Green Wing

Dr. Macartney:
I see a chocolate Phil Collins popping out of a cuckoo clock every hour to tidy up his Nazi gold.

Dr. Macartney:
Say it with me, say it with me, funk-eh.

Dr. Martin Dear:
Funk-ee!

Dr. Macartney:
Funk-eh!

Dr. Martin Dear:
Funk-ee!

Dr. Macartney:
No, funk-eh!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[scary voice] Funkehh!

Dr. Alan Statham:
[hanging in Joanna's office in a hangmansnoose] Help!

[no reaction]

Dr. Alan Statham:
I need a wee!

Dr. Macartney:
Join me again next week on this episode of "Let's make no f***ing sense" when I will be waxing an owl.

Sue White:
Yes?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I haven't asked the question yet.

Sue White:
Yes.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Is the answer?

Sue White:
What?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Is yes the answer?

Sue White:
Is the question.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
But is yes the answer? Take a gamble.

Sue White:
I don't know, is it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Take a gamble.

Sue White:
No.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
No is the answer?

Sue White:
No is the answer. Yes is never the answer.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
So no is the answer?

Sue White:
No is the answer.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
So if I were to say, are you going to ever have sex with any other man apart from me, then your answer is no?

Sue White:
Do you want to have sex with me? I mean, do you want to just have, do you want to just f*** me now? Do you wanna do that? Do you wanna just get your cock out and f*** me now? How about that, yeah? Shall we, here... on the table? Yeah, how about whopping it up my ass, what about that Mr. Secretan? Not Doctor... but Mister. Yeah? One above Doctor, how about that yeah? Mr. Secretan whopping up the staff liaison's ass.

[pause]

Sue White:
So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that, 'kay?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Not sure I can stand up.

Sue White:
No? Well I'll leave for a few moments, shall I?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
OK. Shut the door.

Sue White:
OK.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[to Sue White] Do you know what I like about you? [pause] F*** all. [leaves]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I could happily kill everyone with a baseball cap.

Dr. Macartney:
One baseball cap?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Do you want me to report you for that earring?

Dr. Macartney:
Only if I can report you for the moustache.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Most females find body piercing repugnant. Luckily, I am still intact.

Dr. Macartney:
Yes, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes. [leaves]

Dr. Alan Statham:
Exactly! [realizes insult]

Dr. Angela Hunter:
Banter?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Yes.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Did you just throw your breast at me?

Sue White:
No. Do you want me to?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
No.

Sue White:
[sitting at her desk, she has put a fan in front of her so that her hair flows freely in the wind. Throughout the conversation she wriggles around on her desk seductively]

Dr. Macartney:
It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse and another key member of my team to go off at the same time, you know - together!

Sue White:
Key member of the team? - no. Scatterbrain floozy? yes!

Dr. Macartney:
Okay, I don't want to be without the scatterbrain floozy and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time.

Sue White:
Well, there is more than adequate cover.

Dr. Macartney:
I don't think there is.

Sue White:
Guy is far from irreplaceable, now that is something you've always said.

Dr. Macartney:
Yes, I've always said that - very happy to have him out of my sight.

Sue White:
And, you managed fine before the scatterbrain floozy arrived.

Dr. Macartney:
Did I?

Sue White:
Yeah!

Dr. Macartney:
Yes, I suppose I did, yes.

Sue White:
So what's the problem?

Dr. Macartney:
I don't want them to be off - both at the same time! I don't!

Sue White:
Why?

Dr. Macartney:
Just because.

Sue White:
Because why?

Dr. Macartney:
Because... because guy is a wanker!

Sue White:
Yeah, well, I actually, you know I don't draw up the rosters.

Dr. Macartney:
Sorry, are y?u on my side here, or not...?

Sue White:
Dr Macartney, Dr Macartney, yes, I'm always on your side, you know I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm *under* your side... I'm all over your side.

Dr. Macartney:
Okay, that's time for me to go now, okay. [leaves]

Sue White:
I can do headstands! Now, would you like to see that? Would you...? The...? Would you like to see that? [she stands up, pulls up her skirt and fans her crotch] Ohhhh...

[Dr Secretan comes into Sue's office with a small boy under his arm]

Sue White:
What's this?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
It's a kid. Um, what do they eat?

Sue White:
Is it lost?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
No. I borrowed it from someone because I'm trying to pull and apparently women love it. [pause] Is it doing anything for me?

Sue White:
No.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[he puts the child down on Sue's desk] Here, you have it. [he leaves]

Sue White:
[looks at the child less than enthusiastic] Er, hello.

toddler:
Hello.

Sue White:
Hello. Umm... do you, do you want one of these? [she pulls a lolly out of a drawer]

toddler:
Yes, please. [holds out a hand towards the lolly]

Sue White:
[pulls the lolly away] Well, you can't have it.

