Homestarrunner.com: Everything Else, Volume 1

[Homestar is advertising for Fluffy Puff Marshmallows]

Homestar Runner:
Before I drink a tall glass of melonade, I like to eat about 147 Fluffy Puff Marshmallows. Seriously, folks, they're the best.

[Strong Bad is interviewing Homestar to figure out what his "freakin' problem is"]

Strong Bad:
I've heard you enjoy prancing around like an idiot. Is this true?

[Homestar responds by prancing around and singing]

Homestar Runner:
[singing] La-dee-la-da-da-la-dee.

Strong Bad:
I suppose that answers my question.

Cheerleader:
It's our 10th issue-versary! Let's do a clip show!

So and So:
Let's have a wedding!

The Ugly One:
Let's have a baby!

What's Her Face:
Let's kill someone off!

Strong Bad:
[offscreen] Okay!

[everyone in the teen girl squad dies at once]

[the King of Peasantry is warning Rather Dashing against going after Trogdor, after he burninated his cottage]

The King of Peasantry:
We have coexisted with the Burninator in this land for centuries. I can't have you marching up there in your short pants upsetting the balance!

Rather Dashing:
I'll upset YOUR balance, milord!

The King of Peasantry:
Rather Dashing, you will not sass back at this council!

Cheerleader:
Okay, now let's start LOOKING GOOD!

So and So:
A'ight.

The Ugly One:
A'ight.

What's Her Face:
A'ight.

[a robot zaps So and So]

Cheerleader:
Kristen, you look burnt, or DEAD.

What's Her Face:
I miss Kristin-a.

[Strong Mad is heard trying to leave Marzipan a prank phone call on her answering machine]

Strong Mad:
Is your refrigerator running?

Strong Bad:
[in background] I already told you that one doesn't work on answering machines, man!

Strong Mad:
Is your refrigerator running?

Strong Bad:
[in background] They gotta be home to answer the phone! Stop trying to do the prank call, man!

Strong Mad:
Hello?

Strong Bad:
[in background] It doesn't work!

Strong Mad:
Hello? [He is heard banging the phone on the table until a dial tone is heard]

Bubs:
[talking to Coach Z about Marzipan over her answering machine] Hey, Coach! Tell her I said, "Hey!" No, no, just tell her I said, "Bananas!" Tell her I said, "A bluh-buncha bananas."

Little Girl:
[laughing] That sounds like funny.

Homestar Runner:
It sounds like funny, but it's not.

Strong Sad:
[when he sees Strong Bad kissing a piece of paper with The Ugly One on it] Uh, Strong Bad, were you just first-basin' it with that piece of loose leaf?

Homestar Runner:
Sweet mother of mystery! What's going on here?

Strong Bad:
Um... drinkin' drinks at the stick.

Homestar Runner:
But what about looking at a thing in some bags?

Strong Bad:
It escaped. Into the mountains.

Homestar Runner:
Aw, shucks. I never got to see it.

Bubs:
I thought you said you had!

Homestar Runner:
I lied. I was trying to be a cool guy.

Bubs:
Liar.

[Homestar and Strong Bad are in a blue space]

Strong Bad:
What're we doin' here? It's like we're in Blue Fadey Land or something.

Homestar Runner:
Ummm... maybe this is heaven. We're dead!

Strong Bad:
No, it can't be heaven. There's not enough Twinkies.

[Strong Bad is at a local comic book convention to criticize people's costumes]

Strong Bad:
Hey, loincloth, please to be putting on more clothes. Ugh... like five or six... more clothes... [cut] Oh, what's up, ironic costume? I suppose you think you're cooler than everyone here! Well, guess what: YOU'RE ALSO HERE. At the comic book convention. [cut] I never thought I'd see the day where a tattoo was a bad thing, but you madam, have shown me the light. [cut] Just for fun, I think I'm gonna start throwing boxes of gamertags at dudes wearin' kilts. [cut] The fact that your costume is accurate down to the tiniest detail does not change the fact that that TV show SUCKED. [cut] Man, if I see another person in a diaper... [cut] Oh, hello, Rotunda! Your physique certainly merits you wearing that leather bikini and fishnet hose.

[the standard closing line for the Teen Girl Squad toons]

Strong Bad:
[offscreen] It's over!

Homestar Runner:
Oh, hello, Marzipan, this is... Sugar-face.

[he then speaks in a lowered voice]

Homestar Runner:
Okay, now what?

Strong Bad:
Well, step three is to continue the prank in a direction determined by your identity, but, uh, you're on your own with Sugar-face.

Homestar Runner:
Okay.

[he then speaks louder]

Homestar Runner:
I am a pretend guy that... comes around... and...

[Homestar suddenly begins singing]

Homestar Runner:
...gets run over by a lawnmower blade!

Strong Bad:
What?

Homestar Runner:
I chose to end in song!

Strong Bad:
Oh boy. Remember how I said this is a six-week course?

Homestar Runner:
Yeah, I'm excited!

Strong Bad:
Well, it turns out it's cancelled.

Homestar Runner:
Aw, man!

Strong Bad:
Yeah, it's a shame.

Homestar Runner:
Oh, well. It's still the second-best five hundred bucks I ever spent!

Cheerleader:
That stupid wheelchair kid asked me to the Friday night dance, but I'm going with Steven!

[Eh! Steve runs up dressed as a quarterback]

Cheerleader:
Hey, Steven!

Eh! Steve:
Eh! Steve!

The Wheelchair:
I'll teach you to steal my date, Eh! Steve! I'm gonna come out of my shell at the Friday night dance and show everybody who's whoooo!

The Arrow'd Guy:
[transforms The Wheelchair into a more realistic wheelchair drawing] Good drawing'd!

The Wheelchair:
I'm a real boy!

Strong Bad:
It's over!

[Homestar has just finished watching the first Fluffy Puff Marshmallows commercial where Marshie is the spokesman]

Homestar Runner:
I hate that freakin' marshmallow.

Strong Sad:
Strong Bad's right. I'm a waste of space.

Strong Bad:
[in background] I said you were a waste of FAT space!

