Step Brothers

Brennan Huff:
(Banging Dale's snare drum with his scrotum) John Bonham's playing Moby Dick for real!

Brennan Huff:
(Playing with Dale's drumset, as he yells in one of the drums) F*** YOU, DALE! F*** YOU!!

Brennan Huff:
(Sleep-talking) I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.

Brennan Huff:
(At Derek's birthday gathering, during his and Dale's presentation of Prestige Worldwide) Last week, we put Liquid Paper on a bee... And it died.

Brennan Huff:
(Wearing a Nazi outfit, to some home buyers) Hey, f***ers! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name is Craig. If you guys need any fertilizer, I've got a lot of it; Close to 80 tons. (to Derek, after the home buyers leave) Hey, Derek! Sprechen Sie Dick?

Brennan Huff:
(In regards to Robert and Nancy, who are retiring, selling their residence and having him and Dale live on their own as adults) Hold on; We're not going on the boat... Derek's selling the house... We have to go therapy? (Robert nods in response) WHAT THE F*** HAPPENED!?

Brennan Huff:
(After singing for Dale, upon his request) I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing.

Brennan Huff:
(On Christmas Day, regarding his Chewbacca mask) It's okay that mine's not movie quality.

Brennan:
I'm not gonna call him [Robert] "Dad".

Nancy:
Brennan, you're 39 years old. I would not expect you to call him "Dad".

Brennan:
Well, I'm not going to. Ever. Even if there's a fire!

Brennan:
Robert better not get in my face... 'cause I'll drop that motherf***er.

Nancy:
Jesus, Brennan!

Brennan:
Where did he go to medical school?

Nancy:
He went to Northwestern and Johns Hopkins, is that good enough for you?

Brennan:
No, it's not.

Nancy:
Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools.

Brennan:
I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

Nancy:
You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.

Brennan:
It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering. And they were blazing that sh*t up every day.

Dale:
You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learn-ed doctors.

Brennan:
You're not a doctor...you're a big, fat, curly-headed f***!

Dale:
Why are you so sweaty?

Brennan:
I was watching Cops.

Brennan:
Did we just become best friends?

Dale:
Yep!

Brennan:
Do you wanna do Karate in the garage?

Dale:
Yep!

Brennan:
This house is a f***ing prison!

Dale:
On planet Bullshit!

Brennan:
In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel D*cks!

Dale:
(Is inside of the hole) What are you doing?

Brennan:
(As he's shoveling dirt on Dale) I'm burying you!

Dale:
(Sobbing) But I'm alive! Brennan, I'm alive!

Brennan:
(Continues burying him) You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!!

Dale:
No!

Brennan:
Now I'm gonna play your drum set!

Dale:
Help me!

Brennan:
Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you.

Robert:
(Turns off TV)

Brennan:
What the f***?!

Dale:
Dad! What are you doing? It's Shark Week!

Robert:
Here's the deal. Number one, you are gonna fix the f***ing dry wall, NOW!

Brennan:
Hey. Are you awake?

Dale:
Yeah. I can't believe we have actually have to move out of this house.

Brennan:
I know. I feel bad.

Dale:
Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here.

Brennan:
Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though? It helps me pretend that they are.

Dale:
You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad.

Brennan:
Yeah.

Dale:
But I can't imagine how you feel...after my dad looked right at you and said...it's all your fault that they broke up.

Brennan:
That's funny, because my mom said; "If that curly-headed f*** Dale wasn't here, everything would be perfect."

Dale:
(Switches the lamp on) You take that back.

Brennan:
No way. It's your fault.

Dale:
(He and Brennan get up from their beds) You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land, you refuse to get a job, and you don't even know what it's like to work for something!

Brennan:
You don't take responsibility for your actions! And that's why this is all your fault!

Dale:
Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public! (Brennan frustratingly walks out of the room) Yeah, that's right. Run away, little boy! You know it's true! Just avoid everything! (Later, he hears drumming sounds) What are you doing?!

Brennan:
(singing) "Dale broke up Mom and Dad..."

Dale:
MOTHERF***ER!! (Screams while he runs toward the room where Brennan is playing his drum set; with Brennan distracted, Dale thereupon grabs a cymbal and bashes Brennan in the head with it)

Robert:
(About his dream to be a dinosaur) So I thought, I'll be a doctor for a little while...and then go back to that.

Brennan:
How is that even a skill?

Dale:
(Pops up from the tree house's entrance) You're right about your brother. (climbs inside) Total dick.

