My Cousin Vinny

Vinny Gambini:
I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we may properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Mr. Gambini?

Vinny Gambini:
Yes sir?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Mr. Gambini, that is a lucid, well thought-out, intelligent objection.

Vinny Gambini:
Thank you.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Overruled.

Vinny Gambini:
Hey Stan, you're in Ala-F***in-Bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not going to trial.

Vinny Gambini:
I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.

J.T.:
How 'bout if I just kick your ass?

Vinny Gambini:
Oh a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Let me think... I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.

J.T.:
Over my dead body.

Vinny Gambini:
You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever loving sh*t out of you?

J.T.:
In your dreams.

Vinny Gambini:
Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the sh*t out of you, do I get the money?

Vinny Gambini:
What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay?

Mona Lisa Vito:
Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing around. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water - BAM. A f***in' bullet rips off part of your head. Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask you, do you give a f*** what kind of pants the son-of-a-b*tch who shot you was wearing?

Vinny Gambini:
Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?

Mona Lisa Vito:
You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Do you two know each other?

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, she's my fiancée.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Vinny Gambini:
What are you wearing?

Mona Lisa Vito:
What?

Vinny Gambini:
You look like a f***in' tourist.

Mona Lisa Vito:
What about you?

Vinny Gambini:
I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.

Mona Lisa Vito:
Oh yeah, you blend.

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you.

D.A. Jim Trotter:
Objection. Counsel's entire opening statement is argument.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be stricken from the record.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
The next words out of your mouth better be guilty or not guilty. I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than guilty or not guilty, you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now how do your clients plead?

Vinny Gambini:
I think I get the point.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
No, I don't think you do.

Vincent Gambini:
Ok, you can help. We'll use your pictures. AH! These are, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? What, did you shot this from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog sh*t. *Dog Sh*t!* That's great! Dog sh*t, what a clue. Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. *Holy sh*t*, honey, you got it! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! I love this! That's it!

Vinny Gambini:
I got thirty f***ing minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the f***ing courthouse.

Lisa:
You f***ing shower, I'll get your f***ing suit.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?

Vinny Gambini:
You were serious about that?

Vinny Gambini:
Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' f***ed one way or the other. Heh he.

Vinny Gambini:
Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.

Stan:
Gee thanks.

Vinny Gambini:
Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.

Stan:
You think I should be grateful?

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your f***in' knees.

Stan:
I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

Vinny Gambini:
I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little f***.

Stan:
That's one hell of an ego you got.

Vinny Gambini:
What the f*** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

Stan:
I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.

Vinny Gambini:
That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.

Bill:
Vinny. Vinny bag'o donuts.

Vinny Gambini:
How the f*** did I get into this sh*t?

Lisa:
How's your Chinese food?

Vinny Gambini:
You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?

Lisa:
Yeah well what are you, a f***ing world traveler?

Lisa:
Breakfast?

Vinny Gambini:
Ya think?

Bill:
We should get tuna.

Stan:
Please no more tuna.

Bill:
It has protein, we need protein.

Stan:
Beans have protein.

Bill:
Beans make you fart.

Stan:
We got a convertible.

Bill:
Uh oh. His lights are on.

Stan:
F***. F***. Goddammit. F***.

Vinny Gambini:
I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.

Bill:
We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.

Stan:
The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.

Stan:
Some of them do.

Lisa:
I want a wedding in church with bride's maids and flowers.

Vinny Gambini:
Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?

Lisa:
Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.

Vinny Gambini:
Sure, sure I heard of grits. I've just never actually SEEN a grit before

Vinny Gambini:
It is possible that the two utes...

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?

Vinny Gambini:
Uh... what word?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Two what?

Vinny Gambini:
What?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Uh... did you say "utes"?

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, two utes.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
What is a ute?

Vinny Gambini:
Oh, excuse me, Your Honor...

Vinny Gambini:
two YOUTHS.

D.A. Jim Trotter:
Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?

Lisa:
I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.

D.A. Jim Trotter:
An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?

Lisa:
It doesn't.

Vinny Gambini:
Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Would you please answer the counselor's question?

Mona Lisa Vito:
No, I hate him.

Vinny Gambini:
This f***ing jacket!

J.T.:
Hey there little Yankee wuss! Look here, 'got your $200. You gonna kick the sh*t out of me now?

Vinny Gambini:
My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?

