand for the guy paying these heating bills?

Fran Sinclair:
Earl, get out of Robbie's thoughts and pay those bills.

Earl Sinclair:
Yes, dear. Sheesh.

Fran Sinclair:
Those Wesayso ads are lies.

Earl Sinclair:
So what? It's temporarily being accepted by the masses, so it's the truth.

Robbie Sinclair:
Gee, Dad, I thought you loved the dome. You said it was going to make us rich.

Earl Sinclair:
Yeah well now it's going to make us need plastic surgery and a relocation program.

Robbie Sinclair:
You can't possibly believe that.

Baby:
[wearing a disguise] Not the baby!

Robbie Sinclair:
The competition looks pretty tough, why did you see Billy Melman's project where you clap and a lamp turns on? I mean THAT'S genius. How am I going to compete with that?

Spike:
Oh, well you know Billy, he uses substandard material. You know, the kind that tend to shatter when broken over his head. Yo, Billy, let me see that lamp!

Mr. Pullman:
Aw, Spike, what project have you done for our science fair?

Spike:
I don't do projects.

Mr. Pullman:
You have to do a project.

Spike:
...Okey dokey. [Punches his fist through a TV set and roots around] Well, what do we have here? Looky, looky. [Removes a circuit board with attached wires] I call this "What's inside a TV."

Mr. Pullman:
Um... Very nice. Very... realistic.

B.P. Richfield:
Well, if it isn't the Sinclairs. What a delightful looking family you have, Earl.

Earl Sinclair:
Oh, well let me introduce them...

B.P. Richfield:
Not interested! SIT DOWN!

B.P. Richfield:
[Has invited the Sinclairs out to dinner] My, my, so good to have you here. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, well enough small talk.

B.P. Richfield:
[Sampling wine] That's fine for me, but give the rest of'em the cheap stuff.

B.P. Richfield:
What do you say I take you and your family out to dinner tonight.

Earl Sinclair:
You? Us? Eating?

B.P. Richfield:
Save the sparkling repartee for the dinner, Sinclair. And remember, the WHOLE family!

B.P. Richfield:
Mr. Ashland, you're asking me to destroy an innocent boy just to protect our corporate assets? [Ashland nods] I'm honored.

Robbie Sinclair:
Dad, you're not being rational.

Earl Sinclair:
Oh and I suppose the crazed mob on the front lawn isn't rational either?

Earl Sinclair:
It's true. It's obviously true. I saw it on TV.

B.P. Richfield:
You're asking me to destroy an innocent boy just to protect our corporate assets?

[Mr. Ashland, the CEO, nods]

B.P. Richfield:
I'm honored.

Robbie Sinclair:
[Trying to think up a science project] Let's see. Sneakers. What else? A pump. Sneakers with a pump in them.

[Thinks of a tire pump trying to pump up a sneaker]

Robbie Sinclair:
Naw what a stupid idea.

B.P. Richfield:
Waiter. Two pieces of bread.

[Glares at Baby]

B.P. Richfield:
I'm gonna make a sandwich.

Earl:
Look how low I've sunk. My own child refuses to hit me.

[Ethyl hits him with her cane]

Ethyl:
I'll always be there for you, Fat Boy.

Earl:
This is terrible. I've failed my family. I'm nothing. I'm dirt.

Robbie Sinclair:
You're not dirt, Dad.

Earl:
No, you're right, I'm beneath dirt. I look up to dirt. I wish I was dirt. Dirt laughs at me!

Fran Sinclair:
Earl, it'll be okay.

Earl:
No it won't, Fran. This is gonna be the worst Refrigerator Day EVER.

Charlene Sinclair:
Whoa! Refrigerator Day without presents is like... like two things that go together, only one of them isn't there, so the other one doesn't have the other thing to go with it!

Robbie Sinclair:
Who says you're not deep?

Fran Sinclair:
[Attempting to return the gifts] We want to give you these things and have you give us our money back.

Richard:
That makes no sense whatsoever.

Earl:
I'm sorry I ruined your first Refrigerator Day. Go ahead, Junior. Bang my head real hard with this pot.

Baby Sinclair:
That's gettin' old.

Richard:
So, had yourself a little pageant, huh?

Earl:
A little pageant? We just had ourselves the most wonderful pageant imaginable. It had significance. It had sincere family value. It had a spirituality that made me realize what this holiday is all about.

Richard:
The one we do at the department store has an orchestra and lasers.

Earl:
Ooh!

Fran Sinclair:
Earl!

