Goon

Doug Glatt:
Where is LaFlamme?

Gord Ogilvey:
Probably giving some single mother herpes out in the parking lot.

Rod McCaudry:
[after a horrendous rendition of the national anthem] Well that was borderline treasonous, and a disgrace to our nation and its proud and storied history. My father didn't kick the Nazis'... and the puck drops!

Rod McCaudry:
That's the first win in a month! I'm gonna go crack some champagne and make love to my old lady! It'll be the first time, the best time, in a long time!

Marco:
Two rules, man: Stay away from my f***in' percocets and do you have any f***ing percocets, man?

Eva:
You make me wanna stop sleeping with a bunch of guys.

Doug Glatt:
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Evgeni:
We should sign his dick. Everyone sign his dick!

Doug Glatt:
What's happening here?

Oleg:
What's the matter? You have a little puss-puss? Mommy whipped up a p*ssy pot pie, huh?

Evgeni:
Let's see what's going on over there.

Oleg:
Show us your dick.

Doug Glatt:
I don't want you to see my dick.

Oleg:
Why you being gay?

Marco:
I think you're f***in', being... pretty gay.

Oleg:
It's not gay.

Evgeni:
Not if you're brothers.

Marco:
If you're brothers it's gay with a f***in' dash of something else.

Doug Glatt:
My brother's gay and he doesn't even do that.

Marco:
I've been playing hockey my whole life, I never f***in' signed no ones dick man.

John Stevenson:
I'll sign your dick Doug.

Oldfield:
Hey Glatt, you little f***in' dick weed. You try any of that sh*t you did against Hamilton on me, I'll light your f***in' ass up!

Doug Glatt:
Hey! I'll light your ass... back up... on fire.

Gord Ogilvey:
Alright boys, listen up. We're sill in this thing. We just need a quick one.

John Stevenson:
Listen up Cash!

Gord Ogilvey:
We gotta work harder than them, okay?

John Stevenson:
Harder than them, guys.

Gord Ogilvey:
You know what's hard work? Going through a divorce, she's trying to get all my money now. She can have half of it, I don't give a sh*t. The other half, hard work, mine! Some guys on their team are f***in' divorced. Three guys there, who's f***in' marriages are in the f***in' toilet.

John Stevenson:
We're playing divorced guys.

Doug Glatt:
Yeah!

Gord Ogilvey:
We gotta be f***in' triceps, biceps, arceps hard!

Doug Glatt:
Hard!

Gord Ogilvey:
Greek f***in' underground gay porn hard!

John Stevenson:
We're all Adonis's

Gord Ogilvey:
Highlanders, gay porn hard!

Doug Glatt:
Gay porn hard!

Rollie Hortense:
It's just too bad those are your teammates that you f***ed up out there.

Doug Glatt:
Oh, I'm sorry sir.

Rollie Hortense:
Of course, on the bright side, those are your teammates that you f***ed up out there. What do you say son, you wanna be an Assassin?

Doug Glatt:
Yes, yes.

Rollie Hortense:
What number you wanna wear?

Ryan:
69! Take the number 69, It's hilarious!

Doug Glatt:
Is that number taken?

Ronnie Hortense:
And for those of you who think you've got no practice tomorrow. 6 AM, bag skate pussies! I wanna see every single one of you work your f***ing asses off until you puke your guts out! This is not f***ing Baseball! Do you wanna make the playoffs or not? Goddamnit.

Ross Rhea:
You have my respect. Whatever that means to you, you got it. But, know this sh*t hard. If ever there comes a time when it gets down to the marrow, and it's you and me. Kid, I will lay you the f*** out.

Doug Glatt:
Hey! What the hell?

Ryan:
Recognize!

Doug Glatt:
Of course I recognize you!

Ryan:
You recognize this big f***in' beautiful family of yours?

Doug Glatt:
Oh my god, this is amazing, I'm so happy!

Ronnie Hortense:
Glatt! What the f*** are you doing mother f***er? Start skating, chase some ice!

Ryan:
Look at you, you're a - you're a f***ing beast. You're like the f***ing Hebrew Dolph Lundgren or some sh*t.

Doug Glatt:
I think we both have a light in our stomachs. A special light. Like ET. And the team needs somebody to light the way. My stomach light needs your stomach light. We can all phone home together.

Ross Rhea:
Everybody loves the soldiers until they come home and stop fighting.

Ross Rhea:
Kid, you got this thing. The stuff. The sh*t. The f***in' grit, you got it, like me. But like me, that's all you f***in' got. And like me, you're no good to anyone doing anything else. All I'm saying is don't go trying to be a hockey player. You'll get your f***in' heart ripped out.

[last lines]

Doug Glatt:
I think I nailed him.

Doug Glatt:
I'm stupid, he's gay... we're stupidgay.

[after Eva comes up to him crying]

Doug Glatt:
Hey - what happened? Did you just watch Rudy?

Rod McCaudry:
Are you there Doug? It's me Margaret.

Ross Rhea:
So Huntsie I was wondering. How long does it take you to get your hair like that?

Huntington:
About four hours.

Ross Rhea:
It's nice. Somebody thinks you look like Stevie Wonder on steroids, but I like it.

Huntington:
F*** you!

Ross Rhea:
Ooh! Look at that face p*ssy that rookie gave you. Come on!

Ryan:
I've never seen Rhea lose his sh*t like that before. He got suspended for 20 f***ing games. Boston sends him down to St. John's. He's 40-years old. That's it! He's f***ing done, son. I'll probably feature it on next week's Hot Ice, unless that motherf***er Sully from Worcester calls in again. Last week, he called in pretending that he was from some f***ing sweepstakes and he told me that I had won the grand prize of 50 c*cks in my mouth. He goes, I have the option of sucking all 50 at once or one a month for 50 f***ing months. F***, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring you down, pal.

Doug Glatt:
Oh, no no no. I don't have a thing, you know? Like, you have your show. My dad and my brother, they have their doctor thing. I don't got a thing. Everybody's got something but me.

Ryan:
Would it help that I want you inside me? That I want you to make lemonade in my chocolate factory? Hey? F*** this sad sh*t. Let's just go watch the Assassins kick the sh*t out of Oshawa. I'll fill your big thick ass full of f***ing corn dogs.

O'Sullivan:
Hi there, I was wondering if you like hot dogs.

Doug Glatt:
Yes, I like hot dogs.

O'Sullivan:
Great!

Doug Glatt:
Um, but I prefer corn dogs because you don't need a bun for it. Because the bun is all around it and you can eat it from a stick.

O'Sullivan:
You like hot dogs 'cause you like c*cks in your mouth, son!

Ryan:
You motherf***er!

O'Sullivan:
Sully from Worcester, b*tches!

Ryan:
Dammit! F*** you, Gus and Brian! You motherf***ers! You're supposed to screen this sh*t!

Doug Glatt:
Man, I'm wasted. Eva, I really like your name.

Eva:
Yes, sir. It's a great name. Like the Bible just with a bit more, kind of, mustard on it.

Doug Glatt:
I think it's a pretty name. Like your face. You got a pretty name and a pretty face.

Eva:
Aw, you're very nice to me. [takes drink] F*** it. Doug, I dig hockey players. The sh*t, the violence, the beer, all of it. I f***ing love it.

Doug Glatt:
Sad.

Eva:
Wanna get out of here?

Doug Glatt:
Yes, please.

Doug Glatt:
You're so pretty. You're so beautiful. I'm sorry, I keep saying that. I'm sorry.

Eva:
It's fine. I think it's cute. Who doesn't like being told they're beautiful? [points at apartment] This is me.

Doug Glatt:
I like you, though.

Eva:
You do, eh?

Doug Glatt:
Yes, ma'am.

Eva:
Eva likes Doug. Eva likes you.

Doug Glatt:
What does Eva think about kissing?

Eva:
Which type?

Doug Glatt:
French? [kisses Eva]

Eva:
Oh f***.

Doug Glatt:
Um. Hey, uh, what do you think about me calling you sometime?

Eva:
I don't know whether that's the best idea. This sh*t.

Doug Glatt:
Why don't you give me your number and I promise that I'll never call you.

Eva:
Okay.

Ronnie Hortense:
Where's the pride? Nobody wants to play?

Ronnie Hortense:
It's time to make up for your mistake. Look at the penalty clock. And when I say, you get over there. Stand in front of that box and wait for that ugly bugger.

Doug Glatt:
Yes, sir.

Ronnie Hortense:
Do exactly what I say!

Doug Glatt:
Yes, sir. Of course.

Ronnie Hortense:
Exactly what I say. You got it? Nothing else.

Oldfield:
You want a f***ing piece of me?

Doug Glatt:
Hi.

Oldfield:
You f***ing p*ssy. I'm gonna f*** you up, Glatt. F*** you! You f***ing take it, you motherf***er. You f***ing b*tch! [punches Glatt]

Rollie Hortense:
What are you doing? F***ing hit him!

Eva:
[answers phone] Hello?

Doug Glatt:
Eva? Hey! This is Doug Glatt. Your number is so similar to my friend's number. I didn't know which was which, so I didn't wanna call my friend and then bother you. I was just checking. Simply checking the numbers out. Hey listen, I'm at the bar with my team. I think some of your friends are gonna come. I don't know if you wanna, like, you know, join us?

Eva:
Actually, I've been trying to cut my drinking down. Trying to be a good girl. Trying.

Doug Glatt:
Well you know, uh, maybe you and I could hang out sometime. You know, get coffee?

Eva:
Um, sure.

Doug Glatt:
Great! I don't drink coffee, but I like Gatorade. And I like power drinks and water.

Eva:
Awesome.

Doug Glatt:
It doesn't even matter if I'm thirsty or not. If I could just see you.

Eva:
That sounds cool.

Ronnie Hortense:
Boys.

Xavier LaFlamme:
Coach.

Ronnie Hortense:
Well, one of you has really been impressing me with your play lately, and one of you hasn't. Either one of you wanna venture to guess as to who's who?

[pause]

Ronnie Hortense:
Ok, well, LaFlamme I'm ripping that "A" off your jersey. You don't deserve it unless the "A" stands for a**hole, which is the way you've been playing. Glatt, you're promoted. Assistant captain. Good on ya, keep up the good work. There's the game puck. I'm proud of you!

Doug Glatt:
Thanks, coach.

Ronnie Hortense:
Xavier, you can take this the right way or the wrong way, son! Ladies' choice.

Doug Glatt:
I wanted to give this to mom and dad, actually.

Mrs. Glatt:
Douglas, it's good to see that you're having fun with this, you know, hobby.

Doug Glatt:
It's not a hobby. It's my job, mom. I'm a hockey player.

Dr. Glatt:
Have you thought at all to the head injuries that come with playing such a violent sport? The concussions?

Mrs. Glatt:
How long do you think you can do this?

Ira:
Mom!

Dr. Glatt:
It's an infantile way for a man to spend his adult years.

Doug Glatt:
No it isn't.

Dr. Glatt:
You can do anything except punch people, okay?

Doug Glatt:
No I couldn't.

Dr. Glatt:
You can teach!

Doug Glatt:
No, I can't! Okay? I can't because I'm stupid. I'm stupid!

Ira:
Doug, you're not that stupid.

Doug Glatt:
I am. I'm stupid. [to Ira] You're gay! I'm stupid and he's gay. Stupid. Gay. You have one stupid son and you've got a gay son. For once in my life I'm actually a part of something. I get to wear a uniform that doesn't have "security" on it. Kids buy it and they wear it and it's got our name on it. Not, for whatever reason, you guys think that I can be smart enough to be a doctor. I have fist smarts. I can fight. I'm strong and I can protect people. That's who I am. That's what I do. And you should be proud of me.

Dr. Glatt:
They call you Thug, for Christ's sake! It might as well say "security" on the back of your sweater. Excuse me.

Ira:
Doug, I am proud of you.

Doug Glatt:
Thanks, buddy.

Ira:
Okay? But I'm gonna go with mom and dad. They've got my passport.

Ryan:
Look, no disrespect intended, but honestly f*** your parents if they don't f***ing appreciate you.