Vinny Gambini:
No. I'm just trying to explain.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?

Vinny Gambini:
Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Uh, Mr. Gambini?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.

Vinny Gambini:
But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Once again, the communication process broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.

Lisa:
What the f*** is going on here, Vinny? You f***ing up this case or what?

Vinny Gambini:
I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's procedure. I'm bound to f*** up a little.

Lisa:
A little? You've been thrown in jail twice.

Lisa:
Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.

Vinny Gambini:
No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?

Vinny Gambini:
Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?

Neckbrace:
My place.

Vinny Gambini:
Sh*t.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.

Vinny Gambini:
You should.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.

Vinny Gambini:
I shouldn't.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Now I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
You willing to accept those terms?

Vinny Gambini:
Sure. No problem.

Vinny Gambini:
Just this? Ha ha.

Vinny Gambini:
It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're f***ed. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.

Bill:
You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.

Stan:
My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.

Bill:
Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.

Vinny Gambini:
Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?

Bill:
Right.

Vinny Gambini:
Let me show you something.

Vinny Gambini:
He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.

Vinny Gambini:
When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

Bill:
At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?

Stan:
The magician with the ponytail?

Bill:
Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.

Vinny Gambini:
Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge, this Judge Malloy. All the while he's laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asks me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, "you know what? You'd be a good litigator." I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, I don't know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy, who's from Brooklyn, too? He did it, so all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school.

Vinny Gambini:
Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?

Vinny Gambini:
Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?

Mona Lisa Vito:
No! The defense is wrong!

Vinny Gambini:
Are you sure?

Mona Lisa Vito:
I'm positive.

Vinny Gambini:
How could you be so sure?

Mona Lisa Vito:
Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a '64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

D.A. Jim Trotter:
Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
This is your opinion?

Mona Lisa Vito:
It's a fact!

Vinny Gambini:
I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!

Mona Lisa Vito:
Would you like me to explain?

Vinny Gambini:
I would love to hear this!

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
So would I.

Mona Lisa Vito:
The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!

Vinny Gambini:
And why not? What is positraction?

Mona Lisa Vito:
It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.

Vinny Gambini:
Is that it?

Mona Lisa Vito:
No, there's more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60's, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

Vinny Gambini:
And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?

Mona Lisa Vito:
They were!

Vinny Gambini:
Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much.

Vinny Gambini:
You've been a lovely, lovely witness.

Vinny Gambini:
Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?

George Wilbur:
Very impressive.

Vinny Gambini:
She's cute too, huh?

George Wilbur:
Yes, very.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Mr. Gambini...

Vinny Gambini:
Sorry, Your Honor.

Vinny Gambini:
Sheriff Farley, uh... what'd you find out?

Sheriff Dean Farley:
On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a '63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms that two boys, who fit the defendants' description, were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tillman in Jasper County, Georgia, for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.

Vinny Gambini:
Is that it?

Sheriff Dean Farley:
No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.

Vinny Gambini:
Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court's memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?

Sheriff Dean Farley:
.357 Magnum.

Vinny Gambini:
The defense rests.

Vinny Gambini:
Bill, listen. Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call.

Mona Lisa Vito:
So what's your problem?

Vinny Gambini:
My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.

Mona Lisa Vito:
Well, I guess that plan's moot.

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah.

Mona Lisa Vito:
You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "thank you."

Mona Lisa Vito:
Oh my God, what a f***ing nightmare!

Mona Lisa Vito:
Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?

Vinny Gambini:
I told you why already.

Mona Lisa Vito:
He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you d*ckhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises.

Mona Lisa Vito:
They didn't teach you that in law school either?

Mona Lisa Vito:
What name did you tell him?

Vinny Gambini:
Jerry Gallo.

Mona Lisa Vito:
Jerry Gallo! The big attorney.

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah.

Mona Lisa Vito:
Think that was a smart move?

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.

Mona Lisa Vito:
His name was in the papers all last week.

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, I saw that.

Mona Lisa Vito:
But you didn't actually read the articles.

Vinny Gambini:
No

Mona Lisa Vito:
Too bad.

Vinny Gambini:
Why's that?

Mona Lisa Vito:
'Cause he's dead.

Vinny:
I got no more use for this guy.

Lisa:
What?

Vinny:
Nothin’, you stick out like a sore thumb around here.