Fran Sinclair:
Think about what we *do* have: a house, and a loving family. If you think about it my way, we're blessed.

Earl Sinclair:
If you think about it my way, you'd go to the garage to hang yourself.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
I was saving it for your college. But a voice in my head kept saying, "The only way she's going to college is inside a cake at a frat house party."

Spike:
You admit you're doing thornoids?

Robbie Sinclair:
Yeah so what? Look where they got me. [big muscles]

Spike:
Yeah and look what it's costing you, Caroline doesn't want to see you anymore, your family thinks you're going crazy, and I've had just about enough of you touching my jacket.

Spike:
[to Robbie, who since taken thornoids has gotten rough with Caroline] For future references, when a girl says 'don't touch me' and runs off, that's a baaaaad date.

Fran Sinclair:
Honey, you have to earn his love.

Earl Sinclair:
That could take years. I want his love now. Genuine and unconditional. And I'm willing to pay for it.

[Earl has fainted]

Charlene:
Is he dead?

Fran:
No, sweetheart, if he were dead there would be scavengers at the door.

Fran:
Earl, you'll spoil him.

Earl:
I just want him to like me, is that so wrong?

Earl:
I spent 200 bucks for this and my butt is falling asleep.

Robbie Sinclair:
Stop it! You're adults. Can't you settle this like adults?

Earl Sinclair:
With what, weapons?

Gus Molehill:
Costly litigation?

Earl Sinclair:
If he's so wise, how come he doesn't have a house?

Sir David Tushingham:
So... off to my place for a bit of fun?

Thighs of Thunder:
Please, forgive me, many eggs hatch since I last speak to another of my kind.

Robbie Sinclair:
You're a dinosaur!

Thighs of Thunder:
Yes. I am called Wahachi Muchacha, it means Thighs of Thunder. They ask me speak with you now, how are you called?

Robbie Sinclair:
I'm Robbie Sinclair, Robbie.

Baby Sinclair:
I'm the Baby, uh, gotta love me?

Thighs of Thunder:
Cute.

Robbie Sinclair:
Why are you living with the cavemen?

Thighs of Thunder:
When I was small like uh, Baby Gotta Love Me...

Baby Sinclair:
Huh?

Thighs of Thunder:
My parents, eh... da weak?

Caveman:
Da weak!

Thighs of Thunder:
Dinosaur, bring me to forest for picnic, but soon, I am alone, parents no more.

Robbie Sinclair:
Oh, they died, huh?

Thighs of Thunder:
No, two career couple, no time for kid, they leave me, drive away fast!

Baby Sinclair:
That stinks!

Thighs of Thunder:
Oh no, cave people find me, raise as one of them. Live here many years, very happy, until dinosaur come! Rape and denude our land! Make cave people angry! That is why they bring YOU here.

Earl Sinclair:
I'm going to be remembered, it's all I've ever wanted.

Charlene Sinclair:
Well everybody wants to be remembered.

Earl Sinclair:
You see? She gets it and she's only 10.

Charlene Sinclair:
Fourteen!

Earl Sinclair:
Whatever.

Earl Sinclair:
Well look what we got here, a dinosaur gone caveman, what's the matter, chickie, couldn't cut it in the civilized world?

Thighs of Thunder:
There is little civilized about your world.

Earl Sinclair:
I discover a whole new world and nobody even cares!

Baby Sinclair:
Yaaaaayyy!

Earl Sinclair:
There, you see? He knows how to show me some respect.

Baby Sinclair:
Mama discovered new world!

Earl Sinclair:
No, not Mama, Daddy, Daddy discovered new world.

Baby Sinclair:
What did Mama do?

Earl Sinclair:
Nothing.

Baby Sinclair:
Nothing, yaaaayyy! Mama did nothing! Mama did nothing! Ha ha ha!

Fran:
Earl, if you want a third child again, there's only one thing to do.

Earl:
Aw geez, Fran, I'm not in the mood. 'Course I could get in the mood. 'Couple'o cocktails. Rub my back.

Fran:
Go get our son and bring him back.

Earl Sinclair:
Please don't make me bite off my own head. I was practicing in the lobby and it just wasn't happening.

Elder in Chief:
[Reading the legacy of the 'golden child'] "And he shall be born of a noble mother, and his father shall be courageous and wise..." [Earl starts gloating] Give me the Wite-Out. [Wites out old line, then writes in a new line:] "Father shall be a blithering idiot."

Earl:
Can he do that?

Baby Sinclair:
[straining] Gotta go.

Earl Sinclair:
No, no.

