Take

[first lines]

Train Announcer:
[over P.A. system] The next stop is Weybridge. Change here for Addlestone, Chertsey, Virginia Water, Egham and Staines. Please mind the gap between the train and the platform edge.

Jim:
I can't believe I never knew you lived around here.

Mary:
Well, I don't think it ever really came up, did it?

Jim:
Yeah, we never really mentioned it.

Mary:
To be honest, I don't think we've ever had a conversation that's lasted more than, what, two, three minutes tops. At parties it's always "Hey, how are you doing?" "Have you done the revision or the tutorial work"?

Jim:
Well, those are tried and tested conversation starters. They may not be riveting, but they do at least get the ball rolling.

Mary:
True, true.

Jim:
The weather - that's another classic.

Mary:
Oh yeah, where would us Brits be if we couldn't talk about the weather? Our chit-chatting abilities would be out the window.

Jim:
Exactly. We'd be lost, like... people without maps. Or sat-nav's.

Mary:
So, do you know anyone who didn't graduate?

Jim:
The only one I know who didn't graduate was Jeff.

Mary:
Jeff, was he a mate of yours?

Jim:
...Yeah, yeah, we were friends. We used to hang out in the library and the cafeteria and stuff. I was actually... I lived with him in halls in the first year; he was in the room next to mine. He used to drag me out partying with him and clubbing all the time. It's partly why I moved out. I can't stand clubbing.

Mary:
So, he didn't do the year?

Jim:
No, he... I don't think he failed everything, I just don't think he passed enough overall to pass... overall! I think he got a 'compensated fail' - whatever that means.

Mary:
That's a bit of a shame.

Jim:
...Yeah. I mean, He didn't exactly work very hard, but it's still a shame.

Mary:
Was he really upset about it?

Jim:
I haven't actually really spoken to him since the exams.

Mary:
Do you know if he's going to redo the year?

Jim:
I don't know. I mean... I assume so.

Mary:
You know what's it like. Every lecture the teacher would be asking loads of questions and there'd be that long silence, it'd just drive me absolutely mental. So, of course, I would answer all the questions just to keep the ball rolling. You know what it's like, it feeds on itself. You know, because I answer all the questions, after a while the teachers would always come to me for the answers.

Jim:
They'd only ask you. Yeah, I noticed that.

Mary:
Yeah. And after a while it felt like I was having private tutorial lessons and everyone else was just there to watch.

Jim:
Well, I enjoyed watching, if that's any consolation.

Mary:
Yeah, but you know those idiots in the back, they didn't have to do any of the work. And everyone looks at me with the evil eye as if I'm Martin f***ing Prince.

Jim:
"Pick me, teacher. I'm ever so smart."

Mary:
Exactly! But I'm not! I don't think I'm smarter than they are. I just do the homework. If they just did the homework they could answer the questions and I could have had a break.

Jim:
Well, on behalf of everyone who didn't always do the work, we're sorry.

Jim:
[they arrive at Jim's estate] This is me.

Mary:
Oh, right.

Jim:
Do you want to come in for a drink? I mean, it's still early. I can't in all good conscience let you walk home this early.

Mary:
Irresponsible.

Jim:
It would be. Come on. I've got Jaffa cakes.

Mary:
Now how can I say no to Jaffa cakes. Oh, go on then.

Jim:
Attagirl.

Mary:
[pause] You better have Jaffa cakes. Seriously.

Jim:
I do, I do.

Mary:
[they enter the estate] Mm, nice place.

Jim:
Thank you. I'm glad you approve. You notice the big tree? It's been here since it was... planted. Except for the bite that's been taken out of it.

Mary:
Not a literal bite, I hope.

Jim:
Well, I was locked out and I was hungry. What can I say? [they enter Jim's house] Here we are.

Mary:
Mm, nice house.

Jim:
There is more to it than this. You do realize this is just the hallway?

Mary:
[notices a young picture of Jim] Oh my God! Is this you?

Jim:
[sighs]... Yes.

Mary:
Look at you in your glasses - you look like the Milkybar kid!

