Southland

Officer John Cooper:
What's Japanese for "I screwed up?"

[Cooper and Sherman are responding to a 911 call at a fast food restaurant]

Shouting Woman:
Every day, for fifteen years!

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Ma'am, what's the problem?

Shouting Woman:
They're out of chicken nuggets! I've eaten them every day for fifteen years!

Ofcr. John Cooper:
And you called 911 because they're out of chicken nuggets?

Shouting Woman:
What am I supposed to do?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
I don't know what you're supposed to do, but right now you need to bring it down!

Shouting Woman:
No, I won't!

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Yes, you will!

[a radio call comes in, requesting that Cooper switch to a private channel, and he walks out]

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
Ma'am - have you tried the fish sandwich?

Shouting Woman:
[irritated] What?

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
The fish... it's pretty good.

[Cooper and Sherman are flagged down by a man in the street]

Man in Street:
My car broke down. I'm-I-I-I gotta be someplace; I'm late.

[he starts to get in the back seat]

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Whoa, whoa, stay - step away from the car, sir.

Man in Street:
[returning to the front passenger window] I just told you - I have an appointment, I need a ride, right now!

Ofcr. John Cooper:
We're not a taxi service, sir.

Man in Street:
Fine; call me a cab.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
You're a cab!

Man in Street:
[stunned]... What is wrong with you guys, man? - - you guys, b*tches! - - you!

Det. Daniel Salinger:
Hey - can you help me grill later?

Kimmy Salinger:
[trying to ignore him as she sunbathes] No.

Det. Daniel Salinger:
You know, there was a time when you used to *love* workin' side by side by the ol' grillmaster.

Kimmy Salinger:
Stop embarrassing yourself.

Det. Daniel Salinger:
Attendance is mandatory, Kimmy.

Kimmy Salinger:
Forget it; I made plans two weeks ago.

Det. Daniel Salinger:
Absolutely not. Family tradition; the whole block's comin'. Do you even know what this holiday's about? Huh? We honor those who gave up their lives defending our country.

Kimmy Salinger:
Like I give a - - . Mom!

Liz Salinger:
Sal - she made plans.

Det. Daniel Salinger:
Well, so... break 'em.

Kimmy Salinger:
[storming past him into the house] I hate you.

Det. Daniel Salinger:
Nice.

[Larry and Bridget can be heard arguing across the street]

Det. Daniel Salinger:
D'ya hear that? Do you - I'm goin' over there. Where's the freakin' respect? It's Memorial Day, for cryin' out loud.

Det. Nate Moretta:
[discussing the just-released Marta Ruiz] Well, what about ICE? She's freakin' illegal.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
Asylum. The lawyer told the court that if they deported her back to Mexico again, cartel would kill her.

Det. Andy Williams:
This is so screwed up; bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses dying to deal drugs.

Det. Kenny 'No-Gun':
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
Yeah, you think this is funny? Huh? She and her freakin' sons have tried to take out Janila twice. Now she's gotta wait for trial again, while this monster's out on bail?... This sucks!

Det. Kenny 'No-Gun':
[observing a tattoo on a dead gang member] Jes?s Malverde... the narco saint... you know, from Sinaloa? Patron saint for drug dealers.

Det. Andy Williams:
Looks like a bad actor in one of those cheesy Mexican films.

Marquis:
[displaying the tattoo on his stomach] 'Trust No B*tch'.

Marta Ruiz:
I'm a b*tch; and you trust *me*... you better find that girl and make sure she stays there. No more games.

Marquis:
I can do dat; she already text me - they're movin' her. Just give me a little time, let me settle in, and I'll let you know when you got your window.

Marta Ruiz:
You f- - up again, your whole family's in trouble. *Everybody* goes.

Detective Sammy Bryant:
No. No no, I-I am a Gangs Detective. I cannot have a f***ing "Find My Friend App" on my phone.

Officer John Cooper:
That's how you stop a f***ing car!

Detective Renee McBride:
Look, I appreciate the great work that you've done in spotting him, okay? I really do. But now it's my case. And expert care is what this child needs.

Officer John Cooper:
Expert care? What? Expert, you?

Detective Renee McBride:
[indignantly] I have a Masters degree in Child Psychology.

