My Wife and Kids

Michael Kyle:
Well, guess what Junior? You're from the mean streets of Stamford, Connecticut.

Michael Kyle:
[referring to rap groups] They don't even sing anymore, they just say - "You know the words. Sing along."

Michael Kyle:
You getting high?

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
No.

Michael Kyle:
Why not?

Michael Kyle:
But all the music you listen to is full of cussing. Why don't you listen to Marvin Gaye? He never swore... well, until his father shot him.

Michael Kyle:
The price of nudity sure has gone up.

Michael Kyle Jr.:
I know that's right, that lock just cost me $20.

Michael Kyle:
Yeah well that's $20 out the window, that lock's going to come off, it's a fire hazard.

Michael Kyle Jr.:
No it's not, Dad, it's metal, it won't burn.

Michael Kyle:
That's not what I mean. If there's a fire in the house and you're locked in here, you'll... you know what? Keep the lock on.

Michael Kyle:
Kady is 7 years old and she's still acting 3. It's not cute anymore.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
I know, it was cute when she was younger and like a puppy, now she's not like a puppy anymore, she's somewhere between a puppy and a dog, I don't know what you call it.

Michael Kyle:
Rudy. Remember on the Cosby Show, Rudy was so cute and little one day and then the next thing she's grown up and looking... like Bill Cosby.

Michael Kyle:
[Junior says he's going shopping] You mean looting?

Michael Kyle Jr.:
I prefer to think of it as a blackout sale.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Mom, I broke my hand!

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
Well go upstairs, put lotion on it, and rub it.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Oh boy, I actually get permission!

Michael Kyle:
She meant your hand, boy!

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Oh...

Kady:
Don't forget to put the peanut in the peanut hole.

Michael Kyle:
Junior, sex is a lot different than you probably imagine it.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Oh yeah, how?

Michael Kyle:
Well, for one, there's another person in the room.

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
Why does your cousin have to get married at night?

Michael Kyle:
Because he's an insomniac and she's ugly.

Michael Kyle:
What is the smell in here?

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Kady pooted.

Michael Kyle:
It smells more like she decomposed!

Michael Kyle:
Why is it that I'm the only one in this house who can get dressed and ready on time?

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
Because you're the only one in this house who doesn't have any hair!

Michael Kyle:
Get in the shower, Junior! You smell like corn chips and ass!

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
I do *not* smell like corn chips.

Vaneska:
How old are you?

Claire Kyle:
17.

Vaneska:
Your best years are behind you.

Michael Kyle:
[Claire trips while model walking and tries to play it up as sexy] What're you, a floor model?

Claire Kyle:
[gets up] Dad! What're you doing here?

Michael Kyle:
I was just thinking the same thing about you.

Vaneska:
Do you eat?

Claire Kyle:
Of course!

Vaneska:
You're going to have to stop that. Now, do you drink? Do you smoke?

Claire Kyle:
Of course not!

Vaneska:
You're going to have to start that.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Last thing I heard her say was 'Junior, turn off those power rangers and go to bed!'

Michael Kyle:
When did she say that?

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
About five years ago.

Michael Kyle:
[Jay is earning a Master's Degree in Psychology, but when practicing on family, Micheal wants her to quit] Well, maybe you should get a master's degree in *sex*, that way I'll be behind you all the way!

[Junior gets a New Car that is far from Roadworthy]

Kady:
Ooh, That looks like the car from Chitty Chity Bang Bang.

Michael Kyle:
Yeah, If you're Spelling Chitty with an "S".

[Playing a game]

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
[Impersonating Claire] I'm Claire, and I think John is so cute. I like him so much I'm going to wear the big socks tonight.

[Kady Laughing]

Claire Kyle:
That's not funny.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Well Kady laughed and she goes next.

Claire Kyle:
[Claire starts to confess that she ate Michael's pie while he and Jay were arguing] It was me alright! I ate your stupid pie!

Michael Kyle:
Oh really.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
No, It was I who ate your stupid pie.

Kady:
I cannot lie. I ate your pie.

Michael Kyle:
Well, I can't deny, that I might cry. You wanna know why. 'Cause I still don't know who ate my pie!

Kady Kyle:
Why was Mommy screaming 'oh God oh God oh God'?

Michael Kyle:
She was thankful.