Strong Sad:
I'm gonna go buy some ah-NEE-may!

Strong Bad:
It's called Japanimation! Or at least it was last time I checked... which was 1987.

Homestar Runner:
What is up, my dog?

Strong Bad:
Oh, I'm not your dog.

Homestar Runner:
Rondleman, you crack me up. Crack... me... UP! That's why you're my D-O-G-E.

Strong Bad:
Your doge? What are you talking about? I'm Strong Bad! Rondleman works in Regional Shipping Management Resources.

Homestar Runner:
[laughing] Good one, Rondleman. I mean, good one, my dog.

Strong Sad:
[on Marzipan's answering machine] Oh, hey, Marzipan, guess-who-this-is-it's Strong Sad. I was just calling 'cause I figured you wouldn't be home, and I'd never done that thing, you know, where you call somebody and you're leaving a message on their machine, and then, while you're leaving the message, they pick up the phone and it's like: "Oh, hey! Hi! I was just leaving you a message, and, how're you doing?" and so... see, I never had that happen to me, so I thought I'd just call you and talk... talk to your machine 'til you got home... so that's what I'm gonna do. Hello? Hellooooo? Marzipan? Hello?

[Homestar enters the website, only to find an Internet Explorer "This page cannot be displayed" page]

Homestar Runner:
Um... Strong Bad? What's going on here? What happened to my website?

Strong Bad:
The system is down, yo.

Homestar Runner:
Oh, the system.

Strong Bad:
Yeah, I think too many people tried to log on. Uh... sorry about that.

Homestar Runner:
What are you sorry for? It's my website.

Strong Bad:
I don't think they're coming to see you, Homestar.

Homestar Runner:
What, you think everyone's logging on to watch "tape-leg"? Yeah, that's a good one.

Strong Bad:
Hey, shut up! The tape-leg is cool.

Homestar Runner:
Well, when do I get my website back?

Strong Bad:
Oh, any day now. We've got our top men working on it around the clock.

Bubs:
Well, I found the problem. Looks like somebody tried to cram-a-lam a Swiss Cake Roll into the disk drive.

Homestar Runner:
[glares at Strong Bad] Oh, really?

Strong Bad:
Uh, what are you looking at me for? I did...

[Strong Bad speaks nervous gibberish and runs off. An error message reading "This is real:
Everything is fine. Nothing is ruined." is taped to the screen]

Homestar Runner:
So, Bubs... what are you gonna do with that Swiss Cake Roll?

What's Her Face:
When you fall in a bottomless pit, you die of starvation.

[Strong Bad is at a third-quarter earnings meeting in an office. He stands before an audience to both his right and left sides]

Strong Bad:
Um, yes. Thank you, gentlemen. So, uh, how's everybody feeling out there?

[after a pause, Strong Bad leans to his right]

Strong Bad:
Lemme get all my shareholders on this side of the table to say, "Hey!"

[He then leans to his left]

Strong Bad:
And all my shareholders on this side of the table to say, "Ohhh!"

[a shareholder clears his throat and Strong Bad holds up a Post-it note]

Strong Bad:
So, lemme tell you about this Post-it note. Listen tightly. This thing's going to save the company millions!

Shareholder:
[deep, rumbling voice] What about the earnings?

Strong Bad:
Ooh, yes. Earnings. Uh... can I have the country of origin, please?

Shareholder:
What?

Strong Bad:
Uh, can you use that in a sentence?

Shareholder:
Where are the earnings?

Strong Bad:
Yes, earnings. E-A-R-N...

[He gets hit by a shoe and slumps over]

Strong Bad:
Ow!

Shareholder:
Is this the kind of man we hire these days? He's a total liability!

Homestar Runner:
[appearing beside shareholder] Yeah, liability. L-I-A-B-I...

[Homestar, too, gets hit by a shoe and he, too, slumps over]

[the Cheat has just shown Strong Bad and Homestar a music video version of his theme song]

The Cheat:
[questioning The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Um, I don't know, The Cheat. I didn't think it was very good. At all. I mean, the song was kinda catchy, but the visuals were lacking, at best.

Homestar Runner:
This is the best video game I ever played!

[Two programmers at Videlectrix are discussing the meaning of good graphics]

Programmer 1:
WHAT DID I SAY!

Programmer 2:
Good gr... To make good...

Programmer 1:
What did I tell you to do?

Programmer 2:
To make good graphics.

Programmer 1:
Good graphics! [He pounds his fist] I come to work and I have to look at THIS mess!

Programmer 2:
I can make good graphics!

Programmer 1:
I... You better make good graphics! I'm supposed to release a video computer game on TV without this graphic!

Programmer 2:
What?

Programmer 1:
You heard me!

[Even though What's Her Face had been crushed by a weight and The Ugly One by a sack of potatoes, they still learn that Cheerleader had been crushed and killed by a giant brain]

What's Her Face:
Cheerleader's gone.

What's Her Face, The Ugly One:
I'll be the NEW LEADER! [pause] Okay, fine. I'll be the follower! [Another pause] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What's Her Face:
We really are cool...

The Ugly One:
Shut up!

The Ugly One:
So who wants to come to my sweet someteen birthday bash tonight?

What's Her Face:
Is it going to be Nick-at-Nite themed again?

So and So:
I don't think I can stomach another show not on the WB.

Cheerleader:
No! We can't come. We have... the... Olympics... tonight!

The Ugly One:
Oh, 'cause it's a boy/girl party...

So and So, Cheerleader:
[in unison] A B'GRL PRTY?

What's Her Face:
Taking the vowels out of words doesn't ALWAYS make them cool.

So and So:
'm srry.

Strong Mad:
A glowy box. A glowy box!

Strong Bad:
A glowy box? Are you sure that's what you'd get for your tattoo?

Strong Mad:
It's personal!

The Cheat:
[the Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
I'd want mine to look like a prison tattoo that you carved out yourself with a spoon and some soap. There'd be a rocket launcher, of course, and above that it'd just say, "Bad Guy."

[Homestar comes up to Strong Bad and his posse, who have been talking about tattoos]

Homestar Runner:
Hey, guys! H'whatcha teekenbot?

