Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

[repeated line]

Matt Albie:
SUZANNE!

Matt Albie:
Look, I hate Los Angeles just like everybody else, but I have to work here because in any other part of the country I'm unemployable.

Danny Tripp:
The first day of work, I said, "You and Harriet, is it gonna be a problem?" You said, "No, Danny, no, it's not gonna be a problem."

Matt Albie:
Did I say it in the same creepy little voice you just used?

Danny Tripp:
It's Wednesday night; it all comes together on Wednesday night.

Jordan McDeere:
So why do I pay you guys for Monday and Tuesday?

Danny Tripp:
Because you love me.

Jordan McDeere:
A little.

Danny Tripp:
No, huge.

Jordan McDeere:
Mmm, I've loved other guys, it's a passing thing.

Jordan McDeere:
[about her new "Real Care" baby's crying] It just told me I'd stuffed it in a Prada bag!

Danny Tripp:
The real baby's gonna do that too.

Jordan McDeere:
Yeah, but now I know not to... you know...

Danny Tripp:
Stuff the baby in a bag? You knew that before.

Jordan McDeere:
But now I can practice comforting.

Danny Tripp:
You turned it off with a remote.

Danny Tripp:
Look, I know you're nervous, and God understands that. So he made the first year an on ramp, okay? You're not up to full speed, you're just merging with other traffic.

Jordan McDeere:
You know how many times I've busted my car merging with other traffic?

Danny Tripp:
Okay, you don't drive the baby. Ever.

Jordan McDeere:
[to Danny] Hundred bucks says you can't keep the fake baby alive until we leave here.

Danny Tripp:
Well, now we know not to put the baby's head in a guillotine.

Jordan McDeere:
How did the baby get in the guillotine?

[Tom and Cal have accidentally chopped the head off a RealCare baby with a guillotine]

Danny Tripp:
How's it goin'?

Tom Jeter:
Good.

Danny Tripp:
OH MY GOD!

Tom Jeter:
'cept that we beheaded the baby.

Danny Tripp:
The hell did you do?

Cal Shanley:
Problem?

Danny Tripp:
Yes, it's a problem. This is a special doll with... with computer sensors.

Cal Shanley:
I've heard about those things. RealCare babies, they're supposed to be indestructible.

Danny Tripp:
Yeah, they are, unless you drop an 80 pound hydraulic axe on their head.

Tom Jeter:
[on learning that Simon slept with the sexual harassment plaintiff] Simon! You've got to go talk to the lawyer.

Simon Stiles:
I'll lose my job! I'll lose my house! I'll lose my Lincoln Navigator!

Tom Jeter:
Look...

Simon Stiles:
My Navigator Tom!

Matt Albie:
All right, here it is. It's easy, but pay attention. "Spit-Take Theatre" same five actors, same set. It's going on the cards right now and we'll mark it during the next c-break. You speak in a Stentorian voice. On the first round of cards the actor third to the left of the person speaking does a spit-take. On the second round, the actor third to the left and to the immediate left does a spit-take, and on the final round anyone who isn't speaking does a spit-take. Good?

Harriet Hayes:
Wait, I made it through the week without getting sick and now we're ending the night with everybody spitting at me?

Matt Albie:
That's better. Everyone should just spit at Harriet.

Harriet Hayes:
Knock-knock.

Tom Jeter:
Oh God.

Harriet Hayes:
Knock-knock rook.

Dylan Killington:
Who's there?

Harriet Hayes:
Orange.

Samantha Li:
Banana!

Harriet Hayes:
Orange.

Samantha Li:
Banana! It's banana! Banana, banana, banana! Then you say orange, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Four-year-olds are telling this joke!

Harriet Hayes:
Okay, well calm down. I happen to be a member of the... what?

Simon Stiles:
Fallstaff.

Harriet Hayes:
Fallstaff Society.

Darius Hawthorne:
[while Andy reads a new sketch] What do you think?

Andy Mackinaw:
I'm on page 2 and I still don't know what it's about.

Darius Hawthorne:
See, it's about the world's dumbest criminal who takes hostages in a bank...

Andy Mackinaw:
'Kay, well you're going to have to explain it to everybody in the audience exactly like that, because I'm on page 2 and I still don't know what it's about.

Danny Tripp:
How's it going?

Matt Albie:
Good... good... good... good... good.

Danny Tripp:
Yeah?

Matt Albie:
Absolutely.

Danny Tripp:
Good.

Matt Albie:
No.

Danny Tripp:
Yeah.

Matt Albie:
We may need a little help.

Danny Tripp:
Yeah.

Nurse:
[after Dylan passes out from a virus that is spreading through the cast] This thing is gonna kill us all.

Danny Tripp:
Oh thanks, Sunshine.

Nurse:
And could these lights possibly be any hotter?

Danny Tripp:
Nope, this is as hot as they get.

Simon Stiles:
[an air horn blows] What the hell what that?

Tom Jeter:
An air horn.

Simon Stiles:
Why is an air horn lying around here?

Tom Jeter:
Maybe it's just for such an occasion.

Harriet Hayes:
I'm better than all of you, and the proof is, I got into the American Falstaff Society.

Simon Stiles:
I'm already in.

Harriet Hayes:
Alright. Then I'm better than three of you.

Harriet Hayes:
Matt!

Matt Albie:
Yeah.

Harriet Hayes:
I got into the Falstaff Society.

Matt Albie:
Hey, great! Are you the first woman?

Harriet Hayes:
I'm the eleventh woman.

Matt Albie:
Cool.

Harriet Hayes:
I am the first woman in the Great Lake region.

Matt Albie:
You're quite a pioneer!

Danny Tripp:
Well the problem is, when you were little and your parents told you you were funny, you didn't realize they were just trying to be nice.

Matt Albie:
Have you let Martha have it for her column?

Danny Tripp:
Huh?

Matt Albie:
You said you were gonna let Martha have it, and I wanted to see that.

Danny Tripp:
Well, I banished her from the floor.

Matt Albie:
She's right there on the floor next to you.

Danny Tripp:
Well, she has full access.

Matt Albie:
She's waiving at me right now.

Danny Tripp:
I know.

Matt Albie:
Almost seems like she's mocking you...

Danny Tripp:
You'll learn. Did you read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday?

Suzanne:
Yes.

Danny Tripp:
Do you agree it's terrible that she sourced an anonymous web post to support her point?

Suzanne:
I liked the piece.

Danny Tripp:
Never disagree with me.

Suzanne:
It made me sick.

Danny Tripp:
Took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant.

Matt Albie:
Yeah?

Suzanne:
If you'll take me.

Matt Albie:
I'll take the hell outta ya.

Suzanne:
Is there a way you'd like me to dress?

Matt Albie:
Sure, but I have to wake up for school now.

Danny Tripp:
Tell Karen to draw you two hundred dollars from petty cash and buy some nice work clothes.

Suzanne:
Two hundred dollars?

Danny Tripp:
It's on us.

Suzanne:
Am I working for Matt in 1963?

Suzanne:
You both need to get B-12 shots from the nurse.

Matt Albie:
I've had mine and Danny can't have one.

Danny Tripp:
Why not?

Matt Albie:
Memo said you can't have the shot if you're pregnant.

Danny Tripp:
Yeah.

Matt Albie:
Seriously, it can be dangerous if you're pregnant.

Danny Tripp:
I'm not pregnant.

Matt Albie:
Have you checked? You're been pretty hormonal.

Danny Tripp:
It's testosterone.

Matt Albie:
It's Estrogen. Suzanne, why don't you get Danny one of those little kits - you probably keep a bunch in your car.

Danny Tripp:
[to Suzanne] He's trying to get a riff going. Don't feed the fire and it will go out.

Matt Albie:
One more thing...

Danny Tripp:
What?

Matt Albie:
You can't get that shot if you're pregnant.

Danny Tripp:
You know Chevy Chase woke up one day, and he just wasn't funny any more.

Andy Mackinaw:
[after Darius and Lucy's sketch receives absolutely no laughs at the dress rehearsal] Yep... That's what tanking is like.

Lucy Kenwright:
That was unbearable. Was that really only 3 minutes?

Andy Mackinaw:
Actually it ran short. No one had to hold for laughter.

Darius Hawthorne:
Come on, let's get out of here.

Andy Mackinaw:
Wait here a minute.

Darius Hawthorne:
For what?

Andy Mackinaw:
The metaphor.

Andy Mackinaw:
[Darius suddenly has a door thrown right in his face by a person running out of the studio] Okay, come on.

Herb Sheldon:
Live from Studio City on the Sunset Strip, it's Friday Night in Hollywood.

Mary Tate:
Did he just say Studio City?

Matt Albie:
Yep.

Simon Stiles:
Ah, I'm always grateful for another week of working with you all. I'm grateful for another opportunity to try and do my best. Harry, I hope you're a huge success in the movie, but I am grateful your head is back here full-time. And while I still think you and Matt are each as dumb as a sack of doorknobs, we're all pretty happy that you're at least speaking to each other.

Matt Albie:
She knows which side her bread is buttered on.

Harriet Hayes:
[With an accent] I'll butter your head jackass.

Matt Albie:
Isn't it possible that Mary got pregnant by another man, and Joseph stepped up so his wife wouldn't get stoned to death by the village?

Harriet Hayes:
No.

Matt Albie:
It's more likely that an angel inseminated her, and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead?

Harriet Hayes:
He's not David Copperfield!

Matt Albie:
Science is something you believe in, science has to be proven, or then not get to call it science

Harriet Hayes:
Wouldn't it be great if you knew something about Christians, before you start...

Matt Albie:
It's a fairy tail!

Harriet Hayes:
No, it's not

Matt Albie:
We've been having this fight for six months!

Harriet Hayes:
We've been having this fight for two years!

Matt Albie:
We have been having this fight in two different millennia, now!

Doctor:
Do you have a friend who can come down and just sit with you and help you relax?

Matt Albie:
Danny! Sorry we're late, but Racer X here was driving, and we hit a parking meter.

Harriet Hayes:
You kept shouting, "Turn left! Turn left!"

Matt Albie:
Yeah, at the street.

Danny Tripp:
These are the calming influences.

Doctor:
Okay. I'm gonna head back in.

Danny Tripp:
Right before she went in, I... I asked, I gave her the ring, she said yes.

Matt Albie:
Well, I hadn't finished writing the proposal.

Danny Tripp:
I know.

Matt Albie:
Which draft did you use?

Danny Tripp:
I didn't use any.

Matt Albie:
You... ad libbed?

Danny Tripp:
I had to.

Matt Albie:
I was working on this great marriage proposal for him!

Danny Tripp:
What did you want me to do?

Matt Albie:
The... the text! You can't just wing it!

Danny Tripp:
It worked!

Matt Albie:
Well, mine would've worked better!

Danny Tripp:
How?

Matt Albie:
She delivered the baby.

Andy Mackinaw:
She delivered the baby?

Cal Shanley:
Yeah.

Andy Mackinaw:
Two weeks early?

Matt Albie:
Yeah, but the baby's fine. Sixteen pounds, two ounces.

Andy Mackinaw:
SIXTEEN POUNDS?

Matt Albie:
Is that... not... normal?

Andy Mackinaw:
Did she give birth to a tuna fish?

Cal Shanley:
Mattie.

Matt Albie:
Yeah?

Cal Shanley:
SIX pounds.

Matt Albie:
Fifteen minutes goes by without me hearing from you, I'm driving over there with a police escort.

Danny Tripp:
Where are you getting a police escort from?

Matt Albie:
I will commit a crime and lead them in a high speed chase if I have to! I am NOT kidding around!

[in the hospital. Harriet is trying to cheer up Danny, after he got an update on the crititical situation of Jordan]

Harriet Hayes:
I'll give you two choices.

Harriet Hayes:
I can do more Holly Hunter.

Danny Trip:
Or?

Harriet Hayes:
I can teach you how to pray.

Danny Trip:
Teach me.

Harriet Hayes:
God always wins.

Danny Trip:
Nah, it's just... Your Holly Hunter is unbearable.

Harriet Hayes:
Whatever.

Jack Rudolph:
I need you.

Matt Albie:
Jack, my whole life I've been waiting to hear those words from you. Say them again, say them as if you...

Jack Rudolph:
Shut up!

Danny Tripp:
He wrote and recorded a treason jingle?

Harriet Hayes:
[Harriet and Danny are at the hospital chapel] Get down on your knees.

Danny Trip:
Really?

Harriet Hayes:
Yeah.

Danny Trip:
Why?

Harriet Hayes:
Respect.

Danny Trip:
See, this is my first speed bump. I would think if I were God, I wouldn't have any ego problems. I wouldn't need "Oh Lord, Creator of the Universe, Most Powerful and Merciful and... Handsome of all the Deities." There's a baby that's two weeks premature. Her mom can't stop bleeding. My friend and employee's brother is being held prisoner by medieval heroin dealers. If he needs 10 minutes of sucking up before he'll fix this, I don't wanna work with him.

Harriet Hayes:
The kneeling isn't for him, it's for you.

Danny Trip:
How is it for me?

Harriet Hayes:
It takes the average person in America 60 years to make what you make in a year. Takes the average person in the world 60 *lifetimes* to earn what you earn in a year. You have choices. Same is true for me, and the one thing that isn't handed to you on a silver platter is humility. So I like to begin each day on my knees and each day on my knees.

Danny Trip:
If he's everything you say he is, I shouldn't have to audition.

Harriet Hayes:
It's not an audition.

Danny Trip:
If he's real...

Harriet Hayes:
He is.

Danny Trip:
...and he loves me...

Harriet Hayes:
He does.

Danny Trip:
...why not just fix it?

Harriet Hayes:
I don't know. And I'm hoping it's going to be a long, long time before you get to ask him yourself. [pause] Get on your knees.

Danny Trip:
I wasn't handed anything on a platter. I'm who I am because my parents gave me opportunities. I'm who I am because I worked hard and got good grades. I got what I got because I went after a non-paying entry-level television internship and proved myself. I got what I got because I took *action.*

Harriet Hayes:
Are you a surgeon or a hematologist?

Danny Trip:
No.

Harriet Hayes:
Then what action can you take now?

Danny Trip:
[pause] I'm sorry. It... It feels wrong to be in this room. [exits]

Harriet Hayes:
[looking upwards] This isn't the time, but he... made some reasonably good points.

Danny Tripp:
At least I'm back on television.

Jordan McDeere:
You asked me out once, I said no. You asked me out again, I said no. You asked me out *again*, I said no.

Danny Tripp:
I'm sorry... I didn't mean to embarass you.

Jordan McDeere:
Would you please stop?

Danny Tripp:
[pause] No.

Matt Albie:
[believes Luke Scott is bidding on a date with Harriett for a Women United Through Faith online charity auction] Bid $501!

Suzanne:
Really?

Matt Albie:
Yes

Suzanne:
$501?

Matt Albie:
I am not giving these people any more money than I have to, bid $501!

Suzanne:
Any choice of user name?

Matt Albie:
Make something up.

Suzanne:
[typing] Boss... sexy.

Matt Albie:
NOT Boss Sexy!

Suzanne:
Ahh, too late!

Hallie Gallaway:
[Jordan's assistant has brought in breakfast] He got your order wrong.

Jordan McDeere:
No, this is what I eat while I wait for the food.

Matt Albie:
Suzanne! Where's the bid?

Tom Jeter:
You bidding on something?

Matt Albie:
Just for spite.

Matt Albie:
Lukes5858, is he still bidding?

Suzanne:
He's the last bid, $1200.

Matt Albie:
$1200 I gotta give to abstinence people?

Suzanne:
$1201?

Matt Albie:
[pause] Alright, do it. And can you find me some non-profit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do so I can donate an equal amount to them and make it a wash?

Suzanne:
That means an organization that encourages people to have sex.

Matt Albie:
It's L.A! You should be able to throw a rock and hit one!

Harriet Hayes:
I don't even know what the sides are in the culture wars.

Matt Albie:
Well, your side hates my side because you think we think you're stupid and my side hates your side because we think you're stupid.

Matt Albie:
It's one thing to be asked to respect someone else's religion, it's another to be asked to respect their taboos.

Matt Albie:
The second part doesn't excuse the first part; it only sounds like it does.

Jack Rudolph:
Hollywood isn't run by liberals, it's run by companies, and you can look for a pretty long time before finding a liberal on the board of directors of any of those companies.

Matt Albie:
Let me ask you something: How is my marriage, your marriage, or anyone else's marriage even marginally affected by the gay couple two doors down also getting married? And if it is, how does that become their problem?

Harriet Hayes:
You honestly think I'm a homophobe?

Matt Albie:
Yes, yes I do. And you know why? 'cause you are.

Harriet Hayes:
I said the bible says -

Matt Albie:
[sarcastically] Yeah, yeah.

Harriet Hayes:
Don't "yeah, yeah" me! And it seems to me that every Democrat on a ballot answers the same question by talking about civil unions and leaving it up to the states and not wanting to - ...

Matt Albie:
I don't need any reminding that my party is full to brimming with panderers and mediocrity.

Harriet Hayes:
What's wrong with civil unions? And why shouldn't we -

Matt Albie:
'Cause there's no way to get to the end of that sentence without saying that homosexual love is something less than heterosexual love and watching you trip all over it makes me want to hit you on the head with Liberace.

Matt Albie:
I'm Homophobic in the way that makes sense.

Jack Rudolph:
My company doesn't have honor? One of my guys spent the day in two different police stations because he came to the defense of a woman who was being verbally and physically abused! He could have been out of it easy if he played the "Support our Troops" card, but he wasn't about to minimize the sacrifice of his brother and his brother's buddies. Simon Styles has prior convictions, but with the Budweiser Clydesdales, you couldn't stop him from making it clear to a judge that this much marijuana was his. This guy? I don't know what the hell he was doing, except trying to convince me that Jordan McDeere has been all over the gossip pages because, when she was twenty-five, she married a fraction of a man. And this man has been telling tales, both true and false, in the hope of selling a book and working the talk shows. Sir, of Jordan McDeere's faults, and there are MANY, lack of honor is not among them. She's killing me with her honor! So, I'm sorry, Mr. Zhang, you have insulted me, and you have insulted my company, and I think you should take your business to Time-Warner.

Jack Rudolph:
My company doesn't have honor? One of my guys spent the day in two different police stations because he came to the defense of a woman who was being verbally and physically abused! He could have been out of it easy if he played the "Support our Troops" card, but he wasn't about to minimize the sacrifice of his brother and his brother's buddies. Simon Stiles has prior convictions, but with the Budweiser Clydesdales, you couldn't stop him from making it clear to a judge that this much marijuana was his. This guy? I don't know what the hell he was doing, except trying to convince me that Jordan McDeere has been all over the gossip pages because, when she was twenty-five, she married a fraction of a man. And this man has been telling tales, both true and false, in the hope of selling a book and working the talk shows. Sir, of Jordan McDeere's faults, and there are MANY, lack of honor is not among them. She's killing me with her honor! So, I'm sorry, Mr. Zhang, you have insulted me, and you have insulted my company, and I think you should take your business to Time-Warner.

[Jerry tells Wes to cut a sketch]

Wes Mendell:
Who's it gonna offend, huh? Tell me.

Jerry Jones:
Wes...

Wes Mendell:
Just give me the names.

Jerry Jones:
People who, religious people. God, Wes, and you knew that when you [stops short] - What do you want me to say to the fifty million people who are gonna go out of their minds as soon as it airs?

Wes Mendell:
First of all you tell them that we average nine million households, so that's at least 41 million who are full of crap. And the second, you can tell them that living where there's free speech means sometimes you get offended.

[last lines]

Danny Tripp:
What are you smiling about?

Matt Albie:
Nice studio. It's a great studio with an incredible history. The people who've had this stage...

Danny Tripp:
You like it?

Matt Albie:
Yeah.

Danny Tripp:
Good, 'cause we live here now.

Jordan McDeere:
Well, there are gonna be some horny psycho-religious cults tonight.

Wes Mendell:
This show used to be cutting-edge political and social satire, but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy-assed broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience. We were about to do a sketch you've seen already about five hundred times. Yeah, no one is going to confuse George Bush with George Plimpton. We get it. We're all being lobotomized by this country's most influential industry! It's just thrown in the towel on any endeavor to do anything that doesn't include the courting of twelve-year-old boys. Not even the smart twelve-year-olds - the stupid ones! The idiots - of which there are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network! So why don't you just change the channel? Turn off the TV. Do it right now. Go ahead.

[in the control booth]

Jerry:
Get the camera off of him!

Cal Shanley:
And put it on what?

Jerry:
Cut the boom mike then!

Cal Shanley:
It's his show! I take my instructions from him!

Wes Mendell:
[Wes is still talking]... struggle between art and commerce. Well there's always been a struggle between art and commerce, and now I'm telling you, art is getting it's ass kicked, and it's making us mean, and it's making us bitchy. It's making us cheap punks - that's not who we are! People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump?

Jerry:
Are you bleeping this out?

Tech:
He hasn't said anything you're not allowed to say.

Jerry:
He's telling people to change the channel!

Cal Shanley:
I don't think you have to worry about anybody changing the channel right now.

Jerry:
Get him off or you don't have a job tomorrow!

Cal Shanley:
I'm running a live national broadcast right, can you threaten me later?

Matt Albie:
The winds started blowing hard in another direction and all of a sudden my jokes weren't so funny anymore. You put a flag over the network bug, god forbid you should just loose the bug altogether, and you pointed us towards the door.

Matt Albie:
Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?

Jack Rudolph:
[long pause]... He failed a drug test?

Jordan McDeere:
Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Shoulda trusted me a little, Danny.

Matt Albie:
[to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.

Danny Tripp:
Yeah.

Matt Albie:
[to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now, but legitimately. I had back surgery Tuesday. L5 S1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? Yeah, you bet.

Tom Jeter:
[playing George W. Bush in a sketch] "Legacy" is a 480 SAT word which, as it turns out, does not mean a woman with nice legs.

Suzanne:
We're blowing off 4-A.

Lilly:
You're kidding.

Suzanne:
No.

Lilly:
It killed at Dress. It was smart!

Cal Shanley:
It never had a chance. What are we filling with?

Suzanne:
'Peripheral Vision Man.'

Cal Shanley:
Ricky and Ron are just going to keep writing that one until somebody laughs, huh? What was the time on 4-A?

Lilly:
4:10.

Cal Shanley:
What's the time on 'Peripheral Vision Man'?

Lilly:
3:45.

Cal Shanley:
All right, tell the writer's room they're going to have to strecth it another twenty-five seconds, and I'm sure that making it longer was the missing ingredient in making it funny.

Danny Tripp:
They broke up.

Julie:
Oh no! Why?

Danny Tripp:
Because he couldn't stop himself from speaking.

Matt Albie:
I was right, she was wrong, I'm all about the truth, partner.

Matt Albie:
I'm the only sane person I know.

Danny Tripp:
Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I was...

Matt Albie:
Forget that. But it's going to be our show now, and only one of use can screw up at a time. And I think we both know that most of the time it's going to be me. You're the big shoulders.

Danny Tripp:
I hear you.

Matt Albie:
Good. Because I don't remember what I just said.

Danny Tripp:
I do.

Matt Albie:
But it's gonna be our show now, and only one of us can screw up at a time and I think that we both know that most of the time, it's gonna be me. You're the big shoulders.

Danny Tripp:
I hear you.

Matt Albie:
Good, cause I don't remember what I just said.

Danny Tripp:
I do.

Danny Tripp:
Matt, you can get another director. You can get someone good.

Matt Albie:
I don't want someone else. I want you.

Danny Tripp:
The joke was "I don't want someone good, I want you."

Harriet Hayes:
First of all, could you stop telling people we broke up because of the national anthem? It makes me sound like an idiot.

Matt Albie:
Actually, the consensus is it makes me sound like an idiot.

Harriet Hayes:
Well, be that as it may and truer words were never spoke, please stop it.

Harriet Hayes:
You know what, rook? When you start making a contribution to this show, you can talk to me any way you want. But you had two lines tonight and you stepped on one of them. So until you either accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or make somebody laugh, why don't you talk to somebody else?

Matt Albie:
Okay, look, wait. I'll bond you.

Danny Tripp:
What?

Matt Albie:
I'll pay for the bond!

Danny Tripp:
How much money do you have?

Matt Albie:
Well... with my savings, and investments, and my percentage of the first dollar gross in this movie... sixty-five dollars.

Danny Tripp:
Vancouver doesn't look like anything. It doesn't even look like Vancouver. It looks like Boston, California.

Matt Albie:
Are they swinging this thing in front of your face?

Danny Tripp:
The point is, the new movie...

Matt Albie:
Sons of b*tches! [takes off running]

Danny Tripp:
- does not have to - Matt? Matt!

Cal Shanley:
I faced off with Standards during a live broadcast, Harry. The guys I know who've done that feel lucky when they can get a job directing "Good Morning El Paso".

Wes Mendell:
[going onstage in the middle of a sketch] Listen, fellas, we're going to stop that.

Tom Jeter:
Did we lose the feed?

Wes Mendell:
No, we're live. I want both of you to clear the stage - I don't want anyone to think that you were a part of this.

[Audience laughs]

Wes Mendell:
Clear the stage. Go on.

Cal Shanley:
[Audience still laughing]

Wes Mendell:
Uh, it's not going to be a very good show tonight. I think you should change the channel.

Cal Shanley:
[in the control booth]

Lilly:
What the hell?

Wes Mendell:
Change the channel. Right now.

Control Room Assistant:
When did they put this in?

Lilly:
Does anyone know what the hell is going on?

Wes Mendell:
Better yet, turn off the TV, okay?

Cal Shanley:
[Audience laughs]

Wes Mendell:
No, no, I know like it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but tomorrow, tomorrow you're going to find out that it wasn't, and by that time I'll have been fired.

[Audience laughs]

Wes Mendell:
No, this - this is not supposed - this is not a sketch!

Cal Shanley:
[over the radio] Uh, this is real.

Wes Mendell:
We're eating worms for money. Who wants to screw my sister? Guys are getting killed in a war that's got theme music and a logo? That remote in your hands is a crack pipe. Oh, yeah, every once in a while we pretend to be appalled...

Jerry:
[in the booth]

Jerry:
Cal!

Cal Shanley:
I'm waiting for him to say something that isn't true.

Jerry:
Who else in here knows how to do this?

Cal Shanley:
Don't talk to my control room!

Jerry:
Get him off!

Lilly:
[aside] You have two kids in school.

Cal Shanley:
What?

Jerry:
She said you have two kids in private school whose father is about five seconds away from never working again.

Wes Mendell:
America's broadcasters have turned into pornographers. It's not even good pornography! It's just this side of snuff films. And friends, that's what's next.

Lilly:
Cal, come on...

Wes Mendell:
...And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho religious cult that gets positively horny at the mention of a boycot. These are the people they're afraid of...

Cal Shanley:
All right, stand by...

Wes Mendell:
- feckless, off-the-chocks greed-filled whorehouse...

Jerry:
There is is!

Wes Mendell:
- this thoroughly unpatriotic motherf...

Cal Shanley:
Cut in now!

Jack Rudolph:
Wesley?

Wes Mendell:
Yeah?

Jack Rudolph:
You're fired.

Wes Mendell:
No kidding.

Matt Albie:
[after falling] Sorry. That was strange. I'm sorry.

Danny Tripp:
You all right?

Matt Albie:
Yeah. I'm on some medication right now that I guess makes me... not know where chairs are.

Danny Tripp:
I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.

Jordan McDeere:
Why?

Danny Tripp:
You work in television.

Matt Albie:
The woman I broke up with is a cast member and it would be awkward if I went to the party and... killed her in front of all those people.

Harriet Hayes:
What went on in the control room?

Cal Shanley:
[sighs] We got word the sketch was cut. Next thing I knew Wes was up on stage, Standards blew into the room, and I waited 53 seconds before I pulled the plug.

Harriet Hayes:
There had to be a lot of confusion - it's not like there are rules or procedures for this kind of thing.

Cal Shanley:
No, there are strict rules and procedures for this kind of thing, I just didn't follow any of them.

Jack Rudolph:
Do you think television is bad?

Danny Tripp:
Why do you ask?

Jack Rudolph:
Because that's what you'll be asked by the press.

Danny Tripp:
No - I think "My Mother the Car" was bad. I think this is something else.

Jack Rudolph:
There's gonna be a press conference at noon on Monday announcing that you two are running "Studio 60". I know I can count on you to answer questions in a way that doesn't embarass the National Broadcasting System. Will that be hard for you?

Matt Albie:
I wouldn't think it'd be hard for anybody, cause if you pointed a camera at two people masturbating it'd be among the least embarassing things on the National Broadcasting System. I'll tell Blair to start working on the deal.

Jordan McDeere:
I've already got a dual masturbation show in active development, so...

Harriet Hayes:
I was great, by the way. I got a standing ovation.

Matt Albie:
Harry, I'm sure you were great, but it's the national anthem. They were standing already.

Matt Albie:
Thanks, man. I miss her. I really do. I'm dying inside, and I appreciate your support.

Danny Tripp:
Matt.

Matt Albie:
Yeah?

Danny Tripp:
Go up on the stage now.

Matt Albie:
Why?

Danny Tripp:
You just won.

Matt Albie:
Really?

Danny Tripp:
Yeah.

Matt Albie:
Hey, that's great!

Cal Shanley:
I'm sorry about Matt. I'm a big fan of his, and I like him a lot.

Harriet Hayes:
I'm a big fan of his, and I hate his breathing guts.

Matt Albie:
Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now, but legitimately. I had back surgery Tuesday. L5 S1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? Yeah, you bet.

Danny Tripp:
[speaking about Jordan McDeere] You gotta give her style points.

Matt Albie:
Yeah.

Danny Tripp:
And you gotta ask yourself...

Matt Albie:
What?

Danny Tripp:
What if she's for real?

Matt Albie:
[smiles] Yeah.

Danny Tripp:
You left him on for 53 seconds.

Cal Shanley:
Yeah

Danny Tripp:
What the hell, Cal? You practice that. It's live air. Tell you what. I don't think it was an accident. I think you left him on.

Cal Shanley:
I did. And you guys do what you gotta do here. There won't be any hard feelings.

Danny Tripp:
We need you to stay.

Cal Shanley:
[chuckles]

Danny Tripp:
All right then. [pause] Cal? If you'd left him on for 54 seconds, I'd have given you a raise.

Matt Albie:
How did it know?

Danny Tripp:
How did it know what?

Matt Albie:
Exactly how much time was left in the week?

Danny Tripp:
Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven.

Matt Albie:
But it was off.

Danny Tripp:
It has a battery.

Matt Albie:
[in horror] So it always knows?

Danny Tripp:
Don't endow the thing with special powers, Matt - it's a clock.

Danny Tripp:
We're having a baby?

Jordan McDeere:
I'M having a baby.

Danny Tripp:
Relax, you'll be involved.

Danny Tripp:
It says here that you're going to have to make a journey of 1200 miles to bury your eggs in the warm mud.

Jordan McDeere:
Danny?

Danny Tripp:
Wait, that can't be you.

Jordan McDeere:
No.

Danny Tripp:
It's an Alaskan King Crab that has to do that.

Danny Tripp:
Was sleeping with him for that information really worth it?

Jordan McDeere:
I didn't sleep with him for the information, he gave me the information so that he could sleep with me.

Danny Tripp:
Still, integrity all over the place.

Jordan McDeere:
This is time for a lecture?

Danny Tripp:
No, that was about twelve weeks ago. By the way, did you and the Last Honest Man get loaded on Jagermeister and forget that there's like 500 different types of birth control?

Tom Jeter:
Aren't you, like, a hundred years old?

Simon Stiles:
Aren't you only marginally talented?

Tom Jeter:
Simon, tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school?

Simon Stiles:
Ok cool, why don't you tell her about the time everybody thought you were GAY in high school?

Danny Tripp:
[to Jordan] Can I talk to you a second? I've been married twice before, and am a recovering cocaine addict, and I know that's no woman's dream of a man, or of a father; nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand, but you'd better get a head start 'cause I'm coming for you Jordan. You should go ahead and chew that sandwich.

Matt Albie:
How come I'm Jewish and I'm the only one with the Christmas spirit? Come to think of it how come I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room?

Tom Jeter:
You see, I'm an astronomy buff...

Simon Stiles:
...Loser. The word is Loser.

Danny Tripp:
At 12 weeks a baby should be about 2 inches in length and way less than an ounce. [pause] If you're under 35...

Jordan McDeere:
I'm under 35.

Danny Tripp:
[puts down magazine] This is no time for vanity.

Jordan McDeere:
I'm under 35.

Danny Tripp:
I've been married twice before, and I'm a recovering cocaine addict, and I know that's no woman's dream of a man, or a father. Nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand, but you better get a good head start because I'm coming for you, Jordan

Matt Albie:
Hang on, I've got a note for you from dress. [pulls Harriet around the corner and kisses her] [pulls notebook from his pocket] Use your downstage hand to reach for the glass in Nancy Grace.

Simon Stiles:
[after Matt kisses Harriet] I'm Simon Stiles.

Harriet Hayes:
And I'm Matt. Harriet. I'm Harriet Hayes.

Matt Albie:
I'm the miracle on the Sunset Strip. And you're, you know, two other guys.

[trying to figure out how to make snow]

Cal Shanley:
Shaved coconuts!

Matt Albie:
Perfect! And they're indigenous to LA.

Danny Tripp:
No, they're not.

Matt Albie:
They grow on palm trees!

Danny Tripp:
Not ours.

Matt Albie:
What do ours do?

Danny Tripp:
Nothing.

Matt Albie:
This city needs me.

Jordan McDeere:
[to secretary] How's his mood?

Jack Rudolph:
[off-screen] Son of a holy b*tch!

Jordan McDeere:
Never mind.

Simon Stiles:
What do you need?

Matt Albie:
Any Christmas ideas you might have.

Tom Jeter:
There is no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.

Simon Stiles:
Jesus was from north Africa.

Matt Albie:
Danny? You're caring more about other people than you usually do.

Danny Tripp:
You're the one who just said, 'What's she gonna do about the upfronts?'.

Matt Albie:
Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head.

Danny Tripp:
So was mine.

Matt Albie:
No, it wasn't. It was genuine interest.

Danny Tripp:
Look, in case you haven't noticed, she's doing a good job.

Matt Albie:
And there you just defended her.

Danny Tripp:
What's wrong with that?

Matt Albie:
For starters, no one's attacking her.

Danny Tripp:
Go write!

Matt Albie:
Okay.

[Matt leaves, Danny slams his hand on the desk, Matt returns]

Matt Albie:
What?

Danny Tripp:
Nothing.

Matt Albie:
Say it. Just say it out loud!

[looking at a plastic Santa Claus with his right hand raised]

Matt Albie:
What's he doing?

Cal Shanley:
There are gonna be reindeer up in the balcony; he's waving at them.

Matt Albie:
He's giving the Nazi salute!

Cal Shanley:
Nah, he's waving at the reindeer.

Matt Albie:
Why wouldn't the reindeer be with him?

Cal Shanley:
Well, when you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt...

Matt Albie:
Alright, let's set logistics aside. He's saying, "Heil, Hitler."

Cal Shanley:
I think you're reading too much into it.

Matt Albie:
He's giving the Nazi salute.

Cal Shanley:
[pause] Well, now that you've said it, that's all I can see.

Matt Albie:
It's all anybody can see.

Cal Shanley:
He's got the crazy eyes too, doesn't he?

Matt Albie:
Yeah.

Cal Shanley:
LET'S GET RID OF DEMENTED SANTA CLAUS!

Matt Albie:
You were right, you know?

Danny Tripp:
About what?

Matt Albie:
We do live here now.

Danny Tripp:
Merry Christmas.

Matt Albie:
Merry Christmas.

Matt Albie:
How is it that I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room?

Matt Albie:
What the heck happened to my tree?

Suzanne:
I was drying my socks.

Matt Albie:
[Matt has brought a small, misshapen Christmas tree into the writer's room] That happens to be a noble fir, they grow to 10 feet tall.

Darius Hawthorne:
Yeah, I don't think that one's gonna make it.

Matt Albie:
Screw Christmas? Not on my watch! Look, I hate Los Angeles like everybody else but I have to work here 'cause in any other part of the country I'm unemployable so we are going to deck the halls with boughs of holly. I wanna hear sketch ideas with Santa and Rudolph and chestnuts and burning logs.

Darius Hawthorne:
We could set the...

Matt Albie:
Shut up!

Danny Tripp:
Why won't you tell me who the father is?

Jordan McDeere:
You don't know him.

Danny Tripp:
I don't want to know him.

Jordan McDeere:
How do you know?

Danny Tripp:
Cause if he was someone I wanted to know he'd be here.

Jordan McDeere:
[pause] What makes you think I told him?

Danny Tripp:
Cause I do know you.

Matt Albie:
They calculated the number of homes with children and the average weight of two presents per child.

Danny Tripp:
What'd they come up with?

Matt Albie:
He'd [Santa] need 214,200 reindeer pulling a sled weighing 321,000 tons at 3000 times the speed of sound.

Matt Albie:
Was there something you came to see me about?

Danny Tripp:
Yes.

Matt Albie:
What?

Danny Tripp:
We don't need to do it now, but at some point I'm going to need you to level with me about Harriet. I need to know how big of a problem it's going to be.

Matt Albie:
It's not going to be a problem at all.

Danny Tripp:
It will if you are still in love with her.

Matt Albie:
I'm not. I'm not. Danny, I love her talent. The woman's got millions of fans but there are maybe fifty guys in town who know how good she is and we're two of them. I admire her. I'm knocked out by her talent. And I like it when she makes me laugh, and I like making her laugh, which isn't easy to do, so it's gratifying. She's undeniably sexy. I like it when she smiles at me, and a couple of other things, but that's it.

Danny Tripp:
Oh my God, we are so screwed.

Matt Albie:
I know.

Danny Tripp:
It' gonna be a problem if you're in love with her.

Matt Albie:
I'm not. [sees Danny's disbelieving stare] I'm not!

Matt Albie:
[at a writers' meeting] What are you all wearing? I'm not Blackwell or anything, but holy cow, what the hell are you guys wearing? One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school.

Ron Tahoe:
It's a comedy, Matt.

Matt Albie:
Not yet it's not, and until it is, we're all gonna act professionally. You understand? We're gonna act, dress, talk, write, and behave professionally!

Harriet Hayes:
[storms into the room, shouting at Matt] You are an adolescent, oversexed whoremonger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!

Matt Albie:
And all that will begin in just a few minutes.

Matt Albie:
You know this thing is all over talk radio?

Danny Tripp:
What did you expect?

Matt Albie:
A caller from Taluca Lake called us Barbara Streisand loving, Michael Moore worshiping jackasses.

Danny Tripp:
Well, what have I always told you about listening to show tunes?

Matt Albie:
Don't do it.

Danny Tripp:
Don't do it.

Jack Rudolph:
The Rapture's what I think it is, right? The world comes to an end - believers go up in a spaceship?

Jordan McDeere:
It's not a spaceship; it's Jesus Christ.

Matt Albie:
What happens to the non-believers?

Jordan McDeere:
You get thrown down into a fiery pit.

Matt Albie:
Can we just do that now?

[Danny turns on the countdown clock]

Matt Albie:
How did it know?

Danny Tripp:
How did it know what?

Matt Albie:
Exactly how much time was left in the week.

Danny Tripp:
Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven.

Matt Albie:
But it was off.

Danny Tripp:
It has a battery.

Matt Albie:
[in horror] So it always knows?

Danny Tripp:
Don't endow the thing with special powers Matt - it's a clock.

Tom Jeter:
[on bloggers] I'm a fan of credentials. It's like we've all spent the last five years living in a Roger Corman film called "Revenge Of The Hack."

Matt Albie:
You broke up with me, Harry... and if you don't believe me, I have a copy of the e-mail. Yeah, she did it by e-mail, ladies and germs! I've got a copy of the e-mail on my hard-drive and another one in a safe deposit box at City National.

Harriet Hayes:
That's funny, 'cause I keep all your things nicely stored on a garbage scow off Catalina.

Matt Albie:
Right, so can I go date a woman who doesn't?

Harriet Hayes:
Well, that population's gettin' pretty thin...

Matt Albie:
Look...

Harriet Hayes:
Bad enough I have to read about you with Mena Suvari...

Matt Albie:
That was...

Harriet Hayes:
...Fiona Apple, Rachel McAdams, Marlo Thomas...

Matt Albie:
You think I've been dating Marlo Thomas?

Harriet Hayes:
Who the hell knows what you do, you addle-minded pervert!

Matt Albie:
Marlo's married to Phil Donahue, who can still beat the crap out of me any time he wants.

Harriet Hayes:
Thank God!

Matt Albie:
Seriously, he's a huge Irish man!

Harriet Hayes:
I'm too tired for this.

[Harriet begins to walk away, Matt follows her]

Matt Albie:
I never dated any of those people.

Harriet Hayes:
Page Six said you did.

Matt Albie:
Oh well then, you've got me, because if Page Six said it, then it must be true. Did you get hard confirmation from The Drudge Report?

[Matt looks at the episode schedule which only has the White Stripes' performances on it]

Matt Albie:
Can the White Stripes play for an hour and a half?

Danny Tripp:
Jack White's got acute tonsillitis. They can't play at all. Jane's working on it.

Matt Albie:
Okay.

[Matt takes down the cards with the White Stripes' performances, then looks at the completely empty schedule]

Matt Albie:
Yeah, that's better.

Jordan McDeere:
[after being told that one of the NBS affiliates has received multiple calls from people offended by what they had heard would be on one of the show sketches] Have any of these people ever watched the show? And if they don't like it, can someone go over to their houses and teach them how to change a channel?

Matt Albie:
Wait a second. The caller from Taluca Lake, was she calling us Hollywood liberals or was she calling us gay?

Danny Tripp:
It's a pretty fine distinction.

Danny Tripp:
Stick around, okay? And when we're done, I need to choke you to death.

Jordan McDeere:
You bet.

Matt Albie:
Guys, you've got it all wrong. I don't want to get too personal, but the first time Jack and I made love, it was incredible.

Danny Tripp:
I've been watching you all this week, and, I gotta tell you, I love what I see. Matt?

Matt Albie:
The audience was standing out in the heat for a pretty long time. People don't laugh as much when they're hot cause they're sticky and uncomfortable.

Danny Tripp:
Alright! Good pep talk!

Jordan McDeere:
If the ratings go up, the sponsors who dropped out? We'll welcome them back in... at 120% of the cost of the original add buy. We're going to be the first network to charge a coward fee.

Harriet Hayes:
I have an active imagination Matthew. I'm paid a lot of money for it. And you had to know I was going to find out. So now I have THIS in my imagination. That's just mean.

Cal Shanley:
Can we determine if there actually is a bomb in the building?

Jack Rudolph:
I trust them, but just in case why don't we handcuff them to the building overnight

Harriet Hayes:
New legislation in Wyoming will allow bear hunters to carry automatic weapons with silencers. When asked to comment, a bear said, "RAAAAAAAAAWR!".

Jordan McDeere:
Since when did Democrat or Republican become a demographic distinction we care about in the entertainment industry?

Jack Rudolph:
Since the first plane took a left turn and gunned its engines into the North Tower, kitten.

[the power goes out in the studio during rehearsal of a sketch called "Science, Schmience"]

Matt Albie:
Harriet, you say a word, any word at all about God not liking to be mocked...

Harriet Hayes:
[quoting Holly Hunter in "Broadcast News"] You know what? I think *you're* the Devil!

Jack Rudolph:
Thieves get rich, and Saints get shot, and God don't answer prayers a lot.

Ricky Tahoe:
Do you think there's any chance you might come down off your high horse and stop being pissed at us for something that happened four years ago and work with us?

Matt Albie:
Not a big chance, no.

Ricky Tahoe:
Do you want us to quit?

Matt Albie:
Badly. Do you think it's gonna happen?

Ricky Tahoe:
Not a big chance, no.

Ricky Tahoe:
Can we cut to the chase?

Danny Tripp:
Yeah! If it were up to me, we'd even cut the chase.

Ricky Tahoe:
What problem do the two of you have with the two of us and when is it gonna stop?

Danny Tripp:
Whoa... whoa. First of all, Matt and I are two separate people. Don't paint us with the same brush. Matt has a problem with you. I'm completely indifferent towards you.

Ricky Tahoe:
Was that supposed to be funny?

Danny Tripp:
Guys, I've gotta get back in there.

Ricky Tahoe:
Danny...

Danny Tripp:
Bill Maher. He made a politically incorrect observation on his own show, helpfully titled Politically Incorrect, and the sky fell down on him. Matt was one of the first guys to take up his side and so the sky fell down on him. And when AP asked you for a reaction quote, do you remember what you said?

Ricky Tahoe:
It was more than four years ago, Danny. I have no earthly idea what I said.

Ron Oswald:
I do.

Ricky Tahoe:
Ron...

Ron Oswald:
You said, "Matt Albie certainly doesn't speak for the cast, crew and staff of Studio 60, whose thoughts and prayers are with the brave men and women who lost their lives on September 11th."

Danny Tripp:
See? He got it word-for-word. Were Matt's thoughts and prayers *not* with the brave men and women who lost their lives on September 11th?

Ricky Tahoe:
It was 9/11! Everyone was out of their friggin' minds, and by the way... I'm the one pushing the Bush sketches!

Danny Tripp:
Yeah, I'd imagine now that the President's approval rating is seven guys in Tupelo, Mississippi, the water feels a little safer. Anyway, you asked the question, so...

Ricky Tahoe:
And how long is this gonna go on?

Danny Tripp:
That's entirely up to him.

Ricky Tahoe:
He needs us, and you know it too! Nobody can write ninety minutes of television every week by themselves. He'll be dead by his sixth show.

Danny Tripp:
And when that happens, I'm sure you'll be ready to take his job.

Matt Albie:
Tell me the truth. You've talked to them, tell me the truth. How important is audience retention tonight?

Danny Tripp:
It's important, Matt! We can't lose more than ten percent, what do you think? The sponsors, the affiliates, the press, the Right, our job, Jordan's job, everybody's job, it's important!

Matt Albie:
Alright, lie to me next time.

Danny Tripp:
That's what I'm saying...

[On the set of News 60]

Simon Stiles:
Roseanne Barr is releasing an album for children. We don't have a joke here, we just mention this as a public service warning to parents.

Jordan McDeere:
I'm sorry about the stupid thing I said in your office... about the drugs.

Danny Tripp:
Thirty-thousand died in car fatalities last year. Seventeen-thousand of them weren't wearing seatbelts.

Jordan McDeere:
What does that have to do with anything?

Danny Tripp:
No, it's just you read it all the time. Two guys in a car, one wearing a seatbelt, the other one isn't, they're doing sixty down Mulholland, they blow into a telephone poll, the guy wearing the seatbelt's got two bruised ribs, a cut on his forehead, and the guy without the seatbelt gets decapitated.

Jordan McDeere:
[referring to the time she was arrested on DUI charges] I was wearing a seatbelt.

Danny Tripp:
I'm sure you were, I'm just not as sure that everyone else on the Long Island Expressway was. When I put a life in danger, it's my own.

Danny Tripp:
[to Jordan] You know, you look like one of them, but you talk like one of us.

Danny Tripp:
They wanna see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they're getting their wish.

Matt Albie:
It's four years ago, all over again.

Danny Tripp:
What did you think it was gonna be?

Matt Albie:
Four years later, and by the way I'd be happy to take shots at the Democrats if one of them would say or do something!

Cal Shanley:
A transformer's out, something fell on a power line.

Danny Tripp:
Are they fixing it?

Cal Shanley:
In a manner of speaking.

Danny Tripp:
What does that mean?

Cal Shanley:
They don't know how to fix it.

Danny Tripp:
[pause] How much do I want to know about this?

Cal Shanley:
As little as possible.

Harriet Hayes:
[in a thick Southern twang] Matt, I can do the witch as Holly Hunter if you want.

Matt Albie:
I don't.

Harriet Hayes:
[still in a southern twang] Would you like it if I spent the rest of the day talking to you as Holly Hunter?

Matt Albie:
Not at all.

Harriet Hayes:
[still doing Holly Hunter] It's hard for me to jibe with you since you have personified something which I truly think is dangerous.

Matt Albie:
Stop now.

Matt Albie:
[Tackling Danny, knocking him to the ground] I'm three years younger and I'm faster than you, old man.

Danny Tripp:
[Flipping Matt over, pinning him] Three years older and I'm stronger than you, little boy.

[Danny has Matt pinned under him, on the beach]

Matt Albie:
Are people looking at us right now?

Danny Tripp:
I think they are.

Matt Albie:
Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a causal observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.

Matt Albie:
It's an acquired taste, but once you acquire it, it's like barrel-smoked whiskey.

Danny Tripp:
What's that?

Matt Albie:
I don't know, I think I might have made it up. What gets smoked in barrels?

Danny Tripp:
Scotch.

Matt Albie:
Scotch *is* whiskey. It's scotch whiskey.

Jeannie Whatley:
[Matt and Danny have been walking along, ignoring Jeannie calling to them] IDIOT boys!

Danny Tripp:
[they stop] [to Matt] Is she talking to us?

Matt Albie:
Yep.

Danny Tripp:
Commit to it. You're gonna feel a strong instinct to make it bigger. Fight that with everything you got. No comedian you admire has ever been afraid of silence.

Matt Albie:
[after Harriet throws up a fit over Matt's alleged affair with one of her co-workers] What is your problem with me? That after you broke up with me, I went out with somebody else? That's what almost always happens!

Harriet Hayes:
Not someone from where I work! There are 17 strip clubs within a 3 block radius of this place for you. Not someone from my show!

Matt Albie:
It's not *your* show, it's *mine". And there are only 5 strip clubs with a 3 block radius. I spent my 20s in this theater.

Matt Albie:
[bidding on a date with Harriet that supports abstinence groups] Bid $5301!

Suzanne:
And $5302 for the sex club?

Matt Albie:
It's not a sex club, it's a group that supports polyamourous sexual activity with multiple partners... not sure what that is, but I'm pretty sure it upsets the abstinence people.

Suzanne:
They want to give you an award at their next dinner. [pause] I should tell them no?

Matt Albie:
Meh, an award's an award.

Matt Albie:
For the record, I like seeing you this way.

Danny Tripp:
In pain?

Matt Albie:
No, you know, I don't know.

Tom Jeter:
We have to stop giving her the Prairie Oyster, turns out we could kill this lunatic girl dead.

Jack Rudolph:
[pause] Tom, Meet Kim's parents.

Tom Jeter:
[turns around, sees Zhang and his wife] [long pause] Lunatic girl is an idiom in our language, meaning -

Jack Rudolph:
Get out.

Tom Jeter:
I didn't think you'd be there. That's the truth. You look beautiful tonight. That's also the truth. Now will you go out with me this Saturday night?

Lucy Kenwright:
No.

Tom Jeter:
[smiles sadly] All right. Then that's that.

Lucy Kenwright:
[as Tom goes to walk away] I'll go out with you Sunday night.

Tom Jeter:
That was nice, you did a little switch.

Lucy Kenwright:
Tom?

Tom Jeter:
Yes ma'am?

Lucy Kenwright:
A prairie oyster's for a hangover, you drink one when you're drunk, you're just gonna get drunker.

Tom Jeter:
I have to go right now, but I'm looking forward to Saturday night.

Lucy Kenwright:
Sunday night.

Tom Jeter:
Sunday night.

Zhang Tao:
I pretend not to know English.

Jack Rudolph:
Why?

Zhang Tao:
[very solemn] It's fun.

Jack Rudolph:
Well, yeah, I guess it would be.

Martha O'Dell:
How are you different from your mother?

Harriet Hayes:
I hope in as few ways as possible.

Martha O'Dell:
Would you have a problem doing a sketch about pre-marital sex?

Harriet Hayes:
I don't even have a problem HAVING pre-marital sex!

Jordan McDeere:
I think we should all take a moment and consider the suffering in Des Moines...

Jordan McDeere:
What did you end up deciding with Harriet and the concerts?

Matt Albie:
I told her it was up to her but they ended up telling her they didn't want her.

Jordan McDeere:
Oh, you're kidding?

Matt Albie:
No.

Danny Tripp:
What was this?

Matt Albie:
Harriet was scheduled to appear in a bunch of concerts around the country on Monday nights for a group called Women United Through Faith. She's been active in the group since she was little.

Danny Tripp:
They didn't like her quote?

Matt Albie:
They felt she seemed to be endorsing gay marriage and that this "wasn't the right time." She's also going to get slammed by Out Magazine for seeming to be against gay marriage. I really think it takes a special kind of rhetorical talent to say something thats draws an admonition from both of those groups at the same time.

Tom Jeter:
None of this...

Harriet Hayes:
I understand!

Tom Jeter:
Just to be clear...

Harriet Hayes:
You're clear!

Tom Jeter:
None of this should do anything to take away from the fact that we are in favor of women in their underwear.

Harriet Hayes:
I know!

Simon Stiles:
True story!

Tom Jeter:
We are pro female nudity, that can't be said enough times.

Harriet Hayes:
You're testing that theory, but again... I understand.

Harriet Hayes:
[referring to her upcoming bare-all photo-shoot] What do you think?

Matt Albie:
Me?

Harriet Hayes:
Yeah.

Matt Albie:
I think if you want to put on La Perla and pose for a great photographer then its Christmas morning for me.

Harriet Hayes:
Thank you.

Matt Albie:
But you don't want to.

Lucy Kenwright:
[finishing typing the script] I'm finished.

Ricky Tahoe:
It's done?

Lucy Kenwright:
I meant with my career.

Ricky Tahoe:
That's just not true. [pause] Plus, if things don't work out for you here, you can always go back and write for Benny Hill

Lucy Kenwright:
Bite me.

Ricky Tahoe:
Give me a kiss.

Lucy Kenwright:
I don't think so.

Matt Albie:
[walking into the room] Hi.

[Lucy walks over to Matt and kisses him full on the mouth]

Lucy Kenwright:
[to Ricky] That was to be mean to you. Goodbye! [exits, Darius behind]

Matt Albie:
[to Darius] You just keep on walking!

Darius Hawthorne:
Yes sir!

Harriet Hayes:
I should have joined the CIA. THEY wanted me...

Harriet Hayes:
Young girls look up to me Matt. You know, the same way young boys don't care about you at all.

Danny Tripp:
Okay, people, just like we did it three hours ago. Only, you know, legal.

Matt Albie:
[explaining why he thought him and Harriet, a devout Christian, were not right for each other] She believes the world was created in 6 days. And that's not even among the Top 3 reasons we're not together!

Matt Albie:
It's not hard to be big. Let's see him make the Dean's List eight semesters in a row as a contemporary dramatic lit major.

Simon Stiles:
[about Darren Wells] Fairy.

Matt Albie:
What the hell kind of a mind works on a Juliette Lewis impression?

Danny Tripp:
The same kind of mind that takes it and puts it in Tim Russert's chair.

[last lines]

Danny Tripp:
We own the copyright? [Matt and Danny smile, and turn to Simon and Harriet at the desk]

Simon Stiles:
No!

Danny Tripp:
Yep, just one more time! Get me Cally, get Jordan a drink, and send Jack Rudolph a nice thing of balloons

Simon Stiles:
Matt, anything in particular you want me to say to anyone who might still be watching?

[Matt scribbles on Simon's cue sheet]

Simon Stiles:
[reading Matt's writing, and sighing] This is not the comedy we intended to do when the week began.

Suzanne:
Ms. McDeer, Jack Rudolph on the phone.

Jordan McDeere:
[taking the phone] My boyfriend's calling me. [to phone] Hey Jack!

Jack Rudolph:
What the hell is going on over there?

Jordan McDeere:
It's all under control, plus if you had any money on the Bangalore Union Cricket club, then its your lucky day.

Jordan McDeere:
[after completing the first live feed to the west coast] Alright, that worked! That was a nice piece of broadcasting, that was great, that was smooth-sailing.

Cal Shanley:
Yeah. [yelling] We're going again!

Jordan McDeere:
Why?

Cal Shanley:
We attributed the material to the wrong guy, but the problem is this will throw our time off so we have to pace and fill as we go now. I'd get comfortable!

Jordan McDeere:
[pause] When the phone rings, it going to be for me.

Danny Tripp:
Seven second delay.

Cal Shanley:
Yeah?

Danny Tripp:
How does the math work? We add 7 seconds?

Cal Shanley:
We subtract 7 seconds.

Danny Tripp:
We add it.

Cal Shanley:
We subtract it.

Danny Tripp:
The tape broadcast happens seven seconds later in the West than it did live in the East.

Cal Shanley:
That's why you subtract seven seconds.

Danny Tripp:
You don't add it?

Jordan McDeere:
Oh, and this has me bathed in confidence.

Danny Tripp:
We're fine. I'm going to go have a conversation with Ricky and Ron.

Jordan McDeere:
Is this going to work?

Cal Shanley:
Sure.

Jordan McDeere:
You've done it before?

Cal Shanley:
A hundred times. Well, really? No, never, but I can't think what the problem would be.

Jordan McDeere:
Sure, what could possibly go wrong?

Cal Shanley:
There you go.

Matt Albie:
Maybe he just needs

Simon Stiles:
What HE needs is a bottle of Colt 45 and a bucket of fried chicken, Matt.

Matt Albie:
It wasn't that bad.

Simon Stiles:
DON'T patronize me!

Simon Stiles:
I'm livin' in a new house now. You haven't been there. I'm up in the hills, near the Hollywood sign, and from my pool I can see South Central. I saw a murder up close when I was fifteen. Three guys shot a friend of ours 'bout ten times in the chest with 38s. You know it doesn't look like it does in the movies. Ask a homicide cop. It ain't poetry in motion, it's... everything inside comes outta every part of you. Anyway, we spent the next day planning how we were gonna kill these guys who did it. And when it was time, the leader of the guys I ran with, a guy named Donnell, turned to me and said, "You're not going." I said, "Like hell I'm not goin'." He said, "You're not going. You go, and I'll kill you first." Those guys are all doing consecutive life sentences, no chance of parole. They weren't charged as juveniles. Donnell is in a Federal Maximum Security Facility in Minnesota. Every month, I send him the only things I'm allowed to send him, cigarettes and stamps. I can see it from my pool, Matt. And if I don't reach in there and grab as many of them as I can carry, every day, then I deserve get sent right back to it.

Simon Stiles:
There is nothing like the wit and originality of the differences between white people and black, and, apparently, the biggest difference is that we don't pay our bills, respect the law, women, or each other.

Danny Tripp:
You need to trust me on this.

Matt Albie:
You are?

Danny Tripp:
Twice divorced

Matt Albie:
And you have?

Danny Tripp:
No one special in my life

Matt Albie:
And you haven't for?

Danny Tripp:
Quite some time

Cal Shanley:
Suzanne, tell your guys to put tarps over everything. The last time we had a wrap party in the studio we had to shut down for two weeks while we replaced the studio.

Jordan McDeere:
Cal!

Cal Shanley:
Jordan.

Jordan McDeere:
Great show!

Cal Shanley:
Thanks

Jordan McDeere:
You're great!

Cal Shanley:
Thank you again.

Jordan McDeere:
I've had a couple of glasses of wine.

Cal Shanley:
No one would ever know

Jordan McDeere:
I just bought my first show.

Cal Shanley:
We heard, congratulations!

Jordan McDeere:
It's a one hour drama about the United Nations.

Cal Shanley:
It can't miss.

Jordan McDeere:
I'm celebrating!

Cal Shanley:
Well, enjoy the party.

Jordan McDeere:
I'm also hiding from Jack Rudolph. I didn't bid on a reality show he wanted, and then to add injury to...

Cal Shanley:
Insult to injury.

Jordan McDeere:
Insult to injury, Wilson White backed me and took Jack's legs out from under him, so I'm hiding here tonight. This is like for me Superman's Dome of Pleasure.

Cal Shanley:
Fortress of Solitude.

Jordan McDeere:
Yes!

Cal Shanley:
Well, enjoy yourself.

Jordan McDeere:
I believe I will!

Jack Rudolph:
[bursts through the doors] Guess who's in the hizzaayy!

Cal Shanley:
SUZANNE! Tarps over everything!

Danny Trip:
They won't let me pick up the baby.

Harriet Hayes:
I know.

Danny Trip:
They won't let me see Jordan because while in a *hospital* she got an infection.

Harriet Hayes:
Yes.

Danny Trip:
They won't let me pick up the baby out of fear that I may steal her and sell her into slavery.

Harriet Hayes:
Yeah.

Danny Trip:
In the meantime Tom's brother, who joined the Air Force on September 12, is being held by the Taliban and Simon has gone on TV and apparently expressed his allegiance to Al-Qaeda. This can't possibly be my life.

Danny Trip:
She got 9 out of 10 on the APGAR.

Jordan McDeere:
[smiling excitedly] Nine out of 10! What'd she miss?

Danny Trip:
She didn't grimace. But we're gonna work on that.

Doctor:
Yeah, this kid isn't going to be under a lot of pressure at all.

Matt Albie:
Thank you... GOD

Harriet Hayes:
I HEARD THAT!... It's me jello-head.

Matt Albie:
They rescued the guys.

Harriet Hayes:
I just heard... Jordan's ok!

Matt Albie:
I know...

Harriet Hayes:
Have you been getting high since our fight at the Catholic's dinner?

Matt Albie:
Yeah...

Harriet Hayes:
AND YOU KEPT THAT FROM ME! [slaps Matt hard]

Matt Albie:
When you're high you keep if from everyone... OWWWW!

Harriet Hayes:
Not from me!... I'm the one you never keep things from. Never from me... I'm the one, Matthew.

Matt Albie:
Ok Harriet... I love you.

[last lines]

Matt Albie:
I'm gonna make a friend outta you yet.

Jack Rudolph:
Have you ever been married?

Simon Stiles:
What?

Jack Rudolph:
When you're married, you say "I'm sorry" a lot. You say "I'm sorry" when you don't mean it, you say "I'm sorry" when you just want to move the hell on, you say "I'm sorry" when you don't know what you could have possibly done wrong.

Simon Stiles:
Aren't you getting divorced?

Jack Rudolph:
Yeah, that's right.

Simon Stiles:
Why?

Jack Rudolph:
Cause I was tired of saying, "I'm sorry."

Simon Stiles:
I appreciate your honesty.

Jack Rudolph:
Well, that's more than I can say for my wife.

Matt Albie:
Mazel tov.

Danny Tripp:
Gesundheit.

Danny Tripp:
Hey, Matthew, don't take this the wrong way, but... I love you.

Matt Albie:
Okay.

Danny Tripp:
Did you take it the wrong way?

Matt Albie:
I took it to mean that you're gay and you want me.

Danny Tripp:
Good.

Danny Tripp:
I just stood in Jack's office and said, "Screw friendship, screw honor, screw patriotism." That's how I talked about myself. And then I added, "We just lost the franchise." That's how I talked about Matt, who would stand in front of a train for any of us, including you while you're screwing Luke. He's been threatened by the Network, compromised by me, brow-beaten by you, heart-broken by Wes, and he's still standing up. Why am I quitting? Cause they're gonna start shooting at him and I'm gonna be standing next to him when they do. You're a talented girl, have a good show this week.

Matt Albie:
Does she have a name?

Danny Trip:
Baby Girl McDeere.

Matt Albie:
You're hoping she'll become a stripper.

Harriet Hayes:
[to Matt] I'm the one person, always.