Elder in Chief:
And from his mouth shall ring out only the purest truth.

Baby Sinclair:
Gotta go.

Earl Sinclair:
Junior, hold it in.

Elder in Chief:
Behold the king of the dinosaurs. Behold his brow is knit with wisdom.

Earl Sinclair:
Hey, are you guys serious?

Elder in Chief:
Behold! He is about to speak!

Baby Sinclair:
I made a big poop.

Mr. Lizard:
We're going to need another Timmy!

Baby Sinclair:
Brother! Sister! I'm all alone!

Baby Sinclair:
[He turns to the audience, his eyes widen] Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Robbie:
How could not howling at the moon bring an end to our days on earth?

Earl:
Because if you don't howl, I'll kill ya.

Robbie:
This isn't the dark ages. This is 60,000,000 B.C.

Baby:
Are we dead?

Fran:
No, sweetheart.

Baby:
You promised.

Charlene Sinclair:
Mom, is it just me or is daddy in like a really BAD mood?

Fran:
No, your father just gets cranky before howling.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
They all do, it's pre-howling syndrome. PHS.

Charlene Sinclair:
I'm so glad I'm a girl.

Earl:
Fran, I'm home, I'm hungry and I hate everything.

Baby:
Not the mama!

Earl:
Ah neither are you!

Earl:
You ever come here again I'll feed you to my family!

Roy Hess:
Yeah? Then I won't!

Earl:
Good!

Roy Hess:
Fine!

Earl:
Fine!

Roy Hess:
Good!

Robbie Sinclair:
[reading from the book of dinosaurs] Only by howling do we defeat the dark spirit which will turn dinosaur... against dinosaur... oh!

Robbie Sinclair:
What could possibly happen?

Kyle:
Earthquake!

Gus:
Flood!

Sid:
Plagues!

Robbie Sinclair:
This isn't the Dark Ages, this is 60 million B.C. Now why don't we try not howling for once? Nothing's going to happen. [the moon disappears]

Earl:
It's not important to know why you do something. I howl because I believe in it... I don't know why I believe in it, I just do.

Charlene:
[Ethyl's unconscious] Grandma, can you hear me?

Robbie Sinclair:
Hey look, look, I think she's coming around.

Earl Sinclair:
No no no no no, no the hole's already dug, let's get on with it.

Ethyl Phillups:
Not so fast fat boy. [takes Earl's shovel and hits him in the face with it] .

Earl Sinclair:
I knew I should've had her cremated. [falls down unconscious]

Ethyl Phillups:
Where am I?

Robbie Sinclair:
Grandma, we brought you home from the station.

Charlene:
Yeah, we better call your producer, he thought you were dead.

Ethyl Phillups:
Let him think that, I'm not going back.

Fran Sinclair:
But why, Mom? I thought you loved talking about the afterlife.

Ethyl Phillups:
I do, Fran, but if I'm ever gonna go back, I can't just sit around watching the grass grow. What I'm going to do is enjoy life and love each and every one of you... starting tomorrow.

Fran Sinclair:
Why not today?

Ethyl Phillups:
Because today, there's a perfectly good hole in the backyard and we're gonna bury fat boy in it.

Earl Sinclair:
[comes around] What? [Ethyl hits him with the shovel again and he's knocked unconscious]

Baby:
Again! [hits his toy dinosaur on the head with a toy shovel and laughs] .

Grandma Ethyl:
I wanna see my husband. I'm dead and I know my rights.

Frank:
Earl, you're watching TV in here and mother's watching TV in there. Wouldn't it be nicer if you both watched TV together?

Earl:
Only if the TV was crushing her head.

Baby:
I got leeches. Can I keep them?

Frank:
No, hon, those are for dinner.

[Earl had just gone into the kitchen to say hi to Ethyl]

Roy:
How did it go?

Earl:
It was one of the most pleasant conversations we've ever had. She wasn't rude. She wasn't obnoxious. She didn't hit me... Oh my God, she's dead.

Fran:
Earl, what are you doing with that shovel?

Earl:
Shovel? Um, Franny, life is like the tide. It goes in, it goes out. It washes out the old and washes in the new... I used it to bury your mother.

Ethyl:
I've decided to enjoy life and love all of you. Starting tomorrow.

Fran:
Why not today?

Ethyl:
Because today there is a perfectly good hole in the backyard and we're going to bury fat boy in it.

[Earl is reading an apology card to Fran]

Earl:
What can I say? I've ruined your day / and made you all angry and surly / How could I make such a thoughtless mistake / And bury your mother, too early?

