Midnight Screenings

Brad Jones:
[Referring to Die Hard 5] Sucked! Bye!

Brad Jones:
[refering again to Die Hard 5] In a film series of good movies, this is one of the worst movies I've ever f***ing seen.

Jake Norvell:
The fact that Larry the Cable Guy is alive proves that the hitman I hired sucks.

Brad Jones:
I'm just gonna venture and say that this is one of the worst goddamn f***ing movies that I've ever f***ing seen in a movie theater.

Violet Rinorea:
I feel like this is my current punishment for saying that "Scouts Guide" was one of the worst movies I've ever seen in a theater.

Brad Jones:
This movie is like if "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" f***ed the sh*t out of "From Justin to Kelly" and then squeezed out something stillborn that was directed by the director of "Space Mutiny".

Brad Jones:
Well, good news... it's still The Shining.

Brian Lewis:
Yay!

[discussing Room 237]

Brian Lewis:
For thoe of you who haven't seen it, it's a documentary about The Shining, in which crazy people talk crazy sh*t, and...

Brad Jones:
Like it's all got to do with the moon landing and sh*t like that.

Brian Lewis:
Oh, this wasn't, yeah, it's... one guy firmly believes that The Shining, uh, Kubrick didn't want to film The Shining because he wanted to make an adaptation of a book. He filmed it because he wanted an excuse to reveal that he was actually the one who filmed the, uh, the faked moon landing footage. Uh, there's people who believe that it has to do with, like, the whole thing is, like, a, uh, like a metaphor for the Holocaust...

Brad Jones:
Well, obviously.

Brian Lewis:
Uh, there are... well, yeah, because it's a German typewriter.

Brad Jones:
Oh, of course!

Brian Lewis:
You've seen Schindler's List.

Brad Jones:
[laughing] you don't have to tell me this sh*t; I get it. God, I want Buzz Aldrin to punch these people in the face.

Brad Jones:
You guys' movie seemed a little crowded.

David Gobble:
It's not that it was crowded, it's that the five people in there all weighed 400 f***ing pounds. Mass does not equal population, Brad.

[first lines]

Brad Jones:
That theater smelled like old people.

David Gobble:
It certainly f***ing did.

David Gobble:
It was one beaten woman away from a Lifetime movie.

Brad Jones:
Greg Kinnear gives a great performance in this.

David Gobble:
Oh yeah. Greg Kinnear's a great actor. He really is.

Brad Jones:
Yeah, but I want my "Auto Focus" Greg Kinnear back, goddamnit!

David Gobble:
I kept waiting for him to start f***ing, you know, just prostitutes!

Brad Jones:
Well, his wife was kinky as sh*t in the movie! The first half hour, about every other line she had had something to do with her banging him! Like, when he's, at one point, when the kid, he says to the wife, like, "Uh, Colton says, like, he heard an angel singing." Her line is, "Was he just hearing us in the shower?" What?

[laughing]

Brad Jones:
Alright, settle down, "Two and a Half Men!" Jesus Christ! I realize the jokes in this movie are very sitcom-y, which they are. There's a lot of sitcom jokes in this f***ing thing.

[reading Colton Burpo's tweets]

David Gobble:
"God has a fire sword."

Brad Jones:
Did he just go see Noah? Has a sword of fire! Sweet!

David Gobble:
"Because of what I have seen, I am always ready to die."

Brad Jones:
Uh, so is, I, uh... I'm with Sarah. This kid's gonna murder us all!

David Gobble:
"I am just a normal kid. I love football and Minecraft, and I have met Christ."

Brad Jones:
[snorts] Okay.

David Gobble:
"God will claim all his children."

Brad Jones:
Man, again! You say that in John Malkovich's voice... goddamnit! This reads like a parody account, but it's not!

David Gobble:
"As he must come for all of us, heaven babies are forever babies."

Brad Jones:
That's horrifying! I don't think Heaven is like being stuck on, like, the worst airline ever!

David Gobble:
"I will make them believe."

Brad Jones:
What does that mean? Goddamnit, what does that mean?

David Gobble:
"I am not afraid of what I am becoming."

Brad Jones:
Don't give this kid guns. Please.

