Monty Python's Life of Brian

Reg:
All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

PFJ Member:
Brought peace?

Reg:
Oh, peace? SHUT UP!

Mandy:
So you're astrologers, are you? Well what is he then?

Wise man:
Mmmm?

Mandy:
What star sign is he?

Wise man:
Well, Capricorn.

Mandy:
Ehh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

Wise men:
He is the son of God, our Messiah. King of the Jews.

Mandy:
And that's Capricorn, is it?

Wise man:
No, no, no. That's just him.

Mandy:
Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.'

[The audience members at the back of the crowd are having trouble hearing the Sermon on the Mount.]

Man:
I think it was, "Blessed are the cheesemakers"!

Gregory's wife:
What's so special about the cheesemakers?

Gregory:
Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.

[Brian is caught graffiti-ing a wall]

Centurion:
What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the 'ouse"?

Brian:
[terrified] It... it says "Romans go home".

Centurion:
No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? [Brian hesitates.] Come on, come on!

Brian:
"Romanus"?

Centurion:
Goes like...?

Brian:
"Annus"?

Centurion:
Vocative plural of "annus" is...?

Brian:
"Anni."

Centurion:
[writing] "Romani". "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?

Brian:
"Go".

Centurion:
Conjugate the verb "to go".

Brian:
Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.

Centurion:
So "eunt" is...?

Brian:
Third person plural, present indicative. "They go".

Centurion:
But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the…?

Brian:
[getting his earlock pulled, increasingly panicked] Ah, imperative?

Centurion:
Which is…?

Brian:
Uh, uhm, "i"! "I"!

Centurion:
How many Romans?

Brian:
Aah! Plural, plural! "Ite"! "Ite"!

Centurion:
[writing] "Ite". "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?”

Brian:
Dative? [centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's throat] Ah! Not dative! Not the dative, sir! Ah! Ah! Oh! Accusative, accusative! "Domum", sir, "ad domum".

Centurion:
Except that "domus" takes the…?

Brian:
The vocative, sir?

Centurion:
Which is…?

Brian:
"Domum"!

Centurion:
"Domum". [writing] "Um". Understand?

Brian:
Yes, sir.

Centurion:
Now write it out a 'undred times.

Brian:
Yes sir, thank you sir, Hail Caesar sir. [calming down]

Centurion:
Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

Brian:
Oh thank you sir. Thank you sir. Hail Caesar and everything sir.

[at sunrise the wall is covered in writing]

Brian:
[exhausted, finishing the last line] Finished!

Centurion:
Right. Now don't do it again.

[Brian climbs down the ladder, steps back and surveys his handiwork. Three Roman centurions appear, look at the wall, then turn to Brian in anger. Brian looks at them; his eyes widen in realisation as he runs away and they give chase]

[the People's Front of Judea are breaking into Caesar's palace. However, they become distracted by the Campaign for a Free Galilee, a rival organisation with the same plan, and a fight breaks out]

Brian:
People, we should be struggling together.

PFJ member:
[in a headlock] We are!

Brian:
No, we should be rising up against the common enemy.

All:
The Judean People's Front?!

Brian:
No, no, the Romans!

Mandy:
Who are all those people?

Brian:
A few friends, popped by for a second.

Mandy:
Popped by? Swarmed by is more like it. There's a multitude out there.

Brian:
I'm not the Messiah!

Arthur:
I say you are, Lord, and I should know, I've followed a few!

Crowd:
Hail, Messiah!

Brian:
I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen?! I'm not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!

Woman:
Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!

Brian:
What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me?! All right, I am the Messiah!

Crowd:
He is! He is the Messiah!

Brian:
Now, f*** off!

[Silence]

Arthur:
How shall we f*** off, oh Lord?

Brian:
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!

Nisus Wettus:
Crucifixion?

Mr. Cheeky:
Ah, no. Freedom.

Nisus Wettus:
What?

Mr. Cheeky:
Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I can go free and live on an island somewhere.

Nisus Wettus:
Oh, oh that´s jolly good well. Off you go then.

Mr. Cheeky:
No, I'm only pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really!

Nisus Wettus:
[laughing] Oh, I see, very good. Well...

Mr. Cheeky:
Yes I know, out the door, one cross each, line on the left.

[the members of "The People's Front of Judea" are sitting in the amphitheatre; Stan has just announced that he wants to be a woman and wants to be called "Loretta," and is explaining why]

Stan:
I want to have babies.

Reg:
You want to have babies?!?!

Stan:
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

Reg:
But ... you can't HAVE babies!

Stan:
Don't you oppress me!

Reg:
I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?

Centurion:
[mocking Pilate's Rhotacism] Oh, and uh...thwow him to the floow, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
What?

