Major Payne

Major Payne:
What we've got here is a failure to communicate.

Major Payne:
Let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you ALL something: war has made me very PARANOID! and when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to KILL!

Major Payne:
Maybe what he need is for you to pop your titty out his mouth and let the boy grow up.

Emily:
Excuse me, what did you say?

Major Payne:
I didn't stutter, I said pop-your-titty-out-his-mouth AND STOP BABYING HIM.

Emily:
I don't call it babying, I call it nurturing.

Major Payne:
And I call it neutering.

Emily:
And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, edictorial, ego maniacal, frigid lunatic A**HOLE!

Major Payne:
I ain't frigid.

Major Payne:
From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me.

Major Payne:
Got no worry, got no stress!

Major Payne:
'Cause we feel good in a dress.

Major Payne:
Major Payne's a major diss.

Major Payne:
He makes us squat when we piss.

Major Payne:
Got no worries, got no care.

Major Payne:
I'm just a bald headed son of a b*tch without hair.

Major Payne:
I tell ya, ladies, you're the prettiest cadets under my command. I oughta change my name to Pimp Daddy Payne.

Major Payne:
One! Don't you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you into the ground.

Major Payne:
You're still a sh*t sandwich. You're just not a soggy one. From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!

Major Payne:
Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.

Alex Stone:
Try it.

Cadet Alex Stone:
What about family and unity and all that other bullshit you said?

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
I never said family don't break up. Don't you watch Oprah?

Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn:
Boo hoo!

Major Payne:
What?

Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn:
I have to go to the bathroom!

Major Payne:
You hold it, turd!

Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn:
I can't!

Major Payne:
You hold it or else I'll break it off and kick it around on the ground!

Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn:
Major Payne!

Major Payne:
What, boy? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn:
I did something bad.

Major Payne:
You nasty little worm. Go change your Huggies, boy!

Major Payne:
You eye me one more time I'll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag!

Major Payne:
What's your damage, muscle head? You stupid? You ignorant or are you just plain old deaf?

Woliger:
Actually, sir, he is deaf.

Major Payne:
Oh, thank you now drop down and give me 25 more for speaking out of line!

Major Payne:
I'm sorry Mr. Handicapped Man. Do you understand sign language? Can you read lips? Well if you don't answer me when I speak to you, I'm gonna put my foot in your ass, is that clear dummy?

Cadet Fox:
Sir, Yes sir!

Major Payne:
Nope, but I can cream your colon quicker than one of them burrito with extra guacamole sauce!

Woliger:
Achoo!

Major Payne:
What the hell was that you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?

Woliger:
No, sir.

Major Payne:
Then you hold it before I kick your ass back to Mayberry.

Major Payne:
From now on, you will not eat, sleep, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say! Killin'is my business, ladies, and business is good!

Major Payne:
Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. What beanstalk you fall from?

Major Payne:
If he ain't dead, he ain't happy!

Emily:
He's trying to show you some affection.

Major Payne:
I don't like it. It makes me feel all funny.

Cadet Williams:
Payne's not here, he's in our a**!

Cadet Williams:
Butt's so tight he can't pass gas!

Cadet Williams:
Sound off!

Cadet Williams:
Sound off!

Cadet Williams:
Break it on down! Break it on down!

Major Payne:
You like to rhyme, boy?

Major Payne:
Heh, heh, heh!

Major Payne:
Maybe I like you.

Emily:
Just like?

Major Payne:
Maybe I like you a lot.

Emily:
That's it?

Major Payne:
Don't push the "maybes", baby.

Major Payne:
Who's the person that got me this blood on this lip? Who's responsible? Don't all run at once. Maybe no one's responsible. I just had it comin'!

Cadet Dotson:
Let's go, let's go, giddyup, let's ride!

Alex Stone:
What happened to knocking first, Dotson?

Cadet Dotson:
You a**holes don't need to worry about that.

Major Payne:
You like the way I handled them white folks back there?

Cadet Williams:
Yeah.

Major Payne:
You like a black man to handle things?

Cadet Williams:
Malcolm X.

Major Payne:
Let me tell you something... I AM NOT YOUR DAMN BROTHER!

Emily:
Here. I want you to read this book. Read it. Apply it.

Major Payne:
The ABC's Of Being A Positive Male Role Model?

Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn:
Major Payne wiped out the enemy with extreme prejudice!

Major Payne:
One, tubby, tubby! Two, tubby, tubby!

Major Payne:
Ain't no need for name-callin'!

Major Payne:
I surprised you ain't dropped 'bout 12 puppies by now. Ain't you never been married?

Emily:
Yeah, I was.

Major Payne:
What happened? You terminate his command?

Emily:
No, actually he left. I wanted children, he didn't.

Major Payne:
Major Payne reporting for duty, SIR!

Dr. Phillips:
Whaaat?

Major Payne:
Tomorrow ladies, we gonna' start the hard stuff.

Heathcoat:
The *hard* stuff?

Heathcoat:
Why do I have to wear the dress?

Alex Stone:
Because you are the one with the biggest tits!

Heathcoat:
SHUT UP!

Dr. Phillips:
You're in charge of the green boys

Major Payne:
Come again?

Dr. Phillips:
The green boys... they wear those green 'tings. You know what's funny, when they stand in front of the bushes... I can't see them!

Major Payne:
I guess I just had that one a comin' Well you know what ya'll got a comin'? Seven twenty-three hour days of fun and adventure. I'm gonna make you boys strong!

Major Payne:
Killing is my business, and business is GOOOOOOOD!

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
Be advised, ladies, we are going to WIN the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on the word WIN: Whisky! India! November! GET USED TO THE SOUND OF THAT WORD!

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
A squad that lives together, wins together! UNITY, turds: that is the key word in UNIT, without the "Y!"

Major Payne:
If you want sympathy, look in the dictionary between sh*t and Syphis

Major Payne:
I am not your damn brother!

Boy I'm 2 seconds from being on you like white on rice on a paper plate with a glass of milk in the snow storm.

us ladies all think its fair

Im ust a bald son of a b*tch without hair

[Marine has been wounded]

Marine Private:
AHHHH my arm, my arm!

Major Payne:
Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm?

[Marine nods and Payne grabs the private's pinky finger]

Major Payne:
Now you might feel a little pressure.

[Major Payne breaks the Marine's pinky]

Marine Private:
AUGGGGH! My finger, my finger!

Major Payne:
Works every time.

[Major Payne has captured a South American drug lord and is holding a gun to his head. Drug lord's underlings all point their weapons at Major Payne]

Drug Lord{laughing}:
You'd better give up, señor. You cannot kill us all!

[Major Payne grabs drug lord's pistol with his other hand and points it at the butt of the drug lord]

Major Payne:
Nope, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra gucamole sauce!

[The entire drug cartel surrenders to Major Payne]

General Decker:
At ease, Payne. Relax. Do you know why you're here?

Major Payne:
Sir, no, sir.

General Decker:
The promotion board report came out last week. This is the new Lt. Col. list, your name's not on it. You get two chances to advance, then we have to show you the hatch. Basic man is cutting you discharge orders right now

Major Payne:
General, are you telling me that in this man's military is there no room for trained weapon of destruction?

General Decker:
Fighting is no longer being done out on the battlefields. Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress, boys like us are becoming dinosaurs.

Major Payne:
There's got to be somebody who needs some killing.

General Decker:
Sorry, Major. There's nobody left. You've killed them all.

[Major Payne is in jail when General Decker visits him. After motioning him to use the phone handle on his prison side the two face each other.]

General Decker:
Payne, what happened? You've only been out one week.

Major Payne:
It's civilian life, sir. I had a minor setback.

General Decker:
Listen, I've made some calls and I have an assignment for you. It's not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military.

[Payne smiles at the thought of being back in the military unaware that the assignment Decker is taking about will take him to Madison school.]

Major Payne:
[Addressing the Madison Cadets] My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne. As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer.

Cadets:
Boo. Booooooooo!

[Payne has fired rounds from his pistol that gets the cadets' attention.]

Major Payne:
[Lowering his pistol] I see what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to valid my authority! I have 8 weeks to turn you gaggling maggots into a well-discipline unit. From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say so. Know this, killing is my business, ladies, and business is good!

[The entire students of Madison Preparatory School are seen laughing at the Madison Corps running in dresses as a form of punishment for trying to get Payne fired and charged as a child molester.]

Major Payne:
Got no worries, got no stress.

Cadets:
Got no worries got no stress.

Major Payne:
Cause we feel good in our dress.

Cadets:
Cause we feel good in our dress.

Major Payne:
Major Payne's a major diss.

Cadets:
Major Payne's a major diss.

Major Payne:
He makes us squat when we piss.

Cadets:
He makes us squat when we piss.

Major Payne:
Got no worries, got no care.

Cadets:
Got no worries, got no care.

Major Payne:
I'm a bald-headed son of a b*tch without hair.

Cadets:
I'm a bald-headed son of a b*tch without hair.

Major Payne:
Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann.

Cadets:
Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann.

Major Payne:
Got to earn my right to be called a man.

Cadets:
Got to earn my right to be called a man.

[The students continue laughing at the Madison Corps whom are running around in dresses. Payne addresses the boys.]