Officer John Cooper:
And I got a Ph.D. in street. Who gives a sh*t?

Detective Renee McBride:
And 20 years experience.

Officer Ben Sherman:
[trying to intervene] John. John...

Officer John Cooper:
Oh! 20 years! You know what, I don't care. That kid is telling the truth and you're too f***ing lazy to do your job. [screams in her face] Do your f***ing job!

Officer Dewey Dudek:
You all right, man? Why don't you lay off that sh*t one day. You don't look so good. Should come with me to a meeting.

Officer John Cooper:
Kiss my ass.

Officer Ben Sherman:
[struggling with a man] A little help?

Officer John Cooper:
What do ya think boot? You think that Paco there is gonna say thank you?

Dell Cooper:
If my prayers would've been answered, none of this would've ever happened.

Officer John Cooper:
Bob, if you don't calm down, I'm going to have to bring you in.

Crazy Man:
[doing wild karate moves] Hah, you mean you wished you could. I'm invisible. You can't see me! [Officer Cooper snatches Bob and slams him onto the cruiser] .

Crazy Man:
[crushed] You can see me?

Officer John Cooper:
I can see you, Bob.

Crazy Man:
But, I love this car. It smells like apple pie.

Crazy Man:
[Officer Cooper and Officer Tang cuff Crazy Bob] Oh, you're hand is so smooth.

Officer John Cooper:
My hand, Bob?

Crazy Man:
No, hers! Yours is cold and calloused.

Officer Jessica Tang:
Like your soul. [Officers Cooper and Tang laugh]

Det. Lydia Adams:
[on finding a baby in the street] I don't know... Maybe the mom ran to the store or somethin', got picked up, didn't tell the cops about the baby?

Det. Russell Clarke:
Maybe it was a carjacking - they look in the back seat, they see the baby, they freak out, they dump it.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
[facetiously] Or maybe God dropped it down.

[the two detectives stare at him]

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Come from heaven.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
So, uh, about Dewey's party...

Tammi Bryant:
Wh- wh- why do I have to go to this thing? Nobody liked him, right? I never even met the guy.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
It's a chance for you to meet some of my friends.

Tammi Bryant:
Oh, you - you mean "the wives"?

Det. Sammy Bryant:
Yeah, what's wrong with that? Huh?

Tammi Bryant:
But I, I have nothing in common with these women - *nothing*.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
You don't know that.

Tammi Bryant:
They probably all belong to a nice little book club, read Anne Rice novels.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
You're being ridiculous, Tammi.

Barry:
I saw the baby climb out of a box.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
The baby?

Barry:
Yeah - it tipped over the box and just climbed out. I thought I was hallucinating!

[Barry begins to laugh, and Cooper joins in mockingly]

Ofcr. John Cooper:
And then you just let it crawl into traffic, right?

Barry:
No; no no no no no - I, I had split by then. I had to get some breakfast. You know they serve this French toast over at the church...

Skylar Joel:
Hell was that?

Det. Russell Clarke:
Bean bag.

Skylar Joel:
Please, don't shoot me with that again.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Don't go pullin' knives on cops.

Skylar Joel:
I've been shot, I have been stabbed, and that *hurt*, man.

Officer John Cooper:
Seriously, where'd you learn to shoot?

Officer Ben Sherman:
Beverly Hills Gun Club.

Droopy:
Hey, check it out, dawg. I got a new tattoo. You always liked this sh*t.

Detective Nate Moretta:
It's good. Mama tried.

Detective Sammy Bryant:
You know the song?

Droopy:
What song?

Detective Nate Moretta:
Como que, what song? Merle Haggard, vato.

Droopy:
Merle who?

Detective Nate Moretta:
Mama tried.

Droopy:
Can you sing it?

Detective Sammy Bryant:
Can he sing it?

Detective Nate Moretta:
Check this out. I turned 21 in prison Doing life without parole No one could steer me right, but Mama tried Mama tried, Mama tried.

Droopy:
[laughs] This boy always cracks me up, Dawg. It's good. I like it. I like it.

