Doc Martin

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Is there anyone here who has a genuine medical problem?

Louisa Glasson:
I got involved in a surfing club of all things. I think what clinched it was the kids saying I'm too old.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Nonsense. People of all ages go surfing.

Louisa Glasson:
You should come along. It'd be nice to see you out of that suit and in a wet... suit...

Elaine Denham:
How come you never asked me out, then?

Al Large:
Well, there was you and Greg.

Elaine Denham:
Also, you were a bit of a non.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Ah, Elaine. Any chance of making me a cup of tea?

Elaine Denham:
Make it yourself. I'm not the tea girl.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
As you can see, I have patients waiting.

Elaine Denham:
Well, best go faster then.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
White, no sugar.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What do you want Adrian?

Adrian Pitts:
I want you to put in a word for me with Chris Parsons. You see, Faulkner is about to move on.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
And you're ready to step up?

Adrian Pitts:
Yes, but I'm getting some resistance from Chris Parsons. Since you two are mates I wondered if you might give him a call.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I've spoken to Chris. He rang me. He thinks you're an arse. I think you're an arse too. Enjoy your weekend. [Adrian storms out] Arse.

Elaine Denham:
I'm sorry. I cannot tolerate imbeciles.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Elaine, when we agreed you'd start at 8.30 you did realise I meant a.m.

Elaine Denham:
Buying biscuits at the supermarket, right, and this bimbo won't let me through on six items or less. All baps up to here and stick-on nails she was. Get this - [imitates the check-out girl] "Sorry. Six items or less".

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
And you had?

Elaine Denham:
20, but that's not the point.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Hello, Fenn, how are you?

Louisa Glasson:
Don't you think it's a little late for the concerned routine?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What in God's name are you...?

Louisa Glasson:
When you have precisely one patient I'd think you'd want to visit him in hospital. No, Roger, don't try and speak.

Roger Fenn:
[very hoarse] He *did* come and see me. Depressed the hell out of me.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It was mutual.

Louisa Glasson:
Well... [to Martin] You could've told me.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I tried to, but that woman shushed me.

Louisa Glasson:
This is Miss Glasson from the school, Mrs Richards. I'm just checking on Bobby. Oh, dear, well, I'm sure the doctor will, he's...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[grabs phone from Louisa] Mrs Richards? Dr Ellingham here. Is his temperature still elevated? Right, I'm on my way, what's the address? Yep. Yep. I'll be with you in 15 minutes.

Louisa Glasson:
Half an hour.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
30 minutes. Goodbye. [to Louisa] Do you know where the...

Louisa Glasson:
Map.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Thanks.

Bert Large:
Son, I know it's your phone bill and you've got your own money coming in, but those mobile phones damage your head membranes.

Al Large:
Dad, I've got Bluetooth.

Bert Large:
There you go, exactly my point.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Can you give me his phone number then, please?

Pauline Lamb:
No. Don't have it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Remind me what your job is again?

Pauline Lamb:
He didn't leave a number. He left in a rush, looking like a frightened rabbit. Like all your patients, actually.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[on telephone] Richard Morris, ENT. Dr Ellingham, I have a patient who needs an urgent laryngoscopy. Yes, that is my opinion.

[to the dog who is rooting around in the bin] Stop it. Stop it! Well, because I'm a doctor and he's a smoker with a lump in his neck. Would you like the tumour to write to you? [the dog now has his head in the bin] [shouts] Will you get out of that bin!

Patient:
And you reckon these will work, do you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No - I just prescribe them for fun.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
All right, Caroline, I'm going to give you an injection.

Danny Steel:
[gets down on one knee, hands clasped together] I'm saying a prayer for you, Caroline.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[eyeing Danny] Just a little prick.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[answering phone] Ellingham? [to Elaine] It's for you.

Elaine Denham:
I'm not here.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Elaine's not here.

Elaine Denham:
Hang on. Is that Greg?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Are you Greg? Elaine for you.

Elaine Denham:
[whispers] I'm not talking to Greg.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Bert, it's been a long day. Take two aspirin and insult me in the morning.

Joan Norton:
Look, Marty, you do realise that the villagers are dusting off their pitchforks, don't you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yes. Exactly how many generations ago did the inbreeding start with these people?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[Recurring, exasperated phrase] It's not my dog.

Louisa Glasson:
I'm sorry, he's not normally that rude... actually he is normally that rude, but he also happens to be a very good doctor.

[Caroline has parked her car so it is sticking out into the road]

Passer-by:
I wouldn't park there, love, if I were you.

Caroline Bosman:
[angrily] Really? And if I were you, I wouldn't come out in daylight, love.

[Martin thinks that Caroline might have become an alcoholic]

Caroline Bosman:
I don't drink any more than anybody else.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Do you ever find yourself drinking first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get over a hangover?

Caroline Bosman:
No! Certainly not!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Do you often find yourself get annoyed with people who observe or criticise your drinking.

Caroline Bosman:
[angrily] That's it! I've had enough! Who the hell do you think you are asking inappropriate questions about something I have not even consulted you about?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
So that's a "yes", then, is it?

[talking about her brother whose snoring is keeping her awake at nights]

Pauline Lamb:
They shouldn't have kicked him out of the Army for snoring. They should have kept him in and used him as a weapon of mass destruction.

Girl Student:
[with pencil sticking out of her head] It's my favorite pencil.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You're a dog trainer?

Barbara:
Dog psychologist. It's all the same, really. Simply a matter of rewiring the brain.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Restrain that animal, or analyze its unhappy childhood.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Married?

Edith Montgomery:
Not long enough for there to be any permanent damage.

Edith Montgomery:
It wasn't hard to find you, Ellingham. I just followed the trail of outraged people.

Edith Montgomery:
[At Doc's residence] What you did was deeply patronizing and violated protocol. I'd expect nothing less. You haven't changed, Ellingham.

[Sandra Mylow has been handing out herbal remedies without even seeing her patients]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
These can contain high levels of mercury, which given to somebody already suffering from a degree of psychosis, the effects can be catastrophic.

Sandra Mylow:
I didn't realise she was that ill.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Hadn't it struck you when she visited your clinic?

Sandra Mylow:
She seemed fine.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
She didn't seem anything. You've never met her. Doreen Flint left this area eight years ago.

Sandra Mylow:
I saw her husband.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Right. Who for the last eight years has been under the delusion that he is both Victor and Doreen Flint in one body.

Sandra Mylow:
[gobsmacked] Oh.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
There is a reason why we insist on seeing patients before prescribing a course of treatment. It's called "good practice".

Sandra Mylow:
People feel comfortable when they come and see me, which is more than I can say for you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
The minute I start handing out treatments left right and centre to people I've never met, please feel free to call me a stupid arrogant unqualified charlatan!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
There's a peculiar odour in this room...