Sue White:
Oh, God, you know, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac, I know this is boring. Bloody computer virus has wiped off half your record. So, still single, I see, and no-one can understand it! Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me.

Dr. Macartney:
Aha.

Sue White:
[types something into her computer very quickly] God, I want you. Not just sexually, in every way. [fast typing] I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep, [typing] run my hand over your back and edge forward into regions knowing that my hand could make you feel like no other could. [more typing] Mobile phone number?

Dr. Macartney:
07956, actually, I'm between...

Sue White:
Thighs?

Dr. Macartney:
...networks.

Sue White:
Okay. [typing] And, um... Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth. [typing] House number?

Dr. Macartney:
21.

Sue White:
That's it! That's all we were missing. All righty. Well, you know, you're free to go. See you at the slave auction.

Dr. Macartney:
Yes.

Sue White:
[whispering] I have an unlimited budget!

[Sue has bought Guy at the slave auction since Mac wasn't available]

Sue White:
Right, now, you are my slave and I can make you do anything I want you to, Dr Secretan.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yeah, within reason.

Sue White:
Well, not necessarily. [she pulls a red curly wig out of her bag] Right, for instance, pop this on.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
What?

Sue White:
Go on, slave, pop that on!

[Guy puts the wig on reluctantly]

Sue White:
Oohh, good, just, er, you know, suck your cheeks in.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Why?

Sue White:
Just do it! Just pretend you've got cheekbones.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Right, okay... [he does as he is told]

Sue White:
And say "Hello, Sue".

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Hello, Sue.

Sue White:
[she moans]..."I'm Dr McCartney"...

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I'm Dr... ahhhhh. Oh, I'm not saying it, oh, for God's sake!

Sue White:
Yeah, touch my bottom! Touch! Touch it!

[Guy grabs it reluctantly]

Sue White:
Haaaahhhh, ahhoh, hihhihi...! [she giggles girlishly]

Sue White:
Well, let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? Shall we? It's nice, isn't it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Oh, it's great.

Sue White:
Nice showroom, this, isnt it? Not too busy for a Saturday? Like this one? Shall we? Shall we buy it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yes, let's buy it, darling.

Sue White:
Oooohhh, okay!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I could see my white puny body draped across it. I can see my ginger pubes collecting in the cracks.

Sue White:
Can you? Oh stop it! Ohhh, in my crack! Collecting in my crack! Oh, lovely! Oooooohhh, you lovely thing!

Sue White:
Dr Secretan... are you ok?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[sobbing] Don't touch me.

Sue White:
And you're hiding in the coats because?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I feel safe here... It reminds me of...

Sue White:
Being locked up when you were a boarding school boy for being caught tampering with your down belows?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yep... No! I just wanted some space - would you just go away?

Sue White:
No. Now what's the problem? I'm here to help, to listen, to soothe.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
My mother's womb is no more.

Sue White:
Oh, dear. Hysterectomy?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
No, she died when I was very young. Left me motherless and now my life is just a shambles without her and it's getting worse... I mean, look at my eyes

Sue White:
There's nothing wrong with your eyes... you have very nice eyes. If a little on the pokey side.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Don't be nice to me!

Sue White:
Oh, all right! Pull yourself together you cretinous F***wit! What sort of a man hides in other people's coats? Rocking and whinging to themselves? I'll tell you what sort of a man... a self centered, egotistical wankbot. Now unhook yourself... and stop being so weak. Men don't cry. They are strong hunter-gatherers! So go hunt, go gather and be a total *c*nt* because that's what you do best!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[shouts] F*** you! You ugly b*tch... Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?

Sue White:
Well, I am tempted because I'm all fired up. But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
[at Caroline's housewarming party. Caroline is standing in the doorway saying goodbye to some people. Sue White jumps up to her] Bye, bye, um, thanks for coming. Oh, oh, you were here...? Well, thank you for coming.

Sue White:
[she leans in and speaks to Caroline's breasts] Thank you, Dr Trodd, for inviting me to your party...

Dr. Caroline Todd:
I didn't know I did, but you were here and now you're going so that's all that matters.

Sue White:
[leans in and kisses her passionately]

Dr. Caroline Todd:
I've been sick.

Sue White:
[with her hands on her own breasts] Well, so have I. And I am completely shaved! [panting]

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Oh, God. Oh, God.

Sue White:
Bye-bye then. I'll see you at work, okay? [sings and skips away]

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Please can I have a quick word?

Dr. Macartney:
Zoom. Whoosh. There's two for you. [walks off]

[Boyce has taken Dr Statham to a restaurant after having bought him at the slave auction]

Dr. Alan Statham:
Joanna brought me here once... to discuss hospital employment policy. Surreptitiously however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
I don't think I like your tone tonight, Martin.