Fran:
...

Earl:
Aw, come on, Fran! They wouldn't make the card, if this didn't happen all the time!

Baby Sinclair:
I wanna go to the afterlife. So much better than the now life.

Ethyl Phillups:
Sounds interesting. What exactly did you have in mind?

Announcer:
And now, live via satellite from the cavernous Paradise Shrine where Route 19 meets Interstate 5, it's The Afterlife Show. Starring Ethyl Phillips and her aspiring tales from beyond.

Ethyl Phillups:
How ya doin'?

Announcer:
And the 1,000 voice Ethyl choir.

Choir Lead:
[singing, to the tune of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"] I looked to the light and what did I see...

Choir Lead, Chorus:
Comin' for to carry me home.

Choir Lead:
I saw Ethyl in her wheelchair/ coming out to me.

Choir Lead, Chorus:
Comin' for to carry me home/ Give dough/ To the Ethyl Show/ Give enough to carry you home.

Lucius:
[Ethyl has fallen unconscious] Uh... Ethyl? Ethyl, you're on. [Turns to the camera] Uh, well, looks like Ethyl has taken a quick trip to check on our contractor in the Great Beyond. You gotta keep an eye on those guys all the time. Well, we'll be right back. [studio lights go off] [whispers] Are we off yet?

Cameraman:
Yep.

Lucius:
Ugh! Ethyl? Ethyl! The old bag's dead again.

Narrator:
...Ethyl's seemingly dead body was being buried by simple-minded son-in-law Earl, and his dim-witted friend Ray.

Roy Hess:
Hey! That's an ourage! They got my name wrong.

Earl Sinclair:
That is supposed to be me? That doesn't even look anything like me!

Baby:
Not the mama!

Earl Sinclair:
And why are we watching this show anyway? I wanna watch the puppet show on the other channel.

Fran Sinclair:
That's a kid's show.

Earl Sinclair:
Not so. They do some very sophisticated juxtapositions of reality.

Fran Sinclair:
It'll last a year.

[Ethyl has died the second time and into the afterlife]

Louie:
[echoing] Ethyl! Ethyl!

[Ethyl sees her late husband in a bubble]

Ethyl:
Louie, is that really you?

Louie:
Hiya, cupcake!

Ethyl:
Oh, Louie it's so good to see you! Am I finally good and dead?

Louie:
Not yet.

Ethyl:
Oh, will you guys stop jerking my chain! I'm dead, I'm alive, I'm dead, I'm alive. If I wake up with dirt in my mouth again...

Louie:
Take it easy, cupcake, they sent me here with a message: stop pushing the afterlife.

Ethyl:
But Louie, it's so beautiful up here.

Louie:
It's just as beautiful where you are, Ethyl. It's more beautiful, because it's life; and you only get a little bit of it. And if you don't live every day of your life to the fullest, you have an eternity to regret it.

Ethyl:
But Louie, I miss you.

Louie:
I miss you too, sweetheart. But it's not your time yet.

Ethyl:
Will we be together, Louie?

Louie:
Soon enough, cupcake, but you've got to go back now; and stop trying to make a buck off the afterlife. Dinosaurs who sell the afterlife may not ever see the afterlife. They may end up someplace not so nice. Look what's waiting for you.

[Louie shows Ethyl a door titled 'Place Not So Nice', as it opens, five replicas of Earl Sinclair are in the family room]

Earl:
[five, in unison] Hi, Ethyl! Come on in!

Ethyl:
[screams] *No*!

[Baby Sinclair pretends he's snoring]

Fran Sinclair:
I don't believe you.

Baby Sinclair:
I don't blame you.

Baby Sinclair:
[after drinking a bottle of juice] I'm gonna blow up, I'm gonna blow up, WHOA I'm gonna blow, CLEEEAR! [lets out a small burp]

Fran Sinclair:
Aw... [Baby laughs and then lets out a burp that shakes the house]

Fran Sinclair:
You stop talking! You're talking too loud! If you wake that baby I'll rip your face off!

Earl Sinclair:
Well nobody wants that.

Charlene Sinclair:
[about dinner] Doesn't look done to me.

Earl Sinclair:
It's done, it's damn done. [creature in pot takes the cooking fork]

Creature:
Here you go, hey, next time you might want to turn the stove on. Uh, just a suggestion.

Earl Sinclair:
You think I'm not gonna come after you? You're playing with fire here, you're playing with fire!

Baby Sinclair:
No, I'm playing with fire. [sticks his tail in the fire, Earl rushes over and pulls him away from the stove] Daddy!