PC Penhale:
I'm afraid that's the smell of murder, Doc.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's like... garlic.

PC Penhale:
And French cooking.

Louisa Glasson:
Oh, and read him a bed time story. He seems to like the one about the talking fire engine.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Hm. Highly unlikely he can grasp the concept of a fire engine, let alone one that's apparently sentient.

[last lines]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[Martin's bed time story] Um. This is an article by Dr Henry Wolfestein on the need to focus on cytotoxic therapies for cancer patients. That's a picture of Dr Wolfestein there. "Patients with advanced liver cancer who had not previously received chemotherapy were randomly allocated to three different regimens representing minimal, conventional, and intensive cytotoxic treatments. Patients with impaired renal function were excluded from the analysis, and results were stratified according to risk category based on retrospective analysis of previous studies. Results support the conclusion..."

Ruth Ellingham:
[about Doc moving alone to London] Your parents stayed together for your sake. No one got out unscathed. We don't want a repeat of that.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, this has been fun.

Ruth Ellingham:
[Concluding the office visit] If you want to discuss it further, Martin, you know where I am.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Thank you.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
Has your son been jabbed for TB?

Anthony Oakwood:
Have we let someone inject him full of poison? Well, strangely no.

Louisa Glasson:
I thought we might have a measles epidemic on our hands.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
There's not much chance of that. Almost all the children I've seen have been jabbed for MMR. There's only two or three mothers left in the village who haven't seen reason.

Louisa Glasson:
Maybe they're scared.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
What are they scared of?

Louisa Glasson:
Well there's autism.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
No, there isn't.

Louisa Glasson:
Martin, a friend of mine took her son to the doctor. He was nearly two, perfectly healthy, they gave him the jab, and he changed overnight. Just shut down completely.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
Because of the MMR vaccine?

Louisa Glasson:
That's what she thinks.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
Is she very stupid?

Louisa Glasson:
Look, it stands to reason that giving a child three viruses at the same time must increase their chance of some kind of reaction.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
It stands to reason?

Louisa Glasson:
Martin, I have read about the studies linking MMR to bowel disease.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
There was one so-called "study" but that's been refuted by people who actually know what they're talking about. And the hysteria that's stopped people giving their children the MMR vaccine has actually caused an increase in cases of measles, which is a horrible disease.

Louisa Glasson:
Thank you, Doctor.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
[after informing Mrs. Averill she may have lung cancer] Why are smokers always surprised when they're ill? Why do they think they're going to be the lucky ones who live to be a hundred? Did you think you'd make it to seventy?

Mrs Averill:
I'm seventy-five.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
Eighty?

Mrs Averill:
My mother smoked a pipe until she was ninety-three.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
And then she died.

Mrs Averill:
No. She lost her pipe.

[talking about Angela Sim, a vet who has been suffering from severe hallucinations after taking an antibiotic that is intended only for animals]

Louisa Ellingham:
Poor Angela. How is she?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Er, completely deranged. She should be back to herself in the morning, though - slightly deranged.

[Martin's mother has come from Portugal, begging for him to give her money]

Margaret Ellingham:
I have no home to go to. Your father died and left hardly any capital to speak of. I need some money, Martin. Just enough to buy a small apartment in Lisbon. Maybe ?300,000. ?200,000.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[coldly] I don't think so.

Margaret Ellingham:
You would see me homeless, destitute, cast out in the streets?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Of course not.

Margaret Ellingham:
Well, thank you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I *wouldn't* see you. I'd have no further contact with you at all.

[Martin is about to operate on a blood vessel in Louisa's brain]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I think I need your help.

Louisa Glasson:
If you need *my* help to perform an operation then we're *really* in trouble.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I don't need any help with this operation - I've done it seven times before. But I've never been married before. And I don't seem to be very good at it. I want to learn. Because I'd like to be much better at it.

Louisa Glasson:
And you tell me that just before you slice my head open?

PC Penhale:
[about a transfer] Why not?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
As far as I'm aware, they don't employ people who have a history of narcolepsy, agoraphobia, and in general ineptitude.

[first lines]

Ruth Ellingham:
[eating a chicken dinner in Ruth's kitchen] So, who's going to look after the baby while you're at work?

Louisa Glasson:
My mother.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
If she remembers to turn up.

Pauline Lamb:
Let me take you somewhere, right now.

Al Large:
Where?

Pauline Lamb:
To apologize to Louisa. You said she was fat.

Al Large:
No, you said she was fat.

Pauline Lamb:
No - I said she was obese.

Edith Montgomery:
[after Doc deletes several lines from her paper] What are you doing?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You don't need any of this. You're putting HSG at the top, mentioned it again in the middle, and then at the end. It starts to feel repetitive.

Edith Montgomery:
Tell the reader what you're going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you've told them.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
The readers of the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology aren't stupid. They know what they're being told without being warned of it in advance and reminded of it at the end. This whole page needs tightening. You've become verbose.

[Martin's Aunt Joan has died. His Aunt Ruth has come down to Portwenn for the funeral]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Did you know that Joan left you the farm?

Ruth Ellingham:
Oh, that bloody woman. And I only gave her slippers for Christmas.

[Aunt Ruth comes out of the shop carrying a bag of vegetables]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You do realise that vegetables grow on your farm?

Ruth Ellingham:
If they leapt out of the ground and cleaned themselves, I might be tempted to cook them.

Louisa Glasson:
[having just met] So, you're Joan's sister.

Ruth Ellingham:
That's right. I'm sure Martin's told you all about me.

Louisa Glasson:
Oh, yes, yes, of course, he has.

Ruth Ellingham:
Don't lie, dear, but if you must, do it with conviction.

Louisa Glasson:
Underneath the gruff, monosyllabic, well-meaning but rude person, you're... gruff, monsyllabic, and, well, rude.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What about well-meaning?

Louisa Glasson:
Martin, there are twenty things about you that are crap.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Thank you.

Louisa Glasson:
But if you were a stick of rock, you'd be Martin Ellingham all the way through.

[last night, while drunk, Martin Ellingham told Louisa Glasson that he loved her - and then he passed out]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I embarrassed myself.

Louisa Glasson:
No you didn't embarrass yourself. And I'm really glad that you said what you said. I just wish I'd had chance to say that I do too. I love you too.

[Martin stares at her]

Louisa Glasson:
What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Love is...

Louisa Glasson:
What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's a difficult word when you think that we don't actually know each other that well.

Louisa Glasson:
Martin, we've known each other quite a while now.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Strictly speaking, for you to say you love me when you can't possibly know that you do is... potentially... delusional.

Louisa Glasson:
Oh!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
There are certain quite well-known disorders where a person falls, without good reason, for someone else and believes that they love them.

Louisa Glasson:
[gobsmacked] Pardon?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
De Clerambault's Syndrome, for instance. Also known as erotomania. More common in women. They fall for a man of higher social standing.

[the camera starts to track back to an aerial shot of the bay]

Louisa Glasson:
Martin! What the hell are you talking about?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Delusional romantic attachments. Often associated with an excessive intrusiveness into the life of the object of the irrational affection. Stalking, if you like.

[Louisa slaps Martin's face. The credits roll]

[Martin and Louisa are sharing a bottle of wine at his house. Rather sheepishly, he explains that he doesn't normally drink alcohol because it makes him fall asleep]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[looking into Louisa's eyes] You're so beautiful. You're so very beautiful - d'you know that? All I think about, every day, is just catching a glimpse of you.

[they lean across the table and kiss]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[whispers] Oh, Louisa!

Louisa Glasson:
[whispers] Shhh. Don't spoil it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I love you. I love you.

Louisa Glasson:
Martin, this bloody table's in the way.

[Louisa stands up, about to come round the table to give Martin a cuddle. Martin falls forward onto the table, fast asleep]

[Mrs Tishell has gone missing with Doc Martin's baby. He finds evidence that she has been self-medicating with prescription drugs to treat anxiety and to increase intelligence]

PC Penhale:
So basically there's a drugged-up lunatic on the run with your baby.

Eleanor Glasson:
Look, what I'm trying to say is, you know, - I'm proud of you.

Louisa Glasson:
And?

Eleanor Glasson:
That's it.

Louisa Glasson:
No. There's always something else.

Eleanor Glasson:
This place has made you paranoid - I'm leaving Port Wenn.

Louisa Glasson:
And there we have it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
...and I do hate Port Wenn. I hate the people - their pinched faces, and their ridiculous accents, and their unerring knack of catching any virus that comes within a five-mile radius! They spread contagion like a bush fire! But it's where I want to be, because you're here.

Ruth Ellingham:
Louisa, you know nothing about psychology.

Elaine Denham:
It's tan.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's orange.

Bruce Denham:
I'm Bruce. Elaine's dad? Just thought I'd stop by and say hello.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Hello.

Bruce Denham:
Is Elaine in? She does work here, doesn't she?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Not for much longer, I just fired her.

A&E Receptionist:
Is it me or do you not understand plain English?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's you.

Joan Norton:
You sacked a perfectly good receptionist.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Perfectly good? She made appointments before I was even open. She printed out prescriptions so inaccurate they were almost lethal. I had to go to the school to track down a child because she couldn't be relied upon to take down a phone number.

Elaine Denham:
I can't be expected to work your system.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
That would be the system whereby we don't kill the patients by prescribing the wrong medication, would it?

Louisa Glasson:
So is this another patient you've chased away from your surgery?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What? Oh your friend Roger Fenn? God, that was quick.

Louisa Glasson:
Roger? I haven't seen him in ages. He was forced to take early retirement. He thinks I took his job... well, I did take his job. It wasn't him so it must've been one of the other 30 patients you unceremoniously dispatched.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
For the record, I did not dispatch patients. I dispatched people who seem to think "surgery" is another word for "caf?".

Louisa Glasson:
Being the doctor here is more than just handing out pills.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yeah, it's handing out biscuits as well.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Put your tea cups down and leave.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Had any family in?

Roger Fenn:
Grown-up daughter. Decided not to call her, she stopped needing me a long time ago. Has a TV set of her own. You?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No. Only child.

Roger Fenn:
Parents dead?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No. Retired. Portugal. Gone.

Roger Fenn:
Nice.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Vile. We don't speak.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Shouldn't you be giggling outside my house?

Elaine Denham:
Message.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[reads the message] "Roy or Steven?"

Elaine Denham:
Boy of seven. Dr Sim could read my writing.

Elaine Denham:
I don't mind him having a woman, just not one with a bloody dog in her handbag.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
If there's anyone who hasn't come to gawp, drink tea or otherwise waste my time, put your hand up.

Roger Fenn:
You are a miserable bugger.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[taking this as a compliment] Thank you.

Mrs. Richards:
You sacked Elaine Denham?

Nikki:
For no good reason.

Mrs. Richards:
They say Elaine's a good girl.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'm sure they do.

Nikki:
Maybe in London you can mess people around like that.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yes, as often as we can.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Elaine, you do check prescriptions before printing them, don't you?

Elaine Denham:
Yeah.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Right, well, we seem to have a woman with erectile dysfunction here.

Roger Fenn:
So you're not going to give me anything for my throat?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No. And I'm not going to give you anything for the chip on your shoulder either.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'm going to refer you for more tests.

Roger Fenn:
Ah. Referrals, otherwise known as covering the arse.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No, otherwise known as offering specialist treatment.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Mr Fenn, there is a high probability you have a cancer of the larynx. You'll need surgery and you may well lose your voice, which has a certain appeal.

Louisa Glasson:
[visiting Roger in hospital] I can't believe Martin hasn't been here. At least he could tell you what's going on.

Roger Fenn:
I know *exactly* what's going on. I'm pushed out of my job an inch before I qualify for a pension and on the day when I may be about to lose my voice forever I find myself having to *chat* to the woman who replaced me.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Has the surgeon been in?

Roger Fenn:
Yes. And I thought *you* were a smug bastard.

Roger Fenn:
Can I come up and talk to you about chemo...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Sh, sh, sh. Rest that voice. I'll see if I can squeeze you in.

Junior Doctor:
I read you on blocked carotids.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Don't suck up.

Marianne Walker:
Am I your first official patient?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You are indeed. Collect a thousand loyalty points and you get a free coffin.

[Elaine has taken down a garbled phone message about a boy with a dangerously high temperature]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
So there's a sick child *somewhere*, but you didn't get the telephone number, let alone the boy's name? I suppose we could always get his name from the obituary.

Elaine Denham:
Right... well... look...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No. You look, Elaine. For a new job.

Elaine Denham:
What? Just because...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Because you are the most incompetent person I have ever had the misfortune to encounter and that incompetence may very well end up costing someone their life. You're fired.

[Roger Fenn is about to have an operation on his voicebox which may result in him losing his voice. Doc Martin has just confessed to him the reason that he stopped being a surgeon and became a GP]

Roger Fenn:
You probably want to keep that quiet.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[ironically] Yeah, I wouldn't want the village to fall out of love with me.

Roger Fenn:
Your secret's safe with me.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well it's not like you're going to be able to tell anyone anyway, is it?

[long pause, while Roger decides whether or not to be offended by Doc Martin's tactlessness. Then he chuckles]

[Louisa walks towards Doc Martin]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Louisa! You're looking...

[she completely ignores him]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
...Straight through me.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[on telephone] Richard Edgerton, ENT. Dr Ellingham, I have a patient who needs an urgent laryngoscopy. I'd say it was a carcinoma of the larynx. Yes, that is my opinion.

[to the dog who is rooting around in the bin]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Stop it. Stop it! Well, because I'm a doctor and he's a smoker with a lump in his neck. Would you like the tumour to write to you?