David Gobble:
"You have no concept of what seeing God does to a human mind."

Brad Jones:
I'm starting to see what it does to a human mind!

David Gobble:
One day ago, he tweeted, "I know how the world ends!"

Brad Jones:
Well, why don't you tell us! That should be the first thing that you say! You know, this story's getting a lot more elaborate every time he says it! I would've lead with "I know how the world ends." If you know how the world ends, who don't you tell us?

David Gobble:
"Even in heaven, the wounds of Jesus bleed. They forever bleed."

Brad Jones:
So Heaven is for real; they just don't have any band-aids.

David Gobble:
"Mom says I came back different." This is amazing!

Brad Jones:
[breaks out into laughter]

David Gobble:
"In Heaven, every bed is a racecar bed."

Brad Jones:
Okay, that I believe. You know what, he's finally f***ing won me over. I believe that.

Brad Jones:
This movie won't be around as long as the f***ing Oscar contenders so go see this sh*t! Yeah! Bring friends! Bring drugs! Bring booze!

David Gobble:
Oh, yeah. I really wish I was half-lit for this movie.

Brad Jones:
Yeah, me too. I'm gonna come back lit to go see this sh*t. F*** yeah!

[first lines]

Brad Jones:
And there wasn't any soup in this one either.

[looks over to David]

David Gobble:
F***ing sucked.

Brad Jones:
What the f*** was that?

David Gobble:
That was f***ing terrible!

Brian Lewis:
Don't listen to these guys. They're haters.

Brad Jones:
Who's this Superman guy? We only know of superhero Clark Kent.

Brian Lewis:
You know, Clark Kent, the alien!

Brad Jones:
Was the point of this scene to be like, "Hey! Well, ya know, 9/11 could have been worse! Superman could've been there!"?

David Gobble:
So, it wasn't that bad, New York. Get over it. That's what Brad's saying.

Brad Jones:
That's not what I said! That's not what I said, you son of a b*tch! Stop saying, stop saying sh*t before the inevitable commenter probably would've said that!

David Gobble:
I'm gonna say this. I gotta get it out of my system. At the end of Batman Returns, I said, "Bullshit!," because Batman doesn't quit.

Brad Jones:
Oh, Dark Knight Rises?

David Gobble:
Dark Knight Rises, yeah. Bullshit, Batman doesn't quit. Superman... doesn't f***ing kill people! He f***ing doesn't do it! He's Superman; he doesn't f***ing do it!

Brian Lewis:
He does now. F***ing does now.

David Gobble:
I don't like movies anymore.

[first lines]

Brad Jones:
[nervous laughter]

Brad Jones:
Hey guys. Well, we finally saw it.

[while climbing over his chair]

Brad Jones:
Don't worry. The movie taught me I can just climb over sh*t.

David Gobble:
These videos in these cars have better f***ing production value.

Brad Jones:
Compared to 'Madea'?

David Gobble:
Alright, 'Madea' was racist. This was just bad. Like, 'Madea' deserves an Oscar in comparison. Although one of the main characters in this movie did Zeig Heil in the first five minutes.

Brad Jones:
I noticed that, too! I was wondering if anyone else noticed that!

Jake Norvell:
He sure did.

David Gobble:
Oh yeah. I think all three of us caught that!

Brad Jones:
Yeah!

David Gobble:
"It's fun to sing in the morning." Zeig Heil!

Brad Jones:
This movie will teach your kid how to get fat, stupid, and lazy.

David Gobble:
And Zeig Heil.

Brad Jones:
And Cary Elwes is playing a mixture of Diedrich Bader, Crispin Glover, a child molester...

David Gobble:
[laughing] -and Nick Nolte!

Brad Jones:
And Gary Busey thrown in there.

Jake Norvell:
A splash of Gary.

Brad Jones:
Yeah, a splash of Gary Busey thrown in there. He is...

Brad Jones:
[puts on a giant, energetic smile]

Brad Jones:
[imitating Cary Elwes as Bobby Wobbly] You like bubbles?