Earl Sinclair:
What?

Baby Sinclair:
[points to his flaming tail] Hot! [Earl rushes to the sink] Where we going? [Earl soaks his tail in the water] Ahhhhh, again!

Roy Hess:
We should be able to figure this out.

Earl Sinclair:
Yeah, we've got brains the size of walnuts.

Earl Sinclair:
[after Baby hits him repeatedly with a pot while saying "Not the Mama"] You do that one more time, and I'm gonna throw you across the room!

Earl Sinclair:
I am the mighty Megalosaurus, the king of the dinosaurs. And when the king of the dinosaurs wants a 90-inch television set, he's going to get a 90-inch television set. So what do you have to say about that?

Fran Sinclair:
The Tyrannosaurus is king of the dinosaurs.

Earl Sinclair:
That's debatable.

Fran Sinclair:
No it isn't. I dated one in high school.

Baby:
[as he is introduced to Earl] Hi! I'm the baby! Brand new, just out, gotta love me! Come on, gotta love me!

Earl Sinclair:
School is not for asking questions, it's a place you go to be out of this house.

Earl Sinclair:
I'm 43 years old and I've never been to Europe.

Baby:
Then what happened?

Earl:
I went to work.

Baby:
Why?

Earl:
Because your mother makes me.

Baby:
Am I at work?

Earl:
No.

Baby:
Am I at work?

Earl:
No.

Baby:
Am I at work?

Earl:
Yes, yes.

Baby:
No, I'm not.

Howard Handupme:
A meteor, twice the size of earth, is heading towards our planet and will destroy all life. This just in, no it's not.

Earl Sinclair:
Fran, I'm home, I'm hungry... I'm stuck in the door again.

Earl Sinclair:
[the Baby's reaching for the remote] Don't you touch that remote.

[Baby grabs it]

Earl Sinclair:
Don't you pick it up.

[Baby picks it up]

Earl Sinclair:
You turn off that television, and you're gonna be one sorry little dinosaur.

Baby:
[turns off TV and pops up] I'm sorryyyyy.

Earl Sinclair:
Give that back.

Baby:
Story.

Earl Sinclair:
No story.

Baby:
Story.

Earl Sinclair:
No story.

Baby:
Story.

Earl Sinclair:
No story, gimme that back.

[Baby hits Earl with the remote]

Earl Sinclair:
Once upon a time, dinosaurs didn't have families. They lived in the woods, and ate their children, and it was a golden age.

Baby:
I'm gonna bite you now. [bites Earl on the head]

Earl Sinclair:
There's no dinner, there's no vegetables.

Fran Sinclair:
Dinner ate the vegetables.

Earl Sinclair:
And left just like that? Without coffee? Well, he's never eating around here again.

Earl Sinclair:
And your apology would begin how?

Fran Sinclair:
Pots and pans, to cook your dinner in, dinner for YOU, gee I don't know WHERE my apology should begin.

Baby:
Whoa, I'm naked. Who's the mama? Where's the mama?

Baby:
[after hatching] Whoa, I'm on the floor. Whuh-oh, lots of feet; can't get up.

Charlene Sinclair:
Daddy, can't I even say hello without you thinking that I want something?

[Earl looks at her]

Charlene Sinclair:
A sweater, I just want a sweater.

Earl:
I just want dinner but it doesn't look good for either of us.

Clerk at Death Pit:
I present to you the ultimate symbol of male supremacy, the TV remote control.

Earl:
I won't be home for dinner, Roy and I are going down to the mall to cruise the food court...

Robbie:
Isn't it a work night?

Earl:
But Roy is going.

Robbie:
Well I'm not Roy's father. Oh I see, you're testing me. Well I think you're at an age where you're mature enough to make your own decisions.

Earl:
Oh cool. Have some wax lips.

Baby:
Robbie. Um, tell me a story.

Robbie Sinclair:
Life stinks, The End.

Earl Sinclair:
I thought I told you to mow the lawn.

Robbie Sinclair:
I told you, the lawn mower is broken.

Earl Sinclair:
Scissors. Cut it with scissors.

Robbie Sinclair:
Oh come on.

Earl Sinclair:
Geez you kids have it too easy. When I was your age we didn't have lawn mowers, we didn't have scissors, we had to get down on all fours and graze like a cow.

Robbie Sinclair:
Dad.

Earl Sinclair:
Mooooo.

Robbie Sinclair:
Dad, I'm here with a girl. It might help if you didn't make me look like the world's biggest weenie.