Jim:
Thank you, I was called that quite a lot when I was a child. That and Macaulay Culkin. I'd repressed it until now, but now it's afresh so thank you for opening up old wounds.

Jim:
[having just run Jeff over] Yeah? You rob me, that's what happens! [pause] Jeff?

Jeff:
[limping] You alright, mate?

Jim:
Wha-?... Are you the guy I just caught robbing my house?

Jeff:
...I guess.

Jim:
Jesus. W-Well, are you okay? Can you stand? I mean...

Jeff:
Just about.

Jim:
Well, how do you feel?

Jeff:
Like I've been run over!

Jim:
How'd you get here anyway?

Jeff:
I took a taxi. It cost me twenty-eight quid, do you believe that?

Jim:
Right, and how much did you steal from me?

Jeff:
...Thirty.

Jim:
Brilliant. You know, you are the worst person I know with money. You're so reckless with it. You're out every night drinking and clubbing.

Jeff:
Dude, I'm a student.

Jim:
Exactly, which means you should have learnt a thing or two by now. Like that old phrase "all drinkie and all play make bank account go empty".

Jeff:
That's not a phrase - that's a bad 'Shining' joke. You just came up with it.

Jim:
Yeah, but that doesn't make it any less true or any less relevant to you, young man. You've got to be careful with money, Jeff.

Jeff:
What was I supposed to do? I ran out of money, I couldn't f***ing tell my parents I'd failed my third year.

Jim:
Yeah, but you've got to be responsible with money, like me.

Jeff:
What the hell do you know? You live at home - you get your food and laundry for free!

Jim:
I like my home - it's a nice home! You must have noticed that while you were looting it! It cheaper than... I pay my parents a monthly rent. It's cheaper than living in halls, but I don't see why I should pay more for a small, depressing room that smells like weed, where the walls are paper thin and you can hear the music students having orgies every night. It's one part of the university experience I can do without, thank you very much.

Jim:
[on the phone] Mary! Listen, on second thoughts, don't call the police. I... you did?... Ten minutes? That's a bit f***ing prompt, isn't it?... Oh, sh*t... Look, it turns out... It turns out the guy who was in my house, it was Jeff... From uni, right... Yeah, he... Well, he just did a silly thing, you know. He was a bit desperate - he had a 'student moment'. And he went and did a funny thing, and... look, its alright now. I'm gonna take him home, and... what's that? They're outside? Oh, shpadoinkle, um... I tell you what - go outside and put me on with the main guy. [to Jeff] I'm gonna f***ing kill you. There's a bench over there - go sit down. [on the phone] Officer! Hello, yes... yes, it is my house, I promise... Well, um, see, the thing is I thought someone was robbing my house, but it turns out it was friend of mine... Yeah, he's been staying with us and he... and he forget something so he came back to get it. And he didn't want to disturb us, so he kind of let himself in. It's pretty funny when you think about it... Yes. Yes, I do know how early it is... Well, I went after him... Why? Well, I thought, because... because I thought he might have had a car with him, and I could, you know, get the license plate... Yes, I know it was foolish... And irresponsible, yes, I agree. And I'm very, very sorry... and I would be very, very, very grateful if you could just let me off with a warning, and I promise it will never happen again... Thank you! Thank you so much. Oh, before you go, could you put me back on with Mary, my girl - the friend - I mean, the, yes... Thank you, sorry, bye, sorry... Mary, I am so, so sorry you had to go through that. Listen, I'm gonna take Jeff home now. It should be about 45 minutes, I reckon. And, er, I'd love it if you were there when I got back, but if you want to let yourself out, I understand... Yeah... Yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

Jeff:
What were you doing with Mary this morning anyway?

Jim:
I bumped into her on the train. Turns out she lives around here. So I invited her in for a coffee. What's wrong with that? Casual.

Jeff:
You wanted to break off a piece, didn't you?

Jim:
Well, I like her. You know that. I was just trying to... advance things.

Jeff:
"Advance things"!

Jim:
I mean, I know I don't know her that well. But, we've got things in common.