Kady Kyle:
Why was she screaming?

Michael Kyle:
Because she was having fun, you know how when you go to the amusement park and ride the roller coaster and you go AAAAHHHHH!

Kady Kyle:
When it was over did Mommy throw up?

Michael Kyle:
No but she did ride it backwards.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Why is it men take better care of their cars than their own bodies?

Michael Kyle:
Because we don't mind dip sticks being put in our cars.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
[to Michael] Go ahead and make jokes, laugh it up, because now you have to go upstairs and tell Kady what you do to me.

Michael Kyle:
Me? Why do I have to?

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Because it's your turn.

Michael Kyle:
No, I tell the boys.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Na, we switch off, I get the next one.

Michael Kyle:
What next one? There is no next one.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
I don't know about that, you seemed pretty good at that tonight, the law had to come.

Michael Kyle:
[about the colonoscopy] This is intrusive.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Oh please don't talk to me about intrusive, women have more things coming in and out of us than a bus station.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Don't worry, baby, they're not gonna find anything.

Michael Kyle:
Then why the hell do you want me to go through with this?

Michael Kyle:
[to Claire] Right now I am scared to death, you were trying to sneak out of this house at midnight with Tony as your protection. He can't even defend himself against the 3 Little Indians.

Claire Kyle:
If I had asked to go to the party, you would've just said no.

Michael Kyle:
How do you know?

Claire Kyle:
Would you have let me go?

Michael Kyle:
Hell no, see? That's not no. Now why do you think I would've said no?

Claire Kyle:
Because it's an unsupervised party after midnight with boys and alcohol and probably drugs and sex, but I just wanted to listen to some music.

Michael Kyle:
Then you should've just stayed up in your room and listened to my Motown albums.

Claire Kyle:
So what's my punishment?

Michael Kyle:
Your punishment is living with the fact that I have never been as disappointed in you as I am now. [walks away]

Claire Kyle:
Dad... can I have a smaller punishment? I can't handle that kind of guilt.

Claire Kyle:
I knew you wouldn't have let me go to the party.

Michael Kyle:
And why do you think that is?

Claire Kyle:
I don't know.

Michael Kyle:
Claire, do you watch the news? Do you read the papers?

Claire Kyle:
No.

Michael Kyle:
Well if you did, you would know there are psychos out there.

Michael Kyle:
Junior, we provide a roof over your head, food on your plate, and clothes on your back, and yet you wanna sit around complaining. If that's not good enough for you, hey so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, kick rocks, and get the hell out!

Michael Kyle:
Junior, we provide a roof over your head, food on your plate, and clothes on your back, and yet you wanna sit around complaining. If that's not good enough for you hey so long sucker, see ya, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista, kick rocks, and get the hell out.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Well since you put it that way, I will. It's time for me to leave the nest, spread my wings, and fly.

Michael Kyle:
Yeah, well, it's going to have to flap real hard to get that big dodo egg head off the ground.

[When their son leaves home and moves into an apartment]

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
You did what?

Michael Kyle:
Actually, I didn't do anything. He said he wanted to leave, so I said goodbye.

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
No, no, no, I know you better than that, Michael. You didn't just say fine, did you?

Michael Kyle:
Well, actually I said "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, kick rocks, and get the hell out," like that.

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
Do you mean to tell me that you told MY SON "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista, and get the hell out" - to MY BABY.

Michael Kyle:
No, actually I said "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista baby, KICK ROCKS, [pauses] and get the hell out. You forgot the "kick rocks." That's really important.

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
Michael, How did he react when you said "so long, see ya sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci, later loser, goodbye, good riddance, peace out, let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya, don't come back around here no more, KICK ROCKS, and get the hell out?"

Michael Kyle:
Actually, you left out the "hasta la vista"...

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
Oh, Michael. Don't say it, again.

[makes a diving motion]

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
I'm on edge, I swear.

Michael Kyle:
Then there was one, the dumb one.

Michael Kyle Jr.:
He came in and tore up my whole room. He's gone too far!

Kady Kyle:
Yeah!

Claire Kyle:
Well he cut me off the phone and wouldn't give me an advance on my allowance. He is out of control.

Kady Kyle:
Yeah!

Michael Kyle Jr.:
And look at what he did to Kady, she looks like Mick Jagger!