Strong Bad:
We're talking about something cool and interesting. You wouldn't understand.

Homestar Runner:
Oh, tattoos, huh? I'd get one on my forearm that said, "The For Real Deal," and has a picture of me dressed up like Uncle Sam.

Strong Bad:
You'd get one on your forearm, huh?

Homestar Runner:
Or one on my bulging bicep that just says "Cake Man." Ooh, or a glowy box on my wrist.

Strong Bad:
[to The Cheat] I just don't have the heart to tell him.

Strong Mad:
You don't have ar...

[the lyrics for "Strong Bad is a Bad Guy"]

Singers:
Strong Bad is a bad guy, bad guy, bad guy / Strong Bad is a bad guy, bad guy, bad guy / Strong Bad is a bad, bad man / Strong Bad hates Marzipan / Strong Bad's got a master plan / To buy a custom conversion van / Strong Bad is a bad guy, bad guy, bad guy / Strong Bad is a bad guy, bad guy, bad guy / Marshie is a bad guy, bad guy, bad guy / Trogdor is a bad, bad guy!

Stinkoman:
[on Marzipan's answering machine] Hello? I think I have the wrong number. Your voice sounds like this is the wrong number. But just in case, can I interest you in a challenge? Or maybe some light fighting? [Stinkoman is heard charging up] If so, call me on my cell phone!

The Ugly One:
I have a crush on every boy!

[the Arrow'd Guy fires arrows from his mouth, impaling her]

The Arrow'd Guy:
ARROWED!

The Ugly One:
Ow! My skin!

Homestar Runner:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] So I just got this message you left for me on Pom Pom's cell phone telling me to go away and pick up sticks? [He sounds angry] Well, I say that is GARBAGE, sister! Having to put up with you is like... having to put up with GARBAGE! I don't know where you get off, but it's definitely not at the Homestar Station anymore. Looks like you're riding the 7:30 Alone train to Aloneville. Making stops at Ex-Girlfriend Junction and West BREAKIN' UP WITH YOU! Oh, and you can keep the collector's plates!

Strong Bad:
Give 'em the real scoop.

Little Girl:
[giggling] Scoop.

Strong Bad:
Yeah, the scoop.

[Little Girl slurps, makes chomping noises, and puts her hand to her mouth as if eating something]

Strong Bad:
What was that? Did you just eat a scoop?

Little Girl:
Yeah, like ice cream.

Strong Bad:
[mockingly] Like ice cream!

[an ad for Senor Cardgage Mort-gage is shown]

Announcer:
Are you having a problem buying a home or something? Fret no more.

Senor Cardgage:
Hi there, Belindas. I'm Senor Cardgage for Senor Cardgage Mort-gage. We can help you get a leg up on the pile! Low rates, percent signs... I dunno...

Announcer:
Bad credit?

Senor Cardgage:
No probalo! Home lawn, escrow, re-financin'... you name it, we've got it! Come along down for a free canceltation with one of our handsome talking experts. One o' them said they'd buy me lunch, but I don't see nobody taking me to Chick-fil-A.

[Little Girl plays with the Kick the Cheat doll]

Strong Bad:
Be careful with him. That's my only The Cheat. That I have.

[Little Girl throws The Cheat doll onto the ground. It makes frustrated-sounding squeals]

Strong Bad:
That doesn't count as being careful.

Homestar Runner:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Okay, so after a second listening under the tutelage of Pom Pom's keen ears, it appears that you were asking me to go to Richway and pick up some Hefty bags, not to go away and pick up sticks. And now that I think about it, I don't really know what that would have meant even if you had said that. So the best thing to do is to go back and not listen to that message, and then we've got nothing to worry about. Oh, wait, in fact... [He makes backwards sounding noises] Okay, there. I think I reversed it. [Pom Pom is heard bubbling] What? What do you mean that doesn't work? Oh, crap. [He races to Marzipan's house with a tape full of fake messages] All's I gotta do is switch out the tapes, and none will be the wiser.

[Homestar places the tape full of fake messages into the answering machine]

Homestar Runner:
[message greeting; doing a poor imitation of Marzipan] Oh, hey, this is Marzipan... and, um... leave a message after my beeps. Beep.

Homestar Runner:
[message four; doing a poor imitation of Strong Bad] Oh, hey, Marzipan, this is Strong Bad. Um, go around... go around with doo-doo on your head... 'cause it'd be funny. Okay, bye. Beep.

Homestar Runner:
[message three; doing a poor imitation of Coach Z without the accent] Hey there, Marzipan. This is Coach Z. I was just wonderin' why you weren't at field hockey practice today. Um... great job. Oh, I mean... great *job*. Oh, I mean... great JOB. Boop.

Homestar Runner:
[message two; doing a poor imitation of Strong Sad] Oh, hey Marzipan this is Strong Sad. Um... some animal died. Boop.

Homestar Runner:
[message one; doing a poor imitation of himself] Hey there, Marzipan, this is your boyfriend, Homestar Runner. You're the best girlfriend I ever had. Let's have a marriage. Let's have a marriage license. Okay, bye. Boop.

[Homestar enters Strong Bad's computer room, looking for Strong Bad, who is actually nowhere to be found]

Homestar Runner:
Strong Bad! Hey, Strong Bad, can I borrow your fondue pot again? Oh, you're not here. I'll get to the bottom of this. [He sits down at the Compy and types on it] "Dear Stong Bah, Where are you? Your friend, Homestar". [He then notices a sticky note on the computer screen] Oh. [He reads the note: "In da basement. From SB"] Oh, that must stand for Stong Bah. [He gets up and leaves]

Skate Party:
[singing The Cheat Theme Song] Who's always givin' Strong Bad a hand? The Cheat. The Cheat. Who's always messin' up Homestar's plans? The Cheat. The Cheat. Who's gonna start a rock and roll band? The Cheat. The Cheat. Who's...

Homestar Runner:
Making out with Marzipan...