Jake Norvell:
I mean, you're told your entire life, "Now, when you go to a movie theater, you sit down, you shut the f*** up, and you watch the goddamn movie." This thing's telling you, "Stand up, be obnoxious with irritating glowsticks, and dance and sing and act like a f***ing idiot when you're in the middle of a movie theater."

Brad Jones:
There was that weird part with the llama!

Jake Norvell:
Oh, yeah.

Brad Jones:
You leaned over and said that... What was it that you said?

Jake Norvell:
Well, the, when they got to the, the Mexican part, um... they, every little place that they go to has an animal there for some reason. I don't know.

David Gobble:
Um, because the, um, yellow one speaks animal.

Jake Norvell:
Yeah, I don't believe that! Because in that scene...

David Gobble:
They each have little things.

Jake Norvell:
-she goes over to the llama, and starts saying, uh, "Llama, a-llama, llama, llama." And then the llama just cuts him, "I, I, I speak-a the, I speek-a the English."

[laughing]

Jake Norvell:
And I lean over to Brad, it's like, "Is that the equivalent of me going over to a Middle Eastern guy and going, 'Daka! Daka daka daka daka! Haka laka laka!'"

[hysterical laughter]

Jake Norvell:
You look like a complete f***ing idiot! That's racist as sh*t! You assume because she's a llama, she doesn't know any f***ing English?

[hysterical laughter continues]

Jake Norvell:
That's what this movie is teaching these kids!

Brad Jones:
Jamie Pressley wanted to f*** that fish.

David Gobble:
Oh yeah. She wanted to f*** that fish.

Brad Jones:
Klaus?

Brad Jones:
You Like Bubbles?

Brad Jones:
Priest sucked.

[laughing]

Brian Lewis:
[sarcastically] Let's be fair about it.

Brad Jones:
When you have slow-motion shots of people throwing stuff away from the camera, that's when you know it's not a real 3-D movie!

Brad Jones:
"No, Brad! It's okay! You'll like this Molly Shannon character; she's annoying!" Agh! Really? This one? Well, that might work! [pause] F*** Kristen Wiig!

Brad Jones:
Since your movie's about a wedding, did it have a priest in it, too?

Jerrid Foiles:
[laughing]

Jerrid Foiles:
Um, yeah, yeah.

Brad Jones:
I bet you it was no Karl Urban!

[everyone laughs hysterically]

Brian Lewis:
Now wouldn't you feel silly if it actually WAS Karl Urban?

Brad Jones:
[mock sadness] Yes.

[on Kristen Wiig's only partially topless nudity in 'Bridesmaids']

Brad Jones:
Boo.

Brian Lewis:
No tits. Zero stars.

[first lines]

Sarah Lewis:
Pedophilia.

Sarah Lewis:
So he's in Math class, and his teacher's like, "You're in for detention," and then he comes in for detention... and it's the creepiest "seducing a 12-year-old" scene... and it's obvious they're trying to play it for laughs, but it was making me a little bit nauseous. This kid...

Jake Norvell:
It's pedophilia!

Sarah Lewis:
-looked like, he was a twelve-year-old, and there was this, like, twenty-five-year-old seeing all, like, "I need to see you after class," and like takes him in the back room, and there are these sex noises.

[awkward pause]

Sarah Lewis:
So he gets his teacher pregnant, and flash-forward to like twenty-something years later. Adam Sandler is in big trouble with the IRS. He needs a certain amount of cash money, and so he's gonna go hit up his son for money, like, he's gonna get him to be on the Jerry Springer sort of show thing.

[long pause]

Sarah Lewis:
I'm just so tired. This movie gave me a headache.

[pause]

Jake Norvell:
My chest hurts.

Sarah Lewis:
[giggles] I feel, I feel faint.

Jake Norvell:
Like, I honestly think... I'm like, I'm, I'm coming, Elizabeth.

Sarah Lewis:
[laughs] it's the big one.

Jake Norvell:
[exasperated] This, this is the big one.

Sarah Lewis:
[on the actor hired to play young Adam Sandler] I'm still convinced that was a little girl.

Jake Norvell:
Well then that makes that just a little bit f***ing creepier, doesn't it?

Sarah Lewis:
Oh, God!

Jake Norvell:
Thank you for putting that image in my head.