[the dog now has his head in the bin]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
WILL YOU GET OUT OF THAT BIN!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Elaine, when we agreed that you would start 8:30, you did understand that I meant A.M.?

Roger Fenn:
What do you do when you're not working?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'm always working.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Hello Bobby. Feeling better?

Bobby Richards:
I don't like you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well that's alright because, um, I like you.

Bobby Richards:
I were mean to Elaine. My sisters say you're the W word, the T word, the P word, and the Zed word.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What's the Zed word?

Joan Norton:
If you wanted a chocolate-box village, go to the Isle of Wight. This is a real place.

Elaine Denham:
Are you gonna pay me for this week or what?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What.

Louisa Glasson:
You cross the line once in Portwenn and... will you stop that?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Is the vision a little blurred in that eye?

Louisa Glasson:
Yes.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Hmm. Fixed and semi-dilated pupil. Bit of pain?

Louisa Glasson:
Sometimes. What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's acute glaucoma.

Louisa Glasson:
You're kidding.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No. You should see an eye specialist today.

Louisa Glasson:
How are you finding us?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Irritating. All except the primary school teacher who's a pirate, it seems.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Good afternoon, Elaine. You're looking efficient. Enjoy your tea.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Whose is this sodding dog?

Joan Norton:
I always hoped you wouldn't grow up looking like your father but there you go.

Bert Large:
Way I see it, you need patients and we need a doc.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Right. You, hold this and shut up. You, get off the phone and find the stopcock and you, either go back to Delabole, wherever that may be, and don't come back, or go and find a mop and work out how to use it.

Elaine Denham:
I'm Elaine.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
That must be nice for you.

Elaine Denham:
Practice receptionist?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Oh. I'm not hiring yet.

Elaine Denham:
I've come from Delabole!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Is that far?

Elaine Denham:
Hello! I've come from Delabole. There's no point going and then coming back later. I may as well start now, innit.

Elaine Denham:
You're needy and I'm 26, innit.

Elaine Denham:
Any milk?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
One spore or two?

Elaine Denham:
What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It had turned to penicillin. It's in the bin.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Treat yourself to a noun.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Elaine, while you're here there are a few things to organise.

Elaine Denham:
Like what?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
A new exam couch for starters.

Elaine Denham:
Wait!

[starts taking notes]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
A new exam couch. An examination light. A functioning sphygmomanometer.

Elaine Denham:
A what?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[testily] It measures blood pressure. That should be it for the moment.

[Elaine hands him her notes]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
"Milk, biscuits"?

Elaine Denham:
While you're getting that other stuff. Oh, and Hello! magazine. Write it down.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'm not your personal shopper, I want you to find me a medical equipment supplier.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[Elaine is ignoring the ringing telephone] How are you feeling today? Any ringing in the ears?

Colonel Gilbert Spencer:
Gilbert Spencer. Lieutenant-Colonel. Retired.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Martin Ellingham. Doctor. Practising.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
How much HRT cream can one woman use?

Susan Brading:
Old Dr Sim didn't care much for the rule book.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
He didn't care much for hygiene either by the look of his surgery.

Colonel Gilbert Spencer:
Do you think it could be something to do with the water? There have been rumours.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
God, I hope not, otherwise we'll all be needing a bra.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You'd better be dying.

Ross:
I think I'm growing breasts.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Oh, God.

Ross:
Oh, no. It's serious, innit!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What? Oh, no, not you, I had a theory, you've just proved it wrong.

Elaine Denham:
There's a patient waiting.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No, there isn't because as you know, I'm not open for business yet.

Elaine Denham:
There's still a patient waiting.

Joan Norton:
The last time you were here you got a splinter in your finger on the beach and you cried.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I was seven.

Joan Norton:
You were eleven.

Bert Large:
The word you're looking for is stopcock.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Elaine, are you going to lend a hand here?

Elaine Denham:
I can't work in this.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, why don't you go home then?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I don't care if I seem a bit Bodmin or a bit lonely or how far it is to Delabole. It's just a dog.

[first lines]

Louisa Glasson:
[spoken to Doc after staring at each other] You've got a problem.

[switches airplane seats]

Joan Norton:
I'll send the large boys 'round, they'll fix up your plumbing. But I'll tell you this for nothing, no woman will ever fix your plumbing up if you go around looking that pale. You've need to eat.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Elaine, does Susan Brading know Gilbert Spencer?

Bert Large:
Know him? Only in the Biblical sense.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What do you mean, she gave birth to him in a stable?

PC Mark Mylow:
You depressed?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Aw no, I've antagonized half the village, buggered up a marriage, and crashed my car. Why would I be depressed?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[after his examination indicated that her skin irritation was caused by a fungal infection] Hope this doesn't reflect the level of care you're giving to our son. Looking after him may seem easy, but it still needs to be done to a standard.

Mel:
I have standards.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You also have skin fungus.

Mel:
Well, you mind him then. I only come here 'cause no one else would and Louisa begged me.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
And we pay you. Right, well, I have other patients.

Mel:
Well, you'll have to multi-task then, won't you? Shouldn't be a problem, clever man like you!

[a woman phones in to Caroline Bosman's radio programme and asks whether it is true that Dr Ellingham hates the sight of blood]

Bert Large:
[listening to programme in the pub] Doc Martin'll see the funny side, he'll just go with the flow.

Caroline Bosman:
Welcome to Radio Portwenn, you're talking to Caro...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[phoning in to Caroline's radio programme] This is Doctor Martin Ellingham. I'd like to get a few things crystal clear for you and your puerile listeners. I admit to having certain difficulties but they have not and they never will impair my functions as a doctor. And the incident with a certain village plumber was in fact a prank with some ketchup which, I might add, kept me from attending to patients in my surgery. [ranting] As to the so-called homeopathic remedies, if there's one for chronic infantilism then I suggest that your caller and the entire village embark on a course immediately. Thank you.

Neville:
So I don't need a blood test?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You have an ear infection, Neville.

Louisa Glasson:
So how come you got a thing about blood?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's just a minor anxiety disorder resulting from overexposure to a high-pressure environment.

Louisa Glasson:
Surgery.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[nods] I was operating on a woman one day. Simple procedure. I went to see her in the ward beforehand. Her family were there; her husband, her sister and her son; and they were clinging to her. Wouldn't let go. Next time I saw her she was prepped and laid out before me on the operating table and I couldn't do it. I haven't been able to operate since actually, which is a shame because it's the only thing I was ever any good at.

Peter Cronk:
I have done some reading.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Have you done a medical degree?

Peter Cronk:
No.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, shut up then.

[about to perform life-saving surgery on Peter Cronk in the back of an ambulance]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I may vomit.

Adrian Pitts:
I heard the big chief was here.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
How's the boy? No, tell his mother first - her name's...

