Hoodwinked!

Trouble In The Hood.

Armed And Dangerously Dumb.

A Granny Who Kicks Fanny.

Red Riding Hood, The Woodsman, Granny, The Wolf. Not Your Typical Crime. Not Your Usual Suspects.

[first lines]

Narrator:
[voiceover] Red Riding Hood. You probably know the story. [cue the sound of a small girl screaming] But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say: "You can't judge a book by its cover". If you want to know the truth, you've got to flip through the pages. [The book flips open to a popup map. The camera zooms in, flies through the trees, and comes to rest on the front door of a cottage in a meadow]

[A figure opens the front door]

Red Puckett:
Granny? [hearing nothing, she steps into the living room] It's me, Red. [looks around, uncertain] Is everything okay?

Wolf W. Wolf:
[falsetto voice] Oh, oh yeah. Sure thing. Come on in. [camera whip-pans to show the Wolf sitting up in Granny's bed, dressed in an apron and wearing a plastic face mask. Red cautiously approaches him]

Red:
What? Wh-- who are you?

Wolf:
I'm your grandma.

Red:
Your face looks really weird, Granny.

Wolf:
I've been sick, I... uh... [puts his hands over his chest]

Red:
Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.

Wolf:
[taps his mask] Oh, uh, plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done. Now come on over here. Let's have a look at you. [Red steps closer, warily]

Red:
So... what's going on, "grandma"?

Wolf:
Oh, this and that. Doing a lot of quilting. So, you got the loot? [Red notices his furry hands]

Red:
Whoa, what big hands you have!

Wolf:
Oh! All the better to scratch my back with! [does so]

Red:
And what big ears you have!

Wolf:
[becoming increasingly irritated] All the better to hear your... many criticisms! Old people just have big ears, dear.

Red:
[shakes her head in disbelief] And Granny... what big eyes you have!

Wolf:
[losing his temper] Are we just going to sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?! [leans in closer to Red] You came here for a reason, didn't ya? So tell ole Granny what you've got in the basket! [Red leans back, disgusted]

Red:
Ugh! Granny! What bad breath you have!

Wolf:
All right! [pulls off his mask; Red screams and takes a step back]

Red:
You again?! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?!

Wolf:
Settle down, little girl, I'm on to you!

Red:
HI-YAH! [Red positions her arms in a fighting stance]

Wolf:
Save it, Red fu! You've been dodging me all day, but now you might as well give up. [Grabs a fireplace poker; Red runs into the living room, where he manages to corner her]

Red:
Hi-yah! You crazy wolf! What have you done with Granny?!

Wolf:
[grabs her arm] I've taken Granny down and you're next! [Granny bursts out of the closet, bound and gagged]

Red:
Granny!

Wolf:
But, you, that's not... [Kirk bursts through the window, holding an axe] Whoa! Whoa!

[Chief Ted Grizzly meets Det. Bill Stork outside the cottage]

Chief Ted Grizzly:
Bill.

Det. Bill Stork:
[turns around, startled] Chief!

Chief Grizzly:
All right, uh, what have we got?

Det. Stork:
Ah, it's a domestic disturbance: breaking and entering, wielding an axe without a license, intent to eat...

Chief Grizzly:
I get the picture. Any connection with the recipe robberies?

Det. Stork:
You mean the Goodie Bandit? Could be. The house belongs to Granny Puckett.

Chief Grizzly:
The cookbook lady?

Det. Stork:
Yeah that's the one.

Chief Grizzly:
Hmm.

[opens the door; from left to right we see Wolf, Kirk, Granny, and Red sitting in chairs, handcuffed, around a smashed table as police radio chatter continues]

Det. Stork:
Okay, Paul Bunyan here [Kirk] was swinging the axe, and Wolfie was trying to eat Li'l Bit [Red].

Chief Grizzly:
All right, get a muzzle on that guy.

Wolf:
Hey, I can explain everything.

Chief Grizzly:
Well you can explain it to the judge. [turns to Red] Shouldn't you be in school?

Red:
Shouldn't I have a lawyer?

Chief Grizzly:
[is distracted by something] Wha-what are you doing?

[Three pig cops Bruce, Timmy, and Tommy were standing around a wicker basket turn to him]

Pigs:
Oh, uh, hey, Chief.

Chief Grizzly:
Don't eat that! That's evidence!

Timmy:
Right.

[Another officer puts a muzzle over Wolf's mouth]

Chief Grizzly:
All right, so this looks pretty open-and-shut: Little Miss Rosycakes [Red] making covert deliveries to the goodie tycoon [Granny], Wolfie tries to eat 'em both, then crazy flannel pants [Kirk] with the axe here busts in swinging vigilante style. Take 'em downtown, boys!

Det. Stork:
Uh, it's the woods, Chief. We don't have a downtown.

Chief Grizzly:
You know what I mean! Just book 'em!

Nicky Flippers:
Not so fast, Grizzly. [Flippers enters through the back door] That's the problem with you bears: always growling up the wrong tree.

[Flippers has shown up uninvited]

Chief Grizzly:
Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is my case!

Flippers:
Well, well! Someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights. Thought the circus was in town. [eyes the four detainees] Now of course, I see I was right.

Chief Grizzly:
Well you're too late, Nicky, I've got this case all wrapped up.

Flippers:
Is that right?

Chief Grizzly:
Yeah.

Red:
They've got this all wrong, Mr. Flippers. [Flippers notices Red and walks over to her]

Flippers:
Oh, I don't know. You look very dangerous to me. What's your name?

Red:
Red.

Flippers:
And why do they call you that?

Red:
Why do they call you "Flippers"?

[Cuts to Flippers on the dance floor at a disco club in a flashy white suit. As the crowd chants "Go Flippers!" in the background, he executes a perfect back flip]

Flippers:
[scratches his tie nervously] Uh, no reason.

Red:
They call me "Red" because of this red hood I wear.

Flippers:
What about when you're not wearing it? [beat]

Red:
I usually wear it.

[Red has been brought in to be interviewed]

Flippers:
What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists could slip right out! How 'bout a cage?

Det. Stork:
[on walkie-talkie, eager] Bring in the cage!

Flippers:
I was being sarcastic.

Det. Stork:
[on walkie-talkie, disappointed] Sarcasm. Strike the cage... [The guy on the other end of the radio groans]

Chief Grizzly:
[sighs] Well all right. Get the cuffs off her. [The notary sharpens his pencil and Red's handcuffs are removed]

Nicky Flippers:
So, Red, why don't you explain how this all began?

Red:
Well, like any other day: I was making deliveries to my granny's goodie shop.

[While Red is riding her bike, Boingo spots her]

Boingo:
Hey Red! [hops into her basket] Oh, nice outfit! Always "red" with you. You must be in autumn.

Red:
[smiles] Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today?

Boingo:
[glumly] No, he closed up shop. Somebody took all his recipes last night and now I'm out of a job!

Red:
Oh, gee, Boingo, I'm really sorry! Are you still running the cable car?

Boingo:
Yeah. Yeah, I am, but it's nothin' like making goodies all day. I'll tell you that.

Red:
Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better? [hands him one]

Boingo:
[brightens] Oh boy, oh boy! Thanks, Red! I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascally... devil!

Red:
Yeah, well, the woods don't go 'round by themselves. [Boingo hops away]

[Red sees a family of four beavers abandoning their boarded up roadside snack shack]

Mother Beaver:
Come on, let's go.

Child Beaver:
Where are we going now, mama?

Red:
[narrating] With the Goodie Bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone would know what to do, she would.

[Cuts to Granny talking on the phone while knitting]

Granny Puckett:
I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady.

Red:
Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny! What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out! Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, just for safekeeping!

Granny:
A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.

Red:
I'm not so little anymore!

Granny:
Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.

Red:
But-

Granny:
I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. [blows air kisses and hangs up; Red sighs, annoyed]

[Red is in a treehouse, reading a magazine; a woodpecker flies up]

Woodpecker:
Watchya readin', Red? [Sees the magazine cover] "Far Away Places"? Are you going somewhere far away?

Red:
No. The world is too dangerous for me! [Throws her arms up in exasperation, in the process throwing her magazine away. It lands spread-open on a passing car]

Driver:
[swerves and revs his engine] Aah! Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid! [Cuts back to Red as we hear the sound of screeching tires, followed seconds later by a loud crash. Red gives a tense look to the camera] I'm okay! I'll walk it off! [Red relaxes]

Woodpecker:
You can't go away! Who's gonna ride the goody bike?

Red:
If I had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain [waves towards a snowcapped peak in the distance], and the next one and the next one.....but I can't. I'm just a kid.

Woodpecker:
I'm just a woodpecker. [Red hears the sound of glass being shattered and flinches] Uh-oh. [Red shimmies down the rope and runs over to Granny's store, nearby, and finds the front window shattered. She opens the door, picks up a rock on the floor, and finds the words "YOU'RE NEXT!" written on it]

Woodpecker:
[fluttering down and landing next to Red's feet] "You're next!"? What does it mean, "You're next!"? [Red hears a noise and sees the owner of the store next door tacking up a notice that reads "Out O' Business"]

Owner:
Ruined... [turns and trudges away, muttering to herself. Red looks back at the store safe]

Red:
It means someone wants our recipes....

[Red grabs the recipe book from the safe]

Woodpecker:
Are they gonna get your recipes? [Red glares at him]

Red:
Not today. [loads the book into her basket and places it under a tray. Cut to the present day]

Flippers:
[grabbing a sandwich from the fridge] So, you deliberately took your granny's recipes from the family vault, without permission?

Red:
Help yourself.

Flippers:
And then, you set off on a dangerous journey up the mountain [flicks an olive off the toothpick, snatching it out of the air with his tongue] alone?

Red:
Yeah. I guess I did.

Boingo:
I guess running the cable car's not so bad. You know, it's a great way to see the forest without having to worry about all the big, hairy beasts down there!

Red:
[unnerved] Beasts? [Boingo hops over towards her end of the cabin]

Boingo:
Oh, yeah, you know, beasts - the--the wolves, and the bobcats, and the mountain lions, and the... sabre tooth tigers! Bu-but mostly wolves. Mostly wolves. Forests can be a dangerous place for a little guy like me, with my, well look at me, I'm fuzzy. Hey, you deliver up this far?

Red:
Well, not usually. But I was thinking about what you told me earlier - about the Muffin Man? I need to protect Granny's recipes from that bandit's evil plan. They're gonna shut down everyone in the forest if we're not careful. [The doors fly open and Red flails around, trying to keep her balance]

Boingo:
No! [jumps for Red's basket, but she grabs it as she slips and falls towards the woods below]

[Red has just fallen from the tram, and has just seen two hungry eyes glaring at her when a squirrel lands and takes a photo of her. She turns and gasps to find herself face to face with the Wolf]

Wolf:
Afternoon. [beat]

Red:
Hello.

Wolf:
So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now.

Red:
Oh, you saw that.

Wolf:
: Yep, gravity's working. Those old cable cars on the.... You should write a letter. [sniffs] Wow, something smells good. Are those... goodies in there?

Red:
I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Wolf:
No, you shouldn't. Good call. So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? You taking the goodies to someone in particular?

Red:
Uhhh... my granny.

Wolf:
Granny? Granny Puckett, the goodie lady? My goodness, she makes some good.... goodies. She's got a thing. It's like a, uh, it's like, a, uh... cookies, shortbread chocolate icing between very....[sighs] It's good. Uh, it's very good. You make deliveries to your granny often?