Skate Party:
The Cheat. The Cheat. The Cheat, The Cheat is in the house. Who's the man that looks like The Cheat? The Cheat. The Cheat. Who's the one with yellow feet? The Cheat. The Cheat. Who's the dude that moves to the beat? The Cheat. The Cheat. Who's the guy from 21 Jump Street? Not The Cheat. Not The Cheat. The Cheat. The Cheat.

Matt Chapman, Mike Chapman:
[singing in sped-up voices] Homestar, run, go! Hooomestaaar, run! Run! Hooomestaaar, run! Run! Homestar Runner's really great! Homestar Runner, athalate! Homestar Runner, Pom Pom, too! Homestar Runner, we love you! Hooomestaaar, run! Run! Hooomestaaar, run! Run! Homestar Runner, do your best! Homestar Runner, pass the test! Homestar Runner, mom and dad! Look out, Homestar! It's Strong Bad! Hooomestaaar, run! Run! Hooomestaaar, run! Run! Hooomestaaar, run. Weekdays.

[Homestar and Strong Bad are sick]

Homestar Runner:
Hey, Strong Bad, my burps smell really bad. Check this out. [He tries to breathe, only to wheeze] Hang on.

Strong Bad:
Ugh, go away! I can't smell anything anyways.

Homestar Runner:
Oh, I'm betting you can smell these.

Strong Bad:
Yeah, well, you're lucky it's your burps that smell. DO NOT go into Strong Mad's room. Or as I've taken to calling it, Rotten Eggl?nd.

[Strong Mad is so sick, he is quarantined in his room]

Strong Mad:
[from inside] Somebody help!

Homestar Runner:
Hey, what's your favorite Halloween candy?

Little Girl:
[mumbling] Lollipops.

Homestar Runner:
Longiepops?

Little Girl:
Lollipops!

Homestar Runner:
Lollipops; what flavor lollipops?

Little Girl:
Um, chocolate.

Homestar Runner:
[laughing] Chocolate lollipops?

Little Girl:
Do you like 'em?

Homestar Runner:
I've never had one!

Little Girl:
You like 'em?

Homestar Runner:
I don't think that's scientifically possible.

Homestar Runner:
[singing as The Cheat accompanies on keyboard] Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it's true. Oh, yeah. You've got to do the best you can. And work out twice a day. Don't ask me why I said it. Because I already forgot.

[song ends]

Homestar Runner:
Thanks, The Cheat! That was great!

The Cheat:
[agreeing The Cheat noises]

Homestar Runner:
So, I guess you'll go on back to puttin' dog food in my shoes, huh?

The Cheat:
[affirmative The Cheat noises]

Homestar Runner:
Okay! See you later!

Cheerleader:
[trying on an elephant head] I'm going for a whole new style!

So and So, The Ugly One:
No good!

Cheerleader:
Oh, well I think it's hella tight. And you guys need boyfriends.

So and So, The Ugly One:
That's true.

[the Cheat had shown Strong Bad a cartoon he made in which Strong Bad has purple boxing gloves and his underwear peeks out of his pants]

Strong Bad:
PURPLE BOXING GLOVES? Did you do any fact-checking before you turned this in? What if I did that to you? Oh yeah, The Cheat, he's a striped, green rabbit... with two butts!

The Cheat:
[angry The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
But you made my underwears showing! Everybody knows I don't wear underwears.

The Cheat:
[more The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Mmm... all right. You get an iron cup... full of Brunswick Stew. [He places a cup full of stew on the desk]

The Cheat:
[happy The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
But lemme tell ya's: with a little extra effort, it would have been a trophy full of Steak-umms.

The Cheat:
[a The Cheat noise that means, "Aw..."]

Strong Bad:
Guy drops a couple of JPEGs in his cartoons and thinks he's, like, the guy who draws "The Lockhorns" or something. Now THAT guy knows funny!

The Ugly One:
I got jimmies.

The Ugly One:
Three springrolls, please.

Strong Bad:
MSG'd!

The Ugly One:
Oww! My stomach lining!

Cheerleader:
We'll get to that one later.

So and So:
This outfit look so good or no good?

Cheerleader, The Ugly One:
So good!

The Ugly One:
My stomach feels better.

Cheerleader:
Where have you been?

What's Her Face:
I met a possum.

Cheerleader:
Good for you. Ready, gallies?

Cheerleader, So and So, What's Her Face, The Ugly One:
Pose!

What's Her Face:
My blood hurts.

Cheerleader:
Isa my underwears showing?

The Ugly One, What's Her Face:
Yes, ma'am.

Cheerleader:
Grood. I mean, good... and great. Great and good.

What's Her Face:
Tee hee.

The Ugly One:
We're cool.

Strong Bad:
No, you're not!

College Boy #1:
I miss video games.

College Boy #2:
I miss my mom.

Cheerleader, So and So:
Hello, boys!

Cheerleader:
We're in college!

So and So:
We're in eighth grade!

College Boy #1, College Boy #2:
Hahahahahhahahaha!

Strong Bad:
[as Cheerleader kicks So and So away] Punt!

So and So:
Ahh! My hopes of reaching first base!

Cheerleader:
That's my little sister who is at least 5 years younger than me. She's never kissed a boy.

College Boy #2:
You look the same age.

Cheerleader:
I'M FIVE YEARS OLDER AND IN COLLEGE!

Strong Bad:
SAILING MISHAP!

College Boy #2:
I'm gonna miss her.

College Boy #1:
I'm gonna miss video games.

The Ugly One:
One inch...

So and So:
Two inch...

The Ugly One:
Three inch...

So and So:
Four inch...

The Ugly One:
Uhh... that's as high as I can count.

What's Her Face:
I can count to G!

Cheerleader:
That's nothing. I can count to purple backwards!

So and So:
She lead a full life.

What's Her Face:
She lead a full stomach.

Singers:
[on Marzipan's answering machine] You got a call from the Thnikkaman!

Bubs:
[on Marzipan's answering machine; as the Thnikkaman] Hey, Marzipan. It's the Thnikkaman! Your Marzipan machine's been Thnikkafied! I was just calling up to see if you wanted to join my Thnikkaband. I got instruments, drums, cymbals, drums. Now all I need is some Thnikkagirls to dance around in some go-go boots. All you gotta do is shimmy-shake a little bit to the left, and, if time permits, shimmy-shake a little bit to the right. Oh, and in regards to your question, "can you have some?", yeah. Shut up, kid!