Adrian Pitts, Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[together] Joy.

Adrian Pitts:
Yes, we do know the drill.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Any complications?

Adrian Pitts:
A tiny bit of pancreatic leak but nothing more.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Secondary spleen?

Adrian Pitts:
There was, actually; and, yes, sir, I was careful to leave it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Where does it hurt?

Peter Cronk:
I'm all right.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
When you're the doctor you can make that judgement. Where does it hurt?

Peter Cronk:
It doesn't.

Peter Cronk:
I was wrong. Intercostal sprain.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, we'll see. Let's get you to the hospital, you might be right.

Peter Cronk:
No. You tell the truth. Most adults... you tell the truth.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
OK, Peter, I think when you fell in the gym you may have hurt one of your important organs. You have some shoulder-tip pain on your left side so I suspect that it's the spleen.

Peter Cronk:
You can live without your spleen, can't you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yes, you can. but you may be bleeding inside so that's why we're getting you to the hospital.

Peter Cronk:
Am I going to be OK?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
If I have anything to do with it, yes.

Louisa Glasson:
What are you doing? He's nine years old.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
All right. Take him to the hospital.

Louisa Glasson:
What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Obviously nine-year-olds and nursery teachers know better than I do. Take him to the hospital, have him checked over there.

[Martin and Louisa are in the back of a taxi. Louisa leans over and kisses Martin passionately]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'm assuming you have a regular dental hygiene routine.

Louisa Glasson:
Well obviously not in the last few hours, but thank you very much - yes I have.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well that would suggest rhinositis or gastro-oesophagal reflux.

Louisa Glasson:
Are you saying I've got bad breath?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I just think it would be wise to rule out any infections of the aero-digestive tract. Obviously a dietary explanation would be the happiest outcome.

[Louisa looks very offended. She gets the taxi to stop, and makes Martin get out and walk]

Joan Norton:
Please, Marty, don't apologise - it would give either one or both of us heart failure.

Isobel:
I'm going to have a natural birth - none of those icky drugs, or anything.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
God forbid you should use "icky drugs" when you could experience the excruciating agony of childbirth in the raw.

Mr Porter:
[while stroking his ailing sow's neck] Tell me, what's the most important question you should ask yourself before getting married?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[while examining the sow] I have my finger in your pig's anus!

Mr Porter:
You want me to help you, then I'd dare to humor me.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Does she make me happy?

Mr Porter:
No, close. Very close. Would almost give you that. Actually, go to the wrong way up. It's do I make her happy? End of the day, that's all it's about.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Morwenna, what's this? There's only two MMR vaccinations. I told you to contact everyone on that list.

Morwenna Newcross:
I did. The rest of them are a bit scared to come in now.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Oh, for God's sake! Don't they realize it's perfectly safe? If they don't vaccinate their children, they run the risk of catching a ghastly disease!

Morwenna Newcross:
No. They're not scared of the vaccination. They're scared of you!

P C Penhale:
You know, 'Things to do, places to see, people to caution'.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Why doesn't anyone in this village do as I say?

Louisa Glasson:
Ten year olds don't always know what's best for them.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I did.

Louisa Glasson:
Yes, but you're a bit different from the rest of us.

Pauline Lamb:
Don't forget you've got the school thing today. If Louisa Glasson gets it there's a bit of a party later at the Crab.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What happens if she doesn't?

Pauline Lamb:
No-one in Portwenn will talk to you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I can live with that.

[while Peter Cronk is staying with Dr Martin Ellingham, he persuades Martin to let him rent "an educational video". Later, Louisa is horrified to see that he is watching an X-rated horror film]

Louisa Glasson:
What are you watching? Turn it off!

Peter Cronk:
Oh, but they were just about to eat the virgin's eyeballs.

Louisa Glasson:
Off! Martin?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
He told me it was educational.

Louisa Glasson:
Yes, and he just said the words "virgin's eyeballs".

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Is that bad?

Mrs. Richards:
[about her husband] Oh, sure! If I mention impetigo he'll ditch his girlfriend straight away, drive overnight from Glasgow and give our marriage one more try.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Good.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, as I have just explained to Peter, you are a, er, er, woman.

Louisa Glasson:
Oh. Glad you noticed.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yeah, years of medical training.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Pauline, get PC Mark Mylow on the phone. Tell him there's a dangerous dog on the loose. I want it caught and put to sleep.

Pauline Lamb:
Put to sleep?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Destroyed, Pauline. Killed. Sent to that big doggy basket in the sky.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[to the dog] Get out!

Mel Collins:
If you had enough time to improve equal opportunity policy, where would you start?

Interview Woman:
[Thinks, sips water, thinks some more, sips again]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
More to the point: how long would it take you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[speaking to a patient] Portwenn has one doctor and 966 people who know better.

Ruth Ellingham:
[At a caf? table] But it isn't your pilfering and your petty meanness that I care about. It's the damage that you can still inflict on Martin.

Margaret Ellingham:
Well, I don't have to stay here to listen to this.

Ruth Ellingham:
Go home, Margaret.

Margaret Ellingham:
[Ready to leave alone] I am Martin's mother. I have every right to be here. You've never had children. You can't possibly understand what you're talking about.

Ruth Ellingham:
Don't forget your grandson!

Bert Large:
Your husband - is he *really* poorly?

Marigold:
He's a man, so he's at death's door, isn't he?

[Eleanor goes into Mrs Tishell's shop]

Eleanor Glasson:
Have you got any avocado oil?

Mrs. Tishell:
This is a pharmacy, not a voodoo store, Eleanor.

Eleanor Glasson:
Sally! I didn't recognise you. Sea air is *really* harsh on the skin, isn't it?

Mrs. Tishell:
And you're back.

Eleanor Glasson:
Yeah, for Lulu. You know?

Mrs. Tishell:
Yes, well, that will be a nice change for Louisa.

Eleanor Glasson:
Not before a time, thank God. Poor thing's swamped, and that man of hers - total waste of space.

Mrs. Tishell:
[indignantly] Doctor Ellingham is one of the finest human beings I have ever met.

Eleanor Glasson:
[cattily] Well, I don't suppose you meet that many. Never really heard the call of the wild, did you?

Mrs. Tishell:
Oh, I heard the call! I just chose not to listen. Leave that to the likes of you.

Eleanor Glasson:
Life's adventuress.

Mrs. Tishell:
That wasn't quite the word I had in mind.

Louisa Glasson:
[listening to James on the baby monitor] Listen! He's stopped crying.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[concerned] Perhaps, I should check on him.

Louisa Glasson:
Martin! She's my mother. I'll be the one that doesn't trust her.

Louisa Glasson:
[responding to Martin hollering for her to come] Sssh! Don't wake him!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[holding up the baby's bottle] Smell that. Alcohol.