Dr. Martin Dear:
[looks in other direction] F*** off.

Joanna Clore:
And I suppose radiology is proper medicine then, is it?

Dr. Alan Statham:
I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer. [pause] Yes, it bloody is!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Kissing in the toilet?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Yes... who sang Kissing In The Toilets in 1978?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Er... was it a young Geroge Michael?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Yes. [leaves]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
F***ing hell, that was a guess! [sings] Kissing in the toilet - don't flush, it's lush...

Dr. Martin Dear:
No, actually, it's a note and it's quite hard.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Suicide note?

Dr. Martin Dear:
No.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Shame.

Dr. Angela Hunter:
Martin's got his result.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Is it terminal?

Dr. Macartney:
Well?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Well what, you scrawny poof?

[Mac pushes Guy's head into a bowl of cornflakes]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[through cornflakes] You're not a poof! You're not a poof!

[Mac pulls Guy's head up again]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
You're not a poof!

Dr. Macartney:
And?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
And - you are a poof!

[Mac empties the bowl over Guy's head]

Dr. Macartney:
[bangs Guy's head against lockers] Say it!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Je suis desole...

Dr. Macartney:
[bangs Guy's head] In English!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Martin I'm s... I'm s... I'm s... sorry I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't.

[Martin pulls Guy's lip]

Dr. Macartney:
Now hug.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan, Dr. Martin Dear:
What?

Dr. Macartney:
I said hug. [there is no reaction] F***ING HUG!

[Guy and Martin hug very awkwardly but break apart when Mac walks away. He turns back]

Dr. Macartney:
I said hug!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.

Dr. Macartney:
That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.

Dr. Macartney:
Can I go and cut people up now?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Yes.

Dr. Macartney:
Excellent!

Boyce:
[to Alan] You can't make me laugh... by poking me.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
That's how I remembered your name when I first met you.

Dr. Macartney:
What?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Massively annoying chap.

Dr. Macartney:
Massively annoying chap?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yeah. Mac. I was going to say Massively Annoying... [scene cuts]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Oh, what are you scared about Marty?

Dr. Martin Dear:
Oh, er, well, er, failing my exams again and everyone I know realising what a loser I am and always will be, and losing any self-esteem that I ever had, and hating myself and being myself for the rest of my life.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Fair enough.

Dr. Martin Dear:
Still, I suppose everyone feels like that about exams, don't they?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Er, no. Not me.

Dr. Martin Dear:
Why not?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Ooh, let me see. Is it because exams are easy peasy lemon squeezy or I'm brilliant? It's both! See, the Secretans have never been a home to self-doubt, I have no idea what you're feeling.

Dr. Martin Dear:
Well, it's bloody horrible.

[Martin puts on his doctor's coat. A tiger tail is pinned to the back. Guy notices]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Erm, Martin.

Dr. Martin Dear:
What?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Nothing.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
How was the interview?

Dr. Macartney:
Not sure... think I might have used the words 'job', 'stick', 'up' and 'arse' all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Well I... I think tone of voice is very important.

Dr. Macartney:
Is it, is it? Damn. Sh*t. Excuse me, I have some patients to see.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yes, I've died and gone to heaven, females are fighting over their pants. They're going to rip each other's clothes off!

Boyce:
I'm getting a semi.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Semi? What's wrong with you boy, I'm like a flagpole!

Dr. Macartney:
The smell of her perfume mingling with her skin, her bodily fluids, her shampoo... which all come together to make...

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
A dirty minging woman, trust the bloody French to make it sound romantic.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Aha! Where have you been, aren't you supposed to be back in theatre and I've been looking for you.

Dr. Macartney:
Here, no, and well done, you've found me. It's your turn to hide.

Dr. Macartney:
I'm assuming you've taken painkillers?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
I want something stronger. I want the stuff you use... to kill people.

Dr. Macartney:
Nope, saving all that for Guy.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich.

Joanna Clore:
God, you've changed your tune.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Yes, I march to a different tune. [sings] La la la la la la-la-laaa, la la la la...

Dr. Caroline Todd:
I do like him.

Sue White:
I see.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
In a non-professional way.

Sue White:
Ah.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
And I work with him every day so...

[Sue makes strange gagging noises]

Dr. Caroline Todd:
What?

Sue White:
Nothing. It's - er - you work with him every day?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Yeah.

Sue White:
Guy?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
No.

Sue White:
The other one?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Yeah.

Sue White:
[close to tears] The - er - the one with the lion's mane?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
I - w - yeah.

