Scared Shrekless

Shrek:
Oh, wow. Terrifying. I don't know how I'm gonna sleep now.

Princess Fiona:
Happy Halloween, everyone.

Donkey:
Oh, man.

Gingerbread Man:
[to Donkey] I thought you said this was gonna scare 'em.

Pinocchio:
[hanging by his string, Shrek closes curtain on him] Hey! I worked hard on this costume!

Donkey:
Admit it, Shrek. Weren't you even a little bit scared?

Princess Fiona:
Donkey, ogres don't get scared. We do the scaring.

Shrek:
And that's why we're the kings of Halloween.

Donkey:
I beat we can find something that will scare the pants off you!

Wolf:
Which would scare me.

Shrek:
Oh, really? And what do you have in mind?

Donkey:
All of us telling scary stories all night long. There ain't no way you won't be scared.

Puss in Boots:
Yes! Stories to make your blood run cold!

Donkey:
Yeah!

Puss in Boots:
Stories to terrify you.

Donkey:
Yeah!

Puss in Boots:
And whoever shall last through the night shall be called the king of Halloween.

Shrek:
I accept.

Donkey:
We doubly accept.

Shrek:
Buckle up, everybody. The quicker I scare the wits out of you, the sooner I can be home, cozy in my bed. Unless anyone else thinks they've got what it takes.

Pinocchio:
Oh! Oh! Pick me, pick me! I have a scary story!

Wolf:
This isn't the one about you getting trapped in the petting zoo again, is it? 'Cause that's not scary.

Pinocchio:
Actually, if you look at it with *my* perspective...

Gingerbread Man:
Hey, guess what, Pinocchio, no one cares! Get ready to send these jokers home, Shrek, 'cause I've got a doozy, and it's all true! Ahem. It was a dark and stormy night...

Gingerbread Man:
Wait! More sugar.

Muffin Man:
But that is not the recipe.

Gingerbread Man:
Trust me, Muffin Man, this girl's gotta be real sweet. I want someone who will love me forever.

Muffin Man:
I must warn you, Gingy. No one has ever made cookies with this much sugar. You are tampering with forces far beyond your comprehension!

Gingerbread Man:
Just put her in the oven.

Puss in Boots:
Back when the lights came back on, it was the donkey taking a shower!

Donkey:
Oh, my goodness! Why would I do that?

Puss in Boots:
Ha ha! And right behind you, there was danger!

Donkey:
Oh, man.

Puss in Boots:
You were paralyzed!

Donkey:
[screams]

Puss in Boots:
It was a donkey-eating waffle. It was packing heat, and it wanted revenge.

Waffle:
I want revenge!

Puss in Boots:
The donkey ran. But how far can you run when you're on a plate covered in butter wearing a pink tutu?

Donkey:
No!

Puss in Boots:
And a sombrero. And a coconut brassiere. And about to be eaten alive!

Donkey:
No, please! Please, I'll switch to pancakes! Aah!

Waffle:
[swallows Donkey] Num, num, num!

Puss in Boots:
And the donkey was never seen again.

Pinocchio:
Eww! I'm too young to have termites!

The Cricket:
I'm no termite, Pinocchio. I'm a cricket.

Pinocchio:
You were the voice in my head this whole time?

The Cricket:
That's right. I'm was the one putting all those those thoughts in your noggin. I'm your conscience, and as long as I as you let me, I'll always be in...

[Pinocchio squashes him]

Shrek:
The end.

Pinocchio:
That wasn't me! I never had any bugs in my head. Ha ha. Ask anyone!

Shrek:
Okay, then. Why don't we ask start by asking your conscience!

[shows Pinocchio a cricket in his hand]

Shrek:
[Castle Duloc has become run-down; to Donkey] Look! It's that little thingy you love so much, remember?

Creepy Clockwork Chorus:
[Shrek pulls the lever on the Information Booth, and the same mechanized marionettes pop out singing, this time looking very deranged] Welcome to Duloc/It's a creepy town/It was once pristine/Now it's all run down. We will chop off your head/And then laugh when you're dead/Duloc is a creepy place.

Creepy Clockwork Chorus:
Come on in with your head,/Come lie down, break your... face/Duloc is... Duloc is... Duloc is a cre-py... place!

Shrek:
[booth takes their picture, captioning it "Get Out"] Ooh! Let's do that again!

Donkey:
NO!

Pinocchio:
[possessed] When you wish upon a star, you get lots of stuff!

[to Gepetto]

Shrek:
Do I look like the kind of guy that knows a lullaby?

Pinocchio:
SING!