Brennan:
(Is reading a pornographic magazine) Told you. You know what? I still hate you, but you've got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.

Dale:
(Also reads one) Yeah, I got them from the '70's, '80's and '90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.

Brennan:
Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?

Derek:
What?

Brennan:
If you lick my butthole.

Dale:
SNAP!! (He and Brennan do a high-five)

Dale:
Can we turn our beds into bunkbeds?

Brennan:
It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!

Robert:
You don't need permission from us to build bunkbeds. You're adults, you can do what you want.

Dale:
So...?

Robert:
I'm not making myself clear... I don't give a f***; now you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunkbeds.

Dale:
So...?

Brennan:
We can..? No?

Nancy:
Yes.

Brennan:
Thanks. You guys are not gonna regret it.

Dale:
This is the funnest night ever!

Dale:
(Regarding the job interviews that occurred) Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened?

Nancy:
Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.

Brennan:
Oh, he did?

Nancy:
Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or...?

Dale:
No. I thought it was gonna be silent.

Brennan:
It was not silent...

Dale:
It just kept going...

Brennan:
It got louder...

Dale:
It made a sound. It was embarrassing...

Brennan:
It got louder.

Sporting goods manager:
I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedo's to the interview, that's funny, it's ironic, I get that. Underplaying tho whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this, you know? You guys are in, you're hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.

Brennan:
Great.

Sporting goods manager:
...Was that a fart?

Dale:
I don't know.

Sporting Goods manager:
I can taste it. On my tongue.

Dale:
Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.

Sporting Goods manager:
Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup. It stinks. This is a small room...

Brennan:
Sh*t.

Sporting Goods manager:
Okay, now the tuxedos seem kinda f***ed up.

Dale:
Dad, I can't believe you're being so stingy!

Nancy:
Robert, come back down!

Brennan:
It's a simple business decision!

Robert:
You jagaloons! Your're failures! FAIL!...UUUURES!

Brennan:
And you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric f***!

Nancy:
Brennan!

Brennan:
Two things; you keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother! She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000!

Nancy:
Oh, stop it! Stop it right now..!

Brennan:
Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass...

Nancy:
Brennan!

Brennan:
...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces SH*T!!!

Brennan:
Listen, I know we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me, against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.

Dale:
I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean.

Dale:
(To Brennan, believing he touched his drum set) Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set?

Brennan:
Nope.

Dale:
It's just weird 'cause...it seems like someone definitely touched my drum set.

Brennan:
Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch em'.

Dale:
(Throws Brennan's feet off the couch) Hey! (Angrily) Did you touch my drum set?!

Brennan:
Hey, knock it off!

Dale:
I know you touched my drum STICK. 'Cause the left one has a chip in it!

Brennan:
Are you f***ing crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.

Dale:
F*** you, Brennan! I know you touched my drum set, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it!

Brennan:
You get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!

Dale:
You swear on your mom's life you didn't touch it then?!

Brennan:
I don't have to swear to sh*t!

Dale:
That's 'cause you f***ing touched my drum set, 'cause I KNOW, Cops doesn't start till 4:00!

Brennan:
(Begins to leave the living room)

Dale:
Where you going?

Brennan:
I'm going upstairs. Cause I'm gonna put my nutsack on your drum set! Okay!? (He walks upstairs)

Dale:
Don't you do that! I am WARNING you right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, IN THE NECK, WITH A KNIFE!

Robert:
That's enough ketchup...Come on, Dale. (Pounds the table)

Dale:
I like it!

Robert:
That's enough.

Nancy:
(As Brennan takes a small bowl of sauce from the table) Dale, I don't know if you...you might wanna try this. I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...

Brennan:
(Begins pouring the sauce on his meal) For me.

Nancy:
...That Brennan really likes with his chicken nuggets.

Brennan:
It's my fancy sauce.

Nancy:
Well, when Brennan finishes I'll give you some of this, and its...its just ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, so..

Brennan:
Its so good.

Dale:
I want some fancy sauce.

Brennan:
I'm not done using it.

Robert:
Looks good.

Dale:
Can I have some fancy sauce?

Nancy:
Of course, of course.

Brennan:
I'm using it right now

Nancy:
So, let's let him try some. You wanna try some, Dale?

Dale:
Yeah, I really would like some.

Brennan:
Just one last spoonful. (Stops pouring the fancy sauce)

Nancy:
Hey, I think you've got enough there, Brennan. So here you go. It's ketchup and mayonnaise.

