Shallow Hal

Tony Robbins:
Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

Mauricio:
Have you heard the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?

Mauricio:
You Had Me At "Get Lost".

Hal:
Does she take the cake, or what?

Mauricio:
She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

Mauricio:
She's got CANKLES!

Hal:
There's Rosemary.

Mauricio:
Where?

Hal:
Right there!

Mauricio:
Is she behind the Rhino?

Doctor:
Reverend Larson? Your son is here.

Reverend Larson:
OK, sure. Send her in.

Rosemary:
Is that a Member's Only jacket?

Mauricio:
Yes.

Rosemary:
I guess you must be the last member.

Mauricio:
The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.

Tony Robbins:
Who says they're ugly?

Mauricio:
Bausch & Lomb.

Mauricio:
Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!

Hal:
See, the problem is I'm kinda picky

Tony Robbins:
What do you mean, picky?

Hal:
Well, for instance, I like 'em real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?

Tony Robbins:
You're looking for a young Paulina type?

Hal:
Well, that face, but with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klums beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers. But she's a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did "Grease 2". But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that.

Tony Robbins:
Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?

Hal:
Well, no! You know, I'd like her to be into culture and sh*t, too.

Tony Robbins:
Ok Hal, hypothetical situation, Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?

Hal:
Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?

Rosemary:
Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.

Hal:
umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?

Rosemary:
Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice.

Mauricio:
You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It's called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.

Nurse Tanya Peeler:
What are those for?

Walt:
You ever walked through a truck-stop men's room on your hands?

Artie:
It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?

Hal:
What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?

Jen:
High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league.

Hal:
What's that supposed to mean?

Artie:
Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She just saying you're not that good looking.

Hal:
Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

Rosemary:
I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.

Hal:
Okay, who do you think is the most beautiful woman in the world?

Mauricio:
Wonder Woman.

Hal:
Okay... let's say everyone else in the world thought Wonder Woman was ugly.

Mauricio:
It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.

Hal:
See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knock out, I don't care what anybody else saw!

Mauricio:
You're right. I guess I really did screw you over then!

Mauricio:
Shallow Hal wants a gal.

Hal:
Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with this chair? What's this sh*t made out of, anyway?

Walt:
Don't you read the business section?

Hal:
Why, what's up?

Walt:
I just sold my company to Microsoft!

Hal:
Yeah, you cleaned up?

Walt:
Let's just say if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

Hal:
I bet on horses sometimes, but I don't really care about the money.

Rosemary:
I never read that book.

Hal:
What book?

Rosemary:
Things losers say.

Hal:
You know, there are a few times in a guy's life - and I mean two or three, tops - when he comes to a crossroads, and he's gotta decide. If he goes one way, he can keep doing what he's been doing and be with any woman who'll have him. And if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman, maybe - maybe for the rest of his life. Now it seems that by taking the other road, he's missing out on a lot. But the truth is, he gets much more in return. He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?

Mauricio:
What in the name of all that is holy?

Mauricio:
Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.

Hal:
I'm going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.

Mauricio:
So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?

Reverend Larson:
First, I want you to promise that no matter what you do in life, you will never ever settle for average.

Young Hal:
Yes, sir.

Reverend Larson:
Second, don't be satisfied with routine poontang.

Young Hal:
[confused] Huh?

Reverend Larson:
Don't do what I did. I married for love, and your mother Betty, has been a nightmare.

Young Hal:
But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.

Reverend Larson:
Listen to me, I'm giving you pearls here. And third, find yourself a classic beauty. With a perfect can, and great totties. That will put you in good stead with the Lord. Its all in here. Yes, sir. Hot young tail's what its all about.

Mauricio:
You had me at "Get lost".

Hal:
[noticing Rosemary across the field] Oh my God, there she is. There's Rosemary.

[Mauricio turns around seeing Rosemary as she is in reality]

Mauricio:
[trying to see where she is] Where?

Hal:
Right there.

Mauricio:
Right where?

Hal:
Straight ahead, across the field.

Mauricio:
Is she behind the Rhino?

Hal:
[after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio] Does she take the cake, or what?

Mauricio:
She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

Hal:
So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?

Rosemary:
[sarcastically] Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

Hal:
Hey there, is this not the most adorable little girl? What is your name, sweetheart?

Little girl:
Cadence.

Hal:
Cadence, huh? A perfect name for a perfect little girl. I do not see what is wrong, I mean, she should be starring in commercials. Tell you what Cadence, I am going to hold you until the cows come home.

Hal picks up Cadence. Ugly nurse enters

Ugly nurse:
Visiting hours are over. Out now!

[Hal puts down Cadence]

Hal:
The cows came home.

Hal:
You screwed me, man. I had a beautiful, caring, funny, intelligent woman, and you made her disappear!

Mauricio:
No, I didn't. I just made Rosemary appear. There's a difference. It's called "reality".

Hal:
Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it. What keeps it from being real?

Mauricio:
Third party perspective? Other people agreeing that its real?

Hal:
Okay, let me ask you a question. Whose the all time love of your life?

Mauricio:
Wonder Woman.

Hal:
Okay, well lets say Wonder Woman falls in love with you, right? Would it bother you if the rest of the world didn't find her attractive?

Mauricio:
Not at all. Cause I know they'd be wrong.

Hal:
That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout! I don't care what anybody else saw!

Mauricio:
[realizing] Geez, I never thought about it that way. [laughs] Hey, I guess I really did screw you, huh?

Hal:
[sighs] What am I gonna do?

Mauricio:
Hey, hey, don't panic. We just get Tony Robbins back here. He puts the Vulcan mind-meld on ya and then he puts you back under.

Hal:
[relieved] Good idea.

Mauricio:
In the mean time, you just have to avoid Rosemary.

Hal:
Why?

Mauricio:
Because if you see the real Rosemary, hypnosis is not gonna help you. I mean, its the jaws of life to get that image out of your head.