Earl Sinclair:
Well pardon me, Mr. Dignified, I didn't mean to belittle you as you were about to hit the ball up the clown's pants.

Robbie Sinclair:
Everyday it's the same thing. He comes home and says "Franny, get me a beer." And then he yells at me.

Earl Sinclair:
Oh not true. Sometimes I yell at you first.

Man Over P.A.:
Attention, Robbie Sinclair, your father is here.

Robbie:
That's it, I'm gonna tell him where to get off this time.

Man Over P.A.:
He looks really steamed.

Robbie:
Gulp.

Fran Sinclair:
Earl Sneed, Sinclair if you touch one scale on that boy's head, I'll disconnect your premium cable channels.

Earl:
You'd make me watch basic?

Robbie:
Can I have a moment's peace? I was at work all day.

Fran Sinclair:
Robbie, you are the supreme male. These are your responsibilities now. If you can't handle them, maybe you should turn them over to someone with more maturity.

Earl:
[wearing goofy glasses] Whoa, Fran, I can see your underwear.

Fran Sinclair:
The baby flushed his caveman doll down the toilet and now it's backed up.

Robbie:
So?

Fran Sinclair:
So, we don't have a working bathroom.

Robbie:
We live in a forest! There's nothing BUT bathrooms! Trees and bushes as far as the eye can see!

Fran Sinclair:
Fine, if you won't fix it, I'll just call a plumber.

Robbie:
Oh no, you're not spending my hard-earned money on some over-priced wrench jockey.

Fran Sinclair:
Robbie!

Robbie:
[Robbie confronts Earl at the miniature golf course] I am fed up! I HAVE HAD IT! I can't take it anymore! There's bills... and... and the taxes... and the baby... and...

Roy Hess:
Maybe we should let the next foursome play through.

Earl:
[Robbie is crying] There, there, son. I know exactly what you're trying to say. You have had a rough time being supreme male, what with the job and the household and the responsibilities way past your years.

Robbie:
And the baby... hit me on the head... with a big heavy...

Earl:
Round thing, yeah. And you want me to take over again as head of the household so you can go back to being the carefree teenager again. Is that right?

Robbie:
Yes, Daddy.

Earl:
Well forget it! Now get off my lane, I'm putting for birdie.

Robbie:
But you have to take over!

Earl:
Not a chance! I'm having the time of my life and nothing's gonna make me give it up.

P.A. Announcer:
Earl Sinclair, more bad news. Your wife's here.

Roy Hess:
Gee, this really is a family fun center.

Robbie:
Mommy, tell him to be supreme male again.

Earl:
Can't make me.

Fran Sinclair:
Alright, that's enough from both of you. [to Earl] He can't handle the household, and it's time you started acting like an adult again.

Earl:
Don't wanna!

Fran Sinclair:
We're going right down to the Office of Male Supremecy and get you reinstated as head of the house.

Earl:
[childishly] Why should I?

[Charlene stutters at Robbie; who is in a bad mood after his 30th day at work]

Robbie Sinclair:
[annoyed] What?

Charlene Sinclair:
Well, since you've been helping me with my homework, I've got a shot of getting my first B.

Robbie Sinclair:
What is it?

Charlene Sinclair:
So, I was wondering, could you help find the continent of Pangaea on this map?

[Charlene opens the map which shows the continent of Pangaea]

Robbie Sinclair:
You're grounded for a week.

Charlene Sinclair:
For what?

Robbie Sinclair:
*Stupidity*!

Charlene Sinclair:
You can't ground me for that!

Robbie Sinclair:
Are we trying for a month?

Charlene Sinclair:
Yeah, but... [leaves in anger] Oh, brothers! You are...

Robbie Sinclair:
Hey, and shut that door! Do I have to air-condition the whole neighborhood?

[the door slams shut]

Robbie Sinclair:
[Baby breaks the wooden train set that Robbie spent a year making] Um... I guess that clear varnish doesn't protect like it's supposed to.

Earl Sinclair:
[presenting the toy car wrapped in paper] Son, this present is for good little boys, you can have it, as long as you promise to be good.

Baby Sinclair:
[Faking Innocence] I'll be good... I promise.

[a golden halo appears on top of baby's head and a twinkle happens in his eye]

Fran Sinclair:
It's not right, Earl, bribing a child to behave!

Earl Sinclair:
...and if it works?

Fran Sinclair:
It's a short sighted, stop gap, quick fix solution...

Earl Sinclair:
You don't have to sell me on it.

[Fran grunts irritably]

Earl Sinclair:
Look son, a CAR!