Detective Daniel Salinger:
Remember the face. It's the reason we drag our sorry asses to work every morning in the service of a city that just doesn't give a damn. Fighting Gang Crime is like punching water. No matter how hard you hit, you just can't leave a dent. When a baby gets murdered, it makes you remember what it felt like the first time you put your blues on and stood in front of a mirror. It makes you remember WHY you became a cop. The Mission is clear. Punish evil everywhere. There are hard working, decent folks in these communities. Certain lines cannot be crossed, and there is only one way to send this message sometimes. So we're gonna send our boots so far up these gangsters asses, they wont ever dream about pulling this bullshit ever again.

Officer Ben Sherman:
You don't have a Sally story?

Officer John Cooper:
[smirks] No.

Officer Ben Sherman:
My car's parked at her place. [Sally honks car horn] And I could really use a massage after I tackled that dude.

Officer John Cooper:
You're a glutton for punishment.

Officer Ben Sherman:
You guys are just jealous.

Officer John Cooper:
You have been warned my friend. You have been warned.

Officer Ben Sherman:
What can I say? Love's a b*tch ese. See ya tomorrow.

Motorist:
[Motorist is being pulled over by Cooper and Tang for dropping a banana peel out his car window onto the road] What did I do?

Officer John Cooper:
Licence and registration please. You were splitting lanes. Sir, you can't eat breakfast behind the wheel.

Motorist:
I'm late for work. What am I supposed to do, just pull over?

Officer John Cooper:
I'm also citing you for littering.

Motorist:
A banana?

Officer John Cooper:
That's right.

Motorist:
It's biodegradable.

Officer John Cooper:
So why don't I come on over to your house and take a sh*t on your pillow. Would that be okay, since it's biodegradable?

Motorist:
[Hands over licence and registration to Cooper] Okay. Listen. Here. You know, I'm not the bad guy.

Officer Jessica Tang:
A banana?

Officer John Cooper:
An a**hole with a small carbon footprint is still an a**hole.

Kenny No-Gun:
You know, from the rope we'll be able to tell what the guy's into; if it's nylon, it's boating, if it's polyester - shipping, polypropylene - fishing... you know, some rope is sensitive to the cold and other deteriorates in the UV light, so...

[the other detectives stare at him]

Kenny No-Gun:
...From the sex crime days.

Det. Andy Williams:
I take back all the crap I said about you.

Kenny No-Gun:
Thank you.

Det. Lydia Adams:
Well, what do you want me to do? Put on a little outfit, go out, get drunk, stagger to my car, get raped, and end up here for ten years, waitin' for somebody to do somethin' about it?

Det. Russell Clarke:
Jeez, Lyd - take it easy.

Cathleen Kerik:
What kind of case were you pulled off of?

Det. Lydia Adams:
Girl in South Central, strangled and dumped in an alley. Nothin' you'd be concerned with.

Cathleen Kerik:
OK. What is it, exactly, that you don't like about me? Huh?

Det. Lydia Adams:
I don't like the fact that if this girl was found in an alley in Brentwood, this would be front page news.

Cathleen Kerik:
That...

Det. Lydia Adams:
I don't like that there's a backlog of rape DNA of three thousand cases. I don't like the skirt you wear, I don't like your hairstyle, I don't like that every time a man is within fifteen feet of you, you push out your chest and your voice gets all kittenish.

Corbin Nelson:
...Is my mom dead?

Det. Russell Clarke:
[reaching to turn off the TV] You mind if I turn this off here?... Yeah... she is... I'm really, really sorry.

Corbin Nelson:
...She was a whore.

Det. Russell Clarke:
[taken aback by the blunt remark] She was your mom... Look - I know you're always gonna remember this night, how awful it is, but... you can build good memories, too... Y'know, you gotta do that, you gotta focus on that. Try and remember the nice things about her.

Dina Clarke:
So what are you doin'? Typin' a letter or somethin'?

Det. Russell Clarke:
No, I'm gonna write.

Dina Clarke:
You are *so* competitive.

Det. Russell Clarke:
Can we not do this right now?

Dina Clarke:
But seriously, I write, so now you have to write?

Det. Russell Clarke:
Can't we just both write?

Dina Clarke:
You and every other cop - everyone thinks they're a writer.

Det. Russell Clarke:
You know what, Dina? You're not exactly Dostoyevsky, all right?

Dina Clarke:
...You're screwing that teacher, aren't you?