Lisa:
Me? What about you?

Vinny:
I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin’ cowboy boots.

Lisa:
Oh, yeah, you blend.

Guard:
Here. Got somebody for you. (Vinny slips guard a 'tip', and enters the cell)

Vinny:
You must be Stan, how ya doin’?

Stan:
Why'd they bring you in here?

Vinny:
Well, I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me here. Hey, sleepin’, huh? Cute little guy. Ya know, maybe I should start wit you. Let him sleep a little bit.

Stan:
I don't wanna do this.

Vinny:
Hey, I don't blame ya. If I was in your situation, I'd wanna get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible. So, ya know, let's try our best to make this a simple, in-and-out procedure. (Reassuring Stan that he’s not there to hurt him in any way; has him sit down) What's the matter? Hey, relax, relax. Ya know, maybe we should spend a couple minutes together. Ya know, to get acquainted before we uh, ya know, before we get to it. What's wrong with you?

Stan:
I don't wanna do this.

Vinny:
I understand, but ya know, what are your alternatives?

Stan:
My alternatives? To what, to you? I don't know, suicide, death...

Vinny:
Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin’ f***ed one way or the other. (Stan tries to get up, but Vinny stops him) Hey, lighten up. Don't worry, I'm gonna help you.

Stan:
(somewhat sarcastically) Gee, thanks.

Vinny:
Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.

Stan:
You think I should be grateful?

Vinny:
Yeah, I mean it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your f***in’ knees!

Stan:
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

Vinny:
Hey, I'm doin’ a favor here, ya know. You're gettin’ me for nothin’, you little f***.

Stan:
Boy, that's one hell of an ego you got.

Vinny:
What the f*** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

Stan:
No. No, no. I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.

Vinny:
That's it. You're on your own. I'm just takin’ care of Sleepin’ Beauty.

[Wakes up Bill, who gets startled]

Bill:
Hey, back off! Vin! Vinny!

Stan:
(somewhat confused) Vinny?

Bill:
Vinny bag o' donuts. How are you?

Stan:
This is Vinny?

Vinny:
Is that a drip I hear?

Lisa:
Yeah.

Vinny:
Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?

Lisa:
So?

Vinny:
Well, did you use the faucet?

Lisa:
Yeah.

Vinny:
Why didn't you turn it off?

Lisa:
I did turn it off.

Vinny:
Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?

Lisa:
Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?

Vinny:
No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.

Lisa:
Maybe it's broken.

Vinny:
Is that what you're sayin’? It's broken?

Lisa:
Yeah, that's it; it's broken.

Vinny:
You sure?

Lisa:
I'm positive.

Vinny:
Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.

Lisa:
I twisted it just right.

Vinny:
How can you be so sure?

Lisa:
If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.

Vinny:
How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?

Lisa:
Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.

Vinny:
In that case, how can you be sure that's accurate?

Lisa:
Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation. (Rips a page out of a magazine)

Vinny:
"Dead-on balls accurate"?

Lisa:
It's an industry term.

Vinny:
I guess the f***in’ thing is broken.

Vinny:
My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were gettin’ arrested for, uh, shopliftin’ a can of tuna.

Judge Haller:
What are you tellin’ me? That they plead not guilty?

Vinny:
No. I'm just tryin’ t’explain.

Judge Haller:
I don't wanna hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?

Vinny:
Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients--

Judge Haller:
Uh, Mr. Gambini? (motions for him to approach the bench) All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.

Vinny:
But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.

Judge Haller:
Once again, the communication process is broken down. It appears to me that you wanna skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defendin’ clients who say they didn't do it. The next words out of your mouth are either gonna be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't wanna hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even wanna hear you clear your throat. Now, (enunciating) how... do... your... clients... plead?

Vinny:
(enunciating, but the words go right past him) I think... I get... the point.

Judge Haller:
No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts of contempt?

Vinny:
Not guilty.

Judge Haller:
Thank you.

Stan:
Why didn't you ask them any questions?!

Vinny:
Questions? Ask who questions?

Bill:
You knew you could ask questions, didn't you Vin?

Stan:
Maybe if you put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!

Vinny:
Hey, Stan. You're in Ala-f***in’-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol’ boy. There is NO WAY this is not goin’ to trial.

[Vinny has just slept through Trotter's opening statement and is asked to give his]

Vinny:
Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.