Baby Sinclair:
[Excited] A car, oh boy!

Robbie Sinclair:
Gee Dad, you never bribed me with anything neat like that.

Earl Sinclair:
You were never rotten enough to deserve it.

Robbie Sinclair:
[about Blarney] He's terrible, Mom. I can't imagine a worse role model for a child.

Earl Sinclair:
[from other room] Ouch! Darn it. I hate you, you stupid toy!

Baby Sinclair:
Gimme dessert! I want a million cookies now!

Baby Sinclair:
Gimme cake! Ice CREEEEEEAM!

Babysitter:
The power of rice compels you. The power of rice compels you.

Blarney:
[singing with kids named Jeff and Tim] Okay here we go. I am Blarney I love you. E-I-E-I-O. And if you're nice you'll love me, too. E-I-E-I-O.

Robbie Sinclair:
Well, it does seem to have quiet him down a little.

Blarney:
[still singing] With a love love here, and a love love there, here a love there a love, everywhere a love love.

Fran Sinclair:
It's interesting, he strikes a chord with children. Something about Blarney inlooses the purest feelings of warmth and affection.

Baby Sinclair:
[with a baby bottle on his slingshot] EAT GLASS, BLARNEY!

Blarney:
[Launches the bottle at the TV] AAAAAHHHH!

Baby Sinclair:
[TV blows up and Fran and Robbie were shocked in surprise] DIE SUM, DIE!

Robbie Sinclair:
[as Baby cackles] Well, I gotta say, I'm with him.

Fran Sinclair:
That does it! I am fed up with your bad behavior, you are going to your room!

Baby Sinclair:
NO, I WANT PRESENTS!

Fran Sinclair:
You are going to your room, there will be no more presents.

Earl Sinclair:
It's present time!

Wesayso Photographer:
[points to Roy] I like this guy.

Earl:
He isn't even a family.

Roy:
I am too. I'm a family of one. We get along just fine.

Roy:
How was your weekend?

Earl:
Oh, I had two days of pure enjoyment all mapped out, then I got home on Friday and remembered I had kids.

Roy:
Oh, you had to change your plans, huh?

Earl:
No, no, I just turned up the volume on the TV so I couldn't hear the little monsters screaming.

Roy:
You're a lucky fella, Earl. A beautiful family and a TV with a modern, adequate sound system.

Earl:
Yeah, I'm really proud of that TV.

Earl:
They're a big company, Fran, I think they know what they're doing.

Robbie Sinclair:
Gee, Dad, it sounds like you've been brainwashed or something.

Earl:
Exactly, and that brainwashing has put the food on the table and the clothes on your back.

Fran Sinclair:
And now the suitcase in your hand.

Earl:
And a darn nice suitcase it is.

Roy:
Fran, I'm sure this must be a little awkward for you, so, uh, if you don't wanna sleep together for the first couple of nights, I understand.

Fran Sinclair:
Earl!

Earl:
Roy, you're sleeping on the sofa for as long as you're here.

Roy:
Gee, you sure that's okay with Mr. Richfield?

Bartender:
TV's a powerful medium. I don't feel right in questioning it. You want another drink?

Earl:
No, it might make me depressed.

Roy:
[on TV with Fran and the kids] Hi, we're the Wesayso family. We love each other and we love you, too. [They all blow a kiss]

Earl:
Line'em up.

Bartender:
You got it.

Earl:
I did what I was supposed to do.

Fran Sinclair:
You did what the company told you to do.

Earl:
Well what did you expect me to say to them, "I can't start a whole new life because I've got a family." They'd make fun of me.

Fran Sinclair:
Well I guess you've made your decision.

B.P. Richfield:
The Wesayso company reminds you that we are not liable for loss of limb, loss of eye, or dismemberment of any kind due to you running around holding your kids' feet in the air like a bunch of morons.

Earl:
And now...

B.P. Richfield:
[Growling] No.

Earl:
I'm ready to die.

Surly Photographer:
Not so fast.

B.P. Richfield:
Yeah, slow would be better.

B.P. Richfield:
Well, it's only fair that all sides of this issue are fully explored. Please take up to a minute.

B.P. Richfield:
I was just complimenting you on your handbag.

Monica DeVertebrae:
I don't have a handbag. I don't have hands!

Mr. Harold Heffer:
I have proof that for the past ten years, you have in fact been a *prostitute*!

Monica DeVertebrae:
I HAVE NOT!

Mr. Harold Heffer:
[calm] My mistake, please continue. [pause] Everyone hear the word "prostitute"?