Sue White:
I see. Well, Dr Trod, maybe you've had your chance with him. Maybe it's too late. Maybe someone else deserves to take priority. Maybe you should just STAY AWAY or pay the price. Mmm, mmm? Now maybe you should think about that. You've been warned, lady.

Dr. Martin Dear:
It is for a good cause.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I don't do good causes, OK? A charity shag maybe, but certainly not to raise f***ing money for medical equipment.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[in operating theatre] What? Does it say no smoking? [bad Geordie accent] Does it say no smoking? Which way to the dole office? Do you know I'm unemployed and I have a mullet?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Buggering wank!

Dr. Macartney:
No, no, don't tell me the Swiss water polo team lost again!

Sue White:
This is Dr Macartney.

Dr. Macartney:
Hi - Mac, call me Mac, hi.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Any relation to...

Dr. Macartney:
Ringo Starr? No, actually, but impeccable timing because we're short a pair of hands down on a routine hernia operation.

Dr. Macartney:
You know what you need? You need a system. Like I used mnemonics when I was revising.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yeah, me too. Take the bones of the head, alright...

[points to parts of his head as he names the bones]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal.

Dr. Martin Dear:
Jesus, how did you remember that?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I just took a simple everyday phrase where the words begin with the same letters as the bones.

Dr. Macartney:
Go on then, what is it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Foreign politicians often zing stereotypical tunes, mayday, mayday, Venezuela, neck.

Dr. Macartney:
Martin, Martin, see this - is that your signiture?

Dr. Martin Dear:
Yeah, it is, yeah.

Dr. Macartney:
Yeah, can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. Does look a little bit insensitive.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
You - are a *gingre*.

Dr. Macartney:
I am a *fraise-blonde*.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Do you think you could kill somebody out of work?

Dr. Macartney:
What, kill an unemployed person?

Dr. Martin Dear:
She's my smoo too!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
She's your smoo? And my smoo!

Dr. Martin Dear:
What are we going to do?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Erm... you may be thinking that I am comparing my penis to that of a corpse. [looks shifty and wanders away]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night... blew a monkey on a dog.

Dr. Macartney:
Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
No, a monkey, it's fifty sheets.

Terry:
Five hundred.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Really? So what's a pony?

Dr. Macartney:
It's kind of a small horse...

Dr. Martin Dear:
You know, I've never really even touched anyone that attractive.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Well, I don't mind you touching my arm if you want.

Dr. Martin Dear:
Oh, it's not quite the same is it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[on Martin's new party outfit] Oh look, it's the love child of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla. What are you, the eighth dwarf, Twatty? You know, even if you were from the future you'd still be wrong. Actually do you know what I like about this outfit? F*** all. [sucks the spikes on his shoulders]

Dr. Macartney:
I'm sorry, was that a comeback? Not that I heard it or anything, I was about twenty yards down the corridor...

Dr. Martin Dear:
The patients don't like me.

Sue White:
I see. Anything else?

Dr. Macartney:
So tell me, why are you wearing a blouse?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
What?

Dr. Macartney:
It's a blouse, isn't it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
F*** off, it's designer.

Dr. Macartney:
What, Laura Ashley?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Go away.

Dr. Macartney:
Shan't.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
I am such a tit.

Dr. Macartney:
Yep. Yep.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
You don't have to agree with me.

Dr. Macartney:
I was just being polite.

Dr. Macartney:
[into phone] He had sex with his mother.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Don't tell them that!

Dr. Macartney:
Why not?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Jesus, what's wrong with you?

Dr. Macartney:
Why not, it's not a crime!

[listens into phone]

Dr. Macartney:
Oh, it is? Wow. Apparently you can get up to seven years...

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
This is you talking someone out of a suicidal depression?

Dr. Martin Dear:
I'm not your slave!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
You've been misinformed.

Joanna Clore:
[on Mac's hair] Well, at least I don't look like a girl.

Dr. Macartney:
Ah, touche, touche...

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Oi, I made up a song, it goes - [sings] who's the man? Who's the man? Is Guy the man? Yes yes I am!

[Guy has let slip that he was a bridesmaid at the age of five]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
It was a turn of phrase!

Dr. Macartney:
Turn of gender?

Joanna Clore:
[on answering machine] It's over, Alan. Don't contact me. You will never feel my super-vagina again.

Dr. Alan Statham:
I, I, I wish people would leave a name!

[Guy is explaining the rules of "guyball"]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Now remember, don't leave the parish, if you get to the maison, put your hand up and shout, "Maison!"

Dr. Macartney:
Maison!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
There are no hedgehogs, and no burrowing tactics. I won the toss, so sticklers are random. Have you got that?

Dr. Martin Dear:
No, not really.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Good. Go!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I feel safe here. It reminds me of...

Sue White:
Being locked away as a boarding-school boy for tampering with your down-belows?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yep... No!