Jeff:
Like what?

Jim:
Like... we both studied law.

Jeff:
I studied law, you studied law, she studied law - that's what we were doing there. We were all studying law, the same people all the time. That does not count as something you've got in common with her.

Jim:
Well, we both... live around here. We both live around here. And we're both Aries'. I remember she had a party not long after mine.

Jeff:
I went to that one, didn't I?

Jim:
I don't know.

Jeff:
Yeah, I did - the one after your birthday. Yeah, you spent the whole night in that corner trying to get up the nerve to talk to her, and when you could talk to her all you could muster was "Hi. How's revision going?"

Jim:
True. But that's still something. I mean, people with the same star sign are usually compatible.

Jeff:
My leg's killing me.

Jim:
Well, don't you think...

Jeff:
Wait, did you just say star signs?

Jim:
Yeah.

Jeff:
Don't tell me you believe that bollocks, Jim.

Jim:
It's been around for thousands of years. There must be something to it.

Jeff:
Thousands of years ago we had public witchhunts and stonings. I'd like to think mankind has evolved a little since then. Okay look, relationships do not rise and fall over star signs. Just because of the fact that you're both Aries doesn't make you magically compatible. Relationships do not rise and fall because your heart is linked to Venus and your head is up Uranus!

Jim:
Oh, ha ha. Who didn't see that one coming a kilometer away?

Jeff:
[discussing Heath Ledger's performance in The Dark Knight] A posthumous Oscar nom, don't you think?

Jim:
Yeah, I'm not sure.

Jeff:
What?

Jim:
No, it was good enough, but... I mean, I know he was nominated for Brokeback but that was a more subtle performance, you know?

Jeff:
You don't think he was subtle as the Joker?

Jim:
Well, he was more subtle than Jack Nicholson's.

Jeff:
Oh, well yeah! Poncing around in bloody art galleries to Prince. Ouch.

Jim:
I don't like that film anyway. The Prince songs are just the nail in the coffin. No, but what I mean is, it's a comic book movie.

Jeff:
You say that like it's a bad thing!

Jim:
No, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying that... you know...

Jeff:
I'll have you know some of my favorite films are comic book movies. Some of the greatest films are comic book movies!

Jim:
Like? I'm not arguing, I'm just wondering what...

Jeff:
V For Vendetta, X-Men 2, Spider-man 2...

Jim:
True. Yeah, but, you know, comic book movies are just one of those genres that the Academy doesn't recognize. You know, like action, or comedy, or fantasy, or... porn. Even when you've got brilliant directors like Jackson or Nolan at the helm.

Jeff:
You know, those themes are quite... I mean, they're quite all those genres, they're quite, thematically, they're quite... you know, similar.

Jim:
Fantasy, comedy and porn?

Jeff:
Yeah. Even if you have Jackson or Nolan at the helm.

Jim:
Even if you've got them. Er, have you noticed... wait, have they ever directed porn?

Jeff:
I don't think so. Did Peter Jackson do porn?

Jim:
No. I'd pay to see Peter Jackson porn, though. Not porn with him in it, you understand. I meant porn directed...

Jeff:
Yeah, yeah, Jim, I get it.

Jim:
Okay. [pause] Imagine the production values.

Jeff:
Phew! Could be distracting, though.

Jim:
Could be distracting, true.

Jim:
Hey, you know how you said Spiderman 2 and X-men 2 are two of your favorite films?

Jeff:
Yeah?

Jim:
Have you ever noticed how these franchises that start off so promisingly always fall flat on their face when it comes to the third installment?

Jeff:
Yeah, I can think of one - Spider-man 3!

Jim:
Oh, that was the worst offender!

Jeff:
F***ing crap!

Jim:
I mean, X-men 3 "Juggernaut, b*tch!" - low point of the world - but Spider-man 3 was the worst overall. I mean, when he started dancing down that street...

Jeff:
And the part where he goes in front of that bloody American flag for no reason!

Jim:
Oh, that pissed me off!