Red:
[shakes her head] I don't think I should tell you that.

Wolf:
Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?

Red:
You ask a lot of questions, mister!

Wolf:
: Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.

Red:
I'd rather you didn't. [The Wolf lets out a ferocious roar and she immediately runs away]

[Wolf is floating away down the river after being tricked by Red]

Wolf:
You can't hold on to those recipes forever! I'll get you and your little granny too! [The hummingbirds return Red's cloak to her]

Chief Grizzly:
Yep, that settles it. [cuts back to the interview] We've got our bandit.

Flippers:
Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.

Timmy:
[oinks] Chickens?

Red:
You've gotta admit, a wolf? Stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!

Flippers:
[nods] Hmm, yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy. [Tommy and Timmy exchange glances]

Tommy:
[on radio] Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we've got in the tank?

Bruce:
Uh, the creepy one?

Tommy:
Yeah, better let him go.

Flippers:
[to Red] So you went on to Granny's?

Red:
I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.

[Red arrives in an alpine meadow. She hears music]

Red:
Hello!

[She sees a mine shack across the meadow and runs towards it; Japeth is rocking on his horns as Red walks up the hill to the front porch]

Red:
Hello. [Japeth doesn't hear her and continues yodeling] I'm looking for...Granny Puckett's house?

Japeth:
[singing] Graaaaaaaanneeee Puckeeeet...

Red:
Could you stop singing for one moment?

Japeth:
[singing] No I can't, I wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me, 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing every thing I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy... [beat]

Red:
Everything?

Japeth:
[speaking] That's right.

Red:
You just talked! Just now! [points a finger at Japeth]

Japeth:
Oh, did I? [singing] Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo... [Red gives an exasperated glare to the camera]

[Red calls Granny from Japeth's telephone]

Red:
Granny?

Granny:
Huh? What's that? Who's there?

Red:
It's Red. I'm on my way to come see you-

Granny:
Oh my, dearie, I-I'm not prepared! I need to... put down fresh doilies! Aah! [slips on something]

Red:
Granny! Granny! What's wrong?

Granny:
Gotta go, munchkin. Banzai! [Granny hangs up. A worried expression creeps over Red's face]

Red:
Oh no! [hangs up and turns to Japeth, wild-eyed] Mr. Goat, my granny's in trouble! I've got to find a way around the mountain, fast!

Japeth:
[singing] Well you came to the right goat! [pops off his rocking horns]

Red:
Oh, good! More singing....

[During "Be Prepared", Red looks at a map of the mine tunnel network]

Red:
Are these tunnels? I need one that leads to Puckett Grove! [She looks at Japeth, who is swinging around on the chandelier and yodeling] Oh... [sighs and turns back to the map]

[Red's mine cart has just gone airborne; as she looks down]

Granny:
Red! [Red looks up and, to her shock, sees Granny in the clouds above her]

Red:
Granny?

Granny:
Use the hood, Red! Use the hood!

[Red unfastens her cloak, which turns into a parachute as the cart plummets to Earth. As she emerges from the clouds....]

Red:
What?! [Red looks in disbelief as Japeth flies past her, holding his banjo and wearing antlers with rotors on the ends]

Japeth:
I was prepared! [flies up and away as Red looks on, bemused]

[Red jogs up to Granny's house. She opens the front door and sticks her head in]

Red:
Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?

Wolf:
Oh! Oh yeah, sure thing.

[Cuts to the present]

Flippers:
So this Wolf, he was dressed as your grandmother?

Red:
Yes.

Wolf (flashback):
I'm your grandma.

Flippers:
And you bought that?

Red:
No. Not really. (cuts flashback) Whoa, what big hands you have! [cut] And what big ears you have! [cut] What bad breath you have! [cut] What big eyes you have!

Wolf (flashback):
Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?!