Jim Trotter:
Objection, Your Honor, counsel's entire opening statement is argument.

Judge Haller:
(to the jury) Objection sustained. Counsel's entire opening statement, with the exception of "thank you," will be stricken from the record.

[Vinny is cross-examining Tipton]

Vinny:
Is it possible the two defendants entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave... Then two different men drive up in a similar - [sees Tipton is already shaking his head] Don't shake your head. I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing so you can understand this now... [continues] Two different men drive up in a similar looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?

Tipton:
No. They didn't have enough time.

Vinny:
Well, how much time was they in the store?

Tipton:
Five minutes.

Vinny:
Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?

Tipton:
No.

Vinny:
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right. I'm sorry. So obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.

Tipton:
That's right.

Vinny:
So you knew that. Uh, do you remember what ya had?

Tipton:
Eggs and grits.

Vinny:
Eggs and grits. I like grits too. How do you like your grits? You like 'em regular, creamy or al dente?

Tipton:
[confused by the question] Just regular, I guess.

Vinny:
Regular. Instant grits?

Tipton:
[chuckles] No self-respectin’ Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.

Vinny:
[Walks over to Jury, as he prepares his next question] So, Mr. Tipton. How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?

[Tipton falls silent for a moment. Lisa smiles excitedly, and the entire courtroom stares at Tipton apprehensively, realizing he’s been stumped]

Tipton:
[nervously] I dunno. I'm a fast cook, I guess.

Vinny:
[Walks back over to Tipton] I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you just say you're a fast cook, that’s it!? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit... faster in your kitchen... than on any place on the face of the Earth!?

Tipton:
[faltering] I don't know.

Vinny:
Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans!?

Jim Trotter:
Objection, Your Honor.

Judge Haller:
Objection sustained. You can ignore the question, Mr. Tipton.

Vinny:
[advancing on Tipton] You sure about that five minutes?

Tipton:
I don't know.

Vinny:
Are you sure about that five minutes?

Tipton:
I don't know!

Judge Haller:
[banging his gavel] Mr. Gambini, I think you made your point.

Vinny:
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT FIVE MINUTES!?!?

Tipton:
[embarrassed] I may have been mistaken.

Vinny:
I got no more use for this guy.

[Haller looks shocked by the exchange, while Lisa gives Vinny a proud look, and someone in the public gallery applauds. Stan turns to his public defender]

Stan:
You're fired. [gets up and points at Vinny] I want him!

[Vinny is trying to dress properly for a hunting trip]

Vinny:
What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Ho! [Lisa comes out of the bathroom]

Lisa:
Imagine you're a deer. You're prancin’ along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put ya little deer lips down to the cool clear water...bam! A f***in’ bullet rips off part of ya head! Your brains are layin’ on the ground in little bloody pieces! (Puts her hands on her hips)

Vinny:
Hey, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini--

Lisa:
His name's J.T.

Vinny:
J.T., I believe you and Lisa played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won; I'm here to collect.

J.T.:
How 'bout if I just kick your ass?

Vinny:
Oh, a counteroffer. That's what we lawyers, I'm a lawyer, call that a counteroffer. Let me see, this is a tough decision you're givin’ me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars? Hmm, let me think. I could use a good ass kickin’, I'll be very honest with you. Nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.

[The people in the room laugh]

J.T.:
Over my dead body.

Vinny:
You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counteroffer: do I have to kill you? What if I was just to kick the ever-lovin’ sh*t outta ya?

J.T.:
In your dreams.

Vinny:
Oh, no, no, no, in reality. If I was to kick the sh*t outta ya, do I get the money?

J.T.:
(contemplates this) If you kick the sh*t outta me...

Vinny:
Yeah.

J.T.:
...then you get the money.

[Some people weakly laugh. Vinny looks at a guy who's in a neck brace.]

Vinny:
What happened? Rear-ended?

Neck Brace:
No, I fell.

Vinny:
Oh. Okay, let’s see if we agree on the terms. The choice now is: I get my ass kicked, or, option B: I kick your ass, and collect the 200. I'm goin’ wit option B, (takes his coat off) kickin’ your ass and collectin' two-hundred dollars.

J.T.:
Are we gon’ fight now?

Vinny:
Yeah, first let me see the money.

J.T.:
I have the money.

Vinny:
All right, show it to me.