Jeff:
I've never heard so many people in the cinema shout out "Oh, for f***'s sake!"

Jim:
Yeah, same with me! And I'm like, that butler at the end?

Jeff:
Yeah, what was that about?

Jim:
Where did you come from? It's like...

Jeff:
You've been away for the whole film, and then he just appears!

Jim:
Where have you been? It's like [puts on an old man voice] "Well, I just figured since I've been watching you trying to kill your best friend for two years now, now that you've stopped and you're prepared to become a recluse, now I can tell you, given my immense knowledge of glider blades that it's all been in vain". Well, thank you so very freaking much!

Jeff:
[laughs] You film geek! Shame on you Sam Raimi, though.

Jim:
Shame on you, Sam Raimi!

Jeff:
Yeah, cinema as an art form died that day.

Jim:
[long pause] How did we get onto that?

Jim:
F***, man. I still can't believe you did that.

Jeff:
[Hums the Batman TV theme tune] Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-F***MAN! F***man!

Jim:
What?

Jeff:
F***man! That'd be a great name for a superhero! Oh, come on! All these superheroes are so family friendly it'd be nice to have one with a bit of edge to it.

Jim:
He sounds like a rapist. That's past edgy. What would his power be? Super-speed screwing? 'Cause that's not a power, technically. that's just... a failing.

Jeff:
No, he'd just fight crime and rescue damsels in distress, and later on they'd be so grateful they'd let him give them what for!

Jim:
I think you'll find that character already exists.

Jeff:
Yeah?

Jim:
Yeah, he's called James Bond. And he stretches the PC tolerance of feminists far enough as it is. You'd be hard-pressed to find a 'Quantum of Good Taste' in a graphic novel like that.

Jeff:
Speaking of which, who's your favorite Bond girl? I've never asked you that.

Jim:
My favorite Bond girl as in Bond girl character or favorite actress who played a Bond girl?

Jeff:
To be honest, Jim, I didn't really think about it, mate. So... okay? It's just a question.

Jim:
No, I just felt the need to answer specifically. Well, if we're talking favorite characters then it's probably Eva Green's from the last one. but favorite actress who played a Bond girl [notices Jeff swooning at the mention of her name]... I know... er, Sophie Marceau or Halle Berry.

Jeff:
That Pierce Brosnan is one lucky bastard.

Jim:
I tell you who's an even luckier bastard, though - Zach Braff.

Jeff:
The guy out of 'Scrubs'?

Jim:
Yeah. I mean, he's kissed Sarah Chalke, Amy Smart, Mandy Moore, Gift shop girl...

Jeff:
Tara Reid.

Jim:
[shrugs]... yeah, Elizabeth Banks, and in movies he's been with Rachel Bilson and Natalie Portman for Christ's sake!

Jeff:
Ah! Natalie Portman!

Jim:
Natalie Portman - the 'Portman'!

Jeff:
Yeah, that girl has a face to stop the world. Okay, you know, if they ever wanted to do another 9/11, all terrorists would have to do is just put her picture in the cockpit. The pilots would look at it, and the plane would go down like a f***ing Malaysian pearl diver!

Jim:
[pauses, shocked]... Yes, she's very attractive. Like Audrey Hepburn.

Jeff:
Audrey - the original.

Jeff:
Did you ever see 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'? You know, the one with the famous dress?

Jim:
No, I don't think so.

Jeff:
This girl in my Film Studies class... okay, I saw it about a year ago. I met this girl called Amy in my Film Studies class, and... I didn't watch it through choice, but she was... you know. Anyway, we're sitting there watching it... and I'm thinking "this film is f***ing crap!" Just... coffee table crap! And... all the characters do throughout the whole film, especially Audrey Hepburn, is just talk about nothing. Nothing. Just random crap. [Jim looks at the camera but says nothing] Then, we're getting towards the end of the film, and me and this girl are cuddling up. We're getting towards the end, and it's the scene in the rain with the cat where she's kissing the guy...

Jim:
In the rain?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Jim:
At the end of the film?

Jeff:
Yep.

Jim:
And it dawns on me what that film is about.

Jim:
[uninterested] What?

Jeff:
Do you know what the moral of that film actually is?

Jim:
...What?

Jeff:
It takes a helluva long time to get a p*ssy wet! [Jeff bursts out laugh - Jim does not]

Jim:
My ear hurts. That's how bad that joke was. My ear hurts. You've hurt my inner ear.

Jeff:
I thought that was pretty good!

Jim:
You did now, did you?

Jeff:
Yeah! Oh, come on - you love those jokes that are so bad they're crap! So good they're crap, sorry.

Jim:
Well, I do. But they have to make it into that second group. They have to qualify for the second part of that thing. That fell just short, and it was just bad. But don't feel bad, it's a very hard joke to pull off. So it was worth seeing it though, was it?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Jim:
So you could crack that gem one day?

Jeff:
You could say that.

Jim:
What do you mean?

Jeff:
She was grateful that I watched it with her.

Jim:
Grateful in the [nudges him twice]... sense?

Jeff:
Too right.

Jim:
Lovely.

Jim:
You've got to make sacrifices like that with birds.

Jim:
It shows you care.

Jeff:
Yeah.

Jim:
Wow. I should take more advice from you. You're like a white 'Hitch'.

Jeff:
I get more action than you do, b*tch!

Jim:
Don't call me a b*tch, Hitch. It's unladylike.

Jeff:
You know, maybe if you came out with me a bit more often you'd get more action. Okay?

Jim:
What, like Freda? Do you remember 'the Freda incident'?

Jeff:
Yeah, I do remember 'the Freda incident', but the fact of the matter is she was, you know, kinda hot, and... oh, for Christ's sake! You know, your uni spell would have been one long dry spell instead of two if you'd just, like, hung out with me a bit more, okay? You got some action with Freda and that was because of me, because I dragged you down to that bar at the bottom of uni and you started talking to her you ungrateful tit!

Jim:
Yeah, and I never asked you to do that, by the way. Did I ever ask you to do that? No. I never asked for your help in that regard.

Jeff:
Oh, I'm sorry. You're upset because I'm your pimp?

Jim:
I don't need a pimp, Jeff. I don't want a pimp. Look Freda was alright. It was an alright experience, but, you know... her wonky eye kinda freaked me out. I mean, I know that sounds horrible, but it did.

Jeff:
Dude, you still f***ed her. There's nothing wrong with that.

Jim:
Yeah, I know, but she liked to look at me a lot during. And it was pretty awkward when...

Jeff:
She liked to look at you a lot during?

Jim:
Yeah, and it was pretty awkward when she was... you know, down there. I didn't know if she was, you know, concentrating or looking at the clock on the bedside table, like "how much longer do I have to do this?" [Jeff bursts out laughing] It's not funny, Jeffery!

Jeff:
Don't call me Jeffery.

Jim:
Okay.

Jim:
...Hey.

Jeff:
"Hey".

Jim:
[pause] What do you call a deaf gorilla?

Jeff:
I don't know, what do you call it?

Jim:
Anything you want; he can't hear you. [Jeff cracks a small smile] What do you call a gorilla that isn't deaf?

Jeff:
What do you call it?

Jim:
Anything you want; gorillas don't speak English. [Jeff cracks a bigger smile] See, that's how you tell a joke. Delivery.

Jeff:
[long pause] Look, Jim...

Jim:
No, Jeff - don't say it. I was a dick. This was mostly my fault.

Jeff:
No, that's what I was going to say - you're a dick and it's mostly your fault. [after a second, Jim realizes he's kidding and laughs] I'm joking, man.

Jeff:
[in the stolen car] Just go.

Jim:
It's an automatic.

Jeff:
Jim, go!

Jim:
I'm not used to automatic! [Jim starts driving. Jeff laughs] Did we just f***ing car-jack someone?

Jeff:
Yep. Yes, we did.

Jim:
We? i didn't know what the f*** was going on! One minute I'm on a bridge talking about gorillas and libraries, and the next minute I've aided and abetted a criminal!