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Boyce, you're friends with Mac and Guy. Who's the biggest scumbag?

Boyce:
Guy. Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Guy? Why Guy?

Boyce:
He once ethically objected to resuscitating a woman with an A-cup.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
An egg cup?

Boyce:
No, an A-cup, small puppies. He said it wasn't worth saving less than a handful.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Dear God!

Joanna Clore:
What kind of masked kidnapper are you?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Well, one who is loath to contravene local bye-laws, actually.

Dr. Martin Dear:
Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you'd sleep with?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Nope.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[holding a keyboard singing] Mackenzie, gonna get the finger, cos his daddy, so freaky ginger.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Here's to goats with hooves! May they never fall off the mountain and break their spindly legs!

Dr. Caroline Todd:
[Final advice to a school tour] Don't get ill. We make you very sleepy and do terrible things to you.

Neurosurgeon:
Mac, you've been in the business for a while, what would you say is the worst thing about this job?

Dr. Macartney:
The worst thing, I would say, is the white coats because they make me look quite pale.

Neurosurgeon:
Seriously.

Dr. Macartney:
Seriously? The bureaucracy.

Neurosurgeon:
No.

Dr. Macartney:
The lack of adequate funding?

Neurosurgeon:
No, I'm thinking of something more patient-oriented.

Dr. Macartney:
Got it, smelly patients.

Dr. Macartney:
[ribbing Guy over going to a boarding school] Yes, go on, you don't want to miss Double Latin. And I think Pongo is going to bring some tuck up to the dorm!

Sue White:
So, any questions?

Kid on School Tour:
Can we see the morgue?

Sue White:
No.

Joanna Clore:
I know you can't be a complete idiot or they wouldn't let you work here.

Dr. Alan Statham:
...I'm glad you're on my side.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Foreign Politicians often zing stereotypical tunes. Mayday! Mayday! Venezuela neck.

Dr. Martin Dear:
[Joanna doesn't want anyone knowing he's her son] I love you and I always have!

Harriet Schulenburg:
[Just entering] I'm sorry is this a bad time?

Joanna Clore:
No, Dr. Dear was just telling me something a patient said to him today. A psychiatric patient, obviously.

Harriet Schulenburg:
I'm not! It's negative! Booze! [They break out booze for her. Suddenly Joanna starts screaming in her office]

Dr. Alan Statham:
I've got to go and sort out some lymphocytes, but I'll be back soon.

Chaplain:
How soon?

Dr. Alan Statham:
About twenty minutes?

Chaplain:
Are you sure you're getting enough work done?

Dr. Alan Statham:
[grasps her hand] We have fatter fish to fry!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[In the operating theatre. Martin has failed his exams again] Maybe he's not cut out to be a Doctor. Maybe he's cut out to be a nurse, I mean they can be as thick as pigshit! [a kidney-bowl flies right into his face with a loud clang] Ow!

Support Nurse:
Sorry!

Dr. Caroline Todd:
But what if you were being chased by the hounds, and you knew you had cubs that needed you back at the den?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Well, I'd just move on, find another Supervixen and start again.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Yes, I think you would, wouldn't you? Shall we get going, then?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yeah, but that was all hypothetical. Anyway I'm going back for them.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Oh, it's too late for that. The hounds tore them all to shreds!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
NO! NO! My cubs! My cubs! Dead! How could this happen! AHHH!

Sign:
East Hampton Hospital Trust.

Dr. Macartney:
I'm sure at your last Hospital they all found your personal life fascinating. Do your job. There are enough sitcoms set in Hospitals, don't you think?

Dr. Macartney:
[Guy has drunkenly stolen an ambulance. Mac is on the phone to the police] He's definitely becoming more rational. It's just that he had a shock recently. He had sex with his Mother.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Don't tell them that!

Dr. Macartney:
[to Guy] Why, it's not a crime. [Listens to the phone] Oh, it is! Apparently you can get seven years.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
This is you trying to talk someone out of a suicidal depression, is it?

Dr. Macartney:
I'm just giving them the mitigating circumstances for joyriding.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Joyriding! Does it look like I'm enjoying it?

Harriet Schulenburg:
No!

Dr. Alan Statham:
No, of course not. Who'd want me? I look like a broom! And who'd want to go out with a broom?

Harriet Schulenburg:
A dustpan?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Yes, and where would one find a maritally unfettered dustpan?

Harriet Schulenburg:
Well, my husband found me at evening classes.

Poetry Group Leader:
You don't have to rush at it, Alan. Just let what Linda has said penetrate our souls.

Dr. Alan Statham:
...Right! Penetrated. [Takes the chair, unfolds his poem] "Carrier Pigeon". Carrier Pigeon... Carrier Pigeon... Carrier... of disease! OH! Gnarled claw... disease eating away at your very being... "Look out! A car!" "I can't fly, my wing's damaged." Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep... Let it penetrate.