Det. Russell Clarke:
[bewildered by the question]... No.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
You've been draggin' my ass all over the place for two days - what the hell is goin' on, Nate?

Det. Nate Moretta:
Mercedes isn't my sister... she's my daughter.

[Sammy looks at him in surprise]

Det. Nate Moretta:
Right after I enlisted, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. We were all set to put the kid up for adoption, but my parents jumped in the middle of things. They refused to let their first grandchild be raised by a stranger.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
Does Mercedes know?

Det. Nate Moretta:
No... I don't know, maybe. Maybe that's why she's actin' out like this.

Det. Nate Moretta:
I didn't want you to find out this way.

Mercedes Moretta:
When? On your deathbed?

Det. Nate Moretta:
...Look, I was young. I couldn't give you the home that you deserved. Mom and Pops, they could give that to you.

Mercedes Moretta:
What about my mother? Why didn't she take me?

Det. Nate Moretta:
Because your mother... fell in with the wrong group of people. OK? She got into drugs, she got into alcohol.

Mercedes Moretta:
Do you still talk to her?

Det. Nate Moretta:
No, Mija, I don't. By the time I came home from the army, she... she moved away.

Mercedes Moretta:
Do I look like her?

Det. Nate Moretta:
Sure do - a lot. You're beautiful - just the way she was.

Mercedes Moretta:
I want to find her.

Det. Nate Moretta:
...OK. We can try.

Mercedes Moretta:
For real?

Det. Nate Moretta:
For real.

Det. Russell Clarke:
I think that, uh... she would have wanted you to have that.

[he hands Corbin his mother's cross pendant, and the boy quietly looks at it]

Corbin Nelson:
My grandma said you caught the guy.

Det. Russell Clarke:
Yeah, we did.

Corbin Nelson:
That's good, right?

Det. Russell Clarke:
Definitely.

[the boy continues to quietly touch the cross]

Det. Lydia Adams:
I have something to tell you. I'm a cop.

Talib:
Jeez... Well, I didn't see that one comin'... Cop. So you - you enjoy your job?

Det. Lydia Adams:
I love it.

Det. Lydia Adams:
[it suddenly strikes her how true that statement is] Hm - I really love it... and I had a good week.

Dr. Merrill Matthews:
It says here that this is your last session.

[Sherman nods]

Dr. Merrill Matthews:
How do you feel about the shooting?

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
...I'm okay with it... I didn't... enjoy it; it was unavoidable. Some guys, they work twenty years, they never have to shoot anybody... It's - it's weird, how much it means to guys like that... I'm okay with it.

Dr. Merrill Matthews:
Good... good.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Bein' from Beverly Hills and all, you must have been in *lots* of therapy.

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
Yeah, it's definitely not my first time at the rodeo.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
[watching Sherman text messaging] You like that thing? Text all your little buddies? I don't get it... I want *less* ways for people to reach me, not more.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Sir - your car was stolen?

Dante Johnson:
Yeah - Azure got jacked; playoffs comin' up, dude - I can't be in that kind o' trouble.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Could you be more specific?

Dante Johnson:
Went out last night, hit some places... came home, some people came to chill. Bentley Azure got jacked.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
So you wanna file a police report for a stolen vehicle?

Dante Johnson:
You ever go for some... strange?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
'Scuse me?

Dante Johnson:
[leading Cooper and Sherman into his ornate dining room] Aiight, aiight - c'mere... c'mere - I'm married, aiight? My wife is in St. Bart's with Dante Jr. - she has this dog, a Great Dane. I don't give a - - about the car; insurance'll cover it - but you gotta get me the dog back. Now, she comes home tomorrow; gotta get me the dog. I got some pictures of it somewhere around here.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Sir - do you or do you not want to file a police report?

Dante Johnson:
I'm married, motherf- - ; I can't be filin' no report!

Ofcr. John Cooper:
...So women took the car.

Dante Johnson:
Yeah, women took the car.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
And you don't wanna file a report.

Dante Johnson:
You ain't listenin', bra! Protect and serve, motherf- - ! You got somethin' against me? I got rights.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Sir... you have to file a police report; we're not private detectives.