Sarah Lewis:
You're welcome. No, it was, it was what it was. It was, "Ha ha ha, pedophilia."

Jake Norvell:
No! No it was not, "Ha ha ha, pedophilia!" Pedophilia is not a "ha ha ha" laughing f***ing matter. It just isn't! I've never been one of those persons who's like, "Oh, I heard on the news that this kid had sex with his high school teacher. Where was she when I was in school, man?" It's f***ing pedophilia. It's goddamn wrong. Any way you goddamn cut it, it's wrong.

Sarah Lewis:
It was originally going to be me and Jillian, but she decided she didn't want to.

Jake Norvell:
No, I believe-I believe...

Sarah Lewis:
[sarcastically] I can't imagine why.

Jake Norvell:
I believe the correct terminology is she pussied the f*** out!

Sarah Lewis:
Okay, so she decided she didn't want to.

Jake Norvell:
Oh, no, don't, don't, don't. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Don't you be sugarcoating this bullshit for anybody, that she decided- I decide every goddamn week that I don't wanna do this. "Please," I ask, "please don't let me go see this. I will do anything." Do I get that? No. Jillian's like, "Oh, I can't watch it." "Why?" Why? Because it's a terrible f***ing movie. She gets to sit this f***ing thing out, and I get brought into this. Tis is not a child's movie! This isn't part of my schtick. Why am I here? I am here, ladies and gentlemen...

Sarah Lewis:
You're here because your hatred for Adam Sandler... is legendary. That is why you're here.

[offscreen, Brad is approaching Jake and Sarah's car]

Jake Norvell:
Don't you f***ing dare wave to me!

Sarah Lewis:
[laughing] You are in so much trouble right now, you have no idea!

Jake Norvell:
[enraged, to Brad] I swear to God, if you come within my arms' reach, I will strangle each and every motherf***ing one of you, in front of the goddamn camera, and they can take me to jail for all I care! You filthy sons of b*tches! I hope you all die of herpes! Do you understand? You can't even die of herpes, and I hope you do!

Sarah Lewis:
Maybe they could, like, get it in their lungs.

Jake Norvell:
[throws an empty cigarette box]

Jake Norvell:
Worst f***ing movie in the history of movies!

Brad Jones:
First of all, should we talk about you guys buying the ticket first?

Jake Norvell:
Yes.

Jerrid Foiles:
Sure.

Jake Norvell:
Let's start there.

[laughing]

Jerrid Foiles:
Oh yeah. No, you're gonna love this.

Brad Jones:
Ok.

Jake Norvell:
Um, yeah, um, I, When I went up to the, uh, the ticket counter, I, uh, slam my hand on there. I was like...

Jake Norvell:
[makes slamming motion] "Mr. Popper's Penguins!"

[chuckling]

Jake Norvell:
The, the guy who was taking the ticket... it took me 5 minutes to get my ticket... he did not honestly believe that I'm going to go see "Mr. F***ing Popper's Penguins."

Brad Jones:
You're also wearing a comic book shirt!

Jake Norvell:
I'm wearing my comic book shirt, my, uh, my Joker shirt. He honestly, like, he even charged me for a 3-D showing of "The Green Lantern," because he honestly thought I was f***ing with him that much.

Brad Jones:
I had to step in and be like, "No, no, it's for a website. They actually are seeing 'Mr. Popper's Penguins.'"

Jake Norvell:
Even then he was like, "Are you sure? Like, you can go see Green Lantern." I'm not going to go see Green Lantern. I'm seeing Mr. Goddamn Popper's Penguins.

Jake Norvell:
[on Mr. Popper's Penguins] It was like reheated sh*t.

Brad Jones:
That was the monster in our movie!

Brad Jones:
I'm so glad I paid money so you could watch some f***ing porn!

Jerrid Foiles:
I wasn't!

Brad Jones:
I had to watch "Green Lantern!"

Jerrid Foiles:
I, I had to watch...

Brad Jones:
You had much better f***ing 3-D than I did!

Jerrid Foiles:
[to Jake] Go on.

Jake Norvell:
I'm laughing my ass off. I didn't do it, okay. I don't appreciate you immediately coming to the conclusion that I did like this movie.