J.T.:
I can get it.

Vinny:
You can get it? All right, get it. Then we'll fight.

Vinny:
Did you fall in your place, or somebody else’s?

Neck Brace:
My place.

Vinny:
Sh*t.

Vinny:
What's the matter with you?

Lisa:
I don't know.

Vinny:
You're actin’ like you're nervous or somethin’.

Lisa:
Well, yeah, I am.

Vinny:
What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.

Lisa:
You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell ya what I'm nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's goin’ on. Alls I know is that you're screwin’ up and I can't help.

Vinny:
You left me a little camera, didn't you?

Lisa:
Oh, Vinny! I'm watchin’ you go down in flames, and you're bringin’ me with you, and I can't do anything about it!

Vinny:
And?

Lisa:
Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister is gettin’ married. My biological clock is (stamps foot three times) tickin’ like this, and the way this case is goin’, I ain't never gettin’ married!

Vinny:
Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just achin’ to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids, not to mention your (stamps foot three times) biological clock; my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more sh*t we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case?! (Stares upward to indicate him thinking of anything else) Is it possible?! (looks up again)

Lisa:
Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

Vinny:
Is it possible that the two youts--

Judge Haller:
Uh, the two what? Uh, uh, what was that word?

Vinny:
Uh, what word?

Judge Haller:
Two what?

Vinny:
What?

Judge Haller:
Did you say "yutes"?

Vinny:
Yeah, two youts.

Judge Haller:
What is a yute?

Vinny:
Oh, excuse me, Your Honor, two youths.

Judge Haller:
You're a dead man.

Vinny:
I'm a dead man?

Judge Haller:
That's right. I just faxed the clerk of New York and asked him what he knew about Jerry Gallo and do you wanna know what he replied?

Vinny:
Did you just say Gallo?

Judge Haller:
Yes, I did.

Vinny:
Gallo with a G?

Judge Haller:
That's right.

Vinny:
Jerry Gallo's dead!

Judge Haller:
[holds up fax] I'm aware of that!

Vinny:
Well I'm not Jerry Gallo! I'm Jerry Callo! "C-A-LLO!"

Judge Haller:
Alright. Let's get this cleared up right now.

Judge Haller:
[hangs up, returns to Vinny] He's gonna call back after 3. Which gives you a "stay of execution". Unless, by some miracle you happen to win this case in the next 90 minutes. Why don't you go to lunch?

Vinny:
Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct? Is that correct?

Judge Haller:
Would you please answer the counselor's question?

Lisa:
No, I hate him.

Vinny:
Your Honor, may I ask your permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?

Lisa:
You think I'm hostile now? Wait till you see me tonight.

Judge Haller:
Do you two know each other?

Vinny:
Yeah, she's my fiancée.

Judge Haller:
Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Vinny:
What the hell was that all about back there?

Lisa:
I had a friend send a fax to the judge, confirming the very impressive legal stature of Jerry Callo!

Vinny:
What friends you got in the clerk’s office?

Lisa:
Your friend.

Vinny:
My friend?

Lisa:
Judge Malloy.

[pause] So what's your problem?

Vinny:
My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.

Lisa:
Well, I guess that plan's moot.

Vinny:
Yeah.

Lisa:
You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help. Right? You win case, after case, - and then afterwards, you have to go up to somebody and you have to say- "thank you"! Oh my God, what a f***in' nightmare!

Vinny:
Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?

Hotel Clerk:
No, sir, it's very unusual.

Vinny:
[the next day, after Vinny was awakened by the train] Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.

Hotel Clerk:
I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.

Jim Trotter:
Now, uh, Ms. Vito, bein’ an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?

Lisa:
(scoffing) That's a bullshit question.

Jim Trotter:
Does that mean that you can't answer it?

Lisa:
It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.

Jim Trotter:
Impossible because you don't know the answer!

Lisa:
Nobody could answer that question!

Jim Trotter:
Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an "expert witness"!

Judge Haller:
Can you answer the question?

Lisa:
No, it is a trick question!

Judge Haller:
Why is it a trick question?

Vinny:
(to Bill) Watch this.

Lisa:
'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center. [Vinny sits back, contently crossing his arms]

Jim Trotter:
Well... um... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

[Stan, Vinny and Bill are on the prison bus]

[asking the hotel clerk about the freight train]