Mallrats

Rene:
What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.

Brodie:
Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

Shannon Hamilton:
That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna f*** you up beyond repair.

Brodie:
Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.

Gil Hicks:
What... like the back of a Volkswagen?

Jay:
Is he gone?

Brodie:
Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.

Jay:
Man, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog...

Brodie:
Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.

T.S. Quint:
How do I do that?

Brodie:
I took you shopping all the time!

Rene:
You took me where you went shopping, you jerk ! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest godzilla bootlegs ? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out ? Do I give a sh*t what two comic labels are crossing over characters, Selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers ? I'm a girl, damn it ! I wanna do girly things!

Brodie:
You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know sh*t?

Jay:
Where do you get these wonderful toys?

Silent Bob:
Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things.

Brodie:
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

Brodie:
I would've made a sexy chick.

Brodie:
My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".

T.S. Quint:
She said that?

Brodie:
All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.

Brodie:
You f***ers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some sh*t?

Brodie:
The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.

T.S. Quint:
You're such an anal retentive bastard.

Brodie:
Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but oh no. You wanted to play little league.

T.S. Quint:
But they're engaged.

Brodie:
Doesn't matter, can't happen.

T.S. Quint:
Why not? It's bound to come up.

Brodie:
It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?

T.S. Quint:
Sure, why not?

Brodie:
He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.

T.S. Quint:
How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court?

Brodie:
Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.

T.S. Quint:
Of course it is.

Brodie:
The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.

T.S. Quint:
The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.

Brodie:
Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside, of said designated sqaure, counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if your going to wax intellectual about the subject...

Brandi:
Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?

Brodie:
Wait, what's whoopee?

Brandi:
You know, being intimate.

Brodie:
What? Like f***ing?

Jay:
Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the f***ing Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, f***in' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie:
Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Brodie:
One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat. I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

Brandi:
Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?

Brodie:
I already did once today.

Brodie:
But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, *Snap* the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

Gil Hicks:
Well, did he cum, or what?

Brodie:
Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public.

Shannon Hamilton:
You wanna say something?

Brodie:
Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand it all.

Jay:
What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing that lesbian sh*t.

Brodie:
I love the smell of commerce in the morning.

Brandi:
Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?

Gil Hicks:
Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.

Brodie:
That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

T.S. Quint:
How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?

Brodie:
Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.

Gil Hicks:
Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.

Brodie:
Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?

Brodie:
T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her Trish "the dish".

Tricia Jones:
Nobody calls me that.

Jay:
Come to me, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod. Snootchie-bootchies.

Brodie:
You two are retarded for each other.

Brodie:
Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.

T.S. Quint:
Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.

Brodie:
I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.

Brodie:
Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like 'BJ and the Bear.' Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.

Stan Lee:
I think you need to get your friend some help. He seems to be obsessed with super hero sex organs.

T.S. Quint:
You should see yourself right now - a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie:
Yeah, I probably look like my old man.

Jay:
Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and sh*t.The mother f***er's like MacGyver. No, the mother f***er's *better than* MacGyver.

Brodie:
You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".

T.S. Quint:
That wasn't me. It was you.

Brodie:
Oh, yeah.

T.S. Quint:
And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.

Brodie:
No wonder the b*tch went down so fast.

Jay:
Dude, this one looks like your mom.

Jay:
First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back at humping your mom last night. Neetch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berzerk style, and knock out the f***in' pin and bickety bam, the motherf***er is rubble. Hence, no game show.

T.S. Quint:
Jesus, how much did you smoke?

Jay:
All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.

T.S. Quint:
How much do I owe you?

Jay:
My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.

T.S. Quint:
Let's hope there is a next time.

Jay:
Dude, you the mad chick magnet.

Brodie:
Hey, look at that ring. What is that?

Jared Svenning:
That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, '69.

Brodie:
I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.

Brodie:
There is something out there that can help us ease our simultanious double loss

T.S. Quint:
What? Ritual suicide?

Brodie:
No, you idiot, the f***ing mall

T.S. Quint:
I prefer ritual suicide

Brodie:
Oh come on man it'll be great they have these new cookies at the cookie stand you have to try 'em they're awesome

Jay:
Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens.

Brodie:
But you've had a lot of girls, right?

Stan Lee:
Oh yeah. Mick Jagger and I had a running tally going. Last I checked I was way ahead.

T.S. Quint:
I was going to propose to her.

Brodie:
Where?

T.S. Quint:
The Universal Tour.

Brodie:
You're kidding. What part?

T.S. Quint:
When Jaws popped out of the water.