Centurion:
Thwow him to the floow again, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
Oh yes, throw him to the floor, please.

Brian:
There's no pleasing some people.

Ex-leper:
That's just what Jesus said, sir.

Brian:
Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!

Crowd:
[in unison] Yes! We're all individuals!

Brian:
You're all different!

Crowd:
[in unison] Yes, we are all different!

Man in crowd:
I'm not...

Crowd:
Shhh!

Reg:
[reading prepared statement] "We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, official, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."

Brian:
What?

Reg:
"Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites..."

[as Brian is brought before Pontius Pilate]

Centurion:
Hail Caesar!

Pontius Pilate:
Hail.

Centurion:
Only one survivor, sir.

Pontius Pilate:
Ah. Thwow him to the floow.

Centurion:
What, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
Thwow him... to the floow.

[the lead centurion nods to the others who are carrying Brian, so they will throw him to the floor according to Pilate's orders]

Pontius Pilate:
Now... What is youw name, Jew?

Brian:
Brian, sir.

Pontius Pilate:
Bwian, eh?

Brian:
No no, Brian. [the lead centurion slaps him] Ow!

Pontius Pilate:
Hoo hoo hoo hoo. The little wascal has spiwit.

Centurion:
Has what, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
Spiwit.

Centurion:
Yes, he did, sir.

Pontius Pilate:
[confused] No no, spiwit's, um... Bwavado... A touch of dawing-do...

Centurion:
Oh, um, about eleven, sir. [Pilate is even more confused, before turning back to Brian]

Pontius Pilate:
So... You dawe to waid us?

Brian:
To what, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!

Centurion:
[slaps Brian again; then, mocking Pilate's Rhotacism] Oh, and uh... Thwow him to the floow, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
What?

Centurion:
Thwow him to the floow again, sir?

Pontius Pilate:
Oh yes, thwow him to the floow, please. [the centurions do so] Now, Jewish wapscallion...

Brian:
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.

Pontius Pilate:
A Woman?

Brian:
No no, Roman. [the lead centurion slaps him one more time]

Pontius Pilate:
So! Youw fathew was a Woman. Who was he?

Brian:
He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons.

Pontius Pilate:
Weally? What was his name?

Brian:
Naughtius Maximus. [the lead centurion starts to laugh, but stops himself when Pilate looks at him confused]

Pontius Pilate:
Centuwion, do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison?

Centurion:
Well, no sir.

Pontius Pilate:
Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?

Centurion:
Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir. [someone snickers in the background]

Pontius Pilate:
...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?

Centurion:
Well, it's a joke name, sir.

Pontius Pilate:
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. [one of the centurions in the room starts snickering, drawing Pilate's attention to him] Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!

Brian:
Can I go now, sir? [the lead centurion slaps him once more]

Pontius Pilate:
Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this... [the snickering centurion from before snickers louder, unable to hold his laughter in in anymore] Wight! Take him away!

Centurion:
Oh, sir, he...

Pontius Pilate:
No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within the week!

Centurion:
Yes, sir. Come on, you. [leads the laughing centurion out]

Pontius Pilate:
I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy! [turns his attention to the centurions who brought Brian in] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... [Pilate approaches very sternly, as one of the centurion is visibly straining not to laugh] Biggus... Dickus? [Pilate turns to one of the spearmen, who is similarly grimacing] What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus... Dickus? [the centurions are barely able to hold in their snickers at this point; Pilate continues to provoke them, returning to the soldiers that brought Brian] He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? [the centurions shake their heads negatively, still straining] She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks... [the centiruions, unable to hold in anymore, start laughing out loud] Shut up! What is all this?! I've had enough of this wowdy, webel, sniggewing behaviouw! Silence! You call youwselves centuwion guawds! [notices Brian scurrying away in the confusion] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!

Reg:
What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.

Mandy:
Now, you listen here: 'e's not the Messiah, 'e's a very naughty boy! Now go away!

Boring Prophet:
And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock...

Boring Prophet:
A man shall strike his donkey.

Blood And Thunder Prophet:
... And the beast shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...

Mr. Frisbee Iii: Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble. Give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best. And... [music] Always look on the bright side of life.

Prisoner:
Oh, what I wouldn't give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.

High Priest:
Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath...

Matthias:
Do I say "yes"?

Female Stone Helper 1:
Yes.

Matthias:
Yes.

High Priest:
You have been found guilty by the elders of the town, of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a BLASPHEMER! [The crowd reacts approvingly] You are to be stoned to death.

Matthias:
Look. I-I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

[The crowds reacted angrily]

High Priest:
BLASPHEMY! [to the crowd] He's said it again!

Crowd:
Yes! Yes, he did! He did!

High Priest:
Did you hear him?!

Crowd:
Yes! Yes, we did! We did!