Kady Kyle:
Yeah!

Michael Kyle Jr., Claire Kyle:
Will you shut up?

Kady Kyle:
Yeah.

Michael Kyle Jr.:
[about a chicken] How would I go about cooking this?

Michael Kyle:
Oh you see, advice is something I only give to my good children who follow my rules.

Michael Kyle Jr.:
Okay, I'll just thaw it and eat it raw, ever heard of sushi?

Michael Kyle:
Ever hear of salmonella?

Michael Kyle Jr.:
No but if she can cook, send her on over.

Michael Kyle:
[to Claire] That's your leader.

Michael Kyle:
How are the rebels doing?

Kady Kyle:
Claire's about to crack.

Michael Kyle:
[gives her a sucker] Good work, number 29.

Michael Kyle Jr.:
Yo Mike, I'm thinking of taking up smoking after dinner, what do you think?

Michael Kyle:
Don't matter to me, you could eat with your ding ding out.

Claire Kyle:
[Michael cuts off the phone call] That was so rude!

Michael Kyle:
So is this! [waves her off] I'm not a fart, you don't just [wave]

Michael Kyle:
Claire,I don't want to go to the prom by yourself. Don't you know what it stands for?

Claire Kyle #2:
No.

Michael Kyle:
Penes Rubbing Against My Daughter.

Michael Kyle:
Claire is not going to that prom!

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Yes, she is!

Michael Kyle:
No, she isn't!

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Yes, she is!

Michael Kyle:
No, she isn't!

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
No, she isn't!

Michael Kyle:
Yes, she is and that's final!

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Thank you!

Michael Kyle:
Hey, wait a minute, you Bugs Bunny'd me!

Michael Kyle Jr.:
For once, I'm not the dumbest guy in the room.

Tony Jeffers:
Yes, You are!

Michael Kyle Jr.:
You just proved me right; It's "Yes, You is!"

Michael Kyle:
I think you should quit while you're behind, son.

Michael Kyle Jr.:
I'll Just do that!

[Michael has a black eye]

Michael Kyle:
This isn't funny Jay, what am i supposed to tell them at work?

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
Tell 'em the truth, tell them your son *knocked* you out!

Michael Kyle:
I'd rather say you did it

Janet 'Jay' Marie Kyle:
Oh, that's even better, see i had to lay down the law, he didn't respect his woman, when i say i want my diamonds, i want my diamonds now!

Michael Kyle:
[about Tony] What is it with this kid? he's like a religious Eddie Haskell.

Claire Kyle:
Why don't you get your own boyfriend, and lay off mine?

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Maybe I will!

Michael Kyle:
[Claire's holding her jacket shut] What're you wearing under that jacket?

Claire Kyle:
Nothing.

Michael Kyle:
That's what I'm afraid of, open it up. [Claire opens the jacket showing a tube top] There is no way you are leaving the house looking like that.

Claire Kyle:
Dad, it's just a tube top.

Michael Kyle:
No, it's just an excuse for boys to see your nippies.

Claire Kyle:
Mom said it's okay.

Michael Kyle:
Well we'll ask her that after you get home from school wearing your turtleneck.

Michael Kyle:
[Kady's speaking Spanish after being around the maid] Okay, la cucaracha, now let's switch back to English.

Kady Kyle:
S?, Daddy.

Michael Kyle:
No, YES Daddy.

Kady Kyle:
[huffs] Okay, yes Daddy.

Michael Kyle:
[holding her hand on her forehead] You got a headache? [shows her eyebrows are gone] What happened to your eyebrows?

Claire Kyle:
I got a little carried away with the tweezers. How do I look?

Michael Kyle:
Surprised.

Claire Kyle:
This is what boys like.

Michael Kyle:
Forget about what boys like, what do you like? Don't live your life for anybody but yourself.

Michael Kyle:
Boys are going to lie. They're going to tell you anything to get you to do whatever they want. They'll even say they love you. But they don't love you. I love you.

Claire Kyle:
I love you too, Daddy.

Michael Kyle:
As weird as it may sound, son, women communicate by talking.

Michael Kyle:
[after Jr. rolls over the hood] Hey, you roll over this car one more time, the car gonna roll over *you*.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
[Junior's aunt has brought him a present]

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
[looks at it] Toilet water!