Louisa Glasson:
No! She wouldn't do something like that.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What else does it look like?

Louisa Glasson:
Well, there has to be an explanation. Doesn't there?

Eleanor Glasson:
[enters room] I'll just be off, then. If ever you need a babysitter, you know where I am.

Louisa Glasson:
Did you put something in this?

Eleanor Glasson:
A few drops of my tonic. He loves it! It's homeopathic - sort of. Been takin' it for years!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What do you mean "sort of"?

Eleanor Glasson:
Camphrey, lavender, mint - bit of apple peel.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yeast! The yeast in the apple skin turns the plant sugars into alcohol.

Louisa Glasson:
It's alcoholic!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You have drugged our child!

Eleanor Glasson:
I think that's taking things a bit far, don't you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Haven't you noticed the effect it has on you? I have.

Eleanor Glasson:
[to Louisa] Never did you any harm.

Louisa Glasson:
[opens the front door and motions with her arm] Just go - please.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[standing in the kitchen of Bert's new restaurant] This kitchen is disgusting!

Bert Large:
I've been feeding myself for years. I haven't killed myself once.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I want you to close this restaurant.

Bert Large:
[wanting to get out of earshot of his customers] Come into the kitchen. I put everything I've got into this place.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, you're certainly putting something into it that's making people very ill, indeed.

Bert Large:
I've eaten here, and I'm perfectly fine!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Bert, you've spent your entire working life with your arm down a lavatory. You're bound to have built up a resistance to certain bacteria. The point I'm trying to make is that you are by profession and design a plumber, not a restaurateur.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[Placing a small vial before her] Here. I think that'll solve your problem.

Mandie:
What is it?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I don't know, don't say.

Mandie:
Is it legal?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It hasn't been, uh, clinically tested.

Mandie:
So, I'm like part of a trial?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Hmm.

Mandie:
Um, these'll gimme tits?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Um. if you take one, uh, once a week, and only one.

Mandie:
Oh, my God!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Provided you, uh, take regular exercise and eat well, don't smoke or don't drink, your breasts will develop.

Mandie:
How long for?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Uh, until you finish them, finish the course.

Mandie:
Should I take one now?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yes, put it under your tongue and let it dissolve.

Mandie:
It tastes like peppermint.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
That's correct. Yes.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'll prescribe you a course of anti-inflammatories. That should help with the pain. Make an appointment to come back in five days.

John Moysey:
What happens if I drop dead before then?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Then we'll cancel the appointment.

Trace:
[while paired up during Millie's Playtime at the library] Actually, there is something I wanted to ask you, about Shona.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
About what?

Trace:
My baby!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yes.

Trace:
The thing is, she isn't really grabbing hold of things. Shouldn't she be doing that by now?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Infants develop at different rates. The child is probably just backward.

Trace:
What?

Janet:
Do you know how Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
As far as I'm aware, he didn't use his sister as a guinea pig!

Joan Norton:
Her name's Louisa Glasson, the school teacher.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I know. We've met.

Joan Norton:
But not successfully.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Why do you say that?

Joan Norton:
You were skulking and nobody skulks like that after a successful meeting.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
All those times you brought me up here. Was it always to watch him sail?

Joan Norton:
I'm sorry. Affairs taint everything, don't they.

Joan Norton:
If he asks about me, tell him I'm not here. I've gone up to London.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
But he's already asked about you, and he's standing right behind you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Pauline, I can't have patients' records filed under their first names.

Pauline Lamb:
It was good enough in Newlyn.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, what kind of surgery was it? A vets?

Pauline Lamb:
Still a surgery.

[the baker has come to see Doc Martin about a stomach ache]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Take some time off work.

Baker:
Chance would be a fine thing. I've got a couple of hundred pasties to bake for the eating contest tomorrow - biggest earner of the year.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Cancel it!

Baker:
No, doc.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
In all probability you have a stomach infection. Until I can find out exactly what it is, I don't want you spreading it around the village.

Baker:
It's a tradition, our contest.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Oh yes, the tradition of mass food-poisoning and the complications that ensue. Cancel it!

[to Gavin Peters]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Take your hands off me, you unctuous platitudinising eunuch!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What do you want?

Gavin Peters:
Just a chat.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Then chat with the receptionist - I'm busy.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
And what about, uh, your friend? What's his name? The big squirrel?

Stewart:
Come on, Doc. I don't see Anthony anymore.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Good. That's good. It sounds like you've made a complete recovery.

Stewart:
Yeah. I threw him out. He was taking me for granted.

Bert Large:
How would you feel, if you lost your girl? Because if you're not careful, she's gonna leave you, toothbrush and all.

Al Large:
[startled] What?

Bert Large:
First off, you follow her around like a lamb.

Al Large:
No, I don't.

Bert Large:
Yes, you do, and Pauline don't like it.

Al Large:
How do you know?

Bert Large:
Because she told me not to tell you. And you're "seamy".

Al Large:
I'm what?

Bert Large:
"Seamy".

Al Large:
I don't even know what that means, Dad.

Bert Large:
Neither do I - but it's not good.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[During a house call] Squeeze. No, you're not having a stroke.

Mr Routledge:
Then why do I feel as if I am?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Because you're a mentally deranged time-waster. It's Sod's Law that states the one time I fail to attend is the one day you actually die.

[Martin, Louisa and their new-born baby are in the village shop which is crowded with customers]

Shopkeeper:
[to Louisa] Are you sore?

Louisa Glasson:
A little bit.

[Martin overhears and calls across the shop]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Where?

Louisa Glasson:
It's nothing.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Where are you sore?

[customers turn round to eavesdrop on this interesting conversation]

Louisa Glasson:
Where do you think?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No, I mean is it *just* the perineum?

Louisa Glasson:
The what?

[Martin points between his legs]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
The perineum - between the anus and the vagina.

Louisa Glasson:
[embarrassed] Martin, we're in a shop.

Mrs. Tishell:
Have you had this medication before?

Mrs. Bollard:
No.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No. And why is that, Mrs Bollard?

Mrs. Bollard:
Don't know, Dr. Ellingham.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yes, you do. You've already damaged your liver, and until you get your alcohol consumption under control, Diclofenac will make it worse.

Mrs. Bollard:
The new doctor said I could have some for my ankles.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, she's wrong. Put it back.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[in pursuit] Dr Dibbs!

Dr. Diana Dibbs:
Leave me alone!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Have a seat. For God's sake, woman, you're going to collapse.

[Dr. Dibbs falls to the pavement]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Told you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Come back to the surgery this afternoon, and I'll dress this wound properly. And you must stay off work for at least two days.

Paul Hale:
I can't do that, Doc!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[brusquely] Fine. Go back to work. Wait till the soft tissue becomes infected - then I'll gladly amputate your hand when it becomes gangrenous.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
How was London, this time?

Ruth Ellingham:
Noise, crowds, heat, pollution... I loved it.