Dante Johnson:
Aiight... aiight, aiight - I got a better idea. I go *with* you - we go lookin' around. I got some ideas where the b*tches be at. Wait here - lemme change, aiight? Ten, fifteen minutes.

[after Dante leaves, Sherman looks down at the floor, and motions to Ccoper to do the same; they observe in disbelief two girls in a swimming pool under the dining room's glass floor]

Responding Officer:
So I guess this is suspicious death, right?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
No... no, it's not a "suspicious death"; this isn't a friggin' Agatha Christie novel! There's accidental death, there's suicide, and then there's homicide - *this* is homicide. He's goin' in for murder.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
What the hell are you doing? People become cops for two reasons - all right, they need the paycheck, or they like to carry a big gun and tell people what to do. All right, now you - you surely don't need the money. I don't think you're a freak... so what the hell are you doin' here?

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
I'm a cop, same as you're a cop.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Oh, bull- - , Richie Rich. When I joined, this was the only job I could get makin' thirty thou a year. It's better than diggin' ditches.

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
All right, all right, no - you wanna know? All right, I was ten - my mom, she's a little, uh... she's a little fragile. My dad walks out on her... and these drug dealers that he represented, they broke into the house. They beat the hell out of her - I mean, just... I went to defend her, and they knocked out my teeth. And after that, I... I had some trouble sleeping, so... so I learned to shoot, right? End of story. Now will you get off my back?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
...My old man was a bigger ass- - than that.

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
Is he dead?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Nope...

Ofcr. John Cooper:
[laughing quietly] No, he's, uh... he's around. He's in prison.

[Sherman stares in surprise at Cooper]

Ofcr. John Cooper:
He raped and murdered someone... You have a good night.

[Cooper and Sherman pull up to kid holding up a sign reading "Radar Up Ahead - Slow Down"]

Kid with Sign:
It's not illegal; my dad's a lawyer.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Why you doin' this?

Kid with Sign:
It's for the money, man.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
The money?

[the kid holds up a jar filled with tips]

Ofcr. John Cooper:
[both officers laugh] There's not even any radar up there!

Kid with Sign:
*They* don't know that.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
[laughing as Sherman hands the kid a dollar] Man... that's classic.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Ma'am? Is everything OK?

Mother:
[to her small daughter] Seeee? You dialed 911 and these nice men came to help us. That's how it works; if you ever have a problem or anything bad happens to you or mommy, you just dial 911.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
So let me get this straight: you just dialed 911 so you could teach your daughter how to use ut?

Mother:
Of course; how else is she going to learn?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Well, no offense, ma'am... but you have your head up your friggin' ass.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
[referring to Nate's wife] You a cop when you met her?

Det. Nate Moretta:
Nah, I was a private.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
...I was a stoner when I met Tammi.

Det. Nate Moretta:
[laughing] What, are you serious?

Det. Sammy Bryant:
Stoned all through high school.

Det. Nate Moretta:
Wow.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
Just hangin' with my...

Det. Nate Moretta:
Was Tammi part of that group?

Det. Sammy Bryant:
My wife is not a group person; she doesn't get the team mentality.

Det. Nate Moretta:
...It's her loss.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
[after a few seconds] You ever smoked weed?

Det. Nate Moretta:
...No.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
[after considering this for several seconds]... Yeah, I didn't think so.

Det. Daniel Salinger:
House right there?

Kenny No-Gun:
Yeah?

Det. Daniel Salinger:
Belongs to Miss Sally Hightower - 90 years young, outlived all her relatives. Told me the secret to a long life was prayer and a good rocking chair.

Kenny No-Gun:
Problem?

Det. Daniel Salinger:
[noting the empty porch] Yeah; she's almost always in it.

Officer Ben Sherman:
Every one's congratulating me like I did something great. I hit that guy hard. He had cuffs on.

Officer John Cooper:
You've got a lot of power out there. If you can't get control of it, maybe you shouldn't be here.

Officer Ben Sherman:
I don't know where the lines are...

Officer John Cooper:
Now you know what you're capable of. Everyone- When they get out of the Academy- they think it's all black and white, but it's not. We live in the gray. We live there.

Officer John Cooper:
Ask them. Tell them. Make them.

Officer Chickie Brown:
I mean it Coop, thanks for riding with me. You know how much this sucks? Everyone's mad at me? Thinks I'm a rat?