Singers:
[on Marzipan's answering machine] Here hang-ups the Thnikkaman!

Bubs:
[on Marzipan's answering machine] Errrrrrrrooom... click!

Strong Bad:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Uh, yes, hello there, Mrs. Pan. This is... uh, Detective Everybody down here at the station. And, um... and we got your boyfriend Homestar down here and, uh, he's dead. Beca... We killed him, because he was so stupid that we had to shoot him to keep him from being even more stupid. So if you wanna come down and I.D. the body, there's not much left. We put about 37 slugs in him, eh-and things don't look too good. Uh, so if you could come down we would appreciate it, right now... um, to come look at your dead boyfriend. [he is clearly heard snickering] Okay, have a good day.

[Strong Bad is trying to work on spreadsheets on his computer at a job he's apparently taking and Homestar is bothering him]

Homestar Runner:
So, you goin' to Beach-Themed Restaurant tonight? It's ladies' night. Music, dancing, they've got fake palm trees!

Strong Bad:
Oh, yeah, I'd rather die!

Homestar Runner:
Cool. Can I catch a ride? Pick me up at six. Ooh, and bring plenty of cash. I'm gonna need at least five or six appe-teasers.

Strong Bad:
Will you just get outta here and let me finish these spreadsheets!

Homestar Runner:
You're not done yet? I finished mine weeks ago. Let me give you a hand!

Strong Bad:
No! Don't touch that! [Homestar leans his head in and bangs it on the keyboard repeatedly] Uh? [a Flamboyant System Error screen appears on his computer] Oh, *great*! THIS IS JUST *GREAT*!

Homestar Runner:
Yeah! You can thank me later. I love that blue screen. It is also my dog.

Strong Bad:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Uh... Mrs. Pan. Uh, hello. Uh, yes, this is, uh, Mr. Nobody from the Toilet Patrol. And, um, we're just calling because we need you to do a check-up on your toilet. S-so, if you could, uh, stick your head in the toilet and, um, flush the toilet... [he is clearly heard trying to hold back laughter]... and then give us a call back and let us know if your toilet is all right. Okay, have a good day! [more stifled laughter is heard]

Cheerleader:
What do you kiddos think of my very own chocolate bar?

So and So:
Looks like you dropped it in the sand.

Cheerleader:
No, I just dipped it in salt.

What's Her Face:
That's grosser than gross.

Cheerleader:
Yeah? Well, my house has a hundred bathrooms! [pronounced and spelled as "bafrooms"]

So and So:
You mean your parents' house?

The Ugly One:
You mean two bathrooms?

Cheerleader:
No! It's mine! It's a hundred! Shut it off!

Homestar Runner:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine; lowered voice] Okay, so what am I doing here?

Strong Bad:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine; lowered voice] Step one is to greet the recipient of the prank call.

Homestar Runner:
Okay, okay, I got it. [he clears his throat and speaks a little more loudly] Hey, Pom Pom!

Strong Bad:
[imitates a buzzer noise] Wrong! Hang up and start over. [They hang up]

[Homestar enters Strong Bad's computer room, holding a damage videotape]

Homestar Runner:
Strong Bad? Strong Bad, I brought back your tape of old Mister Wizards! Okay, I'll just leave it on the floor. [he drops the tape and notices a note on the Compy's screen]

Homestar Runner:
[dramatically] A note! A note. [he reads the note] "Probably at a barbecue... with lotsa ladies! SB."

Homestar Runner:
[mischievously] Oh, really?

Homestar Runner:
[picking up a milk carton] Strong Bad! I'm borrowing this milk for an undisclosed period of time! [now he picks up a squeegee] Strong Bad! I'm borrowing this squeegee-type-deal! [he now holds a guitar] Taking the guitar! [now he is struggling to hold a TV set] The TV! [he drops it] Phew!

[Strong Bad and his posse are sitting around on the couch lazily]

Strong Bad:
The Cheat, The Cheat, The Cheat, The CheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheat! Get me a drink!

The Cheat:
[the Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Hey, Strong Mad. Get... get me a drink!

Strong Mad:
MORE LIKE, YOU GET ME A DRINK!

Strong Bad:
Hey, don't sass back with me! Augh. We need to figure out how to get some drinks... like... without having to actually get some drinks.

The Cheat:
[excited The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Ooh! The man with the plan!

Homestar Runner:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Oh, hello Marzipan! [he then speaks in a lowered voice] Okay, what I'm supposed to do now?

Strong Bad:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Step two is where you reveal your fake identity to the prankee.

Homestar Runner:
Oh, I'm Batman.

Strong Bad:
What, n...! Just make up a name!

Homestar Runner:
Okay, okay! [he then speaks louder] Hey, Marzipan, this is Homestar. [Strong Bad imitates a buzzer noise and they hang up]

What's Her Face:
Here comes Tompkins.

Tompkins:
Listen up, you undapants! Who wants to get hogtied, and pushed down, into, some snakewater?

The Ugly One:
Tompkins, how do you be so short?

Tompkins:
Heck, I'm taller than you.

Cheerleader, So and So, What's Her Face, The Ugly One:
Tompkins made a swear!

Homestar Runner:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Oh, hello, Marzipan, this is Strong Bad. [Strong Bad interrupts by imitating a buzzer noise and they hang up]

[Cheerleader is standing at a graveyard where the rest of the Squad is buried]

Cheerleader:
I look so good!

[Strong Bad walks up to Cheerleader]

Strong Bad:
Whoa. Hey there, Cheerleader. You're looking so good. You want to go take a ride with me up to Checkers, or Rally's, or, um, Sonic Burger? Whatever you guys got here.

[Strong Bad wants to interview Homestar Runner]

Strong Bad:
What the crap were you doing out there?

Homestar Runner:
Out where?

Strong Bad:
Outside! I watched you prance by like five times, man.

Homestar Runner:
Oh, I doubt it. I drove.

Strong Bad:
You don't own a car.