Kelly Kyle:
No, it's eau de toilette. It's a very expensive French cologne.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
Oh, French! Gracias!

Michael Kyle:
Why don't you just get your tubes tied?

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Because that is major surgery, this is just a little snip snip.

Michael Kyle:
There is no such thing as a little snip snip, that's like a little chop chop or a little stab stab, or a little kick kick to the groin.

Michael Kyle:
[last lines, Michael didn't go through with the vasectomy and insisted Jay get her tubes tied, Jay comes out of the doctor's office] I've changed my mind, I don't want you going through this procedure. It'll be easier for me to just have the vasectomy.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
It doesn't matter anymore.

Michael Kyle:
Why not?

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Because I'm pregnant.

Michael Kyle:
Only an idiot would wanna be here tonight.

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
I'm so glad we came here, and on alien night too! It's amazing!

Stuart Tyler:
I'm your private dancer!

Michael Kyle:
[after being busted for erasing Kady's first steps on tape, Michael pretends to cry in order to get Jay to soften up on him] This is what happened; I was watching the game and LeBron James had 35 points at the half and I recorded it... I didn't mean to! I've been guilty ever since! I can't eat, I can't sleep... I've been blacking out!

Michael Kyle Jr.:
Hey! What happened to all that "Never cry in front of your woman" stuff?

Michael Kyle:
[Still pretend sobbing] Do you want me to Black *You* Out?

Michael Kyle Jr.:
No.

Michael Kyle:
Then Support me!

Bobby Shaw:
Remember when Calvin Klein put "CK" on everything? Well, Bobby Shaw's gonna put *BS* on everything!

Michael Kyle, Jr.:
So you want me to marry a guy, who beats me?

Michael Kyle:
Only if you love him, son.

[repeated line]

Michael Kyle:
Booyashaka!

Michael Kyle:
Hey Tony, what does a ghost say?

Tony Jeffers:
Boo.

Michael Kyle:
Yashaka!

Michael Kyle:
[talking to Dr. Bouche] I don't know what happened to my wife. She left with a body of J. Lo and came back with a body like Jello.

Michael Kyle:
I dreamt I was on a sandy beach and a all of a sudden a giant whale was chasing me.

Dr. Bouche:
Was it a sperm whale?

Michael Kyle:
No.

Dr. Bouche:
Damn, I'd know what that meant.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
[in a dream where Michael and the kids are morbidly obese] Where's Kady?

Kady Kyle:
[rolling on the floor] Feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me.

Michael Kyle:
Remember when I lost my hair, you had all the jokes? I was Sherman Hemsley, I was Mr. Clean, I was Kojack, remember this? [sticks his head under her armpit] You said I was your roll on deodorant.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
It's funnier when it's you instead of me, Michael,

Michael Kyle:
Well we need to laugh at you, Jay, because we can either laugh at this or you need to do something about it.

Michael Kyle:
What if I gained 50 pounds? Would you still love me the same?

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Yes.

Michael Kyle:
As small as my head is, I'll look like Beetlejuice.

Michael Kyle:
[in a dream where Michael is morbidly obese] Don't tell Kady this, but I got hungry and ate her goldfish on the way down.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Oh no, Michael, not again!

Michael Kyle:
Uh huh, I get hungry.

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Maybe next time just get her a puppy.

Michael Kyle:
Hmmmm, a puppy!

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Stop!

Michael Kyle:
Maybe a little barbecue sauce...

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Will you just stop?

Michael Kyle:
So how's your mother?

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Oh please, you know how she is, she had me cooking for her all the time. Her answer to everything has always been food.

Michael Kyle:
You must've had a million questions.

Kady Kyle:
Daddy's giving Junior a thousand dollars if he gets a "A"

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Secret motivational techniques?

Michael Kyle:
Well, what's the big deal if it works?

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
The big deal, Michael, is that it's just wrong. He should want to do out without money being an incentive!

Michael Kyle:
Why?

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
Because I want him to learn Maths for the love of learning!

Michael Kyle:
Why?

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
So he could get a good job!

Michael Kyle:
And why?

Janet 'Jay' Kyle:
So he could make a lot of money!

Michael Kyle:
I rest my case!

Uhhhh noooo!