New Girl

Jess:
[Jess is high from her medication] You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller.

Jess:
[to Nick] I brought something from school that reminds me of you. [pulls out a stick] It's a feeling stick. Whoever is holding the feeling stick has permission to say whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I'll go first. Um, I feel like I want to know what you're feeling.

Nick Miller:
[walks over and breaks the stick]

Jess:
Believe it or not, that is not the first time someone has broken my feeling stick. [pulls out another stick] I have a travel size.

Nick Miller:
You're a freaking gold digger, Jess!

Jess:
Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world!

Nick Miller:
Schmidt, if you come back, I'll let you clean my room.

Schmidt:
[gasps] The white whale.

Nick Miller:
Think of how many dust bunnies are under my bed; how many stray socks.

Nick Miller:
Jess, are you okay?

Jess:
No! This is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I've lived a very fortunate life!

Nick Miller:
I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.

Nick Miller:
[Nick walks in to see Jess packing kitchen appliances into a garbage bag] Whoa, whoa, Jess! What are you doing? That's my ketchup collection.

Jess:
This fertility website says I need to get rid of anything with toxins.

Nick Miller:
Did you put the microwave in the trash?

Jess:
Yes.

Nick Miller:
Why would you do that?

Jess:
Microwaves zap things! [they argue]

Nick Miller:
It's what makes burritos delicious!

Jess:
You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?

Nick Miller:
You're puttin' me in a tough spot.

Nick Miller:
Jess has absolutely lost her mind.

Jess:
I have not lost my mind! I'm just scared.

Nick Miller:
Would you trust me? You're gonna be fine. You're gonna meet somebody and fall in love and then before you know it you're gonna [makes popping sounds]

Jess:
With who, Nick? Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?

Schmidt:
I'll man up. But I must warn you, Jess - I don't have sperms. I have tadpoles. Of the gods. And I'm gonna give 'em to you. You can have 'em all for all I care. That's how much I love you. I feel your pain in this situation. I want you to have babies. Take my sperms.

Winston Bishop:
No. It should be me, Jess.

Jess:
[baffled] What?

Winston Bishop:
With your big, beautiful blue eyes and my Blair Underwood-like skin, we'd have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen.

Schmidt:
He's not wrong. It could get into any school it wants.

Jess:
To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me. I think it's important that's been said.

Nick Miller:
Good. 'Cause it's definitely not me.

Jess:
Cause it's definitely not you.

Nick Miller:
I would love that little baby with all my heart. Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear and hitting on the crossing guard.

Jess:
Nick kissed me!

Cece:
What!

Jess:
I've got to tell Sam. I can't tell Sam! I didn't even do anything wrong! Nick kissed *me*; I didn't even kiss him back! Okay, fine! I kissed him back! Is that what you want me to say?

Cece:
I literally haven't said a word for, like, over an hour.

Jess:
And now he won't even talk to me! 'Cause I saw him this morning and he just panicked moon-walked away from me.

Cece:
He what?

Jess:
He does that sometimes. And then... Ha! Nick just... He just... He just...

Cece:
Kisses you.

Jess:
Stupid Nick Miller!

Cece:
How was it? Was it...?

Jess:
I was like Scarlett O'Hara in my freaking curtain dress.

Cece:
Yeah, but *how* did he do it?

Jess:
He just, like, grabbed me. And he just took me. I mean, he was a man and I was a woman. It was firm, but tender.

Cece:
Damn.

Jess:
Yeah I saw through space and time for a minute but that's not the point!

Schmidt:
I'm in way over my head, Nick. I'm doing something terrible.

Nick Miller:
Well, what is it, man?

Schmidt:
You're gonna get mad at me.

Nick Miller:
I'm your best friend. I was there for you when you fell off the deck at Chester's graduation and I'm here for you now. There's nothing you could say that I'd get mad at.

Schmidt:
Okay, I can do this. [laughs uncomfortably] Do you know I broke up with Elizabeth so that I could start dating CeCe again?

Nick Miller:
Absolutely, and it was really hard for you.

Schmidt:
Yeah, that actually never happened.

Nick Miller:
What do you mean?

Schmidt:
I'm still dating Elizabeth.

Nick Miller:
[confused] What do you mean?

Schmidt:
I'm dating both of them, and neither one of them knows it, and I feel terrible about it.

Nick Miller:
But Elizabeth is gone. [Schmidt shakes his head] What do you mean?

Schmidt:
She's not gone.

Nick Miller:
So you broke up with CeCe...

Schmidt:
I didn't break up with either one of them.

Nick Miller:
[with a horrified expression] What do you mean?

Schmidt:
You process this however you need to process it. If you want to keep talking it out...

Nick Miller:
Which one are you dating?

Schmidt:
Both.

Nick Miller:
Are you dating CeCe?

Schmidt:
I'm dating CeCe.

Nick Miller:
Are you dating Elizabeth?

Schmidt:
Yes.

Nick Miller:
How do you do that?

Schmidt:
They made me choose.

Nick Miller:
You have to choose. You can't have both women.

Schmidt:
What was I supposed to do?

Nick Miller:
What, you think you can have a bunch of wives? You get one wife! This is the way the world woks!

Schmidt:
Why?

Nick Miller:
I don't know.

Schmidt:
I feel terrible about this, i don't know what to do.

Nick Miller:
How could you do this with Jess' best friend?

Schmidt:
I don't know! I feel really badly about it!

Nick Miller:
In your little brain, how do you see this ending?

Schmidt:
I see it ending badly. Very, very badly. But you know what? I just... [chuckles] I want to thank you, though. Just for being there for me.

Nick Miller:
I'm not listening to you and I'm not there for you.

Schmidt:
Because now we're in this together.

Nick Miller:
We're not in this together and I'm not listening and I'm not there so just stop telling me things! What would you like me to do with this information?

Schmidt:
Well it really helped me to tell you. You should tell somebody. Get it off your chest.

Nick Miller:
Like who?

Schmidt:
Well, certainly not Jess.

Nick Miller:
[Makes a retching noise]

Schmidt:
I found this parking spot. [Everyone argues] Give me the spot or I'll kill you all!

Nick Miller:
[doing an exercise at the Indian convention] Jess, you liked kissing me. It's fine to say that.

Jess:
No, I didn't.

Nick Miller:
I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me; it was a nice kiss.

Jess:
You were like a dog and my mouth was like a bowl full of dog... milk!

Nick Miller:
It was like a damn fairytale, that kiss! It was the kiss of your life!

Jess:
Are you serious, Nick?

Nick Miller:
And you have to take a little responsibility, tarting around in that little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed.

Jess:
Tarting around?

Nick Miller:
I'm a man, Jessica! Pink robes are my catnip.

Anu:
And we have a winning couple!

Jess, Nick Miller:
We are not a couple!

Nick Miller:
Guys, let's just say that hypothetically, a girl says something to you while she's on painkillers. And that girl says that she might want to have sexual intercourse with you...

Winston Bishop:
Please tell me we're not talking about Jess.

Nick Miller:
And you had no idea that's how she felt. Like, no idea. You thought the door was closed. In fact, you thought that door was so closed that you went out to another door but had I known that the first door was open, that's the door I wanted to walk through. I would've walked through that door. Do you see how I'm in a tough spot?

Schmidt:
Can we stop calling it 'walking through a door' because for me I feel it's more like sliding past a drape.

Jess:
Schmidt! Hey! My best friend? You Long Island street trash!

Schmidt:
Damn it, Nick! You told her?

Jess:
No he didn't tell me! I - I happened upon it!

Schmidt:
Oh, you happened upon it? Where, in the town square?

Nick Miller:
Jess, I swear I never wanted to be involved in this. You're so pretty.

Jess:
Put your freaking visor down. [turns to Schmidt] Now you will tell CeCe or I will, you... you crumb bum!

Schmidt:
Jess...

Jess:
You crumb bum!

Schmidt:
Yes, well said.

Jess:
A no-nail oath? You thought I was gonna sleep with one of you, like I just couldn't help it?

Nick Miller:
It was me, Jess. I couldn't help it.

Schmidt:
Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will, I could break them up with one email. Oh look at that, look at the royal baby now, living with slutty Aunt Pippa.

Nick Miller:
When i was 9 years old i fed cereal flakes to a frog and it died. Then there was a period of time where i fed cereal flakes to all little animals. Squirrels can live through it. Chipmunks can live through it. Anything that lives half in and out of water dies, and i don't understand why.

Nick Miller:
When i was 10 i once walked by my mother sleeping, and i snuck ind her room and i put a lemon in her mouth.

Nick Miller:
When i was 11 i once tried on my girl cousin's woolen tights, AND I DIDN'T HATE THE WAY IT FELT!

Nick Miller:
Do you know sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you way too long, they got too much on you. I want to have friends to still lie to me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.

Schmidt:
Yes, she is sleeping on my sheets right now, not yours bro, MINE! [jumps awkwardly up the wall] Parkour!

Schmidt:
Well you have found my flabergast button, and guess what, you pressed it.

Winston Bishop:
Did you hear the joke about the two black and the two white guys who walked into a police station? The two white guys came out.

Jess:
No, I mean you're like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, professional magician crazy.

Nick Miller:
I put a word search in the novel!

Sadie:
[to Schmidt]... You have earned the rank of, and I will use the phrase you coined, Vaginius.

Nick Miller:
I'm becoming Ernest Hemmingway.

Winston Bishop:
This is not life experience, this is procrastination at the zoo.

Jess:
I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me.

Jess:
Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?

Nick Miller:
I'm a writer, Jess. We create life.

Schmidt:
You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you, well, a genius.

Jess:
I wanna give my nipples a purpose!

Cece:
Babies wreck you, Jess. They literally eat your body.

Jess:
Fertilize me, Los Angeles!

Jess:
In the meantime, everyone just stay calm. I don't think the badger is actually rabid. He's just kind of a dick.

Winston:
You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.

[Nick suddenly realizes Jess' doctor is an OB-GYN]

Nick:
I don't have a vagina.

Sweet Older Woman:
You can have mine.

Jess:
I heard that, sistah.

Sweet Older Woman:
True dat.

Jess:
How many ears did Daniel Boone have? He had a left ear, a right ear, and a [suddenly musical] Front-ier!

[She and Nick both chuckle]

Jess:
Frontier. Get it?

Nick:
You don't get to speak at my funeral.

Jess:
Nick, are you okay?

Nick:
No, I'm not okay, Jess! I'm not okay! When I woke up today, I wanted to play a friendly game of touch football. Then I hurt my back, I went to your gynechologist, and now I might have cancer! So no, Jess! I'm not okay!

Schmidt:
Well, let me ask you this: have you been wearing my underpants?

Nick:
Sometimes, yeah. Who cares? [Schmidt makes a gagging face]

Nick:
[to Schmidt and Winston] You guys don't wear each other's underpants? You're lying. We all wear each other's underwear.

Jess:
Nick, your girlfriend said she's not a dessert person!

Nick:
I'm not good at being a boyfriend. I'm good at being that guy you find yourself spending more and more time with until you meet your husband.

Jess:
Alright, so, so far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships.

Nick:
And blueberries.

Nick:
I'm having sex all the time. I'm like a mailman... [awkwardly] except, instead of mail, it's hot sex I deliver.

Julia:
I had to start carrying hot athletic shoes in my purse, because I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another.

Jess:
I'm gonna cry, too, and where am I supposed to cry? You can't monopolize the... bathroom crying space.

Sadie:
[to Schmidt] Did you just hear the words 'lesbian community' and come running out of your room?

Jess:
I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person... it freaks me out!

Schmidt:
I just look at that picture [of a micro-penis] and wonder, Is there a God? And if there is, did he run out of clay?

Schmidt:
[about Nick's penis] Why haven't I seen it?

Winston:
Why do you wanna see it?

Schmidt:
He's my best friend.

Winston:
Again, why do you wanna see it?

Russell:
Those boxers you borrowed, I'm gonna need those back. They're my lucky underpants.

Ashley:
I had a dream about a crouton last night, and, uh... that was the whole dream.

Jess Day:
Love is never what you think it's gonna be, is it?

Nick Miller:
No, it isn't.

Bob Day:
You know what I'm thankful for today? Divorce.

Bob Day:
It's alright, I'll spend my holiday at a Los Angeles coffee shop, sitting around with people who have nothing better to do on Thanksgiving than work on their screenplay. I probably won't want to blow my head off.

Schmidt:
Jess, I'm not done with that! It's 18-dollar granola, hand-made!

Schmidt:
Where's Krista?

Big Schmidt:
Krista and I have a new arrangement. I can sleep with whoever I want, but she doesn't speak to me or live with me anymore.

Schmidt:
What fuels men? Competition, and sex. That's why the United Nations was born, that's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships, and that's why there's a No Nail Oath in apartment 4D.

[from trailer]

Schmidt:
I'll be, like, your guide.

Jessica Day:
Like Gandalf... through Middle Earth?

Schmidt:
Probably not like... okay... first off let's take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep, dark cave where no one's going to find them.

Jessica Day:
Except Sm?agol...

[whispers]

Jessica Day:
He lives in a cave.

Hot Hostess:
[from trailer] You're all on a date?

Nick:
Yeah, we, uh, we're her boyfriends. We're reverse Mormons. One man just isn't enough for her.

Jess:
[Jess is trying to think anything but sex with Nick, but Nick's shopping list at the hardware store isn't helping... ] Long-shafted... drive drill? [pause] New nut... wrench?

Nick Miller:
[Jess isn't even listening to Nick] Our old one was bad.

Jess:
Quick hardening... caulk?

Nick Miller:
I've been waiting forever for that caulk to harden.

Jess:
Lube for... drill shaft?

Nick Miller:
Can we also get a box of gummy sharks?

Nick Miller:
I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy with all those ladies' voices coming and then the guy's rapping. I think it's awesome.

Nick Miller:
You know what Jess, I don't live in a world where I smile and people do what I want them to do.

Jess:
You always see the worst in people.

Nick Miller:
Yeah, because people are the worst.

Nick Miller:
I can't believe this is working. You out-crazied a man with a gun!

Schmidt:
Guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat?

Schmidt:
Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?

Schmidt:
Has anyone seen my croquet cleats?

Schmidt:
Hey Jess, have you seen my other timepiece?

Schmidt:
I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere.

Winston Bishop:
I couldn't stop you from inviting Jax to the party, but I can stop it from going any further. I will not lose Jax as a friend, okay? I might not have any game, but oh my goodness, can I take game away.

Jess:
I'm getting that mouth on my mouth, and don't you try to stop me, you...

Winston Bishop:
Look, clearly I have the upper hand when it comes to Jax.

Jess:
Do you?

Winston Bishop:
Oh, I do, because I know all about sports. Jess, you know nothing about sports.

Jess:
Oh, what am I going to do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, b*obs, legs, and adorable personality. [chuckles] Fool.

Winston Bishop:
I got like three of those things.

Jax McTavish:
Um, I'd like to report that a missing item. My heart. It was stolen by that little heart thief right there. [points to Jess]

Jess:
I'm... I'm innocent. I didn't... I was framed.

Jax McTavish:
I just want to say in front of God and all these people at this gorgeous party that I'm in love with you.

Jess:
Mmm. no... Nah.

Jax McTavish:
And I know it's early, but I think I met the girl that I'm gonna marry.

Jess:
Wh-who?

Jax McTavish:
I'm gonna marry you!

Jess:
We are not on the same page.

Jax McTavish:
I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna put a baby in you. We're gonna have dogs and cats. I met my third wife! [party guests applaud and cheer]

Jess:
The Batmobile doesn't have this many buttons!

[the gang finds out CeCe lost her virginity to Mick Jagger]

Winston Bishop:
What? I'm confused. That is *not* an embarrassing story.

Cece:
I know. But I just like telling it.

Jess Day:
He's so soft as a towel.