Flippers:
Yes, yes, and then the fellow with the axe burst in? [In the flashback, Kirk bursts through the window. The scene plays out like the beginning for a few seconds until Red waves her hands in a "stop everything" gesture]

Red:
No! No! Not yet! [Everything on-screen except for Red freezes in time, and rewinds; Kirk flies back out the window and the window repairs itself] First, I was attacked by that crazy wolf! [Wolf corners Red in the living room with a fireplace poker] (in flashback) Hi-yah! You crazy wolf! Then my granny jumped out of the closet. [Granny bursts out of the closet and emits a battle cry] But she was tied up. [With an audible pop, Granny is instantly bound and gagged]

Flippers:
And then the Axeman Cometh? [snickers]

Red:
You got it.

[Kirk bursts back through the window]

Red:
Only, he was screaming.

Kirk:
[weakly] Aargh? [Red glares at him]

Red:
[angrily] Like a maniac!

[Kirk starts waving his axe wildly]

Chief Grizzly:
Wow!

Det. Stork:
Hmm.

Flippers:
Ah. So that was it?

Red:
That wolf was going to eat us all....

Chief Grizzly:
The guy's pawprints are all over the room. Book him-

Flippers:
Hold the phone, fuzzy-wuzzy. Let's hear it from the Wolf's mouth.

[Red shoots a disgusted glare at the Wolf as he enters to be interviewed]

Wolf:
Don't I get a drink?

Chief Grizzly:
No!

Flippers:
So! Mr. Wolf, may I call you Wolf?

Wolf:
You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.

Chief Grizzly:
Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, so start singin'!

Flippers:
[squints and scrutinizes the Wolf] Your face looks familiar!

Wolf:
I get around the forest.

Flippers:
What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?

Wolf:
I'm a shepherd. [Stork strikes his hand with his baton] Hey!

Red:
You might as well confess! I told them everything!

Wolf:
Will you keep her away from me, please!

Flippers:
I remember you! Three years ago on the Stiltskin case, you were snooping around for a lead on his real name.

Wolf:
[nonchalantly] I was close, too. I was going to go with "Greg". Greg Stiltsken.

Chief Grizzly:
Hang on! Wait a minute, Flippers, you're saying this guy's a cop?

Flippers:
Worse. He's a reporter.

Red:
A what?!

Wolf:
And I've got the real story.

[Wolf has just finished following up a lead at a sandwich shop]

Wolf:
[on his tape recorder] No deserts. Waste of time.

[He hears singing, and sees Red riding her bike nearby]

Wolf:
[narrating] The little delivery girl in the red hood. Always on the go. More goodies passed through her hands than anybody else in the whole forest. She seemed happy. A little too happy. [As he watches through some bushes, he sees some hummingbirds carry Red and her bike across a stream] Whoa! Creepy! [retreats behind the bushes] [continues narrating] I was starting to have my suspicions. [He takes out his tape recorder and presses the record button] Question: who does she move the goodies for? Where do they come from? Where are they going? And why the hood? [As he scratches his chin and ponders, Twitchy falls from the sky and lands on a tree stump next to him, causing him to jump] Ah! Twitchy, you scared me.

Twitchy:
[speaking very quickly] Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?

Wolf:
Twitchy, you've gotta calm down.

Twitchy:
I got up early and I got the gear. I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.

Wolf:
Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?

Twitchy:
[pantomiming] She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes! She's like lalalalalalalalalala-

Wolf:
Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. We've gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?

Twitchy:
Got the 220x and a photo-grab with auto-focus. Ooo, look at that - comes with a 500 mm lens. You want the color or black and white?

Wolf:
Doesn't matter.

Twitchy:
I brought a flash! [immediately takes a picture in the Wolf's face, briefly blinding him]

Wolf:
Will you put that away?! It's covert. No flash!

Twitchy:
[takes the flash off] Undercover, got it! Mm-hmm! Nobody sees, nobody knows! Click-click, heh heh! [grins]

Wolf:
[stares at Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?