Officer John Cooper:
Oh, come on. Stop. Okay. It's not f***ing Serpico. That's not why no one wants to ride with you.

Officer Chickie Brown:
Of course, that's why.

Officer John Cooper:
No, it's not, okay? It's not, all right? You're a crap cop, okay, Chickie? You used to be a good one but you're not anymore. You know, you say what you want about Dewey but, man, he would charge right in there. Right in there! You? You have been hiding behind him for years. You should have drug his ass into rehab a long time ago, but you didn't. Now, I don't know what the hell happened to you... but you are NOTHING like the girl I met.

Wade:
[objecting to being pulled over] Do you know who my father is?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Why, your mother didn't tell you?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Burn squad just showed up. You heard of Warner Brothers? This is "warn a brother" - you don't lie; that's how they get you. Lying is worse than an out-of-policy shooting. You just tell it like it happened, you'll be fine - no big deal.

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
Taking a life is a big deal to me, okay?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
What the hell did you think the gun was for, huh? Show-and-tell? Look, you'll get over it - all right, they'll send you to BSS, you'll do all that Buddhist "I love and revere all sentient beings" crap; then at o'dark-thirty, next time you're up, you will drag your weary, fried ass out of bed, you will put on your gun and your vest, and you will do it all over again. You know why? Because this is a front row seat to the greatest show on earth. Can you abuse it? Yes, sir - you can, and you will; I guarantee it. Because it is relentless, and it gets to you, and it seems like it changes nothing. But a day like today, with some interesting capers, and a few good arrests? That's good. But every once in a while, you get to take a bad guy off the streets for good... and that, my friend, is God's work. So now you wanna be a p*ssy and quit, you quit. You're a cop because you don't know how not to be one. If you feel that way, you're a cop. If you don't, you're not - you decide.

[first lines]

Title card:
Only 9,800 police officers patrol the city of Los Angeles, an area of 500 square miles and 4 million people...

[a wounded police officer is taken away by paramedics, and arrests are made following a street shooting; Officer Ben Sherman emerges from an apartment complex and crouches next to a dead man lying in the street, staring at the body]

Crime Scene Photographer:
You okay, son?

[Sherman continues staring at the body, oblivious to the question]

Crime Scene Photographer:
[insistently] You okay, son?

Narrator:
Ben Sherman just finished phase one of his probationary training; he still needed to have his daily book signed by his training officer. The night had not gone well.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Look sharp, act sharp, be sharp. These guys comin' out of prison - they're buff, been on drugs. You do what they teach you in the academy, you *will* die. Knucklehead wants to take your gun, so if it's you or some 300-pound naked guy on PCP, you take his ass down any way you can - you ride with me, you back your badge.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
I get this "mayhem" one time, go over to Killer King, there's this guy with a little tent over his genitals. Doc keeps, you know, signaling for me to look under there. Guy had scooped out his nuts with a spoon. He said they'd gotten him into trouble his whole life. So I took a Polaroid, right? Put the picture in my pocket. Captain shows up - know what he says? Make sure you attach the picture to the report.

[Sherman looks at Cooper stoically, not laughing over the story]

Ofcr. John Cooper:
What are you, Canadian?

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
[he sees Shamika reading "Beloved" in the hospital waiting room; neither realizes that it is he who has killed one of the gang members who shot her brother]... I like that book.

Shamika Cole:
How come you read this book?

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
My Black Studies class.

Shamika Cole:
For real?

[Sherman nods]

Shamika Cole:
...I have a brother got shot.

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
What?

Shamika Cole:
My brother got shot.

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
Oh - oh, I'm sorry; is he, is he gonna be OK?

Shamika Cole:
They say so.

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
Good... You need me to do anything, can I check with anybody about anything?

Shamika Cole:
Oh, no, he's fine - he's sleeping... You a cop?

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
...Yeah; yeah... We got a look or something?

Shamika Cole:
No, it's just the hair, that's all.

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
I don't look mean or anything?

[Shamika shakes her head, smiling widely]

[Sherman reads his report book, which Cooper has signed]

Ofcr. John Cooper:
[voiceover] It is my opinion that despite the circle jerk of this night, Officer Ben Sherman performed his duties to the highest standard. He is, and will continue to be, a superior police officer. We will be very lucky if he serves his sworn career with the Los Angeles police.