Jake:
[in the Occupational Therapy Suite] Okay, Joanna, now we're a bit more relaxed, I'd like to try something.

Joanna Clore:
Well, hurry up, I do have an office to run.

Jake:
Right, well, what I want you to do is imagine that all the recent unpleasantness is held in a little box deep inside.

Joanna Clore:
Ah, yes, nice little box.

Jake:
No, well, we have to deal with things. So, on the count of three, I want you to open the box and deal with what's inside. One... two...

Joanna Clore:
AHH! AHHH! AHHHH!

Jake:
No, well...

Joanna Clore:
AHH!

Jake:
Okay, close the box.

Joanna Clore:
AHHH!

Jake:
Close the box.

Joanna Clore:
AHHH!

Jake:
CLOSE THE BOX! No, you don't want that. Let's just try to relax...

Dr. Macartney:
I happen to know that more people come out of that room alive than dead. There are people employed to keep track of those numbers.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Will you desist!

Dr. Alan Statham:
You bloody bastards!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[Martin has failed his exams, and Secretan is mercy-killing him with an arcade game's gun] I'll shoot him in the brains when I find them!

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Will you please stop eating the patient?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Welcome to the lunatic asylum!

Dr. Caroline Todd:
What, "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps"?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Well, I don't know about that, although the Trust is an Equal Opportunities Employer so some of the Secretarial Staff might be a bit... [twirls a finger by his head]

Joanna Clore:
[bored of him] Oh, God! [Drags Carol away]

Sue White:
I will answer you, but only in the language of the Crow.

Joanna Clore:
[bursts in on Statham beating a Green Dwarf to death with a stuffed Heron] What are you doing?

Dr. Alan Statham:
It's all right! He's not real!

Box File Label:
Infection Control: Policies and Records.

Harriet Schulenburg:
[Making party invitations for her son] Can you make the words pink?

Lyndon Jones:
For a boy?

Harriet Schulenburg:
He's gay.

Kim Alabaster:
Why are you hiding under your desk?

Karen Ball:
I thought I saw a Clanger!

Kim Alabaster:
[hides too]

Naughty Rachel:
Poop-poop poop poop poop!

Dr. Martin Dear:
[he's handed a CD with cocaine lines on it at the party. He turns it over, and the other guy lunges to the carpet] That's a good band!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[critiques Martin's wine at the party] Pure tramp juice! I know, you were standing in the offy saying "I know I should bring a Chablis but it's only a party". Vin du Pays for what you get and what you get is shite!

Boyce:
[Martin has swallowed Karen's cellphone to stop her getting an "it's over" voicemail he didn't really mean] Don't worry, Martin, it'll go straight through you. Like sweetcorn!

Sue White:
Leave me now, I want to rest my scary eyes.

Boyce:
Guy, Mac's awake. He's come out of his coma, Guy.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
That's great, if he's out of his coma, then I haven't murdered anybody!

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Do you want to come round my gaff?

Dr. Macartney:
Ooh, sounds rude.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
It's not rude.

Dr. Macartney:
I'm not coming if it's not rude.

Dr. Angela Hunter:
Aw, look at your nose! Little iddy-biddy button nose! Beep beep!

Angela's Boyfriend:
More kisses!

Dr. Angela Hunter:
Aw, kiss kiss kiss! Little button nose with a cute kink in it. You could get that taken out easily, only cost a grand.

Sue White:
She's not good enough for you, Mac! She'll never be good enough for you! She doesn't have a Fanny!

Angela's Boyfriend:
[Angela and Carol are brushing their hair, about to go to work] I've got Bowel Cancer!

Dr. Angela Hunter:
Okay, let's have a look! [Goes away with him. She comes back to the mirror] It was cherry tomatoes.

Jake:
[Carol's killed his vintage Tamagotchi] Just one second! [turns away and quietly screams] Right, I'm going to have a second glass of that lovely wine!

Dr. Alan Statham:
[Joanna's dumped him and he's beating his fist on the Chapel Altar]

Chaplain:
Are you alright?

Dr. Alan Statham:
[startled] Oh my f***sie! No, well, you know. God's a Sod! She's gone and that's all there is to it.

Chaplain:
I'm so sorry. Did she suffer?

Joanna Clore:
[dragging the bagged dwarf to the incinerator] Maybe you shouldn't kill dwarfs with Herons!

Dr. Alan Statham:
Maybe you shouldn't hide dwarfs under people's desks!

Dr. Alan Statham:
I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Joanna Clore:
I think I am too.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Everything's gone Dwarf!

Sue White:
[kissing the doll] Live, damn you! Live!