Dale:
Thanks. (Sniffs the sauce) Ugh! I don't like it. It smells weird.

Nancy:
Okay.

Robert:
I'll try some.

Nancy:
You want some?

Robert:
Sure, absolutely.

Nancy:
Okay. You don't mind do you Brennan?

Brennan:
No. (Brennan stops Robert from taking the sauce with his hand)

Nancy:
Brennan..

Brennan:
I'm not comfortable...

Robert:
It's okay. It's probably not good on fish, anyway.

Dale:
But my dad's king of the castle, so if he want fancy sauce, he should...

Robert:
No, it's all right, Dale...

Brennan:
Well, if he wants fancy sauce, he can make his own batch.

Nancy:
(To Brennan) So you know what? Today while you were driving around, Dale was telling me that he's really into Kung Fu, and I was telling him that you're really into Kung Fu as well.

Brennan:
I have a green belt...read it and weep.

Dale:
I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time, I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.

Robert:
That's not true Dale, don't be ridiculous. (Dale looks down)

Nancy:
So, Dale what have you been working on recently?

Dale:
Well...I manage a baseball team.

Nancy:
Little League?

Dale:
Fantasy League.

Dale:
Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

Robert:
Why don't you stop being so... confrontational, Dale?

Dale:
I'm not the one staring at me!

Robert:
So, Brennan, what about you? I know you used to work at PetSmart.

Brennan:
That's right Mr. Doback.

Robert:
Call me Robert.

Brennan:
That's right, Robin.

Robert:
Robert.

Brennan:
(Under his breath) ....Robin.

Nancy:
Actually, Brennan is a really talented person. He's a very gifted singer.

Brennan:
I'm really really good.

Dale:
How good?

Brennan:
I've been called, "the song bird, of my generation"...THAT good.

Nancy:
The only thing is, Brennan's very... particular about who he sings in front of so... I'm his mom, for example, and I've only heard him sing... twice.

Dale:
That's funny that you say that, because I can sing too. In fact, I'll sing right now. (Singing) If you wanna get down on these hairy balls...

Robert:
HEY!

Dale:
Why don't you jump right in? It's a crotch party right up in here!

Robert:
Stop it!

Dale:
Why don't you suck on this big john?

Robert:
Stop it, Dale! Stop it, stop it!

Brennan:
(Sarcastically) That's cute. I remember when I had my first beer.

Dale:
(Sarcastically laughs) That's so funny the last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

Pam:
(Interviewing Brennan) Well, Brennan you certainly have had a lot of jobs.

Brennan:
I'm a bit of a spark plug...and, Human Resources Lady, I think...

Pam:
You know, actually, it's Pam.

Brennan:
I'm sorry. Well, Pan...

Pam:
No, my name is PAM.

Brennan:
Are you saying Pam? or Pan?

Pam:
I'm saying Pam. Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this gentlemen behind you? (Dale pokes his head out from behind Brennan)

Dale:
Hello, Ms. Lady! I'm Dale, I'm Brennan's stepbrother, and I think I may be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.

Brennan:
Yeah, that'd be great.

Dale:
Pan.

Pam:
Pam.

Brennan:
Pand...There's a D on the end.

Dale:
With an M.

Pam:
There's no D. it's Pam.

Dale:
It's like "Comb" except P-A-N-M. N-N. There's two N's.

Brennan:
Two M's. That was the confusion.

Pam:
I think we've had enough...

Brennan:
Shush up for one second. Shut your mouth. Wait. Shut your mouth.

Pam:
I'm sorry what did you say?

Brennan:
You're just coming off stupid.

Pam:
Oh. I'm coming off stupid? You're wearing tuxedos to a job that requires you to clean bathrooms! Please leave this office. We're done with this interview.

Brennan:
Do we get any kind of souvenir?

Pam" Get out of my office!!

Brennan:
The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria. I'll do you in the bottom while you're drinking sangria!

Dale:
Nachos and Lemonheads...

Both:
...on my dad's boat!

Dale:
You won't go down, 'cause my dick can float!

Brennan:
We sail around the world, and go port to port. Every time I "cum" I produce a quart.

Nancy:
That is offensive, Brennan, Dale.

Brennan:
Deadliest Catch without the crabs, we're almost out of gas...

Both:
Call the Arabs!

Dale:
Pull up the anchor, 'cause we're leaving dry land! Get below deck...

Both:
...with a dick in your hand!