Officer John Cooper:
Tori Spelling threw up all over his brand new patent leather Mary Janes.

Officer John Cooper:
It's like drivin' through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat, right?

Officer John Cooper:
Where did you learn to shoot like that? Beverly Hills Gun Club?

Officer Ben Sherman:
Why don't you shut the hell up, sir.

Officer Dewey Dudek:
What's a matter with him? Why's he so quiet?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
He's Canadian.

Officer Chickie Brown:
What part of Canada are you from?

Ofcr. Ben Sherman:
Oh no- I'm not from Canada.

Officer John Cooper:
A**hole rodeo.

Officer Danny Ferguson:
[to the guy shooting up the station] Hey, a**hole!

Det. Lydia Adams:
So we *can* get overtime to work homicide cases, but now suddenly there's money to fund Bel-Air break-ins.

Det. Alicia Fernandez:
The residents here don't feel safe.

Det. Lydia Adams:
And the residents in South Central don't either.

Det. Alicia Fernandez:
But these residents don't just b*tch; they invite the chief of police over for cocktails.

Det. Lydia Adams:
[after Fernandez has walked away] How convenient, to have money.

Young Man in Bar:
You wanna get high?

Ofcr. John Cooper:
[annoyed] No; I *don't* wanna get high.

Young Man in Bar:
You just bought *somethin'*.

Ofcr. John Cooper:
So you think I'd risk a ninety thousand dollar a year job, my pension, and my belief system for *you*?

[Cooper pours his beer over the pills in the man's hand]

Ofcr. John Cooper:
Now get away from me, before I bring a whole barrel of ass whoopin' down on your head.

[Tammi has called Sammy, trying to talk him into buying a downtown loft]

Det. Sammy Bryant:
Are you in front of a window?

Tammi Bryant:
Yeah; I am next to an enormous, beautiful window. Yes.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
What do you see? Do you see a school, a supermarket? Do you see a newsstand? No, you do not. You see homeless people, junkies, and concrete.

Tammi Bryant:
I hate where we live. It's killing me creatively.

Det. Sammy Bryant:
[he laughs derisively] Creatively!

[Tammi hangs up]

Det. Russell Clarke:
[looking into a jewelry case] 'Scuse me - how much does somethin' like this go for?

Lana Schmidt:
Thirty thousand - that's art deco platinum, diamonds and sapphires; you shopping for someone in particular?

Det. Russell Clarke:
[deflated by the price] No, just curious.

Det. Lydia Adams:
So how many employees do you have?

Lana Schmidt:
Uh, mostly it's just me. I have two sales associates and a setter.

Det. Russell Clarke:
Do they have access to your customer database?

Lana Schmidt:
Honey, it's the information age; *everyone* has access to *everything*.

Det. Russell Clarke:
You wanna do in vitro again? You know, we're payin' off the last one.

Dina Clarke:
So, you wanna just give up?

Det. Russell Clarke:
No, we tried it, Dina - over and over again.

Dina Clarke:
So what are you gonna do - trade me in for someone with fresher eggs?

[he returns to his writing, rolling his eyes at the question]

Dina Clarke:
I'm not a fool, Russell. You're in love with her, aren't you?

Det. Russell Clarke:
Who?

Dina Clarke:
That teacher.

Det. Russell Clarke:
You just got it all figured out, huh?

Dina Clarke:
Admit it.

Det. Russell Clarke:
Why? So that you can post it on your blog?

Dina Clarke:
[offended] You need to leave, Russell.

Det. Russell Clarke:
What?

Dina Clarke:
Leave. Please, just leave.

Det. Lydia Adams:
What's goin' on?

Talib:
Lydia, I don't... I don't think this is gonna work. Hey, look, I've been wrestlin' with this. You know, even goin' to see my pastor, and... I tried, I just can't get past the fact that, you know, that you lied. You know, that you lied about bein' a cop.

Det. Lydia Adams:
Are you serious?

Talib:
Yeah, I mean... I mean, how can you start a relationship... based on a lie?

Det. Lydia Adams:
Well, you knew that before we slept together. Did you tell your pastor *that*?