Major Payne:
I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command!

Student:
Their pantyhose is falling down.

Major Payne:
Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee!

Emily:
Major! What are the boys doing in those dresses?

Major Payne:
They're putting on a fashion show.

Emily:
[angry] I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative re-enforcement.

[Tiger is convinced the Boogeyman is hiding in his closet]

Major Payne:
[Facing closet] He in there? [Tiger nods; Payne unloads several rounds into the closet] If he's still in there he ain't happy!

[Tiger excitedly runs out into the hallway and looks at Emily]

Tiger:
Major Payne just terminated that Bad man with extreme prejudice! And if he's still in there, he ain't happy!

Major Payne:
Here I got somethin' for ya. [puts a piece of metal in Emily's hand]

Emily:
What is it?

Major Payne:
A bullet. It's somethin' special. It's from my heart.

Emily:
Really? Well, where did you get it?

Major Payne:
From my heart, left ventricle; took it out myself with a field knife.

[the entire Madison Squad is collected after their brawl with Wellington and former Madison cadet, Dotson, whom Williams knock out cold as retribution to injuring Alex.]

Lt. Col. at the Games:
This is unsatisfactory. I demand the entire Madison Squad be disqualified from the final competition.

Col. Braggart:
Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance.

Lt. Col. at the Games:
That's not enough. Look at them, these animals are so pathetic that even their own commander didn't even show up.

[Just then Major Payne arrives on the scene]

Major Payne:
Ain't no need for name calling.

[Stone and Williams look at Major Payne. Emily walks out of the Madison tent as he walks over to the stand to be with the Madison Cadets]

Col. Braggart:
Major Payne, what are you doing here? I was told you were away on an important assignment.

Major Payne:
What could be more important than having my boys winning this here competition? I suggest we get this party started. Is that OK with you Col.?

Col. Braggart:
Cadets I'm pleased to announce the top two rated squads that will compete for first and second place in the Parade Drill Competition. Wellington Academy and Madison Academy.

[The Lt. Col. put his hands in his face in embarrassment, as he had hope to have disqualified Madison for the brawl with Wellington and was stopped by Major Payne]

I said hold it, or I'll break it off and kick it around on the ground.

Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.

Major Payne:
[Grabs the arm of Alex's stepdad mid-swing] You hit that boy again, Im'ma do more than salute you.

Alex's Stepdad:
This is between me and my son.

Alex:
Stepson!

Major Payne:
Whoever he is, he's on my time now.

[Alex's stepdad, clearly in a drunken stupor, takes several attempted swings at Major Payne, who easily dodges them and knocks him down to the ground.]

Major Payne:
Now, Im'ma ask you nicely: please, return to your vehicle. You go on now.

[Alex's stepdad leaves in humiliation. Major Payne turns to Alex, now having a newfound respect for him.]

Major Payne:
Go on back to your bunk, son.

Major Payne:
[After being discharged from the Marines] It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man. And already I'm startin' to get the itch. Problem is I got nothin' to scratch. God, I'm hungry. Hungry for action, hungry for blood. Hell, I'm just plain ol' hungry. Feel like I'm gettin' weaker, while Charlie's gettin' stronger in the jungle. Gotta maintain discipline; gotta keep up my strength! 'Cause the hard reality is, I gotta get a job.

Major Payne:
Know this about me, Private Ass-Eyes! War has made me very paranoid! And when a man gets to eyeballing me, it makes my Agent Orange act up; and I get the urge to kill. Do not aggravate my condition!

Major Payne:
Move it, turds! You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, you look in the dictionary between spit and syphilis! That's where you'll find my sympathy!

Major Payne:
You're still a sh*t sandwich... you're just not a soggy one. I will no longer refer to you as turds. From this day forward, you will be called maggots!

Major Payne:
[To Emily about being married] Negative. I figure if the marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd of issued me one.

Major Payne:
[To the squad, while watching them all run wearing dresses] I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command! Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee!

Major Payne:
[While confronting a blind kid with his dog] You know there ain't no pets allowed on this here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.

Major Payne:
Hey Corporal. [Payne's adopted son, Tiger steps out in front and faces him] Go tell Mom to get my field knife.

Major Payne:
[To a hulking biker dude, whom the squad hired to muss him up] I heard tell your mother's so fat, she uses planets for billiard balls.

Major Payne:
[Introducing the squad to their new barracks] A squad that lives together, wins together! "Unity", turds; that is the key word in "unit", without the "Y"!

Major Payne:
Know this, pukes: We are going to win the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on win! Whiskey! India! November! GET USED TO HEARING THAT WORD!

Major Payne:
That's one death warning sign, any more volunteers? What about YOU, brown nose?