Twitchy:
Oh, I don't drink coffee!

[Wolf looks away, unconvinced]

[Wolf is visiting Woolworth, his informant]

Wolf:
I wanna know about the girl in the red hood.

Woolworth:
Don't know a thing. Never heard of her. [Wolf slips him some money] Little Red? Processing. Oh, yeah, it's coming back to me now. Sweet gal. Not like that Bo Peep. That brat put up an invisible fence, I tasted metal fillings for a week!

Wolf:
Focus! The girl in the hood. You get around the mountain. Who does she work for?

Woolworth:
How should I know? I ain't that curious! [Wolf slips him some more money] It's the family business. Ain't you ever heard of Granny Puckett?

Wolf:
Puckett?

Woolworth:
That's her grandma.

Wolf:
The Granny Puckett? You pullin' the wool over my eyes?

Woolworth:
[sarcastically] Ha ha, hilarious. You come up with that yourself? That's funny.

Wolf:
[gives a cold glare to Woolworth] You're looking pretty tasty.

Woolworth:
Why do you have to be like that? All I know is that the old lady lives up high in the hills. Not a lot of visitors.

Wolf:
Except the little girl.

Woolworth:
The word in the herd is that she's been known to take the cable car up the mountain.

Wolf:
Cable car?

[Wolf and Twitchy are following the cable car up the mountain from the woods below]

Wolf:
Those sheep made me hungry. After this, we're grabbing a bite.

Twitchy:
Sounds good, sounds good.

[Wolf pulls out a radar gun, and starts scanning his surroundings. He picks up random wildlife noises - a bleating mountain goat, some croaking frogs, and also some German yodeling. Then...]

Voice 1:
I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call her? Should I-

Voice 2:
Well she's keeping her options open. Seeing other people probably, you should do the same.

Voice 1:
Shh. Up there.

[The camera angle changes to show the tip of the Wolf's dish hovering over two caterpillars on a leaf]

Caterpillar:
Do you mind?

Wolf:
[embarrassed] Ooh. Sorry. [He aims his radar gun back at the cable car's cabin and continues walking, eventually picking up voices]

Boingo's voice:
Hey, you deliver up this far?

Red's voice:
[unintelligible due to static] ...but I was thinking of.....the Muffin Man.....Granny's recipes.....an evil plan.....to shut down everyone in the forest. [Wolf lowers his radar]

Wolf:
I knew it. She's working for the old lady. Twitchy?

[Twitchy climbs onto a tree branch, at which point Red falls out of the car. He starts taking pictures of her up until she crashes through his branch, hits several more branches, and lands on the ground]

Wolf:
[deadpan, into tape recorder] Ouch. [As Red discovers a footprint, Twitchy swallows his camera. The extra weight causes him to fall from his branch and snap a through-the-mouth flash photo of Red]

Wolf:
[facepalms] Ugh. [Steps out from his hiding place. Red gasps] Afternoon.

Red:
Hello.

Wolf:
So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now. [Twitchy hides behind his boss and coughs up his camera] Yep, gravity's working.....So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? Are you taking the goodies to someone in particular? [Twitchy disassembles the camera and starts checking individual parts for damage]

Red:
Uhhh... my granny. [Twitchy sprays a small amount of cleaning solution under his armpits]

Wolf:
Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?

Red:
You ask a lot of questions, mister! [Twitchy winds up the camera]

Wolf:
Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.

Red:
I'd rather you didn't. [At that precise moment, Wolf's tail gets caught in the camera and he screams in pain. Red screams and she runs away. He looks at his tail, embarrassed]

Wolf:
I mean, please! Come back here! [turns to Twitchy] What are you doing?!

Twitchy:
Sorry! I was just winding! I didn't- Your tail was-

Wolf:
Come on! We're gonna lose her!