Homestar Runner:
Yeah, you're probably right.

Strong Bad:
Okay, let's get down to brass tacks.

Homestar Runner:
Oh, I didn't bring any. I drove.

Strong Bad:
Oh, this is gonna be painful.

Homestar Runner:
What, the tacks? I bet. Try not to sit on 'em.

The King of Town:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Oo, hello Marzipan, it's the King of Town here. I just wanted to invite you to a... a banquet I'm having, and... ooh! Oh! I've got to call you back! My... uh... my... pizza's just arrived! Doo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Bubs:
[talking about bad comics that come with bubble gum] I remember one time, I got this one, where in the first frame, there's this guy saying, "Hey, Gunderson!" And in the second frame, he said, "Here comes the book mobile!" And it got me to thinking, I wish my life was that simple.

Homestar Runner:
Which do you like best, tricks or treats?

Little Girl:
[emphatically] Treats.

The King of Town:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Ooh, hello, Marzipan. It's the king again. I apologize. So, about my banquet. It's going to be at my castle, and... oh! Ooh! My leg of lamb is here! Ohh, hoo! Excuse me, I've got to call you back! Doo! Loo, doo hoo doo!

Homestar Runner:
[on Marzipan's answering Machine] Oh, hey, Marzipan! This is Homestar. Um, I was wondering if you could help me with a dilemma I'm having. I can't think of what to get my girlfriend for Valentine's Day. Um, she's kind of annoying, and overbearing, and kind of a big hippie. So if you could...

[he slowly realizes that he's talking about Marzipan]

Homestar Runner:
...buh... oh.

[he poorly imitates an operator error tone]

Homestar Runner:
Doo-doo-DOO! The number you have reached is not... your boyfriend calling you... uh... right now.

[he does a poor imitation of a dial tone]

Homestar Runner:
Doooooo do do do do dooooooo this is the dial tone doooooooooooooo. Okay, bye!

[At the Teen Girl Squad's school]

Intercom:
And lunch today will be a breadtangle of pizza. Don't forget the battle of the bands this Friday. Tompkins, point your rear end in the direction of the principal's office.

Tompkins:
Aww, peas!

Cheerleader:
Ya hear that, girls?

What's Her Face:
Pizza belongs in a triangle!

So and So:
That Tompkins is such a renegade!

Bubs:
[continuing his discussion of bad comics that come with bubble gum] And then there was this one where, in the first frame, some guy's pointing at somebody in a trench coat, saying, "Dennis?" And in the next frame, he's telling his friend, "I just saw Dennis!" I mean, he just saw Dennis!

The King of Town:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Okay, Marzipan, let's give this one more try. It's the King again, and about my banquet, I wa... Ohh, ooh, I'm sorry! My year's supply of Salisbury sundaes has just arrived! I'm never calling you back! Mee! Rloo! Noo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Marzipan:
[greeting on her Answering Machine] Hi, this is Marzipan. I'm out expanding my horizons. Leave me a message.

Strong Bad:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Good afternoon, Marzipan. My name is Bob... Statesman. I'm running for Elected Official this Tuesday. I'm calling to garner your vote. I support all the issues: save the animals, move the ocean over there, just like you. We are currently accepting campaign donations to support our cause against runoff candidate uh... Cory. In order to beat this guy, we need the contributions of s-constituents like you. We accept donations in the form of cash, all varieties of cupped cakes, and hard rock albums on cassette. As always, please put your donations in a cardboard box and leave it at the street. And really do it this time! I mean, I've never called you before to ask for anything... but seriously... put some stuff in the street!

[after Cheerleader gets run over, her friends decide to form a "Best Friends Squad". Strong Bad sings about them]

Strong Bad:
A glue stick. Some glitter paint. Words cut out from a magazine. BFF carved in a tree, that stands for Baow Fom Froosh! A Port-o-John came to life, put on a play with So and So. Unfortunately, they didn't get very good reviews. What's Her Face ate staple sauce. A big heaping bowl of staple sauce. Then crazy Learner's Permit Girl gave me a ride to Babbage's. [spoken] What? They don't got no Turbografix games?

[standard opening line for the Teen Girl Squad toons]

Strong Bad:
[offscreen] Teen Girl Squad! Cheerleader! So and So! What's Her Face! The Ugly One!

Coach Z:
[leaving a message on Marzipan's answering machine] Hey there, Marzipan. It's the lyrical wondermind, Coach Z. Calling to ask you if, uh, you seen one of my discatapes... I think I left over dere. Uh, it's one of my most favorite disco tapes, and I'd really like it back so, I'm gonna come... I'm just gonna head on over there, uh, and if you're not there I'll just let myself in the crack in the window like I usually do... I mean... not... I never do, because I've never snuck into your house before. I mean, who's sneakin'? Over here? Nobody. I'm creepin'. [slight pause] Have you tried these new crazy curly fries? I mean, they're crazy! It's like a French fry, but it's all curled up into a curlied Q!

Powered by The Cheat Homestar:
[to Strong Bad] I'll have some, soup.

Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad:
[tripping up Homestar] The Cheat, get the man *some* soup.

The Cheat:
[a The Cheat noise as he pours soup on Homestar's eyes]

Powered by The Cheat Homestar:
Okay, hot soup is on my eye. [the Cheat jumps on Homestar's face and dances on it as hip-hop music plays in the background] Oh, no! Now you're doing a hip-hop dance on my head!

Powered by The Cheat Coach Z:
[appearing] Hey! That's a good dance!

Bubs:
[continuing his discussion of bad comics that come with bubble gum] So then I got one where the roustabout kid says, "Great times." And then the refuse bin says, "I think I'll wait." Man, this bubble gum is *terrible*!

[Strong Bad and The Cheat have gotten a booth at TrogdorCon '97, a comic book convention]

Strong Bad:
All right, so here we are at TrogdorCon! Got booths set up and lookin' good! So, The Cheat, these cons... what exactly is gonna go on here?

The Cheat:
[some The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Geeks and nerds? That doesn't sound like anything I want to be a part of.