Brad Jones:
Sorry, sorry.

Jake Norvell:
But in your defense, there's a very good possibility I did, but no.

Jerrid Foiles:
Let's just say this, there was another couple in that, uh, in that theater.

Brad Jones:
You weren't alone?

Jake Norvell:
[shaking his head giddily]

Jerrid Foiles:
No.

David Gobble:
No, no, no, no, no. Explain the story in full please.

Brad Jones:
I think I know where this is going.

Jake Norvell:
Oh, you should. So, uh, we're sitting there, and, um, the ticket lady first came in and just, like, sat there, staring at us, and I was like, "How ya doin'?" She's like, "What movie is this?" I was like, "Mr. Popper's Penguins! Come on in! Have a seat! We're the only ones watching it!" She laughed and laughed and I'm sitting there watching the commercials I just paid ten dollars to see. And, uh, this couple walked in, and they were walking up, and the guy was like, "Wow! I thought we were gonna be the only people here." And I was like, "I was thinking the exact same thing when you guys came in."

Brad Jones:
Yeah.

Jake Norvell:
I didn't think much of it.

Brad Jones:
Uh-huh?

David Gobble:
Continue

Jake Norvell:
This is exactly where it's going.

Brad Jones:
[laughing]

Jake Norvell:
Um, so we're sitting there, and, uh, we're watching the newest tweeny movies that are going to come out.

Brad Jones:
Yeah?

Jake Norvell:
And, uh, I hear a moan. Uh, a female moan. And I was like, "What the f*** was that?" And I started to laugh, because they're sitting, like, in the very top row of the theater, alright, way behind us. I'm sitting, we're sitting front row. I mean, not front row, center, like in the middle of the row, the ideal viewing spot.

Brad Jones:
Yeah.

Jake Norvell:
And I heard that, so I started to giggle, because it's [blows raspberry] midnight, and I'm tired. And, uh, and then I hear, "Uh! Ouch!" So like what is going on up there?

Brad Jones:
That doesn't go there!

Jake Norvell:
[continuing his story] I turned around to look, and I didn't see anything, so I was like, "Well, okay."

Brad Jones:
Uh-huh?

Jake Norvell:
And then, uh, the girl walked down the aisle, this is all of course before the movie ever started.

Brad Jones:
Oh!

Jake Norvell:
And, um, so she was walking and she tugging at her shirt a little bit like, you know, like, pulling it down. So, "What the f*** are they doing up there?"

Brad Jones:
Uh-huh.

Jake Norvell:
And so she comes back in, the movie's started. So I'm sitting there watching this just, just... awful movie... and I start to hearing this rhythmic...

Jake Norvell:
[makes fist and taps it rhythmically on his leg]

Brad Jones:
[laughing]

Jake Norvell:
Right?

Brad Jones:
It wasn't just the penguins slapping their feet or whatever?

Jake Norvell:
Oh no, no. No, no, the penguins have not shown up yet. And so I'm hearing this and at first...

Brad Jones:
[laughing hysterically]

Jake Norvell:
At first I thought Jerrid was just ripping ass, because it sounded like it was coming right beside me, and I look beside me and Jerrid's just like...

[c*cks head sideways]

Jake Norvell:
Neh! So I was, like, it wasn't Jerrid?

Jerrid Foiles:
I really was, just, brain-dead, 'cause this movie was just so bad.

Jake Norvell:
It was, it was bad. It was *bad*. And, um, so I'm like, "OK, it's not Jerrid, then what are they doing up there?" And I turned, and, uh, I'm sitting kinda like this.

[slouches in seat]

Jake Norvell:
And they can't see me. So I go like that to turn around...

Jake Norvell:
[turns head around]

Jake Norvell:
[turns back] And when I looked up there, I saw titties.

[everyone busts out laughing]

Jake Norvell:
Things happened in that theater.

Jake Norvell:
When I went up to the ticket counter, I slammed my hand on the door and said Mr. Popper's Penguins. The guy who was working there. It took me five minutes to get our tickets. He did not honestly believe I was seeing Mr. Popper's f***in Penguines.