Ventriloquist's Dummy:
F*** off back to Dr. MacCartney.

Sue White:
I know. I just don't know what to do about that Holly.

Ventriloquist's Dummy:
Destroy her!

Sue White:
How?

Ventriloquist's Dummy:
Leave it to me!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
You should be with someone... less nice!

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Go away and think about how little sense that makes.

Dr. Alan Statham:
[panic attack] Boyce, kiss me! Give me the kiss of life!

Boyce:
No way! You're still breathing.

Dr. Alan Statham:
You must revive me with the breath of your body.

Boyce:
Oh, God. Okay. [passionately revives Dr. Statham]

Dr. Alan Statham:
What have you been eating?

Boyce:
Kim.

Karen Ball:
[online game] I don't want to be in Slytherin!

Naughty Rachel:
You can't go back. The decision of the Sorting Hat is always final!

Karen Ball:
[runs off crying]

Kim Alabaster:
[starts after her]

Naughty Rachel:
No! Careful! It might be a Slytherin trick...

Boyce:
[dressed as a nurse] Well, Dr. Statham, I'd quite like to see you after work.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Ah, I don't know about that.

Boyce:
C'mon give me a hug. [hugs him]

Dr. Alan Statham:
Let go.

Boyce:
No, I don't want to.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Let go.

Boyce:
I will if you say yes.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Okay, yes.

Boyce:
Okay. Swing by the Tandoori Palace around seven.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Oh, I can swing with the best of them, don't you worry about that!

Dr. Macartney:
[Comic Relief segment] Comic Relief, what an opportunity for those of us in the caring community to prove that we really do actually care... but in a wider context.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Your urine seems to be fluorescent.

Joanna Clore:
[Carol's first day] Did you say you were Asian? It would really help out my End of Year quotas.

Jake:
[Carol's dumped him] Well, you did that very well, thank you.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Oh, no, don't be so nice. At least get angry or shout or something.

Jake:
No, I'm not going to get angry and shout about BEING STRUNG ALONG BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW THEIR OWN MIND, WHO EVERYONE CAN SEE WHO SHE SHOULD BE WITH BUT HER because shouting never really solves anything, does it?

Dr. Alan Statham:
[sitting in his office. A Silver UFO flies in and calls him a Homosexual]

Dr. Alan Statham:
[Carol has a bandage from Mac knocking her out] Ah, I see you're in on Boyce's little joke! [taps her forehead]

Dr. Caroline Todd:
OW!

Dr. Alan Statham:
Oh, I'm not as green as people who were born yesterday.

Sue White:
A HAAAAAANDBAG? Sorry, I've just always wanted to say that.

Dr. Alan Statham:
A is for Appendectomy, B is for Barium, C is for Cystitis, Defibrillates for D...

Dr. Angela Hunter:
It's making those split-second decisions, and getting it right, that does it for me.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
[hit on the head] I know I keep saying this, but I'll never drink again.

Graffiti on Guy's Locker:
Sex God.

Sue White:
[Slave Auction Date] Oh pleasure your body as well as your mind you poor man!

Lyndon Jones:
Rather not.

Sue White:
Why?

Lyndon Jones:
Because you're disturbing, tedious and desperate! Sorry, but that's just the way it is. Let's forget this ever happened. [gets in a taxi. She follows him in]

Sue White:
I don't mind swallowing!

Lyndon Jones:
[he jumps out the other side and runs for it]

Neurosurgeon:
[walking down a corridor. He starts trotting like a pony]

Dr. Martin Dear:
I've just pulled!

Boyce:
Really, who?

Dr. Martin Dear:
[talking like a stud] Oh, a bit of office totty.

Director:
She is wasted, here!

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Yes, all those vodka shots first thing in the morning.

Director:
It's so rare you find someone like that. Face, yes. Voice, yes. Body, yes.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Yes, so rare to find someone with all three!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
So, are you sure you understand the spoooon of destiny?

Dr. Macartney:
I do understand the spoooon of destiny.

Dr. Alan Statham:
All hail, thou Nursey Nymphet! Be mine!

Dr. Angela Hunter:
What did you do before Alcohol became the centre of your life?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Homework.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
I always thought those kinds of schools were so cruel. You think of these poor kids left in front of those large, cold Victorian buildings with all their luggage, crying.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
That's rubbish because... my school was Edwardian.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
They don't know anyone, they don't know where they're supposed to go. What kind of parents would do that to their child?

Dr. Macartney:
Guy's.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Confiscatio!

Dr. Alan Statham:
Confiscatio Secundum Tempore!

Boyce:
Mine says "Lowers sperm count" what does yours say?