The Cheat:
[more The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Ladies in skimpy sci-fi costumes? That sounds like *everything* I want to be a part of! Are you sure they're in the same place as the geeks and nerds? That doesn't make any sense. Ladies in skimpy outfits should be hanging out with me... and to a lesser degree, football players and rappers... not geeks, nerds, or any of their smelly brethren.

The Cheat:
[some The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Yeah, I'll see it when I believe it.

Marzipan:
[greeting on her Answering Machine; sounding breathy] Hi, this is Marzipan. I'm feeling very vivacious today. Please leave me a message.

Strong Bad:
[on Marzipan's answering machine; mimicking Marzipan] Oh, hello, Marzipan. Uh, this is you, Marzipan, calling yourself, like you do all the time, because you're so stupid. Uh... I just wanted to call to tell you to, uh, punch Homestar Runner in the face as many times as you can, um, and as hard as you can. Oh. And also, start calling yourself... um... Uglypan... from now on. That's what everybody gonna call h... you, um, uh, me. Okay, I'ma see you tonight, because I'm you!

Coach Z:
[leaving a message on Marzipan's answering machine] Okay, hey there Marzipan. It's a... it's the Coach Z here. And, uh, I'm leavin' ya a, uh, a machine... er, a message on your machine there. And I... I got a favor to ask you about Homestar. He's, uh... he's kinda been draggin' his tuchus around the field at a, you know, at practice there. And I was wondering if you could do something, ya know, to kinda cheer him up. Maybe to, you know, something that you girls do for the guys. One of those type things. You know, I don't know, you could do some type of a silly dance, or, uh, put somethin' in his pants... you know, I don't know what you do there, but uh, I'd really appreciate it 'cause he's been lookin' kinda blue out there on the... on the field, so okay then, uh, good day.

Homsar:
[leaving a message on Marzipan's answering machine] Daaaahh, hello, Marzy-pa-yan, it's Homsar. Dahhh, I was just calling to thank you for the flowers you sent me while I was in the hospital. Dah, I'm feeling much better now, but I still can't feel my legs. Okay, bye-de-bye.

Homestar Runner:
[to Strong Bad] What's up, my homey! [he notices that Strong Bad's work computer is smoking] Ew, what's that smell? Did Mancuso at Accounting put his three-hole punch in the microwave again? That guy sucks!

Strong Bad:
Oh, get outta here, man!

Homestar Runner:
No, not yet. So, did you get that email that I forwarded to everyone in the company and their families and their high school friends?

Strong Bad:
No! Can't you see my computer and I are having domestic problems?

Homestar Runner:
Oh, man, you should check it out right now. It has a three-gig hilarious file attachment attached to it. It's one of the funniest emails I've forwarded this week!

Strong Bad:
Three-gig attachment? Oh, no wonder!

Homestar Runner:
When you get that mess fixed, check out that attachment. The file's called "catonfire_fallingfromanairplane.exe". I'm not gonna tell you what it is, but trust me, you got to check it out! I was ROTF all over the place when I saw that. Anyways, I'm gonna go see what Gunderson thought of it. That guy doesn't suck. See ya later, alligator! [he leaves]

[Strong Bad's office computer is smoking and The Cheat comes over to investigate]

The Cheat:
[interrogative The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
I didn't *do* anything! I just turned it on, tried to check my email, and then it started smoking and shaking it like it was Friday night!

The Cheat:
[more interrogative The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
Back up my files? Are you kidding? Is that a real thing you have to do? I always thought that that was just like, you know, a figure of speech.

The Cheat:
[incredulous The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
I dunno, like "Wake up and smell the coffee," or "See ya later, alligator!"

The Cheat:
[angry The Cheat noises; walks off]

Strong Bad:
Oh, great. So my computer's dead. This almost never happens to me!

Strong Bad:
[leaving a message on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Good morning, Marzipan. This is your cable man... uh, Cableman Jorge. Just calling you regarding your service. We need you to do a little routine maintenance on it, so go ahead and buy, like, a hundred-foot spool of coaxial cable and run it off your cable box and out the window and... give it a toss in the general direction of Strong Bad's house. And while you're at it, you may want to go ahead and upgrade to the premium package which includes all the pay channels... and the Olympic triplecast. So get that done for us, we'll be... we'll be much obliged. Tenderly, I remain... Cableman Jorge.

Strong Bad:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine, eating something] Oh, hey, Marzipan. This is that guy, Strong Bad. Um, so I was just reading on my Internet about how tofu is made from little baby seals. Yeah. So like, all this time, you've been eatin', um, little baby seals. So what? I guess you're gonna keel over, at like, any second now at the thought of all these little baby seals running around in your stomach. I mean, that's just gross. Just plain old gross. So in conclusion... you should listen to your cable man.

Bubs:
[continuing his discussion of bad comics that come with bubble gum] And so the hip-hop kid says, "Let's do this," and he tells Gunderson, "We got you this washer." But all's I'm thinking is, "That's a dryer!"

Cheerleader:
[to the rest of the Squad] Now, more than ever before, let's get ready to look...

Teen Girl Squad:
SO GOOD! [They rotate a full 360 degrees]

Strong Bad:
[offscreen] Whoa! That was about the coolest thing ever! Me gotta see that again! [the scene rewinds and then replays the spin, but now What's Her Face still spins]

Strong Bad:
Uh-oh, we got a spinner.

What's Her Face:
Wheeeee!

Rather Dashing:
I'm just so mad at Trogdor... He just goes around burning things and doesn't even care!

Blue Knight:
[to Rather Dashing] Access to Trogdor is strictly for peasants. You don't smell like a peasant, you don't dress like a peasant, and you certainly aren't on fire like a peasant!

Strong Bad:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine; as a sweepstakes announcer] Hello, Marzipan! This is Sweepstakes Ron, come to bring you great news! You have been randomly selected to win an unlimited supply of one million... [under his breath]... punches in the face. [normal voice] So, to claim your prize, just blindfold yourself and walk out on the front stow-oop, or stoop... and get ready to receive your free million... [under his breath]... punches in the face. [normal] Don't delay! Get outside right now! I'm waiting in the bushes! I mean... uh, for to give you the million... [under his breath]... punches in the face.