[Wolf has overtaken Red by taking a taxi cab]

Wolf:
[into his tape recorder] Suspect is approaching on foot, stolen recipes in basket. I'm about to catch her red-handed. [steps out from behind the tree he is using as cover when Red gets close; she gasps and freezes] Hand over the basket!

[Red raises a pepper spray can and sprays him in the eyes]

Red:
Hi-yah! [She starts kicking and punching him. Midway through, we cut back to Wolf's present day interview]

Flippers:
[incredulous] So, you really took a beating, from a little girl?

Wolf:
Hey.

[Cuts to Red, standing next to a photo of herself in her martial arts uniform, with the caption "Red Puckett:
Forest Regional Karate Champion". Meanwhile....]

Red:
HIIII-YAH!! [spin-kicks Wolf, causing him to fall on his back, then takes off]

Wolf:
Come back here, you little brat! [As Twitchy runs, trying to catch up, the Wolf chases Red's cape, not noticing that it is actually being flown by hummingbirds. When he grabs it, he finds it empty, and the camera whips back to reveal him frozen in mid-air past the edge of a cliff] Okay. Not cool.

[Falls and screams into the freezing water below]

Wolf:
[floating away, and noticing Red standing on the cliff above him] You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you and you little granny too! [He sees a fisherman on the river bank looking at him intently]

Fisherman:
Hmm. That's fishy.

Wolf:
What?! They're evil! I'll prove it!

[Wolf is drying off on a log when Twitchy hobbles up, panting, and collapses]

Twitchy:
So can we eat?

Wolf:
Sure! You hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? 'Cause that's what's for lunch.

Twitchy:
Well, what do we do?

Wolf:
We go right to the source. We've gotta get to Granny's before the kid does. [Boingo appears]

Boingo:
Is it a surprise?

Wolf:
Excuse me?

Boingo:
You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. I mean, is it her birthday, or what is it? Is there some kind of shim dig, 'cause I'm great at parties! Watch me pull myself out of a hat! [forcefully scratches his right ear against his head]

Wolf:
Yeah. Big surprise party. You know how to get there?

Boingo:
Oh, yeah! Yeah! In fact, I know a shortcut.

Wolf:
[to Twitchy, incredulous] You hear that? He knows a shortcut.

Boingo:
You go over the woods and through the river... no, you don't wanna go through the river. You'll get all wet.

Wolf:
You see, Twitchy, you get lemons, you make lemonade.

[Cuts to Wolf and Twitchy walking in ankle-deep water through a dark tunnel; Twitchy turns on his camera light]

Wolf:
And then that lemonade goes bitter, and ferments, and turns to pig-swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy.

Twitchy:
Sure thing, boss! Never trust a bunny!

Wolf:
Well the bright side is at least I finally dried off. [immediately falls into a small hole, soaking his hoodie and bringing the water up to his waist] Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless. Not to mention he wrote the directions on an Easter Egg... [holds up a brightly colored Easter Egg with illegible handwriting and a tiny map scribbled on the side] ...which is very hard to read.

Twitchy:
Oh, we're gonna die in here!

Wolf:
Come on, that's what they said at the Alamo!

[Wolf and Twitchy have boarded a mine cart]

Wolf:
Now this is a shortcut! [A loud rumble is heard as their cart runs along the mountainside]

Twitchy:
What's that? Sounds like an avalanche!

Wolf:
Well Twitchy, that's natural. It's just Old Man Mountain showing us who's boss.

[The cart enters a tunnel]

Twitchy:
Hey lookie-lookie, I found this box of candles! A big box!

Wolf:
Box of candles? Light 'em up! [Twitchy lights one, and holds up.... a stick of dynamite with a sparking fuse] Wow that's nice and bright. What kind of candles are those?

Twitchy:
[looks at the print on the side] Uh, DEE-NA-MEE-TAY. Hmm, must be Italian.