Ruth Ellingham:
[looking at an old photo] You know, people say, "You haven't changed a bit," but in your case, it's literally true. I mean, just look at that tie.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What? Lots of children wore ties in those days.

Ruth Ellingham:
On special occasions, yes. This in on the beach!

Bert Large:
So I've given everyone the runs?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Quick as a flash.

Louisa Glasson:
I'm just looking for my Martin... marking! My marking...

Louisa Glasson:
I heard you on the radio.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Oh. Which time?

Louisa Glasson:
Does it matter?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yes, some were more painful than others.

Louisa Glasson:
Really?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No, they were all awful.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, Caroline, it seems to me you have about a thousand locals who do nothing but talk about themselves. Why don't you interview one of them?

Jean:
What did you see in him at interview?

Louisa Glasson:
Don't blame me, only one of my eyes was working.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Elaine. It is *not* your job to give medical advice over the telephone.

Elaine Denham:
It was bellyache. That's not medical advice, it's common sense.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Can *I* please decide who comes to my surgery?

Elaine Denham:
No.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No?

Elaine Denham:
If they have bellyache or diarrhoea, I have them wait. If they've got something serious I get them in straight away.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Thank you, I'm familiar with triage.

Elaine Denham:
Right, so I want an apology. If is wasn't for me you'd have had a dozen diarrhoeas since yesterday.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
How many?

Caroline Bosman:
[interviewing the Doc on the radio] What was your first impression of our village?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's windy.

Caroline Bosman:
And the people?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
The people?

Caroline Bosman:
The people of Portwenn.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What about them?

Caroline Bosman:
Well, the people of Portwenn are a rich and diverse culture - I bet you've been struck by certain individuals?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's early days yet.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I try to remain current - I find I kill fewer patients that way.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You know, when I told my father that I wasn't going to follow him into the navy, we didn't speak for three months.

Bert Large:
Yeah, but now you're older, you can understand his point, can't you? I mean, that's what I was trying to say to Al.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No, we still don't speak actually.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Have you noticed an increased demand for diarrhoea remedies lately?

Mrs. Tishell:
Yes - in fact you could say there's been a *run* on them.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I think you're being unfair.

Louisa Glasson:
Oh, right. Thank you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Because you say one thing when you mean another. You agree to something when actually you want something else. It doesn't make sense.

Louisa Glasson:
So, if I'd have said I wanted a big, lavish wedding, with white horses and a gold carriage and a big reception with hundreds of guests and a week-long honeymoon on some tropical island, you would have said what? Hmm? Martin?

[earlier in the day, Martin caught Auntie Joan and Edward making love in her kitchen. He left quickly, in disgust and embarrassment. Now Joan has come to see Martin]

Joan Norton:
If you have a problem with my relationship, let's talk about it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I don't believe it's a real relationship.

Joan Norton:
Oh, and you'd know about that, would you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I know that sex on the kitchen table with a man fifty years your junior does not qualify as a real relationship.

Joan Norton:
I am going to continue to see Edward. It won't last forever and it certainly isn't true love, but it's what I want. So get used to it.

[she storms off]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[shouting after her] Osteoporosis and sexual intercourse on kitchen tables don't mix!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I want a word with you.

Pauline Lamb:
Let me guess. "You're fired".

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
That's two words.

Pauline Lamb:
But I am though, aren't I? That is so unfair. I told you...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Phlebotomy.

Pauline Lamb:
What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Phlebotomy.

Pauline Lamb:
I don't know what that means.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You clearly don't have a problem dealing with blood. I want you to go on this course. It's in Truro next week. They'll show you how to find a vein, how insert a needle into a patient, and how to draw blood for nurses. I'll tell you who to bleed, but, uh, you'll be in charge of the actual bleeding.

PC Penhale:
He wouldn't come quietly, so I started to put the cuffs on. He runs out into the yard, I chase after him, trip-up, fall under his horse. When I wake up, the paramedic tells me that he kicked me in the head. The horse, not the paramedic.

Pauline Lamb:
I just told him what it said on the website.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Which website was this, I-keep-forgetting-I'm-just-a-receptionist-dot-com? If anyone has a medical problem, refer them to me. I'm the doctor.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I have patients to see. This consultation's over.

Alison Lane:
[about her daughter Delph] But you haven't told me what's wrong with her yet.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
She's very annoying.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[Seeing her out] Goodbye, Mrs. Lane.

Alison Lane:
It's not "Mrs." I'm divorced.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'm not surprised.

Bert Large:
Why is it, exactly, do you think that I'm unhappy all the time? I know that's a hard one.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No, it isn't. You're lonely, bored, unloved, and past your prime, if you ever had a prime.

[a passenger sitting next to Martin on the train has just died. Martin has pulled the communication cord to summon help]

Conductor:
I've never seen a dead body before. I'm not really sure what to do - I missed that day of training.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
I think it's best we get a move on.

Conductor:
But he's... you know, dead.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
It's not a condition that's going to change the longer we stop here.

Conductor:
Maybe we should say something.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
He won't hear.

Conductor:
He's probably gone to a better place.

Dr Martin Ellingham:
Well at least *one* of us has.

Danny Steel:
I sometimes wonder, with things not happening for me in London, whether it's a sign. It's a clich? I know but God, sometimes...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yes, he works in mysterious ways, doesn't he? Like malaria.

PC Mark Mylow:
I've got some news.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What?

PC Mark Mylow:
You'll never guess...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I don't have to.

PC Mark Mylow:
Go on. Try.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No.

Christopher Ellingham:
[referring to Mark] Possesses a wonderful naivety, your chum.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yeah.

Christopher Ellingham:
Going to have his work cut out though.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What do you mean?

Christopher Ellingham:
Well, the only way he's going to keep her is if he locks her up in a cell. Mind you, you'd have to drug them to keep them. Two peas in a pod you two.

[at the concert, Annie, the chef, offers Martin and Louisa a tray of canap?s]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Not for me, thanks.

Annie:
Go on, they're delicious.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[unaware that he's speaking to the chef] Salmonella en croute, made yesterday by unwashed strangers - no thank you.

[after the concert, Louisa leads Martin into the woods. They kiss passionately]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[breaking off the kiss] You're very emotional, Louisa.

Louisa Glasson:
Sssh!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What?

Louisa Glasson:
You're not obliged to spoil it, you know.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Are you wearing perfume?

Louisa Glasson:
Yes.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Is it sandalwood?

Louisa Glasson:
No. It's Kenzo Flower.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I wondered whether it was pheromones. Androsterone-5 has a sort of sandalwood odour - faintly urine-like, if you prefer. It's the pheromone associated with the onset of the menstrual cycle, and it's often accompanied by mood swings.

Louisa Glasson:
Urine-like?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yeah, it's only faint. Am I right?