Homestar Runner:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine] What's up, Pawkeegan? This is Homestar Runner from Homestarrunner.com, and you're listening to the Cornbread Hour, here on WPKG, pointy-point-five, the voice of Pawkeegan State! Okay... Sweepstakes Ron? Are you there? Hello? You told me to call this number and leave a radio promo, and then you'd... you'd give me the sweepstakes. So... gimme some of that sweep-a-stakes.

[Strong Bad's work computer is smoking and he decides to back up his files on it. He pushes a button and it explodes; all that's left are ashes]

Strong Bad:
[screams] That's the worst computer explosion I've ever seen! Is there anything I can salvage? Oh, I think I see some of the third-quarter analysis spreadsheet in there, and... Oh, is that my buddy list? I gotta back that up! [he takes a manilla envelope and sweeps the ashes into it] Sweep some of this in here... my buddy list... The Cheat, Strong Mad... buddies...

[Strong Bad and The Cheat have gotten a booth at TrogdorCon '97]

Strong Sad:
What are you guys doing here?

Strong Bad:
Hangin' out. Don't tell nobody, but secretly, we're really just hangin' out.

Strong Sad:
But didn't it cost money to get a booth?

Strong Bad:
Look, I don't know where The Cheat got 500 bucks or where your missing 500 bucks is. All I know is we're hanging out here at TrogdorCon '97! Or in your case, Trog-*dork-on* '97.

Strong Sad:
It's not called TrogdorCon and it's 2005.

Strong Bad:
Maybe for you, but... you're... a butt. [he grins]

Strong Sad:
That's a good one, Strong Bad.

[Strong Bad and Homestar are taking jobs at an office]

Homestar Runner:
[to Strong Bad, feeling hung-over] Rondo, it's official. This just in from corporate.

Strong Bad:
Whoa, what is it?

Homestar Runner:
Thursday is the new Friday. Man, I don't even want to remember what went on last night.

Strong Bad:
Apparently, you didn't want to remember to take a shower, either. You smell like wet tech support, with onions.

Homestar Runner:
Thanks, man. Hey, I need you to cover for me. I'm supposed to present the third-quarter earnings to the shareholders in five minutes, but I really need to take a nap under your desk, here, so...

Strong Bad:
No way! I'm in the middle of something big here! I'm gonna save this company millions!

Homestar Runner:
Thanks, man, I owe you one.

[the Teen Girl Squad has formed a band called Kissyboots and What's Her Face plays the bass, which turns into a shark]

What's Her Face:
My bass feels seaworthy. [the shark suddenly bites off her entire upper half] OW! My most of me!

Cheerleader:
Okay, my Spanish galleons, this summer's gonna be different! Say guh-bye to hanging out next to this old person! [shows off an old man]

The Ugly One, Old Man:
Bye, old person.

Cheerleader:
'Cause now I'm best friends with an olda girl what has her LEARNER'S PERMIT!

The Ugly One, So and So:
LEARNER'S PERMIT!

Old Man:
[overlapping] LEARNER'S OINTMENT!

What's Her Face:
I've had my license for a year...

Cheerleader:
Stop saying words. Here she comes now! [a crazed-looking learner's permit girl drives up and runs Cheerleader over]

Strong Bad:
DRIVER'S ED'ED... DEAD.

Cheerleader:
Ow! My entire life!

Cheerleader:
Lunchtime gals. Now let's get ready to eat...

Cheerleader, So and So, What's Her Face:
[in unison] NO FOOD!

So and So:
Eating lunch is for weirdos.

The Ugly One:
[walking up, holding a tray full of corn] Holla grlfrndz. It's Corn and Corn Alone Day!

Samurai Warrior:
[suddenly jumping out of the pile of corn] Corn is no place for a mighty warrior!

Strong Bad:
[on Marzipan's Answering Machine; fake British accent] Cheerio there, Mrs. Pan. This is Constable Anybody over here at the Royal Society for Total Dorks. We would like to welcome you to our prestigious society. In fact, we would make you freakin' president! [snickers; clears throat] Yes, so, all you have to do is, uh, go to your window and stick a couple of pencils up your nose, and... [snickers]... then you'll be the president! [snickers again] Okay... cheers, 'cause I'm so British!

[Cheerleader gets killed from being run over by a car]

So and So:
Whoa, Cheerleader's gone.

So and So, The Ugly One, What's Her Face:
[in unison] WE'RE FREE!

Old Man:
[overlapping] We're ointment!

The Ugly One:
The tyranny is over!

So and So:
I can overachieve like a bandit!

What's Her Face:
I can date science-fiction Greg again!

The Ugly One:
I CAN STOP SHOWERING!

Old Man:
[dressed like Cheerleader] I can be a teen girl! [two vultures show up and see the old man]

Vulture 1:
Ain't no teen girl. [the vultures now eat the now-deceased old man]

Vulture 2:
Quite good, quite good.

Cheerleader:
[to the other girls] Okay, my gallies, listen up! We have to draw names for secret Decemberween gift exchange.

So and So, What's Her Face, The Ugly One:
FUNTIME!

Cheerleader:
Okay, chill. [gestures toward a lion] I put each of our names into this lion's mouth. What's Her Face, you choose first.

What's Her Face:
I'm... hesitant.

Cheerleader:
Fine then, you won't get any presents.

The Ugly One:
[crazed] I WANT PRESENTS! I WANT PRESENTS! CANNONBALL! [jumps toward the lion]

Strong Bad:
[the lion eats The Ugly One] CHOMP! [a gallery of judges is shown all holding up the number 2]

Strong Bad:
TWO'D!

Marzipan:
[leaving a message on her own answering machine] Hi, Marzipan. This is Marzipan calling. Just wanted to remind you, don't let Homestar have that leftover strudel tonight, because he's looking a little bit fat around the edges. Okay. See you tonight.

Marzipan:
[leaving a message on her own answering machine] Hi, Marzipan, this is not Marzipan, just calling to leave you a mean prank call so that you don't get your feelings hurt when other people prank call you. Um, here's the prank: we all know that that hair color is not your true color.