Shades of Gray

Dave:
[shouts] You f***ed her!

Eric:
F***ed her? I didn't even know her!

[continued]

Dave:
He's taunting me with his goddamn groceries, man. He's pushing me and pushing me and pushing me. And start thinking, 'What if this guy f***ed my girlfried. What if this guy f***ed Eileen?' [pause] You f***ed her!

Eric:
F***ed her? I didn't even know her!

Dave:
Eileen Mcdonald.

Eric:
Who?

Dave:
Eileen McDonald, my f***ing girlfriend.

Eric:
Dave, Dave, Dave, I swear, I swear I never touched her.

Dave:
You never touched her, you never touched her?

Eric:
Well maybe I knew her, but I never...

Dave:
You can't even admit, can you, you little f***ing bastard?

Eric:
Ok. You want me to say I f***ed her? You need me to say I f***ed her? OK! I f***ed her! I f***ed her!

Dave:
I f***ing knew it! I should f***ing kill you! f***

Dave's Roomate:
Shut the f*** up!

Dave:
F*** YOU!

Eric:
Dave, Dave, Dave, you, you guys were broken up!

Dave:
Yeah for one lousy day, we got right back together, you a**hole!

Eric:
Yeah, but it wasn't only me.

Dave:
What? Who else f***ed her?

Eric:
No. She was there too.

Dave:
You turn your back on me I should f***ing kill you!

Dave's Roomate:
Stop crying.

Dave:
F*** you!

Eric:
You're heavy, but you're light in your shoes. You like pro-wrestling, but you're sensitive. Girls love to talk to you, but you never seem to hook up. One plus one plus one equals: gay!

Eric:
I can't believe it! I can't believe it! My best friend is a homo!

Guy:
What are you talking about?

Eric:
You're heavy, but you're light in your shoes. You like pro wrestling, but you're sensitive. Girls love to talk to you, but you never seem to hook up. One plus one plus one equals... *gay*!

Guy:
What do you mean by that? Is it... is it my hair?

Eric:
No, it's not your hair, is cause you're trying to *f**** me!

Guy:
What are you talking about? I'm not trying to f*** you. That's just... wrong dude!

Eric:
I mean, I thought we were friends.

Guy:
I'm really tired of getting shoved around by you. You're gonna play by our rules for awhile okay!...is...is that ok?

Eric:
No, it's not f***in' okay!

Guy:
[to Eric] You skinny little cocksucker!

Eric:
F*** you! Who are you to go digging through my garbage? What are you, f***ing homeless?

Eric:
[after Guy tries to ask a girl out on a date, Eric looks down at Guy's pants and sees his erection] Hey, Look! Chubby's got a chubby!

Eric:
Don't worry, fatty. It's natural. [Eric smiles, then runs away]

Jed Lopez:
[to his sister during an argument] *Streetwhore!*

Oscar:
I seen the motherf***er.

Eric:
I can't believe it! My best friend is a homo!

Guy:
Wha... What are you talking about?

Eric:
You're heavy, but you're light in your shoes. You like pro wrestling, but you're sensitive. Girls always want to talk to you, but you never seem to hook up. One plus one plus one equals, GAY!

Guy:
What are you talking abou... Is it my hair?

Eric:
No its because you're trying to f*** me!

[repeated line]

Chris:
MEOW!

Guy:
Ow, my shake. You're gonna buy me a new one, right?

Dave's roommate.:
C'mon in, F***face is waiting for you. [They walk inside] . Hey, a**hole, your friend's here.

Dave:
Where's my cable box?

Dave's roommate.:
F*** you. Pay me.

Dave:
Drop dead you f***ing a**hole! Sit the f*** down, sit the f*** down, I wanna tell you a story. You know the express lane?

Eric:
What?

Dave:
Don't be a dick! Then ten f***ing items or less express lane at supermarket. Well I am standing on line and I only got two items. And I am waiting behind this guy, this a**hole,

Eric:
Let me guess: He was over.

Dave:
No. He had nine items. Y'know, but I am in a rush, so I ask him, very nicely,'Can I go ahead?'.

Eric:
So what'd he say?

Dave:
He said, "Why don't you play in the produce."

Eric:
I take it you didn't handle this very well.

Dave:
No, no I didn't. You know what I told him?

Dave:
Go f*** yourself!

Dave:
F*** you!

Eric:
No, you told him, 'Go f*** yourself!'

Dave:
No I told him 'drop f***ing dead!' So he starts counting, right, and he's counting, he realises he's got nine items, so you know what he does?

Eric:
I am afraid to ask.

Dave:
He grabs a pack of gum!

Eric:
So?

Dave:
That's ten f***ing items!

Eric:
So, thats still under.

Dave:
Yeah. But he's staring at me, and I am staring at him and he's getting ready to make his move.

Eric:
Dave, what move?

Dave:
For the eleventh item! He's going for the eleventh item. A pack of three f***ing car fresheners!

Eric:
Dave, no offense, but don't you think this sounds a bit extreme?

Dave:
You know the express lane?

Eric:
What?

Dave:
Don't be a dick! The 10 f***ing items or less express lane in the supermarket! Well, I'm standing in line, and I only have two items, and I'm waiting behind this guy, this a**hole!

Eric:
Let me guess. He was over?

Dave:
No. He had nine items, you know, but I'm in a rush, so I ask him very nicely "Can I go ahead?"

Eric:
So what he say?

Dave:
He said... he said, "Why don't you go play in the produce."

Eric:
I take it you didn't handle this too well.

Dave:
No. No I didn't. You know what I told him?

Eric:
Go f*** yourself.

Dave:
[shouts] F*** you!

Eric:
No, you told him, "Go f*** yourself!"

Dave:
No, I told him to drop f***ing dead!

Eric:
I can't believe it! My best friend is a homo!

Guy:
Wha... What are you you talking about?

Eric:
You're heavy, but you're light in your shoes. You like pro wrestling, but you're sensitive. Girls always want to talk to you, but you never seem to hook up. One plus one plus one equals, GAY!

Guy:
What are you talking abou... Is it my hair?

Eric:
No its because you're trying to f*** me!

Chris:
I was a popular guy. I had friends, I had power. I was respected. You and me, we were friends. We could talk about anything, and we did. No, no, no, no, no! God! Let me talk! Let me say my piece! I was respected. I was loved. Women adored me. Men too. You had to ruin it! Nothing could have taken away my future. My pride. Except for you! You! You had to do it. You just had to open your big mouth! Remember the time that you told me that you wanted your sister? Did I tell anyone? No. Did I tell the entire school? No. Did I tell his sister? no. But could you do that for me? Could you return that courtesy to me? No, no you couldn't. One stupid little comment, just one and my life is ruined!

Cat:
Meow!

Chris:
Who hasn't looked at their cat and thought just that?

Cat:
Meow!

Chris:
Meow! They looked at me and they said 'meow'. Everywhere I look, Meow! Everybody I saw, MEOW! Hey Victor, MEOW. Meow they said, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Hey Eric, MEOW! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, f***er! They were meowing me! Everybody was meowing me! All the f***ing time! Meow. It was a meowfest and I was the meow! Meow motherf***er! Meow motherf***er! Everywhere!

Misc. People:
Meow! Meow! [repeated]

Eric:
Meow...

Victor:
[after Chris has left the room] Meow.

Jed Lopez:
You let the most manipulative son-of-a-b*tch in the world get the sympathy vote?