Xavier LaFlamme:
You don't know sh*t about hockey you f***ing bulimic Don Cherry!

Ryan:
You spat in my face!

Doug Glatt:
What the hell?

Ryan:
He started it!

Doug Glatt:
Come on, you're spitting everywhere!

Xavier LaFlamme:
Your friend is f***ing sick!

Ryan:
Oh yeah says the f***ing Frenchman. You people live like animals!

Doug Glatt:
I hate spit! I hate it!

Xavier LaFlamme:
F*** you!

Doug Glatt:
What's your problem?

Xavier LaFlamme:
I'll tell you my problem. How many minutes did you play tonight, huh?

Doug Glatt:
Eleven. So?

Xavier LaFlamme:
You skate like sh*t, but you play eleven f***ing minutes. Who the f*** are you? I'm a f***ing hockey player. You steal my "A," you steal my power play. You're a f***ing goon! A thug! You're f***ing nothing! [punches Glatt]

Doug Glatt:
You are not a hockey player. And the only reason why I'm not knocking your teeth out right now is because you're on my team. Do you have any idea what would happen if I stopped watching your back?

Xavier LaFlamme:
Yeah. It'd be like before you came. I like that better.

Ronnie Hortense:
You feel the f***ing energy in this building? Make sure you take that f***ing energy onto the ice. Dougie, you're gonna shadow LaFlamme for the entire game. You, Gord, LaFlamme, you're starting. Boys! We're in this f***ing thing. Now let's play like we're supposed to be here!

Ross Rhea:
Don't go trying to be a hockey player.

Doug Glatt:
But I am a hockey player, sir.

Ross Rhea:
You're a f***ing goon.

Doug Glatt:
I'm here to do whatever they need me to do. You know, if they need me to bleed, then I'll bleed for my team.

Eva:
Nice one, Dougie! 69! Doug! 69! Yeah!

Ronnie Hortense:
Yeah, you've done it before you p*ssy. And I know you f*** your players. Don't deny it!

Eva:
I did it. I broke up with him.

Doug Glatt:
Holy sh*t.

Eva:
I don't even know what the f*** I'm...

Doug Glatt:
Hey, come on. From what I saw from him he seemed like a really nice guy.

Eva:
I'm just not in love with him.

Doug Glatt:
You're not?

Eva:
No. You. You make me want to stop sleeping with a bunch of guys.

Doug Glatt:
That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

Eva:
I'm here. I'm proud of you. I'm thinking of you.

Ryan:
[to Eva] Did you fall off a toilet paper roll? Do you pee rainbows? Do you fart cinnamon?

Ira:
Don't ruin this for Doug, man.

Ryan:
Does a rainbow come out of your nipples?

Eva:
I can't really talk right now. That's why I was texting you.

Doug Glatt:
I'm sorry. I'm such a moron. So you saw my headbutt, huh?

Eva:
[whispering] Yeah, you f***ed him up.

Doug Glatt:
Are you at the library?

Eva:
No, um. My boyfriend got home a few days ago.

Doug Glatt:
Why did you text me then?

Eva:
I dig talking to you. And now I'm thinking about you. And sometimes I sleep with that Angus the Highlander doll.

Doug Glatt:
There's nothing weird about that. It's official.

Eva:
Yeah, Doug. I know. F***. I'm a bad girlfriend, Doug.

Doug Glatt:
Well, I mean, all we did was make out.

Eva:
I'm a slut, Doug. I'm horny a lot. I sleep around. That doesn't bother you?

Doug Glatt:
The truth is, I just... I have a really huge crush on you.

Eva:
I gotta go, Doug.

Ryan:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is actually f***ing happening. Dougie "The Thug" Glatt is about to f***ing drop the gloves and take on Ross "The Boss" Rhea. This has all the elements of a f***ing sports masterpiece. Holy f***! We've got the worried lady friend's face frozen with concern. We got the gay brother. Yup! And the loveable, wisecracking best friend. Orangetown, son! P*ssy crew, album dropping. Oh f***, here we go!

Ross Rhea:
[points at referee who is just about to hand out a penalty to him] Don't you f***ing dare!