Brodie:
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

T.S. Quint:
Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.

Tricia Jones:
I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want ROMANCE, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride...

Brodie:
Hey, now, be fair. EVERYONE wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Brodie:
Most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass - or sticking my hand in it.

Brodie:
Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.

Shannon Hamilton:
Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those f***ing mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you f***ing live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.

Brodie:
Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?

Shannon Hamilton:
Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's f***ing clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.

Brodie:
If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.

Shannon Hamilton:
You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to f*** them some place very uncomfortable.

Brodie:
What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Shannon Hamilton:
No. More like someplace girls dread.

T.S. Quint:
I got to hit the bathroom.

Brodie:
PLEASE. Don't say "hit".

Brodie:
Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.

T.S. Quint:
Neither does any self-respecting consumer.

Ivannah:
Free your minds.

Brodie:
I'd like to free something...

T.S. Quint:
Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"

Shannon Hamilton:
Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay.

Shannon Hamilton:
The customer is always an a**hole!

Brodie:
Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

T.S. Quint:
You're nothin' but a lot of talk and a badge.

Brodie:
She Ryu'd my arse from Ken to E.Honda

Brodie:
You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--

Rene:
Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over to my house and left it there.

Brodie:
Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.

Rene:
For what?

Brodie:
For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--

Rene:
Brodie, Brodie--

Brodie:
--or a boat show--

Rene:
Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". When we were at that hotel prom night and you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral when you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your sh*t with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious f***ing disappointment.

[in elevator]

Brodie:
What the hell gives at the cover boy?

Rene:
None of your damn business, [slaps Brodie with shopping bag] but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.

Brodie:
Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?

Rene:
Brodie, start the elevator.

Brodie:
No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?

Rene:
Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.

Brodie:
Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!

Rene:
I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!

Brodie:
Here you are now, a legend in the field, probably had a slew of woman since her. Am I right?

Stan Lee:
Oh, lots of women. Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. As a matter of fact, last time I looked I was way ahead.

Brodie:
Damn, that's hot!

Brodie:
Look, if I have any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.

T.S.:
Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.

Brodie:
I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.

T.S.:
What is your problem? I don't understand

[Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]

T.S.:
Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't even know it was you.--

Gwen:
You f***er!

[In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]

Brodie:
See, that's what you get for f***ing with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Sorry , Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.

Gwen:
He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?

Brodie:
I'm not glowing. All right!

[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]

T.S.:
What's he doing?

Jay:
Sh*t Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy f*** thinks he can levitate sh*t with his thoughts.

[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]

Jay:
Knock it off.

Brodie:
The Force is strong with this one.

Jay:
Dude, don't encourage him.

Brodie:
So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.

Jay:
What is this sh*t? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about her video setup.

Brodie:
Why him?

Jay:
Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and sh*t. Motherf***er's like McGyver--no, motherf***er's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!

Brodie:
[regarding Mr. Svenning] After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.

T.S.:
How do you propose I do that?

Brodie:
You stinkpalm him.

T.S.:
What's a stinkpalm?

Brodie:
You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.

T.S.:
You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie:
Yeah I probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"

T.S.:
What's the point?

Brodie:
You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.

T.S.:
Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like sh*t.

Brodie:
Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

Jay:
You're f***ing kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!

Brodie:
All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.

Jay:
He's f***ing dead!

Brodie:
Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.

[T.S. and Gwen approach them]

T.S.:
What the hell happened?

Jay:
The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.

Brodie:
I had it coming.

Jay:
F*** all that sh*t. Come on, Silent Bob.

[Jay and Silent Bob leave]

T.S.:
What really happened?

Brodie:
The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.

Gwen:
Shannon Hamilton?

T.S.:
You know that guy?

Gwen:
I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.

T.S.:
What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brodie:
Sounds like his M.O.

Brodie:
You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

Jay:
Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Brodie:
Really? Why?

Jay:
What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the f***ing Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and f***ing bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie:
Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Brandi:
Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Gill:
Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.

Brodie:
Where do you come up with this sh*t?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!

Gill:
Who the hell did you see me kiss?

Brodie:
Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.

Gill:
I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.

Brodie:
Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homo-phobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?

Gill:
I don't hate gay people!

Brodie:
So you love them?

Gill:
Yes! I mean, no.

Brodie:
Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

[the videotape of Shannon having sex with Tricia is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]

Shannon:
Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Please don't go.

Jay:
God damn, this is one wacky game show.

Brodie:
[to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!

[cops focus their attention on Shannon]

Shannon:
Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! [as he is being arrested] Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

Jay:
[referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro.