Royal Pains

[opening montage]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[voiceover] I'm Hank. I was your typical emergency room doctor... till I got fired.

Hospital Administrator:
You let a billionaire hospital trustee die to save some kid off the street.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I made a judgment call.

Hospital Administrator:
You made a mistake.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[voiceover] This is my brother.

Evan R. Lawson:
I'm Evan R. Lawson, C.P.A.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[voiceover] He took me away from my troubles and to the Hamptons, and suddenly I had a chance to become a whole new kind of doctor. It turns out the wealthy and not-so-wealthy out here could use a guy who makes house calls, so I got a second chance to do what I do best.

Paige Collins:
Are you spying on Evan for Hank?

Divya Katdare:
[feigning ignorance] Excuse me?

Paige Collins:
I saw you use your phone. And then Hank came downstairs and now he's going after the spa.

Divya Katdare:
I promise you, I am not spying on Evan.

Paige Collins:
So what are you doing?

Divya Katdare:
What am I doing?

Paige Collins:
Yeah, what are you doing?

Divya Katdare:
Well...

Paige Collins:
Well?

Divya Katdare:
Well, indeed.

Paige Collins:
You're trying to undermine Evan, aren't you?

Divya Katdare:
Okay. The truth is, I am not trying to undermine Evan. I'm trying to undermine both of them.

Paige Collins:
Why would you do that?

Divya Katdare:
Because if I can make them both fail separately, then they will realize that they need each other. And then everything, finally, will get back to normal.

[Paige grabs Divya and hugs her tightly]

Paige Collins:
Oh, please do it fast. Whatever it takes, Divya. I just... I really miss old Evan.

Divya Katdare:
Okay. I got it.

Natalie:
For the record, I hate needles.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Really? Because most folks love them. Did they turn you into a pincushion when you were sick?

Natalie:
What is a pincushion?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
A cushion, for pins. Sometimes shaped like a tomato. My mom had one.

Natalie:
Oh, like from the old days.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah. She kept it by the butter churn. Open up, please.

Natalie:
[Hank holds up an oral swab] What's with the giant Q-tip?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I'm doing a rapid strep test. Open. And making sure your mono isn't back. But you have no fever, no abdominal pain. So I'm thinking it's just a virus and some strained vocal chords. You've been singing a lot this summer?

Natalie:
I wouldn't be singing at all if my parents had let me stay in the city. You should tell them that, since they want to run my life.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Natalie, you're my patient. I'm not gonna tell your parents anything without your permission.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What is that?

Natalie:
Deer hide, I think. The general likes to shoot unarmed animals.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Natalie, would you show me your hands? These black spots, do they hurt?

Natalie:
No. They just appear. Why? What are they? Don't tell me this is one of those life-endangering exceptions you talked about.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I don't think so. But you may have been infected by a bacterium. Bacillus anthracis. I'm using the big words because I don't want you to be scared by the small one.

Natalie:
What's the word?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Anthrax.

Eddie R. Lawson:
You know how I didn't want you and Evan to come down here?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah.

Eddie R. Lawson:
Let me just say that I'm really glad disobedience runs in our family.

[Hank chuckles]

Eddie R. Lawson:
I've been on my own so long, I thought I didn't need anybody. I thought I could just put this all back together myself.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Put what back together?

Eddie R. Lawson:
Everything. My life. And things with dad, and with all of us. Oh, I had a plan. Sometimes I am amazed at how complicated I make things for myself.

Evan R. Lawson:
If you don't show up for his parole hearing, you'll be punishing him, but you'll be punishing us, too, you know.

Ted Roth:
If you feel punished, you should talk to your father.

Evan R. Lawson:
You know, you couldn't be more wrong about my mom. Money never mattered to her at all. She only cared about her family. You never knew her. You don't even know your own son, and now... you're never going to know your grandsons. Which sucks for you, because we happen to be pretty amazing.

[Evan wants to hire Paige to work at HankMed, but is concerned about what it might do to their personal relationship]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I never thought I'd see the day when Evan R. Lawson, CFO of HankMed, wasn't willing to take a risk.

Evan R. Lawson:
Mr. Burman.

Mr. Burman:
Evan.

Evan R. Lawson:
Hi. What are you doing here?

Mr. Burman:
Yeah, sorry to just drop in. I have an appointment tomorrow to, uh, get my stitches out. But I was in the neighborhood, so... Is Hank here?

Evan R. Lawson:
Um... Hank doesn't work here anymore.

Mr. Burman:
This isn't HankMed anymore?

Evan R. Lawson:
No, no. This-this-this is the new and improved HankMed. With Dr. Van Dyke, who you will love.

Mr. Burman:
Can he see me now?

Evan R. Lawson:
He... is not available right now.

Mr. Burman:
When will he be available?

Evan R. Lawson:
I'm not sure. Could be a while.

Mr. Burman:
So, to recap. HankMed has no Hank. You have a new Hank, but he can't see me now, or any time soon.

Evan R. Lawson:
So, uh... I... I need your help.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Does it involve a paternity test, an arrest warrant, or a hit man?

Evan R. Lawson:
[laughs] No, not... no, this time, no.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[Marshall has asked Hank to help him get sober] I'm sure we can find a good facility in the area.

Marshall Bryant:
Actually, I'm... I'm ahead of you on this. I've danced around this decision for a while, I've looked at all the options, and I have found the right fit.

[Marshall pulls out a pamphlet and hands it to Hank]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Ultra Rapid Detox?

Marshall Bryant:
They do the whole thing under anesthesia. The meds they give you provide an accelerated withdrawal. Six, eight hours later, when you wake up, the worst of it's passed.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[flipping through the pamphlet] Yeah, uh, I'm not seeing their accreditation on this or what hospital they're affiliated with.

Marshall Bryant:
I spoke to them. They can have their anesthesiologist here tomorrow. We'll do the whole thing right here, at home.

Tucker Bryant:
You can be at home the whole time?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. You don't want to go under anesthesia outside a medical facility. There-there are too many risk factors. One guy with an IV can't handle every contingency.

Marshall Bryant:
Which is why I want you to supervise, act as my... my general contractor.

Tucker Bryant:
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
No, it doesn't. Look, they-they don't spell out what they give you to "accelerate withdrawal," but intensifying the process of yanking opiates off receptors could be torture.

Marshall Bryant:
Which is why they knock you out. Do I sense some disappointment here, Hank, that I won't be awake and suffering enough?

Tucker Bryant:
No. No one wants you to suffer.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Of course not, but this... this sounds like a shortcut.

Marshall Bryant:
Well, shortcuts get you where you want to go.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
They can also get you lost.

Evan R. Lawson:
It's amazing. You can actually sew up a human being but you can't wrap something with parallel sides.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You know, I went to medical school, not the American Academy of Gift Giving.

Marshall Bryant:
You didn't think I'd miss your birthday, now, did ya?

Tucker Bryant:
I take the fifth.

Divya Katdare:
Well, that man is offensive.

Evan R. Lawson:
That man is a role model.

Divya Katdare:
He's YOU, uninterested in anything beneath a woman's surface.

Evan R. Lawson:
I TRY to see beneath their surface. That's why I stare so hard.

Ana:
[reading Evan's business card] "HankMed." You're the doctor?

Evan R. Lawson:
No. I'm who the doctor works for.

Marshall Bryant:
[loudly] Hank! I think we're about to hug.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
We are?

Marshall Bryant:
I don't see any way around it. You're a good man. I would like to bridge the divide that separated us.

[hugs Hank]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[awkwardly] It's... feeling bridged as we speak.

Marshall Bryant:
[lowly in Hank's ear] What the hell are you doing here?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Your dad would listen to ME?

Tucker Bryant:
Yeah. You stood up to him, and no one does that, and I think he respects it.

Marshall Bryant:
Well, I'm glad you stopped by. Tucker needs immunizations for Kenya. Think you could hook him up with that?'

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Can't Dr. Fitzsimmons handle it?

Marshall Bryant:
You saw that some of Bridget's pills had my name on it, huh?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Most of them, prescribed by Dr. Feelgood Fitz, who I checked up on.

Marshall Bryant:
If you have an accusation, make it.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
No accusation - an observation. Last night your pupils were saucers. Today they're pinpoints.

Marshall Bryant:
So?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
So you're mixing uppers and opiates and chasing them with alcohol.

Marshall Bryant:
That's bad news. We should be very worried about me.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Well, the good news is you still have options. You haven't destroyed your liver yet, you're a man with resources...

Marshall Bryant:
And you're a man SEEKING resources.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That's not what this is about.

Marshall Bryant:
No?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Look, if you want to make a change...

Marshall Bryant:
I don't. And never mind about the immunizations. Once again, Hank... you're fired. Stop by again. We'll go for the hat trick.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[having treated Tucker] Okay, Tucker, you know the drill now.

Tucker Bryant:
Yep. Monitor swelling, plenty of ice.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
But as your friend and a doctor, I can't let you spend the night in a high-risk environment.

Libby:
He can stay at my place, Hank.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Okay. I'll give you both a ride.

Marshall Bryant:
That's not necessary.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yes, it is.

Marshall Bryant:
If I had hurt Tucker...

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You did. You are. And trying to hide so he won't see you like you saw your dad doesn't work. He's seventeen now, and you've only got a couple more years before you lose the chance to connect with him... maybe for good.

Evan R. Lawson:
Enjoy my beach. Actually, if you look, it's famous for its, uh...

[Ana removes her top, exposing her breasts]

Evan R. Lawson:
...double dunes.

[By sitting on the beach topless, Ana is unknowingly making it difficult for Evan to be just her friend]

Evan R. Lawson:
You know, Ana, um... Um, you should really put something on, um, just because... It's not that it's making me uncomfortable and anxious. It's just that the sun and your fair skin, it's just making me, you know, excited - eh, WORRIED is the word I'd use, really, um - and you're also a police officer, and a giant spider.

Marshall Bryant:
One long weekend and I'm back in action, okay? There's no disrupting my life.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You NEED to disrupt your life. The allure of a quick fix is what got you addicted in the first place.

Divya Katdare:
Evan has a patient... a friend... who he says needs help.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Evan has a friend?

Divya Katdare:
Well, at this hour, one can only imagine.

Tucker Bryant:
[having seen Marshall's difficult detox] So I'm guessing one doesn't really go trough all of that from "occasional" use.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, probably not.

Tucker Bryant:
What do I do when he wakes up?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, don't worry. I'll be here.

Tucker Bryant:
No, I mean, we can't pretend like everything's okay anymore. How do I face him after this?

Evan R. Lawson:
Oh, by the way, that girl I asked you for the advice about? Took her to the beach and, though I was completely just trying to be friends with her, she took her top off - 'cause she's, like, Polish - and she turned blue. Like, literally, her entire body turned blue like a filthy Smurfette.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You went to the beach with a naked blue girl?

Divya Katdare:
She turned blue afterwards, actually.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Okay. I'm clearly hallucinating. Good night, good morning, and good luck.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I HAVE to keep people waiting.

Tucker Bryant:
Get in the car. I'm driving. Hank was right.

Tucker Bryant:
I told him what I really wanted for my birthday.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[about Evan proposing to Paige] Well?

Evan R. Lawson:
[disappointed] Well...

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What?

Evan R. Lawson:
[happy] She said yes!

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That's great! Ev, that's great.

Evan R. Lawson:
Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I'm sensing a "but".

Evan R. Lawson:
But I got to get the general's blessing first.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Wait, wait, wait. You didn't ask her father?

Evan R. Lawson:
You knew people still did that? Why would you not tell me that?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I don't know. I just assumed you and I lived in the same society.

Evan R. Lawson:
I need to come up with a speech to convince the general that I'm worthy of his daughter. It has to be my Mona Lisa, my "Sgt. Pepper's", my "Life of Pi". I need to use impressive phrases like "alacrity" and "capricious". I have to open my heart and let that magnificent bastard look inside. Yeah.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Would that work on the general, or anyone?

Evan R. Lawson:
You're right, a speech is not gonna work at all.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
General Collins strikes me as a no-nonsense type of guy. Why not keep it simple, you know? Just talk about the things you have in common.

Evan R. Lawson:
Okay. The only thing he and I have in common, though, is that neither of us were raised by wolves.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That's not true. You have one other thing in common.

Evan R. Lawson:
What's that?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You both love Paige.

Divya Katdare:
I am so glad that you agreed to join me on Saturday.

Jill Casey:
Yeah, about that... Would you hate me forever if I bailed?

Divya Katdare:
What, you're not a fan of the Bard?

Jill Casey:
Who's the Bard?

Divya Katdare:
You just answered my question.

Evan R. Lawson:
[Hank ignores an incoming phone call] Did you just ignore miss "I am such an Aston Martin girl"?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
She shouldn't take it personally. I'm ignoring you, too.

Ken Keller:
Jill Casey, this is Greg Jennings. Jill was just telling me she's a big fan, and I was telling her that you're always nice to your fans.

Jill Casey:
Nice to meet you, Mr. Jennings.

Greg Jennings:
Nice to meet you. Would you like an autograph?

Ken Keller:
Careful, she might want to hit you up for some money for a clinic she runs.

Greg Jennings:
[laughs] That sounds doable. Maybe we can chat after the event.

Jill Casey:
Yeah, sure, but, uh, that's not why I wanted to meet you.

Greg Jennings:
No? Would you like a photo?

Jill Casey:
Maybe later, but first... I would love to know how you were held to one catch against the Vikings in '09.

Greg Jennings:
You play fantasy football?

Jill Casey:
I grew up with three brothers. I traded my second round draft pick for you. You were a first alternate to the Pro Bowl, you posted back to back 1,000 yard seasons, and then, one catch?

Ken Keller:
You do know he scored two touchdowns in the Super Bowl, which his team also won?

Jill Casey:
That's great for him. '09 against the Vikings.

Greg Jennings:
I came back the next game.

Jill Casey:
Yeah, after I benched you.

Greg Jennings:
You benched me?

Jill Casey:
[pulling Jill away] All right, come on. Come on.

Jill Casey:
Oh, yeah. I benched you.

Ken Keller:
Thanks very much, Greg.

Jill Casey:
Wow. Take care, Ken.

Ken Keller:
Yeah, we'll talk later.

Jill Casey:
Benchwarmer!

Paige Collins:
I just got some really bad news. Maybe you could help me.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, I'm happy to try.

Paige Collins:
Would it be covered under the doctor/patient confidentiality?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Is it medical in nature?

Paige Collins:
Yes. Unfortunately.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Then, uh, yeah. Yeah, it would.

Paige Collins:
Okay.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
But Paige, first let me say, um, Evan loves you. And I'm a little concerned about my knowing something about you that you don't want him to know. It could all of us in a really tricky situation.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Graham, when was the last time you had your eyes checked?

Graham Barnes:
I think, uh... Gerald Ford was president.

Divya Katdare:
You need to remove your jewelry.

Sofia Santos:
Why?

Divya Katdare:
An MRI is a giant magnet. You can remove it now or the machine will do it for you, and not gently.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
[Hank learns Boris has a shark in his basement] Katie studies them, so when this one became ill, I called on her.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
It's sick?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Well, not anymore. Quite commonly, sharks in captivity have trouble with... buoyancy. Katie went in the tank to feed her through her stomach and help her float.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Okay. So that's why Katie was in there, but why is the shark in there?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Is that medically relevant, Hank?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
No, it's not, but right now I feel like I'm living on a Bond villain's property, so explain it to me, or I'm packing up my stuff and I'm leaving.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Well, I don't know what "perling" means. Maybe it's something I wanna do.

Evan R. Lawson:
You looking for somebody? Maybe somebody who knows how to surf without perling, 'cause...?

Katie:
You got me. I like to base my relationships on surfing technique.

Evan R. Lawson:
I'm actually - you know what? - I don't even surf. I'm more of a turf guy.

[Katie calls Hank an MSG]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[to Evan] What's an "MSG?"

Evan R. Lawson:
Medical super god.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, all right.

Evan R. Lawson:
Miniature sex gimp. Mumbling snow gerbil.

Divya Katdare:
Brazilian augmentation... A scooter to match her shoes... They're crazy.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Or they're in love.

Evan R. Lawson:
You're welcome for that, by the way, you know, dragging you out to Boris' party in the first place, getting you and Jill together.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, okay, so you're gonna take credit for everything that happens in my life post-Brooklyn, man?

Evan R. Lawson:
A butterfly flaps its wings.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Okay, so about this MSG thing...

Jill Casey:
Ugh. It's not a thing. It's really no big deal.

Evan R. Lawson:
Macho surfing guru, right? No? Mucus-spewing growth?

Evan R. Lawson:
Okay, look, I understand you were raised with a silver spoon up your... but I would like to make a profit. Besides, I do billing; you do medicine-y stuff.

Evan R. Lawson:
You really think it's safe to go home? Like, you don't understand. Boris was really, really serious about me keeping his deep, dark shark secret, and I really don't wanna be thrown in his hedge maze to be gored by a minotaur or something.

Evan R. Lawson:
[about Katie] She's got some cajones, man. If she actually had cajones, and you saw them when you treated her, you couldn't even tell me, could you?

Rajan Bandyopadhyay:
Leave the drama to the teenagers and your insane patients.

Divya Katdare:
Nausea's a sign of a concussion.

Sofia Santos:
Well, then this gown is giving me one.

Jill Casey:
[to Evan after he talks his way onto Katie's bad side] Oh, you just dug your own grave.

Katie:
[to Jill] Yeah, he's no MSG.

Jill Casey:
No.

Katie:
[to Evan] Don't worry, though. All you missed was a couple months of casual, really good sex.

Evan R. Lawson:
Whoa-whoa, w-okay, I'm an MSG. Look at... What the hell's an MSG?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, you guys gotta tell us what that means. It's enough already.

Jill Casey:
It's stupid.

Evan R. Lawson:
Medieval slut gatherer, man seeking guacamole, manatees...

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What happened in Caracas?

Divya Katdare:
Should've stayed in Caracas.

Evan R. Lawson:
Wow. Dieter's makin' house calls? That can't be good.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Evan, I have a patient who just passed his physical with flying colors.

Evan R. Lawson:
So what's the problem?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
The problem is he's sick, and I totally missed it.

Divya Katdare:
Raj, my fianc?, he has always wanted to learn how to fly.

Jess Walsh:
I could give you both lessons.

Divya Katdare:
We could use a hobby to do together.

Jess Walsh:
Stop by tomorrow. I'll give you a birds-eye view of the Hamptons. It's magical. How about noon?

Divya Katdare:
Well, let's see if you're feeling better and if your blood pressure is normal.

Jess Walsh:
Okay. So, be here by 11:45. And Hank, would you care to join us?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, no thank you. I'm... I'm good.

Jess Walsh:
Don't tell me you're afraid of flying in small planes.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, no. I'm not afraid of flying in small planes. I'm afraid of crashing in small planes.

Divya Katdare:
You know, admitting it hurts doesn't make you less of a man.

Evan R. Lawson:
[pause] It hurts.

Divya Katdare:
You're such a girl.

Divya Katdare:
You think he's in the mob because he has an Italian last name?

Evan R. Lawson:
No, I think he's in the mob because he's from New Jersey and he's in the waste management profession. And he has an Italian last name.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
The hardest thing I ever had to do was watch mom suffer. I never wanted to be that helpless again.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Evan R. Lawson:
Hi.

Divya Katdare:
How's Boris?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Great. And he asked me to be godfather. Evan, so help me, if you do a Brando impression, we're dissolving the business.

Evan R. Lawson:
[doing an impression of Marlon Brando] I wasn't gonna do that.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
You'll be attending the christening today?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, of course. I can't wait. Thank you for inviting us.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
I must admit Marissa and I have an ulterior motive.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, really?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
We have discussed the matter. And we'd like to ask a great favor of you. Would you be our son's godfather?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
It would be my honor.

Evan R. Lawson:
Last night, I was at this club. I was hitting on the hottest girl there, like, by far, the hottest girl there - she's a model from Wilhelmina - and I was right about to close the deal, like, right, right, right there, and then she found I didn't have a car. You know what she said?

Tucker Bryant:
Now wait, now hold... You don't have a car?

Evan R. Lawson:
That's exactly what she said! Like, that's... even the way she said it! I heard that, like, three times last night.

Tucker Bryant:
Well, listen, Dad does a lot of business with Bridgehampton Motors. Tell 'em Marshall Bryant sent you. They'll... they'll hook you up.

Evan R. Lawson:
Really?

Tucker Bryant:
Yeah.

Evan R. Lawson:
Thanks, man. Wow.

Tucker Bryant:
No problem, dude. It was nice to meet you. I gotta go.

Evan R. Lawson:
Okay. You know what? Uh... Let me return the favor by dropping some of my lady knowledge on you.

Tucker Bryant:
Your lady knowledge?

Evan R. Lawson:
Yeah. Knowledge about ladies. Not just stuff ladies know. You know, lady knowledge. Yeah, I get around.

Tucker Bryant:
Without a car?

Evan R. Lawson:
Let's not dwell on that, okay? Let's just move past that.

[repeated line]

Evan R. Lawson:
It's not rifling if you know what you're looking for.

Jill Casey:
How does pizza and a shower sound?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Like the crust would get soggy.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Why do you think Libby's cheating on you?

Tucker Bryant:
Because, after she borrowed my laptop, there were pregnancy websites in the browser history, and she's been moody, and she's been tired, and her... ches... tal... area... has undergone, like, an extreme growth spurt.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
And how is it you know these are pregnancy indicators?

Tucker Bryant:
From the pregnancy websites.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You read them too?

Tucker Bryant:
Y'know, when in Rome.

Jill Casey:
I'd expect a more mature reaction from someone eating Fruity Puffs.

Evan R. Lawson:
So, why don't you just, uh, drop me at the dealership, do your follow-up, call, and pick me up on your way back?

Divya Katdare:
Because that would deprive us of valuable bonding time.

Evan R. Lawson:
Okay. Great. Cool. What do you... what would you like to...

Divya Katdare:
Evan! It's because they're in opposite directions. I was being sarcastic.

Evan R. Lawson:
Yeah. Right, yeah, well, y... it's hard to tell with your accent sometimes, so, uh... that's cool. Sorry.

Bonnie Day:
You say there's two Divya Katdare's in the Hamptons?

Evan R. Lawson:
Yeah, the odds of that would be redi...

Divya Katdare:
[sternly] Evan, go wait in the car!

Evan R. Lawson:
So, I'm gonna go wait in the car. It's been a pleasure meeting you, though. Bye.

Antoine:
No smoking, no drinking, alone in bed - I'm a disgrace to France.

Evan R. Lawson:
Why're you so clinical? Divya, it's not a "situation," it's a wedding. It's... it's two people in love, forcing their friends to dance to 'We Are Family,' you know. It's... it's... it's sac... Wait a minute. Is this an arranged marriage?

Evan R. Lawson:
People don't usually ask questions they don't want the answers to.

Divya Katdare:
I feel useless out here. Is that what it's like to be you?

Evan R. Lawson:
Wow. Do you treat patients with that bedside manner? You know, I could have a fatal disease right now. It wouldn't kill you to say something nice, you know.

Divya Katdare:
I know, but why risk it?

Libby:
Hey, I know you're not a bad person. You're just a moron.

Evan R. Lawson:
I love you so much. Oh, my god, I love you so much. I don't even know what to do with myself, I love you so much.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I love you, too.

Evan R. Lawson:
I was talkin' to the car.

Eddie R. Lawson:
[after he helps Hank improvise an intubation] It's been a long time since you called me "dad", let alone asked for my help.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[regarding Evan's outfit] Good morning, Atticus.

Evan R. Lawson:
[chuckles] Joke all you want, but one of us is gonna fit in...

Dr. Hank Lawson:
...and one of us is gonna look like he's thirtin' for a mint julep.

Evan R. Lawson:
Look, when dignitaries visit foreign lands, they study the customs so as to fit in, all right?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Please, please change. I'm just... I'm getting the feeling there might be some trouble in River City.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Evan, we're a private physician business, not an escort service.

Evan R. Lawson:
You smell that?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
The manure they're shoveling or the manure you're shoveling?

Dr. Madden:
I was just talking to the lady.

Evan R. Lawson:
Well, not anymore you're not.

Dr. Madden:
Who's gonna stop me, the rest of your barbershop quartet.

Evan R. Lawson:
A lot of people hide their careers from their parents. Like, uh, hitmen do it, exotic dancers, uh, AIG executives...

Jill Casey:
Thanks again for helping out.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Hey, that's what friends who sleep together and then don't talk about it are for.

Devesh Katdare:
When do you compete again?

Divya Katdare:
Oh, later this afternoon, Daddy.

Devesh Katdare:
Oh, good.

Rubina Katdare:
Evan, do you ride as well.

Evan R. Lawson:
Me? No, no. I-I live alone.

Dan Samuels:
Jamais vu?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yes, the opposite of deja vu. You feel like you're performing a task for the first time despite the fact that you've done it countless times before.

Evan R. Lawson:
You launched a successful company in one of the most exclusive markets in the world, all right? I'm proud of you - and I don't even like you that much - so, you're right, I don't get it. Explain it to me.

Jill Casey:
Charlie is also my ex-husband.

Charlie Casey:
And the "ex" part's not official... yet.

Evan R. Lawson:
HankMed is officially back. I just signed two new super-sized clients. *Super-sized*. With dad's help, by the way.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[skeptically] Dad's help?

Evan R. Lawson:
Whales, Hank. Like, whales. Big whales. Bigger than whales. What's bigger than a whale?

Divya Katdare:
Nothing.

Evan R. Lawson:
Whale it is. Closed them on a golf course, no less.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Ah. That explains the "Caddyshack" getup.

Evan R. Lawson:
Hey, the louder the clothes, the deeper the pockets.

Dr. Marissa Caseras:
[learning Hank is treating an enemy of the state] Boris was just septic. You think he needs this kind of trouble right now?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Boris is the one who told me to bring them here.

Dr. Marissa Caseras:
No. He isn't that careless.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Sometimes people take risks they normally wouldn't to protect someone they care about.

Dr. Marissa Caseras:
He wouldn't risk everything he has here to protect that man.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
He didn't. He risked everything he has here to protect you.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
I take it we had a... setback.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, a slight hiccup.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
[to Marissa] I've ruined your data.

Dr. Marissa Caseras:
I was far more worried about you.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Yeah, no worries with Hank around. He has a hero complex.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
It's not a complex. It's a neurosis.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[Evan hits a cream puff at Hank's car] Whoa! Trying to tell me something?

Evan R. Lawson:
No. General Collins has a message for you, though. He said stay the hell away.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What?

Evan R. Lawson:
Yeah, he stopped by after taking his wife home from Hamptons Heritage.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
No, no, no, no. Ellen shouldn't be home. She should still be under supervised care.

Evan R. Lawson:
Oh, really? 'Cause you just always know what's best for everyone, don't you?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Has Paige talked to you?

Evan R. Lawson:
Why would she talk to me when she can talk to you? The only thing I know for sure right now is that Ellen Collins was clearly yesterday's emergency.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I wanted to tell you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to. When we were in Florida, I tried...

Evan R. Lawson:
Florida? How long have you known?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I wasn't sure about anything until yesterday when Paige called for help, but I've been hinting for weeks.

Evan R. Lawson:
Oh, you've been hinting? You don't hint. This... this is not a game. This is my life.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Evan, you're right. It's not a game. But I'm bound by doctor/patient confidentiality...

Evan R. Lawson:
Do not pull that doctor crap! I'm your brother! Nothing is more important than family.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I took an oath. My patients trust that I'm...

Evan R. Lawson:
Oh, your patients? You wouldn't even *have* patients if it wasn't for me! If I hadn't picked you up off the floor in Brooklyn and dusted you off, you'd be by yourself right now in a dark room!

Hank Lawson:
Well, only Boris would send a plane to do a helicopter's job.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I like problems I can fix, Evan. It's why I'm a doctor.

Jill Casey:
[laughing] Oh. Hank, have you been working out?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Uh, a little, but...

Jill Casey:
[feeling Hank's biceps] Oh, my goodness. These are amazing! Look, Divya...

Divya Katdare:
[covering Jill's mouth, and pushing her back onto the bed] Okay. You know what, Jill? Why don't we lay you down for some rest? She should get some rest.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah. Jack, why don't you...

Jack O'Malley:
[turning to leave] That's a good idea.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Uh, yeah.

[Hank and Jack leave, leaving Divya with Jill]

Divya Katdare:
Please stop licking my hand.

Eddie R. Lawson:
I have a confession to make.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, God. Here we go. What?

Eddie R. Lawson:
I can't swim. There, I said it. Okay. Eddie R. Lawson cannot swim. I can't even dog paddle to safety.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What are you talk... we used to swim all the time when we were little. I remember, we...

Eddie R. Lawson:
No, you remember me *saying* I could swim, me bragging about how much of a... like a fish I was. That was just all talk.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
All right, all right. Okay. So you can't swim. You're telling me this why?

Eddie R. Lawson:
Because when I told you I could swim, that was the first lie I ever told you.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Okay. So... But why lie about that? I...

Eddie R. Lawson:
Because I didn't want to be the guy who couldn't do everything. I wanted to be your hero.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
We didn't need you to be our hero.

Eddie R. Lawson:
I needed it. You know how some people have, like, um, a near death experience, and it just changes their life?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That happen to you?

Eddie R. Lawson:
No, I'm too old to have anything change me. But I swear to you, there was a moment when I saw you and Evan as little boys.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, when you had your heart attack, there was a moment... I thought we were gonna lose you.

Eddie R. Lawson:
Really?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah. And I realized I don't want to lose you. I couldn't. I can't. I... I guess what I'm trying to say is, uh... I want you to stick around, to be our dad.

Eddie R. Lawson:
You're giving me a second chance.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Call it a mulligan.

Divya Katdare:
I crossed an unacceptable line. I became involved with a patient.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You did?

Divya Katdare:
I kissed him. But I ended it. And I will, of course, in no way continue to treat him medically.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That's why you're flying out to London tonight. See Raj.

Divya Katdare:
I can only imagine how furious you are with me. It was highly unprofessional. And if you need me to, I will resign from HankMed, effective immediately.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Resign? Please. I... No. I don't care about that. What I care about is you. Are you okay?

Divya Katdare:
[on the verge of tears] No. No, I'm not. But I've got it under control.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Is there anything I can do?

Divya Katdare:
[starting to cry] No. No, but, uh... oh, but thank you so much for being you.

Jill Casey:
I can't believe I didn't feel a spider biting me.

Divya Katdare:
Well, you were thrown out of a golf cart. Your mind may have been elsewhere.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
A black widow bite isn't so bad if you catch it early.

Divya Katdare:
You may feel groggy or even a little loopy.

Jill Casey:
Jack, I'm really sorry about this.

Jack O'Malley:
What are you apologizing for?

Jill Casey:
Well, we were this close to winning.

Jack O'Malley:
You know what? We'll get 'em next year, killer. Plus, now we don't have the pressure of having to repeat.

Jill Casey:
Repeat?

Jack O'Malley:
Pardon?

Jill Casey:
[groggily] Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat! Hank, that's funny, right?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Uh, yeah.

Jill Casey:
"Uh, yeah." How cute are you when you're being all doctor-y? He's so cute. Isn't he cute? He's like... he's like this little puppy, you know? You wanna scratch him behind the ears and scratch him on the belly.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[trying to laugh it off] Okay. Um...

Divya Katdare:
Clearly, someone's medication has kicked in.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, we're... we're friends.

Jill Casey, Jack O'Malley:
Hmm. You know, Hank is the best. He really is. Hank, you're the best. And I miss you, Hank. I really miss you.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You know, good friends.

Jill Casey:
Ah, we used to be more than that, Hanky Panky.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Really good friends. Uh, and for the record, that's the first time she's ever called me that.

Jack O'Malley:
Okay.

Divya Katdare:
All righty, then.

Evan R. Lawson:
Are you ready for the weekend I've basically just been waiting for my entire life?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I have plans with Jill tonight.

Evan R. Lawson:
Take a raincheck. Here, as rainmaker, I'll issue you one. My god, this is gonna be a gigantic gig for us - and we needed a getaway anyway. It's perfect!

Dr. Hank Lawson:
We're in the Hamptons. This IS the getaway, remember?

Rob Miller:
So, you are our last-minute compromise.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I've been called worse.

Evan R. Lawson:
At HankMed, we aim to compromise, so that's great.

Rob Miller:
That's the worst business mantra I've ever heard.

[Evan gets himself hired as a nanny]

Evan R. Lawson:
I'm not a nanny, I'm a "manny."

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh.

Evan R. Lawson:
And look at these kids. They're housebroken, man. They're practically gonna take care of themselves, leaving me time to sign the Grants as HankMed retainees AND enjoy some fun in the sun on a lush refuge with its own zip code.

Lois:
Okay, sis, no tech, so long as blenders are exempt, 'cause I'm not mixing my margaritas by hand.

Evan R. Lawson:
There's no TV, Hank. There's no TV. Like, what're we supposed to do at night, sit around and think?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You wanted a getaway.

Evan R. Lawson:
Well, yeah. Not with the... the sisters from The Shining.

Evan R. Lawson:
[overjoyed at bunk beds] Oh, these beds remind me of Passaic. Remember that? Our secret space hibernation pods?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, you mean the beds we got 'cause Dad lost our house and we had to move into a cramped two-bedroom apartment?

Evan R. Lawson:
[resentfully then fondly] It wasn't an apartment, Hank. It was the Intergalactic Starship Ranger-3, and it was awesome.

[12-year-old Arlo gets a driving lesson]

Evan R. Lawson:
[pointing out the stick shift in Will's truck] See, this is the original joystick, Arlo. That's... well, not "the original" joystick, but...

Evan R. Lawson:
[catching a surprised look from Will] As far as you're concerned.

Will:
But Arlo, that poor kid, one screw up after another. Now he won't talk to you, won't look at you. Makes you worry how he'll grow up, get by in the world.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[thinking about Evan] Mmm, every family has one.

Evan R. Lawson:
Mannies need to empower the lads in their charge. It stifles anarchy.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Sometimes I wish I had a father I wanted to call.

Rob Miller:
Yeah, I had no idea that sex causes childbirth. That kinda came out wrong.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Ah, just in time. I need your finger.

Evan R. Lawson:
Okay, I need to know where you intend to put it Ow! What the hell?

Evan R. Lawson:
Drink your juice, dude. It'll put hair on your chest.

Arlo Grant:
You need some, too.

Will:
Why would I want to watch a TV show set in a hospital? I'm IN a hospital.

Evan R. Lawson:
Because the people in this hospital aren't all really charismatic supermodels.

[last lines]

Evan R. Lawson:
It is easier being big brother, I find.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Let's agree to disagree on that, but it is exciting to see you bring a whole new skill set to our little family business.

Evan R. Lawson:
Does that mean I get a raise?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Depends. Can you make yourself scarce tonight?

Evan R. Lawson:
For a price, Dr. Lawson, anything is possible.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
I need you.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I'm sorry, Boris. Look, I'm going home.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Hank, it's getting worse.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Where are you?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Somewhere in Battery Park.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Okay, uh... look, I'll meet you by the memorial.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
No, I can't get there.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Why not?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
I'm quite blind.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
So, how did you two meet?

Barbie:
Well, it was so romantic.

Ken Keller:
Yeah. I went down to Florida, and she was a Hawaiian Tropic girl.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That's the whole story?

Ken Keller:
What do you want, "Wuthering Heights"?

Evan R. Lawson:
Paige, it's snowing! Can you believe it? We're gonna have a white wedding.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that your father is a criminal. And a liar. As a result of various financial schemes, he recently attracted the attention of the Securities and Exchange Commission. He was prosecuted and convicted. In an attempt to win a reduced sentence, he became a confidential informant. Against me. Spying on my affairs, my travels, my home. Stealing my personal possessions and delivering them to his handler.

Evan R. Lawson:
That's who that dude was? That dude... that guy was a federal agent?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
To ensure he acted alone, and not with the help of his two sons living on my property, I conducted my own investigation.

["AJ" appears and hands Boris a folder; Hank is dumbfounded]

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Thank you. Thank you, Catherine. According to the evidence that has been accumulated, it appears that you two have nothing to explain.

Hank Lawson:
You really came prepared.

Divya:
Core wound care, home diagnostics, infusion I.V.

Hank Lawson:
Why does a P.A. drive around with them in her trunk?

Divya:
Well, they were on sale.

Hank Lawson:
Divya.

Divya:
Look, I want to show you all I can bring to the table. I mean, besides my work ethic, my knowledge of the Hamptons, my relationships with the locals...

Evan Lawson:
[interrupts] Your superbly well-toned figure.

Divya:
Don't objectify me, sidekick.

Libby:
Please, Hank, you have to save him. It's Tucker.

Hank Lawson:
[thoughtful] Okay, I need a bottle of Vodka, a very sharp pointed knife, a... a Bic pen, a sandwich baggie and some duct tape.

Libby:
Sandwich baggie, duct tape. Who are you? MacGuyver?

Ms. Newberg:
I've got a flat tire.

Hank Lawson:
Okay, I'm not Triple A.

Ms. Newberg:
[exasperated that he doesn't catch on] No!

[opens her coat]

Ms. Newberg:
A flat TIRE!

Hank Lawson:
[short delay] Oh...

Divya Katdare:
...Dear.

Evan Lawson:
What's my favorite sport, Hank?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Extreme social climbing?

Evan Lawson:
[brief pause] Yeah. Yeah.

Evan Lawson:
Bro, this is where God would party.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[trying to speak over the noise] If he could get in.

Boris:
[after Hank tries to get someone to call 911] No paramedics.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You mean no cops.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Life isn't always simple.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Well, death is.

[Snaps a picture of April]

Evan Lawson:
Sorry. I just gotta... send that to...

Evan Lawson:
[to himself]... everyone I've ever met.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, man plans, God laughs.

N.Y. Hospital Administrator:
[as she delivers the verdict]... and your star was only on the rise.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Was?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[looking at the not-so-grand hotel where they're going to stay] Fit for a king, huh?

Evan Lawson:
Uh, I didn't say which country.

[a couple of pretty girls pass by]

Evan Lawson:
How are ya?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[semi-appalled] Dude, they can't even vote.

Evan Lawson:
What?... What?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
It's just wrong.

Evan Lawson:
[speaking into his phone] Note to self: Become a doctor.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[to Libby] You're just a cyberchondriac - a rabid cyberchondriac, I'm afraid - but, uh, it's nothing that'll kill you.

Tucker Bryant:
[stifles a laugh; Libby looks at him] Sorry.

Tucker Bryant:
[to Hank, about Libby] Yeah, dude, don't punk the 'crackberry.' She'll light yo ass up like a Christmas tree.

Evan Lawson:
Honestly, it smells so bad... It smells like a moose had sex with a bucket of Chinese food in here, like musty... and you kind of look like Jesus and Patrick Dempsey had a child, and that child grew older and then got really sick.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That's weird.

[to a model who's flirting with him at the party]

Hank Lawson:
I have no money, no job, and my Saab is older than you.

[last lines]

Dr. Silver:
[to Hank] Dr. Hotshot! Those observant eyes of yours, you better keep 'em open wide, 'cause you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Hospital Administrator:
Well, bad luck rained and poured, didn't it, while you had our senior CT surgeon in another room?

Hank Lawson:
To help me rescue a crashing patient. I made a judgment call.

Hospital Administrator:
You made a mistake. A fatal one.

Nikki:
I think we need to postpone.

Hank Lawson:
I'll see your postponement and raise you.

Hank Lawson:
Trip? What trip?

Evan Lawson:
Are you kidding? To the Hamptons! I've been telling you about this all month.

Hank Lawson:
Yeah, and all month I've been saying "No way."

Evan Lawson:
I thought you meant no way like "No WAY!"

Hank Lawson:
I haven't meant it that way since I was ten.

Hank Lawson:
Why would I want to spend tonight partying with a bunch of people whose biggest problems revolve around whether or not to send their Yorkshire terriers to therapy, huh? Give me one decent reason.

Evan Lawson:
I'm gonna give you two. You're all out of booze.

Hank Lawson:
Oh.

Evan Lawson:
Two, Netflix froze your account.

Hank Lawson:
[noticing the wealth of Tucker's residence] And who is "Dad?"

Tucker Bryant:
Uh, Marshall David Bryant IV.

Hank Lawson:
Never heard of him.

Tucker Bryant:
Yeah, uh, well, that's 'cause this is my great-grandfather's money he spends, collecting all those toys.

Hank Lawson:
Who's your great-grandfather?

Tucker Bryant:
Uh, Marshall David Bryant II.

Hank Lawson:
Never hear of him either.

Tucker Bryant:
Ever use a blender?

Hank Lawson:
Yeah.

Tucker Bryant:
You're welcome.

Evan Lawson:
[finding a beautiful woman knocking at the front door] I'm still asleep, right?

April:
Um, I'm looking for Hank.

Evan Lawson:
Not if it's MY dream you're not.

Hank Lawson:
[noticing Tucker's limp] You know what? Let me have a look at that leg.

Tucker Bryant:
Oh, no. I'm solid, man. I'm just a bit banged up, but what would be mighty fine of you is if we could keep this whole little episode on the DL?

Hank Lawson:
[laughs] You don't think Dad'll notice the, uh, Ferrari Challenge out front that looks like it's been through your great-grandfather's invention?

Tucker Bryant:
Uh, no. He's at his San-Tropez beach house for the next ten days. I have plenty of time.

Hank Lawson:
That's a half-million-dollar piece of hand-assembled machinery. Ten days is plenty of time to repair it?

Tucker Bryant:
No, not repair it, replace it.

Hank Lawson:
Aren't there, like, seventy in the world?

Tucker Bryant:
Uh, yeah, but I only need to buy one. Look, what Dad doesn't know won't hurt him, and you can't really put a price on not hurting your old man, right? I mean, this is what trust funds are for.

Hank Lawson:
I guess we can leave the toys in the car. Evan, that includes you!

Hank Lawson:
Ms. Newberg, you're in a hospital.

Ms. Newberg:
No, this is not a hospital.

Hank Lawson:
It's not?

Ms. Newberg:
It's a socialist conspiracy. Apparently, if you're not holding your dismembered leg in your hand, you don't require treatment.

Divya:
Offer to pay him generously.

Hank Lawson:
Divya.

Divya:
He needs the money.

Ms. Newberg:
I'll pay any amount.

Hank Lawson:
That's not the point.

Ms. Newberg:
I'll pay enough money to make it the point.

Divya:
Symmetry is the key to beauty.

Evan Lawson:
Come to the party, okay? Come on. It's an evening with New Parts Newberg. Like, how exclusive does THAT sound?

Hank Lawson:
Consider me excluded.

Evan Lawson:
What're you gonna do here?

Hank Lawson:
Relax. Think.

Evan Lawson:
Okay, cool, well, think hard - or not too hard. Whatever's better for me. But just so you know, as your brother and accountant...

Hank Lawson:
Get out or you'll cease to be either one.

Evan Lawson:
Bam. I love ya.

Hank Lawson:
I like you.

Evan Lawson:
[exiting] Have fun with your thoughts.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[seeing a group of people in Jill's backyard] What is going on?

Jill Casey:
They're filming a reality TV show. Apparently, all you need is a camera and people with no shame.

Evan R. Lawson:
[arguing with Hank about Hank's refusal to sign a release form for "Share House"] You think you're open-minded when it comes to new things, which is true, as long as the new things are exactly the same as the old things.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You stayed up all night and watched these DVDs?

Divya Katdare:
Well, I was looking for clues as to what was ailing Craig.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
And what did you find out?

Divya Katdare:
Mikell is a total fake.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Huh?

Divya Katdare:
She's had a showmance with every male character on this show. She didn't even start hooking up with Craig until after his accident.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I'm sorry, did you just say "showmance"?

Divya Katdare:
Yeah. It's a relationship for the sake of the cameras.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Divya?

Divya Katdare:
[distracted] Mmm-hmm.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Divya.

Divya Katdare:
Yeah.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I think we're losing sight of why we're here.

Paige Collins:
Hello, Mr. Postman.

Evan R. Lawson:
Hi. So I'm the postman? All right, what does that make you? Are you the mail? Are you a dog? Am I trying to open you? Are you running after me? Just tell me what to do. What do- what do- what do I do?

Paige Collins:
For every sack of mail you go through, I will grant you a wish.

Evan R. Lawson:
[pulling the nearest pile of mail towards him] Discard. Discard. Keep. Discard.

Paige Collins:
Wow, you respond well to bribery.

Evan R. Lawson:
Yeah, Hank was the good son. Me? Not so much. My mom actually used to bribe me to do chores and homework with Zwix Sticky Stix. This is, uh, a lot better, by the way.

Divya Katdare:
I have made food for a feast. First entr?e, lamb vindaloo.

Evan R. Lawson:
Ooh, sounds Indian.

[Divya serves some to Hank]

Evan R. Lawson:
Looks Indian, too.

[Divya serves some to Evan]

Evan R. Lawson:
Gosh, it smells...

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[cutting Evan off] Amazing.

Divya Katdare:
Thank you, Hank.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Sure.

Divya Katdare:
It is my great-grandmother's favorite recipe. Please enjoy. Enjoy.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Okay.

[Evan gives Hank an uncomfortable look; Hank kicks him]

Evan R. Lawson:
Gosh, all right.

[Hank and Evan take a bite]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Mmm! It's great.

Divya Katdare:
Yeah?

Evan R. Lawson:
Fantastic, Divya. It is really good.

Divya Katdare:
[relieved] Okay, great. It's not too spicy. You'd tell me, right?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
No, no. It is perfect.

Evan R. Lawson:
Perfect.

Divya Katdare:
Oh, I almost forgot the chutneys. Be back.

[Divya leaves; as soon as she's gone, Hank and Evan gag]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, my God!

Evan R. Lawson:
It's like I ate lava.

[Hank takes a drink of water from his glass, and Evan takes large gulps from the water pitcher]

Evan R. Lawson:
[after Hank proposes to Charlotte] You did what?

Hank Lawson:
You think it was a bad idea?

Evan R. Lawson:
I think remaking "The Karate Kid" is a bad idea, but at least they waited twenty-five years.

Dmitry Vasilyev:
You're sure you're getting my results, not tweeting them?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[sarcastically] Thanks for your patience, Dmitry. Here they are now. Okay. Everything looks normal. Yeah, we may even be able to release you from glycemic prison. And let you rely just on Stanley.

Dmitry Vasilyev:
[to his dog] Stanley, you may be back to work soon.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Your white count is good. Your rash is resolving. You may be back to political intrigue soon.

Dmitry Vasilyev:
You're still mad at me, huh?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Not everyone is used to you pulling a gun on them, Dima.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, so he does that a lot.

Evan R. Lawson:
Well, that's an interesting choice in hold music. Sounds a lot like a dial tone.

[Divya calls Evan an idiot]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[admiringly] You make a great older brother.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I know you love your son, but you need to stop fixating on his destiny and start worrying about his life, because he can't be president if he's dead.

Evan R. Lawson:
This is concierge medicine. It requires guerilla marketing.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, really? I skipped that class in med school.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
There are two kinds of people here in the Hamptons, Hank. Those here to seek attention and those here trying to escape it. I just want you to know that I strongly favor the latter.

Evan R. Lawson:
Wait, I'm not done talking.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I know. That's why I'm going.

Lucy Everett:
He's a concierge doctor.

Melody Everett:
He'll check our vitals then book us dinner and a show?

Lucy Everett:
Kendrick has his nutritionist at 12:00 and his private offensive coordinator at 1:30.

Kendrick Everett:
My Mandarine tutor at 3:00 and my life coach at 5:00 - and I still don't even know what a life coach is.

Lucy Everett:
The point is, the exam needs to be as long as planned.

[Lucy exits]

Melody Everett:
In case you're wondering, bathroom breaks are on alternate Wednesdays.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Their privacy IS our publicity.

Evan R. Lawson:
Who the hell's Benny?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
The guy who got bit when you tried to simulate flirtation on his pack of dogs.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Uh, you wanna squeeze in a quick one before we go?

Divya Katdare:
Oh, yes.

Evan R. Lawson:
You just took the words right out of my mouth.

Divya Katdare:
You're not worth the dry cleaning, Evan.

Divya Katdare:
Furry animals and sterile medical equipment don't mix.

Jill Casey:
I think it's cute that we had our first fight before our first date.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[eating from a food carousel] Mm, this pizza is oddly refreshing.

Jill Casey:
That's because it's a lemon strudel.

Divya Katdare:
[played back on Evan's cellphone] I've got a problem. Meet me at 23 Foxtail Court as soon as possible. Evan, please. I need you.

Automated Cellphone Voice:
To save this message, press nine.

Evan Lawson:
Uh, not only did I save that message, I put it on my iPod as work-out music.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Did Boris say you could use his tennis equipment?

Evan Lawson:
You said - I'm gonna quote you right now - you said that, unless it's an emergency, leave Boris alone.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah, including all of his property, facilities and leisure gear.

Evan Lawson:
Interesting. I must've tuned that part of the lecture out.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[handing over his cell phone] Cover for me till I get back?

Evan Lawson:
Sure.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
And don't change my ringtone to you rapping, no crank calls, no pizza deliveries...

Evan Lawson:
Charitable donations?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
No, nothing.

Evan Lawson:
1986 called. It wants its shorts back.

Evan Lawson:
Hey. So, uh, this soup is very provocative. Do you embrace customer feedback?

Divya Katdare:
[answering for Allison] I'm sure she does - from PAYING customers.

Evan Lawson:
Whoa, whoa, that was cranky. Does the doctor's little helper need a power nap or something?

Divya Katdare:
I need some boundaries.

Evan Lawson:
Boundaries? What's that supposed to mean?

Divya Katdare:
You set those TB tests at the most illogical time.

Evan Lawson:
What?

Divya Katdare:
While the restaurant was serving, Evan and then you ran around like a little Yorkie yapping at everyone, begging for treats, practically humping my leg while I'm trying to administer the shots.

Evan Lawson:
Okay, so I'd also like some boundaries, starting with the kinds of animals you're allowed to compare me to.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What's wrong with brunch?

Evan Lawson:
It's brunch. You're wearing clothes, so it's not breakfast; you're not even that hungry yet, so it's not lunch; it's like... it's the meal that won't commit. It's the... Come to think of it, it's the perfect meal for you and Jill, so enjoy a french toast salad or whatever.

[Divya needs Evan's help translating Italian for someone who may have TB]

Evan Lawson:
Whoa. Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I'm not getting a disease. Are you kidding me? Especially one I didn't have any fun catching.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
So, my privacy WASN'T violated?

Evan Lawson:
No. Not at all.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Then nor will yours be.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Differences are always easier to settle over a good meal.

Divya Katdare:
Here's an idea: let's have dinner but absolutely no conversation.

Evan Lawson:
Yeah. Like we're married.

Aristotle:
Aristotle's gotta make a little something on the deal...

Evan R. Lawson:
You've gotta come. Right now.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I'm kind of busy here.

Evan R. Lawson:
No, this can't wait. The stripper stole my van. And I think I killed Raj.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You led with the van?

Evan R. Lawson:
So, welcome to the inaugural HankMed staff meeting. I love your blouse, Divya. Good-good day to you. First on this evening's agenda, uh, business development.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
It's 11:00 a.m.

Evan R. Lawson:
Oh, yeah. No, I wrote this last night. Sorry. Ha-ha.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yeah. Since I left the ER, the two things I miss least are pelvic exams and staff meetings, and not necessarily in that order.

Divya Katdare:
Evan, can't you just send out an e-mail?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh.

Evan R. Lawson:
Yeah, okay. You know what? I'll send an e-mail. That's great. Okay. Cool, Divya. Uh, I'm sending an e-mail to both of you that says "I worked for three days on this multimedia presentation, and that you're going to sit down, shut up, and enjoy it." There. Sent. How's that sound? How's it goin' over there, Stu?

Stu:
[hiccuping] Still working on it, Mr. Lawson.

Evan R. Lawson:
Okay, that's cool. Keep it up.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Was it really necessary to retain an AV specialist for this?

Divya Katdare:
We should reschedule the meeting.

Evan R. Lawson:
Motion to reschedule not seconded. Motion fails, moving on.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
There's no stopping him when he's like this. The bylaws to our tree house were eight pages long - and it was an imaginary tree house.

Zack Kingsley:
Some days, I have the mo. Some days, I have the jo. And some days, I even put them together.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That sounds like progress.

Zack Kingsley:
Nothing will make you stop bitching about your life like getting a second chance at it.

Evan R. Lawson:
So, our research department has shown that when our CEO attends house calls, our client conversion triples.

Divya Katdare:
Has our research department also found that we have no research department?

Divya Katdare:
Evan.

Evan R. Lawson:
What?

Divya Katdare:
Be quiet. Be professional, behave, but mostly be quiet.

Zack Kingsley:
Nothing quite like leaving a hospital to raise your spirits.

Julie Kingsley:
For someone that works in children's books, that lady knows a lot of nasty words.

Alan Ryder:
[to Divya] For some reason, I assumed "HankMed" meant a doctor named Hank.

Evan R. Lawson:
[to Divya] You see, I should get a branding award for coming up with that.

Divya Katdare:
What do you think you're doing?

Evan R. Lawson:
Shutting you down, Nurse Guantanamo. What are YOU doing? Have you ever heard of bedside manner?

Divya Katdare:
This isn't about bedside manner. This is about diagnosing a problem and helping the patient. You don't need an M.D. at the end of your name to know what's going on here.

Evan R. Lawson:
[scoffs] Well, duh, but the guy obviously doesn't want to tell a CFO and his P.A. that his brand new wife gave him an STD.

Evan R. Lawson:
Patients into clients, patients into clients. SAY it. It's empowering, AND it's Hank-sanctioned, too. Remember?

Alan Ryder:
On behalf of me and my genitals, thank you.

Evan R. Lawson:
Absolutely. Well, we aim to please all of you, so... great.

Divya Katdare:
[to Hank] Oh, and I read Zack's file. His non-compliance sounds like a liability.

Evan R. Lawson:
You want Divya should rough him up?

Evan R. Lawson:
Plans are good. Contracts are better.

Rachel Ryder:
Don't you guys have a triple-A discount? Coupon in the paper? Two-for-one special? Anything?

Evan R. Lawson:
We're here to keep your husband alive, ma'am, not steam clean your carpets.

Alan Ryder:
So far, your medical hunches haven't been that... hunchy.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
So you'd let your course of treatment be dictated by people who are three feet tall and eat paste for fun?

Alan Ryder:
Why not? They dictate the course of my career.

Julie Kingsley:
Cut veggies, tea, and a Hank are no substitute for a hospital.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
"The Hank" tried to tell him that.

Eddie R. Lawson:
So, do you have any advice on how to survive in the clank?

Shaw Morgan:
For starters, don't call it "the clank".

Eddie R. Lawson:
Maybe you could introduce me to some of your friends.

Shaw Morgan:
Friends?

Eddie R. Lawson:
Yeah.

Shaw Morgan:
Why would I make friends here? They're all a bunch of criminals.

Guard:
[about Shaw's black eye] You sure you don't wanna report who did that to you?

Shaw Morgan:
I told you, man, I slipped in my cell.

Guard:
We'll miss you around here. Don't know what the guards are gonna do for tech support.

Shaw Morgan:
Well, they'll call India, like everyone else.

Tucker Bryant:
Listen, why don't we go back to my place? You know, Dad's not home, and Libby's stocked the fridge with food so organic you can taste the dirt.

Tucker Bryant:
Didn't Dad fire you?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
He did, from being your doctor, not from being your friend.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You just compared Daryl Hall to the Earth. What do YOU know about taste?

Tess Frimoli:
What if I wanna start with the dog?

Evan R. Lawson:
I love a rebel.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Uh, last time I checked, the drinking age in New York was twenty-one.

Libby:
Well, while technically the Hamptons are in New York, they actually occupy a time-space continuum of their own.

Evan R. Lawson:
Two women passed out. Mom would be so proud.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Look, if you like her, then ask her out.

Evan R. Lawson:
Did she tell you to tell me that?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Yes, by my locker, before homeroom.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Hey, listen, you were... a lady.

Jill Casey:
Then I must have been really hammered.

Jill Casey:
Sorry to be laying in wait at your house, but I have something for you.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Fine, I'll see another property, but it should have a fabulous room, and the person showing it should have leprosy. Those are my conditions.

Jim Harper:
So what's the catch?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
You're the fisherman. You tell me.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That's quite a maneuver, Maverick.

Tucker Bryant:
Maverick? Who's that?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, I don't know, a little movie called...

Dr. Hank Lawson, Tucker Bryant:
[together]... Top Gun.

Tucker Bryant:
I know, Hank. I'm just joking. I AM aware of American culture pre-iPod.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[laughs] Talk to me, Goose.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I didn't realize you were such a daredevil.

Tucker Bryant:
Well, as a hemophiliac, what choice do I have, you know?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Evan, I am done fighting with you about the expansion of HankMed, and not just 'cause your timing sucks. Sorry to remind you, but I have the letters "M.D.", so I'm in charge.

Evan R. Lawson:
Great.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Great.

Evan R. Lawson:
Wait a minute. So, there's something else I haven't had a chance to tell you. Divya needed some money, so I bought her shares in HankMed. Which means I now own two-thirds of the company.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What?

Evan R. Lawson:
Yeah. So now that I think about it, I'm in charge.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Well, you're about to increase your ownership even further. You can have my third, too. But you may wanna change the name of the company. I quit.

[last lines, in split screen to illustrate two parallel conversations]

Jill Casey:
Hank.

Dr. Paul Van Dyke:
Evan.

Jill Casey:
You wanna talk about Jack some more?

Dr. Paul Van Dyke:
Is HankMed here to rip into me again?

Dr. Hank Lawson, Evan R. Lawson:
Not exactly. I want to talk about a job.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[his phone rings] This is Hank. I'll be there as soon as I can.

[he hangs up, a bit confused]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Boris.

Jill Casey:
I thought he kicked you guys out.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
He did.

Jill Casey:
And when did you patch things up?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
We didn't.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
I owe you an apology.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh? For what? Trying to exile my father? Trying to violate my doctor/patient confidentiality with Marissa? Evicting Evan and me without notice?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
All of the above.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
That is the correct answer.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Hank, I don't want Marissa to be alone for the rest of her pregnancy. She'll move back, but only under one condition. She'd like you back at Shadow Pond. And she's right. My emotions got the best of me this time. I crossed the line. I'd like you back at Shadow Pond.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I'm not a yo-yo, Boris.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
And you'll have a lease to prove it.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[his interest piquing] A lease?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
You may fill in the expiration date as you will.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
And I want to pay. No more free rent. Comes at too high a price.

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Shall we say market rate, then?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Well, let's not get carried away.

Ms. Newberg:
Hank, it's getting chilly! You want I should bring you a sweater?

Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz:
Perhaps I underestimated my leverage here.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I'll pay anything.

Evan R. Lawson:
[Paige's parents are planning to visit] Guess who's coming to town?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I'd say Santa Claus, but it's summer and we're Jewish.

Evan R. Lawson:
Who knew polo players had groupies?

[last lines]

Paige Collins:
Did you ever feel like... you didn't know who you could trust? Or who you are?

Evan R. Lawson:
You talked to him.

Paige Collins:
I did.

Evan R. Lawson:
What'd he say?

Paige Collins:
He admitted that he did go to Missouri. With his assistant, Sharon. And they were not there on Army business. They did stay in that motel... for a couple of days. And she did die in a car wreck... in his car. They wanted to keep it quiet.

Evan R. Lawson:
I'm sorry.

Paige Collins:
He wasn't having an affair.

Evan R. Lawson:
What?

Paige Collins:
Turns out she had taken him there to join my mom. Because she was helping my parents... with my adoption.

Evan R. Lawson:
I didn't know you were adopted.

Paige Collins:
[about to cry] Neither did I.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I need you to go to the guest house and get the CT scanner.

Evan R. Lawson:
Okay. Why? What's going on?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Disproportionate pain is a symptom of a very specific infection.

Evan R. Lawson:
What?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I need to test him for necrotizing fasciitis.

Evan R. Lawson:
He might be infected by a totalitarian state?

Evan R. Lawson:
So, I know you're busy studying a hundred years of German medical data, but, uh, there actually is one HankMed concern that's been on my mind today.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Spokesmodel, corporate jet, or commercial during the Super Bowl?

Evan R. Lawson:
None of the above. It's Divya.

[Evan puts Divya's wedding invitation in front of Hank]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What about her?

Evan R. Lawson:
Should we discuss what our plan is?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Our plan is to talk to her, see what her plan is.

Evan R. Lawson:
Okay. But what if she decides to do this? And if she gets engaged and moves to London, what are we gonna do?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Well, we'll find another PA, I guess.

Evan R. Lawson:
So you're not worried at all?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I said we'd find another PA. I didn't say we'd find another Divya.

Evan R. Lawson:
Yo, I think I found the mold. And there's a lot of it. Um, Henry... Does the mold make you start hallucinating immediately? Okay. Hank, get up here right now because I don't think it's mold. I think it's ghosts. And now the ghosts are morphing into bats!

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What's up, bro?

Evan R. Lawson:
Did Jill find you yet?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
No. Why? What did she say?

Evan R. Lawson:
She had something important to tell you.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh.

Evan R. Lawson:
And so do I.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Well, what's up?

Evan R. Lawson:
We're broke.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
What do you mean "broke"?

Evan R. Lawson:
I mean depleted, destitute, insolvent.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
I was asking for an explanation, not a thesaurus. What the hell are you talking about, Evan?

Evan R. Lawson:
Well, I, uh... I invested our working capital in some alternative high-yield instruments.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
English, Evan.

Evan R. Lawson:
[sighs] We got scammed.

Dr. Hank Lawson:
*You* got scammed. By who?

Evan R. Lawson:
[not answering Hank's question] And it's all gone, you know. Almost every last penny of it, at least. It's... it's gone. Why are you not furious?

Dr. Hank Lawson:
Oh, I'm furious. I'm... I'm furious. I'm just not surprised. In fact, the only shock here is that it took this long for you to let me down.

[last lines]

Dr. Hank Lawson:
[leaving Evan a voicemail message] I can't believe you didn't tell me that dad took all our money.