Louisa Glasson:
A woman doesn't have to be getting her period to be a bit emotional.

[Louisa walks off in a huff]

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
He locked me in his compound.

PC Mark Mylow:
He locked you in?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, there was a key but I didn't know it. I felt he forced me to have dinner with him and Anthony the squirrel.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
The man thinks he lives with a giant squirrel. He needs help.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Well, there's the mystery of medicine. Everyone comes to you for an opinion but when you actually give them that opinion nobody really wants it, do they?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'm only going to say this once. Firstly, antibiotics don't touch viruses. Secondly, even if you had a bacterial infection you'd be well advised to try and fight it on your own to build up some kind of natural immunity. Thirdly, we are noticing some bacterial strains becoming resistant to antibiotics in common usage due to the widespread overprescription by doctors like the late great Jim Sim dishing out antibiotics in all probability to whingers like you.

PC Mark Mylow:
That's easy for you to say - you haven't got my problem. You haven't got a date with the woman of your dreams.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Who's that?

PC Mark Mylow:
Louisa.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
What makes you think that?

PC Mark Mylow:
Think what?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
That the woman of my dreams... Louisa. Louisa is the woman of your dreams.

PC Mark Mylow:
Peter, I could arrest you for criminal damage. But I was thinking, Bob in the lifeboat house has some woodworking tools. Maybe you and I could spend some time in there? Make a few bird tables?

Peter Cronk:
[considers the suggestion for a moment] I'd sooner be arrested.

PC Mark Mylow:
If you don't mind me saying, I think Portwenn's having an effect on you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Then you won't mind me saying that I don't carry multivitamins, but luckily for Stewart you do.

PC Mark Mylow:
I hope you don't mind me saying, that was a good call you made today. What you did with Stewart. I think the village'll appreciate it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Then you won't mind me saying that I don't carry vitamin tablets but luckily for Stewart, you do.

PC Mark Mylow:
What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Your, um, enlargement tablets. Ascorbic acid, d-alpha tocopherol, prydoxine... they're multivitamins.

PC Mark Mylow:
They can't... that's not ethical.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You'll get over it. Big boy.

PC Mark Mylow:
I'll be right here if you need me. Hi, Stewart!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I need you in there.

PC Mark Mylow:
Technically I can't bring him in on a 136 unless I find him in a public place, that's the mental health act.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Why didn't you tell me?

Stewart James:
I've gone over the top, haven't I?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yeah.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
The pills old Doctor Sim used to give you. You were taking them weren't you. Did they help?

Stewart James:
Kept me just this side of Bodmin.

Stewart James:
Magicians, these chemists.

Peter Cronk:
People think I'm being rude, but I'm just saying what's in my head, you know.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yeah. I do know.

Elaine Denham:
Did you hurt that dog? I love dogs.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Yeah, I love them too. I love the way they smell. I love the way they bite you. Dogs are the best.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[finding the stray dog sitting outside the surgery] I thought you were going to...

PC Mark Mylow:
I know. He got out. Had a good lawyer.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You'll get over it, big boy.

Stewart James:
You must be Doc Martin.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's Dr Ellingham, actually.

Stewart James:
Yeah, I heard you prefer your proper title. I thought surgeons prided themselves on just plain Mr.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'm no longer a surgeon.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
For the record, unless you're incapacitated you should come in to the surgery.

Stewart James:
I can't really leave here during the day.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Let's hope you don't need a doctor then.

Stewart James:
So it's true.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's true I don't appreciate having my time wasted if that's what you mean.

Stewart James:
A man of your talent. Famously sharp mind. Portwenn must come as a bit of a shock. I bet half the village came in when you opened up just to see what you'd done with the place.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
They did.

Stewart James:
Then there's the agressive unhelpfulness of that receptionist, oh, what's her name?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Elaine?

Stewart James:
Yeah Elaine. And those girls. Those girls that just hang around giggling all the time.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You're very perceptive.

Stewart James:
Portwenn should come with a handbook.

Stewart James:
They can't make good coffee there, it's just brown water.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
In my experience, you can get brown water from the tap.

Elaine Denham:
Your stuff's arrived at the pharmacy, you'd better go and get it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Er, no, Elaine...

Elaine Denham:
Just don't speak to me now, innit!

Lorna Gillott:
Well, I've sort of had aches and pains in my joints, but I always have those. And I'm always tired, even when I get my eight hours sleep. I just figured it was an age thing, you know?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Why didn't you mention this the last time you were here?

Lorna Gillott:
I don't know. Summer's my busy season! At least it's meant to be. I got bills to pay and debts to cover, and, and no one likes bad news, Doc.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Fear of a diagnosis never changed an underlying problem.

Mrs. Wead:
[after Doc has concluded that her daughter has an ulcer, not food poisoning] I think, I think you did actually mention the possibility that it could be.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
The possibility, yes, but not the certainty or even the probability. Do you know the difference between those words?

Becky Wead:
Don't talk to my mum like that!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'll talk how I want. It's my surgery. The tests on your feces rule out food poisoning. Is there any part of that sentence that either of you are struggling with? Good. Take this and go away.

Edith Montgomery:
You conquered your blood phobia, but you now have a fear of intimacy.

Little Susie:
[about Louisa] Is she your girlfriend?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No.

Little Susie:
How tall are you? Why do you look so sad?

Mick:
How long have I got left? A year? Two?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[Doc Martin grabs a book from a packing box]

Mick:
Oh bloody hell, you know it's bad when even the doctor has to look it up in a book.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It's a ganglion, a cyst of the joint. Hold your hand up.

[Doc Martin suddenly swings the book hard, striking Mick's hand]

Little Susie:
What's that you've got there?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Mind your own business. Shoo!

Little Susie:
What does "shoo" mean?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
It means go away.

Little Susie:
But why didn't you say, "go away" then?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
[emphatically] Go - Away!

John - Paramedic:
[to Doc] A bit of advice, mate. The less you speak, the better it is for everyone.

Uncle Jimmy:
What do you mean unnatural?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You have three times more testosterone in your sustem than is normal!

Uncle Jimmy:
You didn't say normal. You said unnatural. Who are you to decide what's natural?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
I'm a doctor!

Uncle Jimmy:
Oh, and that makes you the big man, does it?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
Oh, don't be so stupid!

Aunt Jennie:
Jimmy!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You've been taking testosterone supplements, haven't you? Where'd you get them from? A gymnasium?

Uncle Jimmy:
Oh, so going to the gym's now unnatural, is it?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
You imagine that taking fistfuls of anabolic steroids is going to increase your chances of conceiving a child, yes?

Uncle Jimmy:
Well, isn't it?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
No! It has the opposite effect. The brain gets the message to stop producing luteinizing hormone, which in turn arrests normal sperm production. Not only does it make you stupidly, moronically aggressive, it also renders you infertile!

Uncle Jimmy:
Well, it's all right for you!