Woman 1:
Really!

[Silence]

High Priest:
[shocked and confused] Are there any women here today?

Crowd:
[in male voices] No. No. No. No...

High Priest:
Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...

[One Woman stones Matthias]

Matthias:
Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!

High Priest:
Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.

Crowd:
[in female voices] She did! She did! [in male voices] He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.

Woman who casts 1st stone:
Sorry. I thought we'd started.

High Priest:
Go to the back.

Woman who casts 1st stone:
Oh, dear.

High Priest:
Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?

Matthias:
Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah".

Crowd:
Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!

High Priest:
YOU'RE ONLY MAKING IT WORSE FOR YOURSELF!

Matthias:
Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

[The crowds again react angrily]

High Priest:
I'm warning you. If you say Jehovah once more... [Mrs. A stones the High Priest; Matthias laughs] Right. Who threw that? [Silence] Come on. Who threw that?

[Mrs. A tried to escape, but the crowd blocked her]

Crowd:
[in female voices] She did! It was her! [in male voices] He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

High Priest:
Was it you?

Mrs. A:
Yes.

High Priest:
Right!

Mrs. A:
Well, you did say "Jehovah".

[The crowd stones Mrs. A]:

High Priest:
[Irritated] STOP! STOP, WIll YOU?! STOP THAT! [everyone stops] STOP IT! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say "Jehovah".

[Then the crowd stone the High Priest, then three Women slammed a large rock over him, instantly killing him]

Woman 2:
Gotcha!

[The crowd broke to a applause, the sentries look at each other]

[The People's Front of Judea are breaking into Caesar's palace. However, they become distracted by the Campaign for a Free Galilee, a rival organization with the same plan]

Deadly Dirk:
Campaign for Free Galilee!

Francis:
Oh. Uh, People's Front of Judea. Officials.

Deadly Dirk:
Oh.

Francis:
What's your group doing here?

Deadly Dirk:
We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.

Francis:
So are we.

Deadly Dirk:
What?

Francis:
That's our plan!

Deadly Dirk:
We were here first!

Francis:
What do you mean?!

Deadly Dirk:
We thought of it first!

Warris:
Oh, yeah?

Deadly Dirk:
Yes, a couple of years ago!

PFJ:
Ha. Heh. Ha ha.

Deadly Dirk:
We did!

Francis:
Okay, c-- co-- come on. You got all your demands worked out, then?

Deadly Dirk:
'Course we have.

Francis:
What are they?

Deadly Dirk:
Well, I'm not telling you.

PFJ:
Aghhh...

Francis:
Oh, come on. Pull the other one.

PFJ:
Shh!

Deadly Dirk:
That's not the point! We thought of it before you!

Warris:
Did not.

Deadly Dirk:
We did!

Francis:
You didn't.

CFG:
We bloody did!

Brian:
Shhhh!

PFJ:
Shhhhh! Shh.

Deadly Dirk:
You bastards! We've been planning this for months.

Francis:
Well, tough titty for you, Fish Face. [Deadly Dirk pokes him on the eye, a fight breaks out]

Brian:
Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together.

PFJ Member:
[in a headlock] We are!

Brian:
We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy!

All:
THE JUDEAN PEOPLE'S FRONT?!

Brian:
No, no, the Romans!

Everyone:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Francis:
Yeah. He's right

Random:
Look out!

[A Roman soldier walks on the corridor, causing everyone to hide, then disappears]

Deadly Dirk:
Right! Where were we?

Francis:
Uhh, you were going to punch me.

[fights broke out again, both parties suffered casualties except Brian. Two Roman soldiers appear, watching the fight with disapproval]

[Brian, still naked, opens the window, only to find a huge crowd who followed him yesterday amassed at his house]

Crowd:
[raising staves holding gourds and sandals] LOOK! THERE HE IS! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS WOKEN!

[Brian quickly shuts the windows, followed by a loud knock on his door]

Mandy:
Brian!

Brian:
[starts dressing his clothes] Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha...

Mandy:
Brian!

Brian:
Hang on, mother! [to Judith, who is also naked] Shhh. [a door knocked open, Mandy enters] Hello Mother.

Mandy:
Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there?!

Brian:
Oh. Well-Well, I, uh...

Mandy:
Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?!

Brian:
Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something.

Mandy:
Popped by?! Swarmed by is more like it! There's a multitude out there!

Brian:
Mm, they...they started following me yesterday.

Mandy:
Well, they can stop following you right now. [opens the window to address his followers] Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Crowd:
The Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah!

Mandy:
The who?!

Crowd:
The Messiah!

Mandy:
Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!

Crowd:
BRIAN! BRIAN!

Mandy:
So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, "Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care." I might have known it would end up like this. Sex, sex. That's all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to.

Prisoner:
You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!