Wolf:
AH! Lose the candle! [wrestles with Twitchy for the stick, which falls, rolls, and ignites every single stick of dynamite stored in the back. The Wolf yelps and starts rapidly throwing sticks behind the cart as they exit the tunnel onto a trestle. The sticks hit the track and explode, and Wolf pulls the emergency brake, bringing the cart to a stop at the bottom. As they come to their senses, another cart goes off the truncated track end behind them with a loud scream]

Wolf:
You hear something?

Twitchy:
Hmmm?

Wolf:
Huh. Come on, let's get to Granny's.

[Wolf and Twitchy arrive at Granny's cottage]

Wolf:
[knocks on door] Hello! Paper boy. Publishers. Uh, candygram! [He opens the door, finding it unlocked]

Twitchy:
Huh, whadda we do, boss? [Wolf sees a cardboard cutout of Granny and is repulsed]

Wolf:
[narrating] Lucky for me, Granny keeps a lot of her merchandise around the cottage. Disguise was the only way of catching this girl in the act of smuggling. [He dons a plastic face mask and apron]

Wolf:
[falsetto voice] Sweetie pie. [Outtake beeps, cut to take 2] Sugar plum! [take 3] Uh, hug your granny, little puddin' pop!

Twitchy:
[bored] Oh....

Wolf:
[lifts up the mask] Ooh! Boy, that's hot. OK, change of plans, you can be Granny.

[There is a loud knock on the door]

Twitchy:
She's coming! [The Wolf throws him in a side closet, where Granny is bound and gagged]

Red's voice:
[coming from the foyer] Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?

Wolf:
[pulls down the mask] Oh, oh, yeah, sure thing. Come on in.

Chief Grizzly:
Pretty thin, Wolf! [Cut back to the present day] You say the old lady was already tied up! How did that happen?!

Wolf:
I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news, Chief! I don't make it.

Red:
For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job. [rolls her eyes]

Wolf:
: What can I say? I was raised by wolves. [Cuts to a picture of the Wolf's family portrait]

Chief Grizzly:
You got a way to back this up? [Twitchy appears]

Twitchy:
I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!

Flippers:
That so? Let's have a look... [examines the photos] Hmmm... these are good... Ha... [shows picture of Wolf mounted in a fish costume] Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.

Twitchy:
I wanna do an expose' sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, 'course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a chi tea/latte book.

Flippers:
Photos don't lie, Chief. [Grizzly growls in frustration]

Wolf:
Good work, Twitchy.

[Flippers has Kirk brought in to be interviewed; Kirk hits his head on the doorway coming into the room]

Flippers:
My, my. You're a big fellow. Shop at the Big and Tall store?

Kirk Kirkendall:
This is a big and tall mistake! I would not hurt a butterfly!

Det. Stork:
[slams Kirk's pick axe down in front of him] Then what's this?! A letter opener?!

Chief Grizzly:
Yeah that's a funny accent you got there, choppy.

Kirk:
I can do the Cowboy accent. [cowboy accent] "Howdy, partner!"

Flippers:
Indeed you can. Say, before you ride off into the sunset, you think you could rustle us up some information?

[Kirk returns to his truck and finds it vandalized]

Kirk:
What the schnitzel? My schnitzel truck, it's been... [sputters] They stole everything!

[The kids he was entertaining begin to leave]

Boingo:
Oh, that's too bad. [the children part to reveal Boingo, holding Red's carrot crumpet] It's not easy being in the goody business these days, huh?

Kirk:
I'm getting schnitzeled left and right today! I cannot even sell the bunion cream! Now I'm gonna lose my job!

Boingo:
Well chin up, mister! Maybe some day, somebody will open up a great big goody shop, and we can all work for that little guy.

[Kirk is falling through the trees]

Kirk:
Sorry little birds!

[A tree with a populated bird's nest on it falls; one branch nearly hits two turtles]

Turtle:
RUN! [he and his mate start inching along with strained necks]