Background voice:
Boats and hoes, boats and hoes, I gotta have me my boats and hoes...

Randy:
(To Brennan) Not bad. You're nailing it.

Brennan:
Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.

Randy:
Yeah. I don't know what it is, but I wanna deliver one of these (Holds up fist) right into your suckhole.

Brennan:
Is there anything I can do?

Randy:
No, not really. It's your face. Again, you're doing great, man, The Catalina Wine Mixer. We're all having a great time, having fun. You pulled it off...but if you don't change your face... I'm gonna change it for you.

Brennan:
Okay, okay. All I can do is take that in, consider it...And I'll just do my best version of whatever I think that would be.

Randy:
I don't even hear you, your face is driving me nuts.

Brennan:
Thanks again, though.

Randy:
(Distracted) Oh tits, hold on. (Walks away)

Nancy:
Today, I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.

Brennan:
Mom, I honestly thought I was going to be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes, and at one point he said, "Let's get it on".

Dale:
That was about the fighting! I'm so not a raper!

Dale:
Dad. We're men, okay? That means a few things; we like to sh*t with the door open, we talk about p*ssy, we like to go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked.

Robert:
(Thinks for a minute) We literally have never done any of those things.

Dale:
The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.

Brennan:
Who's the retard?

Dale:
You.

Brennan:
(Loudly) Hey ya'll don't say that!

Dale:
Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.

Brennan:
(Softly) Just shut up.

Dale:
You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learn-ed doctors.

Brennan:
You're not a doctor... You're a big, fat, curly-headed f***.

Dale:
(Turns towards Brennan) Oh, yeah?

Brennan:
(Turns towards Dale) Yeah.

Dale:
I'm a curly-headed f***?

Brennan:
Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face.

Dale:
I hope you stay still when you sleep... because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs.

Brennan:
I'm gonna take a pillow case... and fill it... full of bars of soap, and beat the sh*t out of you. (Dale turns away from Brennan)

Dale:
I want you out of my f***ing house.

Brennan:
No way, Kemosabe. This is my house now.

Dale:
Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: 'Oh, my God. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf.' And she grabs me by the wiener...

Robert:
Shut the f*** up!!

Brennan:
Listen. Mom...Mr. Doback.

Robert:
Don't call me Mr. Doback.

Brennan:
Ok...Mom, Doback.

Brennan:
I teabagged your drum set! Your drum set's a whore!

Dale:
Well, my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay, you f***er!

Gardocki:
Well, if it isn't Dale Doback and his little butt-buddy.

Brennan:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!

Gardocki:
LET'S GET THEM!! (The children and Dale and Brennan begin charging at each other, resulting in a fight)

Dale:
Where do you think you're going?

Brennan:
(with Dale) Huh?

Gardocki:
Home.

Dale:
We got something to show you.

Brennan:
Come on. (Later, they torture Gardocki with white dog excrement, as Brennan is holding him by the neck) You see that white dog crap?!

Dale:
Do you see it?!

Gardocki:
Yeah!

Dale:
Not too fun down there, is it?!

Gardocki:
No!

Brennan:
You see, your actions have consequences!

Dale:
When you oppress people, they rise up in a fiery anger!!

Brennan:
(releases Gardocki, who runs away in defeat) Go home!

Dale:
We're not like you! We're grownups, motherf***er!

Brennan:
Say "hi" to your dad! We went to high school together!

Robert better not get in my face, because ill drop that f***er

Dale:
(Pops up from the tree house's entrance) You're right about your brother. (climbs inside) Total dick.

Brennan:
(Is reading a pornographic magazine) Told you.

Dale:
Dad, I can't believe you're being so stingy!

Nancy:
Robert, come back down!

Brennan:
It's a simple business decision!

Robert:
You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES!

Brennan:
Hey, you listen to me, you geriatric f***! Two things! You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother! She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000!

Nancy:
Oh, stop it.

bruh moment

Dale:
Whose fault is it? Oh, I wanna f***ing know!

Robert:
Let's cut this sh*t, it is-it is directly your fault.

Nancy:
Robert...

(Robert holds his neck in pain)

Robert:
You destroyed my boat, you beat me up in your sleep, and worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other. It is absolutely 150% your fault!

Derek:
Of course it's their fault. They're the two biggest d*ckheads in the world, and they're living in your house.

Nancy:
(Sternly) Derek.

Derek:
I'm sorry, but--

(Brennan starts sobbing)