Naughty Rachel:
"May cause miscarriage" [They swap cigarette packets and start smoking]

Dr. Alan Statham:
I need a new name badge. It's supposed to say "Dr Alan Statham Consultant Radiologist" but someone's blacked out the O, the N, the S, the L, the first T and the A of the word "Consultant"!

Sue White:
So now it says...?

Dr. Macartney:
[restraining order] Read it, memorise it, never come near me again.

Sue White:
BUT WHAT ABOOT THA WEE BAIRN?

Neurosurgeon:
[to self] Can't imagine why he'd want to forget you. Nightmare.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[Amnesty International's "Secret Policeman's Ball" 2006, to audience member] Did you go to a Comprehensive?

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Did you take a cat and a gun in to see Mac?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
It was a replica.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
A replica cat?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
A replica gun.

Boyce:
Can I have it back, please? My potty putty?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Well, I daresay you can. You're a big, strong boy and I've no doubt that if I were to give it back to you, I'm sure you could hold it and therefore have it in your possession.

Boyce:
May I have my potty putty back, please?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Thank you. [hands back] There you go, take your p-p-potty putty and go and do some growing up somewhere else!

Boyce:
Oh, er, by the way, Professor McMay does want to come to your lecture... Professor McMay from pedantics.

Dr. Alan Statham:
I don't know any Professor McMay.

Boyce:
Oh, sorry, did I get it wrong again? Sorry. Professor McCan from paediatrics.

Dr. Alan Statham:
Will you desist? He's a very important man, and you're not to play with his name. No - when is he coming? The Professor.

Boyce:
The, er, 21st of Can.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
That should not have been erotic.

Sue White:
Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question, the rest were rhetorical.

Dr. Martin Dear:
What's a fluffer?

Boyce:
Come on, I'll show you.

Dr. Angela Hunter:
I have a hypothetical question.

Sue White:
I have a holepunch, but let's not get bigheaded.

Dr. Martin Dear:
I have a video.

Sue White:
What is it, Thumbelina?

Dr. Martin Dear:
No! I gave that back.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
You've got the weirdest foreplay of any woman I know.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[giving mouth-to-mouth to a swan] He pulled out in front of me!

[Attempting badly to manouevre his car into the tightest parking space imaginable]

Dr. Alan Statham:
Bloody Metro! Get out of the way!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Am I interrupting anything?

Dr. Macartney:
Just the evolution of mankind.

Sue White:
What if I sniff your intoxicating trouser fragrance?

Dr. Macartney:
No, don't do that, because you sound like an inkjet printer.

Dr. Guillaume 'Guy' Valerie Secretan:
Go and have a wank in the cupboard. Go on, I won't tell anybody. Have a hand-shandy. Go on. [yells] Martin's having a wank in the cupboard!

Dr. Martin Dear:
I'm not. I'm not.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
[raised voice] Why would I want to get into Dame Judi Dench's pants?

Sue White:
This is the dead box.

Dr. Martin Dear:
What, these are the clothes of dead people?

Sue White:
Name hasn't fooled you then.

Dr. Alan Statham:
[Reading a text off Boyce's phone] Hello... Buc...?

Boyce:
Hello Boyce

Dr. Alan Statham:
Oh yes, hello Boyce, yes, oh you with a u, very clever, I want you to cmmm...

Boyce:
I want you to come...

Dr. Alan Statham:
Oh yes, I want you to come... on my ttttits...

[Statham looks disgusted and hands the phone back]

Boyce:
Quite forward isn't it? She's a primary school teacher!

Dr. Alan Statham:
[annoyed] A word with you, Mr Boyce!

[Alan is wearing a balaclava and pretending to kidnap Joanna]

Dr. Alan Statham:
Drive!

Joanna Clore:
I am!

Dr. Alan Statham:
Well keep doing so!

Joanna Clore:
Where?

Dr. Alan Statham:
Turn right, here. Did you indicate? Yes, into second...

Joanna Clore:
You sound like a driving instructor, now!

Dr. Alan Statham:
Shut up! I make the rules here!

Joanna Clore:
[mocking] Banging the dashboard with your clipboard

Dr. Alan Statham:
You shut up! I'm in charge. [fiddles with balaclava] Ohh, this is getting very itchy

Joanna Clore:
Yea, yea, leave it on

Dr. Alan Statham:
I'm your worst nightmare!

Joanna Clore:
Yea, the degree of menace is killing me

Dr. Alan Statham:
Could we have the heater off?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
[On Guy's League Table] It's Mac's.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
This... this is Dr. Macartney's?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
Yes, it is.

Dr. Caroline Todd:
Well... well you sh-shouldn't look like... a man who would have one of these. [She walks away]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan:
I may be many things, but not being indiscreet isn't one of them.

Lyndon Jones:
Because you're disturbing, tedious, and desperate!