Jeff:
F*** you! You were there as much as I was!

Jim:
What the f***, Jeff? What are we doing? I mean, the police! What if... she's calling the police, she's probably calling the police right now!

Jeff:
If that old bag's the thing you're worried about, just wait until... you know, we'll leave the car, make an anonymous call and she'll get it back in no time - she'll get it back by today! Oh Christ, it's not the first time you've broken the law. It's not the first time this morning!

Jim:
Jesus, he's thought this through! [Point to Jeff's lap] And what's that?

Jeff:
It's my piece.

Jim:
Your what?

Jeff:
My gun.

Jim:
You carry a gun?

Jeff:
Oh, it's not real! It's a f***ing replica, it's a toy gun!

Jim:
What are you, a rapper? You carry a gun?

Jeff:
It's a replica. It's for psychological reasons. Look, if you're having this pointed in your face, you're not going to stop and think "Oh, is it real?" It worked back there, didn't it?

Jim:
Yeah, but... Jesus. [the seat belt alarm beeps] What's that?

Jeff:
Just go.

Jim:
I've got my seat belt off. [Jim puts his seat belt on] It's important to be safe, even when you're aiding and abetting and committing grand theft auto. But seriously, who brings a toy gun to a robbery?

Jeff:
The robbers in 'Inside Man'.

Jim:
I've never seen that.

Jeff:
'Inside Man'. It's a Spike Lee movie with Denzel Washington.

Jim:
This is ridiculous. [Jim pulls the car over] Look, I'm not going after him. I don't care about 'Inside Man'. I mean, I don't... I'm not going after this guy. This is ridiculous. [Jeff accidentally fires the cap-gun] OH F***! Would you give me some warning before you do that, you f***ing... pederast.

Jim:
We've got to be careful about this. What do we do?

Jeff:
Right. Come on, let's go.

Jim:
Now we've got to be... how shall we act?

Jeff:
Violent!

Jim:
As if, you know, we...

Jeff:
A couple of f***ing pussies ain't gonna do anything! Come on!

Jim:
Well, that's true.

Jeff:
Look, if he thinks we're being violent, he thinks we're being serious. Look, he's f***ing getting out - he's getting out of the car!

Jim:
He can't report us anyway - he stole our car.

Jeff:
Yeah, too right. Let's go.

Jim:
Right. So we're just being bad for... fun?

Jeff:
For shits and giggles.

Jim:
Cool. Yeah. Let's be bad guys.

Jeff:
Look at that f***er - he's sorry, isn't he?

Jim:
Let's be bad guys. Sweet!

[last lines]

Jim:
WHOOO! We did it!

Jeff:
Drive, drive!

Jim:
I don't believe it! We got the car back!

Jeff:
Yeah, well, you're welcome!

Jim:
Wait, what about the car we left back there?

Jeff:
...Oh sh*t, yeah.

Jim:
He's probably taking it now!

Jeff:
So? That's a good thing! That means if the police find the car they'll catch him instead - he stole it last!

Jim:
...Yeah, you're right. Well, I guess I'd better take you home then.

Jeff:
That's okay. I'm in no hurry. Hey, here's an idea - why don't we go back to yours and have a little celebration brunch?

Jim:
A "celebration brunch"? What is that, the latest thing?

Jeff:
Come on. We got your car back, dude. We should celebrate somehow. We can have pancakes, and if Mary's there I can apologize to her.

Jim:
You're just hungry, aren't you?

Jeff:
Dude, I'm starving. And I'm sick of spaghetti!

Jim:
Well, I'm kinda hungry myself. Plus your limp seems to have gone so I don't think I need to take you to the hospital any more.

Jeff:
What?

Jim:
Yeah, ever since we got out of the taxi, your limp's been pretty much... gone.

Jeff:
Well, it comes and goes.

Jim:
"It comes and goes"? So it's a part-time limp, is it?

Jeff:
Hey, I read somewhere they can sometimes be more serious than the permanent ones.

Jim:
Oh really, and where'd you read that? In one of the medical journals you flip through in your spare time?