Sexual Harris:
How about we go out for a few brews, and then later I'll jump on your scales and you can guess my weight, if you know what I mean.

Monica Devertebrae:
No.

Sexual Harris:
What do you mean no?

Monica Devertebrae:
I mean no! I'm not interested! I find the things you talk about personally offensive, and I hope this won't interfere with my ability to work here. [cuts to Fran] And that's when he fired me.

Fran Sinclair:
Sometimes I think males are the lowest form of life.

Monica Devertebrae:
You know, as long as we allow ourselves to be intimidated by males, we females will never get a fair shake in society.

Charlene Sinclair:
Oh yeah, like I'm gonna change the world.

Monica Devertebrae:
Well we may not be able to change the whole world, Charlene, but we have to start somewhere.

Charlene Sinclair:
Thanks a lot, Mom! I took your advice and made that solar system, and you know I really enjoyed doing it, I really felt good about myself, I thought my life was changing, and then the boys in my class ate it!

Fran Sinclair:
[gasps] Charlene, I'm sure the teacher appreciated your effort.

Charlene Sinclair:
They ate it before he saw it! Oh, it was a real solar system with planets and the sun... and the boys said I'm a female and I shouldn't stick my nose in the universe where it doesn't belong.

Charlene Sinclair:
Males are never going to give us great jobs like astronomer or tree pusher, we're going to have to take them. How long can they hold us back? [they look at Charlene's model of a solar system with a flat world]

Baby Sinclair:
[sees a leg buffer on TV for silky smooth legs] I want that!

Fran Sinclair:
No you don't!

Baby Sinclair:
Want silky smooth legs!

Fran Sinclair:
You don't want smooth legs, you're a boy.

Baby Sinclair:
Oh... then I want a machine gun!

Mr. Harold Heffer:
[after accusing Monica of being a prostitute] Everyone hear the word 'prostitute'?

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
[watching the TV] I can't believe they used that kind of language on television! Don't they know that kids are watching?

Fran Sinclair:
Mother, this is an important real life event, it'll make the kids think.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
I don't want the kids to think. I want the kids to watch safe little situation comedies with time tested, repetitive storylines.

Charlene Sinclair:
I don't see why Monica's putting herself through this, couldn't she just find another job?

Robbie Sinclair:
You're missing the whole point: Monica's fighting against injustice, struggling for the rights of females everywhere.

Earl Sinclair:
Yeah? Write a song about it.

Mr. Teddy Wolfe:
You're obviously a very attractive female, could you please describe for us what you were wearing at the time of the incident? Was it seductive or revealing?

Monica Devertebrae:
It was a hard hat, and a work shirt. And I don't appreciate the insinuation that I somehow ASKED for this kind of behavior.

Mr. Teddy Wolfe:
I'm insinuating no such thing. Now, could you please describe for us in detail what kind of underwear you have on at the moment?

Monica Devertebrae:
I don't understand HOW that's RELEVANT.

Mr. Teddy Wolfe:
Well if you understood the relevancy of it, you'd be a male! [courtroom bursts out laughing]

Fran Sinclair:
Earl, what happened to Monica was completely unfair, there must be some way she could get her job back.

Earl Sinclair:
No, there is not.

Fran Sinclair:
Oh come on, Earl, there must be something she could do.

Earl Sinclair:
Oh no no, there's nothing, and even if there was, there wouldn't be.

Fran Sinclair:
Oh, you thought I was asking about Monica, no! It's for my cousin, Monty, who works for WeSaySo, the... southern branch.

Earl Sinclair:
Oh well why didn't you tell me that? Just tell Monty that if he was unjustly fired, he can request a hearing from the corporate board of grievances.

Earl:
The kids are fine, if not, we can make more.

Charlene Sinclair:
I'm sorry about your friend, the lettuce?

General Chow:
He was no lettuce! He was a cabbage. We shall not soon see his like again.

General Chow:
Old food never dies, it just goes bad.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
[to the Baby] Open up. I know your mouth hurts, it's because your teeth are coming in. Mine are going out, it's all a part of life, a beautiful cycle. Now eat this or I'll kill you.

Earl:
Frannie, will you just for one night forget you're a female so I can get romantic with you?

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
[after Earl, Robbie, Roy and Baby leave for their wilderness weekend] Are they gone? Yes.

Fran Sinclair:
Yes.

Grandma Ethyl Phillips:
All right, I'm taking off my girdle. [strains, and rips while Fran looks on in horror]

Theres none id think so